By Jack Jackson

     Wafah Dufour, Osama Bin-Laden's niece, posed mostly nekkid for GQ.  GQ, Go Take a Nap!  If you let the terrorists pose in our magazines, they've already won!  What kind of message are you sending to America?  That it's okay to be a terrorist and have your niece pose for GQ?  [We think they should turn the whole Middle East into a parking lot.--Eds.]

     Rapper Foxy Brown stuck her tongue out at her judge and the judge ordered her to be handcuffed to her seat.  Judge, Go Take a Nap!  You can still stick your tongue out if you're handcuffed to your seat!  You've got to use more extreme measures, like sleep deprivation.  Let's see her stick her tongue out when she hasn't slept for three days!  I mean, if we're going to find all the terrorist scumbags, we've got to at least wire car batteries to their private parts.  [We think we should do medical experiments on the ones who don't talk.--Eds.]

     And David Letterman is upset that a New Mexico judge granted a restraining order to a crazy woman who claims he's been sending her secret messages through the teevee.  David, Go Take a Nap!  You shouldn't send secret messages to crazy women in New Mexico through the teevee.  It's just not fair.  [We know that George Bush has the best interests of our country on his mind, because the teevee told us so.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Hollywood is very concerned about box office receipts since this year's total projections are the worst in fifteen years.  One analyst suggested this is due to "unattractive movies that don't appeal to young male audiences, the cost of movie tickets, parking, the shrinking window [of] a movie's theatrical and DVD releases."  [We think it's because the Democrats and activist judges banned school prayer.--Eds.]  Hollywood, Go Take a Nap!  You don't need to be worried about lack of box office receipts.  You just keep pumping out great movies and eventually people will pay $10 to see them before the $14.99 DVD comes out.  [It's easier to drink and make out at home.--Eds.]

     Time named its Persons of the Year [It'd still be Men of the Year if it hadn't been for the Johnson Administration and the Warren Court.--Eds.] Bill Gates and his wife, and some €-trash named Bono.  Time, Go Take a Nap!  Just because you've got a bunch of money and throw it around doesn't make you a great person!  You've got to do something great like possess monopoly power over operating systems or go on world tours filled with lots of TVs singing about lemons.  [We still think Ronald Reagan is Person of the Year for single-handedly destroying Communism for once and all.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Brit pop's Robbie Williams agreed to take some cash last week from the publishers of The People which reported he was gay.  Well, they actually reported that he "had numerous homosexual encounters with strangers," which isn't the same as being gay, I suppose.  [It's like being gay.--Eds.]  Robbie sued 'em, and they paid him some cash, and they apologized in print.  Robbie, Go Take a Nap!  You don't need to go to court to prove you're not gay!  You just need to go get some lap dances at shady strip clubs or rent a bunch of all-holes-filled pr0nogoraphies.  And if anyone wants to pay me a bunch of money to report on my numerous homosexual encounters with strangers, my email address is in the byline.  [We don't want to hear about it.--Eds.]

     Live 8 sued Trimspa because then-spokesperson Anna Nicole Smith allegedly showed up to the event drunk and inappropriately dressed for the "family program."  Live 8, Go Take a Nap!  Family gatherings are supposed to involve at least one drunk person, and you're lucky if we're all wearing pants.  And were you really all that surprised that she showed up a little toasty?  [She's officially invited to our next family program.--Eds.]

     Jet Li says Fearless will be his last martial arts film because he's now a practicing Buddhist and wants to make "more philosophical, family oriented movies."  [Maybe he and Anna Nicole Smith can be a part of the Cheaper By the Dozen series?--Eds.]  Jet, Go Take a Nap!  Just admit that kicking people's asses on film is hard on a guy and you're too lazy to do it anymore.  Don't be getting all Zen on me and go rationalizing your lack of interest.

     And in world news, Israel passed a law allowing machines to perform euthanasia because it would be against Jewish strictures if a person did it.  All I want to know is this: is it kosher to eat your Soylent Green through a hole in a sheet?

By Jack Jackson

     There just wasn't anything all that funny to talk about this week.  Sorry.

By Jack Jackson

     Say it ain't so, but it is so, Talan Torriero and Kimberly Stewart, who, if you remember right from last week, just got engaged after "dating anywhere from one week to two months," announced this week through their publicists that their engagement is off, they are no longer romantically involved, they remain friends, and it was all because "It was just too soon to enter into a lifelong commitment."  Kimberly and Talan, Go Take a Nap!  Last week I was on such an orgasmic high to hear about your wonderful engagement to be married, and then you just take off your collective pants and figuratively shit all over my hopes and dreams for your lives together.  [We think she called it off because his cum tastes a little off.--Eds.]

     Daniel Radcliffe, only known as Harry Potter, said the latest movie just had to be dark because a kid dies in the book.  "You can't make that light and frothy," he said.  Daniel, Go Take a Nap!  Sure you can make a kid dying light and frothy.  Just use your magic wand and turn him into a Moo-latte from DQ.  [We like hot cocoa with the canned whipped cream sprayed on top.--Eds.]

     Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are splitsville.  Where is the unreality TV show for that?  I didn't want to watch them as Newlyweds, but I do want to watch them fight over toasters and cars.

     Two people were injured at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade when an out-of-control float knocked down a lamppost and, well, you can imagine how that one went.  Here's an idea: stop having that damn parade.  Parades are stupid in the first place and that particular damn parade is nothing but an ad for cheap plastic crap made by the wily Chinee.  [You gotta get your mind right.--Eds.]

     Tom Cruise bought a sonogram machine so he could watch his baby grow in the womb.  The machines cost about $150K, but he apparently didn't want to have to drive to the doctor's office every time he wanted to see the fetus wave hello.  Tom, Go Take a Nap!  You don't need to see the baby in the womb.  It'll pop out when it's ready, and then you can see it all the time.

By Jack Jackson

     Robert Blake's civil trial ended poorly for him.  He was found liable by the jury for the death of his wife, and the jury awarded $30Million in damages.  Robert Blake's jury, Go Take a Nap!  You're sending the wrong message!  You're telling people you can kill your wives (or at least pay someone to) and if you get caught, you've just got to cough up $30Million.  Just think about all the rich men in the country!  They're going to all kill their wives and just start writing checks.  [Guess he'll have to do some extra hotel convention autograph tours as Baretta.--Eds.]

     The comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, aka Da Ali G, has apparently upset the ENTIRE COUNTRY of Kazakhstan with his character Borat Sagdiyev.  Borat has been seen in an Oklahoma bar singing songs such as "Throw the Jews Down the Well" and flying in a Kazakh plane with the pilot holding a bottle of vodka.  Kazakhstan, Go Take a Nap!  All Westerners know that Borat is just a character and he doesn't represent the country's attitudes or beliefs.  [We heard they all eat their own poo.--Eds.]

     Kimberly Stewart, daughter of Rod Stewart, got engaged to Talan Torriero, who plays Talan on Laguna Beach.  The couple have "been dating for anywhere from one week to two months," according to her.  They announced the precious news at a party at a private residence in Beverly Hills, but it wasn't just any party.  It was a party for the release of the new XBOX 360.  Talan, Go Take a Nap!  You can't go announcing you're engaged at an XBOX release party!  You've got to save that shit for better times, like Thanksgiving Dinner at Rod Stewart's House.  And Kimberly, Go Take a Nap!  If you don't know how long you've been dating a guy, you have no business being at an XBOX release party.  [You can tell how long you've dated someone by counting back the days from the first time you put your penis in their mouth.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     The Star Trek Ultimate DVD collection is coming your way soon.  How ultimate is it?  It's 212 DVDs ultimate.  Yes, that is two hundred and twelve DVDs.  They could've stopped at 112, but when you're on a roll, why not toss in an extra hundred tapes?  Star Trek Ultimate DVD collection, Go Take a Nap!  I don't even want my pr0nomonography collection to be 212 DVDs.  And you just know in another ten years, there'll be the even more ultimate collection of 412 DVDs.  [We'll need to order another DVD shelving system from IKEA.--Eds.]

     Lewis Black will tape some stuff for the Weather Channel.  Word is that they are 2-minute segments, and he has a "riff on global warming."  Weather Channel, Go Take a Nap!  Are you going to become the MTV of weather, eventually abandoning all weather programming in favor of entertainment?  Will there be a Weather Channel 2 for indie weather?  [We like to watch tornadoes form.--Eds.]

     The longest-running family drama in TV history, 7th Heaven, is drawing near a tasteful, heartfelt, life-affirming end.  This, its 10th season, will be the last.  Insiders are speculating that it is costing the WB too much to make.  [It's all about risk vs. reward, baby.--Eds.]  WB, Go Take a Nap!  It can't cost any money to make 7th Heaven!  You got a bunch of no-talent actors on pre-fab sets!

     50 Cent is "saddened" by a fatal shooting at a theater where his movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin' was showing.  Me, too, 50, me, too.

By Jack Jackson

     Vincent Gallo, described as an "indie film auteur" who directed Buffalo '66,  is selling his sperm and all the other necessaries that go along with in vitro fertilization.  The price?  A cool $1Million.  If you buy, you can't name the baby Gallo.  The sperm will come from an eight-inch long penis, and for an extra $500K, you can get inseminated "the old-fashioned way."  Vincent, Go Take a Nap!  Your sperm ain't worth $1Million.  How could it be?  You whack off all the time and flush it down a toilet, so how can it possibly be worth so much?  [We collect ours in Mason jars.--Eds.]

     Neil Armstrong says that he never understood his world-wide celebrity after walking on the moon.  I don't get it, either.  I mean, who cares who walked on the moon?  You know, the moon?  That thing that you always see up in the sky, and wonder how they get all the Velveeta shipped to Earth from?  [It's also where gummi comes from.--Eds.]

