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December 28, 2009—Start your re-gifting pile. A judge refused to relax Boy George's probation order, and now he can't be part of Celebrity Big Brother. Judge, Go Take a Nap! Boy George is a celebrity! And that means he gets to stand above the law. [Just like judges.--Eds.] And Hugh Grant said he's always wanted to write a novel after making some films, and has one half done. Hugh, Go Take a Nap! You can't go around writing half novels! Do you want them to get half published, and then have us all half read them? [We probably wouldn't even third read them.--Eds.] |
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December 21, 2009—At some point you're gonna have to start drinking less. Not much too exciting happened this last week, but of note is that Michael Phelps said he sympathizes with Tiger Woods and the shameful publicity because Phelps had the picture of him with what looked like a marihuana pipe published all over the Innerwebs. Phelps, that's Quite Nice. I'm sure when that picture hit the Innerwebs, you felt just like Tiger does now, with all his ladyfriends all a-twitter and all his sponsorfriends all a-dropping his ass. [Our generation called it grass.--Eds.] And happy Gift Exchange Week. If you don't get me what I asked for, I'll be mad. |
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December 14, 2009—Those who shout with greatest conviction often shout with least education. Two people tried to blackmail John Stamos over a couple of pictures, and Stamos said the pictures are not embarrassing. Stamos, Go Take a Nap! When you get blackmailed with pictures, they better be pretty damn embarrassing. I mean, at least something where you're drunk and your pants are at your ankles. [Or something with an inflatable sheep.--Eds.] A British tevee station apologised for filming the killing and cooking and eating of a rat on some damn reality show. British tevee station, Go Take a Nap! You should be plenty aware that the killing, cooking, and eating of a rat is downright unwholesome. [We wanted chilled monkey brains, but no.--Eds.] |
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December 7, 2009—Please stop singing about wanting it to snow. Alec Baldwin said he's lost his interest in acting, considers his film career a complete failure, and plans to quit acting after his stint on 30 Rock. Alec, Go Take a Nap! Your movie career wasn't a complete failure! You were in Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, and Scout's Honor. [We believe our editing careers are complete failures.--Eds.] Paul McCartney wants a meat-free day, once a week, to help reduce carbon dioxide emissions. Paul, Go Take a Nap! Eating less meat won't reduce carbon dioxide emissions! We've got to eat the animals before they produce the carbon dioxide? [We're doing our part.--Eds.] |
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November 30, 2009—Stop adding mayonnaise to everything. Adam Lambert caused some sort of collective panties' wrinkling during the American Music Awards because he supposedly "simulated oral sex" by shoving a man's face to his crotch and then he kissed a male band member. Collectively wrinkled panties, Go Take a Nap! Do you really think shoving a face towards a crotch is simulated oral sex? You need to do way more than that, like do the whole tongue-in-cheek thing. And he kissed a man because he's gay, and when you run around on stage with the microphone and the big ego, you get to kiss anyone nearby until the song is over. That's just how it works in show business. [We're still stunned anyone was watching.--Eds] Paul McCartney said when he plays music, it's sort of a way to visit with the other Beatles. Paul, that's Just Nice. And I visited the Beatles just a couple of weeks ago when I played Rock Band. [We wish the Shadow People would stop visiting us at night.--Eds.] And Tiger Woods said his single-car accident in his neighborhood was embarrassing. Tiger, Go Take a Nap! Single-car accidents are not embarrassing. They're a rite of passage into a new era of your life, where the media blitz about your life gets even more intense. [We can't wait to see how high his insurance premiums shoot.--Eds.] |
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November 23, 2009—What you call "impatience" is actually just me moving faster than you. A recently published book of excerpts of the diary of Mussolini's mistress reveals Mussolini was a rabid anti-Semite. Oh, Really? I thought he diary would reveal he really liked pasta and bread and beans. [He probably liked New York style pizza.--Eds.] Los Angeles wants to get paid for helping out with Michael Jackson's funeral to the tune of $3Million, even though the funeral brought in over $4Million to local businesses. Los Angeles, Go Take a Nap! If you want to play big time, you gots ta pay big time. [We hope Los Angeles can afford our funeral.--Eds.] In related news, Michael Jackson's white glove sold for $350,000 at auction, and his jacket sold for $225,000. Michael Jackson's white glove, that's Just Nice. Maybe you can donate some of your profits to Los Angeles. [We don't think gloves can donate money.--Eds.] And an art collector has found a "tooth, thumb, and forefinger" of Galileo. Art collector, that's Quite Nice. Does that mean Galileo died while picking at his teeth? [Will someone find Michael Jackson's tooth, thumb, and forefinger in 400 years?--Eds.] |
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November 16, 2009—Go ahead and eat the second donut. Mutual of Omaha and Oprah Winfrey have settled their differences over the phrase aha moment and Mutual of Omaha's website, ahamoment.com. Oprah and Mutual of Omaha, that's Just Nice. And I've just had myself an aha moment: It doesn't really matter who you are or what you do on this crazy hazy world filled with strife, struggle, pain, suffering, triumph, joy, war, peace, love, and understanding, just so long as you can stand up on your two feet now and then and say to yourself, "I can still see my shoes when I stand up, and I haven't had to go to one of those paycheck advance places for two years." [We had our aha moment listening to a-ha.--Eds.] {That's cheating.--Jack Jackson} Roger Corman will get a lifetime Oscar. Roger, that's Quite Nice. I think it's about time Hollywood recognized you for your contribution to film, and in honor of Death Race 2000, I will speed by some retirement housing and see how many points I can get. [There're more points to be had near hospitals.--Eds.] Daniel Radcliffe said he did not smoke marihuana after a party. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! You shouldn't be ashamed to admit to getting high now and then. You've earned it! But you should get high before the party, not after, and sometimes I guess you can get high during a party, but you don't want to be known as the guy always getting high during parties, because then you'll start to develop a reputation for that type thing. [Our generation called it grass.--Eds.] And Sarah Palin said she didn't know her daughter was sexually active until she announced she was pregnant. Sarah, Go Take a Nap! There are, like, so many ways you could've figured it out well short of pregnancy. For example, you could've checked out Levi's Facebook status updates. He no doubt was telling all his friends that he was going to parlay his recent sexual accomplishments into a career of pimping pistachios and posing nude. [We're, unashamedly, so very jealous of it all.--Eds.] |
