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December 27, 2004--Keep
the economy moving.
Some major drug companies of America have told their employees to "watch out" for Michael Moore, and to direct any and all questions he has of them to the higher-up corporate hacks. Major drug companies of America, Go Take a Nap! Why don't you be a little more honest and tell your employees to run and hide and lie and do whatever it takes to prevent the truth about how you rape America in the name of good health. [What if he just needs a cup of sugar?--Eds.] John Mayer thought it was "hurtful" that he was not allowed to attend his high school's ceremony inducting him into its hall of fame. The school officials cited security concerns and that "he was not expected to attend." John Mayer, Go Take a Nap! Why in hell would you think you'd be invited or allowed to attend your own induction ceremony? School officials, Go Take a Nap! Why in hell would you induct John Mayer into your hall of fame? That guy sucks a big fattie, dude. Meet the Press won the wild and crazy Sunday morning ratings race for the 200th week in a row. Way to go, Meet the Press! You've been able to get arm-chair politicos out of bed on Sunday mornings better than anyone else. Now if we could only be assured that when we vote, the votes actually get tabulated the way we voted, we'd have some sort of functional republic again. [And we'd all be better off sleeping in on Sunday mornings.--Eds.] Martha Stewart got on a high pedestal and said Americans should push for penal reform. First, the food at Camp Cupcake is "bad food." Second, she thinks the federal sentencing guidelines ought to be looser for first-time, non-violent offenders, especially for drug offenses. Martha, Go Take a Nap! Why don't you be a little more honest and say that rich white people who steal and lie ought to get a pass? And eat your rat stew. It's full of protein. |
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December 20, 2004--Sorry
for not writing last week. I was on vacation and that means I wasn't
sober enough to write mean shit about celebrities.
200 children arrived and were let into Neverland Ranch this week to celebrate Christmas a little bit early. Their ages ranged from 3-17, so at least now we know Jacko isn't a discriminating agist. What I want to know is how the kids got there. I mean, no parent or adult in their right mind would possibly take their kids to a fantasy ranch where the owner has a long and full history of being accused of molesting children, right? They must've all skipped school, stolen buses and cabs, and driven there on a joyride. That's what makes sense. [We'd take all our kids there if it meant we'd have a chance at a spot in a new unreality TV series, or a can of Pepsi with some bourbon in it.--Eds.]
Martha Stewart
dumped $8M
(300K
shares of Class A
common stock) in her company this week. One
Wall Street analyst
suggests she did so because she felt that the stock was "fully valued."
Wall Street analyst,
Go Take a Nap!
That garbage stock is overvalued at any price. Why anyone would
ever invest in the cold bitch's money-grubbing empire is beyond me.
[We like to eat her cookies and decorate the walls with taffeta and
chiffon.--Eds.] Let me see if I can guess how this one works: Mr. Investor Bankerman: "Any other criteria? Diversification strategy?" Hard Working, Middle Class Individual: "Nope. Oh, wait. I want to make sure I support someone who is already rich, and I never want to see the stock become worthless, slowly over time." Mr. Investor Bankerman: "Five shares of MSO, coming your way." Illinois Governor (and likely peckerhead) Rod Blagojevich is encouraging the Illinois legislature to make it a misdemeanor to sell violent videogames to minors. I've got a better idea. How about a law which would make it illegal for peckerhead governors from proposing laws that are practically impossible to enforce. Governor Blagojevich, Go Take a Nap! Being from Illinois, you ought to know that prohibition leads to a black market and organized crime. Preventing teenagers from buying violent video games will only create a very powerful teenager crime boss in Chicago. [Or we'll just buy the games for them for a small fee.--Eds.] Britney Spears bought her pet Chihuahua, Bitbit, a £93 steak from a fancy-pants restaurant in the Bellagio in Las Vegas. [What is that in $ or € or ¥?--Eds.] The chef was insulted that he was unwittingly cooking a fine steak for a dog, not a human. Chef, Go Take a Nap! The insult is the action of paying £93 for a steak, period. I don't care whether she fed it to a dog, put it up her butt, or gave it to a homeless person. The most any good steak should cost is £89. |
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December 6, 2004--Everyone's
here now.
Deputies in Los Olivos, CA, talked Michael Jackson into giving a sample of DNA, taking it by swabbing a cotton swab in his mouth for a swabbery swabberific Q-tip of Jacko genes. Deputies in Los Olivos, Go Take a Nap! You don't need to swab Jacko's mouth to get his DNA. You just need to go find some santorum from Macaulay Culkin. [When the FCC starts regulating the content of the Internet, this type column will no longer be possible.--Eds.] Stevie Wonder is mad at Eminem for making a video which makes fun of Michael Jackson for being a pedophile, pederast, buggerer, whatever. Stevie suggests that Eminem should be kinder to black people who laid the foundation for the music which has made him so much money. Stevie, Go Take a Nap! You telling Eminem to respect black people is like the white chili telling the Texas chili to be more like Cincinnati chili! [We like ours five-ways.--Eds.] British once-talented and twice-gay Elton John was honored at the Kennedy Center for "a lifetime of contributions to American culture through the performing arts." Kennedy Center, Go Take a Nap! The Kennedy Center must have a pretty broad definition of "contribution" and "performing art." If by "contribution" and "performing arts" they mean not writing a good song in two decades and yelling at fans for wanting autographs, then I guess he deserves the award. Supermodel Heidi Klum has herself a book which she done wrote herself! It's full of bons mots of all kinds. For example: "You have to want it, baby," "Have a blast while it lasts," and "Become the fantasy." Where the hell is "know your dealer," "don't shit where you eat," and "you buy here, you pay here"? "Do They Know It's Christmas?", the song which stunk up radio waves in 1984 will stink them up again in 2004, thanks to the general lack of taste that the British Empire is still afflicted with. Who else would eat boiled kidneys, blood pudding, and haggis? British Empire, Go Take a Nap! I know it's Christmas, you know it's Christmas, and it doesn't really matter if war-torn Africa knows, alright? And I'm guessing Africa won't be listening to top-40 UK radio much so maybe instead of singing about it, you should sail over there and tell them in person. |
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November 29, 2004--Everyone's
playing poker these days.
Some are criticizing Oliver Stone's Alexander because of its "frank depiction of bisexuality." Others, of course, are praising the movie because of the "frank depiction of bisexuality." While I have not yet seen this film, I don't believe anyone has it quite right. After all, any good frank depiction of bisexuality ought to actually depict some frank bisexuality. Colin Farrell apparently does little more than hug Jared Leto in the movie, and if that's all it takes to frankly depict bisexuality, maybe our society is even pruder than I thought. [Or maybe they just aren't making bisexuals like they used to.--Eds.] So, Oliver Stone, Go Take a Nap! Next time, we want to see a real depiction of bisexuality, not this faggoty huggin' shit. Seems as if everyone loves to hang out with Martha Stewart at lunchtime in jail. That's nice. Maybe they should let her decorate the mess hall with taffeta. [Maybe she should use rayon.--Eds.] The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce is upset that no real celebrities show up to participate in the annual stupidity of the Hollywood Christmas Parade anymore. It used to draw Bob Hope and Jimmy Stewart and Gregory Peck. Now it's American Idol loser William Hung. Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, Go Take a Nap! William Hung is a real celebrity just like Gregory Peck was. Who wouldn't stand around Hollywood Boulevard to watch William Hung go by on a float with SpongeBob Squarepants? And for you who can stand to watch a movie with great acting but without a helicopter blowing up, check out Sideways by Alexander Payne. |
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November 22, 2004--Alright,
no more screwin' around.
Vanilla Ice's pet wallaroo (a cross between a wallaby and a kangaroo) escaped and made national news. What's newsworthy is not that the wallaroo escaped, or that Vanilla Ice has one, but that it made national news. Mass media, Go Take a Nap! I want more substance in my daily dose of news, like what's Ashlee Simpson up to? [We want to know more about the Scott Peterson trial.--Eds.] Paul McCartney will do the Super Bowl halftime mindless display of romp and pomp, but there will not, repeat, not, be any more black tits. [There will be a general lack of musicality, too.--Eds.] Super Bowl halftime show, Go Take a Nap! If I don't see black tits, I'm going to have to go to the pr0n store, or check my email. The FCC said this week that "a la carte" cable packages, that is, being able to pick out channels to subscribe to as opposed to the mega-package deals, won't save consumers any money. Let's see here. $60 for 100 channels, and the FCC says it won't be any cheaper for just a couple of channels I want to watch. That makes sense. FCC, Go Take a Nap! None of the shit you come up with benefits the consumers in any way, and I thought serving the public was your job. |
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November 15, 2004--The
supermarket nearby is already selling Christmas trees.
Soon
you may be media
blitzkrieged
by some propagandistic demagoguery which will advocate a
Constitutional amendment
which would allow foreign-born
Nazi offspring
to run for president of our fine country. I'll go ahead and dub
this the
Schwarzenegger Amendment.
Let's just assume that the
Republican Party
has enough money to brainwash enough people to vote for such an
amendment with incessant lies about how great it would be to have
someone like
Arnold Schwarzenegger
run for president [What about
William Shatner,
the
Canadian?--Eds.]
Or in the alternative, let's assume they have enough cronies who either
own the electronic voting booths or the companies that create the
software to throw enough votes in favor of such an amendment even if the
populace votes against it. Arnold:
I knew
Jack Kennedy,
Hillary,
and you are a girlie man! Or, I could be wrong. The lawyers for Robert Blake are in the jury selection process, and they are trying to pack the jury with people who "love a good mystery and may be open to conspiracy theories." Lawyers for Robert Blake, Go Take a Nap! Do you think you can really convince even one mystery-lover-cum-conspiracy theorist that Christian Brando, two homeless guys, and a stuntman killed Bonnie Lee? [O.J. went free and his defense attorneys didn't have a conspiracy theorist jury.--Eds.] |
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November 8, 2004--Things
are going to get bad before they get a lot worse.
