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December 27, 2010—Take a vacation from the holidays. One of the leaked U.S. cables asserts that Anna Nicole Smith was at least partially to blame for the fall of the Bahaman government. Anna Nicole Smith, Go Take a (Dirt) Nap! You can't just show up and be all celebrity and ruin governments! That's what out-of-control spending and debt and foreign invasions are for! [We prefer glorious revolutions.--Eds.] Stephen Baldwin sued Kevin Costner because Costner allegedly had a private deal to cell centrifuges to BP for cleaning oil spills, but Stephen sold his shares in the centrifuge company just before he knew the deal went through, thus getting a much lower price for his shares than he could've gotten by waiting until after the deal with BP was announced. Stephen and Kevin and BP, Go Take a Nap! Don't screw people out of money, and man is this whole situation really confusing! I feel like I'm spinning around and around and around. [Ooooh. Centrifuge joke. Good one.--Eds.] And 84-year-old Hugh Hefner got engaged to 24-year-old hot chick. Hugh, that's Really Quite Nice. It's good to see love can still spring eternal. [And so, too, can his penis?--Eds.] {Ooooh. Erectile-dysfunction-in-old-age joke. Good one.--Jack Jackson} |
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December 20, 2010—If your world is falling apart, make some building plans. The top places to run into celebrities are Los Angeles International Airport and the Grove, an outdoor mall in L.A. Oh, Really? Celebrities like to fly around and shop? [We think the Innerwebs is a good place to see celebrities, and you get to pick which celebrities you want to see.--Eds.] Roger Ebert's new show will debut in January, and it will feature contributing critics. Ebert, Go Take a Nap! We don't care what other critics have to say on your show! We want to hear what you have to say. [Er.--Eds.] {Hey, he's got that wicked cool speech software now.--Jack Jackson} And The Beaver will finally appear on the silver screen in March. For those of you who don't know, it's that movie where Mel Gibson uses a beaver hand puppet to overcome some serious, heavy stuff. The Beaver, Go Take a Nap! I can't wait three more months to see this amazing concept of a movie! [Maybe you can Netflix it instantly.--Eds.] |
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December 13, 2010—Get a bigger sandwich, not two. Not much happened too exciting this week, but Oprah did cry about not being a lesbian and added two books by Charles Dickens to her book club list. Oprah, Go Take a Nap! Don't cry because you're not a lesbian! It's not a happy or sad thing. Enjoy your hetero self and keep looking up! [We cried when she cried.--Eds.] |
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December 6, 2010—Expect the most if you deliver the most. Gerard Depardieu says he lost 44 pounds after ingesting only water for 10 days. Gerard, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? The French need wine, not water. [He would've lost more weight if he'd given up water, too.--Eds.] Johnny Depp copped that some Disney executives hated his Captain Jack Sparrow character, and one asked if the character was gay, to which Depp responded that all of his characters are gay. Johnny, that's Quite Nice. I was pretty sure Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka, and Sweeney Todd were gay, but it's nice to know that the Mad Hatter and John Dillinger were gay, too. [Pirates seem gay in general.--Eds.] Prince William's wedding to Kate Middleton might be broadcast in 3D. Prince William, Go Take a Nap! High-def tevee is just fine for the royals. [We want to see the crown jewels in 3D.--Eds.] And Lady Gaga and Justin Timberlake have decided to not Tweet or use Facebook until they raise $1Million for needy children. Lady and Justin, Go Take a Nap! We need your constant updates and you can surely raise cash while Tweeting about it. [We're abstaining from all social media until pat-downs are required.--Eds.] |
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November 29, 2010—This stuff here doesn't make sense ever. [Note: Jack Jackson is away this week on extended holiday. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.--Eds.] Happy Turkey Day everybody! I wanted to play Call of Duty all day but dad said I had to get on the computer and type a bunch of stuff. This website is so old it looks terrible and why isn't Jack tweeting or on Facebook? No one even reads this dumb stuff so I guess I could type just about anything I wanted. Our food was pretty good. The turkey wasn't dry and the gravy wasn't runny like it was last year. Mom put about a pound of butter in the mashed potatoes, so I guess that's what made them taste good. I still don't get why stuffing is called stuffing when no one stuffs it into the turkey anymore. And stuffing your stove top doesn't make any sense, either. That cranberry sauce stuff is super gross. Way super gross. Dad's over my shoulder while I type to make sure I don't get all sexual predatored. He says I need to stop talking about personal stuff and get to celebrity gossip. I don't know any gossip. Wait, I remember one item: my uncle said at the dinner table that he believes Justin Bieber is being used by the recording industry executives as a sex doll, because how else is he so famous all the time? He said that's how it goes in the Industry, which he calls the Business, with kids. I don't think that's true. Justin can sing pretty good for his age and I've tried to get my hair to do whatever it is his does and it never looks right. I always just end up looking like Tom Brady. Dad just said I should delete that last paragraph because it's probably not true, but I thought that's what made it celebrity gossip. |
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November 22, 2010—You're wasting time on the Internet right now. David Beckham said he and his family like Los Angeles so much that they just might stay after his contract with the LA Galaxy ends. David, that's Quite Nice. Hopefully you'll be able to afford a nice house and enjoy the paparazzi and all the good restaurants and maybe you can go to the beach and drive around on the freeways. [We like Los Angeles enough, but after our contract ends, it's time to move on.--Eds.] Dollywood, the Dolly Parton theme park, won this year's Liseberg Applause Award, the amusement park industry's top prize. Dollywood, that's Really Quite Nice. I'm not a big fan of theme parks, mostly because I hate themes and parks, but who can restrain themselves from visiting the best theme park of the year? [They obviously have never been to Jack Jacksonwood.--Eds.] Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson share a purportedly steamy and passionate kiss in the most recent Harry Potter movie. Daniel and Emma, Go Take a Nap! First you make kids believe in satanic magic, and now you fornicate? The whole generation is lost! [No doubt it will lead to owls marrying Muggles.--Eds.] And Daniel Day-Lewis will play Abraham Lincoln in a new film directed by Stephen Spielberg. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! Lincoln didn't yell and get all crazy like you're used to doing to get Oscars. Plus, you can't reuse that Bill the Butcher accent. It would be all wrong. [We're still looking forward to the Gettysburg Address when he yells a bunch at everyone and then gets an Oscar.--Eds.] |
