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December 31, 2007—Get out and find the New Year before it finds you. Queen Elizabeth II has setup her very own YouTube channel, The Royal Channel - The Official Channel of the British Monarchy. Queen Elizabeth, Go Take a Nap! That channel name is, like, way too long. That would be like me setting up the Jack Jackson Channel - The Official Channel of Jack Jackson. [Will she set up an Xtube channel next?] {Or an English Channel?--Jack Jackson} Paris Hilton's grandfather will be leaving his $2.3 billion to a charitable foundation. Paris Hilton's grandfather, that's Just Nice. I know I'm probably not related to you, but I could use just a small portion of that $2.3 billion to finish my collection of scented stones. [Those still aren't stones.--Eds.] |
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December 24, 2007—It's always Christmas . . . somewhere. Nickelodeon is considering producing a sex and love informative special, potentially hosted by Linda Ellerbee. Nickelodeon, that's Just Nice. I'm sure no teenager will want to have sex and love after watching Linda Ellerbee talk about sex and love. [They couldn't get Phyllis Diller or Imogene Coca?--Eds.] William Shatner may still make a cameo in the new Star Trek movie, but the problem is that Captain Kirk died in Star Trek: Generations, and the new writers are worried a little bit about continuity. New writers, Go Take a Nap! Have you seen Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan? That movie is filled with continuity errors. For example, Chekov claims to have been on the Enterprise when Khan first meets him on Ceti Alpha Five, but Chekov had never met Khan before, because Chekov wasn't actually on the Enterprise during Khan's first visit during the TV episode with Khan. [We ignore the continuity errors in this column.--Eds.] Peter Jackson will direct The Hobbit, and probably a bunch of other fantasy crap, too. Peter, Go Take a Nap! If you make any more 220-minute fantasy epics, I'm going to have to roll a 20-sided die to do a Constitution Check, and I'm not sure I can make it. [Our intelligence just dropped a point.--Eds.] Warner Brothers will release a new and even more final cut of Blade Runner on DVD soon, more exact to Ridley Scott's editing specifications. Ridley Scott, Go Take a Nap! I'm not buying any more versions of Blade Runner on DVD because I have no room next to my exhaustive collection of all the versions of the Star Wars DVDs, laser discs, and tapes. [We would like to see a definitive version of Ghostbusters II.--Eds.] |
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December 17, 2007—When life gives you lemons, you sometimes have to eat lemons. [Hear this in a podcast format!]
Roger Clemens
is upset that his name was linked to steroids in the
Mitchell Report.
Oh, Really?
I though any press was good press. [He never inhaled--.Eds]
Alex Trebek had a heart attack, but he's doing better now. Alex, what is That's Quite Nice? I hope you take a break from work and let some other smug asshole try your job. [Jack Jackson would be perfect.--Eds.] An anonymous telephone bidder bought the original screenplay Orson Welles used while making Citizen Kane for $97,000. Anonymous telephone bidder, Go Take a Nap! You could've had, like, 194,000 tacos instead. [Or possibly 388,000 tacos on cheap taco night.--Eds.] Walgreens has decided not to press charges against Shia LeBeouf for being stinky drunk at the Miracle Magnificent Merchandise Mile Chicago store around 2:30am. Walgreens, that's Really Quite Nice. I just hope you extend the same courtesy to me the next time I'm ripped at one of your stores trying to find the Funyuns. [Don't forget the Sixlets.--Eds.] Britney Spears is now the number one prayed-for celebrity at the Hollywood Prayer Network, a group of over 5,000 Christians who pray for various celebrities. Hollywood Prayer Network, that's Just Nice. But it looks like your prayers are sort of making things worse right now for Britney, so maybe you should hold off your prayers until she starts doing better. |
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December 10, 2007—People need to start expecting less. [Hear this in a podcast format!]
Will Smith
got in trouble at a
Tokyo
news conference for giving away the ending of
I am Legend.
Will,
Go Take a Nap!
I don't want you to ruin the ending for me. I want to be
totally surprised when the ending leaves me surprised,
satisfied, and hopeful for a new and brighter tomorrow. [You
could just read the book.--Eds.]
Amy Winehouse's
mom is
worried about
Amy,
and she publicly told the world so in a letter to a
British newspaper.
Amy
Winehouse's mom,
that's Quite
Nice. Now
instead of a letter campaign about your coked-up, whacked-out
daughter, try giving her a phone call, and say something like:
"Honey, when you do cocaine, rub your nose afterwards so no one
sees the powder in there. And keep your clothes on in public."
[Her lack of clothing in public is a cry for help.--Eds.]
Billy Joel
wrote an anti-war song called
Christmas in
Fallujah.
Billy,
that's Just
Nice. I'm
guessing more things rhyme with
Fallujah
than Baghdad,
Mosul,
Umm Qasr,
and As
Sulaymaniyah.
[Christmas in An Nasiriyah would have been a good song.--Eds.]
Brad Pitt
wants New
Orleans to
build 150
"affordable and environmentally friendly homes."
Brad,
that's Quite
Nice. But I
want New
Orleans to
build 151
affordable and environmentally friendly homes, and that makes
me
better than
you. [We, of
course, have been pushing for 152 affordable and environmentally
friendly homes.--Eds.]
|
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December 3, 2007—It gets cold when you don't run the heat.
Tila Tequila
is not bisexual, nor even gay. She has a boyfriend. She is also
difficult to work with on the set of her
MTV
unreality show.
Oh, Really?
Next you'll tell me her name's not really
Tila Tequila.
[Her real name is Whitney Whiskey.--Eds.]
The
Food Network
is axing Emeril
Live!
Food Network,
that's Just
Nice. But how
will you ever fill that time slot with such fresh programming
every night? [They'll use only the freshest of vegetables.--Eds.]
|
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November 26, 2007—Now all the food's gone.
Willie Nelson
supports a new tougher anti-dogfighting bill in the
Georgia Legislature.
Willie,
that's Quite Nice.
Maybe next you'll support bills against land mines, child
pornography, higher gas prices, and human sacrifice. [We're against
mediocre Indian food.--Eds.]
The Eagles
were going to retire, but then they made another damn album.
Oh, Really?
Because I was going to retire, too, and then I wrote another damn
column. [We were going to retire, but then Jack Jackson wrote another
damn column.--Eds.]
The
Munchkins
of The Wizard of
Oz got their own
star on the
Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Hollywood Walk of
Fame,
Go Take a Nap!
What's next? A star for the
C.H.U.D.?
The piranha from
Piranha Part Two: The Spawning?
The Baby Ruth
bar from
Caddyshack? [We
think the flying monkeys deserved a star first.--Eds.]
Jonathan Rhys Meyers
was arrested at
Dublin Airport
for being drunk in public and breaching the peace.
Jonathan,
Go Take a Nap!
You get drunk before your flight so you can sleep through it and
wake up when you get there. Getting drunk and yelling a bunch is
just classless. [And a little crass, too.--Eds.]
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November 19, 2007—If you want ice in your veins, you better eat a lot of ice.