Bob Barker donated a cool $1Million to UCLA's College of Law for an animal rights endowment. Bob, Go Take a Nap! You've been telling people to schnutz their pets for decades, and now all of a sudden you want to protect their legal rights? How about supporting a mammal's basic right to procreate? I knew you were losing it as soon as you started to give contestants two putts to win the car in Hole-in-One. The MPAA decided to learn nothing from the RIAA and announced it would begin to sue those sharing movies on the Internet. MPAA, Go Take a Nap! There's something about suing your customers that just doesn't make sense. How about instead of trying to control everyone and squeeze every penny from them, maybe you could work with your customers to develop a business plan that would allow sharing legally and benefit you financially. How about a royalty on ISP services instead of suing your customers instead?
Toby Keith
begun construction on a
600-seat restaurant/music hall
in Oklahoma City
called "I Love This Bar &
Grill" named after what is
apparently a popular song, "I
Love This Bar". The
project will cost approximately
$4.7Million
and there's no word yet on whether he asked
Kenny Rogers
for any advice on how to run it. |
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November 1, 2004--Please
don't go vote if you're going to vote against my candidates and issues.
Elton John says that his rage and temper are just part of being creative. And I suppose murdering your wife is just part of being a star running back. And maybe hiring someone to kill your wife is just part of playing Baretta on TV. He also said that he used to love being in the limelight, and now he hates it. Elton, Go Take a Nap! If you don't like the limelight, maybe you should stop making such a priggish ass of yourself in public. [Or maybe he should Go Take a Nap!--Eds.] And Elton John's best friend, Eminem, said pretty much the same thing about his fame this week. He wants to go back to a simpler life of just making music, just being comfortable, not having to sign autographs, being able to go to the mall without attention, and knowing whether a woman loves him for him or for his success. Eminem, Go Take a Nap! Is there any doubt that women only love you for your success? [And what's the big deal with wanting to go to the mall? We went last week to get some new shoes and it's really not all that great of a deal. Quite a let down, actually. We did sign a few autographs, however, on the toilet with a sharpie.--Eds.] Arnold Schwarzenegger has no immediate plans to run for president. Gee, that's awful kind of you, Arnie, considering that our Constitution won't allow foreign-born Nazi offspring to be president in this country. Are you doing anything as governor of California other than grandstanding and offending the Democrats? |
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October 25,
2004--If gold is such a great investment right now, why are we flooded
with ads selling it?
"The
whole situation was a bummer," said
Ashlee Simpson
concerning her
Saturday Night Live
"performance" which exposed her for the true artist she is. When
she jumped onstage to perform her second song, her vocal track played
before she remembered to put the microphone to her mouth and lip synch
to her latest crappy song. Then she left the stage in
embarrassment. First, she blamed the band for playing the wrong
tune. Then, the
record company
blamed a computer glitch. Finally, her
daddy
had to chip in and claim it was
acid reflux disease.
Simpson family
and
record company,
Go Take a Nap! In the Oh, Really? section of this week's column: an expert witness for Disney shareholders testified that the amount of $140Million paid to Michael Ovitz as severance pay after 14 months there was "unreasonable". Oh, Really? A neighbor of Lenny Kravitz sued him for negligence in letting his toilet overflow, stating that it became "blocked, clogged, and congested with various materials." [That's lawyer-ese for he took a big dump and used too much TP.--Eds.] Then "catastrophic water damage" ensued in his neighbor's Manhattan condo. Lenny, Go Take a Crap! And break it up a bit next time with a courtesy flush or something. |
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October 18,
2004--Love is...not asking.
Martha Stewart is apparently having a good time in jail. In fact, most are predicting she'll bank $5Million from penning her memoirs of her five-month stint in the low-security hoosegow called Camp Cupcake. Martha, Go Take a Nap! No one wants to read about how you spent five months in jail. Er. Oh, that's right. There are about a million mindless housewives in this country that can't wait to buy your memoirs. [And a million mindless gay men.--Eds.] Prince's new video for Cinnamon Girl is taking some heat because it depicts a teenage Arab-American girl harassed by her peers and then dreaming of blowing up an airport. First, it's not very realistic to blow up an airport. I mean, most of the airports I've been to are so big that you'd need to have about 100 terrorists ready to go to do any serious damage with personal bombs [Don't give them any ideas--Eds.]. Second, didn't we do this all before with Pearl Jam's Jeremy? [We'd like to see more videos of postal workers dreaming of delivering the mail and not killing anyone.--Eds.] Looks like Robert Blake's theory that Christian Brando, a homeless guy, and some other dude conspired to kill his wife isn't going to fly. The judge disallowed into evidence an audiotape of Brando yelling about Bonnie Lee Bakley. Well, if you ask me, this tape should be entered into evidence, because yelling about someone proves they murdered someone. Sandra Bullock won a $7Million judgment for faulty house repairs. Let's see here...$7Million to fix my house...or...28 Million tacos at cheap taco night! You do the math. |
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October 11,
2004--Diarrhea isn't so bad when you have cable TV and Internet access in
your crapper.
The new marionette-action-comedy-spoof-dramedy Team America had to cut out some puppet sex in order to come in at the coveted R rating instead of the much maligned NC-17 rating. The movie had depicted "simulated sex between wooden puppets" but you won't get anything too steamy on the silver screen, thanks to the MPAA's ratings system. [We're hoping for some bonus features on the DVD where ET has sex with all the wooden puppets at the same time with his creepy glowing finger.--Eds.] MPAA ratings system, Go Take a Nap! As an adult, I ought to be able to take teens to see this movie, and I want them to see simulated sex between wooden puppets! Justin Timberlake dropped in on an 8th-grade gym class in Toronto to play some basketball with them, but not because of the kindness of his heart. No, he did it as a publicity stunt for McDonalds Canada which extolled the virtues of eating fast food as part of a healthy lifestyle. Timberlake, Go Take a Nap! Being a corporate hack for a McDonalds campaign extolling the virtues of fast food as part of a healthy lifestyle is like Hitler doing a public service announcement for an African-American voters' rights coalition. [Or like Stalin drinking American vodka.--Eds.] California voters think Arnold Schwarzenegger is good for the state, but not so good for the country. A recent poll suggested only 26% of California voters would like to see him as president if, for some strange reason, the entire country went batshit nutz and amended the Constitution so that foreign-born politicos could become our commander-in-chief. [The Constitution's amendment process only requires 3/4 of the states going batshit nutz.--Eds.] Dennis Rodman says that his "bad-boy image" is hurting his chances of returning to the NBA. Or maybe, just maybe, it's because you're 43, and haven't played professionally for over four years. Or maybe, just maybe, it's because you're batshit nutz and no one wants you on their team. [We think it's his image.--Eds.] And I would be remiss, very remiss, to not finally address the wonderful new developments at my dear old alma mater, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln (UNL). They've done the honorable thing, or at least Chancellor Harvey Perlman signed off, to letting NBC film their latest unreality show with Tommy Lee pretending to be going to college. He'll be going to college and studying so hard, that he'll only need to be here four weeks instead of the regular 16 it takes to finish a semester. Moreover, he just started, so he only missed, oh, about seven weeks of classes. This is just the kind of thing Nebraska needed. A little money and a bunch of publicity showing just how much we'll bend over to prove to the rest of America that we'll let anything, anything at all, be valued higher than an education at our fine university. |
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October 4,
2004--Being a terrorist's hostage sure can make one lose one's head.
Martha Stewart will be spending five months of pokey-time in a federal prison known as Camp Cupcake. A minimum-security-women-only prison, Camp Cupcake sits on top of a hill in West Virginia, and there are no walls or fences to keep Martha in. Camp Cupcake, Go Take a Nap! You're going to have to build some mad crazy walls to keep Martha in. She'll be diggin' tunnels and evadin' spotlights and baking herself cakes with files in them and you'll never, ever keep her indomitable spirit down. Britney Spears has prepared a "letter of truth" which will explain in detail her most recent marriage and more. The catch? It'll cost you a smooth $24.98 to join her premium content section of her website to have access to the letter. Britney, Go Take a Nap! $24.98 is a lot of money to read about your desires for drunken, rough sex, and by my calculations, I could instead use that $24.98 to get 100 tacos at Thursday cheap taco night. [By our calculations, you would only be able to get 99.92 tacos unless you figure out some way to scrounge up another two cents.--Eds.] Robert Blake now claims that his wife was killed as the result of a conspiracy between Christian Brando, two stuntmen, and two homeless people, because she showed Christian Brando a picture of a baby intimating that it was his via her, but was really Blake's baby. Robert, Go Take a Nap! This conspiracy theory doesn't hold water. Everyone in Hollywood knows that any believable conspiracy theory involves three stuntmen and four homeless people. [And at least one cast member from The Facts of Life.--Eds.] When asked about America, Chow Yun-Fat said he "can't stand talking English every day or the lifestyle ... not to mention the food." [He sure doesn't seem to mind our way of giving him money for running around and beating people up in film.--Eds.] C'mon Chow, give us another chance! Come back and we'll start talking your language and cooking food just the way you like it, because that's what we're here for. Think of us as New Hong Kong. Er. Wait a minute. Next time you're here, just go to In-N-Out Burger and order it animal style. [We hear animal style is Britney's favorite way.--Eds.] |
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September 27,
2004--Life is the quest for the silver lining to every golden turd.
