By Jack Jackson

     Matt Damon said doing a love scene with Angelina Jolie was weird, because he's good friends with her and Brad Pitt, and so I guess he's a little uncomfortable pretending to bang her because you never know when Brad's gonna get all Tyler Durden on your ass.  Matt and Angelina, Go Take a Nap!  Do you really think you can't fake make-out and dry hump and not have it be all weird?  I mean, much weirder shit than that's going on in Hollywood on a per-nanosecond basis.  [Yeah, like when Abe Vigoda and Ruth Buzzi make White Russians with Tia Maria instead of Kahlua.--Eds.]

     Readers of two online dog magazines, The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog, voted Britney Spears as the worst celebrity dog owner.  Damn.  That's harsh, people.  [Would she be the best celebrity dog owner in the Bizarro World?--Eds.]  Readers of online dog magazines, Go Take a Nap!  Why you got to be hatin' allatime?  Can't we be spreadin' some love now and then?  And why can't you cheap asses go buy a hard copy of a dog magazine now and then?  It's better for the economy than just clicking a bunch of stuff all day.

     Eminem re-divorced his wife-ex-wife-wife again.  Er.  Well, she's now his wife-ex-wife-wife-ex-wife.  So, that's good.  I mean, it's good to test the waters before you're really sure about commitment, right?  [The third time's the charm.--Eds.]

     Aaron Carter, you know that Aaron Carter who proposed onstage to a Playmate whom he'd known for only a week, says now he's totally in love with another woman he's known for seven days.  But don't take my word for it.  Take the word from the guy who's feeling it: "I've only known her for, like, seven days, but I have a connection with her that's like nothing else I've ever experienced," he said.  Aaron, that's Quite Nice.  But I think the feeling you've got right now is what's called mind-blowing sex with a new partner.  That's usually gonna last about a week.  Then you've got to move on to the next hot thing, or get some sex toys, or admit to each other some of your fetishes.  [Variety is the spice of life.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Nicole Richie got her bony ass arrested because she was driving all crazy-bitch on the California freeways.  An officer put her in her passenger seat and drove her car away and she admitted that she'd been smoking marihuana and popping Vicodin.  Nicole, Go Take a Nap!  You don't tell the cops that!  You say stuff like, "I'm not admitting I'm bombed on pills and grass until I get me a good goddamn lawyer!" [When we smoke grass and pop pills, we like to get in our Little Rascal and drive it around the house real fast.--Eds.]

     The 118th annual Tournament of Roses will feature a Star Wars Spectacular, with 200 Storm Troopers from the 501st Legion, a fan club whose members make their own Storm Trooper outfits.  [Nerds!--Eds.]  Tournament of Roses, Go Take a Nap!  Parades are stupid.  I mean, they are stupid, stupid, stupid.  Filling up balloons and walking 'em around town is not good entertainment.  [It's a celebration of specialness.--Eds.]

     The Parents Television Council reported that TV is not talking about religion enough and when it does, it's usually in a negative way.  Parents Television Council, Go Take a Nap!  Reporting about religion on TV isn't going to get the Baby Jeebus back on this planet any sooner!  We need to get together and pray in a new fancy church!  [Maybe we should just sin so much that Jeebus has to come back?--Eds.]

     The INHD channel will air a high-definition fireplace burning for 24 hours on Christmas.  Well, there you go, Parents Television Council.  A burning fireplace is a pretty positive depiction of religion, don't you think?

     And form Bee Gee Barry Gibb is going to make a country album.  Barry, that's Just Nice.  But don't we have enough country albums already?  [This one will be different.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     It had to happen, didn't it?  Just a few weeks after Lance Bass got lanced by the media, he and his boyfriend, some dude from some stupid-ass unreality tevee show, broke up.  Lance, Go Take a Nap!  You and that unreality tevee dude had something special and now it's all gone to hell.  [We had some corns lanced last dusk.--Eds.]  {Did you try picking them first?--Jack Jackson.}  [Yes, they were too big and deep.--Eds.]

     Nicolas Cage says he's going to act less, and start to take more time between movies.  He wants to develop independent cinema in the Bahamas, for one thing.  [Maybe he learn to crochet?--Eds.]  Nicolas, that's Just Nice.  I, for one, will be glad to see less of you because let's face it, we don't need to see you in any more than, oh, one movie every fiscal year, right?  [That's enough for us, but can the next one be Face/Off II: Facier/Offier?--Eds.]

     I watched the Miami Vice movie last night.  It's okay if you watch it in 2x mode, but normal speed for when people get all shot up.

By Jack Jackson

     Paris Hilton cancelled her appearance at the Billboard Music Awards because the patter-writer wrote some patter for her which satirized her peers and she was uncomfortable with that.  Or, as her spokesman, Elliot Mintz put it: "It is my understanding that some satirical references ridiculed some of her peers.  Paris did not want to say anything that could appear hurtful or embarrassing about people she knows."  Paris, Go Take a Nap!  Weren't you the one drunkenly laughing at Brandon Davis slamming Lindsay Lohan for having a fire crotch?  [Is it so bad to have a fire crotch?--Eds.]  And wasn't he also slamming Lohan for being poor with only $7Million?  [Is it so bad to only have seven million dollars?--Eds.]  And didn't he also say Lohan had a seven-foot clitoris?  [Okay, it could be pretty bad to have a seven-foot clitoris.--Eds.]  I know you didn't say that stuff, Paris, but I'm thinking guilt by association and tacit approval here.  So get your bony ass to the Billboard Music Awards and slam your friends on the tevee, because we know you're probably doing it off camera.

     Speaking of Lohan, she's going to AA meetings, which I guess is a good thing, but she is only 20 and maybe she's young enough to just drink her way out of it.  [That's how we continue to do it.--Eds.]  But Lohan, that's Quite Nice.  I want to see you get better and maybe drinking less will shorten your seven-foot clitoris.  [We want pictures.--Eds.]

     Speaking of drinking, after Danny DeVito did The View drunk [Can you blame him?--Eds.], George Clooney told Today that the reason why DeVito was drunk was because they both did a grip of shots of limoncello together at a restaurant.  George and Danny, Go Take a Nap!  You shouldn't shoot limoncello.  That's sort of college of you.  Next time, have them chill it and strain it into a cocktail glass and drink like the classy gents you are.  [We drink the box wine from the box spout.--Eds.]

     An ABBA museum will open in Sweden in 2008.  Honey, fire up the RV!  [You can't drive an RV to Sweden.--Eds.]  {I would for ABBA.--Jack Jackson.}

     The Rockefeller Plaza lit up its stupidly big Christmas tree again.  Oh, Really?

By Jack Jackson

     A fan of Linkin Park used a national security lab computer to find out Chester Bennington's cell phone number.  For those of you who aren't fans of Linkin Park [Is that in Chicago?--Eds.], Mr. Bennington is the lead singer.  He's probably the one person in the world whose phone number you'd really like to have.  I mean, if you had access to a computer which had everyone's cell phone number in it, we'd all pick Mr. Bennington, right?  [We want to call Fran Dresher.--Eds.]  But the fan who got the number mucked it all up because she also got Mrs. Bennington's email address and threatened her.  Fan of Linkin Park, Go Take a Nap!  You had a good thing going.  You could've called Mr. Bennington all the time and told him how awesome his music is, but you had to go all mean-on-the-wifey on the wifey.

     David Blaine ended his latest "stunt" in Times Square.  He was apparently shackled to a gyroscope for 52 hours, and then he got out and was thirsty and hungry.  David, Go Take a Nap!  Next time you get chained in a gyroscope, put some food and water in there!  [And why not also a cell phone with Internet access?--Eds.]   And when are you going to admit you have a being-starved-and-chained-to-a-gyroscope fetish?

     Barbara Walters said that Kelly Ripa and Rosie O'Donnell aren't mad at each other anymore.  Their feud started because Ripa was afraid of Clay Aiken's hand because she didn't know where it'd been.  [We have a few guesses.--Eds.]  Then Rosie said it was homophobic to be worried about where a gay man's hand has been, even though Mr. Aiken hasn't been officially lanced yet.  [We hope he's straight, so he can help us preserve the human race.--Eds.]  Barbara Walters, Go Take a Nap!  Don't tell me this feud is over!  I want it to go on for a few more weeks like when pro wrestlers get real mad at each other and their feud lasts for a few episodes until some other crazy shit happens.

     Orenthal J. Simpson admitted he signed on to write "If I Did It" for the money.  Oh, Really?

     And France will not allow minors to see Saw III at theaters because of its "violence and intolerable, incessant sadism."  France, Go Take a Nap!  How else will the children of the world learn about violence and sadism?  [They could rent Saw II.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Yes, some stuff happened this week in the crazy-hazy world of celebrity.  But I'm not in the mood for caring about TomKat's wedding.  I mean, what is the sound of two Scientologists getting married in the woods?  I think it probably sounds like a bunch of money hitting a fan.  And if you don't know what that sounds like, just throw some money into a fan.

