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December 29, 2008—Thank you for the meltdown. [Note: Jack Jackson is away this week. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, who is a budding young gossip columnist.--Eds.] God, this is so stupid. I hate having to write this column. I only need three hundred more tickets on my new Nintendo DS game and then I can open up the fourth world with all the cool secret levels! And I was watching this commercial today that is so fake. This kid goes to Wal-mart with only one gift card and he thinks he's got enough on it for a new DS Lite. There's no way you can get that much on one gift card to get something that expensive. I had to save, like a zillion of those things to get my iPod nano and DS Lite. They said I had to write about famous people doing things and I don't even know what they're talking about. They gave me a list of stuff but I haven't even heard of half these people. Who's Cloris Leachman? Hal Linden? Wayland Flowers and Madame? Those people sound super-old. I guess I could talk about that movie I saw, The Spirit. My parents wouldn't take me because they said it had too much graphic violence. I snuck in after pretending to go see Bolt because I already saw that movie, like, a hundred and fifty times and I know how it ends and everything so I went to The Spirit and it's not even half as violent as Starship Troopers. And it's all cartoony and stuff so it's not like it's even real or anything. Then I stepped over to see the worstest movie I've ever seen. Valkyrie is super boring. There's only, like, a few explosions and then they don't even kill the bad guy. What kind of ending is that? Oh, and I got two more Wii controllers so we can play Mario Kart with four people now and it's okay but it has to shrink the screen down super small and sometimes you forget which one you are and it's confusing but it's still way fun and I've almost unlocked all the tracks and everything. Jonas at school says he, like, unlocked everything on the first day but he always lies and it's not like anyone could even do that even if they were playing it all day long and then all night. And then this awesome thing happened in Halo the other day. I totally blew up all the bad guys all at the same time with this super-awesome gun and I don't even know how I did it but I think I know how to do it again. |
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December 22, 2008—Use the professional blades for the professional problems. At 92, Kirk Douglas is the oldest celebrity blogger on MySpace. Kirk, that's Really Quite Nice. It's good to see older people welcoming new technologies. It reminds me of the first time Dom DeLuise used a microwave to fry a hamburger. [That's not the right way to fry hamburger.--Eds.] Scarlett Johansson put a snot- and lipstick-smeared tissue on eBay (for charity) after blowing into it on the Tonight show with Jay Leno, and as of this posting, had been bid up to $4,050. Scarlett, Go Take a Nap! You have to wash those things per eBay standards! And if you really wanted to make money for charity, you should probably have rubbed the tissue on one of your labia lips. [That seems inappropriate.--Eds.] |
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December 15, 2008—It is a bit nipply out. Stacy Keach said that golfing during the day helps keep him sharp for when he acts onstage at night. Stacy, that's Just Nice. But I've found the opposite is true. Whenever I'm sharp onstage, I totally have a terrible day on the golf course. [We play lawn darts in the morning to stay sharp as editors.--Eds.] The Australian Film Institute gave Heath Ledger a best-actor award for his Joker. Australian Film Institute, that's Quite Nice. I'm sure Heath appreciates it, wherever he is. [We wish he could've stayed alive long enough to see all the praise.--Eds.] Oprah formally announced that she's gained weight and is back up to 200 pounds. Oprah, Go Take a Nap! I don't even want to hear about your weight until you hit 250. [It must be nice to have your own magazine and fill it with articles about yourself.--Eds.] Guillermo del Toro says he doesn't want to make any more films in Mexico because of the trauma he endured when his father was kidnapped there ten years ago. Guillermo, Go Take a Nap! Whatever happened to making sacrifices for your art? [Maybe he could make a film about being afraid of getting kidnapped?--Eds.] And Dom Perignon is making a champagne glass modeled after Claudia Schiffer's breasts. Dom Perignon, Go Take a Nap! We want a champagne glass modeled after Dolly Parton's breasts instead because you get more each pour that way. [We like the way you think.--Eds.] |
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December 8, 2008—Struggling with realizations of grandeur. The ratings for Rosie O'Donnell's show, Rosie Live, were so bad that there is no hope for any future installments. Rosie Live, Go Take a Nap! How can we profit from a DVD box set with only one installment? [Bonus features?--Eds.] The prosecutor on the case for the Jennifer Hudson family murders said her accused brother-in-law did it because of jealousy over his ex-wife dating another man. Jennifer Hudson's brother-in-law, Go Take a Nap! You don't kill three people out of lover's jealousy. If everyone killed three people each time they felt jealous, there wouldn't be many people left on this planet. [But maybe on another planet?--Eds.] Roman Polanski wants his statutory rape charges from the famous 1978 incident dropped, even though he admitted to the crime and had entered a plea agreement before leaving the country. Roman, Go Take a Nap! Your sense of entitlement is embarrassing, even for a partially Frenchman. [We we!--Eds.] And Shia The Beef had to back out of the technology thriller Dark Fields, because his hand is too smashed up and needs more surgery. The Beef, Go Take a Nap! You gotta play through the pain, man. [Give it 110%.--Eds.] |
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December 1, 2008—Even a master of deception is painfully obvious sometimes. Steve Wynn announced that his latest hotel, Encore, will have a restaurant called Sinatra, in honor of Frank Sinatra. Steve, that's Quite Nice. Will Sinatra serve a New York, New York Strip? The High Apple Pie in the Sky? [The I've Got You Under My (Chicken) Skin Platter?--Eds.] George Lopez, Billy Ray Cyrus, and Jackie Chan will team up to make The Spy Next Door, a "spy comedy." George, Billy, and Jackie, Go Take a Nap! That sounds like the worst movie since Boat Trip. What, you couldn't get Carrot Top and Geechy Guy to join in that silver screen pandemonium? [Too bad Buddy Hackett is dead.--Eds.] Paul McCartney says that negotiations to put The Beatles on iTunes failed. Paul, Go Take a Nap ! How in the hell am I going to get your songs now? [Join The Beatles fan club?--Eds.] |
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November 24, 2008—Shit flows downhill. That's why I live uphill. Christopher Lloyd said that after a fire burned down his home in Montecito, he now has a "different awareness." Christopher, that's Just Nice. I also have a different awareness. I am aware that your house looks different now. [Maybe he's also aware that he'll have to live someplace else for awhile?--Eds.] Nana Mouskouri, some supposedly famous Greek star, claims that Bob Dylan and Harry Belafonte don't respond to email that often. Oh, Really? Because those dudes seem like they're pretty well connected and tight with their techno-side. [We don't have time to respond to all the hate mail.--Eds.] Ken Griffey, Jr. is our new public diplomacy envoy. Ken, that's Quite Nice. I'm sure that when you visit Iraq and tell them how to hit a curveball, they will stop hating on our freedoms. [We always had trouble with the slider inside.--Eds.] Britney Spears says she is ready to have more freedom in her life and doesn't want to be controlled so much anymore. Britney, Go Take a Nap! If people left you to your own devices, you'd just eat pizza and watch Spawn all day. [Our jaws hurt.--Eds.] Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz named their new son Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Pete and Ashlee, Go Take a Nap! That poor fucker won't stand a chance on a school playground with a name like that. You should've named him Max Power Wentz. [Brooklyn Mogwai Wentz?--Eds.] |