So I guess you shouldn't try to fly to America with Cat Stevens on your flight. The U.S. government diverted his plane to Bangor from its original destination of Washington, D.C. because he is on a no-fly list for allegedly donating money to Hamas. U.S. government, Go Take a Nap! If he's on the no-fly list, why let him fly to Maine? Don't you theoretically have to shoot the plane down to put him in a state of no-longer-flying? And why force delays upon all of the other passengers? Just let Cat and his fellow passengers land at their scheduled destination next time, and then you can make him go back home. Personal to Cat: I know you like your Muslim name, Yusuf Islam, but if you want back in our country, better change it to something a little whiter, like Johnny Christianity, or David Judaism. [We think Harry Chinaman would work, too.--Eds.] Britney Spears says she wants to be a "young mom." And then she'll be a young MILF. And then she'll get divorced and she'll be a young DILF. [And then you get old and die, which is a "total ugh," so live it up!--Eds.] Elton John was upset this week after his plane landed in Taiwan, because the Taiwanese media were allowed to beset him as he exited his plane. Reporters immediately surrounded him, photographers took pictures, and he responded by calling them all "rude, vile pigs!" Elton, Go Take a Nap! You should be happy that anyone, anyone at all, still wants to give your saggy, old, gay ass any publicity at all. You haven't written a good song in decades, and you're losing your voice. Jackie Chan is upset at Hollywood, he says, because there are no real acting roles for Asian actors. All they get to do is play kung fu fighters, according to him. Jackie, Go Take a Nap! That's not true at all. In fact, I remember just the other day seeing a movie called Breakfast at Tiffany's where they let an Asian guy play a surly landlord! |
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September 20, 2004--Support
our troops by buying a magnetic sticker made in Korea.
The Olsen Twins will pimp Happy Meals for McDonalds in France. I'll have to reread Revelations to figure out which seal that broke, but let's just assume, for the sake of argument, that that broke the fifth seal. McDonald's, Go Take a Nap! Having the Olsen Twins pimp Happy Meals is like having Hitler do ads for the Holocaust Museum. [We're not sure this analogy is appropriate.--Eds.] I want to see an Olsen Twin eat a Happy Meal and not intentionally barf it up. [We want to see them eat ice cream cones and pet kittens.--Eds.] It's official. Rick James died from a heart attack but not an overdose because his bloodstream was full of nine different drugs, so sayeth the toxicology man. Toxicology man, Go Take a Nap! Explain to me how being on nine different drugs and dying from a heart attack is not an overdose. [We've been on ten different drugs and didn't die.--Eds.] Edward Furlong, star of Pet Sematary II, drunkenly pulled lobsters from an aquarium in a Kentucky grocery store. No one knows why. But I know why. Because he was drunk. That's all you need to know. Being drunk in a grocery store at night can make a man do some crazy things. [We like to play football with the paper towels.--Eds.] Elton John says that bands these days aren't paying their dues. He says you shouldn't make a video and then go on tour. You should go on tour, then make the video. Elton, Go Take a Nap! You're just jealous. [We also wonder if Elton means something more by "paying dues" than going on tour.--Eds.] Supposedly, Britney Spears got married again this weekend. At this rate, she'll have about 40 exes by the time she retires. Hopefully this time, it won't be a "total ugh" for her. [Hopefully she got trashed and had animalistic sex again, tho.--Eds.] And Macaulay Caulkin was busted for marihuana and Xanax and clonazepam, all without a prescription. The mass media consider this was newsworthy, but I for some reason just assumed that dude was drugged up all the time. [We heard Michael Jackson got him started with whiskey in Pepsi cans.--Eds.] |
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September 13, 2004--Support
our troops by buying a magnetic sticker made in China.
Pamela Anderson is mad at KFC because of they way they boil, de-beak, and cripple the chickens before they end up with the seven special spices and in our bellies. Pam, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows that KFC had to change their name to KFC from Kentucky Fried Chicken because there's no actual chicken being served there. [We have third-hand reports that KFC uses organ farms, much like the creepy scene in "Coma" where all the people are on life support waiting for organ transplant surgery for rich people, but the KFC organ farms aren't actual comatose chickens. Instead, it's just a bunch of breasts and thighs being fed IVs.--Eds.] [We are interested to hear more about a breast and thigh farm.--Eds.] CBS was fined $550,000, or $27,500 for 20 of the over 200 TV stations it owns which showed Janet Jackson's tit. Let's see here. $550,000 fine for one tit. Good thing we didn't see both tits, or that woulda broke CBS's bank! [Good thing Timberlake didn't pull out his pecker, too!--Eds.] And who's going to fine the FCC for letting CBS own over 200 stations in the U.S.? Official Britney Spears pre-chewed pieces of gum are regularly going for over $5 on eBay. That makes sense. After all, I just got done bidding $6 for a piece of bacon pre-chewed by Abe Vigoda. [We just bid $8 on a smoked turkey leg licked by the Olsen Twins.--Eds.] Johnny Depp recently said that he thought growing old was "great fun" and "great." Johnny, Go Take a Nap! Growing old is not great fun or great. It's terrible when you wake up and your adult diapers are full and your pecker doesn't work anymore. [We don't like that our hair is blue and we can't remember how to drive.--Eds.] |
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August 30, 2004--Why don't we see massive protests against the Democratic
National Convention?
Rapper Usher says he has no beef with Justin Timberlake. He says he's not trying to compete with Justin and that he's "not looking for that bad-boy image." Usher, Go Take a Nap! If Justin Timberlake is the image of a bad boy, then there sure as hell are a lot of Satans running around. [We think Justin Timberlake is a bad boy because he put his tongue into and around Britney's flesh purse.--Eds.] The State of Illinois sued the Dave Matthews Band for dumping 800 pounds of liquid human waste from their tour bus over and through the metal grating of the Kinzie street bridge into the Chicago River in Chicago. Normally, this wouldn't have been a problem, but there were a boatload of tourists underneath on one of those damn boat tours of Chicago where they yell via megaphones that "over there Al Capone killed a guy. Over here, there was some political corruption. Here is a Cubs fan who does nothing but drink Old Style and fart the ass out of his pants." The legal theory? Violation of pollution and nuisance laws. State of Illinois, Go Take a Nap! Have you ever seen the Chicago River? Filling it with liquid human waste is more likely to de-pollute the river than anything. [Or at least dilute the industrial waste to the point where it no longer smells like sulfur but shit.--Eds.] Alice Cooper first said that those rockers who campaign against Bush are "treasonous morons." He later explained that he was taken out of context because he qualified the statement saying those rockers were committing treason against rock. No one should take any rocker's political advice, he said, because all rockers are morons. So, I did exactly what he said, and I ignored his moronic advice and now I'm taking all my political advice from rockers. |
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August 23, 2004--Time to go back to school so we can learn to be good
people again.
The autopsy of Rick James is inconclusive. His family believes he died of natural causes, but the coroner is going to wait to place his bets until he gets the toxicology report back. Coroner, Go Take a Nap! We all know he died from natural causes. [If by natural causes, you mean heavy drug use and freaky sex, then yes.--Eds.] Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis, is partially being filmed at Chernobyl. I'm guessing that they didn't want to film the whole movie there because of the funny tasting water. [We think it's because there are real zombies there.--Eds.] But Return of the Living Dead movies, Go Take a Nap! We don't need any more zombie movies. We need more zombie porn movies. Quentin Tarantino thinks he's hurt his Oscar chances by splitting up Kill Bill into two parts. Quentin, Go Take a Nap! You've killed your Oscar chances forever because of your snide and smug speech you gave for Best Original Screenplay in 1994 for Pulp Fiction. Just because you think your movies deserve Oscars doesn't mean you'll get one. And let me tell you this: the best movie ever made is The Cannonball Run and did it win an Oscar? Four Filipino family members have been arrested for serving a relative and serving him at a wedding reception. Filipino family members, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows that you're supposed to serve your relatives at the pre-nup, not the wedding. Robert Blake thought his wife was an unfit mother as early as ten months before she was killed, and he tried to gain exclusive custody. Robert, Go Take a Nap! Just because you think your wife is an unfit mother is no excuse to hire a hit man to kill her. [We recommend getting her Chicken Soup for the Unfit Mother's Soul.--Eds.] |
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August 9,
2004--Why is it the dog days of summer? Couldn't it be the bearcat
days of summer?
The Princess Diana memorial fountain in London is being bespoiled by people throwing garbage, even diapers into it. What's worse than that? Dogs are paddling in it! Dogs, Go Take a Nap! You're supposed to piddle in the fountain, not paddle in it. Jack Valenti is stepping down as the head of the MPAA. What did he have to say about his 38-year stint as a diehard luddite who helped buy Congressmen to increase the monopolistic power of the major studios by increasing the protection of copyright law? "I survived," he said. He may have survived, but I'm not sure sure about his toupee. Christian Slater had to scrap his debut in a London performance of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest because he had chicken pox. Chicken pox?!?! Christian, Go Take a Nap! What are you, twelve? Didn't you have an older brother or sister to give it to you? And chicken pox sure as hell wouldn't keep me from performing in London. Think about it. You'd be scratching yourself the whole time, and it would help you get into the part of a crazy person. Think of it as method acting. And it appears nothing else happened this week in the world of celebrities. |
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August 2,
2004--Happiness is a butterfly landing on a retarded kid's head.
