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November 17, 2008It is possible to watch too much football on Saturdays. The William Shatner and George Takei pissing contest has decidedly entered a new era, with Shatner calling Takei "mean" on his website or something. Shatner and Takei, Go Take a Nap! Watching you two septuagenarians fight through blog posts is like watching two old people try to have sex with each other. [You show me yours and I'll try to remember where I left mine.--Eds.] Fans of the tevee show Dallas are upset over a reunion of some cast members at Southfork Ranch which went, um, south. Some fans paid up to $1,000 for tickets to the event and did not get to commingle with some of the stars as promised to them. Dallas reunion, Go Take a Nap! If I pay $1,000, I better see all the people you tell me I'm gonna see, and you know this economy is so far gone to shit that I can't afford to come to next year's reunion, let alone the one after that. [Save up for the 2012 reunion?--Eds.] {The Mayan Calendar will have ended by then.--Jack Jackson} Roger Moore says he doesn't like this new, more violent James Bond of Daniel Craig's. Roger, that's Quite Nice. I don't like him either. I liked James Bond way better when he shot exploding cigarettes at people or blew them up with compressed-air bullets. That's the kind of violence I like. [We like sex and ammo.--Eds.] The city of Batman, Turkey is suing Christopher Nolan, director of the recent Batman movies, for a share of profits for using the city's name without permission. Batman, Turkey, Go Take a Nap! That is so, like, the dumbest lawsuit ever. Just change the name of your city to Mister Freeze, and then you'll have something worth suing over. [Would that make it Cold, Turkey?--Eds.] Rupert Murdoch says the digital age is passing by some print newspapers, specifically the editors and journalists. Oh, Really? Because I still look forward everyday to waking up and grabbing the newspaper from my porch so I can read about all the stories I just read online before I went to bed the previous night. [We buy the Sunday paper just for the coupons.--Eds.] Some animal rights activists pelted Lindsay Lohan with flour for wearing a fur stole in Paris. Animal rights activists, Go Take a Nap! Where's the blood? Do you really think you're going to deter anyone from doing anything by throwing flour on them? [A light dusting of flour on our camel coat might look rather smashing.--Eds.] And Rob Lowe called the fires in Southern California "like Armageddon." Rob, Go Take a Nap! Armageddon is not a fire in California. It's a battle that will be fought somewhere in the Middle East. [Maybe they'll use a lot of flamethrowers at Armageddon?--Eds.] |
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November 10, 2008Nothing brings joy to the ears quite like "bowl eligible." Joaquin Phoenix says that at 34, he's done acting. Joaquin, Go Take a Nap! We need your actings kills! Er. We need your acting skills! You were totally awesome in 8MM. [We liked him best in SpaceCamp.--Eds.] Michael J. Fox says that it's ironic that his latest role is a man paralyzed in a wheelchair. Michael, Go Take a Nap! It's not ironic that you play a paralyzed man in a wheelchair, it's a coincidence. It would be ironic, say if you played a star NBA player. [It would be meta-ironic if he played an actor with Parkinson's Disease.--Eds.] Bianca Jagger does not want to pay the man who turned in her 200,000 ring the 10,000 reward required by Austrian law, because she thinks he held on to it too long. Bianca, that's Just Nice. You just keep making sure that rich people don't have to follow the law, and we'll all be just fine. [We always leave our 200,000 rings in the hotel safe.--Eds.] And Maya Angelou is writing a poem about Barack Obama. Maya, that's Quite Nice. But not a lot rhymes with Barack or Obama, so good luck with that. [Maybe she'll do free verse?--Eds.] |
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November 3, 2008Hope is what inferior football teams need. Bruce Springsteen wrote a Halloween song called A Night with the Jersey Devil, and made it available to download for free on his website. Bruce, that's Quite Nice. But now you'll increase expectations, and I want a Thanksgiving song about an evening with a New Jersey turkey. [We need to start making sacrifices as a country.--Eds.] Colin Farrell said he's gotten over the fact that his movie Alexander was a box office flop. Colin, that's Just Nice. But I don't think I'll ever get over Alexander. The only way to get over something like that is to make a new Alexander and get it right, maybe a little more sex and violence. [Alexander Redux?--Eds.] Elvis is the world's top-earning dead celebrity. Elvis, Go Take a (Dirt) Nap! This economy is going to shit and you're making money off of us while you're dead? That's not fair. I hope you give it all to charity or something equally nice. [He could add a mausoleum to Graceland.