This space
intentionally left blank in honor of all the bread crumbs and hams
about to give their lives so that we can gain weight and wear
sweatpants and Crocs.
|
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November 12, 2007—I'll stop worrying about money when I get a bunch of money.
Michael Feinstein
wrote a song called
Making Magic
especially for 600
children who will
start off the
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Michael,
that's Just Nice.
But I wrote a song for
700 children
to open up the parade called
Who Gives a Shit?
[Ours is for 1,000 children, and we're calling it "Parades are Totally
Sweet, Dude."--Eds.]
Britney Spears
must provide a drug
lab a "single,
working telephone number" for drug tests.
Drug lab,
Go Take a Nap!
Britney
doesn't have a working telephone number because she doesn't work. Try
her home number instead. [She's too busy parenting to bother with
drug tests.--Eds.]
Michael Jackson
ignores all the tabloid stories about him, he said.
Jacko,
that's Just Nice.
But I'd read them if I were you, so then you know about all the whacky
stuff you do and what people think about it. [We think he's crying
out for help.--Eds.]
More people downloaded
Radiohead's
new album for free than paid for it.
Oh, Really?
What's up with the people who paid for it? Don't they like free? [We
like money.--Eds.]
Julia Roberts
dreams of being a stay-at-home mom.
Julia,
that's Quite Nice.
If you give me some of your money, or all of it, you can stay at home
and raise some kids, and I'll give you some monthly stipends now and
then, and it'll be like I'm a
fairy godmother,
because I'll have granted you your wish, and you'll start to believe
in magical things, and I'll come around with a magical wand and bonk
you on the head with it a few times a day and say, "Bing! Your wish
is granted!" [We dream of being stay-at-home editors.--Eds.]
Shia LeBeouf
was arrested at the
Michigan Ave. Walgreens
in Chicago
for being drunk and not leaving when asked at
2:30am.
Shia,
Go Take a Nap!
Everyone's drunk in that
Walgreens
at 2:30am,
and when they ask you to leave, just leave. [We prefer to be drunk at
the CVS up in Ravenswood.--Eds.]
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November 5, 2007—There are no small Manhattans.
Amy Winehouse
won the Artists'
Choice Award at the
MTV Europe Music
Awards, and when she
accepted the award, she said, "um" and "thanks."
Amy,
Go Take a Nap!
That was your big chance to thank everyone you know for everything
you've got!
The
FBI
knew of O.J.
Simpson's plot to
steal back his memorabilia three weeks before he tried it. He
apparently had plans to film the whole ordeal for
tevee.
O.J.,
Go Take a Nap!
I'm going to have to add another
Rule
to Jack Jackson's
Rules of Happiness: Don't Televise Your Burglaries!
[We'd watch a burglary.--Eds.]
Speaking of unreality
tevee,
the tevee
stations are gearing up the unreality
tevee
shows for when the writers strike. Um. Er.
Tevee
stations, Go Take a
Nap! You need those
writers for the unreality shows just as much as the other stuff, don't
you? [The unreality shows are gonna really suck after the writers
strike.--Eds.]
Drew Carey
defended medicinal marijuana this week for the
Reason Foundation.
Reason Foundation,
Go Take a Nap!
Do you think state legislators are going to change their mind just
because Drew Carey
likes to get high? You need to get a celebrity with some greater
stature, like Hal
Linden,
Imogene Coca,
or Paul Lynde.
[Our generation called it medicinal grass.--Eds.]
Britney Spears
said the world can be cruel.
Britney,
that's Just Nice.
It sounds like you've learned a thing or two recently and you're really
growing as a person, and indeed, the world can be cruel. That's why
there's drugs and alcohol. [We think she knows about drugs and
alcohol.--Eds.]
Carl Bernstein
called current public affairs journalism inadequate, blaming celebrity
news that has created an "idiot culture."
Carl,
Go Take a Nap!
What in the hell is wrong with you? A culture without celebrity news is
no culture at all. [Amen.--Eds.]
Oh, and
Jane Seymour
got food poisoning this week.
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October 29, 2007—Green tea has the right name.
William Shatner was
shocked to learn
Leonard Nimoy, but not
Shatner
himself, would be a part of the new
Star Trek
movie. He can't believe it because it was a decision to not use his
popularity.
Shatner,
Go Take a Nap!
There's been a lot of movies made that don't have you in them, and some of
them did quite alright. For example, you weren't in
American Pyscho 2,
and it was a hit. [Um. He actually was in that movie.--Eds.]
{Oh, right.--Jack Jackson}
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October 22, 2007—Turn the boat around.
J.K. Rowling said that
Professor Dumbledore
is gay. J.K.,
that's Just Nice.
But couldn't you have told me a little earlier so I could have made more
jokes about magic wands and broomsticks? [What about Mordekainen's
Magical Oily Fist?--Eds.] {How many hit dice do you have?--Jack Jackson}
[Would you rather have a wand that could kill, or a ring that could
heal?--Eds.]
Jackie Chan
said budding action stars shouldn't look up to him and that they should
try to be themselves.
Jackie,
Go Take a Nap!
Every action star should look up to you so we can get more scenes of
people being beat up with
sundry accoutrements.
[Or variegated knick knacks?--Eds.]
The Writers Guild of
America approved a
strike if they don't come to satisfactory renewal terms at the end of October.
Writers Guild of
America,
Go Take a Nap!
Do you really think anyone cares if you stop writing all that crap for tevee
and film? [We want to know how Prison Break will end.--Eds.]
Amy Winehouse
got caught with pot. Oh,
Really? She doesn't
seem like the gateway-drug type. [She was just holding it for a friend.--Eds.]
Nas
says his new album will be called
Nigga,
which is considered less offensive than
Nigger.
Nas,
that's Quite Nice.
But if you really want to be considerate, why not call the album something
like African-American
Person? [Some of our
best friends are African-American Persons.--Eds.]
Francis Ford Coppola
said Robert De Niro,
Al Pacino,
and Jack Nicholson
have all become apathetic.
Francis,
Go Take a Nap!
You haven't directed a good movie since
Apocalypse Now!
I mean, have you actually sat and watched
The Godfather: Part III
or Jack?
[We tend to get apathetic editing this column.--Eds.]
Famous entertainer dogs will get a
Walk of Fame
in London.
London,
that's Just Nice.
[When will we get a star on the Editor's Walk of Fame?--Eds.] {When you
earn it.--Jack Jackson.}
Speaking of stars,
Ricky Martin got a star
on the Hollywood Walk
of Fame.
Hollywood Walk of Fame,
Go Take a Nap!
You need a little more quality control on who gets a star. And while
you're at it, where's my star? [You'll get one when you earn one.--Eds.]
And the life-sized, anatomically correct
chocolate
Jeebus
returns to a New York
display October 27.
Chocolate
Jeebus,
that's Quite Nice.
But there should be some cherry glaze to represent all the blood.
[Chocolate idols are false idols.--Eds.]
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October 15, 2007—Put the boat in the water.