     A Beverly Hills parking valet has file a lawsuit against Omar Sharif because Omar allegedly drunkenly called him a "stupid Mexican" and then punched him because he wouldn't take euros.  Omar, Go Take a Nap!  This is America, and our currency is dollars!  And don't punch the parking valet, because you don't want him driving your car mad at you.  He might pick his nose and put the booger on the steering wheel.  [He might donate some sperm to the backseat, too.--Eds.]

     And Madonna said "It's actually very punk-rock to not watch TV."  I don't think that's quite accurate.  I mean, I know a lot of punk-rock kids who watch TV.  Not watching TV is just a good idea.  [But we'll miss Laguna Beach.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     George Takei, only known as Lieutenant Sulu from Star Trek, announced that he is gay this week.  For awhile, I kept trying to think up funny jokes along the lines of his lovers boldly going where many men have gone before, but then I realized he must've had one hell of a difficult life, being a minority on several levels: gay, Asian (forced into an internment camp during WWII), and nerd.  So instead of developing my jokes, here's a big atta-boy! for George Takei!  Own your nerdness, Asianness, and gayness.  [Nerdness is not a word, but gayness is.--Eds.]

     Gerard Depardieu claims he's retiring from film.  Oh, Sweet Jeebus, thank you for answering my prayers!

     And the general plot of Rambo IV has been revealed: "The $50 million film will pick up former Vietnam vet John Rambo as he's living a reclusive life back home in the United States.  But when a girl goes missing, he is forced to abandon his quiet lifestyle and take justice into his own hands."  Rambo IV, Go Take a Nap!  You aren't supposed to go running around saving girls, you're supposed to win the Cold War!

By Jack Jackson

     Madonna averred that "Most priests are gay."  Well, that we knew.  But what she didn't explain is that you can be straight and still be a pedophile.  [The law varies from state to state.--Eds.]

     Ashton Kutcher is filming a pilot for a sitcom about a man who gets married to an older woman who already has kids.  The pilot is no doubt based on the daily laugh riot that is his marriage to Demi Moore.  Ashton, Go Take a Nap!  You've got two TV shows and you still do movies, and you're porking Bruce Willis' babies' momma.  Can we just get a little break from you, please, just for a little bit, like at least a year or two?  I know your fans want to see a lot more of you, so can't you just leak an amateur pr0n tape onto the Interweb?

     And Anne Rice found God.  Where, I'm not sure, but yes, it's that Anne Rice, that same Anne Rice who used to write about bisexual vampires on bloody ego trips.  She will soon publish a fictionalized account of a seven-year-old Jesus in Egypt, with Jesus doing the narrating.  Anne, Go Take a Nap!  I don't want to read about a toddler Jesus.  I want to read about bisexual vampires on bloody ego trips.  [Maybe Jesus was a vampire?--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Unreality TV show ratings are down across the board.  Oh, Really?  That's got to come as a complete surprise to everyone in The Industry, and by The Industry, I mean the Business.  After all, the only sure way to have a death-lock on continued success as a broadcaster is to saturate a market with cheaply produced, unoriginal fare.  [We want to see more murder-mystery-lawyer-medical-examiner-hospital-Orange-County TV.--Eds.]

     Bad weather prevented Martha Stewart from attending a charity pumpkin race in Nova Scotia.  "Certainly, everybody was a little disappointed," said spokeswoman Vanessa Roberts.  Vanessa, Go Take a Nap!  You know that's not true.  I'm just guessing there were more than a handful of people that were quite delighted that that cold bitch and convicted federal felon didn't show up.  [We like her decorating ideas--they're fun!--Eds.]

     Fans of Harry Potter, er, complete and total losers who don't have a strong grasp of reality, staged their own fake college for wizards in Salem, Massachusetts, yes, the same Salem where they burnt witches.  There were classes on spell writing, on how Harry Potter interfaces with Christianity, and on economics in the world of wizardry.  One visitor, Michelle d'Entremont, 25, said that "The wonderful thing about Harry Potter fans is that we do indeed know the difference between fantasy and reality. We just choose to occasionally ignore it."  Um.  Okay.  Well here's some reality you can occasionally choose to ignore, Michelle: you're a freaking nerd with a quavering grasp of reality.  And if you want to ignore reality, why not just watch more TV?  [Or read more Harry Potter books?--Eds.]

     Rod Stewart "is looking forward to new challenges" in his career.  I've got a challenge for you, Rod: I challenge you to retire.

     Jude Law and Sienna Miller have called off their engagement, just a few short months after everyone in the known world learned he'd been porking the help.  Sienna, Go Take a Nap!  You coulda fought through a little pre-nuptial infidelity.  After all, it's not like marriage was going to stop Jude from porking the help.  You just gotta let the man be the man.  And in return, you get to pork the new James Bond, Daniel Craig.  It's a win-win situation.  [It's all about the angles.--Eds.]

     Speaking of the new James Bond, Daniel Craig, can anyone say George Lazenby?