--Eds.] The world's fattest man got married in Mexico, having to be carried to a temporary altar on his bed by crane. World's fattest man, Go Take a Nap! If you need a crane to get you to your wedding, I don't think you should be getting married, because that means it's gonna be really difficult to find your pee-pee under all that fat and what good is getting married if you can't put your pee-pee into your wife's bugina? [Maybe they've figured out a way to express their love without sex?--Eds.] Donnie and Marie will be in Las Vegas for at least another two years, thanks to a contract extension with the Flamingo Showroom. Donnie and Marie, that's Just Nice. Honey, fire up the RV and get the kids, because we're moving to Las Vegas for exactly two more years! [We'll be there, too. We never miss a show.--Eds.] And the lawyers that Samantha Ronson sued for allegedly botching her defamation suit against Perez Hilton called Lindsay Lohan a semi-celebrity in court pleadings. Oh, Really? I think Lindsay is more of a 5/8-celebrity than 1/2-celebrity, but I don't have my slide rule handy to double-check my figures. [Doesn't 9/16 want some part of that?--Eds.] |
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October 27, 2008Hope is what inferior football teams need. William Shatner is upset that he didn't get invited to George Takei's wedding last month, and but Takei said Shatner was invited. William and George, Go Take a Nap! You two are both in your seventies, and you're pulling this high school shit on each other? What's next, not going to parties if the other is going to be there? Unfriending each other in Facebook? [They're so old, they're probably still using Friendster.--Eds.] An assistant to Lil Wayne says he occasionally saw marihuana and a gun on the tour bus. Oh, Really? Because I thought rappers kept drug free and had no need for weapons. [Maybe the gun was just for shooting snakes and such?--Eds.] Zac Efron says that he was a goofball in high school and wasn't into sports, and wasn't a jock, nor was he a nerd. Zac, Go Take a Nap! If you weren't a jock or a nerd, what were you? [A goofball?--Eds.] |
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October 20, 2008Don't forget to vote. And remember, your vote only counts if you vote for the winner. Maureen McCormick, only known as Marcia Brady, has a new autobiography out where she cops to being addicted to cocaine, Quaaludes, and mushrooms. Marcia--er--Maureen, Go Take a Nap! First, all movie and tevee stars are presumed to be addicted to cocaine until proven otherwise. And second, who in the hell gets addicted to mushrooms? [We prefer morels and criminis.--Eds.] Ringo Starr says he doesn't want any more fan mail because he doesn't have any time to read it, let alone respond to it. Ringo, Go Take a Nap! Stop pretending you still get fan mail. [We don't have time to respond to all the hate mail.--Eds.] Prince William and Prince Harry raced motorcycles in South Africa to raise money for charity. Prince William and Prince Harry, that's Really Quite Nice. Everyone should race motorcycles to raise money for charity. I don't own one, though. Maybe some charity could donate one to me and also some riding lessons and possibly some extra cash for me to donate. Or maybe not. [Don't forget the sidecar.--Eds.] Pope John Paul II was stabbed in a knife attack in 1982 at the Shrine of Fatima in Portugal, and the story was kept secret until now. Pope John Paul II, Go Take a Nap! There's no need to be ashamed that you lost in a knife fight. Just make sure you bring a gun next time. [We're pretty sure he's dead now, though.--Eds.] |
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October 13, 2008TV isn't getting worse. It's getting . . . better. Harrison Ford strongly suggested that there will, in fact, be a fifth Indiana Jones movie. Harrison, Go Take a Nap! You fought Nazis and Soviets. What's next? Finding Bin Laden in Afghanistan? [Maybe looking for the Golden Nose of Hanoi?--Eds.] David Fowler, a Cambridge historian, said that bands like The Beatles and The Rolling Stones were not revolutionaries, just greedy capitalists trying to make money on the youth of the 60's. Oh, Really? Because I had always heard that Ringo gave all his money away to the International Workers of the World. [He kept a little bit of money so he could build his yellow submarine in the octopus' garden.--Eds.] Angelina Jolie can be seen breastfeeding on the cover of W magazine. Angelina, that's Quite Nice. And for an encore, we'd like you to fart on a cake. [And pet kittens.--Eds.] And Stephen Colbert said that it is fun to play a jerk on the tevee. Stephen, that's Just Nice. But how much fun do you think you'd have if you played a jerkface on the tevee? [Or jerkhead?--Eds.] |