     So maybe this week I'll tell you about the new Casino Royale.  Yup.  Here's another movie that's about an hour or two too long.  I don't have an enlarged prostate, but this is the kind of movie that can give you one.  [Or two.--Eds.]  Eh.  Daniel Craig is okay.  He's certainly no George Lazenby.  [No one is.--Eds.]  There are exotic locales.  There are villains who have scars.  There are even villains who bleed out of their eyes and try to make their own crush videos by ball slapping weighted ropes into 007's scrotum repeatedly.  [We want to see the bonus footage.--Eds.]

     You know, it wasn't too long ago, maybe as recently as when Ike was in command, when filming one man beating the shit out of another's testicles was enough to put you behind bars.  But today, they call it cinema.  I wonder what the €-trash think of these things.  [They invented them.--Eds.]

     But I mean, seriously, James Bond's testicles get whacked over and over and over again.  And it looks like it hurts.  And someone, someone right now [Probably at least three people--Eds.] is masturbating onto a cum-sheet thinking of that scene, because either they wished it was their testicles getting whacked, or that they were doing the whacking.  [That's the whacker and the whackee.--Eds.]

     I just want to know how many people saw Casino Royale this weekend who also complained about seeing Janet Jackson's areola.  I can't imagine what they're saying right now after watching James Bond get his genitalia mashed.  [They didn't actually show his balls get smashed.  It's called "imagineering."--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     After burfing two of K-Fed's babies, Britney Spears texted him to tell him she's divorcing him.  First, that's cold, Britney, damn cold.  You use the sperm of a man you love to fill up your tummy with his love chillren, and you text him to tell him you're splitsville?  I mean, wasn't there at least a telegraph office nearby?  [Or some sticky notes?--Eds.]  And second, Britney, Go Take a Nap!  If all you wanted was to bring two more of his love chillren into this crazy-hazy world, you didn't need to marry the dude.  Next time, just walk up to a guy and say, "Excuse me, kind sir, but I'd like you to use me as a cum dump and get me knocked up two times.  No strings attached."  That ought to do it.

     Genesis, including Phil Collins, is getting back together for a two-month tour.  The band is saying that it's not about the money.  Genesis, Go Take a Nap!  If it's not about the money, what the hell is it about?  [It's certainly not about the music.--Eds.]

     Sir Elton John said he would ban religion if he could, because it engenders hatred towards homosexuals.  Sir Elton, Go Take a Nap!  If we didn't have religion, we wouldn't have all those nice tax-free churches everywhere!  You know, those buildings where you can wake up early on your day off and get all gussied up and take your kids and have your whole family get lied to and then after you leave your kids can stay behind to help blow out all the candles and get sexually abused and live in perpetual fear of hell?  [God wants homosexuality to be a sin because his boyfriend thinks the sex is hotter that way.--Eds.]

     Guns N' Roses cancelled a Maine concert because they couldn't drink alcohol on stage.  GN'R, that's Quite Nice.  I wouldn't perform unless I could get totally trashed onstage, either.  [We refuse to edit this damn column unless we can drink.--Eds.]

     And Reichen Lemkuhl, Lance Bass's main squeeze, has come up with a new term for when a person is "outed by someone in the public media."  He calls it "a lancing."  Reichen, that's Just Nice.  But couldn't you come up with a nicer-sounding word?  I mean, getting "lanced" sounds like you just got a boil removed.  [How about a "bassing" instead?--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Bob Barker is going to retire next June, after fifty years on TV.  Bob, That's Quite Nice.  But I always thought they'd have to pry that stick microphone from your cold, dead hands.  Seeing that you're retiring willingly, I'd like to be among the first to toss my hat into the ring of possible replacements.  I know I'd be great at it, and I love it when people shove their hands down my pockets for money.  [We like it when people shove their hands down our pants for honey.--Eds.]

     Jackie Chan hates speaking dialogue in English because directors want it perfect.  He often drops the "S" in plural forms and screws up verb tenses.  Jackie, Go Take a  Nap!  If you want to be in American movies, you better learn how to speak American!  ["Rush Hour" is the universal language.--Eds.]

     Actor Neil Patrick Harris, a.k.a. Doogie Howser, announced he's gay to the world.  He joins Lance Bass and George Takei as officially outing themselves, and stands clear of Bryan Singer and Oprah Winfrey, who have recently publicly announced they definitely are not gay.  Alright, so who's keeping the "Gay/Not Gay" celebrity list?   And when can I start the "Into Bestiality/Not Into Bestiality" list?  [We want to start the "Into Nyotaimori/Not Into Nyotaimori" list.--Eds.]

     Maya Rudolph of SNL is suing because her SoHo apartment building condo has bedbugs.  She was told the apartment was "perfect" but apparently it wasn't quite perfect.  She, her baby's daddy, and the baby, were getting "bitten over portions of their bodies by bedbugs."  Maya, Go Take a Nap!  Having bedbugs in Manhattan is about as close to perfect as you can get.  Just be thankful the C.H.U.D. weren't there to greet you in your sleep!  [Or that radioactive alligator that kid flushed down the toilet that one time.--Eds.]

     Two of the original members of Culture Club called Boy George "dreadful" and said he made their lives a "misery."  Original members of Culture Club, Go Take a Nap!  I'm sure people would care about what you have to say if you weren't in a band with Boy George, but why not pipe down and just cash your royalty checks and go be nice droogs?

     And Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210 are coming out on DVD.  Can someone say "Christmas"?  [Can someone say "Kwanzaa"?--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     [Because Jack Jackson was on an extended bender this weekend, his nephew, Billy, aged eleven, took over the helm this week.--Eds.]

     Hey, Internet people!  I'm Mean Uncle Jack's little nephew Billy!  He said I could type some stuff here and then I have to go take a nap, or something.

     Okay, so first, Daniel Radcliffe, that dorky kid who plays Harry Potter, said being famous makes it hard for him to date.  Daniel, that's stooopid.  Just go to any rest area along I-80 and you can date a bunch of guys all at the same time!

     Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philippe are divorcing.  That's too bad.  Think of the children!  I always liked Ryan and thought he would be a good dad, especially ever since I saw Cruel Intentions and he made that bet with Buffy that he could put "it" anywhere if he won that bet.  And Buffy only got his Jaguar if he lost!  Ryan's a hard bargainer!

     I want some more Yu-Gi-Oh! cards for Christmas.  I need a couple of more decks so I can have a better chance of beating Topher and Tracin next door.  Their parents love them more because they have more decks.

     Okay, bye!

By Jack Jackson

     George Michael says he smokes marihuana because it keeps him "sane and happy."  [Our generation called it "grass."--Eds.]  George, Go Take a Nap!  If everyone ran around this world doing the drugs that made them sane and happy, we'd have a sane and happy world!  We can't have that.  [Collecting scented candles keeps us sane and happy.--Eds.]

     Haley Joel Osment pled no contest to DUI, because he blew .16 and got medieval on a mailbox.  Haley, Go Take a Nap!  You're 18!  If you're tooling around trashed and trashing mailboxes at 18, what kind of crazy shit are you going to be doing at the age of 20?  [We still liked whoopee cushions well into our thirties.--Eds.]

     Lindsay Lohan and Keira Knightley will play lesbians in a docudrama about Dylan Thomas.  They will have "some very erotic scenes together."  Hollywood, that's Really Quite Nice.  I've been saying for years that that fire crotch Lohan and that pirate Knightley ought to be in pictures together, in erotic scenes together.  [We would be extras, if asked.--Eds.]

     And Jackie Chan says he feels frustrated by Hollywood's safety rules.  Jackie, Go Take a Nap!  The rules are there for a reason!  We want you to be safe and happy, not hurt and unhappy.  If the safety rules keep you alive long enough to make Rush Hour 8, I'm all fer 'em.

By Jack Jackson

     Scarlett Johansson had a lot to say this week.  First, she's happy with her boyfriend, Josh Hartnett, but she thinks monogamy might be against instinct. [Might be?--Eds.]  She also said that she is not promiscuous, but that she gets tested for HIV every six months.  Scarlett, that's Just Nice.  Josh must be very happy to have a girl like you who is ready to prove she doesn't have HIV on a biennial basis.  But just think how much better he would feel if you got tested on a monthly basis.  [We'd feel a lot better if she were promiscuous with her mouth, with our penises.--Eds.]

     Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton were seen together at an L.A. steakhouse, and then texting together from a bench.  What they were doing in a steakhouse is beyond me.  I mean, it's not like either of them were going to eat a steak there.  And texting from a bench?  Nicole and Paris, Go Take a Nap!  All of the A-list celebrities know the cool way to communicate is through telepathy.  Or have you two B-listers not evolved that far yet?  [We're thinking of a number between 30A and 32A.--Eds.]

     Country singer Sara Evans filed for divorce, alleging her husband "committed adultery, was verbally and emotionally abusive, drank excessively and and frequently watched pornography in their home."  Sara, Go Take a Nap!  Those aren't grounds for divorce!  Those are country music lyrics!  [Is there something wrong with frequently watching pornography in your home?--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Peter Falk says he supplied his own coat for the role of Columbo.  Peter, that's Quite Nice.  Did you supply your own socks, too?  [We supplied his underwear.--Eds.]