     Sylvester Stallone said he's going to make Rocky VI.  For you non-Romans, VI is Roman for 6 six seis sechs sei the 6th sixième sechste sesto sexto.  It used to be a funny joke to refer in the late 80's to Rocky VIII, which is eight (eight) 8, ocho.  Now it's not funny.  It's reality.  And he's not done there.  Sly is going to make Rambo IV, four (four) 4.  The numbering system of the Rambo movies never made sense, though.  The first one was called First Bood.  The second one was called Rambo: First Blood Part II, and the third was called Rambo III.  What, did they skip Rambo II: First Blood Part III?  And shouldn't they make Rambo III: First Blood Part IV before they can make Rambo IV: First Blood Part V?

     And in news that is bound to depress white spoiled suburban tweener girls across the Western World, Mary-Kate Olsen is dropping out of NYU after just one year, because she's too busy diving into piles of money.  Mary-Kate, Go Take a Nap!  You need to lead by example and finish what you started!  You're going to trigger a whole generation of women who go to NYU for a year and then drop out because it's more fun to dive head-first into piles of cash.  [Maybe college wasn't her thing.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

    Robbie Williams, not Robin, said that the media treatment of Kate Moss's cocaine binge is unfair.  For those that don't remember, Kate was caught snorting five lines of cocaine in an hour.  Robbie said that he wouldn't be surprised if Kate tried suicide last week, and he went on to say that "What she does in her private life should be her private life."  Robbie, Go Take a Nap!  Her life ceased to be private as soon as she "earned" her millions for doing nothing other than being born with what fashion designers consider good looks.  Maybe she can buy herself an ice cream cone and take a long Calgon moment with a high-powered vibrator.  [Maybe she needs to switch to downers.--Eds.]

     And Robbie Williams made news in another way.  He said that his lack of success in the United States doesn't surprise him, and he doesn't care, and he hasn't even really tried.  It's easier to say you don't care than to admit you suck, I suppose (not that the U.S. is well known for its sense of taste, but I think we got this one right).

     Nicolas Cage named his son Kal-el Coppola Cage.  For you non-dorks among the Interweb, Kal-el is the birth name of Superman, way back when Marlon Brando gave birth to him on the Planet Krypton.  Normally I'd say that the kid had no chance, but I realized quickly that whatever mockery he's subjected to at school, it will all be better when he rolls around in his family's money and gravy trains a career in Hollywood, probably winning an Oscar for something along the way.  Then I thought, will he name future siblings in a similar fashion?  Like Peter Parker Coppola Cage?  Dick Grayson Coppola Cage?  Adam West Coppola Cage?  Or maybe he'll name his next child after Heidi Klum's latest kid, Henry Guenther Ademola Dashtu Samuel Coppola Cage?  [We like Darth Sidious/Emperor Palpatine Coppola Cage.--Eds.]

     Ashlee Simpson apparently actually sang on SNL last week, just like a big girl!  No tape delays, no lip synching, no nuthin'.  Way to go, Ashlee!  Maybe you'll couple that actual singing with some actual talent someday.  Er.  I guess it doesn't matter.  Just take the money while it's there and laugh your way into your early thirties with a cocaine habit like Kate Moss.  [Celebrity is fickle, like the wind.--Eds.]

     Esquire says Jessica Biel is the sexiest woman alive.  Yah, she be all hot an' shit, but they musta forgot to consider Brett Somers.

By Jack Jackson

    Kate Moss is now "devastated" that her cocaine habit has caused her to lose her contracts with H&M, Burberry, and Chanel.  Kate, Go Take a Nap!  Maybe you should see if there are any video cameras rolling the next time you want to snort five lines of cocaine in an hour.  Oh, and by the way, your career is now over.

     In other news, Kate Moss has checked herself into rehab to seek treatment for her cocaine habit.  I have a better idea.  Why not try cutting back a little, like only doing, say, four lines of cocaine each hour?  Then next month, go down to three per hour.  A month later, two per hour.  A month after that, only one line of cocaine per hour.  [We think seeing the new Doom movie would be a good idea, too.--Eds.]

     Edward Norton says his latest character, a British doctor in 1920's China, is just like America because his character is always trying to force his methods on other countries.  Edward, Go Take a Nap!  That analogy just doesn't work.  For the analogy to work, your character would have to invade countries in the name of freedom, kill for the sake of life, and be hated across the world for it.  [Why do you hate our freedoms?--Eds.]

     O.J. Simpson was paid to sign pictures of himself for $95 at NecroComicon, a convention devoted to horror-themed comic books.  Only twelve non-media people attending the convention bothered to go meet him.  I'm not sure where the comedy stops or starts here.  First off, if this was a horror-themed comic book convention, shouldn't O.J. at least have a big sharp knife to threaten people with?  [He should be out looking for the real killers of Ron and Nicole.--Eds.]  Second, the last time I checked, dorks who read horror-themed comic books aren't necessarily into the NFL or its ex-running backs.  And lastly, what kind of dumbfuck would pay $95 for an autographed picture of anyone?  [We proudly display our autographed picture of Hal Linden above our mantel, and it was $102 on eBay.--Eds.]