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October 6, 2008They're not the loveable losers. They're just losers. Bruce Springsteen will play the Superbowl XLIII halftime show. Bruce, that's Just Nice. But I think I will be watching Puppy Bowl V instead, because of that totally sweet cat dance they do at halftime. [We just ordered Puppy Bowl IV on DVD and it should be here sometime this week.--Eds.] Clint Eastwood said he actually isn't giving up on acting, even though he suggested a few years ago that he was done. Clint, Go Take a Nap! What's it gonna be? Are you gonna act or are you not gonna act? I've got the perfect screenplay for you to play lead role. It's called Old Hollywood Superstar Can't Make Up His Mind About Whether He Still Wants to Act. [Good one.--Eds.] And Morley Safer created a piece of art to commemorate the 40th anniversary of 60 Minutes. Morley, that's Just Nice. And I just made a piece of art commemorating your piece of art, except I think someone just flushed it. [Nice poop joke.--Eds.] |
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September 29, 2008Give credit where credit can be paid back. Robert Wagner revealed that he had an affair with Barbara Stanwyck when he was 22 and she was 45. He also revealed that he contemplated suicide and murdering Warren Beatty after he stole Natalie Wood from him. Robert, Go Take a Nap! Why did you wait so long to tell all of this? This would've made a great made-for-TV movie, especially that part about you killing Warren Beatty. Just think, Ishtar could've been prevented! [And Bulworth.--Eds.] Tony Blair is now lecturing on religion at Yale. Tony, that's Just Nice. Lead by example, and maybe your buddy W. will teach folksiness at Oxford. [Maybe Putin could teach drinking at Gloucester?--Eds.] George Michael got arrested again at a public restroom for possession of drugs, namely marihuana and crack. [Our generation called it grass.--Eds.] George, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you do your drugs at home and then go to public restrooms! [We're not sure that's the right message to send.--Eds.] Clay Aiken is gay. Oh, Really? I thought he was just a little femmy. [You can be femmy and straight. Ask Kevin Spacey.--Eds.] And Nicole Kidman said that swimming in the Australian Outback waterfalls got her pregnant, as well as six other women who swam there. Nicole, that's Just Nice. Do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger swam there before he filmed Junior? [Or Twins?--Eds.] |
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September 22, 2008Start a new business, run it into the ground, and then have your rich uncle bail you out. R. Kelly said he doesn't like "anyone illegal." R. Kelly, that's Just Nice. It good that you don't like anyone illegal, and I'm sure you don't like to pee on anyone illegal, or even hang out with anyone illegal. [Everyone should be legal all the time.--Eds.] Heather Mills will donate $1Million worth of vegan food to the poor in the Bronx. Heather, that's Just Nice. I'm sure all the kids will remember the day their hunger ended thanks to the grace of soy not dogs. [We're getting hungry just thinking about all that soy product.--Eds.] A doctor said that if David Blaine hangs upside-down in Central Park for 60 hours, he might put too much blood pressure on his eyes and go blind. Doctor, Go Take a Nap! We want to see David hang upside-down for 60 hours. And it better be in 1080i! [Maybe he's like the bat-man.--Eds.] |
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September 15, 2008Don't give in to peer pressure. Just be sure you fit in so you can get a good job. So now maybe Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz may not be having twins after all. Pete and Ashlee, Go Take a Nap! What in the hell are you having? It better be really cool. I was making some twosies. [Maybe it's triplets!--Eds.] And The Wiggles are now Australia's richest, ahem, entertainers. The Wiggles, Go Take a Nap! You call that crap you sing music? It's childish and repetitive! [We prefer the musical stylings of Boobah.--Eds.] |
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September 8, 2008Ah, the smell of fall, if I could only smell it. David Duchovny has entered treatment for sex addiction. David, that's Just Nice. Admitting you really like sex is the first step in a long, drawn-out battle that will end with you admitting that you still, really like sex. [He needs to stay away from enablers.--Eds.] In semi-related news, Stephen Colbert's DNA will be digitized and shot into space to the International Space Station. Stephen, that's Quite Nice. But apparently shooting your DNA into space isn't that special of an event. Just ask David Duchovny. [He could get space herpes.--Eds.] Authorities in Salzburg found Bianca Jagger's $290,000 ring which she lost there during a music festival. Bianca, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows not to wear their $290,000 rings to Salzburg's music festivals. They are always getting lost and causing the authorities trouble. [We never wear our $290,000 rings out in public.--Eds.] The new Microsoft ads featuring Jerry Seinfeld are getting panned by viewers. Oh, Really? I thought it was a good idea but I guess sometimes good ideas suffer from poor execution. [Like the last episode of Seinfeld?--Eds.] And Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz are expecting twins. Pete and Ashlee, that's Just Nice. I'm sure the twins will grow up to be very talented musicians and singers someday. [Maybe they will have psychic powers, too.--Eds.] |