     Bradgelina took their kid for a rickshaw ride in Pune, India.  Bradgelina, that's Really Quite Nice.  Next time, I want to ride along.  [We want to go, too.--Eds.]

      Bath & Body Works is teaming up with Elton John's "passion for candles" to make a new line of scented candles, scented stones, and home fragrance oils called the The Elton John Fireside Home Fragrance Collection.  [We want a candle in the wind.--Eds.]  Elton, that's Just Nice.  While I do not have a passion for candles, I do have a passion for scented stones.  As a matter of fact, I keep a huge pile of scented stones in the corner of my closet.  [Those aren't stones.--Eds.]

     Singer Katie Melua set a Guinness World Record by performing two one-hour concerts 994 feet under the North Sea in the hollow concrete leg of an oil platform.  I'm not sure exactly what record that broke, but Katie, that's Just Nice.  You're doing a lot of good for the seaworld.  [We wish she would've streamed it onto the Interwebs.--Eds.]

     Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini said don't masturbate during Ramadan.  Sayyid, Go Take a Nap!  If you want to masturbate during Ramadan, masturbate during Ramadan!  Do you want to get prostate cancer?  [Use it or lose it.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Aaron Carter and his fiancee canceled their engagement just six days after he announced it onstage, which was just five days after he met her.  If you want me to do the math, I will.  Six plus five is eleven.  He knew her eleven days before he proposed.  Aaron, Go Take a Nap!  You can't tell whether you love someone after eleven days!  That's barely enough time to test out all the bells and whistles.  [We like to play with things awhile, before committing.--Eds.]

     Russell Crowe says he will not play his dearly departed good friend and quondam crocodile hunter, Steve Irwin, in a movie.  He said that such rumors were "appalling."  Russell, Go Take a Nap!  It's not appalling when Hollywood comes a-knockin' on your door.  It's appealing, it's a appalling, it's a polliwog, it's a paragon, it's a Popeye, it's a panic, and it's a pip and it's a principal lad.  It's de-lovely!  [I understand the reason why you're sentimental 'cause so am I.--Eds.]

     Mel Gibson equated the war in Iraq to human sacrifice because we are sending our troops there for no reason.  Mel, Go Take a Nap!  We're sending our troops to Iraq for a very good reason!  We like to kill people!  [We just want their gems and jewels.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     The average American home now has in it, on average, more TVs than people.  There are 2.73 TVs in the American home today, with 2.55 people inside.  If you want me to do the math, I will.  That's exactly .18 more TVs than human beings in this country.  People of America!  We are being outnumbered!  The TVs are winning the war and flooding our country with their vapid cultural values!  We need to start having more sex right now to close the gap!  [Not gay sex, though.  That only produces butt babies.--Eds.]  TVs, Go Take a Nap!  We will never give in!  We shall prevail!

     On a completely unrelated note, TV watching hit a new record high last year.  The average home has a TV on for eight hours and fourteen minutes.  Dammit people!  First the TVs outnumber us, and now we watch them more than ever.  If this keeps up, TVs are going to win this war!  We've got to fight back, strike back, hit 'em where it hurts!  We need to watch TV only seven hours a day.  No more.  [Can we watch for seven hours and thirty-two minutes?--Eds.]

     PETA wants Six Flags America to cancel its cockroach-eating contest.  The record is 36 baked roaches in one minute.  [We could eat about zero in ten hours.--Eds.]  PETA, Go Take a Nap!  If people want to eat bugs, they're going to eat bugs.  And people like to eat animals, because things like bacon taste totally awesome.  [Pastrami is up there, too.-Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Nicole Richie admitted that she "definitely" looks too thin, but that when she looks at herself in the mirror, she thinks she looks okay.  She blamed her thinness was caused by stress from paparazzi, and claimed she's not anorexic or bulimic.  Nicole, Go Take a Nap!  You can't look both okay and too thin.  And photographers aren't making you too skinny.  You're too skinny because you aren't eating food.  Food is a necessary part of a human being's life.  [She's too talented to waste time on food.--Eds.]

     Ben Affleck was surprised he won an acting award at the Venice Film Festival for his role as George Reeves in Hollywoodland.  Ben, I'm surprised, too.  [He laid the groundwork for the award in Gigli.--Eds.]

     A dead body washed up to where a crew was filming a scene from CSI: Miami.  This ties the CSI: New York crew, who found a dead body in a building while their were filming.  CSI: Miami, that's Just Nice.  Maybe you can take the lead in finding dead bodies next week.  [We're rooting for the original CSI.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Paris Hilton had a margarita, then sped and drove "erratically" and got pulled over.  "Maybe I was speeding a little bit and I got pulled over.  I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an In-N-Out Burger," she said.  Paris, Go Take a Nap!  I know, I know.  In-N-Out Burger is really, really good.  They hand-cut the potatoes so the fries are always fresh and they are one of the only burger chains that insists on testing all their beef for E. coli.  But when you get hungry like that, you've got to keep your shit under control, baby.  They aren't going to run out of burgers while you drive the speed limit.  And driving erratically?  C'mon, now!  You can do better than that.  Los Angeles is a big town with lots of freeways and in order for everyone to get where they're going, we all need to drive responsibly or else the whole system will break down.  Think about it: one person driving erratically on the 5 is enough to ruin traffic for miles in both directions.  [We only drive erratically when we're jonesin' for a In-N-Out Burger Animal Style--Eds.]

     Britney Spears will allegedly name her next burfed baby Jailynn.  Jailynn is a "mash-up" of her parents' names: Jamie and Lynn, and she also has a little sister named Jamie Lynn.  Britney, Go Take a Nap!  The obvious choice for your second burfed baby name is Lynn Jamie.  Your third burfed baby can be called Jamie Lynn.  The fourth shall be Lymmie, and the fifth can be called Jailynn.  The sixth shall be Jamie.  The seventh shall be Lynn.  The eighth, if you get to it, shall be Jamie-Jamie.  [We like Lynn-Jam.--Eds.]

     Brad Pitt won't get married to Angelina Jolie until all people who want to get married can, referring to homosexual marriage bans.  Brad, that's Just Nice.  You go ahead and stay living in sin all you want.  I'm getting married to my ass next week.  Would you like to kiss the bride?  [Gay marriage will lead to people marrying their own dogs.--Eds]

     And Lindsay Lohan lost her bag at Heathrow but someone turned it in to her.  It was filled with a bunch of jewels and gems and other booty to the tune of £500,000.  Lindsay, Go Take a Nap!  Everyone knows you shouldn't take your gems and jewels to the airport!  You should always have them shipped ahead via Media Mail.  [Carrier pigeon works well, too.--Eds.]  

By Jack Jackson

     General Motors pulled its sponsorship from Survivor, but it made clear it had nothing to do with the racial aspects of the show.  General Motors, Go Take a Nap!  This is your chance to do some good in the world!  You should take a stand against unreality TV!  [We want to see Man vs. Ape Survivor.--Eds.]

     Martin Sheen enrolled at the University of Ireland and will major in philosophy, English lit, and oceanography.  Martin, that's Just Nice.  But, maybe you should drop the philosophy and English majors, because they're dead-end majors.  I mean, do you really think you'll get a job as a philosopher or as a reader of literature?  Not likely, is it?  No, you should put all your energy into oceanography because it's much more practical.  [Universities aren't supposed to be technical schools.  You're supposed to graduate as a well-rounded individual.--Eds.]

     Chris Tucker is getting ready to star in Rush Hour 3.  Oh, Really?  Good luck, Chris.  I hope you get that long-deserved Golden Globe this time.  [We own Rush Hour 2 on tape.--Eds.]

     Muslims in Zanzibar are gettin' mad cuz of a planned beach party there which will celebrate what would have been Freddie Mercury's 60th burfday.  Freddie was originally from Zanzibar, you see.  It would be offensive to link his homosexuality to the people of Zanzibar, a Muslim leader said.  Muslims of Zanzibar, Go Take a Nap!  Anything you can do to link yourselves to Freddie is a good thing.  He was a talented singer with some nice songs, and the soundtrack to Flash Gordon is totally sweet.  So what if he liked to put another man's penis up his anus or in his mouf?  [Let's use "scaramouche" in a sentence.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     The latest incarnation of Survivor will feature four race-based teams: blacks, Asians, Latinos, and whites.  There's no word yet on whether the accommodations for each team will be separate but equal.  [We hope they at least segregate the turlets.--Eds.]  CBS, Go Take a Nap!  Pitting races against each other is sooooo pre-9/11.  This is the Age of Aquarius, and we ought to be a little more thoughtful.  [But it might be good TV.--Eds.]

     Speaking of minorities on the TV, there are now only nine gay leading or supporting roles on broadcast TV, seven of whom are white males.  I have a solution to this obvious problem: a new sitcom/dramedy/cop/lawyer/hospital show set in the Castro District of San Francisco.  [Don't forget to separate the races.--Eds.]  It will be called GLBT SFPD Law Crime Hospital.  That ought to fetch some Emmys, too.