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November 17, 2008—It is possible to watch too much football on Saturdays. The William Shatner and George Takei pissing contest has decidedly entered a new era, with Shatner calling Takei "mean" on his website or something. Shatner and Takei, Go Take a Nap! Watching you two septuagenarians fight through blog posts is like watching two old people try to have sex with each other. [You show me yours and I'll try to remember where I left mine.--Eds.] Fans of the tevee show Dallas are upset over a reunion of some cast members at Southfork Ranch which went, um, south. Some fans paid up to $1,000 for tickets to the event and did not get to commingle with some of the stars as promised to them. Dallas reunion, Go Take a Nap! If I pay $1,000, I better see all the people you tell me I'm gonna see, and you know this economy is so far gone to shit that I can't afford to come to next year's reunion, let alone the one after that. [Save up for the 2012 reunion?--Eds.] {The Mayan Calendar will have ended by then.--Jack Jackson} Roger Moore says he doesn't like this new, more violent James Bond of Daniel Craig's. Roger, that's Quite Nice. I don't like him either. I liked James Bond way better when he shot exploding cigarettes at people or blew them up with compressed-air bullets. That's the kind of violence I like. [We like sex and ammo.--Eds.] The city of Batman, Turkey is suing Christopher Nolan, director of the recent Batman movies, for a share of profits for using the city's name without permission. Batman, Turkey, Go Take a Nap! That is so, like, the dumbest lawsuit ever. Just change the name of your city to Mister Freeze, and then you'll have something worth suing over. [Would that make it Cold, Turkey?--Eds.] Rupert Murdoch says the digital age is passing by some print newspapers, specifically the editors and journalists. Oh, Really? Because I still look forward everyday to waking up and grabbing the newspaper from my porch so I can read about all the stories I just read online before I went to bed the previous night. [We buy the Sunday paper just for the coupons.--Eds.] Some animal rights activists pelted Lindsay Lohan with flour for wearing a fur stole in Paris. Animal rights activists, Go Take a Nap! Where's the blood? Do you really think you're going to deter anyone from doing anything by throwing flour on them? [A light dusting of flour on our camel coat might look rather smashing.--Eds.] And Rob Lowe called the fires in Southern California "like Armageddon." Rob, Go Take a Nap! Armageddon is not a fire in California. It's a battle that will be fought somewhere in the Middle East. [Maybe they'll use a lot of flamethrowers at Armageddon?--Eds.] |
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November 10, 2008—Nothing brings joy to the ears quite like "bowl eligible." Joaquin Phoenix says that at 34, he's done acting. Joaquin, Go Take a Nap! We need your actings kills! Er. We need your acting skills! You were totally awesome in 8MM. [We liked him best in SpaceCamp.--Eds.] Michael J. Fox says that it's ironic that his latest role is a man paralyzed in a wheelchair. Michael, Go Take a Nap! It's not ironic that you play a paralyzed man in a wheelchair, it's a coincidence. It would be ironic, say if you played a star NBA player. [It would be meta-ironic if he played an actor with Parkinson's Disease.--Eds.] Bianca Jagger does not want to pay the man who turned in her €200,000 ring the €10,000 reward required by Austrian law, because she thinks he held on to it too long. Bianca, that's Just Nice. You just keep making sure that rich people don't have to follow the law, and we'll all be just fine. [We always leave our €200,000 rings in the hotel safe.--Eds.] And Maya Angelou is writing a poem about Barack Obama. Maya, that's Quite Nice. But not a lot rhymes with Barack or Obama, so good luck with that. [Maybe she'll do free verse?--Eds.] |
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November 3, 2008—Hope is what inferior football teams need. Bruce Springsteen wrote a Halloween song called A Night with the Jersey Devil, and made it available to download for free on his website. Bruce, that's Quite Nice. But now you'll increase expectations, and I want a Thanksgiving song about an evening with a New Jersey turkey. [We need to start making sacrifices as a country.--Eds.] Colin Farrell said he's gotten over the fact that his movie Alexander was a box office flop. Colin, that's Just Nice. But I don't think I'll ever get over Alexander. The only way to get over something like that is to make a new Alexander and get it right, maybe a little more sex and violence. [Alexander Redux?--Eds.] Elvis is the world's top-earning dead celebrity. Elvis, Go Take a (Dirt) Nap! This economy is going to shit and you're making money off of us while you're dead? That's not fair. I hope you give it all to charity or something equally nice. [He could add a mausoleum to Graceland.--Eds.] The world's fattest man got married in Mexico, having to be carried to a temporary altar on his bed by crane. World's fattest man, Go Take a Nap! If you need a crane to get you to your wedding, I don't think you should be getting married, because that means it's gonna be really difficult to find your pee-pee under all that fat and what good is getting married if you can't put your pee-pee into your wife's bugina? [Maybe they've figured out a way to express their love without sex?--Eds.] Donnie and Marie will be in Las Vegas for at least another two years, thanks to a contract extension with the Flamingo Showroom. Donnie and Marie, that's Just Nice. Honey, fire up the RV and get the kids, because we're moving to Las Vegas for exactly two more years! [We'll be there, too. We never miss a show.--Eds.] And the lawyers that Samantha Ronson sued for allegedly botching her defamation suit against Perez Hilton called Lindsay Lohan a semi-celebrity in court pleadings. Oh, Really? I think Lindsay is more of a 5/8-celebrity than 1/2-celebrity, but I don't have my slide rule handy to double-check my figures. [Doesn't 9/16 want some part of that?--Eds.] |
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October 27, 2008—Hope is what inferior football teams need. William Shatner is upset that he didn't get invited to George Takei's wedding last month, and but Takei said Shatner was invited. William and George, Go Take a Nap! You two are both in your seventies, and you're pulling this high school shit on each other? What's next, not going to parties if the other is going to be there? Unfriending each other in Facebook? [They're so old, they're probably still using Friendster.--Eds.] An assistant to Lil Wayne says he occasionally saw marihuana and a gun on the tour bus. Oh, Really? Because I thought rappers kept drug free and had no need for weapons. [Maybe the gun was just for shooting snakes and such?--Eds.] Zac Efron says that he was a goofball in high school and wasn't into sports, and wasn't a jock, nor was he a nerd. Zac, Go Take a Nap! If you weren't a jock or a nerd, what were you? [A goofball?--Eds.] |
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October 20, 2008—Don't forget to vote. And remember, your vote only counts if you vote for the winner. Maureen McCormick, only known as Marcia Brady, has a new autobiography out where she cops to being addicted to cocaine, Quaaludes, and mushrooms. Marcia--er--Maureen, Go Take a Nap! First, all movie and tevee stars are presumed to be addicted to cocaine until proven otherwise. And second, who in the hell gets addicted to mushrooms? [We prefer morels and criminis.--Eds.] Ringo Starr says he doesn't want any more fan mail because he doesn't have any time to read it, let alone respond to it. Ringo, Go Take a Nap! Stop pretending you still get fan mail. [We don't have time to respond to all the hate mail.--Eds.] Prince William and Prince Harry raced motorcycles in South Africa to raise money for charity. Prince William and Prince Harry, that's Really Quite Nice. Everyone should race motorcycles to raise money for charity. I don't own one, though. Maybe some charity could donate one to me and also some riding lessons and possibly some extra cash for me to donate. Or maybe not. [Don't forget the sidecar.--Eds.] Pope John Paul II was stabbed in a knife attack in 1982 at the Shrine of Fatima in Portugal, and the story was kept secret until now. Pope John Paul II, Go Take a Nap! There's no need to be ashamed that you lost in a knife fight. Just make sure you bring a gun next time. [We're pretty sure he's dead now, though.--Eds.] |