Roger Moore
finally received his star on the
Hollywood Walk of Fame
this week. Roger,
that's Quite Nice. Too
bad it's 34 years
late in coming, since
Live and Let Die came out
in 1973.
[We still like Sean Connery's star better.--Eds.] {George Lazenby's star is
actually critically acclaimed but was never a popular favorite.--Jack
Jackson.}
Regis Philbin
will host a $1million
version of Password.
Regis,
Go Take a Nap!
What's next? A $1million
version of the $64
Question? [Good one.--Eds.]
Drew Carey
claims his whole life has led up to being a "super game-show host of the
21st century." Drew,
Go Take a Nap!
You couldn't game-show host your way out of a wet paper bag. The only
person whose life is climaxing into the super game-show host of the 21st
century is that of yours truly,
Jack Jackson.
[We'll take egotists for $64, Jack.--Eds.]
Jackie Chan's son,
Jaycee,
says he wants his own career path, that he doesn't want to be an action
star. Jaycee,
Go Take a Nap!
You just ride your dad's coattails and be happy. There's a lot of money,
drugs, and sex that way. [Our parents were editors.--Eds.]
And speaking of drugs:
Tom Sizemore
says he's done with drugs.
Tom,
that's Really Quite Nice.
Just remember, when you're at a party with a bunch of drugs, you can't do 'em
anymore, or else we'll all call you a big fat liar. [We're abstaining from
drugs so we can go on a job hunt.--Eds.] {You can work at places that don't
do drug tests.--Jack Jackson.} [Obviously.--Eds.]
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October 8, 2007—Pile stuff up, move it around.
China
wants tevee and film to get rid of "unnecessary and lengthy" smoking
scenes. China,
Go Take a Nap!
Unnecessary smoking scenes are absolutely essential to any good tevee or
film. [We like lengthy smoking scenes because they take us back to a
different era.--Eds.]
Britney Spears
got herself a temporary
California driver's
license. Britney,
that's Just Nice.
Maybe someday temporary can become permanent. [You only need the temporary
license if you only temporarily drive.--Eds.]
An
asteroid was named 7307
Takei after
George Takei.
Asteroid 7307 Takei,
that's Quite Nice.
But don't you think
Asteroid 7307 George has
a better ring to it? [How about Asteroid 7307 Jack Jackson?--Eds.]
Evander Holyfield
has entered the indoor-grills-pimped-by-heavyweight-boxers market, with his
Real Deal Grill.
Evander,
Go Take a Nap!
We only need one option when it comes to boxer-pimped indoor grills. [We
make tuna puffs in ours.--Eds.]
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October 1, 2007—It's all about integrity
and ethics and doing things "The Right Way." Jackie Chan says the Rush Hour movies disappoint him because he doesn't get the American sense of humor and the action sequences are too American and he only did Rush Hour 3 on account of an "irresistible" amount of cash. Jackie, that's Just Nice. I mean, hey, I'd sell out if I could and use that money to generate more selling-out opportunities for myself, and then I'd like to get a bathtub full of hundred-dollar bills and roll around in it and laugh like a maniac and then blog about it, about how I never really liked selling out, but the money was irresistible. [We like irresistible amounts of money.--Eds.] Speaking of cash, Oprah Winfrey is now the richest celebrity, for the third time. Oprah, that's Quite Nice. But now that you're the richest celebrity, isn't it all downhill from there? [Maybe she could help us sell out?--Eds.] Francis Ford Coppola had a backup computer stolen that had years of photographs and writing, and he wants it back. Francis, Go Take a Nap! Back your shit up! Burn it onto DVDs and tapes! Get a USB keychain drive! [How about an external hard drive or offsite, online storage?--Eds.] |
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September
24, 2007—I'm sorry but, your _____________
is _____________. Kevin Costner, for a small fee, is now asking Omaha to keep the College World Series at Rosenblatt Stadium, but Omaha has plans for a nice new stadium. Kevin, Go Take a Nap! Don't you like nice new stadiums? And do you really know what's good for Omaha just because you were in some baseball movies? [We know what's good for Omaha and we've starred in exactly zero baseball movies.--Eds.] Rodney Dangerfield's wife is trying to stop a producer from editing down and showing 200 hours of film of Rodney in the last couple years of his life while he was in poor health. Rodney Dangerfield's wife, Go Take a Nap! Now I have to add another rule to Jack Jackson's Rules of Happiness: Don't let someone film your sick-ass husband as he withers away for two years. [It could be a rather moving film.--Eds.] Justin Timberlake supports Britney Spears, but he hasn't talked to her "in a long time" and he doesn't know why she has been acting so strange lately. Justin, Go Take a Nap! She's acting strange because she's a drugged-out alcoholic! [We think the money and success went to her head.--Eds.] Dan Rather says that big corporations and big governments have too much influence over the news. Oh, Really? And Lee Greenwood said it wasn't his fault that he had to cancel a recent Denver concert. He was promised $20,000, but the concert organizer only paid $14,000. Lee, Go Take a Nap! You're lucky you get any guarantees at all! Just take the money and sing. [He's proud to be somewhere where at least he knows he's free.--Eds.] |
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September
17, 2007—The universe is bounded by your
creativity. Not a whole lot happened last week, but here's one item of note: Kanye West said that MTV and its VMAs exploited Britney Spears just for ratings and they knew she wasn't ready to perform. Oh, Really? |
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September
10, 2007—By 2112, every two-word English
phrase will have a dirty meaning. Disney is standing by Vanessa Hudgens, who just happened to have some nudie pix of her (taken by herself) appear everywhere on the Interwebs all at once. Disney called it an obvious "lapse in judgment" and told her that if she'd read Go Take a Nap! more often, she'd know Jack Jackson's Rule Five of Happiness: Don't film your sex. [She didn't film it, per se, but just took some stills.--Eds.] MTV will air a show where Tila Tequila will get to pick from sixteen men and sixteen women to date. MTV, Go Take a Nap! Why force a decision? Just have 'em all do sexstasy and pile up. [That would not be even thinkable if Eisenhower were still President.--Eds.] Brad Pitt said being a father is fun, but it also keeps him from getting much sleep. Oh, Really? A study suggested that rock stars die younger than, er, non-rock stars. Oh, Really? Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg won an Emmy for their video "Dick in a Box." That's Just Nice. |
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September
3, 2007—Glo-Toobs have many uses. Pete Seeger recently wrote a song in protest of Josef Stalin. The lyrics include such scathing bon mots as "I'm singing about old Joe, cruel Joe. He ruled with an iron hand." Pete, Go Take a Nap! That song's, oh, about sixty years late, isn't it? [We're working on a song protesting Vlad the Impaler. We'll be singing about old Vlad, mean old Vlad, who ruled with an iron impaling thing.--Eds.] Andy Dick exhibited some crass behavior at a comedy club last week, including peeing on "at least one person" and on the bathroom floor. Andy, Go Take a Nap! If you're having trouble finding the turlet, you need to go outside and find a nice bush to pee on. [Peeing on people is better than pooping on people.--Eds.] The burning man at Burning Man got burnt-up four days before the traditional end of the festival. Burning man at Burning Man, Go Take a Nap! Stop burning up too soon! Now they'll need to make a whole 'nother burning man. [They could just rent the Wicker Man and project it onto a sheet.--Eds.] The Chinese government is concerned that the massive influx of U.S. American talent shows, such as American Idol, is deteriorating their tevee standards. Oh, Really? |
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August 27, 2007—How are you using your Glo-Toob? According
to an AP and MTV poll, white people ages 13-24 are generally happier than their
minority counterparts. Oh, Really?