     William H. Macy says it's "disrespectful" when actors like Lindsay Lohan show up late for filming.  Oh, Really?  Because I thought showing up late was a compliment to the chef in foreign countries.  [We heard she's a fire crotch, too.--Eds.]

     And a 1974 movie about cockfighting called Cockfighter will not be shown at the Edinburgh International Film Festival because it might be illegal to show it because the cockfights were real.  Edinburgh International Film Festival, Go Take a Nap!  Cockfighting is a great way to meet people!  [It's a good way to meet a lot of cocks, too.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Six of the top twenty shows last week were unreality TV, according to the Nielsen ratings.  America, Go Take a Nap!  Don't you ever get tired of watching that shit?  [No.--Eds.]

     Bill Clinton is turning 60, and he hates it.  Bill, Go Take a Nap!  After all, it could be worse.  You could be dead.  [He could be turning 61.--Eds.]

     Osama bin Laden apparently had a crush on Whitney Houston, wanted to kill Bobby Brown, and wanted to marry her.  Osama, Go Take a Nap!  You can't just go killing women's husbands and then making them your wife!  That's so, oh, caveman of you.  In other news, Osama bin Laden enjoys watching Desperate Housewives, likes to get the Six Pack and a Pound at Taco Johns with a Choco Taco, has corns on his feet, and thinks blackberries taste funny.  [Yes, but Osama doesn't even exist.--Eds.]

     And Turner Broadcasting will eliminate all smoking scenes from over 1,500 Hanna-Barbera cartoons, including The Flintstones, Tom and Jerry, and Scooby-Doo.  The cuts are voluntary after one person complained.  Turner Broadcasting, Go Take a Nap!  I like it when Scooby-Doo chain smokes menthols while Phyllis Diller smokes her Cloves.  It makes for good TV, plain and simple.  [If we both complain that we want the scenes to stay, do we outvote the other guy who complained?--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Paris Hilton got bit by her pet kinkajou, Baby Luv, prompting her to get a tetanus shot at a hospital.  For you wondering what the hell a kinkajou is:

Kinkajou Baby Luv, Go Take a Nap!  You don't go bitin' your owner, no how stupid she is when she says she's not having sex for a year.  [Baby Luv is a good name for a pet kinkajou.--Eds.]

     China banned foreign cartoons from prime time in an effort to boost its own animation studios, specifically to stop the influence of highly popular Japanese cartoons.  China, Go Take a Nap!  Your wily Chinee animators cannot compete with the Japanese animators!  And I can't think of a better way to become a better animator than to not face competition.  [Competition is what makes America strong.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     It comes and goes folks.  The celebrities weren't so crazy this week.  Not nearly as crazy as last week.  Here's a short column.

     Paris Hilton is now celibate, because she's sick of boyfriends.  "I'm not having sex for a year," she said.  Paris, Go Take a Nap!  You don't have to have sex with your boyfriend, but you can still have sex!  I mean, once you break the seal, you might as well keep at it.  [Use it or lose it.--Eds.]  But please spare us the drama.  Just have some sex.  Please.  You'll be happier.  [We're guessing she just got a Sybian.--Eds.]

     And Patrick Swayze says Mel Gibson is "a wonderful human being" and he "is not anti-Semitic."  Oh, Really?  Because I thought making anti-Semitic statements meant you were anti-Semitic.  But Patrick, I'll have to rethink my whole theory now, won't I?  [We are not editors.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     This sure was a busy week for the celebrities!  I hope I can get all this shit in before I crap my pants.

     First off, Lionel Richie thinks his daughter, Nicole Richie, is too skinny and he's become a "basket case" over it all.  Oh, Really?  I mean, I can't imagine why a father would be worried about his daughter looking like a skeleton with some flesh painted on it.  [We think she looks like a skeleton with some flesh draped over it.--Eds.]  But Lionel, don't worry too much.  Just have her over for some brownies.  Girls can't resist the brownies.  [We like the brownies, too.--Eds.]

     Brad Pitt's gramma got in the mix this week by telling a reporter that he's not going to marry Angelina Jolie anytime soon because he's still a bit misty-eyed about his breakup with Jennifer Aniston.  Brad, Go Take a Nap!  Angelina just burthed your baby and you should marry her and then you and she can finally sleep in the same bed together [You've got to sleep in the same bed at some point to get pregnant.--Eds.] {No, there's lots of ways to get pregnant.--Jack Jackson.}.

     And speaking of Shiloh, the burthed Brangelina baby, Madame Tussauds of New York now has on display an eight-week-old wax version of the baby.  Madame Tussauds of New York, that's Just Nice.  But couldn't you've waited until the baby was, say, nine-weeks old?  Eight-week wax babies all look alike, you know.

     George Michael got caught doing something dirty in a London park with a 58-year-old unemployed truck driver.  The truck driver said about the encounter: "He told me I could contact him on the Gaydar website and we just started kissing.  He did it very well.  That was one of his major points.  Then it was fondling and mutual pleasuring. It wasn't full sex but it was fantastic."  And then George bought his boyfriend/fiancee a £million gift to make up for it, but wouldn't describe the nature of it.  George, Go Take a Nap!  You can't just buy off your boyfriend for £million.  That's like treating him like a prostitute.  [We'd like to be treated like a prostitute if it means getting £million.--Eds.]  And second, you can't admit to buying such an expensive gift and then not telling us what it was.  [We think it was a golden egg from a golden goose.--Eds.]  And dammit, when I hear about two guys fondling and pleasuring in a park, it better be full sex next time.  Anything less is . . . not winning.

     Lance Bass came out of the closet and it made international news.  Oh, Really?  I mean, it's great that he did, but does a celebrity need to do a press release on their sexuality?  Maybe he should announce what his current fetishes are, too?  [Yes, and ours is Nyotaimori.--Eds.]

     Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe will act in a London production of Equus as a troubled teen.  The play requires him to be nude on stage in a scene while riding a horse and to "simulate sexual ecstasy".  Daniel, that's Quite Nice.  I hope you are ready for an audience of sex-crazed men who can't wait to see your penis.  [Some sex-crazed women will likely want to see it, too.--Eds.]

     And finally, Mel Gibson got pulled over for a DUI and was ranting and raving about Jews causing "all the wars in the world" and making other various anti-Semitic statements.  Mel, Go Take a Nap!  It should be clear that not all wars are caused by Jews.  For example, do you remember Rwanda?  That war was not caused by, well, I don't know for sure, but I know it wasn't Jewish people.  So your little theory is all shot to shit now, isn't it?  [We'd say so.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Brigitte Bardot is "ashamed, ashamed to be French."  Why?  Because the French Gub'ment apparently does something that makes her mad about using minks for fur.  She's threatening to move to Sweden over the whole deal.  [She should move to Newminkland.--Eds.]  Brigitte, Go Take a Nap!  You can't leave your country because people there kill minks!  People kill minks all over the world, all the time, everyday.  In fact, I think I just ran over one in my car yesterday.  [We made a nice merkin out of it.--Eds.]

     Oprah Winfrey says she's not gay with Gayle King, and that there wouldn't be anything wrong with it if they were, and that if they were, they'd sure come out and say it [Unless that would lower sales of her magazine.--Eds.]  Oprah and Gayle, that's Just Nice.  We need people like you to make sure everyone knows where people stand on their sexuality.  Maybe we should all just wear a big sign on our chests [Or butts?--Eds.] indicating "straight" "gay" "bisexual" "anything that moves" "boi" "lolitateen" and so on.  [What about "plushophile"?--Eds.]

     A British appellate court ordered a lower court to watch some Jerry Springer episodes in a contract dispute case.  The purchaser of the programs claims they've become "too strong for local tastes," and felt entitled to cancel the contract.  Universal Studios, the distributor of the programs, claims that "the content changed little over the years."  Oh, Really?  I think the content has changed quite a bit, Universal.  For example, you used to air wholesome shit like "Is My Boyfriend Sleeping with My Daughter?" but now you air unwholesome shit like "You Beat Me Last Night -- Should I Stay with You?"  [Our favorite is "Steve's Lesbian Hour."--Eds.]

     And speaking of Jerry Springer, Christie Brinkley's fourth marriage apparently is ending because of a teen interloper.  Brinkley's fourth hubby, Peter Cook, had been canoodling with Diana Bianchi, now 19, but who was 17 when Cook met her.  Bianchi used to be a lowly store clerk, but through a little help from Cook, she quickly landed a job at his architectural firm.  But then Bianchi dumped Cook in April, and now Brinkley finally got around to dumping Cook.  Brinkley, that's Quite Nice.  Now call up Jerry Springer, because I want to see "My Stupid Fourth Husband Bedded a Teenager and I Finally Dumped His Ass".  [We'd rather see "Steve's Lesbian Hour."--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Kate Hudson, daughter of Goldie Hawn, said she knows she's lucky to be in movies but that her career is "hard earned."  Kate, Go Take a Nap!  Do you really think you'd be where you are right now if your mom wasn't Goldie Hawn?  I'm just gonna guess that having a famous mom in L.A. can help open up a few doors that some other, more talented actors can't seem to find.  [We think she works hard and she deserves everything she's got.--Eds.]