     And Tara Reid says she doesn't like that she has been stereotyped as a party girl based on her previous movies.  Tara, Go Take a Nap!  If you don't want to be considered a party girl, maybe you shouldn't sign on to movies like American Pie, American Pie 2, Josie and the Pussycats, and Van Wilder.  [She should sign on to more movies like Deep Throat.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

    H&M did the right thing this week by dumping that coke fiend Kate Moss from their ads.  The H&M spokeswoman Liv Asarnoj said that "after evaluating the situation, we have decided that a campaign with Kate Moss is not consistent with H&M's clear disassociation from drugs."  Er, what Ms. Asarnoj meant to say was that after reading last week's issue of Go Take a Nap!, H&M came to its senses and realized I was right.  To reiterate, a supermodel who snorts five lines of cocaine in forty minutes isn't about to quit anytime soon.  [We snorted a whole roll of ground up Smarties in an hour once.--Eds.]

     But it gets worse for Kate Moss.  Chanel will not renew its contract with her, and it ends at the end of October.  However, Chanel will continue to run its ads which feature Moss.  Chanel, Go Take a Nap!  What kind of half-assed message is that?  Does it mean you don't like cocaine, but you're OK with it until the contract runs?  [Maybe they found a supermodel who doesn't get caught when she snorts coke.--Eds.]

     The United States Supreme Court, better known for its decisions ending segregation in public schools and halting presidential elections, has decided to hear the case of Anna Nicole Smith and just how much money she deserves from the estate of her dead, rich, Texas sugar daddy.  The issue, from what I gather, is whether federal courts have jurisdiction over probate matters which Congress may or may not have given federal courts power to hear.  [We just want to know what part of the moon her tits came from.--Eds.]  Supreme Court of the United States, Go Take a Nap!  You've got better things to do than to settle disputes between rich people, don't you?

     And a fair warning to any famous people: the FBI is watching.  See for yourself at the FBI online reading room.

By Jack Jackson

    Four out of five Americans believe that there are too many unreality TV shows on the air right now, according to a recent AP-TV Guide poll.  The same amount believe that unreality shows are mostly fake.  At first these numbers were comforting, but then I realized that if 80% believe there are too many, then 20% must think that the amount of unreality TV is just right.  But then I read more of the article and it said that 4% of the American Going Public think that there is NOT ENOUGH unreality TV.  That means that 16% of 300 million people, or roughly 48 million people, are thoroughly pleased with the amount of unreality TV on the air, and 4% of 300 million people, or roughly 12 million people, would like to see MORE unreality TV.  That means roughly 60 million people are either happy with the amount of unreality TV or would like to see more.  In 2004, George W. Bush received an alleged 62 million votes.  COINCIDENCE?  I think not.  [Ohio has roughly 12 million people.--Eds.]

     Heidi Klum named her new baby son Henry Guenther Ademola Dashtu Samuel.  Heidi, Go Take a Nap!  You get three names, not five.  If you have five, you've got to either hyphenate some of them or delete some of them to get it down to three.  [What should Cher and Charo do?--Eds.

     Kate Moss, a model-to-be for H&M, has apologized to H&M for getting caught on videotape doing five lines of cocaine in forty minutes.  H&M said it strongly disapproves of her action, but she's going to stay on as model because she promised to abide by a company policy that she stay "healthy, wholesome, and sound."  H&M, Go Take a Nap!  The kind of supermodel who does five lines of cocaine in forty minutes isn't about to stop anytime soon.  Way to drop the ball on this and backhandedly encourage heavy cocaine use by continuing to let Kate model for you.

By Jack Jackson

    Ang Lee's newest movie, Brokeback Mountain, won top honors at the Venice International Film Festival.  The film features Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal as gay cowboys in Wyoming in the 1960s.  Apparently, Heath was a little apprehensive about the screenplay, especially after hearing he'd have to kiss Jake.  "It scared the hell out of me," Ledger said, "And I didn't want to kiss Jake Gyllenhaal."  Heath, Go Take a Nap!  What's wrong with gettin' a little man-puss now and then?  [We'd kiss Jake if it meant we could pork his sister.--Eds.]

     Los Angeles will develop a tsunami evacuation plan, after seeing how well New Orleans handled Katrina.  I have an idea.  Everyone should head for the mountains, you know, where that Hollywood sign is?

     Richard Hatch, unreality uncelebrity, was indicted for not paying taxes on his $1Million prize for "winning" Survivor.  Here's a piece of advice for the future Survivor winners: someone, maybe even more than a few people at the IRS, will see you win $1Million, and they'll be looking for it on your tax return.

By Jack Jackson

    Slipknot is upset at Burger King for running ads featuring a fake metal band named Coq Roq.  The ads are for Burger King's new BK Chicken Fries.  The Chicken Fries have been described as a chicken strip crossed with a French fry.  They come with something called Buffalo sauce.  [It should be called moon sauce, cuz that's where it comes from.--Eds.]  One Interweb reviewer stated they look like "fried tampons."

