By Jack Jackson

     Matt Damon said doing a love scene with Angelina Jolie was weird, because he's good friends with her and Brad Pitt, and so I guess he's a little uncomfortable pretending to bang her because you never know when Brad's gonna get all Tyler Durden on your ass.  Matt and Angelina, Go Take a Nap!  Do you really think you can't fake make-out and dry hump and not have it be all weird?  I mean, much weirder shit than that's going on in Hollywood on a per-nanosecond basis.  [Yeah, like when Abe Vigoda and Ruth Buzzi make White Russians with Tia Maria instead of Kahlua.--Eds.]

     Readers of two online dog magazines, The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog, voted Britney Spears as the worst celebrity dog owner.  Damn.  That's harsh, people.  [Would she be the best celebrity dog owner in the Bizarro World?--Eds.]  Readers of online dog magazines, Go Take a Nap!  Why you got to be hatin' allatime?  Can't we be spreadin' some love now and then?  And why can't you cheap asses go buy a hard copy of a dog magazine now and then?  It's better for the economy than just clicking a bunch of stuff all day.

     Eminem re-divorced his wife-ex-wife-wife again.  Er.  Well, she's now his wife-ex-wife-wife-ex-wife.  So, that's good.  I mean, it's good to test the waters before you're really sure about commitment, right?  [The third time's the charm.--Eds.]

     Aaron Carter, you know that Aaron Carter who proposed onstage to a Playmate whom he'd known for only a week, says now he's totally in love with another woman he's known for seven days.  But don't take my word for it.  Take the word from the guy who's feeling it: "I've only known her for, like, seven days, but I have a connection with her that's like nothing else I've ever experienced," he said.  Aaron, that's Quite Nice.  But I think the feeling you've got right now is what's called mind-blowing sex with a new partner.  That's usually gonna last about a week.  Then you've got to move on to the next hot thing, or get some sex toys, or admit to each other some of your fetishes.  [Variety is the spice of life.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Nicole Richie got her bony ass arrested because she was driving all crazy-bitch on the California freeways.  An officer put her in her passenger seat and drove her car away and she admitted that she'd been smoking marihuana and popping Vicodin.  Nicole, Go Take a Nap!  You don't tell the cops that!  You say stuff like, "I'm not admitting I'm bombed on pills and grass until I get me a good goddamn lawyer!" [When we smoke grass and pop pills, we like to get in our Little Rascal and drive it around the house real fast.--Eds.]

     The 118th annual Tournament of Roses will feature a Star Wars Spectacular, with 200 Storm Troopers from the 501st Legion, a fan club whose members make their own Storm Trooper outfits.  [Nerds!--Eds.]  Tournament of Roses, Go Take a Nap!  Parades are stupid.  I mean, they are stupid, stupid, stupid.  Filling up balloons and walking 'em around town is not good entertainment.  [It's a celebration of specialness.--Eds.]

     The Parents Television Council reported that TV is not talking about religion enough and when it does, it's usually in a negative way.  Parents Television Council, Go Take a Nap!  Reporting about religion on TV isn't going to get the Baby Jeebus back on this planet any sooner!  We need to get together and pray in a new fancy church!  [Maybe we should just sin so much that Jeebus has to come back?--Eds.]

     The INHD channel will air a high-definition fireplace burning for 24 hours on Christmas.  Well, there you go, Parents Television Council.  A burning fireplace is a pretty positive depiction of religion, don't you think?

     And form Bee Gee Barry Gibb is going to make a country album.  Barry, that's Just Nice.  But don't we have enough country albums already?  [This one will be different.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     It had to happen, didn't it?  Just a few weeks after Lance Bass got lanced by the media, he and his boyfriend, some dude from some stupid-ass unreality tevee show, broke up.  Lance, Go Take a Nap!  You and that unreality tevee dude had something special and now it's all gone to hell.  [We had some corns lanced last dusk.--Eds.]  {Did you try picking them first?--Jack Jackson.}  [Yes, they were too big and deep.--Eds.]

     Nicolas Cage says he's going to act less, and start to take more time between movies.  He wants to develop independent cinema in the Bahamas, for one thing.  [Maybe he learn to crochet?--Eds.]  Nicolas, that's Just Nice.  I, for one, will be glad to see less of you because let's face it, we don't need to see you in any more than, oh, one movie every fiscal year, right?  [That's enough for us, but can the next one be Face/Off II: Facier/Offier?--Eds.]

     I watched the Miami Vice movie last night.  It's okay if you watch it in 2x mode, but normal speed for when people get all shot up.