     Pete Doherty, some Brit-pop wanker who dated Kate Moss, said he was going to use an abdominal implant to help him stop doing drugs.  Pete, that's Just Nice.  But spare yourself the implant and just keep doing drugs, because it's pretty obvious you like them a lot and so does Kate, so I don't know why you even bother pretending you want to quit.  [People shouldn't do drugs.--Eds.]

     Mr. T said he's getting rid of the gold chains after witnessing the destruction of Hurricane Katrina.  He said, "As a spiritual man, I felt it would be a sin against my God for me to wear all that gold again because I spent a lot of time with the less fortunate."  Mr. T, Go Take a Nap!  Wearing lots of gold chains is totally sweet, and by totally sweet, I mean wicked awesome!  Poor people like to look at rich people who flaunt wealth vapidly on senseless and needless things so they've got something to shoot and root for.  [We still want to know why people need bread boxes.--Eds.]

     And dudes, get your credit cards ready because Jessica Biel is auctioning a date with herself!  No, it's not because she's lonely, but because it's for charity.  The cause, you ask?  The money will go to "a teenager who lost her leg in a prom night limousine accident."  Jessica, that's Really Quite Nice.  [We better ban prom before someone loses another leg.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Keira Knightley says she's not anorexic.  Keira, that's Just Nice.  I'm sure you swallow everything you put in your mouth and I'm sure you don't throw it up like some amateur.  But you could gain a little weight if you feel like it, and then I wouldn't be able to count your ribs through your dresses anymore.

     Dolly Parton is adding a new roller coaster to Dollywood, her theme park.  Dollywood is "Tennessee's top tourist draw."  There's no joke here.  I just wanted y'all to know where to get yer kicks this summer.

     Justin Timberlake said he wants to "push the sound of pop music" with his new album, FutureSex/LoveSounds.  Justin, Go Take a Nap!  You can't push forward what has already achieved perfection!  And besides, the sound of FutureSex will not be whatever your album sounds like, but rather the sound of people purchasing orgasm downloads from iTunes.

By Jack Jackson

     Kevin Richardson, quondam of the Backstreet Boys, is now, as they say in the business (and by the business, I mean the Industry), out of the band.  "It was a very tough decision," he said.  He was the oldest, at 33.  I think that means he's no longer a boy.  [Maybe he's still a boi?--Eds.]  The remaining Backstreet Boys said they don't plan on replacing him.  [How could they?--Eds.]  Kevin Richardson, Go Take a Nap!  You need to stick with the band if you want your career to blossom into its full potential!  What are you gonna do with the rest of your life?  Go on a bunch of unreality TV shows and squander whatever cache you have left?  You need those other Backstreet Boys like a pee-pee needs a bugina.  [Or poo-hole?--Eds.]

     Ministry of Love (MiniLuv) Secretary Michael Chertoff says that the war on tourists is not like it is on the tevee.  Specifically, he said that it's not like the show 24.  He says that they don't have the high-tech stuff and there's not a lot of inter-office romance and there's not that much capturing of bad guys going on.  Chertoff, Go Take a Nap!  If none of it is like it is on the tevee, why in the hell are we paying you so much of our hard-earned tax dollars?  [We like to give our tax dollars to worthy multinational corporations.--Eds.]

     And Andy Warhol's silver wig sold at a NYC auction for $10,800.  Damn.  I thought that shit was real.

By Jack Jackson

     The NAACP is lamenting that no new network comedies feature any minorities in a leading role.  "The lack of African-American leads in sitcoms is unconscionable," said Bruce Gordon, President of the NAACP.  Bruce, Go Take a Nap!  Do you really think that it's going to help race relations to have Bernie Mac running around the house yelling at his kids because they get themselves into comedic situations on a weekly basis?  [It would prove that black people have a sense of humor.--Eds.]

     People Magazine named Taylor Hicks, "winner" of American Singsong, as the Hottest Bachelor of 2006.  Taylor, that's Just Nice.  But don't get too big of a head on your shoulders!  To help you with this, I would like to say that I would never put my penis on you, unless the money was very good.  [That's not how it works.--Eds.]

     Angelina Jolie swears that she still gives plenty of attention to her other adopted children, even though she just gave burf to a new one.  Angelina, Go Take a Nap!  You've gotta play favorites at some point, so why not start now?  [The adopted kids should always know their place.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Bryan Singer, director of the new Superman Returns movie, claims that Superman is not, I repeat, not gay.  He's not gay in the movie, and he's not gay in real life.  Singer went so far as to say that Superman "is probably the most heterosexual character in any movie I've ever made."  Bryan, Go Take a Nap!  What's the matter with a Superman who's a little bit gay?  I mean, who really wants to have sex with Lois Lane for their whole life?  Every superhero needs his young lad ward to help him every now and then with the old prostate massaging and the salad tossing and all the other stuff "nice" girls won't do for men.  And c'mon, now, any guy who wears those totally gay boots and that totally gay codpiece has to at least fantasize a little bit about gettin' his pee-pee smoked by a dude now and then.  [He can close his eyes and pretend it's Imogene Coca.--Eds.]

     "Hundreds of clowns" celebrated the opening of the Red Skelton Performing Arts Center in his hometown of Vincennes, Indiana.  Hundreds of clowns, that's Just Nice.  But, you see, ole Red died, oh, nine years ago.  So I think you're a little late.  [Clowns always run late.--Eds.]  But I'm sure Red is very, very happy up in Clown Heaven now that you've clowned around his hometown all week.  [We're honoring him by putting on some lipstick and a funny wig.--Eds.]

     The judge of the R. Kelly pedophilia case will allow prosecutors to show the jury the videotape which allegedly shows R. Kelly getting his freak on with a girl who may have been as young as thirteen at the time.  Judge, Go Take a Nap!  You're gonna get the jury all hot and steamy and when you recess they're all gonna go have a big orgy.  [We'd rather see some plumpers and blumpkins go at it.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Bradgelina had their baby and then they went ahead and named it Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.  [Gesundheit!--Eds.]  Ah, nothing like naming your baby after the most bloody Civil War battle.  But that's not the point.  The funny thing is that they registered up for Shiloh three domain names.  Yup, you guessed 'em: shilohnouveljolie-pitt.com, shilohpitt.com, and shilohnouvel.com.  [We guess shilohnouveljolie-piithasthemostawesomeparentsofalltime.com was taken?--Eds.]  Bradgelina, Go Take a Nap!  Giving your baby its own domain name doesn't make it a cool baby.  It makes it a nerd baby.  Can you just see Shiloh at daycare, with all the jock babies making fun of her because she's got her own webpage?  I mean, what's next?  Are you gonna get her fitted with bifocals?  A mouth retainer?  Some orthopedic shoes?

     A Learjet registered to Pat Robertson crashed into Long Island Sound, killing two pilots but none of the three passengers.  Pat Robertson, Go Take a Nap!  What man of God would own a Learjet?  After all, everyone knows that the truly religious and devoted travel in Bentleys.  And how could you let God kill the pilots but not the passengers?  This is obviously a sign that God hated your pilots because they celebrated the Sabbath on Sunday and not Saturday, the real Sabbath day.  [Maybe God lifted his protective veil just from the front half of the jet?--Eds.]

     And Katie Couric predicted an end to the "pretentious era" of the evening-news anchor.  Katie, that's Just Nice.  But I hate to break it to you, Katie: pretentiousness is kinda part of the job as the person sitting in front of a desk telling me what to think about world events.  [We think it's pretentious to predict an end to pretentiousness.-Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     [This space left blank in honor of Memorial Day.]

By Jack Jackson

     Prince Harry and Prince William admitted that they like American Idol this week, and they also like Friends.  Princes, that's Just Nice.  I like watching a little Tevee now and then, too.  I like The Price is Right and Laguna Beach.  [We watch Judge Judy and Lost.--Eds.]

     Bono said that the thought of eradicating Malaria from Africa is as exciting as watching Neil Armstrong walk on the moon.  That reminds me of an old joke: what's the difference between eradicating Malaria from Africa and Neil Armstrong walking on the moon?  Nothing!  Bono's right!  They're equally exciting.  [The thought of making a live-action Rugrats movie is as equally exciting as having the Golden Girls star in it.--Eds.]

     Elton John told the photographers at Cannes that they should all be shot.  Elton, Go Take a Nap!  You need the photographers to fuel your ego, and you also need to start writing better songs.

By Jack Jackson

     Many people think Ashlee Simpson had a nose job, but when she recently commented on the subject, she said, "Everybody's already saying it, so I just don't talk about it. I'm like, OK, whatever. It doesn't bother me."  So, I'm like, whatever, too.  [We're like, whatever, also.--Eds.]

     Paris Hilton went to a Video Game Exposition to announce the coming of her new cell phone game due to hit phones of mindless consumers this summer.  She said that her game was called Diamondquest but the game is actually called Paris Hilton's Jewel Jam.  Whatever.  [Whatever.--Eds.]