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November 9, 2009—If you don't like what you see, make something you like to look at. Jay Leno was magnanimous enough to say that he would take The Tonight Show job back from Conan O'Brien if NBC offered. Jay, Go Take a Nap! Your ratings have plummeted, some affiliates want to dump your show, and you think somehow you can just make it all go away by getting your old job back? Only Brett Favre gets to pull that kind of stunt. [We'd take any of our old jobs back if offered to us.--Eds.] Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin will co-host the Oscars. Steve and Alec, that's Quite Nice. I can only imagine the high-larity that will ensue when Steve brings out his banjo and Alec yells gruffly about stuff then mugs for the camera. [Maybe they can get Tom Bergeron to help out, too?--Eds.] Owen Wilson has agreed to be the voice of Marmaduke for a movie which will be animated and live action. Owen, Go Take a Nap! You don't need to voice a dog who does nothing but slobber and eat. [Sometimes he poops and sleeps.--Eds.] The Parents Television Council does not want CW affiliates to air the Gossip Girl episode 3SOME, the plot of which will involve a sexual three-way ménage à trois sex-pile with three of the show's major characters. Parents Television Council, Go Take a Nap! If we can't watch threeways during prime time, you'll just create a black market for illegal threeways and think of the children! [We're waiting for next week's episode, 4SOME.--Eds.] And Roger Moore has launched a campaign against foie gras, a delicacy of fatty liver created by force-feeding ducks and geese. Roger, Go Take a Nap! You should be saving the world from Blofeld and Drax, not delicious fatty liver. [We like foie gras with veal and bear bile.--Eds.] |
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November 2, 2009—Sometimes a commercial for jeans is just a commercial for jeans. Elizabeth Taylor said "This is It" is the "single most brilliant piece of filmmaking" she's ever seen. Elizabeth, that's Just Nice. I was a bit on the fence about whether to see this film and its brilliance, but now that you've given it such a resounding review, I think I'll put it on my Netflix queue and stockpile some Jesus Juice for that magical day when it arrives in the mail. [We'll bring the chips and guacamole.--Eds.] The richest dead celebrity for 2009 is (was) Yves Saint Laurent, who raked in $350Million. Yves, Go Take (Dirt) a Nap! You're dead! What's the point of making more money? You can't take it with you, you know. [Maybe he's designing for the angels.--Eds.] Miley Cyrus is the worst celebrity influence of 2009, according to an AOL poll. AOL poll, Go Take a Nap! The worst celebrity influence of 2009 is clearly not Miley Cyrus. The worst celebrity influence of 2009 is that awful performer girl, Hannah Montana. [Billy Ray Cyrus is a bad celebrity influence, too.--Eds.] Not only did Andre Agassi admit to using crystal meth for about a year, but he also admitted that his long hair was a wig to disguise his hair loss. Andre, Go Take a Nap! If you want to hide your hair loss, you don't need a two-foot long wig. Just do a comb-over, or get some GLH spray-on hair in a can. [Or just wear a hat?--Eds.] And Elsie Poncher's crypt above Marilyn Monroe failed to get any approved bids. Elsie, that's Just Nice. Now when you die you can have a nice place to forever sleep. [We'd rather have the cash.--Eds.] |
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October 26, 2009—We wear shorts in the summer, but why not "longs" in the winter? Dave Chapelle failed to break the record for longest standup routine at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, because five hours into it he left the stage to go to the bathroom. That leaves the record of 7:34 with Dane Cook. Dave, Go Take a Nap! Wear some goddamn diapers next time! And I find it hard to believe that Dane Cook is credited with any comedy records. [Dane Cook is more comedic styling than comedy.--Eds.] A piece of Elvis Presley's hair, supposedly cut when he joined the Army in 1958, was sold at auction for $18,300. Piece of Elvis Presley's hair, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many tacos you could buy for $18,300? [Yes: 73,200 tacos.--Eds.] Nobel Prize winner Jose Saramago said the Bible was a book full of bad morals and without it we would probably be better people. Jose, Go Take a Nap! If we didn't have the Bible, how would we know about heaven, hell, or coveting wives of neighbors? [And what would we do at Bible school?--Eds.] Suzanne Somers is all against chemotherapy and encourages people to seek alternative cancer treatments. Suzanne, that's Just Nice. But the only way to cure cancer is to get an extra kind of cancer and have the cancers eat each other up. [Or just bite off the cancer.--Eds.] And Madonna has upset her neighbors in her Manhattan apartment with loud noise and dancing. Madonna's Manhattan neighbors, Go Take a Nap! Of course Madonna dances to loud music! Why not complain about Jeffrey Dahmer for keeping body parts in the refrigerator? [Sucks to rent.--Eds.] |
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October 19, 2009—You shouldn't argue about tastes, unless you're right. Prince said Paris was an erotic and inspirational city. Prince that's Quite Nice. What do you think of your home town, Minneapolis? [We think it's fun and cold.--Eds.] Madonna donated her favorite pair of Christian Dior shoes to a Gypsy charity in Romania so it could sell them and make money for Gypsy child education. Madonna, Go Take a Nap! Do you really think you're going to advance child Gypsy education with your favorite pair of Christian Dior shoes? You need to donate your favorite Christian Dior purse as well! [And her favorite Christian Dior hat.--Eds.] Elsie Poncher is again attempting to auction the crypt above Marilyn Monroe. Elsie, Go Take a Nap! You're going to need a place for your body when you die! [Maybe she's pondering cremation.--Eds.] And Mexican rocker Alejandra Guzman developed an infection in her ass after a plastic surgery attempt to "enhance her buttocks." Alejandra, Go Take a Nap! Every American knows you don't need a needle to enhance your buttocks. You just need to sit around all day and overeat. [Or do a bunch of butt thrusts.--Eds.] |
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October 12, 2009—Moist beef is the way to go. Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin's babydaddy, is going to pose for Playgirl and he's got a bodybuilder trainer helping him get ready. Levi, Go Take a Nap! Training for a Playgirl shoot is cheating! You should just let them take pictures of you as you are in your natural beauty. [They'll touch up the photos later and buff out some of the d-baggery.--Eds.] Michael Jordan was caught smoking a cigar on the public golf course in San Fransisco where the Presidents Cup was played. Michael, Go Take a Nap! You should know that smoking cigars is bad for you and increases your risk of throat and mouth cancer. [And it's a sign of d-baggery.--Eds.] Michael Vick told a Baptist church that dogfighting is pointless and he doesn't know why he funded a dogfighting group. Michael, Go Take a Nap! You spent a bunch of your money on something pointless and you don't know why? [We, too, believe dogfighting is pointless.--Eds.] Bryan Singer said he's interested in making another X-Men movie. Oh, Really? Because making a bunch of money off of a built-in fan base seems really cheap, you know? [We're interested in making money and not knowing why we spend it on stuff.--Eds.] And Roman Polanski appears to be dejected and depressed in jail. Oh, Really? I thought jail was a place of mirth and merriment. [It is when they bring in the margarita machines.--Eds.] |