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August 25, 2008Mermaids are NOT real. Mark David Chapman, John Lennon's killer, said to his parole board that he now has "a deeper understanding of what a human life is" and that he has "changed a lot." Mark, Go Take a Nap! You killed John Lennon because you wanted to be famous. And now you kind of are. I mean, they made a movie about you, and when you go in front of your parole board, the Associated Press writes about it. You just stay in jail and enjoy yourself. [We do not want to impress Jodie Foster.--Eds.] David Byrne designed nine specialized bike racks for New York, each with a different theme based on what part of town it's in. David, that's Really Quite Nice. Can you design some park benches and some pergolas, too? [We'd like to see some David Byrne Fiesta ware.--Eds.] Christian Bale said he learned to act by watching horses. Oh, Really? Because I thought you learned to act by watching other people yell and jump up and down. [We learned to dance by watching honeybees.--Eds.] Warren Buffett said we should be wary of our national and personal debt. Oh, Really? I thought we could just charge shit until the police came to take it back. [Our country is based on a buying mood.--Eds.] And Jerry Seinfeld will now pimp Microsoft products. I can see it now: "Why do they call it 'Windows?' This thing doesn't even look like a mouse. It doesn't have any ears!" [It'll probably be a little funnier than that.--Eds.] |
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August 18, 2008It can always get worse. Sylvester Stallone will start pimping Russian Ice, a Russian vodka. Sylvester, Go Take a Nap! Don't you remember how much we hate the Russians and their cheating ways? Don't you remember Rocky IV? Ivan Drago? Dolph Lundgren? [At least he's not pimping Clubber Lang vodka.--Eds.] Lindsay Lohan is planning on converting to Judaism because her pardner, Samantha Ronson, taught her about it. Lindsay, that's Just Nice. But what happens when you break up with Samantha and start dating someone like, say, who believes in something, like totally else? Will you just keep converting to all the world's religions? What'll happen after you've been one of everything? [You don't know salvation until you know damnation.--Eds.] Jerry Lewis said that the gun found in his carryon bag at the airport was nothing more than an engraved gift from a "marvelous engraver." Jerry, Go Take a Nap! I think it was a bit more than an engraved gift. It was an engraved gift that you can put bullets in and shoot at stuff, whereby you fill that stuff up with holes. [Terrorists will to try to get all of their engraved gifts past security now.--Eds.] William Shatner is now doing video autographs, which are personalized video messages from celebrities while they sign an autograph. William, that's Just Nice. For my video autograph from you, I would like you to say: "Jack Jackson is right about me. I will do anything, anything at all, to make money." [We want him to say that he slept with Tribbles.--Eds.] |
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August 11, 2008My fever is Olympic. Elvis Presley's peacock jumpsuit sold for $300,000, the highest price ever sold for a piece of Elvis memorabilia. Elvis' peacock jumpsuit, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many tacos you are worth? How many poor people you could feed? [How many peanut butter and banana sandwiches is it worth?--Eds.] George Lucas said that there could not be another Indiana Jones movie without Harrison Ford, and that he could not do a Mutt Williams movie starring Shia the Beef. George, that's Quite Nice. I don't think I'd want to watch The Beef go a-fencing with the Nazis and Soviets. I need me some fedora-wearin' and whiplashin' of the bad guys. [They've probably got a website for that type thing now.--Eds.] And Matthew McConaughey says he will plant his son's placenta in an orchard as a traditional way to make the trees strong and healthy. Matthew, Go Take a Nap! That's just not right! You should save the placenta and make a hat out of it, like a balloon animal hat. [If it's so good for the orchard, why not just eat it?--Eds.] |