     Speaking of diamonds, a company called LifeGem Memorials has figgered out how to press human remains into diamonds, so you can do things like take a lock of your dearly departed's hair and, I suppose, turn it into a diamond, and then put that diamond in a nice setting and wear it in your ears, or your fingers, or on a necklace.  [We have a tongue piercing ready to go.--Eds.]  To promote this new important advance of human know-how, they will make a diamond with ten hairs of Beethoven.  Yes, it's that Beethoven, the one that looks like Gary Oldman on a really bad hair day.  LifeGem Memorials, That's Quite Nice.  [Whatever.--Eds.]

     And Orenthal J. Simpson is up to his usual comedic ways.  He's produced Juiced, an hour-long pay-per-view event that will also be a 90-minute DVD-tape event.  What is this Juiced, you ask?  Well, it's a funny idea, really.  It's a lot like Candid Camera or Pluonk'd [We think it's Poink'd.--Eds.] but instead of Allen Funt or Ashtoon Kustchere running out from behind the scenes of a wacky setup/gitup where you almost pee your pants, it'll be Orenthal J. Simpson who jumps out of the bushes and says something like, "You just got Juiced!"  Orenthal, Go Take a Nap!  We don't need anymore Candid Camera knock-offs, and we certainly aren't going to pay to see them.  [Er.  Do you want to come over to divvy up the costs of the PPV?--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     The California House voted to ban the sale of ultrasound machines to anyone but licensed professionals or facilities.  This comes as a response to TomKat buying one for home use during their preggernancy.  They cost around $150K each.  California House, Go Take a Nap!  I'm sure you're doing the public a great paternalistic service by banning them from spending their $150K of discretionary income on ultrasound machines, but c'mon, I want to be able to see what's going on inside my body now and then without having to see a doctor!  [We like turning on our ultrasound machines and pointing them at our tummies after we eat chorizo tacos.--Eds.]

      Denise Richards told People that she's not friends with Heather Locklear anymore.  Nope.  That's it.  It's over.  They are definitely not friends.  [We are no longer friends with Ms. Locklear, either.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Rapper 50 Cent claims that Oprah "caters to older white women."  Oh, Really?  Because I thought she catered to the 15-24 Asian male demographic.  [We watch and we're neither white women or Asian men.  We just like it when she does her Oprah's Favorite Things episode so we know what to buy for Christmas.--Eds.]

     Amy Fisher, who shot Joey Buttafuoco's wife in the face in 1992 when she was just 16, now admits that it was the drug Ecstasy what caused her mind to do the shooting.  "I was using Ecstasy, a lot of Ecstasy," she said.  Amy, Go Take a Nap!  Drugs don't make you shoot people, it's people that make you shoot people.  I mean, if people weren't such assholes all the time, do you think we'd've even invented guns?  No way!  The first guy who invented a gun said to himself: "That guy over there sure is an asshole!  I'd like to hurt him with a projectile."  And then he did Ecstasy, a lot of Ecstasy.

     Bruce Springsteen is scheduled to close the first weekend of the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival.  Oh, Really?  Because although I'm not 100% sure, I don't think Bruce fits into the genre some call "Jazz".  Might as well have Devo show up, too, and John Tesh.  [We have always thought Bette Midler would be nice to see at a Jazz Festival.--Eds.]

     Namibia is ecstatic over the thought that Bradgelina might burth their love-child at some point while they are actually still in Namibia, because it would do more for their tourism industry than any amount of state-sponsored advertising.  Namibia, that's Just Nice.  I've already got my tickets but not yet my hotel booked.  I want to make sure that I stay in the very room where Bradgelina give to the world another messed-up celebrity child.  [Don't let Tom Cruise near or else he'll eat the placenta.--Eds.]

     And David Copperfield fooled some would-be armed robbers this week by "reverse pickpocketing" himself.  He apparently had a large amount of cash in his pockets and made it disappear.  [We have a fairly good idea where he put it.--Eds.]  Authorities said you shouldn't try to do it if you get a gun pointed at your head.  [We'd probably perform the magic trick called "piss yer pants" instead.--Eds.]   David, that's Quite Nice.  It's always good to get over on the armed robbers, because it makes for good headlines.

By Jack Jackson

     Nick Lachey says he still loves Jessica Simpson, even though they're divorcing.  Nick, that's Just Nice.  Er.  Maybe if you still love her, you shouldn't get a divorce.  [Maybe they're sexually incompatible, like if one were into scat and the other were into golden showers.--Eds.]

     John Travolta and Jennifer Lopez will star in a movie called Dallas, which would be based on the City of Dallas.  Er.  No.  It's based on the TV show Dallas which ran for 13 years.  Travolta will play J.R. Ewing.  Dallas movie, Go Take a Nap!  How can you possibly fit 13 years of storylines into a 2-hour movie?  [Maybe they'll make it a two-parter?--Eds.]

     A new Star Trek movie is in the works, and the plotline will surround the early days of Spock and Kirk meeting at the Starfleet Academy.  No word yet on who will play the younger Spock and Kirk, but I can sure tell you I hope they get Gene Rayburn and Hal Linden.

     Lewis Alsamari, who plays a hijacker in United 93, the movie about the fourth plane of September 11, was denied entry into America for the movie's premiere, possibly because he served in the Iraqi army.  Or maybe it's because his name is Alsamari and he's from Iraq.  It is, as they say, hard to say.

     And Tom Petty will fire up the touring buses once more and play some concerts around America this summer.  Honey, fire up the mobile home!

By Jack Jackson

     Okay, sorry for the short column again, but dammit, celebrities just aren't doing the stupid shit these past couple of weeks.  But everyone's talking about two couples and their babies: TomKat and Bradgelina.

     If I understand TomKat's deal rightly, Katie Holmes is now a devotee of Scientology, but she used to be Catholic.  But then Tom Cruise said you can be Catholic and a Scientologist.  And then there's the worry that maybe, but maybe not, that Scientologists aren't supposed to make sounds during burth because it's bad for the baby.  But then Tom said it was okay if she makes a little noise during the burth.  And then someone said it's probably not a rule anyway.  And then there's people that claim Scientology isn't really a religion, but a cult, because it's based on the crazy shit that L. Ron Hubbard wrote and said.  And then critics will argue that a religion that gives you spiritual advancement based on donating huge chunks of cash is unseemly.  But those people are missing the point: women, no matter what religion or cult, should be as quiet as possible during labor, because it is good for the baby.  [So is having two rich parents.--Eds.]

     Bradgelina are visiting Namibia right now and plan on Angelina Jolie burthing her baby in Namibia, because "she loves Namibia."  Bradgelina, that's Quite Nice.  I can see it now on the burth certificate: Bradgelina Ngarikutuke Tjiriange Pitt Jolie.  [Gesundheit!--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Prince Harry, the "wild" prince [Prince Willy is the demur prince?--Eds.], celebrated the end of his military training by getting a lap dance at a "lap dancing club."  I'm not sure what a lap dancing club is, but it sounds Really Quite Nice.  [How will he celebrate after his first kill?--Eds.]

     Frankie Muniz says now that he's done with Malcolm in the Middle, he's going to focus on becoming a professional race car driver "for at least the next two years."  That's Quite Nice.  I hope that works out for you, Frankie.  And don't get killed out there!  We want you to be able to make it to the Malcolm in the Middle Christmas Special Reunion Show next decade!

     Hugh Hefner says that the "mission of sexual liberation is as relevant as ever these days."  Oh, Really?

By Jack Jackson

     George Clooney, Matt Damon, and Brad Pitt have all agreed to make a little art film called Ocean's 13.  For you who are keeping score at home, Ocean's 13 would be the sequel to Ocean's 12, which was the sequel to Ocean's 11, which is a remake of Ocean's 11.  [Tell 'em about Rambo III being the sequel to Rambo: First Blood Part II.--Eds.]  Ocean movies, Go Take a Nap!  Whatever happened to fun and creative sequel titles, like Beneath the Planet of Ocean's 11, or Beyond the Valley of the Ocean's 11?  [We like Ocean's Elevener.--Eds.]

     This sculpture, which supposedly is of Britney Spears having burth on a bearskin rug, will make its pubic debut in April.  The artist, Daniel Edwards, calls it "a new take on pro-life."  Daniel Edwards, Go Take a Nap!  You can say the sculpture is pro-life, but my discerning eye can confirm it's an abortion.  [The terrorists hate our freedom to give birth on bearskin rugs.--Eds.]

     Harrison Ford doesn't like the Interwebs, because it's full of stuff.  He said, "The worst thing about the [Interwebs] is that anything and everything is up for grabs. How can that be, when I limit my public conversations to about once every couple of years? Any kind of rubbish goes on the internet and it can have a fucking life of its own."  Harrison, Go Take a Nap!  The Interwebs is beautiful.  For example, I'd never have seen that pro-life sculpture of Britney without the Interwebs.  [We would've never guessed we were into crush videos and enemas without the Interwebs.--Eds.]