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October 5, 2009—Save money by buying all of your Halloween candy at Thanksgiving time. One of David Letterman's producers, Joe Halderman, allegedly tried to blackmail him about Letterman's affairs with some staff members. Joe, Go Take a Nap! Having sex with the staff is not blackmail material. That's just part of the job description! [Ask Bob Barker.--Eds.] James Franco will guest star on General Hospital. James, that's Quite Nice. I'd guest star on General Hospital anytime, as long as I could play twins, one good one and one evil one. [We'd want to play the crazy rich dudes that cause all the problems.--Eds.] Paul Newman was happy to learn that he was on Nixon's enemies list, according to his daughter Nell. Paul, Go Take a (Dirt) Nap! It's not cool to be on Nixon's shit list! He'll mo-foin' carpet bomb your ass! [And he won't feel bad about it, either.--Eds.] And Roman Polanski's new movie, Ghost, is now on hold. Oh, Really? No word yet on whether it's a remake of Swayze's Ghost, but I'm sure Roman can figure out a way to direct from jail. [He'll be very popular in jail, because criminals love "Chinatown."--Eds.] |
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September 28, 2009—It's the journey of life that's important, not the . . . other part of it. Michael Lawrence Kozelka was accused of stalking Jewel at her ranch, but he said he was on a mission from God and that God led him to Jewel's ranch. Michael, Go Take a Nap! Playing the Mission from God Card on such trivialities really demeans the actual missions from God, like when God told man to mix peanut butter and chocolate. [Or when God told man to invent pizza.--Eds.] Mackenzie Phillips said her dad, John Phillips of The Mamas & the Papas, had sex with her the night before her marriage in 1979. John Phillips, Go Take a (Dirt) Nap! That's a really messed up way of giving away your daughter! And just because you did a lot of drugs is no excuse. [Incest is the gateway crime.--Eds.] And Patrick Swayze originally thought the screenplay for Dirty Dancing was too tame and clean. Patrick, Go Take a (Dirt) Nap! How could you possibly think that a movie called Dirty Dancing was a clean movie? [We want to see a nice family film called Clean Dancing.--Eds.] |
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September 21, 2009—We are achieving excellence in ways only we can appreciate. Jacko's mum and three kids will be getting over $86,000 a month from his estate. Jacko's estate, that's Quite Nice. Think of all the giraffes and Elephant Man bones they could buy with that stipend. [And Pepsi.--Eds.] The Newlywed Game will welcome its first gay couple, George Takei and Brad Altman. Newlywed Game, that's Quite Nice. I can't wait to hear their answers to "What was the strangest place you've ever made whoopee?" [That would be up the butt, Bob.--Eds.] The FCC will once again look into the wardrobe malfunction incident at the Super Bowl halftime show in 2004. FCC, Go Take a Nap! There was a bit of a tit on the tevee. And now every child who watched it has become a sex-crazed rapist. Let's leave well enough alone. [We check our wardrobe everyday now.--Eds.] Guinness did in fact certify that 13,597 Mexico City dancers set the world record for most people performing the Zombie Dance from Thriller. Mexico City dancers, that's Just Nice. But I'm letting you know right now that record won't stand for long. I'm planning on getting 13,598 people to do the Zombie Dance soon. [Very soon.--Eds.] And Phil Spector said that life in prison is driving him insane. Phil, Go Take a Nap! You were insane before you went to prison. Have you actually ever listened to The Long and Winding Road? [That song sux.--Eds.] |
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September 14, 2009—Show me a seedless watermelon and I'll show you a watermelon with seeds in it. Italian P.M. Silvio Berlusconi said he loves beautiful women. Oh, Really? Because I thought you liked big, hairy women with warts on their faces. [And corns on their toes.--Eds.] Erin Andrews told Oprah she thought her career was over after the video of her undressing in her hotel room was leaked. Erin, Go Take a Nap! That wasn't the end of a career! That was the beginning of a new one! Professional hotel undresser lady is an excellent new career choice. [Silvio would like it.--Eds.] Johnny Depp will be doing another Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Oh, Really? Is it because he likes money? Or because he likes rum? [What's the pirate word for cash cow?--Eds.] Ellen DeGeneres said she'll be honest but kind on American Idol. Ellen, Go Take a Nap! We don't want to see honesty or kindness anymore. We want mean, crabby, and jerky. [Turkey jerky.--Eds.] |
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September 7, 2009—Sometimes you need a break from vacation. The Best Picture Oscar will now be based on a ranked vote, one through ten, which will supposedly [Supposably?--Eds.] give more weight to a second- or third-place vote. The vote was traditionally based on a simple count of votes, one vote per voter, and the most votes took the prize. Best Picture Oscar, Go Take a Nap! Why don't you just use the system for NFL Quarterback Rating instead? [Any method that ensures "Shakespeare in Love" takes the Oscar is o-tay with us.--Eds.] Werner Herzog has a new movie coming out called Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. It has nothing to do with the Harvey Keitel picture called simply Bad Lieutenant. Werner, Go Take a Nap! It's completely obvious that you should've named your movie Bad Lieutenant: Electric Boogaloo. [How about "Bad Lieutenant: No, Not That Bad Lieutenant, the Movie You Ran from Screaming"?--Eds.] |
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August 31, 2009—All of these pills really seem to be working. The eBay sale of Elsie Poncher's husband's tomb next to Marilyn Monroe's originally hit $4.6Million, but ultimately that bid fell through, and her attorney is going to figure out if any of the other bids are good. Elsie, Go Take a (whole 'nother) Nap! I can't believe you'd sell out your dead husband for a mere $4.6Million! I would've held out for at least $5.2Million. [We'd wait for the economy to turn around.--Eds.] Nick Jonas, 16, said he's always dreamed of becoming president. Nick, that's Quite Nice. But you have about 19 years of life to become jaded, at least politically. If you still want to run for president whey you're 35, I'll vote for you. [Assuming the wily Chinee have not taken over by then.--Eds.] Alec Baldwin says he does not plan to run for the U.S. Senate against Joe Lieberman in 2012. Alec, that's Just Nice. And in other news, I do not plan to run against Alec Baldwin in 2012 for Biggest Headed Actor. [Assuming the Aztec Calendar hasn't ended the world then.--Eds.] Supposably, 12,937 people in Mexico City broke the world record for most people dancing to Thriller on what would've been Jacko's 51st birthday. There must be a certification by Guinness, however, that all of those people actually performed the whole dance routine. Guinness, Go Take a Nap! Of course all those people performed the whole dance routine! It was Jacko's birthday. What else would they be doing? [The Macarena?--Eds.] |