Are they sure they don’t want to recheck their math? You know, some of my best friends are 13-24 minority counterparts and they seem
super happy all the time. [We know of
at least one very, very happy 13-24 minority counterpart who is generally very
happy, on a scale from one to ten.—Eds.] Roger Ebert, who is in contract negotiations with Disney-ABC for the show At the Movies, has told the show that they cannot use
his copyrighted thumbs
up-thumbs down
rating system until they get the contract settled. Ebert,
Go Take a Nap!
You copyrighted a goddamn thumb gesture? Then again, you are my favorite movie
reviewer and I hope you stick it to Disney for everything they’ve got. [Maybe he should put his thumb where the sun
don’t shine?—Eds.] Lindsay Lohan must face one grueling day in jail as
part of her plea on DUI and cocaine charges. Lindsay,
that’s Just Nice.
I’m sure after 24 hours in jail, you will have made lots of
friends, and learned many new things. [She’ll be able to hotwire her car and make shivs out of sporks.—Eds.] Stressed out opera singers are turning to drugs and alcohol to make all the pain of life go away. Oh, Really? Because I thought they just sang their pain away. [They should whistle while they work.—Eds.] |
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August 20, 2007--Can I just win the
lottery already? NBC's Today show is expanding to four hours. Today show, that's Just Nice. But now I'm going to have to
get up an hour earlier just to catch up on all the important news of the
day! [We just DVR it all.--Eds.] J.K. Rowling is working on a detective novel.
J.K., that's Just Nice. Will the plot involve the
detective trying to figure out how you're spending all your money?
[Maybe it will be a mystery about a wand what can kill or a ring what can
heal?--Eds.] Ethan Hawke says it's not easy being in a
celebrity marriage, that it can be rough when your spouse's
career is on the rise and yours is on the fall. Ethan, Go Take a Nap! Why don't you take all your whine and cheese on some unreality tevee show and then we can watch you cry at
night because you're a waning star. [Maybe a waning gibbous star?--Eds.] R. Kelly's sequels to Trapped in a Closet are arriving at a store near you
soon. R.
Kelly, that's Quite Nice. We need more of your stylings of people trapped in closets. [We'll take
some more Kidz Bop, too.--Eds.] Gwen Stefani says she wants to have more
children. Gwen, that's Just Nice. Go have some more. [If
she had one, she knows how to get another one.--Eds.] |
|
August 13, 2007--I made a
sandwich. I made it for you. Rush Hour 3 was this weekend's number one box
office draw. American
Going Public, Go Take a Nap! If you keep paying to see this
crap, they'll keep making it. [We like fish-out-of-water-buddy-cop
stuff.--Eds.] Ricky Martin wants to adopt kids,
and he'd really like to adopt "one from each continent." Ricky, Go Take a Nap! You can't adopt a kid from every continent. Who
are you going to adopt from Ellen Pompeo, 37, says young celebrities are setting bad examples for girls,
specifically talking about |
|
August 6, 2007--We drink a lot of beer
because we buy a lot of beer. China will not allow Rush Hour 3 to play in China, according to the China Film Group. Two thousand people showed up to blow kazoos in an
attempt to set a world record for most kazoos played at once. But they
didn't get enough people there. Apparently the record is in the 2,600 range, and it was previously 1,791. Kazooers, Go Take a Nap! All you have to do to break that stupid record is hand
out kazoos at a baseball game and then have everyone kazoo the National Anthem. [That would be disrespectful to
our country and it's anthem because the kazoo is not
a respectable instrument.--Eds.] DMX didn't fulfill his end of a contract
to promote dog clothing, and had to cough up $242,000. DMX, Go Take a Nap! You need to make sure every dog has some awesome clothes
on and make sure the clothes are super-expensive. [Dogs shouldn't wear
clothes. They have hair.--Eds.] |
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July 30, 2007--There is an out there. CBS did it. They replaced Bob Barker with Drew Carey, and they didn't even call me for an
interview. CBS, Go Take a Nap! You know I'd do a better job than Drew, but you just didn't want me to be
happy. [At least Rosie won't be putting around the set.--Eds.] Leonard Nimoy will play Spock once again in the upcoming 2008 movie, Star Trek XI: Something Something. Leonard, that's Just Nice. But maybe you could break out
of your typecasting and play someone else for a change, like an evil Romulan. [There are Klingons
on Uranus.--Eds.] Disney will eliminate all smoking in its
films from now on. Disney,
that's Quite Nice. Nothing is more upsetting to me
than when Dumbo chain smokes the whole time and gets the Seven Dwarves hooked and then they leave a butt
burning in the forest what kills Bambi.
[Pluto has been doing chew for decades.--Eds.]
And Britney
Spears' dog shat on
a $6,700 gown during a photo shoot for a
magazine. Britney
Spears' dog, Go Take a Nap! You need to save that shit for
the $12,000 gowns! [You could shit in a
toilet.--Eds.] {The modern toilet was a great mistake.--Jack Jackson} |
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July 23, 2007--It's the answer to a
question not yet asked.
Not much fun happened this week in the world of celebrity. I do want to
note that CBS has not yet picked a replacement for Bob Barker, and they're in talks with Drew Carey. CBS, Go Take a Nap! I sent you my resume like three weeks ago! When's
my interview? [Maybe they're looking for someone who's worked with
something high-tech, you know, some experience.--Eds.] |
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July 16, 2007--This is Berwyn, Illinois is losing Car Kabob, a large metal rod with eight cars
skewered on it. Walgreens will be taking its place. The sculpture could be moved,
but the cost of moving it would "likely be high." Car Kabob, Go Take a Nap! It shouldn't cost too much to move you! You are a
car sculpture! Just drive somewhere else. [Transformers are real
and they are here and they are going to destroy our planet.--Eds.]
Cops will begin its 20th season on Fox. Cops, Go Take a Nap! Now I need to find extra room on my DVD shelving system for another damn box
set. [Season ten episode #377 with the paint huffer
was the most rememberable.--Eds] Daniel Radcliffe is not wild,
and he says he won't go wild even though he thinks that's what the media
wants. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! You run around horses naked onstage in front of
strangers, and you say you're not wild? [That was high
art.--Eds.] Just call up ole fire-crotch Lohan or Britney
Spears and they can
show you how to really go wild. Paul Shaffer is working on a book of memoirs.
Er, or is it a memoir book? [A book of
memories?--Eds.] Paul,
that's Just Nice. But you'll have to pardon me
when I don't order it online or pre-order it, or even buy it at a bookstore
or check it out from my local library. ["Remember when . . .