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October 13, 2008—TV isn't getting worse. It's getting . . . better. Harrison Ford strongly suggested that there will, in fact, be a fifth Indiana Jones movie. Harrison, Go Take a Nap! You fought Nazis and Soviets. What's next? Finding Bin Laden in Afghanistan? [Maybe looking for the Golden Nose of Hanoi?--Eds.] David Fowler, a Cambridge historian, said that bands like The Beatles and The Rolling Stones were not revolutionaries, just greedy capitalists trying to make money on the youth of the 60's. Oh, Really? Because I had always heard that Ringo gave all his money away to the International Workers of the World. [He kept a little bit of money so he could build his yellow submarine in the octopus' garden.--Eds.] Angelina Jolie can be seen breastfeeding on the cover of W magazine. Angelina, that's Quite Nice. And for an encore, we'd like you to fart on a cake. [And pet kittens.--Eds.] And Stephen Colbert said that it is fun to play a jerk on the tevee. Stephen, that's Just Nice. But how much fun do you think you'd have if you played a jerkface on the tevee? [Or jerkhead?--Eds.] |
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October 6, 2008—They're not the loveable losers. They're just losers. Bruce Springsteen will play the Superbowl XLIII halftime show. Bruce, that's Just Nice. But I think I will be watching Puppy Bowl V instead, because of that totally sweet cat dance they do at halftime. [We just ordered Puppy Bowl IV on DVD and it should be here sometime this week.--Eds.] Clint Eastwood said he actually isn't giving up on acting, even though he suggested a few years ago that he was done. Clint, Go Take a Nap! What's it gonna be? Are you gonna act or are you not gonna act? I've got the perfect screenplay for you to play lead role. It's called Old Hollywood Superstar Can't Make Up His Mind About Whether He Still Wants to Act. [Good one.--Eds.] And Morley Safer created a piece of art to commemorate the 40th anniversary of 60 Minutes. Morley, that's Just Nice. And I just made a piece of art commemorating your piece of art, except I think someone just flushed it. [Nice poop joke.--Eds.] |
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September 29, 2008—Give credit where credit can be paid back. Robert Wagner revealed that he had an affair with Barbara Stanwyck when he was 22 and she was 45. He also revealed that he contemplated suicide and murdering Warren Beatty after he stole Natalie Wood from him. Robert, Go Take a Nap! Why did you wait so long to tell all of this? This would've made a great made-for-TV movie, especially that part about you killing Warren Beatty. Just think, Ishtar could've been prevented! [And Bulworth.--Eds.] Tony Blair is now lecturing on religion at Yale. Tony, that's Just Nice. Lead by example, and maybe your buddy W. will teach folksiness at Oxford. [Maybe Putin could teach drinking at Gloucester?--Eds.] George Michael got arrested again at a public restroom for possession of drugs, namely marihuana and crack. [Our generation called it grass.--Eds.] George, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you do your drugs at home and then go to public restrooms! [We're not sure that's the right message to send.--Eds.] Clay Aiken is gay. Oh, Really? I thought he was just a little femmy. [You can be femmy and straight. Ask Kevin Spacey.--Eds.] And Nicole Kidman said that swimming in the Australian Outback waterfalls got her pregnant, as well as six other women who swam there. Nicole, that's Just Nice. Do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger swam there before he filmed Junior? [Or Twins?--Eds.] |
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September 22, 2008—Start a new business, run it into the ground, and then have your rich uncle bail you out. R. Kelly said he doesn't like "anyone illegal." R. Kelly, that's Just Nice. It good that you don't like anyone illegal, and I'm sure you don't like to pee on anyone illegal, or even hang out with anyone illegal. [Everyone should be legal all the time.--Eds.] Heather Mills will donate $1Million worth of vegan food to the poor in the Bronx. Heather, that's Just Nice. I'm sure all the kids will remember the day their hunger ended thanks to the grace of soy not dogs. [We're getting hungry just thinking about all that soy product.--Eds.] A doctor said that if David Blaine hangs upside-down in Central Park for 60 hours, he might put too much blood pressure on his eyes and go blind. Doctor, Go Take a Nap! We want to see David hang upside-down for 60 hours. And it better be in 1080i! [Maybe he's like the bat-man.--Eds.] |
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September 15, 2008—Don't give in to peer pressure. Just be sure you fit in so you can get a good job. So now maybe Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz may not be having twins after all. Pete and Ashlee, Go Take a Nap! What in the hell are you having? It better be really cool. I was making some twosies. [Maybe it's triplets!--Eds.] And The Wiggles are now Australia's richest, ahem, entertainers. The Wiggles, Go Take a Nap! You call that crap you sing music? It's childish and repetitive! [We prefer the musical stylings of Boobah.--Eds.] |
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September 8, 2008—Ah, the smell of fall, if I could only smell it. David Duchovny has entered treatment for sex addiction. David, that's Just Nice. Admitting you really like sex is the first step in a long, drawn-out battle that will end with you admitting that you still, really like sex. [He needs to stay away from enablers.--Eds.] In semi-related news, Stephen Colbert's DNA will be digitized and shot into space to the International Space Station. Stephen, that's Quite Nice. But apparently shooting your DNA into space isn't that special of an event. Just ask David Duchovny. [He could get space herpes.--Eds.] Authorities in Salzburg found Bianca Jagger's $290,000 ring which she lost there during a music festival. Bianca, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows not to wear their $290,000 rings to Salzburg's music festivals. They are always getting lost and causing the authorities trouble. [We never wear our $290,000 rings out in public.--Eds.] The new Microsoft ads featuring Jerry Seinfeld are getting panned by viewers. Oh, Really? I thought it was a good idea but I guess sometimes good ideas suffer from poor execution. [Like the last episode of Seinfeld?--Eds.] And Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz are expecting twins. Pete and Ashlee, that's Just Nice. I'm sure the twins will grow up to be very talented musicians and singers someday. [Maybe they will have psychic powers, too.--Eds.] |
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August 25, 2008—Mermaids are NOT real. Mark David Chapman, John Lennon's killer, said to his parole board that he now has "a deeper understanding of what a human life is" and that he has "changed a lot." Mark, Go Take a Nap! You killed John Lennon because you wanted to be famous. And now you kind of are. I mean, they made a movie about you, and when you go in front of your parole board, the Associated Press writes about it. You just stay in jail and enjoy yourself. [We do not want to impress Jodie Foster.--Eds.] David Byrne designed nine specialized bike racks for New York, each with a different theme based on what part of town it's in. David, that's Really Quite Nice. Can you design some park benches and some pergolas, too? [We'd like to see some David Byrne Fiesta ware.--Eds.] Christian Bale said he learned to act by watching horses. Oh, Really? Because I thought you learned to act by watching other people yell and jump up and down. [We learned to dance by watching honeybees.--Eds.] Warren Buffett said we should be wary of our national and personal debt. Oh, Really? I thought we could just charge shit until the police came to take it back. [Our country is based on a buying mood.--Eds.] And Jerry Seinfeld will now pimp Microsoft products. I can see it now: "Why do they call it 'Windows?' This thing doesn't even look like a mouse. It doesn't have any ears!" [It'll probably be a little funnier than that.--Eds.] |