There's something wrong with this country.

     Actress Rachel Weisz, some actress I've never heard of before, was "deeply moved" at how poor Kenya is when she filmed her latest movie there.  Rachel, Go Take a Nap!  What do you want, a cookie?

     On a lighter note, Michael Jackson was impressed by Dubai on his visit there.  I'm not making this shit up, I swear.

     And Quentin Tarantino was thrilled to ride a few NASCAR laps.  He described it as "incredible" and "adrenaline."

     And I finally saw Million Dollar Baby, or what I'm now calling Ten-Buck Turd Baby.  Why anyone would want to make such a horrible, contrived, and depressing movie is beyond me.  And then you've got those freaks of the Academy throwing Oscars at it.  Whatever happened to the days when you'd leave a movie feeling good about yourself?

By Jack Jackson

    Courtney Love tearfully admitted to using drugs in violation of her probation and the judge sent her back to rehab.  Courtney, Go Take a Nap!  Quit admitting to using drugs.  Just do the drugs and lie.  It's obvious you like doing drugs and you'll never get over them.

     Skylar Deleon, a former child actor who once appeared as an extra on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, has been charged, along with his wife, in a 2003 Mexico murder, whereby a man was lured to a side of a road and his neck was cut.  The funny part about this is that this is the second murder conspiracy he and his wife have been involved with.  Apparently, Skylar and wifey also killed a married couple from Newport Beach after pretending to be interested in buying their yacht.  The couple agreed to take Skylar and wifey out for a ride, and then Skylar and wifey allegedly used stun guns on the couple, handcuffed them, gagged them with duct tape, tied them to the boat's anchor, made them sign over power of attorney, and tossed them overboard to drown.  The moral of the story?  Don't let your kids be extras on the Power Rangers.  [We blame violent video games, gay marriage, and Tangerine Sours from Altoids.--Eds.]

     Hunter S. Thompson's ashes were blown into the sky with some fireworks, as per his request.  "He loved explosions," said his wife.  I guess that explains it.

     After coaching his son's youth football team for two years, Snoop Dogg has started a new youth league all his own and has taken many players from the original league, all allegedly as part of an unreality movie.  This has upset the old league, of course.  Old League, Go Take a Nap!  It's way cooler to play with Snoop Dogg and be part of an unreality movie.  Did you honestly expect people to stay loyal to your league?

By Jack Jackson

    Lance Armstrong suggested that our government ought to spend more money on the War Against Cancer, carefully clarifying that he was "not saying that spending on wars and terrorism is a bad thing."  Well if the government is taking suggestions, I would like to see more money spent on the War Against Caring About What Lance Armstrong Thinks.  Yeah, I know, I can't even bike two flat miles with both of my testicles without puking, let alone uphill one mile with one testicle.  But why does anyone care about what a cyclist has to say on government spending, even if he's the best in the world?  [We would like to know what Rafael Palmeiro thinks about spending more on the War Against Steroids.--Eds.]

     Jerry Lee Lewis' home is now closed to the public.  Nope.  No more tours for the American Going Public.  Don't worry, because you can "still drive by and see it," said Kim Terrell, DeSoto County Tourism Association Director.  Kim Terrell, Go Take a Nap!  Driving by someone's home is not the same as getting a tour.  [We're going to load up the Winnebago and go see it.--Eds.]

     It was revealed this week that just before Die Gauleiter of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, entered the recall race against Gray Davis in 2003 that American Media, the publishing company which owns such bastions of truth as the National Enquirer, paid off a woman $20,000 to keep her from disclosing any details of her alleged affair with Arnie.  Later that year, American Media signed Arnie to be editor of two of its fitness magazines for $1million per year for at least five years.  When I was originally thinking of some jokes to say about this, I thought it would be funny to suggest that I would also be willing to keep my affair with Arnie quiet for $20,000, but then I thought it would be funnier if I suggested that I would gladly be the editor of those two fitness magazines for a mere $900K per year for at least five years.  Then I thought about how busy an editor gets and how he couldn't possibly be both Gauleiter of California and editor of two fitness magazines.  And then I realized that this kind of fascist politicking isn't funny anymore.

     And Bill Murray is negotiating the price of selling out to be the voice of Garfield in Garfield 2.  I see how this works for Bill now.  Sell out, then do an art film, then sell out, and do an art film.  Repeat a few times, and show up at Wrigley once in awhile.  I need to talk to my agent, because there's no selling out in my career yet.

By Jack Jackson

    The Catholic Church's World Youth Cay wants Mel Gibson to recreate the crucifixion of Christ in Sydney in 2008.  Isn't that what happened in Passion?  Why not just rent the movie?  Catholic Church, Go Take a Nap!  Can't you Catholics get over the whole crucifixion thing?  Jesus!  Get over the past!  The crucifixion is oh-so 1st Century.   And if any of you plan on attending this event in the highly likely event that it happen, I suggest you take whatever plastic sheeting you might take to a Gallagher concert, because it's gonna be messy.  [Crucifixions can get that way.--Eds.]