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August 4, 2008Yellow #5 is alive! Shia the Beef claimed that he doesn't know how to have one drink. The Beef, Go Take a Nap! It's easy to have one drink. Just take a pint glass of crushed ice, cover it with Canadian whiskey, splash it with soda water, and finish it off with eight dashes of bitters. There you have yourself a Harvey Bitterman. [We prefer Sex on the Beach.--Eds.] In related news, the Transformers sequel will likely have to slightly adapt the storyline in order to account for The Beef's "crushed" hand. Transformers sequel, Go Take a Nap! What kind of lesson are we sending if we tell actors it's okay to go ahead and get their hands crushed while filming because we'll just adapt the storyline. I mean, all the other actors are going to run out and get their hands crushed in accidents just to create attention because there's no real consequence to it. [Maybe he should film a crush video.--Eds.] Las Vegas police confiscated a gun in Jerry Lewis' carry-on bag. Jerry, Go Take a Nap! Do you seriously think you need a gun to raise money for Muscular Dystrophy? [He could make the other travelers dance.--Eds.] Cheech and Chong are getting together for a reunion comedy tour, man. Cheech and Chong, that's Just Nice. But people don't call it grass anymore. It's called the sticky-icky. [Our generation called it grass.--Eds.] |
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July 28, 2008It's so hot here you can bake a runza on the sidewalk. Madame Tussauds unveiled a wax figure of Amy Winehouse. Madame Tussauds, that's Just Nice. But I just looked at a picture of it and I don't see any track marks. [Can they light the wax figures like candles?--Eds.] {I don't know.--Jack Jackson} Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper have officially announced the end of their association with the show At the Movies with Ebert & Roeper. Ebert and Roeper, Go Take a Nap! What are we gonna call the show now? At the Movies without Ebert & Roeper? [Good one.--Eds.] A U.S. Court of Appeals overturned the $550,000 fine that the FCC levied against CBS for showing Justin Timberlake tearing off Janet Jackson's bustier, which revealed a boob with a pasty on it. U.S. Court of Appeals, Go Take a Nap! If we let this kind of vile moral turpitude continue unchecked and unpunished, our entire society will collapse under the weight of its own denigration and debauchery! [It shouldn't cost that much to see a boob.--Eds.] {Or a pasty.--Jack Jackson} Britney Spears is working on a new album. Britney, that's Quite Nice. I think I'll wait to read some reviews before I buy it, though. [You could probably get just a few tracks at the iTunes store instead of buying the whole album.--Eds.] And Shia LeBeouf, menace to society, was arrested for DUI after injuring himself and two other people by slamming his truck into another car and rolling his truck twice. Shia, Go Take a Nap! Rolling your truck is something you have the stuntman do! [Where was the TMZ camera crew?--Eds.] {Update: authorities determined he did not cause the accident.--Jack Jackson} |
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July 21, 2008 . In memory of the great Ms. Skean: leukemia, Go Take a Nap! We'll see you at the great creamed corn contest in the sky.
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July 14, 2008I sure hope we win a lot of medals at the Olympics. Amy Winehouse's father fears that Amy will suffer a "very slow and painful death" because of her drug use and whatnot. Amy Winehouse's father, that's Quite Nice. But there are ways to ensure a very quick and painless death, and if you don't know what they are, check out Final Destination 2. [We liked FD1 a little better.--Eds] {FD2 is the shiznit.--Jack Jackson} Lindsay Lohan has her own line of leggings for sale. Lindsay, Go Take a Nap! What ever happened to good old pants? [We like leggings because they show off our well-toned thighs..--Eds] Jamie Lynn Spears, 17, said that being a mother was "so much fun." Jamie, that's Just Nice. And you're in luck. If you think it's fun, get pregnant again, and you can have twice the fun. [What if she had triplets next time?--Eds.] {That would be so so so so much fun.--Jack Jackson} Bill Nye and Ed Begley, Jnr., neighbors, are having a fun fight about who has the most energy efficient house. Bill and Ed, that's Quite Nice. It's historic battles like these that remind me of the time when I was in junior high and I got into a fight about which type of Nerds candy was the best. [Orange and cherry were good.--Eds.] {They don't make orange anymore.--Jack Jackson} And canine hater Michael Vick declared bankruptcy from federal prison. Michael, that's Really Quite Nice. I hope you have trouble finding a job when you get free, too. |