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August 18, 2008—It can always get worse. Sylvester Stallone will start pimping Russian Ice, a Russian vodka. Sylvester, Go Take a Nap! Don't you remember how much we hate the Russians and their cheating ways? Don't you remember Rocky IV? Ivan Drago? Dolph Lundgren? [At least he's not pimping Clubber Lang vodka.--Eds.] Lindsay Lohan is planning on converting to Judaism because her pardner, Samantha Ronson, taught her about it. Lindsay, that's Just Nice. But what happens when you break up with Samantha and start dating someone like, say, who believes in something, like totally else? Will you just keep converting to all the world's religions? What'll happen after you've been one of everything? [You don't know salvation until you know damnation.--Eds.] Jerry Lewis said that the gun found in his carryon bag at the airport was nothing more than an engraved gift from a "marvelous engraver." Jerry, Go Take a Nap! I think it was a bit more than an engraved gift. It was an engraved gift that you can put bullets in and shoot at stuff, whereby you fill that stuff up with holes. [Terrorists will to try to get all of their engraved gifts past security now.--Eds.] William Shatner is now doing video autographs, which are personalized video messages from celebrities while they sign an autograph. William, that's Just Nice. For my video autograph from you, I would like you to say: "Jack Jackson is right about me. I will do anything, anything at all, to make money." [We want him to say that he slept with Tribbles.--Eds.] |
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August 11, 2008—My fever is Olympic. Elvis Presley's peacock jumpsuit sold for $300,000, the highest price ever sold for a piece of Elvis memorabilia. Elvis' peacock jumpsuit, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many tacos you are worth? How many poor people you could feed? [How many peanut butter and banana sandwiches is it worth?--Eds.] George Lucas said that there could not be another Indiana Jones movie without Harrison Ford, and that he could not do a Mutt Williams movie starring Shia the Beef. George, that's Quite Nice. I don't think I'd want to watch The Beef go a-fencing with the Nazis and Soviets. I need me some fedora-wearin' and whiplashin' of the bad guys. [They've probably got a website for that type thing now.--Eds.] And Matthew McConaughey says he will plant his son's placenta in an orchard as a traditional way to make the trees strong and healthy. Matthew, Go Take a Nap! That's just not right! You should save the placenta and make a hat out of it, like a balloon animal hat. [If it's so good for the orchard, why not just eat it?--Eds.] |
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August 4, 2008—Yellow #5 is alive! Shia the Beef claimed that he doesn't know how to have one drink. The Beef, Go Take a Nap! It's easy to have one drink. Just take a pint glass of crushed ice, cover it with Canadian whiskey, splash it with soda water, and finish it off with eight dashes of bitters. There you have yourself a Harvey Bitterman. [We prefer Sex on the Beach.--Eds.] In related news, the Transformers sequel will likely have to slightly adapt the storyline in order to account for The Beef's "crushed" hand. Transformers sequel, Go Take a Nap! What kind of lesson are we sending if we tell actors it's okay to go ahead and get their hands crushed while filming because we'll just adapt the storyline. I mean, all the other actors are going to run out and get their hands crushed in accidents just to create attention because there's no real consequence to it. [Maybe he should film a crush video.--Eds.] Las Vegas police confiscated a gun in Jerry Lewis' carry-on bag. Jerry, Go Take a Nap! Do you seriously think you need a gun to raise money for Muscular Dystrophy? [He could make the other travelers dance.--Eds.] Cheech and Chong are getting together for a reunion comedy tour, man. Cheech and Chong, that's Just Nice. But people don't call it grass anymore. It's called the sticky-icky. [Our generation called it grass.--Eds.] |
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July 28, 2008—It's so hot here you can bake a runza on the sidewalk. Madame Tussauds unveiled a wax figure of Amy Winehouse. Madame Tussauds, that's Just Nice. But I just looked at a picture of it and I don't see any track marks. [Can they light the wax figures like candles?--Eds.] {I don't know.--Jack Jackson} Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper have officially announced the end of their association with the show At the Movies with Ebert & Roeper. Ebert and Roeper, Go Take a Nap! What are we gonna call the show now? At the Movies without Ebert & Roeper? [Good one.--Eds.] A U.S. Court of Appeals overturned the $550,000 fine that the FCC levied against CBS for showing Justin Timberlake tearing off Janet Jackson's bustier, which revealed a boob with a pasty on it. U.S. Court of Appeals, Go Take a Nap! If we let this kind of vile moral turpitude continue unchecked and unpunished, our entire society will collapse under the weight of its own denigration and debauchery! [It shouldn't cost that much to see a boob.--Eds.] {Or a pasty.--Jack Jackson} Britney Spears is working on a new album. Britney, that's Quite Nice. I think I'll wait to read some reviews before I buy it, though. [You could probably get just a few tracks at the iTunes store instead of buying the whole album.--Eds.] And Shia LeBeouf, menace to society, was arrested for DUI after injuring himself and two other people by slamming his truck into another car and rolling his truck twice. Shia, Go Take a Nap! Rolling your truck is something you have the stuntman do! [Where was the TMZ camera crew?--Eds.] {Update: authorities determined he did not cause the accident.--Jack Jackson} |
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July 21, 2008— . In memory of the great Ms. Skean: leukemia, Go Take a Nap! We'll see you at the great creamed corn contest in the sky.
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July 14, 2008—I sure hope we win a lot of medals at the Olympics. Amy Winehouse's father fears that Amy will suffer a "very slow and painful death" because of her drug use and whatnot. Amy Winehouse's father, that's Quite Nice. But there are ways to ensure a very quick and painless death, and if you don't know what they are, check out Final Destination 2. [We liked FD1 a little better.--Eds] {FD2 is the shiznit.--Jack Jackson} Lindsay Lohan has her own line of leggings for sale. Lindsay, Go Take a Nap! What ever happened to good old pants? [We like leggings because they show off our well-toned thighs..--Eds] Jamie Lynn Spears, 17, said that being a mother was "so much fun." Jamie, that's Just Nice. And you're in luck. If you think it's fun, get pregnant again, and you can have twice the fun. [What if she had triplets next time?--Eds.] {That would be so so so so much fun.--Jack Jackson} Bill Nye and Ed Begley, Jnr., neighbors, are having a fun fight about who has the most energy efficient house. Bill and Ed, that's Quite Nice. It's historic battles like these that remind me of the time when I was in junior high and I got into a fight about which type of Nerds candy was the best. [Orange and cherry were good.--Eds.] {They don't make orange anymore.--Jack Jackson} And canine hater Michael Vick declared bankruptcy from federal prison. Michael, that's Really Quite Nice. I hope you have trouble finding a job when you get free, too. |
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July 7, 2008—I don't wanna pay a lot for this deal. Larry Harmon, best known as Bozo the Clown, died last week. Larry, Go Take a Nap! Who is going to run the Bozoputer and chase Cookie the Clown and Whizzo around? And I never got my chance to win a crisp $50 bill. [He'd upped it to a crispy $100.--Eds.] {I'm dating myself.--Jack Jackson} Bon Jovi will give a free concert in Central Park a few days before the MLB All-Star Game. Bon Jovi, that's Quite Nice. Do you think anyone would pay for that kind of thing? [If he plays Wanted Dead or Alive with the extended verses, we would pay a little bit.--Eds.] Zhao Danyang, a Chinese investor, won an auction to eat with Warren Buffett for $2.1Million. The money will go to a charity that provides food and training for poor people in the Tenderloin in San Francisco. Zhao Danyang, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how much you overpaid for lunch with Mr. Buffett? You'd have to eat, like, 4.2Million tacos just to get your money's worth. [Or 8.4Million tacos on cheap taco night.--Eds.] |