     A fire destroyed Marie Osmond's garage.  There were no injuries, but apparently her talent and career were inside the garage at the time of the fire.

     And with that zinger, I return to my vacation.

By Jack Jackson

    Lauren Bacall said Tom Cruise was not a great actor and that Nicole Kidman cannot be a legend yet because she's too young.  Lauren, Go Take a Nap!  I mean, yeah, you're right about Tom sucking and Nicole not being a legend, but Jeebus, can't you keep your holier-than-thou bullshit out of the media?  Er.  I mean, keep it comin', you 80-year-old bag!  This is the kind of celebrity feud that really gets me hard.  I can't wait to see how that batshit nutz, cult-loving Tom Cruise reacts.  [Hal Linden was a great, legendary actor.--Eds.]

     Ricky Martin, a native Puerto Rican, told Arab youths in Jordan that he wants to be their spokesperson, someone to defend them against the stereotypes that all Arabs are terrorists.  Ricky, Go Take a Nap!  Not even Michael Jackson himself could help Arab kids beat the stereotypes placed on them, let alone a no-talent hack who isn't even from Araby.  [What if Abe Vigoda wanted to be their spokesperson?--Eds.]  If you want people to stop stereotyping each other, encourage them to stop watching the TV, stop listening to the radio, start burning all their Ricky Martin tapes, and start trying to be decent people.

     Christo, that no-talent "artist" who gets pumped about draping big things with big pieces of fabric and setting up the occasional large death-causing umbrella, told reporters last week that he'd like to cover the Arkansas River for about 20 miles with "huge pieces of clear fabric."  He claimed he thought of the idea nearly twelve years ago.  Christo, Go Take a Nap!  You may have hoodwinked New York into feeding your ego with The Gates, but those Arkansans are going to be a little tougher to please.  I imagine the conversation to go something like this:

Christo: I want to get a few permits to drape huge pieces of clear fabric over your river.
Native Arkansan: *whittling wood* What tha hell yew wanna do tha' fer?
Christo: Because I am a no-talent artist with a bunch of money and I need to feed my ego like a little attention-craving puppy dog.
Native Arkansan: Uh.  How we gonna be abla ta see it?  Yew know, with tha' clear fabric an' all?
Christo: You cannot possibly understand the great vision that I have.  No one understands me!  Will this world never appreciate my work, my completely socially valuable and excellent work which is the product of the peak of the mind of the best artist ever?
Native Arkansan: Nope.

     A birthday card which Jennifer Aniston wrote on toilet paper will not, repeat, not, be put up for sale on eBay.  You celebrity-toilet-paper-birthday-card fetishists are shit out of luck.  [We just bought a 3-D Dorito shaped like Tony Randall.--Eds.]

     And finally, the movie prop lightsaber (nerds, read that part about it being a "movie prop" again) fetched $200,600 at a charity auction last week.  I'll have to re-read Revelations again, because I'm not sure whether that means the fourth or the fifth seal is broken.

By Jack Jackson

    Colin Farrell doesn't want his ex-girlfriend, Nicole Narain, to commercially distribute a 15-minute video of the two having sex.  [Does he mind if it's a non-commercial distribution?--Eds.]  Colin claims that they had agreed the video would be "strictly for their own viewing pleasure."  Colin, Go Take a Nap!  One man's porn is another man's porn, I always say.  And I'm sure you can get a cut of the proceeds.  I mean, it must be a good sex tape since your ex-girl Nicole supposedly says to the camera: "I could do this breakfast, lunch, and dinner."  And she must have a nice pussy because you allegedly say to the camera: "Baby, you have the most beautiful pussy."  And besides, you violated rule number one when it comes to not wanting your sex tapes for sale: DON'T FILM YOUR SEX.

     Speaking of male celebrity sex foibles, Jude Law publicly apologized to his fiancée for porking one of his babies' nannies.  [Did he ever apologize in private?--Eds.]  I can imagine his fiancée is pleased as punch about all of this.  First, everyone finds out her future hubby has been porking the help, then everyone finds out that he's sorry about all of it.  Jude, Go Take a Nap!  You're not sorry.  You loved every second of it.  Just be glad you didn't film it.  [We hear the nanny has the most beautiful pussy.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

    J.K. Rowling said she looks forward to completing the seventh and final Harry Potter book with dread.  "I do love writing the books and it is going to be a shock, a profound shock to me," she said.  J.K., Go Take a Nap!  The shock isn't that you won't be writing them, it's that you won't be getting a huge paycheck anymore.  [What about all the royalties and the movie options?--Eds.]  And if you can't take it, I'm guessing you'll be able to crap out another seven books.  So cheer up.  It's not so bad.

     Victor Edward Willis, the policeman of the Village People, got caught with a gun and drugs in his car.  Not only that, but in his trailer park home in Daly City they found traces of crack and other paraphernalia.  Policeman from the Village People, Go Take a Nap!  You shouldn't be doing drugs.  I mean, you were the policeman, you know, the policeman from the Village People!  You need to cheer up.  It's not so bad.