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November 15, 2010—Drive it like you own it. The Today show is getting rid of 84-year-old Gene Shalit, the mustachioed film critic. Today show, Go Take a Nap! We need more crazy-looking people on the tevee who say crazy things. [We hope we can retire from this gig well before we turn 84.--Eds.] Rupert Gint of the Harry Potter movies said he's looking forward to freedom from being cast in those movies, and that maybe he would get a tattoo of Daniel Radcliffe. Rupert, that's Quite Nice. You should definitely get a neck tattoo of Daniel, and then a tattoo of piles of cash on your forehead so you can always remember the days when your made tons of money for doing very little. [We want a tattoo of cheap tacos on our bellies.--Eds.] And Robert Downey, Jr. will be the voice of Mr. Peanut in some new commercials. Robert, that's Just Nice. I always thought you looked a little like Mr. Peanut, but I had no idea you sounded like him, too. [He needs salt.--Eds.] |
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November 8, 2010—Sexting was, of course, inevitable. Justin Bieber said he wouldn't wear any of the nail polish in his nail polish line, and that it was a weird concept. Justin, Go Take a Nap! You put your name on it, you wear it! And it's gotta go on your toes, too. [We wonder whether Elton John is proud of his scented stone collection at home.--Eds.] {Those aren't stones.--Jack Jackson} Will Ferrell and Eddie Murphy are Hollywood's most overpaid actors, according to their box office success versus their salaries. Oh, Really? Because I don't think you can pay Will or Eddie enough to be in more movies. [We hope they'll make a movie together someday, maybe a Pluto Nash Weatherman mash-up.--Eds.] Martin Sheen will play Uncle Ben in the new Spiderman movie. Martin, Go Take a Nap! Don't you know Uncle Ben gets killed, like, way early in the movie? You won't make it into any sequels unless it's like ghosty Uncle Ben or something like that. [It worked for Marlon Brando in Superman.--Eds.] Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher took a brave stand with the U.N. against human trafficking. Demi and Ashton, that's Quite Nice. Maybe Ashton can traffick himself away from movies and tevee for awhile. [Zing.--Eds.] And Smokey Robinson's latest album will be distributed at about 600 Cracker Barrel restaurants. Smokey, that's Just Nice. I've often thought of your music as I fill my pants out until the buttons pop. [Mashed potatoes and tears of a clown are a real flavor pop.--Eds.] |
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November 1, 2010—Dress up as who you want to be, but only once per year. Michael Jackson was the world's top-earning dead celebrity, to the tune of $275Million. Michael, Go Take a Nap! Who cares if you make money? You're dead! And let me tell you, you can't take it with you, so what makes you think you can get it where you are after you're dead and you earn it after you're dead? [And that's 550Million cheap tacos.--Eds.] {Or 1100Million really cheap tacos.--Jack Jackson} And Randy Quaid said he's a victim of a racketeering scheme and is not crazy. Randy, Go Take a Nap! You're crazy! And so's your wife! [It's hard to prove you're not crazy sometimes.--Eds.] |
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October 25, 2010—Don't overdo it all the time. Jerry Hall said that Mick Jagger doesn't have a tiny dodger, as Keith Richards alleged earlier in the week. A tiny dodger is apparently Keith's way of saying Mick had a teeny peepee. Keith, Go Take a Nap! Resorting to small-penis slams is crass, uncouth, unhip, and uncool. [We have average dodgers.--Eds.] Mike Tyson's charity trip to Prague was cancelled for lack of interest, and the organizers claimed the ticket prices were too high. Mike Tyson, Go Take a Nap! If the charity ticket prices are too high, then just lower them until people will buy them, and then you take that money and you give it to a charity! [We think there was lack of interest because it's not an interesting idea.--Eds.] And Randy and Evi Quaid have asked Canada for refuge because they claim they are being persecuted in the U.S. over charges of vandalism stemming from house-squatting. Evi said that people are out to get them, claiming that Heath Ledger and David Carradine were murdered under suspicious circumstances. Evi, Go Take a Nap! Heath died from an overdose of a drug cocktail, and David died while hanging himself and touching his dodger. [Anyone can get got.--Eds.] |
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October 18, 2010—It shouldn't hurt to eat. Justin Bieber's new nail polish line will debut at a Wal-Mart near you in January 2011. Justin, Go Take a Nap! Little boys shouldn't wear nail polish. It's going to turn everyone gay, and then we won't make any more babies, and then the human race, as we know it, will die out a slow death of attrition. [We want to buy some Prized Possession Purple for our big toes.--Eds.] Carrie Fisher admitted to doing cocaine while on the Hoth set of The Empire Strikes Back. Fisher said that she didn't really like cocaine, but would do whatever drug was around to get high. Carrie, Go Take a Nap! You shouldn't be grabbing drugs just to get high! It's setting a bad example for the children! [If you're going to do drugs to get high, you should wait until you get to Endor.--Eds.] Perez Hilton said that he will stop bullying celebrities on his website, which means not outing gay celebrities. Perez, that's Just Nice. But it really is important for us to know which celebrities are gay, because we don't have lives or personalities of our own. [We're extremely interesting people.--Eds.] And Adam Lambert kept his promise by keeping his Malaysian show clean from any sexually suggestive moves because Islamic activists protested his gayness. Islamic activists, Go Take a Nap! The whole point of going to see live music is to see sexually suggestive moves, so we can go home afterward and think about them. [Use it or lose it.--Eds.] |