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July 7, 2008I don't wanna pay a lot for this deal. Larry Harmon, best known as Bozo the Clown, died last week. Larry, Go Take a Nap! Who is going to run the Bozoputer and chase Cookie the Clown and Whizzo around? And I never got my chance to win a crisp $50 bill. [He'd upped it to a crispy $100.--Eds.] {I'm dating myself.--Jack Jackson} Bon Jovi will give a free concert in Central Park a few days before the MLB All-Star Game. Bon Jovi, that's Quite Nice. Do you think anyone would pay for that kind of thing? [If he plays Wanted Dead or Alive with the extended verses, we would pay a little bit.--Eds.] Zhao Danyang, a Chinese investor, won an auction to eat with Warren Buffett for $2.1Million. The money will go to a charity that provides food and training for poor people in the Tenderloin in San Francisco. Zhao Danyang, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how much you overpaid for lunch with Mr. Buffett? You'd have to eat, like, 4.2Million tacos just to get your money's worth. [Or 8.4Million tacos on cheap taco night.--Eds.] |
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June 30, 2008Part of picking your battles is figuring out who you're gonna beat. Just after I reported that George Carlin was going to get the Mark Twain Award, he died. George, Go Take a Nap! That's going to be super-motherfucking creepy when that twat-ass shit-bitch cunthead dead cocksucker Mark Twain hands over his award to the tits-up piss-stained you. [There are no words you can't say on the Innerwebs.--Eds.] Amy Winehouse apparently has the early stages of emphysema from smoking crack and cigarettes. Amy, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows that crack is the gateway drug to harder stuff! [She should've started with eating mushrooms.--Eds.] {I'm not sure that's the right message to send.--Jack Jackson} Vanessa Hudgens says Zac Efron showers, despite rumors to the contrary. Vanessa, that's Quite Nice. Does he clean behind his ears? [Douche is French for shower.--Eds.] Drew Carey is paying to have 45 pizzas flown in to Burbank from his favorite pizzeria in Cleveland to celebrate his first year as host of The Price is Right. Drew, Go Take a Nap! You shouldn't be celebrating the fact that you've stolen my job as Bob Barker's replacement by eating any kind of pizza, let alone 45 of your favorite Cleveland pizzas. [We heard you were a little aggressive at the interview.--Eds.] {I wore the right kind of tie.--Jack Jackson} And Vern Troyer won a temporary restraining order keeping TMZ from showing his sex tape. Vern, Don't Film Your Sex! You wouldn't have to sue TMZ for the TRO if you never made the sex tape in the first place! [It's still okay to film other people's sex, right?--Eds.] {Right.--Jack Jackson} |
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June 23, 2008Just keep talking, and eventually they'll have to listen. Martha Stewart has been denied entry into Britain because of her 2004 conviction for her shady stock deals. Britain, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how much better Martha will make your country look if you let her in and give her some taffeta and some yarn? [Throw in some sparkly T-shirt paint and there will likely be no stopping the British Empire.--Eds.] Spike Lee predicted that Barack Obama will win the upcoming election and that it will mark a new day for the United States. Spike, Go Take a Nap! Of course it will be a new day when he gets elected! It'll be, like, one day after the day before the old day. [Did anyone bother to make a flowchart to explain this?--Eds.] Gordon Ramsay wants Australia to strengthen its rules against using foul language on tevee. Gordon, Go Take a Nap! The only reason to watch tevee is the off-chance to hear someone say pu-pu platter. [Ahem.--Eds.] George Carlin will receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. George, that's Quite Nice. And when will Hal Linden win the John Wilkes Booth Prize for American Acting? [When will Imogene Coca win the Ruth Buzzi Award for American Treasure?--Eds.] |
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June 16, 2008The more you automate, the more can go automatically wrong. Chuck Berry says although John McCain used his song "Johnny B. Goode" during his campaign, he will be rooting for Barack Obama. Chuck, Go Take a Nap! If you don't support McCain, he'll never want to use "My Ding-a-Ling" in his campaign! [It might be best if their respective ding-a-lings got used less.--Eds.] Boy George will perform a free concert for the New York Sanitation Department's Family Day to thank them for when he did community service there. Boy George, that's Just Nice. But I'm not too sure you'd get a whole lot from them if you charged. [We would gladly pay two dollars.--Eds.] George Michael claims this year will mark the end of his big-arena gigs. George, that's Quite Nice. You and Boy George could get together and perform a free big-arena gig and finally get it all done with. [The juice is the game.--Eds.] And Prince William was beknighted, the 1,000th Royal Knight of the Garter overall. Prince William, that's Really Quite Nice. Now that you're a knight, you can ride around on horses and tell people what's what or they'll get a lance through their stomach, that's what's what. [It's not like that now.--Eds.] |
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June 9, 2008Viral video can make you sick.