?"--Eds.] Rob Lowe wants tax breaks for hybrid
cars. Rob, that's Just Nice. I would like tax breaks for tacos,
booze, and tapes. |
|
July 9, 2007--I've been there.
Have you been here? Britney Spears apologized on her website for
attacking a photographer's car with her umbrella four months ago. Britney, that's Quite Nice. But instead of apologizing four
months late, why not just go attack some more cars with umbrellas? Then
you could just post on your website that you're batshit nutz and it'd be all super cool. [You
should attack cars with golf clubs, not umbrellas.--Eds.] Afroman is making a movie, a parody of Waiting to Exhale, called . . . Waiting to Inhale. Afroman, Go Take a Nap! We get it that you smoke tons of gallons of jars of pot
already. [Maybe Jim Brewer will be in this new movie?--Eds.]
Congratulations to Joey Chestnut, who brought home, er, beat the wily Kobayashi, um . . . you know. Joey ate 66 hotdogs in twelve minutes. Kobayashi at a mere 63. Joey, that's Really Quite Nice. But how many turds did you create? [Those are scented
stones.--Eds.]
|
|
July 2, 2007--Being unemployed feels
like a million bucks...without the million bucks.
ABC ordered another 18 episodes of According to Jim. ABC, Go Take a Nap! Stop encouraging him! [Now we completists
will have to buy another DVD box set.--Eds.] {He must have a good
agent.--Jack Jackson} Rosie O'Donnell now says she would not replace Bob Barker. Rosie, that's Really Quite Nice. You see, you could never
replace Bob Barker. On the other hand, I still
haven't had my interview yet, and I'm waiting patiently. [Get Jim Belushi's agent.--Eds.] Isaiah Washington, after being fired from Grey's Anatomy and after calling co-star T. R. Knight a faggot, claims racism was involved
in his firing, that he was not willing to act like a submissive black man
saying "Yessah, |
|
June 25, 2007--Might as well just start
wearin' sweatpants. Cameron Diaz upset Prince William turned 25 and finally gets his mum's cash.
The interest payments are estimated at at least $500K per year. Prince William, that's Just Nice. Don't spend it all in one
place. [He could if he wanted to. Then he could wait until next
year and spend it all in another place.--Eds.] Pete Doherty said he'll marry Kate Moss if he can get off drugs. I guess
Pete Doherty won't be marrying Kate Moss. Bob Barker now says that he never endorsed Rosie O'Donnell for host of The Price is Right, just that she could do the job.
Bob, Go Take a Nap! You know she couldn't do the job. She doesn't know
the price of anything! [A cynic is someone who know
the price of everything but the value of nothing.--Eds.] Wes Craven sued Pauly Shore after Pauly redid his yard, pool, and spa.
Apparently, water runoff caused subsidence in Wes' land and now he's super-pissed. Pauly, Go Take a Nap! You can't go ruining your neighbors
yards just because you want a new pool! And don't mess with Wes Craven. He'll put creepy people under
your stairs. [And then he'll film it.--Eds.] |
|
June 18, 2007--Get on the dole, get
some money back. A
prescription bottle of pills for Elvis Presley sold for $2,640
at an auction last week. The catch? There weren't even any pills
in it. Prescription bottle of pills for Elvis Presley, Go Take a Nap! If you're going up for auction, you should have some
pills in you! [Drugs are a dead end.--Eds.] Bob Barker said Rosie O'Donnell could replace him as host of The Price is Right. Bob, Go Take a Nap! Are you trying to handpick a terrible successor just to
make yourself look good? [It worked for Augustus Caesar.--Eds.]
I'd rather eat my own hat than watch Rosie O'Donnell wield the long stick
microphone. [Sometimes a long stick microphone is just a long stick
microphone.--Eds.] Kelly Clarkson canceled her summer tour, most likely
because ticket sales are low. And maybe ticket sales are low because no
one really wants to see her sing on tour. And maybe no one really wants
to see her sing on tour because, well, she's sort of not really American audiences' cup of tea right now.
[Maybe she will become a cup of tea.--Eds.] Britney Spears' mom said Britney is "just figuring things
out." That's Just Nice. Give us a call when she's got things figured out.
Maybe we can turn it into a teachable moment. [We'll take it pass/fail.--Eds.] Paris Hilton said she won't act dumb anymore, and
that when she was acting dumb, she was just putting on an act. Oh, Really? Because sometimes it's hard to
tell when you're acting, |
|
June 11, 2007--I don't like steamed
dough. It
is believed that Jeffrey Katzenberg said he'd produce some more Shrek movies. Jeffrey, that's Just Nice. What this world needs right now
is more Shrek movies. [Will someone please produce more Flesh Gordon
movies?--Eds.] Bob Barker retired and filmed his last show, but
said he'd film more if CBS
doesn't have a replacement in time. Bob, Go Take a Nap! You better really retire so I can have your job.
[We sent them our resume, too.--Eds.] {You guys don't stand a chance.--Jack
Jackson.} Alex Trebek said being the host of Jeopardy! is still fun
for him. Oh,
Really? Being
smug with all the right answers, er, questions, is
fun for you? [Editing this column is not still fun for us.--Eds.] Pat Boone tells all in his new book. Pat, that's Just Nice. I think I'll pass,
though. I've got some corns
to pick off my feet instead. Roy Scheider is selling his
|
|
June 4, 2007--It's tough being a
celebrity. Rosie O'Donnell's upcoming memoir will not be vindictive
or mean-spirited. Oh, Really? I guess I won't be reading it then. [We like it
when celebrities fight.--Eds.] Inmates were already mad at
|
|
May 28, 2007--Trade in the old stuff
for new stuff.
After an on-air fight on The View, Rosie
O'Donnell said she
may never speak to Elisabeth
Hasslebeck again. Oh, Really? Maybe we can get Rosie to fight everyone on-air and then we won't have to hear her
speak ever again. [What about talking to dogs?--Eds.] Lindsay Lohan sped, jumped a curb, and then got
caught with a "usable amount" of cocaine, and she's still 20. Lindsay, Go Take a Nap! How can you possibly get caught with a "usable
amount" of cocaine? All Joaquin Phoenix doesn't like watching himself in his
movies. Oh,
Really? I
don't either. Paul Newman said he's too old for acting. Paul, Go Take a Nap! No one is ever too old for acting. All you have
to do is yell and jump and point at stuff. [And wear a funny
hat.--Eds.] Johnny Depp said he'd maybe play Jack Sparrow in a fourth pirate movie. Oh, Really? You mean you maybe like money
and you maybe want more? [We'd rather have two dollars instead of
one.--Eds.] |
|
May 21, 2007--I'm not gonna eat it if you're gonna
eat it. CBS celebrated Bob Barker's 50 years on tevee with some mega-big-buck, prime time
special edition of The
Price is Right.
CBS, that's Really Quite Nice. But I still haven't gotten any
phone calls about replacing Bob
yet. CBS, Go Take a Nap! I'm perfect to replace Bob. I love animals, I like having $500 bills in my pockets, and I love it when huge
Samoan women tackle me. [That's called
"crush videos."--Eds.] Anna Nicole's diary warns "Don't Read!! Personall" to any potential reader.