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October 11, 2010—Knowing is sometimes more than half the battle. Usher wishes he and his mom were getting along well enough three years ago that she didn't boycott his wedding. Usher, Go Take a Nap! If you're not getting along with your mom, she isn't going to come to your wedding! Get over it! [And don't even think about getting into the time machine to do it over.--Eds.] Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are each nearing 1Billion YouTube views. Lady and Justin, that's Just Nice. But you're obviously just pandering to the lowest common denominator in society so I don't care that you've sold out. [We're still waiting for our chance to sell out.--Eds.] Donald Trump said he's thinking about running for president for the first time in his life. Donald, Go Take a Nap! Every kid thinks about running for president at least once, so you had to have thought about running for president at at least one time prior to the most recent alleged first time that you said you thought about running for president. [And we wouldn't vote for him, anyway. We don't like his hair.--Eds.] And the Pope's November visit to Spain will cost an estimated 600,000 Euros. Pope, Go Take a Nap! That's, like, a million of European tacos! [Or kebabs.--Eds.] |
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October 4, 2010—You need to do some autumnal cleaning, too. Max Weinberg will not be joining Conan O'Brien on TBS. Max, Go Take a Nap! We liked it when you would stare at the camera and make us all go tee-hee. [We guffawed and chortled.--Eds.] Start saving for layaway plans now, because Justin Bieber dolls will be hitting store shelves just in time for the annual holiday materialism season. Justin Bieber dolls, Go Take a Nap! I don't want any more dolls, unless, of course, they have a button on them I can push and hear all your hits! [Kidz Bop 17 is our favorite Kidz Bop album yet.--Eds.] Michael Bloomberg made a joke on Letterman about the bedbug infestation plaguing New York. Mayor Bloomberg, Go Take a Nap! Bedbugs are no laughing problem! They bite you and then you kill them, and then they bite you some more, and then they carry away babies down to their bedbug lairs and they eat the faces off and it's all so very horrible. [It's snot funny.--Eds.] And David Archuleta said that his most recent album was an attempt at letting out his goofy, dorky, and weird personality. David, that's Just Nice. But that's not enough to get me to buy the album. [Nor us.--Eds.] |
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September 27, 2010—Being the salt of the earth is probably not a good thing. Oprah will lend her voice to the letter "O" on Sesame Street, and will talk with Otto the Orangutan and Ophelia the Octopus. Oprah, that's Just Nice. But will you also be talking to Oliver the Ocelot and Orenthal the Osprey? [We seriously doubt it.--Eds.] Joaquin Phoenix apologized to David Letterman for pulling his stunt, but it doesn't seem like an apology was necessary, given that Letterman was allegedly hip to the hoax. Joaquin and Letterman, Go Take a Nap! We're sick and tired of tevee being fake and not meaning anything! [We're mad as hell, and we're not taking it anymore.--Eds.] And Bristol Palin finally has a Facebook page, and her first posts are about being on Dancing with the Stars. Bristol, that's Quite Nice. You really seem a lot more human all of the sudden, and I feel like your posts really help us understand you. [We danced with the stars the other night.--Eds.] |
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September 20, 2010—You're probably making it more difficult than it is. A group of Lithuanians donated a Frank Zappa sculpture to Baltimore, Zappa's hometown. Zappa never visited Lithuania, but his music inspired the group to start a fan club and install their own earlier copy of the statute in Vilnius. Group of Lithuanians, that's Really Quite Nice. Philadelphia is no doubt eagerly anticipating your Imogene Coca statue, as is New York awaiting its Hal Linden statue. [Or maybe the Harold Lipshitz statute?--Eds.] Lady Gaga wore a meat dress to the VMAs. Yes, a real meat dress. Lady Gaga, Go Take a Nap! You need to respect your spirit animals and if you slaughter them, you need to eat them. [Or make clothes out of them.--Eds.] Casey Affleck, the director of the Joaquin Phoenix mockumentary, admitted that it was all for show, and a writer for David Letterman also admitted that Letterman was in on the gig when Joaquin made his quirky appearance on Letterman's show. Casey, Joaquin, and Letterman, Go Take a Nap! You all sux0rs way bad, and I for one knew it was all a big put-on because who acts so crazy? [Crispin Glover?--Eds.] And David Chapman, who killed John Lennon, recently admitted that he had also considered killing Elizabeth Taylor and Johnny Carson, but in prior interviews admitted to also considering killing Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Paul McCartney, George C. Scott, and Ronald Reagan. David, Go Take a Nap! You shouldn't be thinking about killing anyone! And now you're in prison! [Gun crimes hit home.--Eds.] |
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September 13, 2010—I thought I was ready for some football. As Oprah's 25th and final season starts, she's made it clear that she's focusing on the viewers. Oprah, that's Quite Nice. I was disappointed with the 24th season because it seemed to be covered with a thin patina of not focusing on the viewers. [It will be nice to get rid of that thin patina.--Eds.] And to prove she's focusing on the viewers, one episode of the 25th season will feature Oprah dancing with John Travolta. Oprah, that's Just Nice. We viewers want to watch you dance with John Travolta. And then we want to watch you dance with Gene Gene the Dancing Machine. [We miss the Unknown Comic.--Eds.] Bob Marley's daughter pled guilty to growing marihuana in her home. Oh, Really? And the Joaquin Phoenix documentary which debuted at the Venice Film Festival confused viewers, who couldn't tell whether it was a serious documentary or a mockumentary. Joaquin Phoenix, Go Take a Nap! We want real and we don't want to be confused. [And we want you to shave.--Eds.] |
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September 6, 2010—Take a break. Taylor Lautner settled a lawsuit over an alleged failure to deliver a coach RV to a movie set in time for a shoot. The RV dealer originally challenged Lautner to a pushup contest to settle the dispute, but Lautner instead took $40,000 in a settlement and donated it to charity. Lautner, Go Take a Nap! You coulda won that pushup contest! And then you coulda turned into a werewolf and eaten out his throat and then you could run the dealership and be way super-powerful. [Whatever happened to pull-up contests?--Eds.] Shia The Beef is Forbes #1 Best Actor for the Buck by returning $81 of profit for each dollar a studio spends on him. Shia, that's Quite Nice. I'll send you a couple of dollars in the mail. I expect $162 in return. [We'll send three bucks.--Eds.] Conan O'Brien's new TBS show will be called Conan. Conan, Go Take a Nap! That title is way super-lame. What about Leno Sux0rs? [Or Anti-Leno?--Eds.] And Stephen Hawking's new book asserts that no higher being or god is necessary to create the universe. He said the Big Bang was the natural result of gravity. Stephen, Go Take a Nap! If the Big Bag was the result of gravity, who invented gravity? [And who invented the Big Bang?--Eds.] |