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August 24, 2009—If you feel tired, go take a nap. The body of model Jasmine Fiore was really mutilated. [How mutilated was it?!--Eds.] It was so mutilated that detectives had to use serial numbers from her fake boobs to identify her. Detectives, Go Take a Nap! You can't use serial numbers on fake boobs to identify people! Cops need to develop a better feel for their work. [Mutilation jokes aren't funny.--Eds.] Jay Leno said his prime-time show is a lot more work than The Tonight Show was. Jay, Go Take a Nap! All you have to do is wait for models to get mutilated so badly that cops need to use the serial numbers from their fake boobs to identify them and the jokes practically write themselves. [Ahem.--Eds.] Richard Hatch said he was sent to prison for his tax evasion conviction because he's gay. Richard, Go Take a Nap! You were sent to prison because you're a fat-fat fattie! [Possibly he was imprisoned because he's a tax evasioner?--Eds.] And Miss USA is a Miss Universe finalist. Miss Universe, Go Take a Nap! Didn't we skip something here? Whatever happened to Miss Galaxy? Or Miss Solar System? [Miss Greater Omniverse?--Eds.] |
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August 17, 2009—Be willing to go out of your way to get a direct flight. Elsie Poncher is trying to sell her dead husband's tomb because it's next to Marilyn Monroe's, and she thinks she can get $500,000 for it to pay off her house. She's having her husband moved next door to open up the spot. Elsie, Go Take a (Dirt) Nap! Do you have any idea how haunted that tomb is going to be after you move your husband? And it's just not right, selling out your husband's tomb like that. [It'll be like "Ghost" but without Whoopi.--Eds.] Hold onto your hats and seats, because the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences said the Emmy Awards will air live this year, all of it! Emmy Awards, that's Quite Nice. And honey, fire up the DVR, because nothing is better, nothing at all, than watching DVRed live TV award shows. [Maybe you'll record something wacky and unscripted.--Eds.] Alexander Payne's next film will be a family drama set in Hawaii called The Descendants. Alexander, Go Take a Nap! Your next project should be an historical docudrama about Tom "Pickhandle" Dennison and early 1900s Omaha. [It's always hard to get people to read historical docudrama screenplays.--Eds.] And Simon Cowell will get his hate on for another three seasons of American Idol. Simon, Go Take a Nap! And if you're going to be on the tevee can you at least wear a goddamned suit once in awhile? [Or maybe just go away for awhile?--Eds.] |
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August 10, 2009—The television will be watched. Now Mark Lester, who played Oliver Twist in 1968 in Oliver! and is godfather to Paris Jackson, said that "I gave Michael my sperm so that he could have kids." Mark, that's Quite Nice. When one man gives another man his own sperm, it is truly a beautiful, God-approved affair. [We're keeping our sperm to ourselves.--Eds.] Back in 1988 in East Germany, the Stasi were fooled by a Michael Jackson stunt double who was there to test fan reactions. Stasi, Go Take a Nap! You were one of the most feared secret police forces in history, and you got fooled by a stunt double? Stasi ought to be made of sterner stuff. [We ambushed them with a cup of coffee.--Eds.] And David Byrne turned London's Roundhouse, a railway engine shed, into a mechanical musical instrument that makes "clangs, hums, and whistles." David, that's Just Nice. But I much prefer my railway engine sheds to make tings, pongs, and jangles. [What about dings, dongs, and dongers?--Eds.] |
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August 3, 2009—Enjoy the heat. The Dalai Lama said that journalists should have "long noses like elephants" to smell in both front and behind. Dalai Lama, Go Take a Nap! I don't want to hear about your freaky pachydermaphilia! Just sniff stuff normally with a normal-length nose, please. [We like to sniff in front and behind.--Eds.] Joan Rivers got a dig in on Jay Leno. She said she thought it was great he's going to be on earlier so people can get bored earlier and fall asleep earlier. Joan, Go Take a Nap! I would much rather fall asleep than catch you do much of anything. [Including watching her sniff in front and behind?--Eds.] The East German Stasi were fearful of a 1988 Michael Jackson concert in West Berlin, thinking that East German youth were going to stage a confrontation with East German police. East German Stasi, Go Take a Nap! Those kids were just going to the East German zombie dance! You don't need to worry about that. [Unless they're real zombies.--Eds.] And Bob Barker wants the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians to stop using bear pits. Bob, Go Take a Nap! If we don't have bear pits, how can we safely watch bears from a distance? [Bear cages?--Eds.] |
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July 27, 2009—Find fate in a pleasant mood. Some of Michael Jackson's neighbors have formed Never!, a group set against turning Neverland Ranch into a tourist attraction. Michael Jackson's neighbors, Go Take a Nap! Are you seriously against this? Do you have any idea how much more valuable your property will become when people want to park in your yard for the day? You can get, like, $20 per car! [Maybe $25?--Eds.] A Chicago company is planning to make diamonds from some of Michael Jackson's burnt hair from the filming of that infamous Pepsi mersh. Chicago company, that's Just Nice. It begs the question, of course: what can you do with some of my burnt butt hairs? [Make an emerald?--Eds.] Ryan O'Neal says he sees Farrah Fawcett everyday. Ryan, that's Quite Nice. And also creepy. [Weird, even.--Eds.] |
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July 20, 2009—We like to gamble, but winning feels better. Joe Jackson said his son Michael wasn't ready for the 50 concerts scheduled this year. Joe, Go Take a Nap! He was ready! He just happened to die before the concerts! [He probably needed to practice a little.--Eds.] Michael Jackson was negotiating the purchase of a set of pictures of nude celebrities before he died, and was contemplating opening a nudeseum. The pictures were largely from the 20s, 30s, and 40s, and the price was going to be in the eight-figure range. Jacko, Go Take a Nap! Nudeseums are scandalous! And you can't have a nudeseum next to a petting zoo, anyway. [Not true. Not true.--Eds.] Shaquille O'Neal saw some Shaolin kung fu in person in Beijing, and now he says he wants to bring back that kind of kung fu to his NBA playing. Shaq(-fu), Go Take a Nap! You can't beat up a bunch of people in the NBA just because you think you learned kung fu. That's just not nice. [Shaq attack!--Eds.] Steven Spielberg and George Lucas were Hollywood's top earners in 2008, mostly because of the cinematic abortion, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Alien Wicked Cool Skullz. Steven and George, Go Take a Nap! If you're going to make a ton of money on movies that suck, at least throw in some zombies or tits. [Or both, but not zombie tits.--Eds.] |
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July 13, 2009—Spend an appropriate amount of time in the bathroom. Michael Jackson reportedly had plenty of needle marks and collapsed veins, likely the result of frequent injections of Diprivan. Jacko, Go Take a Nap! Drugs are a dead end! [No doubt.--Eds.] Daniel Radcliffe said he didn't think girls liked him that much. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! Of course girls like you. They want to see you use your magic wand. [We have a vibrating broomstick around here somewhere.--Eds.] And Brooke Shields said she liked Michael Jackson because he became more and more asexual with her. Brooke, that's just nice. It's probably the same reason why all those children liked him so much, too. [He was good with kids.--Eds.] |