Oops. I guess that wasn't a strong enough warning because the AP paid for excerpts. Details
including liking rough sex and being excited about plastic surgery for her tits. There are many grammar and
spelling errors, too. Anna Nicole, Go
Take a Nap!
Good grammar and spelling is vital and necessarily for personall
diary. [We like rough sex, and we want people to know that.--Eds.] Steven W. Bailey, an actor on Grey's Anatomy, fled not one, but two, fire zones in
Jon "Bowzer"
Baumann of Sha Na Na is lobbying states to help protect old
bands from ripoff lookalikes.
Bowzer, Go Take a Nap! I'm not sure, but I think the market for Sha Na Na ripoff bands
is sort of in its waning
gibbous
stage. [Are you sure its not in the waning
crescent?--Eds.] |
|
May 7, 2007--Everything is still going
just fine, thank you. Someone bid $10,000,000 for an autographed "version"
of the General Lee, used in a Dukes of Hazzard movie. Someone, Go Take a Nap! Just think how many tacos that could buy! [Yeah, and think
about taco Tuesday.--Eds.] Lindsay Lohan plans to celebrate her 21st birthday big and in style. Oh, Really? I guess it's important to
celebrate that she'll finally be old enough to drink. Way to go, Lindsay! You made it! You go
girl! [We hope she takes her initiation into alcohol very seriously.--Eds.] Ashlee Simpson is very confident in the way she
looks. Ashlee, that's Just Nice. Courtney Love will sell off some of Curt Cobain's shit, like his clothes and
stuff. Courtney, that's Just Nice. Sell it all. Then you
won't have it anymore, and in exchange, you'll get money. With the money, you can go out and buy different
shit. |
|
April 30, 2007--Now that it's getting
warmer here, we can take off some our clothes. Natalie Portman advocated microloans to the poor women of the world.
She said that a microloan helps a poor single mother because she can then afford to
start a business out of her home and still be with her kids. Natalie, that's Quite Nice. I can see it now: a microloan for every single mother, and then a
flood of online scrapbooking stores. [What about beads?--Eds.] Sheryl Crow, in an effort to combat global warming, suggested people be limited to one square of toilet paper per visit, and two or three squares on "pesky occasions." Sheryl, Go Take a Nap! When I get the beer shitz, it's more than just a "pesky
occasion" and I need at least 24 squares of toilet paper to solve it. Sometimes more.
Sometimes less. [We propose offering poor women of the world
"micro toilet paper."--Eds.] |
|
April 23, 2007--Do what Oprah tells you
to do. Rich Little did the White House Correspondents Dinner last week, a full twenty-three years after he did it the first time. Rich, that's Just Nice. I guess it took you that long
to come up with fresh material. [Or not.--Eds.] I'm also guessing
there wasn't a single person eating who didn't have a little milk or whatever
shooting out their noses at your dead-on imitation of Imogene Coca.
After years and years of me writing letters, Erik Estrada finally got himself a star on the Bono and The Edge are working on music and lyrics for a Broadway musical about Spiderman. Bono and The Edge, Go Take a Nap! What, are you going to do Batman on the Roof next? [We'd pay to see
that.--Eds.] Lindsay Lohan says she felt safe in rehab, but she
does not consider herself an addict. Lindsay, Go Take a Nap! You don't go to rehab when you have a passing fancy with
drugs and alcohol. You go to rehab because you're an addict. So
stop shitting yourself. A
new Charles
Dickens theme park
will open near
And Walt Disney will offer wedding dresses based upon
some of its characters' dresses, like Ariel, Cinderella, and Jasmine. Oh, Really? Because I can't think of a more
precious marriage than that time we all dressed up like Disney characters and then got tattoos of Mickey Mouse on our asses. |
|
April 16, 2007--Take your old stuff and
throw it away and get new stuff.
Not much exciting happened this week in the world of celebrity, but I'd like
to take the time to honor one unreality celebrity for having an awesome last
few months:
Yes, that's none other than Jason Wahler, unreality tevee star of such
compelling shows like
First, he's 20 years old and he has a problem with
getting arrested. Most recently, just last weekend, he punched a hotel
guard and then passed out in a hallway reeking of alcohol. When he came
to, Mister Wahler called the arresting officer a faggot and nigger repeatedly,
and said he was rich and would have the officer's ass. Whoa! Mister Wahler! Calm down. Just because
you're rich doesn't mean you can have an officer's ass. You usually
have to earn it in more meaningful ways. And second, being rich doesn't
mean you can be a racist, although I'm sure it helps. And the strangest
part about the arrest is that the officer isn't even black. So, Mister Wahler, if you're going to pull the race
card, at least get your racist slurs right. Oh, and stop calling people
faggot, especially if you want to procure some officer ass.
But this is Mister
Wahler's third arrest since September 2006! In September 2006, he punched a city worker and a
tow-truck driver in
And his arrest in March was for underage drinking and
resisting a public officer. Whew! Mister Wahler! You've had a busy past few
months! You should slow it down a bit and go on vacation with Mel Gibson. |
|
April 9, 2007--Buy more stuff, put it
somewhere. On
April 28, 2007, a rocket will zoom out into space and
disperse a few grams of the ashes of some 200 people, for only $495 per person. But on that rocket
will be some ashes of James Doohan, only also known as Scotty from Star Trek. Scotty, that's Quite Nice. I'm sure your family will be
proud to know that the molecules of your ashes will be floating around the
great vacuum of space for eons and parsecs and light years and then one day,
one of your molecules will become part of the Space Baby from the final scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey. [We want to send our turds into space.--Eds.] {That's weird.--Jack
Jackson.} ["Turds" isn't in the Microsoft
spellchecker.--Eds.] {You can add it.--Jack Jackson.}
[Okay.--Eds.] Justin Timberlake doesn't like gossip magazines.
"I despise what they do," he said. Justin, Go Take a Nap! Gossip magazines serve an important function which is
vital to an informed citizenry. And without an informed citizenry, the
government of the people will collapse! How will I know what to think
about the coming Great
Race Wars of 2012
if I don't know who you're porking? ["Porking is not in the Microsoft
spellchecker.--Eds.] {Better add it. I use that word a lot.--Jack
Jackson.} George Clooney paid $20 for some lemonade at a kids' stand located near where he
was filming. That must have been some kind of wicked underground lemonade. Michael Imperioli, Christopher on The
Sopranos and Spider in Goodfellas, said he's ready for The Sopranos to be over. Michael, that's Just Nice. Now you better be ready for
your career to be over, too. Will Ferrell is shooting another sports
comedy. There's no word yet on how many clichés to expect. [Will
it be a pastiche?--Eds.] {I think there will be a patina of
pastiche.--Jack Jackson.} |
|
April 2, 2007--Pile stuff up, load it
up, move it around.