By Jack Jackson

     Paris Hilton cancelled her appearance at the Billboard Music Awards because the patter-writer wrote some patter for her which satirized her peers and she was uncomfortable with that.  Or, as her spokesman, Elliot Mintz put it: "It is my understanding that some satirical references ridiculed some of her peers.  Paris did not want to say anything that could appear hurtful or embarrassing about people she knows."  Paris, Go Take a Nap!  Weren't you the one drunkenly laughing at Brandon Davis slamming Lindsay Lohan for having a fire crotch?  [Is it so bad to have a fire crotch?--Eds.]  And wasn't he also slamming Lohan for being poor with only $7Million?  [Is it so bad to only have seven million dollars?--Eds.]  And didn't he also say Lohan had a seven-foot clitoris?  [Okay, it could be pretty bad to have a seven-foot clitoris.--Eds.]  I know you didn't say that stuff, Paris, but I'm thinking guilt by association and tacit approval here.  So get your bony ass to the Billboard Music Awards and slam your friends on the tevee, because we know you're probably doing it off camera.

     Speaking of Lohan, she's going to AA meetings, which I guess is a good thing, but she is only 20 and maybe she's young enough to just drink her way out of it.  [That's how we continue to do it.--Eds.]  But Lohan, that's Quite Nice.  I want to see you get better and maybe drinking less will shorten your seven-foot clitoris.  [We want pictures.--Eds.]

     Speaking of drinking, after Danny DeVito did The View drunk [Can you blame him?--Eds.], George Clooney told Today that the reason why DeVito was drunk was because they both did a grip of shots of limoncello together at a restaurant.  George and Danny, Go Take a Nap!  You shouldn't shoot limoncello.  That's sort of college of you.  Next time, have them chill it and strain it into a cocktail glass and drink like the classy gents you are.  [We drink the box wine from the box spout.--Eds.]

     An ABBA museum will open in Sweden in 2008.  Honey, fire up the RV!  [You can't drive an RV to Sweden.--Eds.]  {I would for ABBA.--Jack Jackson.}

     The Rockefeller Plaza lit up its stupidly big Christmas tree again.  Oh, Really?

By Jack Jackson

     A fan of Linkin Park used a national security lab computer to find out Chester Bennington's cell phone number.  For those of you who aren't fans of Linkin Park [Is that in Chicago?--Eds.], Mr. Bennington is the lead singer.  He's probably the one person in the world whose phone number you'd really like to have.  I mean, if you had access to a computer which had everyone's cell phone number in it, we'd all pick Mr. Bennington, right?  [We want to call Fran Dresher.--Eds.]  But the fan who got the number mucked it all up because she also got Mrs. Bennington's email address and threatened her.  Fan of Linkin Park, Go Take a Nap!  You had a good thing going.  You could've called Mr. Bennington all the time and told him how awesome his music is, but you had to go all mean-on-the-wifey on the wifey.

     David Blaine ended his latest "stunt" in Times Square.  He was apparently shackled to a gyroscope for 52 hours, and then he got out and was thirsty and hungry.  David, Go Take a Nap!  Next time you get chained in a gyroscope, put some food and water in there!  [And why not also a cell phone with Internet access?--Eds.]   And when are you going to admit you have a being-starved-and-chained-to-a-gyroscope fetish?

     Barbara Walters said that Kelly Ripa and Rosie O'Donnell aren't mad at each other anymore.  Their feud started because Ripa was afraid of Clay Aiken's hand because she didn't know where it'd been.  [We have a few guesses.--Eds.]  Then Rosie said it was homophobic to be worried about where a gay man's hand has been, even though Mr. Aiken hasn't been officially lanced yet.  [We hope he's straight, so he can help us preserve the human race.--Eds.]  Barbara Walters, Go Take a Nap!  Don't tell me this feud is over!  I want it to go on for a few more weeks like when pro wrestlers get real mad at each other and their feud lasts for a few episodes until some other crazy shit happens.

     Orenthal J. Simpson admitted he signed on to write "If I Did It" for the money.  Oh, Really?

     And France will not allow minors to see Saw III at theaters because of its "violence and intolerable, incessant sadism."  France, Go Take a Nap!  How else will the children of the world learn about violence and sadism?  [They could rent Saw II.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Yes, some stuff happened this week in the crazy-hazy world of celebrity.  But I'm not in the mood for caring about TomKat's wedding.  I mean, what is the sound of two Scientologists getting married in the woods?  I think it probably sounds like a bunch of money hitting a fan.  And if you don't know what that sounds like, just throw some money into a fan.

     So maybe this week I'll tell you about the new Casino Royale.  Yup.  Here's another movie that's about an hour or two too long.  I don't have an enlarged prostate, but this is the kind of movie that can give you one.  [Or two.--Eds.]  Eh.  Daniel Craig is okay.  He's certainly no George Lazenby.  [No one is.--Eds.]  There are exotic locales.  There are villains who have scars.  There are even villains who bleed out of their eyes and try to make their own crush videos by ball slapping weighted ropes into 007's scrotum repeatedly.  [We want to see the bonus footage.--Eds.]