Six weeks at a treatment facility was all it took to fix Mary-Kate Olsen. She apparently went from rich girl who wouldn't eat to rich girl who would eat in a mere 42 days. Mary-Kate, Go Take a Nap! [Mary-Kate, Go Eat a Pork Sandwich.--Eds.] You don't need 42 days at a treatment facility to teach you that food is important. You just need to eat the Spicy Chicken Sandwich at Wendy's. Once you go Spicy, you never...never go back. Earvin "Magic" Johnson opened a Starbucks Coffee in Compton. Good. I can see it now. L.L. Cool J will be all about gettin' his shizzy wif da fizzy and the flavor shot of Swiss Vanillin Tapioca Compote. [We prefer the complex tastes that the iced coffees effectuate.--Eds.] Michael Jackson surprised some Houstoners this week at a mall. He tasted a pretzel, shook some hands, and spent a lot of money on teddy bears. Er. Houston mall, Go Take a Nap! Let's put this one out there and call it like it is: he's going to use the teddy bears to lure little children to his Neverland ranch where they'll play games and dance and prance and have fun and then they'll drink whiskey from Pepsi cans and then pray in front of the Macaulay Culkin shrine while he slowly depantses the chillren and... [We have decided to no longer let Jack Jackson "call it like it is."--Eds.]. Nick Carter does not regret getting "Paris" tattooed onto his wrist, even after he broke up with Paris Hilton. Nick, Go Take a Nap! Of course you regret the tattoo on your wrist. It's a permanent reminder that you had sloppy seconds from a woman who [We're going to put a stop to this one before it gets raunchy.--Eds.]. And speaking of Paris Hilton, she apparently showed up somewhere in public with a black eye. I'm guessing she's into the same stuff as Britney Spears. You know, the "mind-blowing and rough" sex? [We've seen the type sex she's into on the Internet, and at no time did she get punched in the face for sexual pleasure.--Eds.]. |
| July
26,
2004--Don't want to be at work? Crap your pants.
Linda Ronstadt, hired for a one-show stint at the Aladdin in Las Vegas, dedicated a song to Michael Moore and his movie Fahrenheit 9/11. The calm and perfect examples of self-righteous adult conduct, The Republicans of the audience, booed, stomped out, tore down her posters, threw drinks, and demanded their money back. Republicans at the Las Vegas show, Go Take a Nap! Why do you hate Linda Ronstadt's freedoms so much? Maybe you should move to Soviet Russia where the freedom to speak your mind is non-existent and is met with a good stomping from a jackboot. [Or maybe they should just go buy all of Linda's records so they can hear her sing without fearing hearing any original thoughts.--Eds.] Everyone's favorite wheelchair-bound physicist, Stephen Hawking, has revised his theory about black holes. Initially, he believed that black holes destroy energy and matter, but now he says that they eventually disintegrate and release the energy and matter in a "mangled" form. The matter doesn't, like he previously believed, come out the anus of the black hole and into a parallel universe. Stephen, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knew that! Welcome to the 21st Century, Einstein! Peter Frampton is suing Billabong because they're using his face and a parodied line from one of his songs, "Baby I love your waves," on the panties part of a bikini. Frampton, Go Take a Nap! [The opposite of Frampton, Come Alive!--Eds.] Having your likeness splattered all over the naughty bits of beach-going women is an honor, not a lawsuit. Besides, you should be appreciative of the free advertising. Star Wars III will be called "Revenge of the Sith". I sorta figured it would be "Revenge of the Ronstadt" but you know how these Hollywood types are. [George Lucas lives in Mill Valley somewhere.--Eds.] [I think Skywalker Ranch is near Marin City.--Ed.] Highlights of the movie will include: ET turning Jar-Jar Binks into a dark Jedi; ET telling Jar-Jar Binks bedtime stories about the "home country"; ET severing Jar-Jar's head and using it as a hood ornament on his new BMW 760Li Sedan; Ewoks having Anakin over for tea; Anakin killing all the Ewoks; roll credits and CUT! |
| July
19,
2004--The optimist says "I'm full." The pessimist says "I'm not
full." The realist says "I have to go take a crap."
An ESPN crew visited the three-year-old Espen Allen Blondeel this week, because little Espen is named after ESPN! ESPN is aware of at least 11 children (male and female) named after the sports network. Mothers of Espens, Go Take a Nap! You're supposed to be the rational guiding force behind the naming of the children. If you let the fathers name the kids, we'll have and entire country of children named after various guy-oriented items. Imagine all the kids named Velveeta, Hot Wing, Nascar, Playboy, Football, and Beer Can. Jason Alexander, the Jason Alexander who got trizzzzashed with Britney Spears, married, and then not-so-married, blames Britney's family for tearing them apart. He also claims that Britney proposed to him after several nights of "mind-blowing and rough" sex, unprotected even. [This is not as good as several rough nights of penis-blowing.--Eds.] [As in, several nights of getting your penis blown.--Eds.] Is anyone surprised that Britney is into rough sex? I mean, she keeps singing about getting hit "one more time" and her strabismus vergens could be a sign that she's been punched in the face before. But Britney, Go Take a Nap! It ain't right to lead my man, Jason, on like that. The rough sex, the unprotected rough sex, the mind-blowing unprotected rough sex, the marriage, and then you later call it a "total ugh"? [We want to know if he got to put it in the poohole. Eds.] Elton John is upset because of self-censoring celebrities who are afraid to speak out against the war in Iraq. He says they are too career-conscious. For example, he pointed to Toby Keith being accepted publicly for his pro-Bush stance, and the Dixie Chicks shunned for being anti-war. Elton, Go Take a Nap! First of all, my career is important to me. If I can make a few million dollars by saying that we should stand behind every decision our president makes (see Britney Spears on how to word this properly), I'll do it! Second of all, the Dixie Chicks were shunned because they suck superbad. When asked how she would handle her term in the pokey, Martha Stewart said she'll get by. In fact, she said there are "many other people that have gone to prison. Look at Nelson Mandela." Let's see here. Five months in jail for obstructing justice related to insider trading, or 26 years in jail for advocating the end of apartheid. Is there any real difference? Maybe Martha can fight the good fight in jail and write some speeches on how insider trading should be legalized. Martha, Go Take a Good, Long, Prison Nap! Arnold Schwarzenegger called the California Democratic State Legislators "girlie men" and asked the voters to "terminate" them in November. This is the same governor that claimed he would "blow up" the boxes of government. California, Go Take a Nap! You've used direct democracy to elect yourselves a Hitler-wannabe as helmsman of state. [He's Austrian-born, encourages others to kill his opponents, and only has one testicle.--Eds.] |
| July
12,
2004--Bush/Kerry in 2004.
James Doohan, the actor only known for his role as Scotty on Star Trek, has Alzheimer's Disease. This, of course, isn't going to stop him from attending a Star Trek convention in late August. Here's a partial script from the upcoming Star Trek VII: Scotty's Dimensional Dementia
Kirk:
Scotty,
you've got to beam us up now. We have to get out of here right now
or the Romulans
are going to kill us. [Alzheimer's Disease is not a funny situation--unless ET has it--and we apologize severely for the shameless and inconsiderate joke.--Eds.] The Olsen Twins ads for "got milk?" were pulled by the Milk Processor Education Program in order to show "sensitivity to their current situation." Milk Processor Education Program, Go Take a Nap! Mary-Kate needs to drink several big glasses of whole milk in order to start gaining some weight, and what better reminder than a big billboard displaying her face with a milk cumshot on it? [Half and half or heavy whipping cream wouldn't hurt.--Eds.] "It felt like it was time to start again," said Police Academy creator Paul Maslansky, referring to his desire to make another Police Academy film, the putative eighth installment. Paul, Go Take a Nap! Sometimes I feel like it's time to start again, but you don't see me making the eighth installment of Jack Jackson Presents: Jack Jackson VIII, Crappin' in the Bushes is Worth Two in the Hand. George Michael says his fans have been "slagging him off," packing his website's chatroom with "negative comment." So he shut down his website's chatroom. George, Go Take a Nap! If you can't handle it when your fans bash you, how are you going to handle it when I start taking jabs? Maybe you and Pat Boone ought to hang out together, since you both seem to think censorship is a good thing. |
| July
5,
2004--Terrorists
hate our freedom. That's why they love it when we throw them in jail
indefinitely.