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July 6, 2009—America made it another year! Michael Jackson apparently has left behind some serious questions about some of his animals, some allegedly at unknown locations, others depending upon donations and the kindness of strangers to keep them safe and fed. Jacko, Go Take a Nap! How could you forget to buy enough life insurance for Bubbles? Or you could've at least set him up with a sweet recording gig before you died. [Or at least some type of monkey movie trilogy with Clint Eastwood?--Eds.] And Jacko was also apparently using Diprivan, an intravenous surgical anesthetic to help him sleep and would often have simple cosmetic procedures done under general anesthetic, even when it was completely unnecessary. Jacko, Go Take (Another) Nap! [He would've if he could've.--Eds.] If you can't sleep, you shouldn't go have cosmetic procedures just to get general anesthetic! Just pop a few melatonin pills and count giraffes! [Or Bubbleses?--Eds.] |
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June 29, 2009—Poetry is like farts; you only like your own. Barbra Streisand collaborated with Diana Krall for a new albumen, and maybe it's jazz, even. Barbra and Diana, Go Take a Nap! I don't want to hear either or you sing shit unless you channel some great singer's ghost and shove it into your vocal chords and make it sing real nice now. [That was a bit much.--Eds.] Fellow blogggggger Parez Hilltown was punch-ed by a Black Eyed Peas manager. Parez, Go Take a Nap! If you get hit drunk, just make sure you have your shoes off, and then nobody can draw on your face with magic marker. [We're not sure that's the official rule.--Eds.] Ryan O'Neal said he planned to marry Farrah Fawcett before she died from butt cancer. But then again, maybe not. [Butt cancer jokes always work well.--Eds.] Ludacris has his own cognac now. Ludacris, that's Just Nice. I can't wait to dump out my gin and juice and take up the newest thing. [It's not a competition.--Eds.] And Jonathan Rhys Meyers was arrested at a Paris airport for drunkenly punching a waiter. Jonathan, Go Take a Nap! You don't punch waiters! They bring the booze! [Right.--Eds.] |
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June 22, 2009—Fifth verse, similar to the fourth. Cher said that she has struggled to understand her quondam-daughter-now-son's decision to have a sex change, but supports him. Cher, that's Quite Nice. We should support our children through difficult times and especially when there's a chance of bringing more penises into the world. [And soon he can marry his female partner, which brings more marriage into the world.--Eds.] Paul McCartney is pushing Meat Free Mondays in an effort to combat climate change. Paul, Go Take a Nap! If you want to curb global emissions, you need to start pimping Bean Free Mondays. [And Cheap Beer Free Tuesdays.--Eds.] And Michael Bay was upset at Paramount Pictures for not creating a proper marketing buzz about the new Transformers movie, Transformers 2: Witwicky Boogaloo. Michael, Go Take a Nap! I've heard plenty of buzz about your new film. I've heard it's a swarm of hot stinky poo. [Buzz-buzz-buzz.--Eds.] |
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June 15, 2009—Are you ready for the new fiscal year? Christopher Lee and Nick Faldo will be beknighted by the Queen of England. Christopher and Nick, that's Just Nice. But you know that you have to run around and raise armies and defend the crown on horseback now, right? [Sir Darth Tyrannus sounds pretty cool.--Eds.] {Sir Saruman ain't bad, either.--Jack Jackson} Christopher Lloyd said he's going to rebuild his Southern California home, the one what burnt down in a wildfire last fall. Christopher, that's Just Nice. We'd hate to see you living in a burnt-up old home in your golden years. [Maybe Jimmy Carter will help.--Eds.] Jamie Foxx said he was booed when he first tried standup comedy at the Apollo. Oh, Really? I would never have guessed. [It's okay, Jamie.--Eds.] And Adam Lambert is gay. Adam, Go Take a Nap! We were so hoping you were straight so we could see sex tapes of you with Susan Boyle. [We think we'd pass on that one.--Eds.] |
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June 8, 2009—June showers bring June mud. Nancy Reagan says that she can still see and talk to Ronald Reagan, at night, by herself, when she wakes up. Nancy, that's Quite Nice. But is Bonzo there? What does Bonzo like to talk about at night? [Bananas.--Eds.] Wal-Mart and Miley Cyrus are teaming up to offer a new line of "budget-friendly" clothing. Wal-Mart and Miley, Go Take a Nap! Now we'll have to come up with a word for "budget-friendly designer clothing." [How about "shinola"?--Eds.] Bill Gates said he thought billionaires should share their wealth. Oh, Really? Because I thought the idea was to hoard all the wealth into big piles until you had it all and then you could afford to pay people to erotically asphyxiate you without the fear of accidental death. [No, you pile all the wealth and then you get to smoke cigars and wear spats and monocles.--Eds.] Although it is unclear what exactly happened to David Carradine this last week, my condolences to the family, who now have to deal with a very embarrassing picture of David, dead with some string tied around his . . . um . . . twig and berries. Remember, Don't Film Your Sex! And don't die with string around your twig and berries if someone is going to stop by for a few pictures. [We don't ever want to see his twig and berries.--Eds.] And Kevin Bacon advised Chace Crawford that he'd need to wear some really tight jeans for the remake of Footloose. Kevin, that's Just Nice. But how do you know the remake won't be updating with the baggy look? [Will he need to wear really loose feet?--Eds.] |
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June 1, 2009—Less beer, fewer sharts. The image of Bob Hope appears posthumously on a new 44¢ stamp. Bob, that's Just Nice. What better way to honor a great comedic genius than to be one of the first images associated with a postage rate hike? [It's such a shame he couldn't be alive to see it himself. It really does look quite a bit like him--Eds.] Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas will host an auction for some of Elvis Presley's prescription pill bottles in late June. Planet Hollywood, Go Take a Nap! You're romanticizing drug addiction! That's so way unhip. [Elvis, however, was very hip. He was all hip.--Eds.] Takeru Kobayashi beat Joey Chestnut in a P'zone eating contest, by eating 5-3/4 P'zones to Chestnut's paltry 5-1/2 P'zones in six minutes. Takeru and Joey, Go Take a Crap! A big P'zone crap. All over! And start having competitions eating stuff that's actually good for you, like Cadbury Creme Eggs or something. [Sour Patch Kids?--Eds.] |
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May 25, 2009—I'm better at biding time than you. American Apparel settled with Woody Allen for $5Million for using his image in billboard ads without his permission. American Apparel, Go Take a Nap! $5Million for that mug? I wouldn't give two bananas. [We'd sell our likeness for cheap.--Eds.] Elizabeth Taylor is allegedly sending tweets from her hospital bed. Elizabeth, that's Just Nice. But you better take it easy and not over-tweet. You might get tweet-finger. [Or the tweet flu?--Eds.] |