Pete Wentz
celebrated his
29th
birthday but didn't drink because he didn't want to drink if his
wifey, Ashlee
Simpson-Wentz,
couldn't drink because she's pregnant with his
love-child.
Pete,
Go Take a Nap!
If you don't drink now, do you think it's going to be okay when
the baby is around and you have to hold it while you drink your
pousse-cafι?
[They make special straws for that now.--Eds.]
Samantha Geimer, who was the 13-year-old girl that Roman Polanski diddled 30 years ago, says she thinks Polanski should not get prison time and is not a threat to society. Samantha, that's Quite Nice. I hope you won't mind if I invite him to your children's birthday parties. [If he's dressed like a clown, we'll go.--Eds.] A statue of John Lennon in Havana is now guarded 24 hours a day because people keep stealing its glasses. John Lennon statue, Go Take a Nap! If you don't want anyone stealing your glasses, why didn't you have a pair carved into your face instead? [And maybe a nice top hat, too?--Eds.] |
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June 2, 2008Put the paddle in the water.
Christian Bale
wants to remind us all that he's not
Christian Slater.
Christian (Bale),
that's Just
Nice.
And I want to remind you all that I'm not
Jack Black.
[We're not the editors.--Eds.]
Yannick Noah said that it was not serious when his son, Joakim, was popped for possession of a joint. Yannick warned Joakim not to let it happen again. Yannick, Go Take a Nap! It is way serious when a joint is in your pants! Everyone knows you should smoke your joints before you leave your house! [We're not sure that's the right message to send.--Eds.] Ashlee Simpson is now Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. Ashlee, that's Just Nice. That makes it super-easy to go back to Ashlee Simpson when you get your divorce. [No, they exchanged vows for real and forever.--Eds.] Max Mosley, head of the International Motoring Federation, is suing News of the World for reporting that he had a "Nazi-style sex orgy" with five prostitutes. Max, that's Quite Nice. You should sue their pants off! And keep your pants on! And will someone please tell me what in the hell a "Nazi-style sex orgy" is? [We don't even wanna know.--Eds.] Eddie Murphy will return in Beverly Hills Cop IV. Eddie, Go Take a Nap! Why ruin such a perfect trilogy with a fourth movie which is so obviously a mad dash for cash? Don't you have any sense of aesthetics? [We believe they are going to make it for all the right reasons.--Eds.] Jaymes Foster, a music producer, is pregnant with Clay Aiken's seed, via artificial insemination. Clay, Go Take a Nap! Don't artificially inseminate women! It's not decent. You should man-up and pound yer pee-pee into her bugina until it happens all natural-like! [We're not sure this is the right message to send.--Eds.] |
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May 26, 2008Freedom delivery on its way.
Harrison Ford
got his chest waxed as some kind of promotion for the rain
forests of the world.
Harrison,
that's Just
Nice.
And will you shave your back to let us all know that
May
is Salad
Month?
[We manscaped our necks to promote Priapism Awareness
Month.--Eds.]
Clint Eastwood said he would not do any more Dirty Harry movies. Clint, Go Take a Nap! Nothing would please the American Going Public than seeing you fire a .45 revolver and crap your adult diapers from the recoil. [Make our diapers.--Eds.] George Takei, Mr. Sulu, will marry his longtime boyfriend in California. George, that's Quite Nice. In your honor, we will launch several missiles to where no man has gone before. [Meat missiles up the old dirt road.--Eds.] |
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May 19, 2008Talking about things that don't matter to people who don't care.
Due to the lack
of interesting celebrity shenanigans this week . . .
[This space intentionally left blank.] [This space left intentionally blank.] [This space left blank intentionally.] |
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May 12, 2008Ennui can be so boring.
Soccer star
Ronaldo
is very upset and he cried a lot about his run-in with
three transvestites.