Bob Barker entered the Academy of Television and Arts & Sciences Hall of Fame this week. He received the honor from none other than Chuck Norris. Um. Chuck Norris? He was handing out awards for the Academy of Television and Arts & Sciences Hall of Fame? Did I miss the day of class where they taught us about how Chuck Norris is some big TV star? I mean, shouldn't Bob Barker own the Academy of Television and Arts & Sciences Hall of Fame by now? Or at least a part of it? And what went though his mind when Walker, the Texas Ranger handed him the trophy? I'll tell you what he thought. He thought, Chuck Norris, Go Take a Nap! Ashley Olsen says her sister, Mary-Kate, is "hanging in there," in reference to her anorexia. It just goes to show you no matter how much money you make or how much fame you have, you can still get hung up about eating to the point where you'll starve yourself. [We don't see this. Eating is fun.--Eds.] Britney Spears says this next drunken-ass time to the chapel will be for love. What was it the first time she got married? "That thing was a total ugh," she said. Was it also, like, totally what-evs? Britney, Go Take a Nap! That first time wasn't a total ugh. It was a drunken, sloppy cavort in Vegas, and you loved every second of your marriage, because you finally got to have sex. Remember, you were saving your fleshy flower until you got married? [Jack Jackson has apparently forgotten the approximately 500 times Ms. Spears porked Justin Timberlake.--Eds.] Much like a person standing up from the crapper and performing a ritualistic and sentimental flushing of a large turd, Tobey Maguire likes to sneak into movie theaters to see how the audiences are "digging" his movies. Tobey, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you can't tell if an audience is digging your movies unless you pre-pay all the critics to take a junket to the opening to give it a positive review. Once you plaster America with ads and mindless fanboy reviews, then you're assured the audience will dig your movie, no matter what. Standing incognito at your own movies is nothing more than a blatant act of self-aggrandizement. And Jeffrey Jones, the actor most famous for playing Criswell in Ed Wood, was arrested in California for failing to notify the sex offender registry of his change of residence within 48 hours of his move. He had previously pled no contest to a charge of paying a 14-year-old boy to pose nude for his camera. It's a good thing we've got that list! Teenage boys should be busy making hamburgers, not porn. |
| June
28,
2004--[To the tune of the Colonel Bogey March:] Dub-ya, he only has one ball Cheney, has two but very small Ashcroft, smokes cock and whacks off And Rumsfeld has no balls at all. Mary-Kate Olsen is being treated for anorexia nervosa. [For those of you unfamiliar with the Olsen Twins, she's the skinny one.--Eds.] [For those of you unfamiliar with anorexia nervosa, it's when someone has an abnormal fear of gaining weight, to the point where they don't eat.--Eds.] Mary-Kate, Go Take a Nap! You've got enough cash to treat yourself to a few million Klondike Bars each day. [And she can afford approximately 600Million tacos.--Eds.] So get out and live a little! And if you're wondering what to get your good ole Uncle Jack for Christmas, I saw him looking plaintively at the plasma TVs at Best Buy the other day. The big ones. David Bowie was struck in the eye by a lollipop during a concert in Oslo. He "punished" the audience by playing an "extra-long" concert. David, Go Take a Nap! You punish the audience by playing nothing but the Labyrinth Original Soundtrack [Labyrinth was the children's fantasy movie starring Bowie and a spritely young Jennifer Connelly (15 years old), the plot of which was that Bowie plays an evil sorcerer who loves trying to get into teenage girls' panties while a bunch of ogres toss babies around in the parlor of his palace.--Eds.]. And save that lollipop. I think Mary-Kate Olsen could use the extra sugar. My movie nemesis, Ben Affleck, won a poker tournament for $356,400. No word yet on how he'll spend the extra cash, but some acting lessons wouldn't be a bad idea. I heard Liv Tyler likes animal crackers, though. Jack Jackson received a bill for tuition this week from his college. College, Go Take a Nap! I don't have that kind of money right now! Arnold Schwarzenegger did a Texas two-step last week. After first proposing a budget cut to the California local governments which would halve the time an animal shelter would be required to keep an animal before murdering it from six days to three, the Terminator quickly backed off from his proposal. Arnold, Go Take a Nap! Your proposal would only save the entire state of California an alleged $14Million. You spent over $10Million of your own money and over $20Million total just on your campaign to be governor! Britney Spears got engaged (again). [Er...she actually got married but never engaged that first time drunkenly in Lo$t Wage$, Nevada.-Eds.] That's good, Britney! You've been saving your virginity for long enough. |
| June
21,
2004--This week's edition is entitled "Fahrenheit 451".
Richard Branson, the rich dude behind Virgin, did his best James Bond impression and drove an amphibious car across the English Channel in a record setting pace under two hours. The car can achieve up to 30mph in water, and can potentially get you Heathrow from the city of London in less time than a regular car on land would. Richard, Go Take a Nap! You're not James Bond, and the Chunnel was built for a reason. It was built so rich egomaniacs like yourself would stop pretending to be James Bond in their little boat-cars. And everyone knows that it's not cool to have a floating car. The cool thing is to have the car that turns into a submarine. [And then also a helicopter.--Eds.] A "World Peace Concert" scheduled for Hanoi, Vietnam was cancelled. Guests would have been Gloria Gaynor, Lionel Ritchie, Hootie and the Blowfish, and the Black Eyed Peas. I think I have a couple of ideas as to why it was cancelled. First, the world is in a constant state of war, so it would be silly to have a concert celebrating world peace. Second, no one remembers who Gloria Gaynor is, especially the Vietnamese, and I'm guessing that the few Vietnamese who know who she is still don't know the words to "I Will Survive." And third, Hootie and the Blowfish suck so bad, they're likely to start a war, not stop one. Don Rickles is the newest inductee into the World Gaming Hall of Fame in Las Vega$. World Gaming Hall of Fame, Go Take a Nap! You're the World Gambling Hall of Fame. Just because you take the "bl" out of "gambling" doesn't mean it's suddenly a family friendly activity that has no negative side effect on society. [And we thought gaming referred to role-playing games, like dungeon dice. Eds.] The Passion of Mel Gibson rocketed him to the top of the Forbes Celebrity 100. His subtitled Latin and Aramaic epic endeavor into Schadenfreude which killed two older women spectators has earned him over $210Million in the past 12 months. Jesus Christ! Ray Bradbury is upset that Michael Moore didn't ask his permission to use the title "Fahrenheit 9/11". Ray wrote Fahrenheit 451, BTW. Ray, Go Take a Nap! He doesn't have to ask your permission to use a title. Go ask your trademark or copyright attorney about the law of titles. Not only is Fahrenheit 451 no more than the temperature at which paper burns, but it's too short to get copyright protection, and it is too generic or descriptive to get trademark protection. I'm going to title this week's column just to make Ray mad. |
| June
14,
2004--Happy Flag Day.
My apologies for a short and unfunny week in advance, but there simply was no celebrity news this week since Ronald Reagan's publicity stunt gobbled all the media coverage. The Olsen twins finally became women yesterday and now everyone can whakkoff without fearing being a pedophile. Their estimated value: $300M. [Jack Jackson's estimated value: $11.92--Eds.] The big rumors flying around this week were of J. Lo and Marc Anthony being both married and pregnant. Marc Anthony would not confirm or deny the rumors. Marc, Go Take a Nap! Tell us everything right now! We need to know so we can move on with your lives. And we want a reality TV show, too. [We think the baby will become a very popular Latin pop star.--Eds.] Bill Cosby visited the Jell-O museum. Normally this would get the Oh, Really? honors, but I thought I'd go ahead and tell Bill to Go Take a Nap! Jell-O is disgusting, especially when your gramma puts shredded carrots in the lime flavor. And you know it's horse hooves, right? And finally, Britney Spears has her own scent now. It will be called "Curious". And she's also got a scented whipped body cream coming to market, as well as something called a "solid shimmer stick". [We're not sure what a solid shimmer stick is, but we think the ladies will like it.--Eds.] Britney, Go Take a Nap! We don't want you to give us scented whipped body cream, we want you to make pr0n! |
| June
7, 2004--Now Reagan will finally get to do some trickling down of his own.
Britney Spears got the "Arright" from China to tour and sing and dance. But the wily Chinee have something to say about it. Britney must get her outfits approved by The Wily Chinamen Culture Ministry before she can go onstage. Wily Chinamen Culture Ministry, Go Take a Nap! Are you worried you'll see a Western boob? A nipple shield? Ass? Belly button? Are you worried that people will revolt in Tiananmen Square again, forcing you to kill them all with tanks, if they see a butt cheek? Or are you going to pull a fast one on us all and insist that Britney perform nekkid? [You never can trust the Chinese.-Eds.] Linda Ronstadt thinks today's music industry places too much emphasis on sex appeal and not enough emphasis on talent. Hmm. Linda, Go Take a Nap! Clay Aiken is an ugly mofo and he's a valued talent. And just look at the heights that John Tesh has been reaching! Daniel Radcliffe, aka Harry Potter, wants to parlay his Mark Hamill-like luck into playing guitar in a band. You go Daniel! You Go Take a Nap! I'll add you to the list of actors who think that by starring in a movie they can just about do whatever they want. Let me guess you'll be wanting to join Ewan McGregor on his motorcycle tour of the world and film the whole thing. Or maybe he'll be a good childhood star and get strung out on cocaine and alcohol. And speaking of cocaine, Paul McCartney admitted this week to having tried heroin, but preferring cocaine. He did cocaine for about a year and tempered it with marihuana. Paul, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you temper cocaine highs with snifters of Cognac. [Cognac or some Johnnie Walker Blue.--Eds.] Finally, Janet Jackson claimed she has a "sexual mind" and that her first crush was on Barry Manilow. Janet, Go Take a Nap! If your first crush was Barry Manilow, you've got a fetish for large noses and bad music, not a sexual mind. |
|
May 31, 2004--I heard Achilles has a TENDONcy to be a real HEEL.
Madonna cancelled her Israeli tour because terrorists threatened to kill her. She was "freaked out" that they named her kids in the threat letters. Madonna, Go Take a Nap! When you let the terrorists make you afraid, they win the war on terror! How will we ever win if our celebrities are afraid to perform? Daniel Radcliffe, aka Harry Potter, aka a kid who will much like Mark Hamill be known only as one character for his whole career, suspects ole J.K. Rowling will kill off Harry in the final book. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! Are you freaking nuts? If J.K. kills off Harry, she won't be able to write any more sequels in case she needs to make some extra bux now and then. And no one will be able to write any more Harry Potter erotica fan fiction, either. That is, unless you're into necrophilic Harry Potter erotica fan fiction. Two stewardesses independently claimed that Michael Jackson requested alcohol to be served in Coke cans so he could get some kids drunk with him on the plane. A security guard at Neverland also said he saw kids stumbling around drunk. Now is that so wrong? I mean, just because a Jacko gets kids trashed doesn't mean he pokes 'em in the poohole all night, does it? Er. [That's exactly what it means.--Eds.] And finally, the Pope is concerned about the American Going Public's "soulless vision of life". Pope, Go Take a Nap! Just because we're fat, watch TV all day, and blow the hell out of people via remote control laser bombs doesn't mean we have a soulless vision of life. It just means that we're soulless. |
|
May 24, 2004--Don't tell 'em I told you, but your government hates you.
Congratulations to Michael Moore, whose Fahrenheit 9/11 won the Palme d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival. I have several jokes I want to work in here that are going to be hard to unify in some sort of witty stream of consciousness, so bear with me. My
first joke was going to be to refer to the
Palme d'Or
as the "Palmy Door"
and try to make that funny somehow. But, as you can see, I couldn't make any of these jokes work properly. Jack Jackson, Go Take a Nap! And for this week's
Oh, Really?
from CNN.com: |
|
May 17, 2004--Porn pays.