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May 18, 2009—I'm better at biding time than you. London mayor Boris Johnson was upset by a Madame Tussauds waxwork model of him which looked fat. Boris, Go Take a Nap! It's okay if your waxwork model is fat! Just light a candle near its butt and the extra fat around its core will practically melt away! [Just pray the waxwork doth not fart.--Eds.] Oprah apparently caused some super-big stink with KFC and the grilled chicken. She offered some kind of free online coupon and then everyone in America went batshitnutz, trampling each other, peeing on each other's graves, throwing puu-puu platters at mosques. Oprah, Go Take a Nap! You know your audience doesn't need free grilled chicken! They need your undying love. [And reaffirmations of such.--Eds.] Jimmy Fallon finally earned his bachelor's degree from St. Rose in communications. Jimmy, that's Just Nice. With that big B.A. in communications, now you can understand that when I say to you that your show is by far the opposite of the bee's knees, you know I'm really saying that your show is far from the cat's meow. [Is it nowhere near the captain's preference?--Eds.] In a here-we-go-passing-the-torch-again gesture, Jay Leno will have Conan O'Brien as his final Tonight Show guest. Jay, that's Quite Nice. I can't wait to hear what you two have to talk about. [We hope the Masturbating Bear will show up, too.--Eds.] And a group of William and Mary students broke the previous Thriller zombie dance person world record of 147 with 242. That's exactly 95 more dancing zombies than the previous record. William and Mary students, Go Take a Nap! When you break world records, you need to break them strong. I'm looking to you for about 597 zombies next time. [We would gladly help.--Eds.] |
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May 4, 2009—Everything new is old again. Not much happened last week, but one item of note: The Edge has drawn up some plans for a cluster of five eco-friendly, 10,000 sq. ft. Malibu mansions, and he's riled up the residents of Malibu. The Edge, Go Take a Nap! Why not have ten eco-friendly, 5,000 sq. ft. Malibu mansions? [We'd live in a 2,500 sq. ft. Malibu mansion.--Eds.] |
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April 27, 2009—Paradigm shifts sometime skip a gear. Barbara Streisand claims she can now relax now that Obama is president. She trusts the Obama administration to do the right thing. Barbara, Go Take a Nap! You sound just like Britney Spears lovin' on W. [We should always trust the government in everything it does.--Eds.] Arnold Schwarzenegger avers that he might be, or at least his image might be, in the new Terminator movie. Arnold, Go Take a Nap! Don't you know whether you'll be, or whether your image will be, in the next movie? What kind of governor are you? [Our images might be in the next Rambo movie.--Eds.] A Japanese boy band star, Tsuyoshi Kusanagi, was caught drunk and naked in a park in Tokyo. Tsuyoshi, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you get drunk and naked in the comfort of your own home! [Or maybe napatorium?--Eds.] |
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April 20, 2009—You don't always have to drink everything. Phil Spector was convicted of second-degree murder. Phil, Go Take a Nap! How will we get any more of your walls of sound when you're in prison? [Maybe we'll get four walls of sound?--Eds.] NBC got Rod Blagojevich to sign onto I'm a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here. Rod, that's Just Nice. I'm assuming the "here" NBC is referring to is prison? [Then it would be like Prison Break?--Eds.] In the Who's Dorkiest Contest, Ashton Kutcher beat out CNN in getting the most people to sign up for his twits. Or tweets. Or twatters. Whatevers. [Twitter is something old people think young people do.--Eds.] And Jackie Chan said that the Chinese people need to be controlled, specifically mentioning the use of state censorship. Jackie, Go Take a Nap! The Chinese people should be free to do whatever they want, whenever they want, like eating chow mein one day, and lo mein the next. [Plum chicken one day and lemon chicken the next?--Eds.] |
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April 13, 2009—It's easy to get more work done when you're not doing your job. Nicolas Cage had to sell his 28-room Neidstein castle due to the global recession. Nicolas, Go Take a Nap! In these times, we need leaders like you to show us we can hold on to what is important. As a matter of fact, I'm keeping my 29-room Rammstein castle just to show people that the economic times really aren't as hard as people think they're. [We have a 30-room Sonnenstein castle that we simply couldn't bear to part with.--Eds.] {You mean you have a 30-room Sonnenstein castle with which you could not bear to part?--Jack Jackson} Miley Cyrus wants you to know that she's smarter than you think. Miley, that's Just Nice. I want you to think that, too. I mean, I want you (Miley) to think that I (Jack Jackson) am smarter than you (Miley) think I (Jack Jackson) am. [And we wish you a Merry Christmas.--Eds.] Liam Neeson will play Zeus in a remake of Clash of the Titans. Liam, Go Take a Nap! You know that role belongs to none other than Sir Lawrence Olivier! How dare you try to steal his, um, thunder. [We want Geechy Guy to play Hades.--Eds.] And Billy Bob Thornton's band, the Boxmasters, canceled their Canadian tour. Honey, fire down the RV! We have no reason to own one anymore! [Sadness falls, sadness falls.--Eds.] |
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April 6, 2009—Sometimes the keyboard is mightier than the flamethrower. Occasionally, something happens in your life that makes you realize just how precious and tender and fleeting and maudlin and ephemeral and quotidian and passing. And I can't deny that I wasn't hit hard this week, hard like when Obi-Wan got hit hard when he felt that planet Alderaan get blowed-up real-good by the Death Star. Or when Johnny Depp saw that gray hair in his head in that shiteous re-machination of Willy Wonka. It was the CBS cancellation of Guiding Light. I must admit that I was not a regular viewer. But I know that some good things have come out of it cultural-wise, like the Spaulding family. I know that things got weird for awhile, but I know that I can always count on someone good having someone bad as a twin. And I know there will always be something awesome to watch before my beautiful black Oprah comes on the tevee. CBS: memo: just keep it real. No more colons. Just keep . . . it . . . real. I want my naptime, my siesta, I want it all drama-like. I want dreams and visions and it all. [We remember when the Grand Prize Game Grand Prize was only $50.--Eds.] |
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March 30, 2009—It could be spring fever, or it could just be your allergies. David Letterman quietly married his longtime girlfriend, Regina Lasko. David, that's Quite Nice. Now you two can finally sleep in the same bed together. [And do yoga in the kitchen.--Eds.] Zac Efron has backed out of remaking Footloose. Zac, Go Take a Nap! How can this new generation of the American Going Public appreciate the wonderful sounds of Kenny Loggins if they don't get an updated version of that great story of dancing, love, and loose feet? [He's turned to serious acting.--Eds.] Sean Penn will play Larry Howard in a Farrelly Brothers version of The Three Stooges. Farrelly Brothers, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows that Larry Howard has just got to be played by Yahoo Serious for the movie to have any street cred whatsoever. [What's Geechy Guy up to?--Eds.] And Diego Maradona allegedly still owes the Italian government over €37Million in back taxes and interest. Diego, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many tacos that is that the Italian people could be eating right now if you just did your civic duty and paid your taxes? [Depending upon the exchange rate, that could be, like, two gabillion American tacos.--Eds.] {And about seven gabillion Mexican tacos.--Jack Jackson} |