     You know, it wasn't too long ago, maybe as recently as when Ike was in command, when filming one man beating the shit out of another's testicles was enough to put you behind bars.  But today, they call it cinema.  I wonder what the €-trash think of these things.  [They invented them.--Eds.]

     But I mean, seriously, James Bond's testicles get whacked over and over and over again.  And it looks like it hurts.  And someone, someone right now [Probably at least three people--Eds.] is masturbating onto a cum-sheet thinking of that scene, because either they wished it was their testicles getting whacked, or that they were doing the whacking.  [That's the whacker and the whackee.--Eds.]

     I just want to know how many people saw Casino Royale this weekend who also complained about seeing Janet Jackson's areola.  I can't imagine what they're saying right now after watching James Bond get his genitalia mashed.  [They didn't actually show his balls get smashed.  It's called "imagineering."--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     After burfing two of K-Fed's babies, Britney Spears texted him to tell him she's divorcing him.  First, that's cold, Britney, damn cold.  You use the sperm of a man you love to fill up your tummy with his love chillren, and you text him to tell him you're splitsville?  I mean, wasn't there at least a telegraph office nearby?  [Or some sticky notes?--Eds.]  And second, Britney, Go Take a Nap!  If all you wanted was to bring two more of his love chillren into this crazy-hazy world, you didn't need to marry the dude.  Next time, just walk up to a guy and say, "Excuse me, kind sir, but I'd like you to use me as a cum dump and get me knocked up two times.  No strings attached."  That ought to do it.

     Genesis, including Phil Collins, is getting back together for a two-month tour.  The band is saying that it's not about the money.  Genesis, Go Take a Nap!  If it's not about the money, what the hell is it about?  [It's certainly not about the music.--Eds.]

     Sir Elton John said he would ban religion if he could, because it engenders hatred towards homosexuals.  Sir Elton, Go Take a Nap!  If we didn't have religion, we wouldn't have all those nice tax-free churches everywhere!  You know, those buildings where you can wake up early on your day off and get all gussied up and take your kids and have your whole family get lied to and then after you leave your kids can stay behind to help blow out all the candles and get sexually abused and live in perpetual fear of hell?  [God wants homosexuality to be a sin because his boyfriend thinks the sex is hotter that way.--Eds.]

     Guns N' Roses cancelled a Maine concert because they couldn't drink alcohol on stage.  GN'R, that's Quite Nice.  I wouldn't perform unless I could get totally trashed onstage, either.  [We refuse to edit this damn column unless we can drink.--Eds.]

     And Reichen Lemkuhl, Lance Bass's main squeeze, has come up with a new term for when a person is "outed by someone in the public media."  He calls it "a lancing."  Reichen, that's Just Nice.  But couldn't you come up with a nicer-sounding word?  I mean, getting "lanced" sounds like you just got a boil removed.  [How about a "bassing" instead?--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Bob Barker is going to retire next June, after fifty years on TV.  Bob, That's Quite Nice.  But I always thought they'd have to pry that stick microphone from your cold, dead hands.  Seeing that you're retiring willingly, I'd like to be among the first to toss my hat into the ring of possible replacements.  I know I'd be great at it, and I love it when people shove their hands down my pockets for money.  [We like it when people shove their hands down our pants for honey.--Eds.]

     Jackie Chan hates speaking dialogue in English because directors want it perfect.  He often drops the "S" in plural forms and screws up verb tenses.  Jackie, Go Take a  Nap!  If you want to be in American movies, you better learn how to speak American!  ["Rush Hour" is the universal language.--Eds.]

     Actor Neil Patrick Harris, a.k.a. Doogie Howser, announced he's gay to the world.  He joins Lance Bass and George Takei as officially outing themselves, and stands clear of Bryan Singer and Oprah Winfrey, who have recently publicly announced they definitely are not gay.  Alright, so who's keeping the "Gay/Not Gay" celebrity list?   And when can I start the "Into Bestiality/Not Into Bestiality" list?  [We want to start the "Into Nyotaimori/Not Into Nyotaimori" list.--Eds.]

     Maya Rudolph of SNL is suing because her SoHo apartment building condo has bedbugs.  She was told the apartment was "perfect" but apparently it wasn't quite perfect.  She, her baby's daddy, and the baby, were getting "bitten over portions of their bodies by bedbugs."  Maya, Go Take a Nap!  Having bedbugs in Manhattan is about as close to perfect as you can get.  Just be thankful the C.H.U.D. weren't there to greet you in your sleep!  [Or that radioactive alligator that kid flushed down the toilet that one time.--Eds.]

     Two of the original members of Culture Club called Boy George "dreadful" and said he made their lives a "misery."  Original members of Culture Club, Go Take a Nap!  I'm sure people would care about what you have to say if you weren't in a band with Boy George, but why not pipe down and just cash your royalty checks and go be nice droogs?