He said he had no idea that the people he thought were female
prostitutes were actually male, er female, um, they were dudes
with schlongs dressed like women but they allegedly just wanted
to blackmail him for money.
Ronaldo,
Go Take a Nap!
Getting photographed with
three transvestites
isn't a big deal. It's a big deal when you get
photographed with
three transvestites
who are making you the
Lucky Pierre.
[If it's four transvestites, it's the doubly Lucky Pierre.--Eds.]
A two-year investigation into which skull is that of German poet Friedrich Schiller resulted in a big fat inconclusive conclusion. Two-year investigation, Go Take a Nap! If I spend two years trying to figure out which skull is a famous German poet, I expect results. [It's possible that his skull is being used for a bong somewhere.--Eds.] The DC Madam's suicide notes expressed her desire to die instead of going to prison. DC Madam, that's Just Nice. It's nice to see people practicing what they preach for once. [We're not sure that's the right message to send.--Eds.] Phillipe Quint left his $4Million violin in a cab, and the cabbie returned it. Phillipe, Go Take a Nap! You need to tie a string around your finger to remind you that you've left your violin in the cab! [What, no meat whistle joke?--Eds.] {Skin flute.--Jack Jackson} A portrait painting of Heath Ledger, painted just weeks before his death, won second place at some Australian art awards. Australian art awards, Go Take a Nap! Although I've not seen the portrait, I'm sure it deserved first place, and boy does Heath sure look creepy as The Joker and I don't feel like they're exploiting his death to make money. [Buy low, sell high.--Eds.] Alec Baldwin says he's not going to leave any more venom-filled voicemails for his daughter. Alec, that's Quite Nice. But if we don't have venom-filled voicemails, we don't appreciate the honey-filled voicemails. [We just called to say call us back.--Eds.] Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are reportedly very lovey-dovey and in each other's laps all the time on the set of High School Musical 3: The Crystal Skull's Around Here in My Locker Somewhere. Zac and Vanessa, Get a Room! Er. Go Take a Nap! [We like to see people knife fight.--Eds.] And NBC is going to sell figurines based on the Heroes characters. NBC, that's Just Nice. But you'll forgive me if I don't have enough room on my shelf next to my Elton John scented stone collection for your new gimmick. [Those still aren't stones.--Eds.] |
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May 5, 2008I don't want to be euthanized on the track.
[Note: Jack
Jackson is away this week. In his place is Billy
Halvorson, aged 9, who is a budding young gossip
columnist.--Eds.]
Hey! This is cool! I wanted to play more Funkeys but they said I had to write this column instead. The Editors said I have to write funny stuff about Roger Clemens, Miley Cyrus, and Amy Winehouse. I don't know who any of those people are! Well, okay. I know who Miley Cyrus is. She's Hannah Montana. My dad says she's a little whore who likes to pose nude. I'm not supposed to do that. Her show is boring. Roger Clemens is some famous baseball guy. The Editors said he cheated at baseball and cheated his wife. Dad says it's only cheating if you get caught. He also says you shouldn't waste the good tequila on blended margaritas. You're supposed to drink the good tequila by itself, and use the cheap stuff for the other drinks. He says I can't drink tequila until I'm older. That's fine with me. It smells! And dad said I have to eat the worm! Yuck! Amy Winehouse is some skinny singer with bad teeth who does drugs. I guess she didn't listen to the D.A.R.E. guy! Or Tommy the Tooth! Okay, I've gotta go. I need to earn some more Funkey money to open up the store where I can buy stuff. |
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April 28, 2008There is life on Mars, and they like our TV.
Enrique Iglesias
says that
Anna Kournikova
won't marry him, even after repeated proposals.
Enrique,
that's Just
Nice.
Apparently, you asking
Anna to marry
you gets the same results as you asking me to buy one of your
albums. [People change.--Eds.]
Daniel Radcliffe is publicly searching for a woman who stared at him all night at an awards party, hoping to get her number. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! If a girl stares at you all night, she's probably not dating material. Just think what going to a movie would be like, with her all staring at you all night. [We're into girls who stare all night.--Eds.] Isabella Rossellini is unsure that her short films about insect sex can make money online, because there is so much content out there for free. Isabella, Go Take a Nap! Of course short films about insect sex can make money. Just make sure the insects are wearing furry costumes and whiz on each other a lot and you'll make a mint. [It's called Bug Porn.--Eds.] |
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April 21, 2008How about instea |