January 31, 2011—A change gonna come.

By Jack Jackson

Grave robbers took the coffin and body of popular Italian TV host Mike Bongiorno from its tomb.  Grave robbers, Go Take a Nap!  Do you seriously want the ghost of a popular Italian TV host running around the planet causing trouble?  [Sounds like a good idea for a sitcom to us.--Eds.]

And Sex & the City 2 and Twilight Saga: Eclipse lead the Razzie nominations.  Oh, Really?  I thought those movies were totally sweet.  [We watched them in 1.5x speed.--Eds.]

January 24, 2011—Only eight more weeks of winter.

By Jack Jackson

Robert Downey, Jr. said Ricky Gervais was mean-spirited at the Golden Globes, and Ricky Gervais said he was just doing his job.  Robert and Ricky, Go Take a Nap!  Just entertain us, you morons!  And Golden Globes, you better ask Ricky back because he actually made the whole affair worth watching.  [We think Jack Jackson is mean-spirited.--Eds.] {I'm just doing my job.--Jack Jackson}

George Clooney got malaria in Sudan and know he's better.  George, that's Just Nice.  But I know you like drinking, so why didn't you take a bunch of gin-and-tonics with you and then you would've never gotten malaria and you could've been drunk while being so worldly.  [Too bad vodka-and-sodas don't keep malaria at bay.--Eds.]

This year's New Orleans Jazz Festival will feature such renowned jazz acts like: Kid Rock, Bon Jovi, Willie Nelson, Arcade Fire, and Cyndi Lauper.  New Orleans Jazz Festival, Go Take a Nap!  You couldn't get Hal Linden or Imogene Coca on the list, too?  [We pine for Bing Crosby and Ethel Merman.--Eds.]

And Elton John is tired of feeling like a second-class citizen in America because of the gay rights issues.  Elton, Go Take a Nap!  You're not a second-class citizen in America!  You're just plain-old not a citizen at all!  [Was that a citizenship joke?--Eds.]

January 17, 2011—People lead cluttered lives.

By Jack Jackson

Zsa Zsa Gabor was smiling and eating ice cream after most of her right leg was amputated because of a gangrene infection.  Zsa Zsa, that's Quite Nice.  Have an extra scoop for me.  You deserve it.  [She should have most of a scoop.--Eds.]

Ron Reagan says he saw the first signs of his father's Alzheimer's disease during the third year of Ronald Reagan's presidency.  Oh, Really?  [We don't like political blogs.--Eds.]

Two new fragrances, one for men and one for women, are coming out which were inspired by Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch floral aromas.  Alright, you just go ahead and make up your own joke right now, because I'm not even going to type one.  [Maybe they could name one "Jesus Juice"?--Eds.] {Not bad.  What about "Elephant Man Tusk Musk"?--Jack Jackson}

Oprah Winfrey admitted that the flopping of her movie Beloved caused her to eat a bunch of macaroni and cheese.  Oprah, Go Take a Nap!  The only thing that can help a flopped movie is a super-awesome sequel!  [Beloveder?--Eds.]

And it looks like we'll finally get to see The Beaver, because it's going to debut at the SXSW Film Festival.  Honey, fire up the RV!  We're going to Austin!  [Please, take us with you.--Eds.]

January 10, 2011—How about some winter cleaning?

By Jack Jackson

The terminally-ill German anatomist popularly known as Dr. Death has whipped up plans to exhibit his corpse after plastination. Dr. Death, Go Take a Nap!  You can't display your own corpse!  If it's your own corpse, you're dead, and you can't do anything but just sit there.  [Maybe his an exhibitionist?--Eds.]

Alec Baldwin is keenly interested in running for political office, just not anytime soon.  Alec, Go Take a Nap!  If you're keenly interested, that means it's something you want to do sometime soon.  Otherwise, it's just a passing interest.  [We are keenly interested in looking for other work.--Eds.]

Gary Collins got drunk at a restaurant in Biloxi, and left without paying before he ate his steak.  He then was arrested for defrauding the joint at home.  Gary, Go Take a Nap!  If you're going to go out and get drunk, eat the steak!  It will help with the hangover.  [We think cheap tacos is a better choice.--Eds.]

And a coroner's investigator said she found nine bottles of powerful anesthetic in a bag labeled "Baby Essentials" in one of his Michael Jackson's closets.  Coroner's investigator, Go Take a Nap!  What are you doing rummaging around other people's closets?  And what's so wrong with having a steady supply of powerful anesthetic around for the winter months?  [Nothing, nothing at all.--Eds.]

January 3, 2011—These holiday nachos aren't going to eat themselves.

By Jack Jackson

Paula Abdul said it's frustrating to be perceived as stupid and that she is intelligent.  Paula, Go Take a Nap!  You can't just say you're intelligent.  You have to prove it on the tevee.  For example, go on a CSI show and help them solve a murder, or go on Celebrity Jeopardy! and beat Hal Linden.  [What about Imogene Coca?--Eds.]

The Empire Strikes Back was added to the National Film Registry.  National Film Registry, Go Take a Nap!  You can't only preserve Episode V for the future generations of space aliens to find after we melt the Statue of Liberty!  You've got to put preserve all six episodes or else no one will understand why Luke kisses Leia or why all those Jar-Jar Binks jokes are so funny.  [Weesa mebbe thinka yousa leaves out the first three.--Eds.] {But save that clip of Anakin slaying the younglings.--Jack Jackson}

And the Discovery Channel has decided not to air a tevee show depicting a reenactment of Michael Jackson's autopsy.  Discovery Channel, Go Take a Nap!  I had the DVR all set for that and at least put it on the Netflix streaming or something.  That sounded like a really good show and I'm sure it'll be better in HD.  [Maybe it can be added to the National Film Registry?--Eds.]