     And Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210 are coming out on DVD.  Can someone say "Christmas"?  [Can someone say "Kwanzaa"?--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     [Because Jack Jackson was on an extended bender this weekend, his nephew, Billy, aged eleven, took over the helm this week.--Eds.]

     Hey, Internet people!  I'm Mean Uncle Jack's little nephew Billy!  He said I could type some stuff here and then I have to go take a nap, or something.

     Okay, so first, Daniel Radcliffe, that dorky kid who plays Harry Potter, said being famous makes it hard for him to date.  Daniel, that's stooopid.  Just go to any rest area along I-80 and you can date a bunch of guys all at the same time!

     Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philippe are divorcing.  That's too bad.  Think of the children!  I always liked Ryan and thought he would be a good dad, especially ever since I saw Cruel Intentions and he made that bet with Buffy that he could put "it" anywhere if he won that bet.  And Buffy only got his Jaguar if he lost!  Ryan's a hard bargainer!

     I want some more Yu-Gi-Oh! cards for Christmas.  I need a couple of more decks so I can have a better chance of beating Topher and Tracin next door.  Their parents love them more because they have more decks.

     Okay, bye!

By Jack Jackson

     George Michael says he smokes marihuana because it keeps him "sane and happy."  [Our generation called it "grass."--Eds.]  George, Go Take a Nap!  If everyone ran around this world doing the drugs that made them sane and happy, we'd have a sane and happy world!  We can't have that.  [Collecting scented candles keeps us sane and happy.--Eds.]

     Haley Joel Osment pled no contest to DUI, because he blew .16 and got medieval on a mailbox.  Haley, Go Take a Nap!  You're 18!  If you're tooling around trashed and trashing mailboxes at 18, what kind of crazy shit are you going to be doing at the age of 20?  [We still liked whoopee cushions well into our thirties.--Eds.]

     Lindsay Lohan and Keira Knightley will play lesbians in a docudrama about Dylan Thomas.  They will have "some very erotic scenes together."  Hollywood, that's Really Quite Nice.  I've been saying for years that that fire crotch Lohan and that pirate Knightley ought to be in pictures together, in erotic scenes together.  [We would be extras, if asked.--Eds.]

     And Jackie Chan says he feels frustrated by Hollywood's safety rules.  Jackie, Go Take a Nap!  The rules are there for a reason!  We want you to be safe and happy, not hurt and unhappy.  If the safety rules keep you alive long enough to make Rush Hour 8, I'm all fer 'em.

By Jack Jackson

     Scarlett Johansson had a lot to say this week.  First, she's happy with her boyfriend, Josh Hartnett, but she thinks monogamy might be against instinct. [Might be?--Eds.]  She also said that she is not promiscuous, but that she gets tested for HIV every six months.  Scarlett, that's Just Nice.  Josh must be very happy to have a girl like you who is ready to prove she doesn't have HIV on a biennial basis.  But just think how much better he would feel if you got tested on a monthly basis.  [We'd feel a lot better if she were promiscuous with her mouth, with our penises.--Eds.]

     Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton were seen together at an L.A. steakhouse, and then texting together from a bench.  What they were doing in a steakhouse is beyond me.  I mean, it's not like either of them were going to eat a steak there.  And texting from a bench?  Nicole and Paris, Go Take a Nap!  All of the A-list celebrities know the cool way to communicate is through telepathy.  Or have you two B-listers not evolved that far yet?  [We're thinking of a number between 30A and 32A.--Eds.]

     Country singer Sara Evans filed for divorce, alleging her husband "committed adultery, was verbally and emotionally abusive, drank excessively and and frequently watched pornography in their home."  Sara, Go Take a Nap!  Those aren't grounds for divorce!  Those are country music lyrics!  [Is there something wrong with frequently watching pornography in your home?--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Peter Falk says he supplied his own coat for the role of Columbo.  Peter, that's Quite Nice.  Did you supply your own socks, too?  [We supplied his underwear.--Eds.]

     Bradgelina took their kid for a rickshaw ride in Pune, India.  Bradgelina, that's Really Quite Nice.  Next time, I want to ride along.  [We want to go, too.--Eds.]

      Bath & Body Works is teaming up with Elton John's "passion for candles" to make a new line of scented candles, scented stones, and home fragrance oils called the The Elton John Fireside Home Fragrance Collection.  [We want a candle in the wind.--Eds.]  Elton, that's Just Nice.  While I do not have a passion for candles, I do have a passion for scented stones.  As a matter of fact, I keep a huge pile of scented stones in the corner of my closet.  [Those aren't stones.--Eds.]

     Singer Katie Melua set a Guinness World Record by performing two one-hour concerts 994 feet under the North Sea in the hollow concrete leg of an oil platform.  I'm not sure exactly what record that broke, but Katie, that's Just Nice.  You're doing a lot of good for the seaworld.  [We wish she would've streamed it onto the Interwebs.--Eds.]

     Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini said don't masturbate during Ramadan.  Sayyid, Go Take a Nap!  If you want to masturbate during Ramadan, masturbate during Ramadan!  Do you want to get prostate cancer?  [Use it or lose it.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Aaron Carter and his fiancee canceled their engagement just six days after he announced it onstage, which was just five days after he met her.  If you want me to do the math, I will.  Six plus five is eleven.  He knew her eleven days before he proposed.  Aaron, Go Take a Nap!  You can't tell whether you love someone after eleven days!  That's barely enough time to test out all the bells and whistles.  [We like to play with things awhile, before committing.--Eds.]

     Russell Crowe says he will not play his dearly departed good friend and quondam crocodile hunter, Steve Irwin, in a movie.  He said that such rumors were "appalling."  Russell, Go Take a Nap!  It's not appalling when Hollywood comes a-knockin' on your door.  It's appealing, it's a appalling, it's a polliwog, it's a paragon, it's a Popeye, it's a panic, and it's a pip and it's a principal lad.  It's de-lovely!  [I understand the reason why you're sentimental 'cause so am I.--Eds.]

     Mel Gibson equated the war in Iraq to human sacrifice because we are sending our troops there for no reason.  Mel, Go Take a Nap!  We're sending our troops to Iraq for a very good reason!  We like to kill people!  [We just want their gems and jewels.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     The average American home now has in it, on average, more TVs than people.  There are 2.73 TVs in the American home today, with 2.55 people inside.  If you want me to do the math, I will.  That's exactly .18 more TVs than human beings in this country.  People of America!  We are being outnumbered!  The TVs are winning the war and flooding our country with their vapid cultural values!  We need to start having more sex right now to close the gap!  [Not gay sex, though.  That only produces butt babies.--Eds.]  TVs, Go Take a Nap!  We will never give in!  We shall prevail!

     On a completely unrelated note, TV watching hit a new record high last year.  The average home has a TV on for eight hours and fourteen minutes.  Dammit people!  First the TVs outnumber us, and now we watch them more than ever.  If this keeps up, TVs are going to win this war!  We've got to fight back, strike back, hit 'em where it hurts!  We need to watch TV only seven hours a day.  No more.  [Can we watch for seven hours and thirty-two minutes?--Eds.]

     PETA wants Six Flags America to cancel its cockroach-eating contest.  The record is 36 baked roaches in one minute.  [We could eat about zero in ten hours.--Eds.]  PETA, Go Take a Nap!  If people want to eat bugs, they're going to eat bugs.  And people like to eat animals, because things like bacon taste totally awesome.  [Pastrami is up there, too.-Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Nicole Richie admitted that she "definitely" looks too thin, but that when she looks at herself in the mirror, she thinks she looks okay.  She blamed her thinness was caused by stress from paparazzi, and claimed she's not anorexic or bulimic.  Nicole, Go Take a Nap!  You can't look both okay and too thin.  And photographers aren't making you too skinny.  You're too skinny because you aren't eating food.  Food is a necessary part of a human being's life.  [She's too talented to waste time on food.--Eds.]

     Ben Affleck was surprised he won an acting award at the Venice Film Festival for his role as George Reeves in Hollywoodland.  Ben, I'm surprised, too.  [He laid the groundwork for the award in Gigli.--Eds.]

     A dead body washed up to where a crew was filming a scene from CSI: Miami.  This ties the CSI: New York crew, who found a dead body in a building while their were filming.  CSI: Miami, that's Just Nice.  Maybe you can take the lead in finding dead bodies next week.  [We're rooting for the original CSI.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Paris Hilton had a margarita, then sped and drove "erratically" and got pulled over.  "Maybe I was speeding a little bit and I got pulled over.  I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an In-N-Out Burger," she said.  Paris, Go Take a Nap!  I know, I know.  In-N-Out Burger is really, really good.  They hand-cut the potatoes so the fries are always fresh and they are one of the only burger chains that insists on testing all their beef for E. coli.  But when you get hungry like that, you've got to keep your shit under control, baby.  They aren't going to run out of burgers while you drive the speed limit.  And driving erratically?  C'mon, now!  You can do better than that.  Los Angeles is a big town with lots of freeways and in order for everyone to get where they're going, we all need to drive responsibly or else the whole system will break down.  Think about it: one person driving erratically on the 5 is enough to ruin traffic for miles in both directions.  [We only drive erratically when we're jonesin' for a In-N-Out Burger Animal Style--Eds.]

     Britney Spears will allegedly name her next burfed baby Jailynn.  Jailynn is a "mash-up" of her parents' names: Jamie and Lynn, and she also has a little sister named Jamie Lynn.  Britney, Go Take a Nap!  The obvious choice for your second burfed baby name is Lynn Jamie.  Your third burfed baby can be called Jamie Lynn.  The fourth shall be Lymmie, and the fifth can be called Jailynn.  The sixth shall be Jamie.  The seventh shall be Lynn.  The eighth, if you get to it, shall be Jamie-Jamie.  [We like Lynn-Jam.--Eds.]