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August 30, 2010—Ragweed=nose run. Lady Gaga is now Twitter Queen, surpassing Britney Spears, with over 5,700,000 followers. Lady Gaga, that's Quite Nice. But how many Friendster friends do you have? [We're friends with her on LinkedIn.--Eds.] A toilet that once belonged to John Lennon sold for auction for almost $15,000, ten times what it was expected to fetch. John Lennon's toilet, Go Take a Crap! Do you have any idea how many tacos that is? That's like, 60,000 tacos on cheap taco night. [Or a bunch of stuff on a dollar menu.--Eds.] Jimmy Fallon and the Emmy Awards tried to go digital this year, including interactive votes using Twitter, and live updates via Facebook and YouTube. Emmy Awards, Go Take a Nap! You need to get back to traditions, not technology. Try filming in black and white and monaural next year. [We can do without high-def Fallon.--Eds.] |
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August 23, 2010—It shouldn't hurt when you eat. The DNA test performed on the corpse of Bobby Fischer showed that he is not, not the father of Jinky Young, a Filipino girl. Bobby Fischer's corpse, that's Quite Nice. Or maybe it's not. I can't really tell. [It might be Just Nice.--Eds.] And Jackie Chan wants kung fu added as an Olympic sport. Jackie, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many boards and concrete blocks will get destroyed for no good reason? [That's karate, not kung fu.--Eds.] |
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August 16, 2010—The best play their best when it matters most. Stephen Hawking said the human race needs to colonize other planets if it expects long-term survival. Stephen, Go Take a Nap! There's nothing wrong with Earth, and if anything too bad happens here, we can fix it! [We think 3,000 years is a pretty long-term survival so far.--Eds.] Rod Stewart is a father again at the age of 66 with his eighth child. Rod, that's Quite Nice. At that pace, you'll have your tenth kid at 88. [We think the eleventh kid at 99 will be more precious.--Eds.] Taylor Swift was enshrined at the Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame in Arlington, Texas. Taylor just beat out Justin Bieber, of course, in an online vote, to decide which celebrity had done the most to promote bowling. Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame, Go Take a Nap! What in the hell? Did you forget about Taylor Lautner and Zac Efron? I'm sure they've bowled once or twice, too. [We voted for Zsa Zsa Gabor.--Eds.] And Brigitte Bardot said no other actress could play her in a movie because no other actress could capture her personality. Brigitte, Go Take a Nap! Apparently all anyone has to do to capture your personality is be egomaniacal. [Which means Jack Jackson could play her.--Eds.] |
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August 9, 2010—Keep complaining and maybe it will get better. Justin Bieber is going to write a memoir, and it's not really a book. It's more of a picture book. Justin, that's Really Quite Nice. I'm sure you'll have lots of interesting pictures in your picture book, and lots of interesting captions, and all kinds of interesting things to say about the pictures and the captions. [We will wait in long lines to get him to sing our copies.--Eds.] Justin Bieber is also going to be in a 3-D concert movie. Justin, that's Really Quite Nice. I can't wait to put on some 3-D glasses and see your hair come at me in the third dimension. [We can't wait for a 4-D movie of his hair.--Eds.] Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are not going to get married after all. Bristol and Levi, Go Take a Nap! You've got to get married so that baby can be raised right in a loving family so it doesn't grow up to be a crazy rapist or whatever happens when families don't raise kids. [Who parents the parents?--Eds.] And California prosecutors alleged that doctors over-medicated Anna Nicole Smith. Oh, Really? Because she seemed like she was getting just the right amount of drugs in her body. [Maybe she wasn't adhereing to the prescribed dosage?--Eds.] |
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August 2, 2010—It's all a lot easier when you just stop caring. Yoko Ono opposes parole for Mark David Chapman, who shot and killed John Lennon in 1980. Oh, Really? Because we thought she'd be all about it and scream some songs in support. [We always preferred the Plastic Ono band to anything Wings ever did.--Eds.] Jimmy Fallon said he aims to be funny without being offensive while hosting the primetime Emmys. Jimmy, Go Take a Nap! You just made it easy for me not to watch. That, and, of course, your awful late-night tevee show. [And we heard he picks his nose too much.--Eds.] And get your credit cards ready, because Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala have teamed up with Target to offer a new line of William Rast clothing, emphasizing leather jackets and denim. Justin and Trace, Go Take a Nap! You're trying to be fashionistas with leather jackets and denim? Nay, I say. Much better to go with denim jackets and leather. [We like leather pants and leather faces.--Eds.] |
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July 26, 2010—Don't rule out the possible. And don't rule out the impossible, either. Madonna got into trouble for a rowdy party at her place in London, and she wasn't even there! Madonna, Go Take a Nap! You can't throw raging-sweet parties and not show up! That's why they turn rowdy! [We only show up to our parties when the cocktail weenies get hot.--Eds.] Oliver Stone suggested we should nationalize our energy industry, because it shouldn't run at such a huge profit. Oliver, Go Take a Nap! How on earth could we possible have an energy industry if there's no profit to be made? People don't do anything unless it's for money. [We sang to our plants last night and it wasn't for money.--Eds.] And two former employees of Mario Batali's Babbo Ristorante Enoteca have claimed he forced them illegally to share their tips with other staff. Two former employees, Go Take a Nap! If you start a fight with Mario, he's just gonna eat you! [With some nice puttanesca.--Eds.] |
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July 19, 2010—The heat's good for your tomato plants. Fewer people are watching late-night talk shows. Oh, Really? Because you know why? Because they all stink, that's why. [Until Conan comes back.--Eds.] Several fans of Michael Jackson have put graffiti on his mausoleum with messages generally stating how much they miss him. Fans of Michael Jackson, Go Take a Nap! Graffiti on his mausoleum doesn't do anything but make his ghost upset and then he's gonna come back and haunt that mausoleum and sing Thriller for real! [And Vincent Price, too.--Eds.] And Carlos Slim, the world's richest person, claims he aims to lead a simple life, and only gives himself $24,000 in salary each year. Carlos, Go Take a Nap! You deserve a raise! Give yourself, oh, $53.5Bilion this year, because that's what you have. [We'd live an extravagant and complicated life with less cash.--Eds.] |