Over 900 musicians of all ages broke a world record for
the longest concert performed in a railway station in The My Sweet Lord exhibit in Ricky Martin said it’s okay
for musicians to come out of the closet. Ricky, that’s Just Nice. It’s also okay for musicians to
play good music, so give that a try. [That’s not very nice.--Eds.] Jessica Simpson donated a brannew
minivan to an orphanage in Nuevo Laredo, |
|
March
26, 2007--I can see the music. Forensic experts will dig up Houdini's body and test it for poison. He's
been dead over 80
years now, and they
think they'll find some proof that he was murdered. Forensic experts, that's Just Nice. Maybe after you prove he was
murdered you can dig up the bones of the murderer and you can have the bones of Houdini and the bones of the murderer all dressed up in summer dresses and
you can put bonnets on them and sit them down for a nice little tea
party. [That would be weird.--Eds.] LAX employees have been stealing shit from celebrities, allegedly. LAX employees, Go Take a Nap! You aren't supposed to steal from the rich and
famous! That's against the law, and you'll get into big trouble.
The |
|
March
19, 2007--Green food coloring=green poo.
For the first time ever, all three Jeopardy! contestants ended up in a tie. Whoooooooooooooooo! I mean, that's Quite Nice! After all, it's nice that all
the contestants can go home winners, and they can all take great pride in
knowing they left it all out there, every stinking last bit of trivia
knowledge, and it was good enough to . . . um . . . tie two other
people. [We'll take "Quondam Mustachioed Game Show Hosts" for
$1,000, Alex.--Eds.] Richard Hatch, the first Survivor winner, said he spent "six
horrendous months" in a county prison where he was in the same room with
rapists and murderers and child molesters, and the Tevees were always on Jerry Springer. Richard, Go Take a Nap! Why you gotta be hatin' all the time?
Being a regular on Jerry
Springer is
probably going to be a viable career option for you when you get out of
federal prison, and your time in the county jail should've been spent making
friends, not enemies. [Maybe one of them could've taught him how to
hotwire a car?--Eds.] Sinbad is not dead, so says Sinbad, even though his Wikipedia entry said he was. Sinbad, Go Take a Nap! While you may not be dead, your brand of comedy
certainly is. [Oooh. Zing!--Eds.] Simon Cowell said he's worth five times more to Sony BMG than Bruce Springsteen. Simon, that's Just Nice. And as soon as record labels
start judging their artists by how much money they bring in, that will mean
something.
About 200 cities will get mail collection boxes
what are painted up to look like R2D2.
Instead of dropping your mail into the blue can, you can drop it into R2D2's mouf.
That ought to make sending mail a lot of fun. [Couldn't they paint them
to look like Sarlacc pits?--Eds.] |
|
March
12, 2007--Everybody's movin' in a different
direction.
They finally buried James
Brown's body in a
crypt on Saturday. In case you were wondering, he died last Christmas. That's about 2.5 months dead on a slab somewhere. And
can you guess the best part? The crypt is likely temporary until a
mausoleum gets built. James Brown's body, Go
Take a Nap!
You're dead! Stop movin' around! [He
has ants in his pants.--Eds.] John Mayer will play at the
Two men trying to recreate a scene from Jackass got themselves into a real pickle. The scene is of a person
pouring lighter fluid onto another man's balls and lighting it. In the
recreation, the man who did the tossing of fluid and igniting has been
charged with battery and reckless endangerment. The man whose genitals
received the fluid and were set ablaze suffered what has been described as burned genitals. Jackass, Go Take a Nap! You're gonna get everyone's
balls burnt. That's bad for society. We need balls to make sperm
to impregnate women to keep the species going! [Maybe we could
genetically engineer a race of super-humans who have a genetic predisposition
to not pour lighter fluid on their genitals and set them on fire.--Eds.] Michael Jackson wouldn't change his career path if he
could. Oh,
Really? Being
the world's most famous pop star is working out alright for you? [We'd
change our career path if it would get us out of editing this damn
column.--Eds.] |
|
March 5,
2007--I would rather have two dollars instead of one.
Most critics were impressed with Daniel Radcliffe's performance in Equus, the play in which he gets naked and
blinds some horses. Other people who were impressed: teenage girls and
gay men. [Don't forget bicurious men.--Eds.] Michael Jackson will be at a special
The GEICO cavemen from the TV ads may be getting a TV show of their own on ABC, tentatively called Cavemen. ABC, Go Take a Nap! You can come up with something a little more creative
than Cavemen, can't you? How about: Show What We Air Two Episodes of
Before A DC radio station paid off Bobby Brown's child support payments and court costs
to spring him from jail in exchange for being on air for a week to discuss
his problems. DC
radio station,
that's Just Nice. And to all the radio stations
out there: you can pay off all my debts, too, in exchange for letting me talk
about my problems on air for a week. [We don't want to hear about your
struggles to sell screenplays about monkey vampires.--Eds.]
And Sumner
Redstone, chairman
of Viacom, says he wants to be friends with Tom Cruise again, a mere year after their fallout
which led to |
|
February
26, 2007--Okay, wait, no, yes. I've got it. I've got Oscar Febre.
First off, I want to say I finally saw Little Miss Sunshine, and it is not a comedy. A comedy is a movie where
you laff a lot, usually because a monkey in overalls or a vampire cape is
running amok with various items like a roll of toilet paper, a colostomy bag,
grampa's dentures, a gallon of canola oil, a
whoopee cushion, and/or a bubble machine. Do you believe that there
isn't a single monkey in the movie? [What's Greg Kinnear?--Eds.] No denture jokes, either.
Think of it. Alan
Arkin's character could've kept heroin in his dentures. Better
yet, he could keep heroin in his monkey's dentures. That's
comedy. [Where are they going to put the gallon of canola oil?--Eds.] Basic Instinct 2 won the Razzie for worst picture. Oh, Really? Mia Farrow wants the UN to send troops to war-torn As
of the time of writing this, neither James Brown nor Anna
Nicole Smith have been buried. Dammit!
If we don't get them buried soon, they'll end up like ghosts like Billy's grandparents from Family Circus and they'll be hoverin'
around the treehouse looking down on us all maudlinly and shit. [Will Anna's breastesses go to limbo?--Eds.] Britney Spears' stints in rehab could help her keep
custody of her kids, says some attorneys. Oh,
Really? I
don't think proof of going and leaving rehab is necessarily a positive
factor, is it? What about this one: "Judge, I've never been to
rehab, because I've never gotten addicted to any drugs." That's a
good one. That sounds better than: "Judge, I'm whacked out on
drugs and booze, I go to rehab but I like to leave early, I shaved my head,
then I attacked my ex's car with an umbrella, and I got me one of dem fancy nekk tattoos.
Now gimme custody, B-ATCH!"