     Brad Pitt won't get married to Angelina Jolie until all people who want to get married can, referring to homosexual marriage bans.  Brad, that's Just Nice.  You go ahead and stay living in sin all you want.  I'm getting married to my ass next week.  Would you like to kiss the bride?  [Gay marriage will lead to people marrying their own dogs.--Eds]

     And Lindsay Lohan lost her bag at Heathrow but someone turned it in to her.  It was filled with a bunch of jewels and gems and other booty to the tune of £500,000.  Lindsay, Go Take a Nap!  Everyone knows you shouldn't take your gems and jewels to the airport!  You should always have them shipped ahead via Media Mail.  [Carrier pigeon works well, too.--Eds.]  

By Jack Jackson

     General Motors pulled its sponsorship from Survivor, but it made clear it had nothing to do with the racial aspects of the show.  General Motors, Go Take a Nap!  This is your chance to do some good in the world!  You should take a stand against unreality TV!  [We want to see Man vs. Ape Survivor.--Eds.]

     Martin Sheen enrolled at the University of Ireland and will major in philosophy, English lit, and oceanography.  Martin, that's Just Nice.  But, maybe you should drop the philosophy and English majors, because they're dead-end majors.  I mean, do you really think you'll get a job as a philosopher or as a reader of literature?  Not likely, is it?  No, you should put all your energy into oceanography because it's much more practical.  [Universities aren't supposed to be technical schools.  You're supposed to graduate as a well-rounded individual.--Eds.]

     Chris Tucker is getting ready to star in Rush Hour 3.  Oh, Really?  Good luck, Chris.  I hope you get that long-deserved Golden Globe this time.  [We own Rush Hour 2 on tape.--Eds.]

     Muslims in Zanzibar are gettin' mad cuz of a planned beach party there which will celebrate what would have been Freddie Mercury's 60th burfday.  Freddie was originally from Zanzibar, you see.  It would be offensive to link his homosexuality to the people of Zanzibar, a Muslim leader said.  Muslims of Zanzibar, Go Take a Nap!  Anything you can do to link yourselves to Freddie is a good thing.  He was a talented singer with some nice songs, and the soundtrack to Flash Gordon is totally sweet.  So what if he liked to put another man's penis up his anus or in his mouf?  [Let's use "scaramouche" in a sentence.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     The latest incarnation of Survivor will feature four race-based teams: blacks, Asians, Latinos, and whites.  There's no word yet on whether the accommodations for each team will be separate but equal.  [We hope they at least segregate the turlets.--Eds.]  CBS, Go Take a Nap!  Pitting races against each other is sooooo pre-9/11.  This is the Age of Aquarius, and we ought to be a little more thoughtful.  [But it might be good TV.--Eds.]

     Speaking of minorities on the TV, there are now only nine gay leading or supporting roles on broadcast TV, seven of whom are white males.  I have a solution to this obvious problem: a new sitcom/dramedy/cop/lawyer/hospital show set in the Castro District of San Francisco.  [Don't forget to separate the races.--Eds.]  It will be called GLBT SFPD Law Crime Hospital.  That ought to fetch some Emmys, too.

     William H. Macy says it's "disrespectful" when actors like Lindsay Lohan show up late for filming.  Oh, Really?  Because I thought showing up late was a compliment to the chef in foreign countries.  [We heard she's a fire crotch, too.--Eds.]

     And a 1974 movie about cockfighting called Cockfighter will not be shown at the Edinburgh International Film Festival because it might be illegal to show it because the cockfights were real.  Edinburgh International Film Festival, Go Take a Nap!  Cockfighting is a great way to meet people!  [It's a good way to meet a lot of cocks, too.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Six of the top twenty shows last week were unreality TV, according to the Nielsen ratings.  America, Go Take a Nap!  Don't you ever get tired of watching that shit?  [No.--Eds.]

     Bill Clinton is turning 60, and he hates it.  Bill, Go Take a Nap!  After all, it could be worse.  You could be dead.  [He could be turning 61.--Eds.]

     Osama bin Laden apparently had a crush on Whitney Houston, wanted to kill Bobby Brown, and wanted to marry her.  Osama, Go Take a Nap!  You can't just go killing women's husbands and then making them your wife!  That's so, oh, caveman of you.  In other news, Osama bin Laden enjoys watching Desperate Housewives, likes to get the Six Pack and a Pound at Taco Johns with a Choco Taco, has corns on his feet, and thinks blackberries taste funny.  [Yes, but Osama doesn't even exist.--Eds.]