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July 12, 2010—I'm not yelling at you. Hackers associated with 4chan rigged an online vote to decide where Justin Bieber should go on tour next, making North Korea the number one spot. Hackers associated with 4chan, Go Take a Nap! Don't mess with the Bieber! He might get his shiznit all up in your grillz! [Are we supposed to say w00t now?--Eds.] LeBron James joined Twitter, and lots of people are following his posts. LeBron, Go Take a Nap! I don't care what you have to say because you haven't won any championships yet. [America loves a winner.--Eds.] Yuill Damaso of South Africa painted Nelson Mandela dead getting an autopsy, and Yuill said it wasn't in bad taste. He said it was a way to honor Mandela. Yuill, Go Take a Nap! You don't honor people by painting them dead getting an autopsy! You honor people by painting them conquering hordes of barbarians! [Or raping and pillaging the enemy lands.--Eds.] And Queen Elizabeth II called for world peace at the United Nations. QE2, that's Really Quite Nice. But you really should've waited for your birthday to make that wish when you blow out your candles. [And remember not to tell anyone what you wish for.--Eds.] |
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July 5, 2010—Be the gravy on the potatoes of life. Rod Blagojevich considered Oprah for the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President Obama. Blagojevich, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how awful Oprah's filibuster speeches would be? She'd spend 24 hours on her favorite things alone! [Would she give the rest of the Senate gifts after her speech?--Eds.] Some Czech people want to put up a six-foot-tall bust of Michael Jackson, and some Czech people are against it because Jackson didn't have any direct connection to their republic other than performing there. Some Czech people, Go Take a Nap! Every country should have a six-foot-tall bust of Michael Jackson on display somewhere. He was the King of Pop! Pop music doesn't know national boundaries. [We hope America has a seven-foot-tall bust planned.--Eds.] Larry King plans to end his run on Larry King Live after 25 years. Larry, that's Just Nice. We'll all surely sorely miss your show. We just hope you continue your column in USA Today. [Um. He quit that in 2001.--Eds.] |
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June 28, 2010—Heat wave + meat wave=? Apparently, Robert Pattinson is related to Vlad III Dracula, the actual real-life vampire dracula true story historical figure inspiration for the original Dracula. Robert, that's Just Nice. I hope you don't think your lineage will get you any special favors in life. You better be happy with what you've got and not try to push it by throwing that whole "I'm related to the real vampire dracula" shit around all the time in order to get tables at hot restaurants. [We would so name drop if we were related to the actual Vlad III Dracula.--Eds.] Johnny Depp said he's onboard for a new 3-D Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Plot highlights of the new 3-D movie include: Depp's character running into a female woman he knows from his past; and Depp's character boarding a new pirate ship. New 3-D Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Go Take a Nap! You can't create a new Happy Meal with that kind of lame story detail! You need a bunch of new characters and a spaceship and some flying sharks and stuff like that. [We want to see a two-hour film of Depp riding the actual ride at Disneyland.--Eds.] |
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June 21, 2010—Move up the hill. Miley Cyrus says she's not trying to be slutty. Miley, that's Just Nice. But don't fight it, I say. Just do whatever you think will make you and daddy more money. [We try to be slutty, but no one looks back.--Eds.] One of Charlie Sheen's cars was stolen and driven off Mulholland Drive into a brushy ravine. Normally this wouldn't be too interesting, but it's the second time in five months that thieves stole one of his cars and drove it off Mulholland Drive into a brushy ravine. Thieves, Go Take a Nap! What's the point of stealing fancy celebrity cars and driving them off Mulholland Drive into brushy ravines? [Brushy or bushy?--Eds.] And Gary Coleman was cremated but had no funeral. Couldn't he have had at least just a little funeral? [Maybe just a short funeral?--Eds.] |
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June 14, 2010—About 80% of people with bullets in them had it comin'. Kevin Costner asked Congress to spend $20Million on a new technology which helps separate oil from water. Costner, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows that oil and water don't mix. So why would we spend a bunch of money on something that does what comes naturally? [We think he's selling snake oil.--Eds.] And Tom Cruise's Les Grossman character in Tropic Thunder will get his own movie. Les Grossman, Go Take a Nap! If any Tom Cruise bit part deserves a whole movie, it's definitely that vampire Lestat. [We've had our fill of vampires, even if they are super-sexy.--Eds.] |
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June 7, 2010—Vacation is for taking. The U.S. Library of Congress gave Paul McCartney the Gershwin Prize for popular songwriting. U.S. Library of Congress, Go Take a Nap! McCartney isn't even American! That would be like the Queen knighting Prince! [We always thought John was the better songwriter, anyway.--Eds.] And James Cameron joined a brainstorming session with scientists on how to stop the gulf oil spill. James Cameron, Go Take a Nap! We know how you would solve the oil spill. You would become one of the natives and infiltrate their society! [In 3-D.--Eds.] |
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May 31, 2010—Happy day off. Elton John performed in Morocco amid controversy, because there are many people there who are against homosexuality and don't want him to promote homosexual behavior in Moroccan youth. Elton, Go Take a Nap! If you keep performing in Morocco, every damn Moroccan youth will turn gay! [And once you turn gay, you never go back.--Eds.] And Lindsay Lohan asked Chanel to design her a fashionable alcohol monitoring bracelet. Lohan, Go Take a Nap! You do the crime, you do the time. And you wear the stigma of a regular-old alcohol monitoring bracelet. [You don't always have to drink everything.--Eds.] |
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May 24, 2010—You'd think if drinking actually had health benefits, we all would've seen them by now. Wal-Mart has pulled a line of Miley Cyrus jewelry because some samples tested positive for high levels of cadmium. Long-term exposure to cadmium can cause bone softening and kidney failure. Miley Cyrus jewelry, Go Take a Nap! Do you seriously want all of your young fans to get softened bones and failed kidneys? They'll all be boneless puddles of urine! [That's not the medical term for it.--Eds.] And Justin Bieber has been nominated for best new artist by the Black Entertainment Television Awards. Black Entertainment Television Awards, Go Take a Nap! You can't nominate Justin Bieber for best new artist! Have you seen him? He's not even . . . old enough to vote yet. [You're just jealous.--Eds.] |