     And the gratefully dead Jerry Garcia's salmon-colored turlet was stolen before it got shipped to that fucked-up casino in Canada that bought William Shatner's kidney stones for $25K.  The turlet costed the casino $2,550, and they're offering only $250 for a reward.  Fucked-up casino in Canada, Go Take a Nap!  If you want that turlet back, you're going to have to offer a bigger reward!  [We want to stand on it so we can be high on pot.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Joan Rivers, 72, created a profile on the online dating service, Match.com.  She's looking for a man between 65 and 75, and doesn't want to get married again.  Joan, Go Take a Nap!  You're not going to find what you want on the Interwebs.  Older men want women with flesh purses, not plasticine purses.

     Steven Tyler says he'll have to cancel some Aerosmith shows because he's having throat surgery.  That's nice.  Maybe the surgery will give him a nice singing voice.  [Maybe they'll fix his face so he doesn't look like the Joker.--Eds.]

     A new study suggests that older women who enjoy daytime talk shows and soap operas have poor memory, attention, and "other cognitive skills."  Oh, Really?  Next thing you'll tell me that people who watch unreality TV have no lives of their own.

     VH1 aired Nena's 99 Luftballoons video consecutively for an hour Sunday afternoon.  Why?  Because for $35K, you could donate money to a Hurricane Katrina relief fund and buy an hour of programming.  You guessed it.  The peckerhead who paid $35K insisted on watching the video for an hour.  Peckerhead, Go Take a Nap!  You gotta break that Nena up a bit, maybe with some Phil Collins or Buggles or Adam Ant.  An hour of Nena is enough to make people riot.  [At least it wasn't a solid hour of amateur karaoke Luftballoons.--Eds.]

     And Prince got sued by NBA player Carlos Boozer because Prince is renting Boozer's house in L.A. and he painted the house purple and marked it up with an ad for his new album.  Boozer wants Prince to put the house back the way it was or leave.  Carlos, Go Take a Nap!  Gettin' your house painted purple by Prince is totally sweet and wicked underground!  [We think that it could be the bomb.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Carol Jantsch became the first female tuba player for a top-five U.S. Symphony last week, the Philadelphia Orchestra.  That's Quite Nice.  Maybe she's like the Jackie Robinson of tuba-playing, and will open a huge flood of female tubaists.  [We like it when women stick to playing meat whistles.--Eds.]

     That great crossover artist, Ice T, er.  No.  It's Ice Cube.  Ice Cube, that great crossover artist, is going to play Mr. Kotter in a movie version of the Teevee show Welcome Back, Kotter.  That's also Quite Nice.  Maybe he's like the Jackie Robinson of sitcoms-turned-movies, and will open a huge flood of black actors portraying white people from 70's sitcoms.  Imagine it: Chris Rock as Mr. Brady, Cuba Gooding as Barney Miller, Forest Whitaker as Sergeant Schultz, some short black guy as Tattoo, ["Little person."--Eds.] and Michael Jackson as Les Nessman.

     A pair of Apache parents sued a Spielberg production company for cutting short their daughter's hair to make her look like a boy because they ran short of boy extras for the show Into the West.  The big beef arises because you're supposed to delay her first haircut for her Coming of Age Ceremony, and then only her parents are supposed to do it.  Apache parents, Go Take a Nap!  You take your daughter to be on Teevee, trying to get some kind of vicarious fame for yourselves, and then you complain when she gets her hair cut for the show.  I'd say take the free haircut and be happy she didn't end up on some unreality TV show.

By Jack Jackson

     Osama Bin Laden's niece, Wafah Dufour Bin Ladin, will star in her own unreality TV show about her life in her quest for stardom.  Wafah, Go Take a Nap!  And tell your uncle to stop with the terrorist shit.  [We don't think he exists.--Eds.]

     Usher--the rapper, not the guy who helps ush you at the movies--wants to help teenagers by teaching them how to have successful careers in the sports and entertainment industry.  Usher, Go Take a Nap!  How are you going to teach teenagers how to give agents and producers blowjobs without getting into trouble?

     And speaking of teenage blowjobs, Michael Jackson owes his Neverland Ranch workers back pay and penalties to the tune of over $400K.  An accountant at his molestation trial claimed he has an "ongoing cash crisis" caused by spending $20 to $30 million each year beyond his income.  Jacko, Go Take a Nap!  An ongoing cash crisis is when I'm at Dad's Beer Night and I've only got $3 to spend and I've got to keep asking people to buy me beers.  Going in the hole $30 Million each year is, well, trickle-down economics.  Pay your workers, you egotistical bastard!

     On a closing note, how do you know when a rimjob is done?  [You just know.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     It appears that this whole Kid Rock Scott Stapp sex tape thing just won't die.  I want you all to know out there in the Interwebslanden that I don't give two shits one way or the other as to whether I see this tape.  All I know is that I probably won't enter into the collective subconscious until I do see it.  But that is irrelevant, of course, to the matters at hand.

     Kid Rock blames Stapp for the whole thing, going so far as to call Stapp "the idiot because it's out."  For you who have been left in the dark, the video depicts Kid Rock and Stapp getting (how do urbanites say it?) jiggy with four groupies [they get hard cocks and women make the hard cocks come.--Eds.]  Kid Rock allegedly invited Stapp to the filming and described two of the four women as extra beers, and offered one (or two) to Stapp.  So, Mr. Kid Rock, can you explain to me, just try to explain to me, please give it the old college try, because I really would like to understand this one, how Stapp is to blame for the sex tape?  Kid Rock, Go Take a Nap!  When you've got four bitches, don't go sharin' them with some creepy Creed dude who claims to be Christian.  Just fuck 'em all, fuck 'em all rotten, and please, baby, please, (all together now) Don't Film Your Sex!  [We would like it if Kid Rock bought a new midget with which to roll.--Eds.]

     But this shit just gets better.  Stapp says the sex tape . . . let me quote this exactly, because it's too rich to get wrong: "Obviously someone wants to hurt me and doesn't want me to be successful in my solo career."  Stapp, Go Take a Nap!  First, no one wants you to be successful in your solo career, because people have long written that off as impossible.  I suppose it's possible that someone wants you to pull this one off, but c'mon, Stappy!  Do you really think someone needs a sex tape to make you fail?  All you have to do to fail is to be yourself.

     "I should have burned that tape," Stapp said.  Oh Really?

      Macaulay Culkin now has some doubts as to whether or not acting is for him.  Macaulay, I share these doubts.

     I would be remiss, so pitifully remiss, if I were to ignore tonight's Oscars telecast.  And so, here we go:

     John Stewart, kurrent king of the Jewish comoedians, you played it so safe, so safe that I wondered how they hid Richard Klein's fist up your ass.  And then we have the nice montages, so nice I fell asleep.  And can we stop presenting technical awards?  No one cares, no one cares.  [We think someone does, because they give the awards.--Eds.]  And how nice was it to split up Best Director and Best Motion Picture between Crash and Brokeback Mountain?  That way racism and homophobia can unite in Oscar smugness.

By Jack Jackson

     Kid Rock has won a temporary restraining order (TRO) to keep World Wide Red Light District from distributing over the Interwebs a 1999 video of him and Creed's Scott Stapp banging four chicks in a tour bus.  Yes, it was that Scott Stapp of Creed who claims he's a Christian.  Scott Stapp, Go Take a Nap!  When you bang four chicks, you're not a Christian.  That makes you Mormon.  [Mormon's still technically Christian but you have to marry them all.--Eds.]  Kid Rock, Go Take a Nap!  If you don't want video of you and Scott tapping four groupies out on the Interwebs, then (all together now) Don't Film Your Sex.  It's a simple rule, but it's a simple problem.

     Media misanthrope Barry Bonds now requires all reporters to sign waivers for one-on-one interviews allowing him to use any of the footage for his upcoming unreality TV show.  The twist?  ESPN Original Entertainment is filming the show, but ESPN reporters won't sign the waivers.  Sounds like it's going to be a great show.

     Martha Stewart says Donald Trump is "juvenile, evil, unethical, and immoral."  Oh, Really?  That's interesting coming from a convicted felon.  [She just wanted to make some extra money.--Eds.]

     And Director Lee Tamahori, who copped to soliciting an undercover L.A. police officer while in drag, will have to clean the streets of Los Angeles as part of his sentence.  L.A., Go Take a Nap!  Do you really think the best punishment for someone soliciting sex is to make them go walk the streets of L.A.?  And do you think it's really so big of a crime to want to sell sexual favors to strangers?

By Jack Jackson

     Welcome to the all-charity edition of Go Take a Nap!

     The self-aggrandizing Bono is going to donate one of his guitars to Brazil's Zero Hunger effort.  Bono, Go Take a Nap!  If you want to end hunger in Brazil, how in the hell is one of your lame-ass guitars going to help?  No one can eat a guitar, not even the Brazilians.  [Maybe he should donate non-perishable goods instead?--Eds.]