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June 30, 2008—Part of picking your battles is figuring out who you're gonna beat. Just after I reported that George Carlin was going to get the Mark Twain Award, he died. George, Go Take a Nap! That's going to be super-motherfucking creepy when that twat-ass shit-bitch cunthead dead cocksucker Mark Twain hands over his award to the tits-up piss-stained you. [There are no words you can't say on the Innerwebs.--Eds.] Amy Winehouse apparently has the early stages of emphysema from smoking crack and cigarettes. Amy, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows that crack is the gateway drug to harder stuff! [She should've started with eating mushrooms.--Eds.] {I'm not sure that's the right message to send.--Jack Jackson} Vanessa Hudgens says Zac Efron showers, despite rumors to the contrary. Vanessa, that's Quite Nice. Does he clean behind his ears? [Douche is French for shower.--Eds.] Drew Carey is paying to have 45 pizzas flown in to Burbank from his favorite pizzeria in Cleveland to celebrate his first year as host of The Price is Right. Drew, Go Take a Nap! You shouldn't be celebrating the fact that you've stolen my job as Bob Barker's replacement by eating any kind of pizza, let alone 45 of your favorite Cleveland pizzas. [We heard you were a little aggressive at the interview.--Eds.] {I wore the right kind of tie.--Jack Jackson} And Vern Troyer won a temporary restraining order keeping TMZ from showing his sex tape. Vern, Don't Film Your Sex! You wouldn't have to sue TMZ for the TRO if you never made the sex tape in the first place! [It's still okay to film other people's sex, right?--Eds.] {Right.--Jack Jackson} |
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June 23, 2008—Just keep talking, and eventually they'll have to listen. Martha Stewart has been denied entry into Britain because of her 2004 conviction for her shady stock deals. Britain, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how much better Martha will make your country look if you let her in and give her some taffeta and some yarn? [Throw in some sparkly T-shirt paint and there will likely be no stopping the British Empire.--Eds.] Spike Lee predicted that Barack Obama will win the upcoming election and that it will mark a new day for the United States. Spike, Go Take a Nap! Of course it will be a new day when he gets elected! It'll be, like, one day after the day before the old day. [Did anyone bother to make a flowchart to explain this?--Eds.] Gordon Ramsay wants Australia to strengthen its rules against using foul language on tevee. Gordon, Go Take a Nap! The only reason to watch tevee is the off-chance to hear someone say pu-pu platter. [Ahem.--Eds.] George Carlin will receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. George, that's Quite Nice. And when will Hal Linden win the John Wilkes Booth Prize for American Acting? [When will Imogene Coca win the Ruth Buzzi Award for American Treasure?--Eds.] |
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June 16, 2008—The more you automate, the more can go automatically wrong. Chuck Berry says although John McCain used his song "Johnny B. Goode" during his campaign, he will be rooting for Barack Obama. Chuck, Go Take a Nap! If you don't support McCain, he'll never want to use "My Ding-a-Ling" in his campaign! [It might be best if their respective ding-a-lings got used less.--Eds.] Boy George will perform a free concert for the New York Sanitation Department's Family Day to thank them for when he did community service there. Boy George, that's Just Nice. But I'm not too sure you'd get a whole lot from them if you charged. [We would gladly pay two dollars.--Eds.] George Michael claims this year will mark the end of his big-arena gigs. George, that's Quite Nice. You and Boy George could get together and perform a free big-arena gig and finally get it all done with. [The juice is the game.--Eds.] And Prince William was beknighted, the 1,000th Royal Knight of the Garter overall. Prince William, that's Really Quite Nice. Now that you're a knight, you can ride around on horses and tell people what's what or they'll get a lance through their stomach, that's what's what. [It's not like that now.--Eds.] |
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June 9, 2008—Viral video can make you sick.
Pete Wentz
celebrated his
29th
birthday but didn't drink because he didn't want to drink if his
wifey, Ashlee
Simpson-Wentz,
couldn't drink because she's pregnant with his
love-child.
Pete,
Go Take a Nap!
If you don't drink now, do you think it's going to be okay when
the baby is around and you have to hold it while you drink your
pousse-café?
[They make special straws for that now.--Eds.]
Samantha Geimer, who was the 13-year-old girl that Roman Polanski diddled 30 years ago, says she thinks Polanski should not get prison time and is not a threat to society. Samantha, that's Quite Nice. I hope you won't mind if I invite him to your children's birthday parties. [If he's dressed like a clown, we'll go.--Eds.] A statue of John Lennon in Havana is now guarded 24 hours a day because people keep stealing its glasses. John Lennon statue, Go Take a Nap! If you don't want anyone stealing your glasses, why didn't you have a pair carved into your face instead? [And maybe a nice top hat, too?--Eds.] |
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June 2, 2008—Put the paddle in the water.
Christian Bale
wants to remind us all that he's not
Christian Slater.
Christian (Bale),
that's Just
Nice.
And I want to remind you all that I'm not
Jack Black.
[We're not the editors.--Eds.]
Yannick Noah said that it was not serious when his son, Joakim, was popped for possession of a joint. Yannick warned Joakim not to let it happen again. Yannick, Go Take a Nap! It is way serious when a joint is in your pants! Everyone knows you should smoke your joints before you leave your house! [We're not sure that's the right message to send.--Eds.] Ashlee Simpson is now Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. Ashlee, that's Just Nice. That makes it super-easy to go back to Ashlee Simpson when you get your divorce. [No, they exchanged vows for real and forever.--Eds.] Max Mosley, head of the International Motoring Federation, is suing News of the World for reporting that he had a "Nazi-style sex orgy" with five prostitutes. Max, that's Quite Nice. You should sue their pants off! And keep your pants on! And will someone please tell me what in the hell a "Nazi-style sex orgy" is? [We don't even wanna know.--Eds.] Eddie Murphy will return in Beverly Hills Cop IV. Eddie, Go Take a Nap! Why ruin such a perfect trilogy with a fourth movie which is so obviously a mad dash for cash? Don't you have any sense of aesthetics? [We believe they are going to make it for all the right reasons.--Eds.] Jaymes Foster, a music producer, is pregnant with Clay Aiken's seed, via artificial insemination. Clay, Go Take a Nap! Don't artificially inseminate women! It's not decent. You should man-up and pound yer pee-pee into her bugina until it happens all natural-like! [We're not sure this is the right message to send.--Eds.] |
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May 26, 2008—Freedom delivery on its way.
Harrison Ford
got his chest waxed as some kind of promotion for the rain
forests of the world.
Harrison,
that's Just
Nice.
And will you shave your back to let us all know that
May
is Salad
Month?
[We manscaped our necks to promote Priapism Awareness
Month.--Eds.]
Clint Eastwood said he would not do any more Dirty Harry movies. Clint, Go Take a Nap! Nothing would please the American Going Public than seeing you fire a .45 revolver and crap your adult diapers from the recoil. [Make our diapers.--Eds.] George Takei, Mr. Sulu, will marry his longtime boyfriend in California. George, that's Quite Nice. In your honor, we will launch several missiles to where no man has gone before. [Meat missiles up the old dirt road.--Eds.] |
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May 19, 2008—Talking about things that don't matter to people who don't care.
Due to the lack
of interesting celebrity shenanigans this week . . .
[This space intentionally left blank.] [This space left intentionally blank.] [This space left blank intentionally.] |
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May 12, 2008—Ennui can be so boring.
Soccer star
Ronaldo
is very upset and he cried a lot about his run-in with
three transvestites.
He said he had no idea that the people he thought were female
prostitutes were actually male, er female, um, they were dudes
with schlongs dressed like women but they allegedly just wanted
to blackmail him for money.