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May 17, 2010—Poker on TV has lost its shine. Justin Bieber said he doesn't know why girls scream for him. Justin, Go Take a Nap! Girls scream for you because you're in all those awesome vampire movies and you turn into a werewolf with huge pectoral muscles. [There's a generation gap growing here.--Eds.] Gene Simmons said he couldn't have grinded a makeup artist because his codpiece prevents it. Gene, Go Take a Nap! You can still grind with a codpiece. In fact, metal studded codpieces make the whole grinding experience more pleasurable for all involved. [We prefer softer codpieces.--Eds.] And Shia TheBeef promised that the third Transformers movie would be better. Shia, that's Just Nice. But what would be better than a better third Transformers movie is if you could go back in time and just not make any Transformers movies. [Maybe they could go back in time and kill Hitler first?--Eds.] |
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May 10, 2010—Just putt already. Lindsay Lohan will portray porn star Linda Lovelace of Deep Throat. Lindsay, Go Take a Nap! You can't win your Oscar playing porn stars. [We hope she gets cast in a sequel to A Prairie Home Companion.--Eds.] There will be a Men in Black 3 in 3-D. Men in Black 3 in 3-D, Go Take a Nap! When are we going to see a serious movie in 3-D give legitimacy to the new technology? [As soon as John Waters makes a 3-D movie.--Eds.] And Robbie Knievel wants to attempt the Snake Canyon jump which Evel Knievel just missed in 1974. Robbie, that's Quite Nice. Just make sure you film it for YouTube. [We'd appreciate a DVD.--Eds.] |
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May 3, 2010—Something big is coming. And it's an oil slick. Hugh Hefner donated $900,000 to help save the historic Hollywood sign from developers. Hugh, that's Really Quite Nice. If anything ever happened to that Hollywood sign, I'd have to change my background picture. [And come up with some original jokes.--Eds.] Arnold Schwarzenegger said he'd run for president if he could, but he can't so that's that, and Go Take a Nap! [Concur.--Eds.] And Seth MacFarlane made passing reference to Nazi Germany when discussing Arizona's new immigration law. Seth, Go Take a Nap! This isn't Nazi Germany until we start shooting people we don't like because we don't like them. [Er.--Eds.] |
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April 26, 2010—Sometimes I wonder how people get out of bed. Sometimes I wonder how I got out of bed. Sharon Osbourne will get her breast implants removed this summer because "they're awful" and then she's going to give them to Ozzy. Sharon, Go Take a Nap! Breast implants serve their best purpose when they are implanted in breasts! If they're taken out, then they're just . . . potential breast implants. [We're not interested.--Eds.] Colin Powell and Bill Gates will join a Twitter campaign against malaria. Colin and Bill, Go Take a Nap! Do you really think Twitter will stop malaria? You need to send a bunch of gin and tonic water to Africa instead! [We prefer Boodles.--Eds.] |
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April 19, 2010—If I bump into it sober, it goes into the basement. Conan O'Brien will return to late night tevee on TBS. Conan, that's Just Nice. That was a good fit for Frank Caliendo and I guess George Lopez, although I didn't even know George had a show on TBS. [It will be nice to see him before reruns of All in the Family.--Eds.] Steven Seagal was accused of sexual harassment in a civil lawsuit filed by a former female assistant. She said he used her as a sex slave. Former female assistant, Go Take a Nap! It should be an honor, not a lawsuit, to be Mr. Seagal's sex slave. [He can't get consensual sex anymore?--Eds.] John Tesh admitted that he briefly dated Oprah Winfrey, and a new book claims he ended the relationship when he realized their skin colors were too different. Tesh, Go Take a Nap! Couldn't you tell you had a different skin color from Oprah before you started dating her? [And didn't Guess Who's Coming to Dinner get made a hundred years ago?--Eds.] |
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April 12, 2010—If the best isn't yet to come, we could be in trouble. Lance Bass, Cat Cora, and Green Day will sponsor a gay-friendly prom in Mississippi, and Lance is one of several celebrities expected to attend. Lance, Cat, and Green Day, that's Quite Nice. But maybe Green Day could just show up and not play any of their songs. That would probably make it all go better. [We'll offer our editing services for the press release.--Eds.] And Kim Jong-Il has apparently started a fashion trend by wearing his signature suits, which are described as "an overall-style zipped-up tunic and matching trousers, usually in khaki or blueish-grey." Jong-Il, Go Take a Nap! We don't need more fashion trends! We have enough already! [One more couldn't hurt too much.--Eds.] |
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April 5, 2010—When life gives you avocados, make avocado dip. Ricky Martin came out of the closet, saying he was inspired to do so now that he's a father to twin boys. Ricky, that's Quite Nice. But where did your two boys come from? Dudes can't get dudes pregnant. [Maybe it was some sort of hot-tub time machine?--Eds.] Anna Paquin came out to say she's bisexual. Anna, that's Quite Nice. The world would be a better place if we just told everyone we wanted to shtoop that we wanted to shtoop them. [We're trysexual.--Eds.] Kids at a West Virginia school said in a survey that they prefer chicken nuggets and pizza over Jamie Oliver's healthy meals. Oh, Really? Since when is boiled kidney and blood pudding considered "healthy"? [Why not make healthy chicken nuggets?--Eds.] And Danny Glover compared the earthquake destruction in Haiti to that of WWII. Danny, Go Take a Nap! There weren't any WWII battles in Haiti! WWII took place in Germany! [And then Japan made Godzilla movies.--Eds.] |
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March 29, 2010—Just make another spreadsheet. Rosie O'Donnell wants to return to daytime tevee to fill in the void from Oprah. She plans to have an uplifting show. Rosie, Go Take a Nap! You're not going to make an uplifting show to fill the void! Your show will be a dark black hole that nothing can fill. [That's a little harsh.--Eds.] Justin Bieber's manager was arrested for not tweeting to fans to tell them not to come to an already overcrowded event at a shopping mall, where people were in danger of being trampled. Justin Bieber's manager, Go Take a Nap! You got arrested for not tweeting. That's got to be about the lamest damn thing I've heard this week. [We agree.-Eds.] Simon Cowell is going to get an international Emmy. Simon, that's Just Nice. But I guess this just proves my old saying: they'll give out international Emmys to anyone. [We're still waiting for ours.--Eds.] And the Pope rode the Popemobile for the first time on a Palm Sunday this year. Pope, Go Take a Nap! You gotta use that Popemobile! Get the cobs out of the engine! [We would use the Popemobile every day if we could.--Eds.] |