And Prince Harry is off to |
|
February
19, 2007--Vote no on carpet bombing. Paula Abdul said she's never been drunk in her
life. Paula, Go Take a Nap! If you haven't been drunk yet, you're old enough to try
it. You may like being drunk and out of control. [Wine has many
health benefits.--Eds.] Anna Nicole Smith's Britney Spears shaved her head and got some tattoos
on the back of her neck. That's Quite Nice. But Britney,
you don't need to shave your head to get neck tattoos. You need to
shave your head to get scalp tattoos. [Maybe she needed to shave her
neck?--Eds.] |
|
February
12, 2007--Happy Birthday: Arsenio Hall; Christina
Ricci; Abraham Lincoln; Charles Darwin. Ryan O'Neal's son, Griffin, allegedly went batshit nutz and swung a fireplace poker around and
then Ryan went upstairs to fetch his gat and
blew a round into his banister to scare Jennifer Hudson, the star of Dreamgirls and former American Idol contestant said that she was
"abused, misled, and brainwashed" by her experience on the unreality TV show. Jennifer, Go Take a Nap! Who were you before you were on American Idol? And did you ever watch the damn
show before you decided to enter as a contestant? Didn't you see those peckerhead judges rail on the earlier
contestants? [When we were on Family Double Dare, we were horrified
that we had to pick huge green boogers from a fake plastic nose.--Eds.] Britney Spears is not, repeat, not a lesbian.
This, she says, despite what K-Fed's friend said about her girl-on-girl parties and huge collection of pr0nomonographies. The
friend, Omar
"Iceman" Sharif, said Britney liked threesomes, and had petting
parties with anywhere from three to six girls. Omar, Go Take a Nap! Just because someone has a huge collection of
pr0nomonographies, likes threesomes, and has drunken orgies does NOT mean
she's a lesbian. It means she's a connoisseur. [That's knowing what you
like.--Eds.] A
sex tape of Kim Kardashian will not include the golden shower scene. Dammit! I want to
see people peeing on other people! [Just Google that shit.--Eds.]
Er. I mean, Kim, Go Take a Nap! What's Rule Five of Jack
Jackson's Keys to Happiness? All together now: Don't Film Your Sex! |
|
February
5, 2007--I can joke about beer farts all I want.
Now there's another video of
The set of Robert De Niro said he'd be onboard for any sequels
to The Departed. I'm not sure how that will all
work out, given that Scorsese killed off all the original
characters. [Maybe it will be Really Departed?--Eds.] {Totally
Departed.--Jack Jackson.] Parents across the world, yes, across the frakking world, are upset that Daniel Radcliffe has some shirtless and nude photos of
him all over the Innerweben promoting his role in Equus. [Many teenage girls and gay men
are upset that there isn't a little more of this type material.--Eds.]
The parents are worried that their young children
will get the wrong message because Harry Potter was such a good role model. Parents across the frakking
world, Go Take a Nap! Harry Potter has a penis! There. I said
it. And I know he wants to use his magical wand on Hermione. Oh, and your kids? Some
of them have penises, too. [Some have buginas.--Eds.]
{Some have both.--Jack Jackson.} [They have pills for that now.--Eds.] Sienna Miller and Hayden Christensen filmed a sex scene for Factory Girl. The catch? They actually porked each other. [Actually, he's the
porker, and she's the porkee.--Eds.] Sienna and Hayden, Go Take a Nap! What did I say about filming your sex? [We sort
of like it when people film their sex.--Eds.]
And Katie Holmes turned down $2Million to star in the new Batman movie. Katie, Go Take a Nap! Anytime you can stand next to Batman is a magical moment, and they were
going to pay you! [We want to be Batman for Halloween.--Eds.] |
|
January
29, 2007--God doesn't know how often you masturbate. He lost count.
The A
new website called parisexposed features some video and document highlights from
|
|
January
22, 2007--Buy stuff, pile it up, move it around.
The show Lost is trying to figure out how to end itself. Lost,
that's Just Nice. I have a suggestion. Have
some people FIND them. [We liked it better when
it was called "Gilligan's Bob Barker let loose with his secret to game show
hosting: listen to the contestants. When asked how he maintains his
energy, he said "Booze." Bob, that's Really Quite Nice. But how can you make sweet love
to the Barker
Beauties if you've
got whiskey dick? [The booze helps you last
longer.--Eds.] A
recent
The American Idol
Judges claim they
are not being any more cruel this season than
before. American
Idol Judges, that's
Quite Nice. I like to see this brave new
world becoming less cruel, er, staying as cruel as
it always has been. [We too are no more cruel
than ever.--Eds.] Gisele Bundchen says families, not the fashion
industry, are to blame for anorexia. Gisele, Go Take a Nap! It's not families or the fashion industry. Anorexia is caused by an unhealthy desire to be
skinny! A special-effects assistant on the set of a new Tom Hanks movie was critically injured by an exploding
fake stinger
missile. Tom Hanks movie, Go Take a Nap! What's the point of having a fake stinger missile if it's just going to blow up? I
mean, just go ahead and get a real stinger missile if you want it to explode and hurt people. [They
should've animated the explosion using computers.--Eds] Miss |
|
January
15, 2007--Your government is for you, of you, and by you. Leonard Nimoy showed up to the surprise retirement
party for the president of Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz are officially not doing each other,
even though they have "continued love and respect for one
another." Justin and Cameron, Go Take a Nap! If you continue to love someone and respect someone,
then you should continue to have sex with each other. It's called friends with benefits. [Maybe they should try a new
position.--Eds.] |
|
January
8, 2007--Now that the War on Christmas is over, we can start the War on
Valentine's Day. Demi Moore says she was surprised that she ended
up dating Ashton Kutcher, and that he was surprised, too, and that she knows it
surprised a lot of other people as well. Demi and Ashton, Go Take a Nap! If you don't stop surprising yourselves and other
people, we're all bound to die from cardiac arrest. [When is Bruce gonna punk Ashton?--Eds.] Carly Simon promoted her new tape on QVC this week. Carly, Go Take a Nap! You're so vain! You probably think this column's
about you. [Don't you? Don't you?.--Eds] Britney Spears "collapsed shortly after
midnight" on New
Year's Eve at a La$ Vega$ nightclub. She says she was just
tired, and everyone else thinks it's because she was trizzashed. But either way, Britney, Go Take a Nap! Er. I mean, Go Wake Up! [Good one.--Eds.] Bedbugs bit Alison Trainer, an opera singer performing in
And Kenny Rogers upset his neighbors after he razed a $2.5million home and left it as a dirt pile.
He said he abandoned the project because he knew the new house would be too
big for his wife and twin sons if he left the planet. Oh, Really? Are you saying the house would
be just big enough or just the right size for four, but if it's only three,
it would be too big? What, are you afraid of ghosts? If you leave
the planet, just put it in your will that Jack Jackson gets to stay free to make sure the
house isn't too big anymore. [You'd scare the cats.--Eds.] |
|
January
1, 2007--One step closer to the Great Race Wars of 2012.
Here's a nice story for the new year: the American Going Public voted Britney Spears the worst celebrity of 2006. Wow, you know. American Going Public, Go Take a Nap! Britney is doing her part,
and she's doing what you want her to do. I mean, she's not a pregnant
lesbian who vocally supports stem-cell guhbortions
or anything like that. She's a down-home, folksy, country girl who gets
married and has kids. That's what you want from her, isn't it?
[Did the voters forget who George Lucas says the fourth
The |