Ronaldo,
Go Take a Nap!
Getting photographed with
three transvestites
isn't a big deal. It's a big deal when you get
photographed with
three transvestites
who are making you the
Lucky Pierre.
[If it's four transvestites, it's the doubly Lucky Pierre.--Eds.]
A two-year investigation into which skull is that of German poet Friedrich Schiller resulted in a big fat inconclusive conclusion. Two-year investigation, Go Take a Nap! If I spend two years trying to figure out which skull is a famous German poet, I expect results. [It's possible that his skull is being used for a bong somewhere.--Eds.] The DC Madam's suicide notes expressed her desire to die instead of going to prison. DC Madam, that's Just Nice. It's nice to see people practicing what they preach for once. [We're not sure that's the right message to send.--Eds.] Phillipe Quint left his $4Million violin in a cab, and the cabbie returned it. Phillipe, Go Take a Nap! You need to tie a string around your finger to remind you that you've left your violin in the cab! [What, no meat whistle joke?--Eds.] {Skin flute.--Jack Jackson} A portrait painting of Heath Ledger, painted just weeks before his death, won second place at some Australian art awards. Australian art awards, Go Take a Nap! Although I've not seen the portrait, I'm sure it deserved first place, and boy does Heath sure look creepy as The Joker and I don't feel like they're exploiting his death to make money. [Buy low, sell high.--Eds.] Alec Baldwin says he's not going to leave any more venom-filled voicemails for his daughter. Alec, that's Quite Nice. But if we don't have venom-filled voicemails, we don't appreciate the honey-filled voicemails. [We just called to say call us back.--Eds.] Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are reportedly very lovey-dovey and in each other's laps all the time on the set of High School Musical 3: The Crystal Skull's Around Here in My Locker Somewhere. Zac and Vanessa, Get a Room! Er. Go Take a Nap! [We like to see people knife fight.--Eds.] And NBC is going to sell figurines based on the Heroes characters. NBC, that's Just Nice. But you'll forgive me if I don't have enough room on my shelf next to my Elton John scented stone collection for your new gimmick. [Those still aren't stones.--Eds.] |
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May 5, 2008—I don't want to be euthanized on the track.
[Note: Jack
Jackson is away this week. In his place is Billy
Halvorson, aged 9, who is a budding young gossip
columnist.--Eds.]
Hey! This is cool! I wanted to play more Funkeys but they said I had to write this column instead. The Editors said I have to write funny stuff about Roger Clemens, Miley Cyrus, and Amy Winehouse. I don't know who any of those people are! Well, okay. I know who Miley Cyrus is. She's Hannah Montana. My dad says she's a little whore who likes to pose nude. I'm not supposed to do that. Her show is boring. Roger Clemens is some famous baseball guy. The Editors said he cheated at baseball and cheated his wife. Dad says it's only cheating if you get caught. He also says you shouldn't waste the good tequila on blended margaritas. You're supposed to drink the good tequila by itself, and use the cheap stuff for the other drinks. He says I can't drink tequila until I'm older. That's fine with me. It smells! And dad said I have to eat the worm! Yuck! Amy Winehouse is some skinny singer with bad teeth who does drugs. I guess she didn't listen to the D.A.R.E. guy! Or Tommy the Tooth! Okay, I've gotta go. I need to earn some more Funkey money to open up the store where I can buy stuff. |
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April 28, 2008—There is life on Mars, and they like our TV.
Enrique Iglesias
says that
Anna Kournikova
won't marry him, even after repeated proposals.
Enrique,
that's Just
Nice.
Apparently, you asking
Anna to marry
you gets the same results as you asking me to buy one of your
albums. [People change.--Eds.]
Daniel Radcliffe is publicly searching for a woman who stared at him all night at an awards party, hoping to get her number. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! If a girl stares at you all night, she's probably not dating material. Just think what going to a movie would be like, with her all staring at you all night. [We're into girls who stare all night.--Eds.] Isabella Rossellini is unsure that her short films about insect sex can make money online, because there is so much content out there for free. Isabella, Go Take a Nap! Of course short films about insect sex can make money. Just make sure the insects are wearing furry costumes and whiz on each other a lot and you'll make a mint. [It's called Bug Porn.--Eds.] |
|
April 21, 2008—How about instead of body spray, people wash themselves?
Neil Diamond
said his latest
CD
is the most difficult he's ever written.
Neil,
Go Take a Nap!
If this is the most difficult
CD
you've ever written, just think about how difficult it will be
to listen to it! [We can't wait to karaoke all of his new
hits.--Eds.]
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, recently engaged, are supposedly pregnant, too. Ashlee and Pete, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea just how many showers we're going to have to throw for you now? And all within, like just a few months! [We'll do Toilet Paper Bride.--Eds.] And J.K. Rowling cried and got all upset on the stand because she thinks someone stole her characters to make the Harry Potter Lexicon without her permission. J.K., Go Take a Nap! Are you saying you didn't make enough money on Harry Potter and want to make just a little bit more? Just write another Harry Potter book, like Harry Potter and the Magickal Cash Cow. [Maybe Dumbledore will meet a nice old man to use his magic wand on.--Eds.] |
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April 14, 2008—I smell Spring, and it smells like time to change the sheets.
Neil Patrick
Harris says
that How I
Met Your Mother
is a good enough show that it doesn't need to do "stunt casting"
of celebrities like
Britney Spears
in order to succeed.
Neil,
Go Take a Nap!
Your show needs a little stunt casting. A few funny jokes
couldn't hurt, either. [We'd watch if they stunt cast Abe
Vigoda.--Eds.]
John Cleese has publicly offered to become Barack Obama's speechwriter if Barack wins the Democratic nomination. John, that's Just Nice. If you become Barack's speechwriter, I'll become your speechwriter. [It's funny when John Cleese says cheese and Spam.--Eds.] Colin Farrell was sickened by a visit to Srebrenica, where 8,000 Muslim men and boys were killed in 1995 by Bosnian Serbs. Colin, that's Just Nice. But if you're sickened by the deaths of 8,000 people, you better not visit Auschwitz anytime too soon. [Or any other mass murder site.--Eds.] |
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April 7, 2008—Hooray, baseball.
Phil Spector's
defense team
says they need until at least
September
to get ready for his murder retrial.
Phil Spector's
defense team,
Go Take a Nap!
It's gonna take you five months to say "not guilty"? [They
might also say he didn't do it.--Eds.]
Ted Turner has joined with some Christian groups in Africa to fight malaria. Ted, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows to get rid of malaria, you pour vegetable oil on the stagnant waters and the mosquito eggs die from lack of oxygen. [You could also take a flamethrower generally to everything.--Eds.] Jay Leno apologized for asking Ryan Phillippe to make his "gayest look" on the Tonight Show. Jay, Go Take a Nap! You should never apologize for getting someone's gayest look. Everyone needs a gayest look. [Let's see his most hetero look.--Eds.] |
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March 31, 2008—March complaints bring April apathies.
Justin
Timberlake will host
the ESPY Awards
this year.
Justin, that's
Just Nice.
I'm really happy for you and I'm sure you'll do a great job
reading all that sports patter. [Will Bruce Vilanch be
writing the patter this year?--Eds.]
Paris Hilton said she sees herself as a role model for young women. Paris, Go Take a Nap! You wouldn't even make a good role model for adult women. [Or even older women.--Eds.] |
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March 24, 2008—When I am king, everyone can wear pants--or not.