Congress investigated regulating cigarette smoking characters in movies this week. The idea? That teens see actors smoking and that they want to smoke, too. Congress, Go Take a Nap! Teens take up smoking because it tastes good! And if Congress wants to regulate the content of movies, why didn't they do anything to stop the production of Ernest Scared Stupid? Or how about raising taxes to get Jack Valenti a new hairpiece?
CBS aired a "new" episode of the Dick Van Dyke Show this week. Who at CBS greenlighted this great idea? I want them to know they're fired. We need more reality TV, dammit! Paul McCartney, practicing in London's Millennium Dome, was playing so loudly that a nearby bloke living in nearby flats called the bobby patrol because he couldn't leave his windows open to let his cat out. This is right up there with the Perfect Strangers episode where Balky lost his hat. But c'mon, Paul, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows that when you're practicing, you're supposed to either rent out a big storage space on the outskirts of town or muffle the windows of a basement with mattresses. Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth to a baby girl and named it Apple. Isn't that cute? I heard her next offspring will be named Orange. How will we ever be able to compare the two? Dee Law, a 40-something homemaker and diehard fan of American Idol, is upset that she can't get through on her telephone to vote. The voting process favors text messaging, speed dialers, and maybe even hackers. No news yet on whether Dee has gotten a life. Sylvester Stallone is suing MGM because they're keeping him from making Rocky VI and also from turning the Rocky franchise into Broadway shows. Normally I root against the corporations in these-type lawsuits, but here, I think I'll use my speed dialer and vote for MGM. And in
this week's Oh, Really?
from the Grand Forks Herald
in Grand Forks, ND: |
|
May 10, 2004--Time to get some flavor pops and put them in the freezer.
Christopher Reeve will direct a movie about a quadriplegic woman who, after an accident, goes on in life to do great things, based on a true story. Christopher, Go Take a Nap! I don't want you setting an example for other disabled celebrities who want to pimp their gimp lifestyles and try to make everyone feel good about something no one wants to experience. Next thing you know, the drummer from Def Leppard will direct a movie about a drummer with one arm who overcomes his disability and drums in a famous rock band, Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles will direct a movie about two blind black men who become musicians, Marlee Matlin will play a deaf woman in a movie, and Britney Spears will direct a movie about a Mickey Mouse Club teen with severe Strabismus Vergens but still makes it big as a crossover actress/pop star. Terry Gilliam, the director of Monty Python's Life of Brian, admitted the comedy troupe is re-releasing the film to theatres on its 25th anniversary this year for the sole purpose of making money. Terry, Go Take a Nap! If you really want to make more money, look at George Lucas, who re-releases his movies about thirty times in different formats and with different bonus features. I'm still waiting for the real director's cut of Star Wars where ET tells Luke that his pants are unbuttoned in the Cantina and then when Luke looks down, ET flips Luke's nose with his creepy lit-up finger. Disney owns Miramax, and Miramax was scheduled to distribute Fahrenheit 9/11, Oscar-winner Michael Moore's latest film which recounts the tale of the financial links between Saudi Arabia's royal family and the Bush family and how the war in the Middle East has been created to serve their personal goals. But Disney now has put a halt on the distribution of the film, claiming that the Disney brand shouldn't be associated with such a film. No doubt Pat Boone is ecstatic, since he was the one who recently said, "I don't think censorship is a bad word, but it has become a bad word because everybody associates it with some kind of restriction on liberty." And all you lawyers out there who are already typing away to me that Disney is a private actor and the First Amendment only applies to government action or state action, Go Take a Nap! It's censorship no matter who does it, and if the movie tells the truth, why be afraid? If the movie is full of lies, I'm sure the liberal media will point them out to us. David Letterman planned to tape this week's Friday show at 4am that day, and as far as we know, he did. I'm guessing he Went and Took a Nap after that one! And as an example to prove that Americans still have a soul and that they can affect the way corporations act, the Spiderman 2 bases will not appear at a major league ballpark. Way to go, American Going Public! Bitching still works!
|
|
May 3, 2004--Food is just a vehicle to get salt into your body.
7th Heaven actor Jeremy London, who plays a pastor on the show of all things was caught with marihuana and yelling at his girlfriend. Jeremy, Go Take a Nap! That's the last thing a pastor should be doing. They should be drinking scotch and having sex with little boys. [Jack Jackson apparently has pastors confused with Catholic priests.--Eds.] The Olsen Twins and Acclaim Entertainment, a video game company, are on the outs. The Olsen Twins are upset that the videogames haven't been produced, and their breach of contract lawsuit claims that Acclaim "blatantly abandoned the Mary-Kate and Ashley line and has taken the franchise of the Mary-Kate and Ashley brand in videogames and has now run it into the ground." Acclaim, Go Take a Nap! How could you do that to two innocent young girls and their franchise brand in video games?!?!?! How outrageous! Preposterous! I hope you lose your lawsuit, Acclaim, and that'll teach you to stop being so mean to poor, defenseless, and helpless teenage girls. Especially two teenage girls that just got their stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame! Uri Geller, the half-assed celebrity psychic who has become famous for bitching in public and bending spoons with his mind in private (David Blaine, look out!), is "outraged and angry" that ABC will air a "reality" show about five couples competing to adopt a baby. The twist? The baby is actually poor, doesn't have any money or trust fund, will become retarded, addicted to cocaine, will need plastic surgery to repair its cleft palate, is ugly, and is allergic to everything! Get it? Just kidding. The baby is actually a billionaire and has it's own "reality" TV show called "Spank Me" on SpikeTV. Christina Aguilera called off her tour because "she has strained her vocal cords." Is it just me, or does strained vocal cords sound anything like "addicted to bad hair and pain killers"? Regardless of whether her claims are true or not, Christina, Go Take a Nap! I had backstage passes for every damn show! Martha Stewart earned a $500K bonus last year because when you break the law as a corporate CEO, you get rewarded! Way to go, Martha! Mussolini would be proud. [Mussolini wrote a book on fascism suggesting that it should be better known as "corporatism".--Eds.] Jessica Simpson has been busy pimping an entire line of "beauty products" under the trade name "Dessert". But these so-called beauty products sound a little bit more like something you'd get from the Hispanic man pushing the ding-a-ling cart: Belly Button Love Potion, Hot Body Topping, and Whipped Body Cream with Candy Sprinkles. Her largest fan base is comprised of 12-14-year-old girls. I'm guessing her second largest fan base would have to be the Catholic priests and Michael Jackson. [The string of logic required to make this last statement funny includes assuming: A) Michael Jackson and Catholic priests are pedophiles; B) Michael Jackson and Catholic priests want 12-14-year-old girls to put Belly Button Love Potion on their bodies; C) 12-14-year-old girls can afford the $30-$40 price tags of the "Dessert" line; and D) They would take the "Dessert" line items either to Neverland Ranch or to church and use them on either Michael Jackson or Catholic priests, respectively.--Eds.] And in
this week's edition of Oh,
Really? from the
Independent Online of South Africa: |
|
April 26, 2004--Of the people, by the people, and for the people.
We're the people people.
Brad Pitt's glad he quit smoking to train for the upcoming multimillion dollar epic travesty called Troy (how can you recreate the Iliad without the gods?). Millions of teenager men everywhere, in an effort to emulate their onscreen hero, will quit smoking, too. Brad was originally upset that he'd quit smoking because he missed the cigarettes. Brad, Go Take a Nap! Smoking is bad for you and it puts profits into the pockets of corporations that became rich on slave labor. And here's some advice to smokers: go to a riverboat casino and look at all the blue hairs with emphysema tanks. That's going to be you someday, provided you stop smoking before your lung capacity hits below 2%. Jamal "Shyne" Barrow signed a $3million contract with Island Def Jam Music Group. The twist? He's IN JAIL for a shooting melee in NYC! Whadda country! Next thing you know, a foreign-born actor will become governor of California and a monkey-movie actor will become president! A professional wrestler will become a governor, the guy who played Gopher on Love Boat will become a representative...OK. You get the idea. Pat Boone says censorship is good for the arts. "I don't think censorship is a bad word, but it has become a bad word because everybody associates it with some kind of restriction on liberty," he said. Um... Let's look at that one again: "I don't think censorship is a bad word, but it has become a bad word because everybody associates it with some kind of restriction on liberty." Pat, Go Take a Nap! Do you know that censorship IS some kind of a restriction on liberty? Or did you get taken out of context? I think what you meant to say was this, "Censorship is a bad word because it means a restriction on liberty." That's what you meant, right? And a piece of career advice: no more leather pants and covers of metal songs. You suck in your own genre, so don't go crossing over on us, please. And in
this week's edition of Oh,
Really?... |
|
April 19, 2004--Thank God for casseroles. What else would we do with
cream of mushroom soup?
Some loser who lost on The Apprentice is trying to trump Trump by getting to the USPTO first and register "You're fired!" so she can pimp the phrase on her clothing line. Trump and loser, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows that "You're fired!" is such a generic phrase that the USPTO is highly unlikely to grant federal registration to anyone ever. Learn more here: http://www.ipwatchdog.com/trademark.html. And by the way, none of you better dare think about making ANYTHING with the phrase Go Take a Nap! on it, or I'll sue your pants off so fast that you'll think I'm a trademark attorney for McDonalds. Ewan McGregor, best known now as the dude who plays young Obi-Wan, will go on a global motorcycle trip. And can you believe this? He's going to document it on film! It must be nice to be an actor. If you want to overinflate your already bloated ego, just drive around and film it, and then see if people will pay to see it. Ewan, Go Take a Nap! Nobody wants to see your dumbass attempt to reclaim your youth. Just go watch Easy Rider a few more times and while you do, please don't document that on film. And stop singing. Er. Wait. I'd love to see you sing a story to Yoda at Cantina Karaoke. Billy Crystal is now a children's author. He wrote a book as a "love poem" to his granddaughter. Next he'll ride a motorcycle across the globe and sing about it. And if we're really, really, really lucky, he'll document the whole thing. That reminds me. I just wrote a love poem to my most recent offspring, and it goes like this: I
wasn't sure, maybe When did "whiskey dick" start being called "erectile dysfunction"? [We apologize for Jack Jackson's latest blue humor. He's been drinking again.--Eds.] And Mel Gibson wants his paean to violence to hit TV unedited. I have not yet seen the movie, but I just know the CBS censors (at the bidding of the FCC thought police/Gestapo) will have to change every "Jesus Christ" line to "Cheese and Rice". And the whole time Jesus gets beat will have to be edited out and we'll only see him on the cross, fully clothed in a tasteful business suit, for about one second, whereupon he'll be touched by an angel played by Dick Van Dike. |
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April 12, 2004--How
many Cadbury Eggs did you eat yesterday? Marshmallow Peeps?