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March 22, 2010—When a dog licks you, it's not "kisses." Mike Tyson will appear on a pigeon racing show on Animal Planet. Tyson is a novice pigeon racer. Animal Planet, Go Take a Nap! I don't want to watch novice pigeon racing! I only have time for the best! [We were never very good at pigeon racing.--Eds.] President Obama said Tiger Woods is still a terrific golfer. President Obama, that's Quite Nice. And Marv Albert is still a terrific NBA sportscaster. [We're still terrific editors.--Eds.] And Tiger Woods said he's a little nervous about how fans will react upon his return at the Masters. Tiger, Go Take a Nap! Everyone will be really glad to see you. You make them all money. [We don't watch golf unless Tiger is playing.--Eds.] |
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March 15, 2010—Start thinking about your garden. Farrah Fawcett's omission from the Oscars' in memoriam was intentional, because she was known better as a tevee star. Oscars, Go Take a Nap! Farrah was in The Cannonball Run and The Cookout and Dr T and the Women! That ought to be enough to be in-memoriamed. [It sure is in our book.--Eds.] Andy Richter told Regis and Kelly that the separation from NBC left him feeling some ill will toward the network. Oh, Really? [Maybe he ahs separation issues?--Eds.] And a British court banned Pete Doherty from driving for a year for letting his manager drive his car without insurance. British court, Go Take a Nap! Pete deserves way more punishment than that. He brought heroin into one of the court hearings! [He probably shouldn't be driving at all until he kicks that heroin habit.--Eds.] |
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March 8, 2010—People usually got it comin'. President Obama helped America's Most Wanted celebrate its 1,000th show by being interviewed by John Walsh. President Obama, that's Quite Nice. But where were you when I celebrated my 10th year of Go Take a Nap!? [Technically, it's only been nine full years.--Eds.] Michael J. Fox was awarded an honorary doctorate degree by the Swedish Karolinska Institute for helping increase awareness of Parkinson's disease. Karolinska Institute, Go Take a Nap! I've been increasing the awareness of celebrity foibles and missteps for ten years now, and I have yet to receive any honorary degree. [It's been more like nine years.--Eds.] Tiger Woods turned down a $75Million offer to be spokesperson for Paddy Power, an Irish gambling site. Tiger, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many tacos that is? That's like, 150Million tacos! [Or 300,000,000 tacos on cheap taco night.--Eds.] |
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March 1, 2010—You don't have to shave today. [Note: Jack Jackson is away this week. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.--Eds.] My dad says Tiger Woods is a bad role model because he isn't a good dad. But he wants me to golf like Tiger so I can make a bunch of money and then dad won't have to work anymore. I guess I'll keep trying. The Oscars are next week and I sure hope Avatar wins. I saw it in IMAX and it was so cool! All that stuff was flying around and right at you and I even tried to swat away some of it when I thought it was too close. They said it cost a lot to make, and you can tell. And dad said the tickets were too expensive, too, but you can totally tell that it's worth it because it was expensive. Who would want to spend less money and make a movie that wasn't as cool? I wish those alien cat people were red instead of whatever color they were. I think it was blue, but they looked a little green, too. Mom says I'm probably color blind, but I don't think so. Dad says I can't fly planes now, but I don't care. I just want to shoot stuff from the plane if I'm ever on one. Seems like there were a lot of people killing themselves this week. I don't get that. If you're sad, listen to your favorite song. I like Just Dance by Lady Gaga. That song's probably saved a ton of people from committing suicide. Did you watch the Super Bowl? I liked some of the commercials. The game was good, too. I wish there were more monkey commercials or at least sock monkey commercials. And that old lady got all tackled super-hard and I laughed so hard Cheeto powder came out my nose. I guess that's better than guacamole coming out your nose! Okay I gotta go now. I'm trying to unlock a new car in this racing game I got for the PSP and it's really tough but I know I can do it if I just keep trying. |
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February 22, 2010—It's time for the good news. You go first. The potential winners of this year's Oscars were told to keep their acceptance speeches short and if they wanted to list off a bunch of people to thank, they could wait and do that backstage to the Thank You Cam. Oscars, Go Take a Nap! You can't just have a Thank You Cam without the Screw You Cam! There must be balance in all things. [We sense a disturbance in the Force.--Eds.] Barbara Walters announced that this year's Oscars special, will be her last. Barbara, Go Take a Nap! What am I gonna watch while I make all my champagne cocktails and guacamole? [We liked last year's cocktail wienies in the little crockpot with the Cookie's BBQ sauce.--Eds.] Apparently, Kevin Smith is fat and Southwest Airlines told him so, and this made national news. Kevin and Southwest, Go Take a Nap! Air your dirty laundry in some other national news. [We don't like sitting next to fat people on planes, even if they are moderately famous.--Eds.] And Conan O'Brien might do some live shows between now and when he gets his next show. Conan, that's Quite Nice. I want to see these shows so send me some tickets. [We're on Team CoCo.--Eds.] |
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February 15, 2010—It looks better when you pick at it. Tom Cruise will rehash his role as Ethan Hunt in Mission: Impossible IV. Tom, Go Take a Nap! You can't do a fourth movie unless you plan to do a full-on second trilogy! [We were sort of hoping for three trilogies.--Eds.] Ellen DeGeneres said Simon Cowell is meaner than she thought he'd be. Ellen, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows exactly how mean Simon Cowell is: asshole mean. [We prefer asshat to asshole these days.--Eds.] And a robot has been starring in South Korean plays. The robot has 16 facial expressions and can communicate in Korean and English. Robot, Go Take a Nap! You're going to steal all of our good acting jobs and then who will pay egotistical maniacs enough money to support their coke habits? [We for one welcome our new robot actors.--Eds.] |