     And Turner Broadcasting will eliminate all smoking scenes from over 1,500 Hanna-Barbera cartoons, including The Flintstones, Tom and Jerry, and Scooby-Doo.  The cuts are voluntary after one person complained.  Turner Broadcasting, Go Take a Nap!  I like it when Scooby-Doo chain smokes menthols while Phyllis Diller smokes her Cloves.  It makes for good TV, plain and simple.  [If we both complain that we want the scenes to stay, do we outvote the other guy who complained?--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Paris Hilton got bit by her pet kinkajou, Baby Luv, prompting her to get a tetanus shot at a hospital.  For you wondering what the hell a kinkajou is:

Kinkajou Baby Luv, Go Take a Nap!  You don't go bitin' your owner, no how stupid she is when she says she's not having sex for a year.  [Baby Luv is a good name for a pet kinkajou.--Eds.]

     China banned foreign cartoons from prime time in an effort to boost its own animation studios, specifically to stop the influence of highly popular Japanese cartoons.  China, Go Take a Nap!  Your wily Chinee animators cannot compete with the Japanese animators!  And I can't think of a better way to become a better animator than to not face competition.  [Competition is what makes America strong.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     It comes and goes folks.  The celebrities weren't so crazy this week.  Not nearly as crazy as last week.  Here's a short column.

     Paris Hilton is now celibate, because she's sick of boyfriends.  "I'm not having sex for a year," she said.  Paris, Go Take a Nap!  You don't have to have sex with your boyfriend, but you can still have sex!  I mean, once you break the seal, you might as well keep at it.  [Use it or lose it.--Eds.]  But please spare us the drama.  Just have some sex.  Please.  You'll be happier.  [We're guessing she just got a Sybian.--Eds.]

     And Patrick Swayze says Mel Gibson is "a wonderful human being" and he "is not anti-Semitic."  Oh, Really?  Because I thought making anti-Semitic statements meant you were anti-Semitic.  But Patrick, I'll have to rethink my whole theory now, won't I?  [We are not editors.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     This sure was a busy week for the celebrities!  I hope I can get all this shit in before I crap my pants.

     First off, Lionel Richie thinks his daughter, Nicole Richie, is too skinny and he's become a "basket case" over it all.  Oh, Really?  I mean, I can't imagine why a father would be worried about his daughter looking like a skeleton with some flesh painted on it.  [We think she looks like a skeleton with some flesh draped over it.--Eds.]  But Lionel, don't worry too much.  Just have her over for some brownies.  Girls can't resist the brownies.  [We like the brownies, too.--Eds.]

     Brad Pitt's gramma got in the mix this week by telling a reporter that he's not going to marry Angelina Jolie anytime soon because he's still a bit misty-eyed about his breakup with Jennifer Aniston.  Brad, Go Take a Nap!  Angelina just burthed your baby and you should marry her and then you and she can finally sleep in the same bed together [You've got to sleep in the same bed at some point to get pregnant.--Eds.] {No, there's lots of ways to get pregnant.--Jack Jackson.}.

     And speaking of Shiloh, the burthed Brangelina baby, Madame Tussauds of New York now has on display an eight-week-old wax version of the baby.  Madame Tussauds of New York, that's Just Nice.  But couldn't you've waited until the baby was, say, nine-weeks old?  Eight-week wax babies all look alike, you know.

     George Michael got caught doing something dirty in a London park with a 58-year-old unemployed truck driver.  The truck driver said about the encounter: "He told me I could contact him on the Gaydar website and we just started kissing.  He did it very well.  That was one of his major points.  Then it was fondling and mutual pleasuring. It wasn't full sex but it was fantastic."  And then George bought his boyfriend/fiancee a £million gift to make up for it, but wouldn't describe the nature of it.  George, Go Take a Nap!  You can't just buy off your boyfriend for £million.  That's like treating him like a prostitute.  [We'd like to be treated like a prostitute if it means getting £million.--Eds.]  And second, you can't admit to buying such an expensive gift and then not telling us what it was.  [We think it was a golden egg from a golden goose.--Eds.]  And dammit, when I hear about two guys fondling and pleasuring in a park, it better be full sex next time.  Anything less is . . . not winning.

     Lance Bass came out of the closet and it made international news.  Oh, Really?  I mean, it's great that he did, but does a celebrity need to do a press release on their sexuality?  Maybe he should announce what his current fetishes are, too?  [Yes, and ours is Nyotaimori.--Eds.]

     Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe will act in a London production of Equus as a troubled teen.  The play requires him to be nude on stage in a scene while riding a horse and to "simulate sexual ecstasy".  Daniel, that's Quite Nice.  I hope you are ready for an audience of sex-crazed men who can't wait to see your penis.  [Some sex-crazed women will likely want to see it, too.--Eds.]