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March 23, 2009—Life is what happens when your plans fall apart. Bob Dylan apparently is causing a stink in his L.A. neighborhood by keeping an outdoor portable toilet for his guards, which generates a puu-puu odor and the neighbors are all mad and shit. Bob, Go Take a Nap! Let the guards inside and crap inside! Or buy some Glade for that outdoor turlet! [Maybe jasmine?--Eds.] Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are engaged after dating 7-1/2 years. Harrison and Calista, that's Quite Nice. Just think, after you get married, you two can finally sleep in the same bed together. [And pet kittens.--Eds.] Prince William said he grew up wanting to be a policeman. Willy, Go Take a Nap! You're a prince! You should grow up wanting to be a king! [We wanted to be firemen.--Eds.] |
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March 16, 2009—Sometimes you can't run or hide. Drew Barrymore said she's being considered to direct the third Twilight movie, Eclipse. Drew, Go Take a Nap! How the fuck can you be thinking about directing a third movie in a series that hasn't even made its second yet? That's like Sylvester Stallone getting excited about directing Rocky III just after Rocky came out. [Or Rambo III just after First Blood?--Eds.] Lance Bass said he's good at being match-maker with his friends, but not with himself. Lance, that's Just Nice. But I'm guessing you can find a lot of matches at any gay bar you go to. Just show up, drop your pants, and say "This shit ain't suckin' itself." [We're not sure that's how it works.--Eds.] Cat Cora and her lesbian lover are pregnant, each with each other's eggs. Cat, that's Quite Nice. But your buginas must be really sore from all of the scissor grinding you did to get each other's eggs into each other's buginas. [We're not sure that's how it works.--Eds.] And California prosecutors alleged that Anna Nicole Smith was illegally pumped full of prescription drugs by Howard K. Stern and her doctors for two years before her death. Oh, Really? Because I thought she was just a little, um, off her game those two years. [She's in heaven now.--Eds.] |
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March 9, 2009—There are few things so stupid and childish as Daylight Savings Time. Coolio was arrested at LAX for possession of crack cocaine. Coolio, Go Take a Nap! Let's say it all together, now: everyone knows you do your drugs before you go to the airport, and then you buy some more when you land. [We're not sure that's the right message to send.--Eds.] It's apparently official. Thanks to much soul-searching Disney has announced that there will, in fact, be a High School Musical 4. Oh, Really? Because I thought you'd let the whole franchise die off when, you know, they all graduated from high school. [They can put all those kids into a shrink ray and make them smaller again and re-film it forever.--Eds.] |
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March 2, 2009—It's not my fault you eat too much. Steven Page has left the Barenaked Ladies to pursue solo projects. Steven, Go Take a Nap! You can't quit now! What will we do if we never get to hear the follow-up to If I Had $1,000,000? [If we had $1,000,000, we would quit this lame-ass job.--Eds.] Tyler Perry claims he'd like to see his Medea character die a slow death in his/her next film. Tyler, Go Take a Nap! Are you crazy? That Medea character has made you so much money that killing her off is like, financial suicide! At least let me make a Medea movie or two before you kill her off! [We would make a Medea movie if it meant we could quit this job.--Eds.] Duke Ellington will appear on the quarter. Duke, that's Really Quite Nice. I can imagine millions of New Yorkers paying for the A Train with your new quarters. But the real question is when will Biz Markie appear on the dime? [Or Yahoo Serious on the Australian half-penny?-Eds.] Arnold Schwarzenegger will play himself as California governor in a Sylvester Stallone movie called The Expendables. Arnold, that's Quite Nice. This looks like a good way to reclaim your acting chops, and possibly blow up some of those boxes of bureaucracy. [He should just move those boxes around instead of blowing them up.--Eds.] The New York Post cut gossip columnist Liz Smith. New York Post, Go Take a Nap! Just because the economy is bad doesn't mean you fire the gossip columnists! What will we do for money? [This job pays?--Eds.] And Salman Rushdie said that the plot of Slumdog Millionaire "beggars belief." Salman, Go Take a Nap! I must have missed that day in film school when they taught us that all movie plots had to be completely realistic and possible. [Starship Troopers is based on proven science fact.--Eds.] |
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February 23, 2009—Just give me my Oscar now. Patter-writer Bruce Vilanch said this year's Oscars would be a bit different because it wouldn't be hosted by a stand-up comedian. Bruce, Go Take a Nap! Are you telling me that Hugh Jackman is not a stand-up comedian? Because he kills! [Maybe you should try writing a joke.--Eds.] Hugh Jackman promised an Oscars filled with nudity and song. Hugh, Go Take a Nap! My penis can't take that kind of stimulation! I mean, I tried to get whiskey dick and all that nudity and song just made me try to do the impossible! [Hope springs eternal.--Eds.] And Lindsay Lohan is going to buy Samantha Ronson a new bed. Lindsay, that's Quite Nice. I'm assuming Oprah told you her old mattress was old and she needed a new one. That's cool. It's good for the velocity of the dollar, which is good for the economy. [We're good for the economy.--Eds.] |
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February 16, 2009—Everything old is new again. The Dalai Lama does some shit on Twitter now. I guess he twits shit? Or does he twitter shit? Does he have a Friendster page? [We had a Friendster page.--Eds.] Angelina Jolie made some Thailand people upset with her comments about abuse and boat people and whatnot. Angelina, Go Take a Nap! You ought to know that those peeps are sens-a-tive! [We is go-onna Twitter dat shit.--Eds.] Peter Gabriel rejected a chance to perform his WALL-E Oscar-nominated song during the Oscars telecast because Tha Man was only go-onna give him 1:20 to perform his shit. Oscars telecast, Go Take a Nap! You have got to give the man at least 1:30 or so to effectively communicate his feelings! [Randy Newman always got a better shake.--Eds.] And Hugh Jackman says as host of the Oscars that he wants something more intimate. Hugh, Go Take a Nap! I don't want an intimate Oscars! I want a puke-filled bed of Oscars! [We know. We know.--Eds.] |
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February 9, 2009—How will you celebrate Lincoln's birthday? Ricky Gervais said he was concerned about Paris Hilton moving to North London as if though it were some type of exchange for Posh Spice moving to Los Angeles. He then proposed a clandestine exchange in New York during a fake paparazzi gathering. Ricky, Go Take a Nap! Do you really think one Posh is worth one Paris? No, no, no. If we take Paris back, you have to take Posh and at least Craig Ferguson. And promise to keep Rowan Atkinson away, too. [We'd like Peter Sellers back.--Eds.] Subway is planning to stick with Michael Phelps as a spokesman, even though he got caught smoking the marihuaha. Subway, Go Take a Nap! How magnanimous of you. After all, isn't it a bit self-serving to be okay with someone who smokes the marihuana because it gives them the munchies? And then they want to eat sandwiches? [And the freshly baked cookies?--Eds.] |