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February 8, 2010—Don't be afraid to try out some new things. Avatar earned nine Oscar nominations, but none of them were for any of the acting. Oh, Really? Because I thought everyone in the movie deserved at least three Oscars: one for their human acting, another for their blue kitty acting, and a final one just for good measure. [And maybe a fourth one for saving a planet from total gentrification?--Eds.] And Tom Watson said Tiger Woods needs to clean up his act. Tom, Go Take a Nap! I don't care what you have to say because you missed that par putt at the British Open and I wished so bad you'd make that putt and then you just cut my heart out. [He should've chipped from the back fringe.--Eds.] |
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February 1, 2010—Neurosis makes good sense when everyone's out to get you. Oprah Winfrey was 2009's favorite tevee personality, according to some damn poll. Oprah, that's Just Nice. Maybe you can parlay that popularity into something. [Like her own TV show.--Eds.] And James Earl Jones was is the most trusted celebrity, according to some other damn poll. James, that's Just Nice. But I could never trust someone who voiced Darth Vader. [But he was a good guy in some other movies.--Eds.] Jay Leno said he hasn't spoken to Conan O'Brien yet. Jay, Go Take a Nap! This isn't junior high. Call him up and say you're sorry for being such a peckerhead and then you'll be done. [But Jay didn't do anything wrong.--Eds.] And Pete Doherty was fined for bringing heroin into a courtroom. Pete, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you do drugs, and then go to court! [We're not sure that's the right message to send.--Eds.] |
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January 25, 2010—Economics: a rigorous and disciplined study which uses calculus and graphs to prove people would rather have two dollars instead of one. It looks like NBC won't let Conan O'Brien take some of the show's characters with him, like the Masturbating Bear, Pimpbot 5000, and Conando, and it's unclear whether Robert Smigel will get to keep ownership over Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. NBC, Go Take a Nap! Do you really think Jay Leno has a whole bunch of Masturbating Bear shtick lined up? Just let the Masturbating Bear loose! [We think Jay Leno would be a really good Conando.--Eds.] Andy Dick was arrested for two counts of felony sexual abuse after being accused of grabbing a bouncer's crotch. Andy, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you don't grab the bouncer's crotch. That's not why he's there. Save your crotch grabbing for the people who dangle their genitals at you! [We're not sure that's the right message to send.--Eds.] And Oprah wants to interview Jay Leno one-on-one in Los Angeles. Oprah and Jay, Go Take a Nap! When you two get done grabbing each other's crotches, please let us all know so we can get on with our lives. [We had to turn down an interview with Oprah because it wasn't her Favorite Things episode.--Eds.] |
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January 18, 2010—I play better with a bye week. The Boulder Film Festival will honor Alec Baldwin this year. Boulder Film Festival, Go Take a Nap! Way to go, stoners, honoring a man for acting who wants to quit acting. [We would be honored to receive an honor for editing, even though we'd like to quit editing this damn column.--Eds.] Tobey Maguire and Sam Raimi will not be a part of Spiderman 4. Tobey and Sam, Go Take a Nap! How will we know how the series ends if you don't finish it? Will they fix Mary Jane Watson's strabismus? [Don't change a horse in midstream.--Eds.] Simon Cowell will have his own singing show. Simon, that's Just Nice. No one know what it will be called yet, but there's even money on British Asshat. [Good one.--Eds.] Jerry Seinfeld called the prime time Jay Leno experiment "the right idea at the wrong time." Jerry, Go Take a Nap! It was so obviously clear that it was the wrong idea at the right time. [We just hope they release it all on Blu-ray.--Eds.] And Tiger Woods can't use GM cars for free anymore. GM, Go Take a Nap! Don't you want to be known as the preferred motor vehicle of cured sex addicts? [We'd like to be sex addicts, but no one wants to do with editors of obscure gossip columns.--Eds.] |
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January 11, 2010—Would you rather have a sweet-ass ride or a sweet ass ride? Emile Hirsch and Jessica Biel are going to climb Mr. Kilimanjaro for charity, and you can go online to follow their trek and donate money for clean water. Emile and Jessica, Go Take a Nap! I'm not going to donate money for clean water! I have some coming right out of my tap right now! [We're not sure that's the point.--Eds.] ESPN and Discovery are planning to launch 3-D networks soon. ESPN and Discovery, that's Just Nice. But I think I'll skip this technology and wait for the 4-D channels. [The Fourth Dimension is money.--Eds.] The anti-whaling vessel partially funded by Bob Barker got into a kerfuffle with a Japanese whaler. Japanese whaler, Go Take a Nap! You don't want to mess with Bob Barker. He's good friends with Chuck Norris! Do you have any idea what that means? I really hope you don't have any POWs on board. [Time to dish out some Justice Américain--Eds.] And NBC has euthanized The Jay Leno Show. NBC, Go Take a Nap! I thought it was getting better! Just a few more years and Leno would've turned it around. [We wanted two hours of Jay.--Eds.] |
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January 4, 2010—If this isn't going to be the best year ever, you've got some explaining to do. The video for Michael Jackson's Thriller was added to the National Film Registry, making it the first music video on the list. The video had been considered before, but the death of Jacko made the timing right, according to Steve Leggett, coordinator of the National Film Preservation Board. Steve, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how much this would've meant to Jacko if you'd added Thriller when he was alive? As a struggling artist, I know how important it is to get one's work recognized. [We haven't quite acquired the taste for Jack Jackson's work.--Eds.] Tyra Banks plans to end her talk show run in spring 2010. Tyra, Go Take a Nap! You can't quit while you're ahead. I mean, I just watched that high-colonic enema episode the other day and I know you got more tevee magic left in you. [We prefer simple enemas, not high-colonic enemas.--Eds.] A study by a bunch of UC-Davis economics professors suggests that the Tiger Woods porkin' snafu has the potential to cost $12Billion in losses to companies he sponsored. UC-Davis economics professors, Go Take a Nap! Do you really think that's a realistic estimate? That's, like 24Billion tacos! [Or about $1Billion per girlfriend.--Eds.] And Elton John says he is successfully helping Eminem through drug addiction. Elton, that's Really Quite Nice. I'm sure you would extend the same kindness to me when I get addicted to drugs when the high of fame and money aren't enough to get me out of bed. [We're ready for that money to roll in.--Eds.] |