     Barry and Robin Gibb, the two living members of the Bee Gees (Maurice is dead) [So is Andy.--Eds.] (Andy wasn't in the Bee Gees.--Jack Jackson), are "reuniting" in Miami for a charity concert.  The money will go to diabetes research.  Barry and Robin, Go Take a Nap!  The two of you reuniting is liable to give someone diabetes, not cure it.  And how can yo reunite if Maurice is dead?  [Maybe they should donate some guitars instead?--Eds.]

     And Atlanta's Morehouse College, an "arts college for black American men," is getting Ray Charles' touring bus.  It "will be used for student trips."  That's Quite Nice.

By Jack Jackson

     Introducing the all-new Jack Jackson Ratings System (from worst to best):

     Go Take a Nap!
     Oh, Really?
     Just Nice
     Quite Nice
     Really Quite Nice

     XM Radio signed Oprah Winfrey to do a weekly satellite radio show called Oprah & Friends.  Oprah, Go Take a Nap!  You don't need any more money and I'm sure as shit not paying to hear you talk about anything.

     George Clooney, although nominated three ways for an Oscar this year, said he doesn't expect to win one.  Oh, Really?

     Britney Spears finally admitted that she made a mistake for driving away from paparazzi with her baby on her lap, not properly restrained in a car seat.  She said she was afraid at the time, but now realizes that "it is what it is, I guess."  Britney, that's Just Nice.

     Jennifer Lopez wants Hispanics in New York City to donate their bone marrow to a Dominican woman who lives there.  Jennifer, that's Quite Nice.

     And ABC Family aired Cruel Intentions this week in prime time.  You know, ABC Family, that family channel what airs family-oriented programming?  In case you forgot, Cruel Intentions, according to the TV listings, is about "A high-school student [who] bets he can bed a virginal classmate. If he wins, he gets his stepsister for one night. If he loses, she gets his vintage car."  And they forgot the part about how if he wins, he also gets to put "it" "anywhere" in or on his stepsister.  ABC Family, that's Really Quite Nice.ABC Family, that's Really Quite Nice.

By Jack Jackson

     Bryan Adams said he's written 30 songs for his newest album, but he only loves three of them.  That's odd, since I'm guessing I would love about zero of them.

     An Italian priest wants Michael Jackson to sing on a CD of Pope John Paul II's prayers.  I get the joke.  You see, both priests and Michael Jackson like to cornhole boys in the pooholes, allegedly, and they need some background music for the dirty deed.  Italian priest, Go Take a Nap!  You shouldn't bee cornholin' kids' pooholes, with or without music to do it by.

     Lee Tamahori, director of Die Another Day, was arrested for offering up oral sex (blowjob) for cash while dressed in a dress and wig.  A friend of Tamahori's said, "He's always been kinky in his private life, but the transexual thing was a shock. He's never shown any interest in men sexually."  Tamahori is also known as a latex fetishist and goes clubbing in tight rubber suits.  Tamahori, Go Take a Nap!  You can't have, like, eight fetishes.  You're spreading yourself too thin.  You've got latex, cross-dressing, and oral sex to strangers for cash.  Whatever happened to smoothies and female ejaculation?  [We want to watch barely legal girls hiccup on bare mattresses.--Eds.]

     And Freddie Prinze, Jr. says he's busy on his show, Freddie, because he is the "title star, . . . co-creator, co-writer, and co-executive producer of the ABC sitcom."  Well, at least we know whom to blame.  Freddie, Go Take a Nap!  Give up on that terrible show and do what you would make more money at: gay pr0nomonographies.

By Jack Jackson

     The new Marlon Brando biography, Unzipped, allegedly has a picture of Brando engaged in oral sex with . . . dun-dun-dun . . . another man.  The publisher Blood Moon understands that the picture and subject matter "may shock some readers" but they claim the matter is treated "tastefully."  Blood Moon, Go Take a Nap!  The only reason anyone will buy the book is because of the picture, and you know it.  Quit acting like you care what the readers think.  And so what if Brando smoked a few cocks or got his cock smoked by a dude in his day?  You gotta use it or lose it.  [We think all blowjobs should be tasteful.--Eds.]

     Michael Jackson went shopping in Manama (do-doo-do-do-do), Bahrain wearing an abaya, a black gown traditionally worn by women.  But wait, that's not the joke, and that's not funny even if it were the joke, because cross-dressing is not funny.  [And he may be a woman, anyway.--Eds.]  The joke is that he's been visiting Sheik Abdullah bin Hamad Al Khalifa, son of the king of Bahrain, to negotiate a position as consultant for "theme parks and music academies in the Middle East."  Sheik Abdullah, Go Take a Nap!  I don't think Jacko is the person you want consulting you on how to make a theme park.  [Maybe it will feature giraffes wading in their own blood and feces?--Eds.]

     Richard Hatch, the first winner of Survivor, was convicted for failing to pay taxes on his winnings.  Oops!  I mean, I'm sure it's easy to forget to pay income tax on a million dollars.

     And Victor Willis, the policeman of the Village People, failed to show up to court for sentencing for a drug and gun possession charge.  Victor, Go Take a Nap!  Just because you dressed up as a cop doesn't mean you can snub the law.  You should show up to court and go to jail like a good little citizen.  Think of it as your civic duty.  [Maybe he's hiding out at the YMCA?--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Controversy reigned this week as PETA alleged that Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch is neglecting his zoo animals.  A letter claimed the conditions were "abysmal" for giraffes and elephants, supposedly wandering in their own piss, shit, and blood [Maybe they're into that.--Eds.].  Then the U.S. Department of Agriculture visited to inspect the grounds, and claimed nothing too bad was happening to the animals.  U.S. Department of Agriculture, Go Take a Nap!  Even if the animals are not wallowing in their own piss, shit, and blood, they're freaking stuck on Neverland Ranch!  How in the hell can that be okay?  [Macaulay didn't mind.--Eds.]

     William Shatner sold one of his kidney stones for $25,000.  Yes, that's the number 25 followed by three (3) zeroes.  That's something like 100,000 tacos on cheap taco night.  Who bought it?  An online casino.  Oddly enough, Shatner turned down their first offer of $15,000.  [We would've offered a trade for our ingrown hair collection.--Eds.]  But it's all good, because the money went to charity, the Habitat for Humanity.  The stone will join the online casino's half-eaten Virgin Mary cheese sandwich.  [Insert jokes about kidney stones, cheese sandwiches, Virgin birth, and toupees here.]

     And Christopher Lee said that Hollywood has changed from when he started in the business.  He said that it was too bad that actors are getting roles for their looks and not their talent.  Christopher, Go Take a Nap!  Stop selling yourself so short!  You got your roles because you're a good-looking guy, too!

By Jack Jackson

     A BBC magazine called Homes and Antiques declared that Björk was voted as the "world's most eccentric celebrity" by 6,000 voters.  Homes and Antiques, Go Take a Nap!  Your poll is all wrong.  I mean, Björk over Michael Jackson, who didn't even make it in the top ten?  What about Phil Spector?  Just because you wear a swan dress to the Oscars doesn't mean you're eccentric.  [What about Michael Jackson?--Eds.]

     Tennis star Andy Roddick wants tennis players to unionize because they're getting too many injuries (tennis elbows?) from the intense tennis schedule that has no real off season.  Andy, Go Take a Nap!  If you want to take a break from playing tennis because your joints hurt, then go right ahead.  I'm sure you can find something to do on vacation.  You could count your money, for example.  [He could soak his elbow in an ice bath.--Eds.]

     Pamela Anderson wants Kentucky's State Capitol (Frankfurt) to remove its statue of Colonel Sanders because it is a "monument to cruelty" to chickens.  Pamela, Go Take a Nap!  Everyone knows that they don't serve real chicken at KFC.  That stuff comes from the moon, just like Cool Whip, Easy Cheese, Oreo creme, Funyuns, Velveeta, and Gummi Bears.  [And Chick-O-Sticks.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     This guy, , David Lee Roth, says that the "inevitable will happen" when referring to a reunion of Van Halen.  If by "inevitable" he means "embarrassing attempt to make more money," then yes it's inevitable.  Just do me one small favor, guys: keep the leather pants at home.  Maybe you can wear some tasteful Eddie Bauer shit instead?  [We're into fifty-somethings in leather.--Eds]

     Pete Townshend warned iPod users to turn down the volume or else risk hearing damage.  Pete, Go Take a Nap!  You telling people to turn music down is like Hitler telling people to watch out for Zyklon B.  [Or like Dolly Parton to beware of big tits.--Eds.]

     The British po-po want to talk to Kate Moss about her cocaine binge and she's not talking.  In fact, she's conveniently busy in America.  "Her work commitments have kept her out of the country, and when the timetable allows she will return," a friend said.  Um, okay.  The police want you for questioning and you suddenly develop a busy schedule.  I've got some better ones, Kate.  How about "My dog ate my cocaine" or "My grandpa just died" or "I've got to buff my corns"?  [We want to see her snort cocaine off of another model's butt.--Eds.]

     And Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo said he plans to finish his English degree at Harvard.  Jack Jackson plans to ask Rivers Cuomo why.  [Maybe he's the kind of guy that has to finish what he starts.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Nothing new to report yet this year.