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February 2, 2009—Get ready to celebrate Lincoln's birthday. Rod Blagojevich said that he was seriously considering nominating Oprah Winfrey to take Barack Obama's senate seat. Blagojevich, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea just how much power Oprah would have if she were also a senator? She already has complete mind control over every middle- and middle-upper-class white woman in this country, and you wanted to give her even more power? I tell you, people with that much power tend to get corrupted, Blagojevich, and it's just not good for this country. [Well played.--Eds.] Michael Jackson is going to develop the story of the 14-minute Thriller video into a full-blown music theater production. Michael, that's Quite Nice. I, for one, cannot wait to see a bunch of economically struggling dancers get on stage and do the zombie dance for, oh, hours on end. [We hope they can get Vincent Price back.--Eds.] Bruce Springsteen said that it was a mistake to have Wal-Mart exclusively sell his new CD. Bruce, Go Take a Nap! Do you really think it matters who does or does not sell your latest sonic abortion upon the masses? [That's a little harsh.--Eds.] And Michael Phelps apologized for getting caught smoking the marihuana in a photo in News of the World, calling it a youthful mistake. Michael, Go Take a Nap! Just once, just once, I'd like to hear someone say they smoke the marihuana because they like it and not apologize after getting caught. [We seem to remember Ricky Williams saying something to that effect, but no matter how you look at it, drugs are a dead end.--Eds.] |
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January 26, 2009—Like two monkeys fucking a football. The FBI released information that it never really kept tabs on George Carlin during his radical 70s years. FBI, Go Take a Nap! You should've been all over that dude and surveilled his ass back to the Eisenhower Era. It was the free thinking and pushing of envelopes back then that got us into this economic mess today. [Seems like there are some logic leaps in that last sentence.--Eds.] James Earl Jones said that acting is fun. James, that's Quite Nice. Something else that is fun is acting and getting paid tons and tons of money. [All you care about is money.--Eds.] Michelle Obama doesn't like the Beanie Baby dolls made of her daughters, Sweet Sasha and Marvelous Malia. Michelle, Go Take a Nap! You've got to enjoy this sweet, sweet ride of fame while it lasts, and especially so for your daughters. In ten years, they'll be able to look back on the whole doll experience with great pride and joy. [And mirth and merriment.--Eds.] And Kanye West made it clear in his blog that he is not, way not interested in doing bisexual pornography. Kanye, Go Take a Nap! In these economic times, everyone should be willing to go outside their comfort zones and help out in any way possible. [We would to porn for cash, just to end the monotony of working on this column.--Eds.] |
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January 19, 2009—Inaugurate me, Amadeus. Hayden Panetierre, 19, was kicked out of a nightclub in Suffern, N.Y. for not being old enough, and then she called the police to get her confiscated driver's license back. Hayden, Go Take a Nap! You don't need to drink at 19. That's too young. When you turn 21, you can have all the booze you want, and you can go to any bar you want, and it will be totally so worth the wait. [And you can have a beer while sitting on a toilet, too.--Eds.] Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz will be on CSI: New York. Pete and Ashlee, that's Just Nice. It would be way cool if you could get on the other CSI shows, too, but make sure you let me know so I can set the tape machine. [You probably mean DVR.--Eds.] {No, I mean tape machine.--Jack Jackson} And Tom Cruise said he when he was growing up, he wanted to kill Hitler. Tom, that's Quite Nice. But you can't kill someone who, like, totally died before you were born, unless you had a time machine, and a suitcase bomb. [Or a wand that could kill?--Eds.] |
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January 12, 2009—Settling into the new year, one day at a time. Bono will start writing an Op-Ed column for the New York Times "occasionally." Bono, Go Take a Nap! You can't just write about shit when you feel like it. You have to write every goddamned week forever and ever and ever until you get that big break and then get syndicated just like Dave Barry or Larry King and you make the big bucks and then you can afford to do the good drugs and eat at all the hip places and be seen in awesome new outfits and . . . er. [We actually don't care about what Bono has to say about anything.--Eds.] Prince Harry apologised for his racial insensitivity for calling some dudes a Paki and a raghead. Harry, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows the proper nomenclature is towelhead. And since when was it all that bad to go around wearing a towel on your head? [We wear towels on our heads whenever we get out of the shower.--Eds.] And Barack Obama is thinking about nominating Dr. Sanjay Gupta to the illustrious post of Surgeon General. Barack Obama, Go Take a Nap! Did you just allasudden forget about Dr. Peter Gott? That dude is so totally on all the time! And he would totally kick ass as Surgeon General. [Does not Dr. Sanguinary want a posthumous nomination?--Eds.] |
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January 5, 2009—May your Gregorian Calendar new year be prosperous. Cloris Leachman, 82, was the grand marshal at the Rose Bowl Parade. Cloris, that's Quite Nice. I can only imagine that after your career was reborn with Dancing with the Stars that being offered the chance to grand marshal a parade was like the icing on the cake. Here's to a new year of many more wonderful career successes! [We want to be invited to a roast of Jack Jackson.--Eds.] Merle Haggard, 71, says he beat lung cancer but is having a little trouble beating his daily marihuana habit. Merle, Go Take a Nap! That sticky-icky is gonna make your lungs get cancer again! And at 71, don't you think you should've moved on to harder drugs by now? [We're not sure that's the right message to send.--Eds.] Charles Barkley was arrested for suspicion of DUI and jokingly said to the cops that he was trying to drive around the corner to get a blowjob. Charles, Go Take a Nap! What in the hell good is a whiskey-dick blowjob? You need to be stone-cold sober to truly appreciate oral sex. [Or at least be on cocaine.--Eds.] {I'm not sure that's the right message to send.--Jack Jackson} And Burger King now has its own body spray called BK Flame. According to the marketing plan, the Whopper is America's favorite burger, and BK Flame "captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat." BK Flame, Go Take a Nap! I don't want to smell like even a hint of flame-broiled meat. I already have enough trouble getting around town without a pack of wolves on my ass. And if you think smelling like flame-broiled meat is a good thing, just ask Joan of Arc. [Good one.--Eds.] |