Shia LeBeouf
got a bench warrant for failure to appear for "unlawful
smoking," but the warrant never issued, so he's got a new court
date.
Shia The Beef,
Go Take a Nap!
First you stumble around drunk at a
Chicago Walgreens,
then you smoke unlawfully and miss court dates! It's like
you don't even want to be a good citizen anymore. [We only
believe in lawful smoking.--Eds.]
Sri Lankan authorities asserted that there is no evidence that Arthur C. Clarke ever diddled little boys. Sri Lankan authorities, that's Just Nice. However, I heard he had a fetish for solid black monoliths and space babies. [We keep our monolith collection next to the Elton John candle collection.--Eds.] And J.K. Rowling admitted having suicidal thoughts back when she was a poor single mother. J.K., that's Just Nice. Your depression is a lesson to us all. Just fight through it and you can become one of the richest women on the planet. [We don't want to be poor Sri Lankan boys.--Eds.] |
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March 17, 2008—Someday soon it will be hot out and then we can complain about that.
Paul McCartney
says he's totally vegetarian now, and a big part of it is due to
when he was fishing and he caught a fish and he realized he was
killing the fish for pleasure and it made him feel bad.
Paul,
that's Quite
Nice.
But if everyone felt the same way as you, we would never have
those yummy frozen fish sticks. [Or shrimp pies.--Eds.]
Boris Spassky visited Bobby Fisher's grave. Boris, that's Just Nice. I'm sure Bobby feels better now. [We were never very good at chess.--Eds.] And Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island, 69, got busted for marihuana possession and charged with reckless driving. Mary Ann, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you smoke your pot before you drive, and then you don't have the pot on you when you drive recklessly and get pulled over. [That's probably not the right message to send.--Eds.] |
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March 10, 2008—I'm getting just the right amount of Will Ferrell and Frank Caliendo.
Steve-O
of Jackass
got booked for possession of "a small quantity of drugs" after
fighting with his neighbor at
5am.
Steve-O,
Go Take a Nap!
If you want to argue with your neighbor at
5am,
do the drugs first and then go out to the fence and get
arrested. Then you won't have the drugs on you.
[We're not sure that's the right message to send.--Eds.]
A new BBC documentary claims that the Hells Angels planned to assassinate Mick Jagger after a concert security dispute in 1969. Hells Angels, Go Take a Nap! Killing people is not the right way to settle disputes. [Unless you want their gems and jewels.--Eds.] Boris Becker has started a professional poker career. Oh, Really? I would, too, if I won Wimbledon three times and had a bunch of money to blow. [You should look into plastics.--Eds.] Whoopi Goldberg said she won her Ghost Oscar because Patrick Swayze insisted that she star in the film. Whoopi, Go Take a Nap! Are you telling me I could've won an Oscar if they'd cast me instead of you? [Yes. That's exactly what she's saying.--Eds.] |
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March 3, 2008—I'm not getting enough Will Ferrell or Frank Caliendo.
This year's
Oscars
were a tevee ratings flizzzop, d000d.
Oh, Really?
Because I could watch maudlin montages,
Disney
songs, and
John Stewart's
obvious jokes all night, every night. [The ratings
would've been better if Norbit had won for best makeup.--Eds.]
Michael Jackson has until March 19 to cough up exactly $24,525,906.61 in cold, hard cash or else face a forced auction of Neverland. Michael, Go Take a Nap! You better come up with that money quick because you'll be forever kicking yourself for losing the home where you had so many fondling memories. [That last line should probably read "fond mammaries."--Eds.] Stephen King and the artist formerly known as John Cougar Mellencamp are teaming up for a stage musical, Ghost Brothers of Darkland County. It's described as a "sultry Southern gothic mystery" heavy on blues guitar. Stephen and John, Go Take a Nap! I think the world has quite had its fill of blues-heavy, sultry-Southern-gothic-mystery stage musicals. [We were goths in high school, because the world around us didn't have enough of these-type musicals.--Eds.] Keith Richards said Mick Jagger is a "power freak" and a "bit vain." Oh, Really? Because I thought lead singers made their careers by being shy, humble, and submissive. [Jack Jackson is a power freak and a bit vain.--Eds.] Enrique Iglesias, 32, plans on retiring before he hits 50. Enrique, that's Quite Nice. Maybe maybe you could retire before 33? [The way this job pays, we'll never get to retire.--Eds.] |
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February 25, 2008—I've got Oscar febre. [Click here to hear the podcast!]
Sharon Stone
is saddened about the war in
Iraq
and how many
Iraqis have
died and how sad it is that the truth is being distorted in
American
media.
Sharon,
Go Take a Nap!
This is
America and
we spread freedom across the world. If you don't like it,
why don't you move to some oppressive country and see what it's
like for a few days. [No one is truly free until they
embrace the sweet, sweet sleep of death.--Eds.]
Kathleen Turner has been taking the bus to work in New York. Kathleen, that's Quite Nice. But now you're one of the bus people, so I hope you bring with you all of your trash bags full of shit you don't need, take up three seats, and stink. [Some of our best friends are bus people.--Eds.] A baby boa constrictor bit Robert Irwin, 4, son of Steve Irwin, dead, while promoting toys at FAO Schwarz. Robert Irwin, Go Take a Nap! What in the hell are you doing pimping toys with snakes at the age of four? Where is your mother? And someone needs to dish out a little American freedom on that snake. [It is possible that the baby boa constrictor, sensing that Robert Irwin was having a ministroke, was trying to bite Robert and drag him offstage to safety?--Eds.] Anne Rice has promised another book in her Vampire Chronicles. Anne, that's Just Nice. And I shall promise another lame vampire movie. [Hopefully Lestat will find the path to God and request a proper Christian burial.--Eds.] Heath Ledger will be replaced by Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell in Terry Gilliam's Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Oh, Really? Because I'm going to get Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Paul Newman, and Tom Hanks to replace Abe Vigoda in the Mystical Magical Mysterious Phantasticarium of Professor Matterhorn-Kilimanjaro. [Who will replace Hal Linden?--Eds.] Justin Timberlake will star as a fictional baseball player in The Open Road. Justin, that's Just Nice. Does anyone smell Oscar? [We smell Oscar.--Eds.] And Aaron Carter got caught with a "small amount of marijuana" while speeding in Texas. Aaron, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you don't speed in Texas with pot. And can't you wait to smoke pot until you get where you're going? [Our generation called it grass.--Eds.] |
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February 18, 2008—It's important to know what's important.
Heidi Klum
said she'd gladly let
Britney Spears
live in her home for a few months while she got her life figured
out.
Heidi, that's
Quite Nice.
I need to figure out a few things in my life, too, so you better
get two rooms ready. [We would never let Britney Spears
live in our home, unless she did wacky crazy things and we could
put it on TV.--Eds.]
Dolly Parton had to postpone her latest tour due to back problems. She said her back problems were caused by her breasts. Oh, Really? And what can we blame your breasts on? This vicious cycle of blame has to end somewhere. [It's a cruel, cruel world that makes boobs hurt backs.--Eds.] Siegfried and Roy will have a one-show comeback to raise money for a brain institute in Las Vegas, and animals will almost assuredly be involved. Moreover, they believe Montecore severed Roy's neck and dragged him offstage because the tiger sensed Roy was having a ministroke and wanted him to be safe. Siegfried and Roy, Go Take a Nap! Animals don't bite off your neck and drag you off stage for safety! They bite your neck and drag you off stage so they can eat the rest of your face off. [Face . . . off.--Eds.] And in a somewhat related story, the world's largest Jesus was struck by lightning in Rio de Janeiro. World's largest Jesus, Go Take a Nap! Quit showing off. It's not very becoming. [The electrified will inherit the Earth.--Eds.] |
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February 11, 2008—I could be getting too old for this stuff.