Hundreds of hippies everywhere cringed this week to learn that Bob Dylan sold out to pimp the Victoria's Secret lingerie line in TV ads. I don't know who got the worse deal. Bob Dylan is now a total sellout and Victoria's Secret got a front man no one can understand. The times are certainly a-changin', but Bob, Go Take a Nap! Why didn't you become a sellout for something cool, like Disney or Viagra? In a shocking incident that proves the mass media has a profoundly negative influence on society, "Weird Al" Yankovic's parents took to heart too literally the advice of their son's albums and Dared to be Stupid in lighting a fire in their San Diego home's fireplace, failing to ventilate the house, and dying from carbon monoxide poisoning. "Weird Al's" parents, Go Take a Nap! Er, well, they're already dead. But if you were still alive, I'd tell you not to take album titles so seriously, and what in the hell were you doing lighting a fire in San Diego? First, I didn't think houses in San Diego even had fireplaces, but even if yours did, it's freakin' 72 degrees and sunny there everyday! That's why people move to San Diego: to not have to light fires anymore. Ashley Revell, a 32-year-old Limey, bet his life's worth on red at a Las Vegas casino this week and won. But he did it for TV, a show called "Double or Nothing" and a lot of people watched and they sold some advertisements, so it was OK. I can only hope that next will be people needing kidney transplants gambling their one good kidney in hopes of getting another. And as seen on CNN.com this week: "Study finds frequent sex may cut health risks". Oh, Really? |
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April 5, 2004--There
is only one proper way to load toilet paper onto a toilet paper holder.
To learn, send $5 to the Jack Jackson Ministries of Truth, Love, Peace,
and Understanding.
Can you not watch TV from April 19-25th? Try it out. It's TV-Turnoff Week! Here's a few other things to try during that week: don't listen to the radio, don't read the papers, don't go to church, and don't go to work. Stop drinking, smoking, and doing drugs. No sex, no masturbation, and no greasy foods. Then, on April 26th, turn on the TV and the radio while you read a newspaper about religion while using the Internet to work from home. Then, find some online pornography while drinking whiskey, whackoff onto some intangible object, hookup with some stranger on an Internet chat room, drive to their house but on the way hit McDonald's up for a cheeseburger. Wash, rinse, repeat. And in a commentarian double-dip, CNN.com has reported "Osbournes: Kelly in Drug Rehab". Oh, Really? Kelly, Go Take a Nap! It is so cliched [hackneyed--Eds.] for a daughter of a rock star to do drugs to the point of intervention. And don't tell me you're going to become straight-edge after two weeks of brainwashing and abstinence. Prescription pain killers are good, they'll always be good, and they sure as hell beat paint huffing. Tigger at Walt Disney World allegedly fondled the breasts of a 13-year-old girl and her mother while posing with them for a saved-fun photograph. Tigger, Go Take a Nap! Just because it's picture time doesn't mean you can start going to town on the guests. And when did Winnie the Pooh characters become Disney characters? I demand a recall/recount/initiative/referendum. And finally this week, Peter Ustinov, Oscar winner for his role as Lentulus Batiatus in Spartacus was buried. Peter, Go Take a Dirt Nap! |
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March 29, 2004--How do your brackets look?
MK2, a French independent theater group, decided not to run Mel Gibson's Passion because it represented fascism. How? The repeated and brutal violence to the body of Christ represents, in his mind, a "whole internationale of religious fundamentalism, a martyrology based on violence, contempt for the body and hatred for the human element." While I don't know exactly what an internationale is, MK2, Go Take a Nap! Just because someone gets beaten repeatedly in a violent way doesn't make a movie fascist. You've got to add in a few attack helicopters, some laser-guided missiles, some sort of covert ops with night goggles, and some carpet bombing of civilians before I'll call any movie fascist. Kevin Smith, the overrated director known for his works Dogma and Clerks, wanted to direct a movie starring Michael Jackson as a man that turns into a car. The plot? A boy rides around in him. [Jack Jackson spent the next 3,000 words writing monologue-style jokes about this item, and we had to cut a few here and there.--Eds.] Kevin Smith, Go Take a Nap! First of all, you keep hiring my movie nemesis, Ben Affleck, to be in all of your movies, and second of all, they generally suck hard. Although I do like the character of Jay because he swears all the time, and boy, does that get funny after an entire movie! Thank God for small miracles. The Real World made its peace with the unions of Philadelphia, and we can now get on with our lives. Er. We can get on with taping other people's lives so we can live vicariously through them because somehow, watching college kids get drunk and have sex all the time and then fight all the time at the same time is somehow infatuating. And thank God for DVR, which now allows me to press about two buttons and then the entire series is recorded, so I can spend time watching other TV while the Real World is taping. This week, Nielsen noted that reality TV dominated the ratings. OK, beef number one: American Idol is NOT reality TV. If you're filming TV in an auditorium with a huge audience, that's no longer any more real than Star Search, Puttin' on the Hits, Solid Gold, Real People, or That's Incredible! Beef number two: Survivor is NOT reality TV. If you think it's not scripted, you're an idiot. And if there's anything real about what they're doing, I'd like someone to explain in detail. Beef number three: The Apprentice is NOT reality TV. Just look at The Donald's hair. Nothing real about that. My point? This week's Nielsen ratings were not dominated by reality TV, but in fact, by complete-and-utter-lie TV. In the real fascism alert of the week, Senator Patrick Leahy (D) and Senator Orrin Hatch (R), introduced the Protecting Intellectual Rights Against Theft and Expropriate Act (PIRATE) this week. That's right, your senators are trying to criminalize conduct that a large number of Americans are engaging in, because of advances in technology and the freedom of the Internet. Orrin wants you to go to jail if you so much as download one file that has worth in excess of $10,000. Orrin is worried that children are learning to infringe copyrights and that is so wrong because it hurts the chance that artists will want to produce creative works. How about the idea that creative works are built upon what went before them? Or that copyright law didn't exist when Shakespeare wrote, and he seemed to enjoy writing enough to produce his plays. Or what about the apostles? They didn't seem to care too much that their work wasn't copyrighted. But do you think, if Napster and Kazaa existed at the time, they'd be worried that college kids were downloading their writings without paying the appropriate royalty? If you live in Vermont, where Leahy is, or Utah where Hatch holds sway, maybe you should do something bold and vote them out of office, because they truly are fascists and do not represent their constituents. Or maybe you like the ideal of going to jail for using the modern tools of the digital age. It now costs $49.75 to get into Disneyland and $54.75 to enter Disney World. Do you see the link to Leahy and Hatch? I'll show it to you. You take your kids to those crappy movies, buy all the crap to go with it like the DVD, the slippers, the underwear, the lunch box, the coloring book, the clothes, the hats, the sunglasses, the cereals, the video games, the soundtracks, the value meals, and then you spend even more money to visit a place that only cares about taking more of your money. Then, all of this money goes to an evil corporation that doesn't care about America or its citizens, lobbies Leahy and Hatch to make doing anything to their bottom line a crime, and you go to jail. America, Go Take a Nap! When will you stop paying to be oppressed? And in a new segment this week, I bring you: Oh, Really? Headlines! As seen on CNN.com this week: "AIDS dents world population growth." Oh, Really? |
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March 22, 2004--What did Al-Qaeda know and when did it know it?
The Simple Life is returning. This time Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie will take a 30-day road trip without money, credit cards, or cell phones. Oddly enough, a huge Fox camera crew will be there, though, so I bet they won't have too much trouble finding some gas and a place to sleep. More interestingly, Paris is recording a CD and has some acting gigs lined up. I'm guessing she'll be starring in a few art films, but I don't have any inside scoop. But Paris, Go Take a Nap! You're rich and you don't need the extra money from reality TV and movies. You should spend more time filming yourself have sex and distributing it on the Internet. It's already happened once, so what's the shame doing it again? The Real World Philadelphia never quite got off the ground because MTV decided to use non-union labor for their TV crew. That's fine with me. It doesn't matter what city you film that show in, or whether you use union labor. What matters is that the seven cast members must be all attractive young alcoholics who grow to hate each other over time. And why does MTV make them all get a job at the same place? If they want the real Real World, MTV would give them just enough money to eat ramen and macaroni and still afford 30-packs of Old Style each day. That's right, gut aches and the beer shits all the way! [Jack Jackson's sense of reality is not necessarily that shared by the editors of this page.--Eds.] Donald Trump, the latest hack to sellout to reality TV, is trying to register a trademark "You're fired!" at the USPTO. The Donald, Go Take a Nap! You can't go around getting trademarks in such common expressions, but if the USPTO does grant you a registration, I suggest you also try to register "bad hair day," "megalomaniac," and "asshole" as well. And Paul Reubens, the actor best known as the waiter in the fancy restaurant in The Blues Brothers, got off on child porn charges. Er. Let's rephrase that one. Paul Reubens pled guilty of possessing obscenity and the child porn charge got dropped. I sure hope Paul doesn't ever end up in jail, because I hear child porn possessors get to share cells with larger men who like to have their own pee-wee adventures. [We think this is indecent and we should be fined by the FCC.--Eds.] |
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March 15,
2004--High in fat but low in carbs.