     Disneyland celebrated it's 50th year of shafting visitors with high prices.  What did people have to say?  Die Gauleiter of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "This is an engine that drives California tourism and our economy.  Thank you for 50 wonderful years."
     What about Jaime Lucero, 57, of Las Cruces, N.M.?  He said "It's everything America stands for - imagination, ingenuity, commerce."
     What about Janet Kazarian, 54?  She said "We may not always ride the rides, but we enjoy it.  When we come, I think it just makes us grateful to be alive."
     And how much does it cost to get inside this engine driving California's economy, this pinnacle of imagination, ingenuity, and commerce, this park which makes some people grateful to be alive?  $56.  [That's 224 tacos on cheap taco night.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

    Nike resumed using Kobe Bryant's image to sell its swoosh shit.  That's good to know because I wasn't buying enough Nike shit for the past two years.  Now that I know Kobe is officially persona grata again, I can go to my local Foot Locker and buy me some Nike shit and wear it so people officially know that I am a peckerhead who will gladly be a mindless consumer and unwitting walking advertisement for a company profiting on child labor.  Er.  What does Cynthia Stone, spokeswoman for the Colorado Coalition Against Sexual Assault have to say about it all?  "Corporations like Nike play a huge part in creating role models for millions of young athletes," Stone said.  Uh-oh.  If corporations are the basis for the role models of our young athletes, we could be in trouble.

     On a more personal note: I was driving to get me a haircut the other day and on a little billboard there was an advertisement for facials.  Then I saw one down the street for smoothies.  Jesus!  What's next?  An advertisement for insertions?  I swear, this kind of advertising wouldn't even be thinkable if Ike were still President.

     Jackie Chan is blaming Chris Tucker for the holdup in the much anticipated third installment of the wildly awesome Rush Hour series of movies.  Chris, Go Take a Nap!  I mean, why you be hatin' an' shit?  Can't we just get this important foundation of American cinema completed?  I mean, we gots to get us a trilogy or we won't have a full circle of Rush Hour movies.  [We hope the holdup is that he wants it to be Rush Hour 3-D.--Eds.]

     Leonardo DiCaprio bought himself an island called Blackadore Caye, supposedly to start a resort.  An unnamed friend said Leo "wants to make money without destroying the environment."  Leo, Go Take a Nap!  You want an eco-friendly resort in the middle of an ocean?  How are you going to get all the equipment there to build?  How the hell do you expect visitors to get to your island?  By slave-powered galleons?  [They can all drive their Toyota Prii over a pontoon of Nike's child laborers.--Eds.]

     MTV plans to air ten (10) commercial-free hours of the Live 8 concert because so many viewers complained about all the commercials and interviews the first time around.  Honey!  Fire up the adult diapers and tap that pony keg of Busch Light, 'cuz we ain't goin' nowhere for ten hours!

By Jack Jackson

    Justin Timberlake might star in a movie with Christina Ricci called Black Snake Moan, a movie about "an ex-blues musician who serves as a father-figure of a sex-addicted girl."  Justin, Go Take a Nap!  Your first starring role shouldn't be opposite of a sex-addicted girl!  What will all the teenage girls think?  That you masturbate and went down on Britney Spears?  Is that what you want them to think?  [We like movies about sex-addicted girls.--Eds.]

     Hollywood box office receipts are down for the 18th week straight, the longest streak recorded.  I wonder what could be causing it?  Is it the fact that going to a movie and getting a popcorn costs the same as buying the DVD?  Or is it that you always end up sitting in front of some heavy-breathing lard ass who thinks he's Roger Ebert doing a running commentary of the film?  Or is it the twenty minutes of ads for Coke, pants, and cars that turns the American Going Public away?  Or is it the movies themselves?  Let's see what's being released during this slump: the unnecessary "remakes" of Bewitched, The Honeymooners, The Longest Yard, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and House of Wax.  [When will they remake Deep Throat?--Eds.]

     MTV is fueling America's desire for more unreality TV.  The proposed projects are "a series about a Queens, N.Y., barbershop that cultivates hip-hop talent, with Sony Music CEO Tommy Mottola serving as an executive producer; former Jackass star Ryan Dunn helping wronged souls get revenge; former O-Town singer Ashley Park Angel's attempts at a comeback; MTV News correspondent Gideon Yago helping kids in crisis; a reality soap featuring Miami Beach models; and a vehicle for former public-access star Jake Fogelnest."  MTV, Go Take a Nap!  All that shit sux.  You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.  Go to your room, and don't come out until you think of a show that involves creativity and social value and doesn't pander to the mindless consumerist culture.  [We want to watch Gideon Yago helping kids in crisis.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

    Deep Throat turned out to be an FBI man.  Robert Redford said that he figured that Deep Throat was probably connected to the FBI.  Robert, Go Take a Nap!  Way to go out on a limb with that guess.  I mean, saying that Deep Throat was probably connected to the FBI is like saying Al Capone probably had a mafia connection.

     One of the