     And finally, Mel Gibson got pulled over for a DUI and was ranting and raving about Jews causing "all the wars in the world" and making other various anti-Semitic statements.  Mel, Go Take a Nap!  It should be clear that not all wars are caused by Jews.  For example, do you remember Rwanda?  That war was not caused by, well, I don't know for sure, but I know it wasn't Jewish people.  So your little theory is all shot to shit now, isn't it?  [We'd say so.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Brigitte Bardot is "ashamed, ashamed to be French."  Why?  Because the French Gub'ment apparently does something that makes her mad about using minks for fur.  She's threatening to move to Sweden over the whole deal.  [She should move to Newminkland.--Eds.]  Brigitte, Go Take a Nap!  You can't leave your country because people there kill minks!  People kill minks all over the world, all the time, everyday.  In fact, I think I just ran over one in my car yesterday.  [We made a nice merkin out of it.--Eds.]

     Oprah Winfrey says she's not gay with Gayle King, and that there wouldn't be anything wrong with it if they were, and that if they were, they'd sure come out and say it [Unless that would lower sales of her magazine.--Eds.]  Oprah and Gayle, that's Just Nice.  We need people like you to make sure everyone knows where people stand on their sexuality.  Maybe we should all just wear a big sign on our chests [Or butts?--Eds.] indicating "straight" "gay" "bisexual" "anything that moves" "boi" "lolitateen" and so on.  [What about "plushophile"?--Eds.]

     A British appellate court ordered a lower court to watch some Jerry Springer episodes in a contract dispute case.  The purchaser of the programs claims they've become "too strong for local tastes," and felt entitled to cancel the contract.  Universal Studios, the distributor of the programs, claims that "the content changed little over the years."  Oh, Really?  I think the content has changed quite a bit, Universal.  For example, you used to air wholesome shit like "Is My Boyfriend Sleeping with My Daughter?" but now you air unwholesome shit like "You Beat Me Last Night -- Should I Stay with You?"  [Our favorite is "Steve's Lesbian Hour."--Eds.]

     And speaking of Jerry Springer, Christie Brinkley's fourth marriage apparently is ending because of a teen interloper.  Brinkley's fourth hubby, Peter Cook, had been canoodling with Diana Bianchi, now 19, but who was 17 when Cook met her.  Bianchi used to be a lowly store clerk, but through a little help from Cook, she quickly landed a job at his architectural firm.  But then Bianchi dumped Cook in April, and now Brinkley finally got around to dumping Cook.  Brinkley, that's Quite Nice.  Now call up Jerry Springer, because I want to see "My Stupid Fourth Husband Bedded a Teenager and I Finally Dumped His Ass".  [We'd rather see "Steve's Lesbian Hour."--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Kate Hudson, daughter of Goldie Hawn, said she knows she's lucky to be in movies but that her career is "hard earned."  Kate, Go Take a Nap!  Do you really think you'd be where you are right now if your mom wasn't Goldie Hawn?  I'm just gonna guess that having a famous mom in L.A. can help open up a few doors that some other, more talented actors can't seem to find.  [We think she works hard and she deserves everything she's got.--Eds.]

     Pete Doherty, some Brit-pop wanker who dated Kate Moss, said he was going to use an abdominal implant to help him stop doing drugs.  Pete, that's Just Nice.  But spare yourself the implant and just keep doing drugs, because it's pretty obvious you like them a lot and so does Kate, so I don't know why you even bother pretending you want to quit.  [People shouldn't do drugs.--Eds.]

     Mr. T said he's getting rid of the gold chains after witnessing the destruction of Hurricane Katrina.  He said, "As a spiritual man, I felt it would be a sin against my God for me to wear all that gold again because I spent a lot of time with the less fortunate."  Mr. T, Go Take a Nap!  Wearing lots of gold chains is totally sweet, and by totally sweet, I mean wicked awesome!  Poor people like to look at rich people who flaunt wealth vapidly on senseless and needless things so they've got something to shoot and root for.  [We still want to know why people need bread boxes.--Eds.]

     And dudes, get your credit cards ready because Jessica Biel is auctioning a date with herself!  No, it's not because she's lonely, but because it's for charity.  The cause, you ask?  The money will go to "a teenager who lost her leg in a prom night limousine accident."  Jessica, that's Really Quite Nice.  [We better ban prom before someone loses another leg.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Keira Knightley says she's not anorexic.  Keira, that's Just Nice.  I'm sure you swallow everything you put in your mouth and I'm sure you don't throw it up like some amateur.  But you could gain a little weight if you feel like it, and then I wouldn't be able to count your ribs through your dresses anymore.

     Dolly Parton is adding a new roller coaster to Dollywood, her theme park.  Dollywood is "Tennessee's top tourist draw."  There's no joke here.  I just wanted y'all to know where to get yer kicks this summer.

     Justin Timberlake said he wants to "push the sound of pop music" with his new album, FutureSex/LoveSounds.  Justin, Go Take a Nap!  You can't push forward what has already achieved perfection!  And besides, the sound of FutureSex will not be whatever your album sounds like, but rather the sound of people purchasing orgasm downloads from iTunes.

By Jack Jackson

     Kevin Richardson