An
L.A. Superior Court
Commissioner
has ordered a mental examination of
Britney Spears.
Oh, Really?
I'm fairly sure the mental examination isn't all that necessary.
I think the entire world can see that
Britney
is
batshitnutz,
or maybe I'm missing something? [She's just living the
vida loca.--Eds.]
Heath Ledger's family said that they hope Heath's death will serve as a warning to others not to mix prescription drugs. Heath's family, Go Take a Nap! I used to mix Claritin, back when it was prescription only, with Viagra, and I'm telling you, I've never been hornier about being able to breathe. [We knew a guy who was on lots of different pills once.--Eds.] Keith Richards said Amy Winehouse should "get her act together" concerning her drug problems. Keith, that's Just Nice. With advice like that, it's a wonder why anyone ever gets into trouble with drugs. [Our act is together.--Eds.] |
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February 4, 2008—I am no longer ready for any more football. J.K. Rowling said finishing up her Harry Potter books was "the worst break-up of [her] life--far worse than splitting up with any man." J.K., Go Take a Nap! If it's so bad to stop writing the Harry Potter books, just write a whole nother one. And then you can make, like, another $1Billion. [We would write a new Harry Potter book for $1/2Billion.--Eds.] Bill Gates donated $20Million to help rice farmers deal with global warming. Bill, that's Just Nice. Now can you donate $20Million to weekly gossip columnists named Jack Jackson so they can deal with global warming? [Maybe toss some in for the editors, too?--Eds.] Paul McCartney is now saying he did not, repeat, did not have angioplasty last year. Paul, that's Just Nice. I didn't have angioplasty last year, either. [Neither did we.--Eds.] |
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January 28, 2008—You need to find fate in a pleasant mood to change your destiny.
[Click
here to hear the podcast!]
Tiger Woods announced his online Fist Pump Challenge, a contest which asks kids to relate their achievements and success with reaching their goals. Tiger, that's Just Nice. Get the kids filled with their own success stories now, because when they're adults they'll realize they'll never attain any of their goals, and that life is just one big disappointment after another. [You are a successful weekly columnist, and we pump our fists at you.--Eds.] Ringo Starr walked off the set of Live With Regis and Kelly because he didn't want to cut a four-minute song to under three minutes. Ringo, Go Take a Nap! You should cut all of your songs to under three minutes, or under two would be better. Actually, just quit writing songs, and we'll all probably be better off. [Jack Jackson seems awfully bitter these days.--Eds.] {He's just telling the truth.--Jack Jackson.} Paris Hilton called Britney Spears a "great mother." Paris, Go Take a Nap! She could be a great mother if it were, say Backwards Day, or we lived on Bizzaro World, or if she stopped doing drugs and recovered from her mental illness. [What is Backwards Day like on Bizarro World?--Eds.] {It's a lot like being here now.--Jack Jackson.} Sylvester Stallone defended the use of HGH because it increases the quality of life for everyone over 40. Sylvester, that's Just Nice. Something else that can improve the quality of life of those over 40 would be if you stopped making all these shitball sequels. [Damn. That's cold.--Eds.] |
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January 21, 2008—Reading Faulkner is like masturbating drunk.
The writers'
strike, having already horked over the
Golden Globes,
now threatens to hork over the
Grammys.
Oh, Really?
Because I thought the
Grammys
was an award show about music that's already been written.
Isn't it possible to have a music award show without writing
anything new? [No. They've got to get Bruce Vilanch
to write all that patter or we won't watch.--Eds.]
Roger Moore is writing a memoir of being James Bond. Roger, that's Quite Nice. In commemoration of this joyous event, I will write a memoir of remembering you remembering you as James Bond. I shall entitle it: No One Will Read This Book. [We would read it because we'd have to edit out all the references to your "scented stone collection."--Eds.] Oprah Winfrey is getting her own network, OWN, or the Oprah Winfrey Network. Oprah, Go Take a Nap! You already control the thoughts of millions of women with an hour-long show. Do you really need a whole channel to bolster your power? [Raindrops and roses and catnip and hoses and Oprah's favorite things, these are a few of our favorite things.--Eds.] Jack Nicholson, 70, told the AARP magazine that he would like to fall in love again. Jack, that's Just Nice. Get yourself a Facebook page and put up some pictures of your butt, and love will come a-knockin'. [That's crass.--Eds.] |
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January 14, 2008—We have a positive corporate culture.
Clay Aiken
said that he originally didn't get the humor of
Spamalot,
but now he does.
Clay,
Go Take a Nap!
Spamalot
is funny because
Spam
is funny.
Spam
is funny because poor people eat it mixed with dog food to keep
their bowels in shape. [Hard dog food or soft dog
food?--Eds.]
Salma Hayek will play a bearded lady in Cirque du Freak, a "family horror drama." Cirque du Freak, Go Take a Nap! What in the hell is a "family horror drama"? [It's like when the Spam runs out and the poor people have to eat each other.--Eds.] {That is so not funny.--Jack Jackson} Terry Gilliam said it would be impossible to do a show for TV today like Monty Python, because it's message was "don't believe anything people say." Oh, Really? Because I thought the message was "eat as much Spam as possible." And besides, I think I just saw Monty Python on TV last week. So explain that one, Mr. We-Couldn't-Do-That-on-TV-Today. [Some of our best friends are Spam-eaters.--Eds.] Hannah Montana uses body doubles during her concerts to supposedly get ready for costume changes. Hannah Montana, Go Take a Nap! Have you ever heard of bumper music? Interludes? Recitatives? [We can do without the recitatives.--Eds.] Dionne Warwick's jewels were stolen from her Rome hotel, to the tune of about $100,000. Dionne, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you put your gems and jewels in the hotel safe! I always put my scented-stone collection in the safe and they've never been stolen. [Those still aren't stones.--Eds.] |
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January 7, 2008—This is gonna be the best year ever.
Goldie Hawn
said Aspen
is full of paparazzi
and she can't even get to her house or go into town without
being followed by them.
Goldie,
Go Take a Nap!
If you don't like having your picture taken, stop being a
celebrity. I'd love the chance to lead the
paparazzi
to my Aspen
home and then bitch about it. [We just want the rich part
without the famous part.--Eds.]
Reese Witherspoon is the most-liked female celebrity. Reese, that's Just Nice. I hope you like being liked, and I hope you don't mind it when someone tries to take your picture as you drive around in Aspen. [We don't do Aspen anymore. It's got too many paparazzi.--Eds.] Paul McCartney had a secret angioplasty. Paul's secret angioplasty, Go Take a Nap! If you're so secret, how come everyone knows about you? [.sdE--.daed si luaP.] There may be no Golden Globes this year if the writers' strike isn't solved soon. Oh, Really? I thought that awesome patter was ad lib. [We are pondering an editors' strike.--Eds.] Lindsay Lohan won worst performance for her role in I Know Who Killed Me. Lindsay, that's Quite Nice. Do what you know, I say. [It's okay to have a fire crotch.--Eds.] And Robin Williams was Dave Letterman's first guest after the late night hiatus caused by the writers' strike. Robin Williams, Go Take a Nap! I liked you way better when you were . . . well, I guess I've never really liked your comedic stylings, so, Go Take a Double Nap! [That's a new one.--Eds.] |