Sorry, Sex and the City fans. There will be no movie because they ended the series just the way they wanted it. Sex and the City producers, Go Take a Nap! I was really looking forward to a whole series of movies. Just think of it. The first half-hour, they have sex with their boyfriends, the second half-hour they bitch about how bad the sex was, then the third half-hour they go to a trendy Manhattan club to drink cosmopolitans. It'd be just like the TV show, only longer! Let me write the screenplays, please? But how am I going to work Snoop Dogg, Owen Wilson, and Ben Stiller into the new script? Some teetotalers are trying to make cigarette smoking equal to swearing in movies, which would tend to give movies featuring heavy cigarette smoking R ratings. An exception would be made for movies about Winston Churchill, however, if moviemakers wanted to show him smoking a cigar. Teetotalers, Go Take a Nap! Children see people smoking all the time whenever they walk in front of the state office buildings across the country. In fact, there's a smoking midget in front of mine and I keep reminding him that smoking will stunt his growth. The Fat Albert live action movie has been cast. Did you catch that? LIVE ACTION Fat Albert! Honey, get the station wagon revved up, because it's family night at the movies! I'll buy popcorn for the kids, and a diet soda for you, some Goobers we can all share, and then I'll pre-order the DVD off of Amazon, and make sure the kids get the Playstation 2 game, the GameBoy Advance game, and the matching underwear and shoes. We'll be the Fat Albert LIVE ACTION family (until they make a live action Aqua Teen Hunger Force). Like a large turd in shallow toilet, Menudo is coming back. "Turd" isn't in Micro$oft's spell chekcer. One of the leading phrases of this very young year is "wardrobe malfunction". I'm guessing "Janet Jackson's tit" is number two, followed by "nipple shield", and then "prudish right-wing Christians trying to control your thoughts", but I could be wrong. And to give credit where credit is due, Jerry Lewis lost 58 pounds since his ballooning at the MDA Telethon. He said he felt like he "imposed" on the American-going public when he was huge on live TV. Yup, you sure did, Jerry. Next time you're that big on TV, cover yourself up with some nipple shields, for God's sake. |
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March 8,
2004--South Padre or Corpus Christi?
The tickets to Mel Gibson's Passion in Rome, Georgia all had the prefix 666 on their numbers. Some thought it was odd, others viewed it as inappropriate. The theater's manager blamed it on their computer. Rome, Georgia, Go Take a Nap! You need to accept the fact that it was Satan himself who put 666 on each and every ticket. He's also the person who will make the government tattoo all of your children on the forehead with the 666. He was also governor of Texas at one point, I believe. Justin Timberlake will portray a snooping reporter who uncovers a corrupt police department in an upcoming movie called "Edison". OK, first of all, every police department is corrupt, so his job shouldn't be too hard. Second of all, Justin would be much better as a snooping pop star who uncovers female pop stars breasts. In other words, it would be less of a stretch for The Lake to be a pop star who tears off another pop star's clothing, in order to reveal her breast to the entire world at the Super Bowl. More succinctly, Justin Timberlake showed us Janet Jackson's breast. And now Satan controls the world, so what does it matter if your children saw her boob? Microwave popcorn eating movie watchers beware! A factory which makes that fake buttery oil that you flavors your popcorn [also can be used as brake fluid--Eds.] is being sued because the fumes allegedly caused a worker to contract a disease known as "popcorn packers' lung" or bronchiolitis obliterans [Italian for "where'd by bronchiolitis go?"--Eds.]. Popcorn packers' lung is only second to circus peanut eaters' spleen in deadliness. So, factory, Go Take a Nap! Take better care of your workers. And if it causes them lung disease, what the hell is it doing to us regular types? The new Batman movie is under production. To lure fans back after that disaster that was the last film, the cast has been bloated with all manner of celebrity. Christian Bale as Batman, Michael Caine as Alfred, Gary Oldman as Cmmr.-to-be Lt. Gordon, Katie Holmes as Batman's childhood friend, Liam Neeson as Batman's mentor, Morgan Freeman as some guy, and Ken Watanabe as some other guy. Rumors are abound that there also may be: Burgess Meredith as the Penguin, Liberace as Chandell, Eartha Kitt as Black Catwoman, Vincent Price as Egghead, Roddy McDowall as the Bookworm, ET as himself, Cesar Romero as Jack Nicholson, Victor Buono as King Tut, Hal Linden as Barney Miller, Gene Rayburn as the Match Game Host, and Mel Gibson's father as Hitler. And Martha Stewart is a felon! Take that, anonymous reader! [See http://regula1.nebraska.edu/gtanletters.htm --Eds.] |
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March 1,
2004--Don't forget to eat some bananas to get your potassium.
A Wichita woman in her 50s died during a climactic crucifixion scene in Mel Gibson's Passion. Every now and then, I like to do some public service announcements, and here's one: it's just a MOVIE! It's not real! And that wasn't even the most climactic scene of the film, from what I hear. The biggest moment came when ET pulled down Jesus' robe and exposed one of his breasts. Rosie O'Donnell married her longtime girlfriend in San Francisco this week. Rosie, Go Take a Nap! No doubt the holy veil that drapes our country and protects us from terrorists has just been rent into tattered pieces. And it's not just terrorists that were kept at bay by that protective veil. No doubt an invasion by the wily Chinee will be soon, and then the UN tanks will create the New World Order, and then the gay hordes will invade behind, and it's all because you got gay married, Rosie. Did I mention you caused the budget shortfall in California, too? None of this would've happened if all the gay people in the world would've just stayed home and had hot gay sex all day long. Rush Limbaugh said the first intelligent thing he's ever said. He said he was afraid of how the FCC is trying to control freedom of speech by assessing fines for indecency for broadcast radio, specifically in relation to Howard Stern. I personally believe he just wants to see more breasts on TV. But you know what Rush is really worried about, of course. He's worried that when he criticizes Bush for not being a real Republican, but actually a fascist (see Mussolini's definition of fascism as the merger of the corporation with the state) for increasing government spending for the benefit of his friends while cutting taxes for the rich, that he'll be investigated by the FCC. Yes, the thought police are watching you, so you better become a right-thinking person or else they'll make you a right-thinking person. A right-thinking person goes to work from 8-5 in a corporate office building, talks about Survivor and American Idol, and NASCAR at the water cooler, then goes home, watches Survivor, and American Idol, and NASCAR, and then on the weekends buys a bunch of shit at Wal-Mart. And the FCC is going to investigate whether it should start censoring cable and satellite services, too. Good-bye Queer Eye. Good-bye poker tournaments. Good-bye Sopranos. Yes, all that will be left will be Touched by an Angel, Diagnosis Murder, 7th Heaven, the 700 Club, and Fox News. What do I care? I never watch TV anymore, anyway. You should stop, too. Normally I don't do sports, but the famous Bartman baseball was blown up at Harry Caray's restaurant in Chicago. I'm all for blowing things up. But Chicago Cub fans need to Go Take a Nap! Your little fun explosion may make you feel better, but at the end of the day, you must accept that you'll never win another World Series again. Loveable losers? Hardly. Simply losers. And speaking of Wal-Mart, Michael Jackson shopped there this week in a ski mask. Michael, Go Take a Nap! It's not cold in Wal-Mart! It's kept at a very nice temperature. |
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February 23,
2004--Write your Congressman, and tell him to leave you alone.
Randy Jackson of American Idol fame says that the music industry is in the toilet. Randy, Go Take a Nap! Why, the music industry is nearing a newly found pinnacle of height! For example, the RIAA is suing its own customers. And the broad and diverse offerings in the pop/rock section could not be at a higher level. For example, I bet you never thought that you could buy a tape at the tape store of your favorite American Idol singers. Go to the tape store! There's all kinds of American Idol tapes to listen to today! The WB cancelled Angel. I had no idea that it was still on. For those of you who missed it, "Angel stars David Boreanaz as an 18th-century monster living in Los Angeles in the present day as he tries to redeem his past evil deeds." How about this for an idea for a TV show: "Demon stars Jack Jackson as a 14th-century angel living in 21st-century San Diego as a 23rd-century everyman trying to shit in every public toilet that he can." The Christian Publications Bookstore in Manhattan is selling replicas of the nails used to crucify Christ (how do they know what they looked like?), as licensed tie-ins with Mel Gibson's Passion. I think that's TACKY (get the pun?). But seriously, Christian Publications Bookstore, Go Take a Nap! Whatever happened to functional movie merchandise, like the goblets from Lord of the Rings that light up? What the hell am I going to do with four pewter nails at $16.99 per pop? Oh, that's right. I'm going to use them to hang my picture of Jesus nailed to the cross as a permanent reminder that I'll buy anything that the mass media tells me to. California governor Arnold Schwarzenneger has stated that California will face "Armageddon" cuts if the state doesn't pass a $15 billion bailout bond. Arnold, Go Take a Nap! Do you really think that passing a bond to cover budget shortfalls is any different from raising taxes? I thought you were dedicated to blowing the boxes of government up instead of raising taxes? Or was that one of your True Lies? And why don't you lead the way with an Armageddon cut of your own, such as donating your salary and pension to the local Sacramento soup kitchens? I think California just may have gotten a Raw Deal from this Austrian-born Running Man whose End of Days as governor may come quicker than a Red Sonja in heat. And if you Arnold-lovers aren't happy with him as only governor, Orrin Hatch is proposing a Constitutional amendment to allow foreign-born citizens to become president of the United States of America. That's a good idea. We can vote all of our favorite foreigners as president. Let's see, Balky from Perfect Strangers vs. Henry Kissinger vs. William Shatner would be a good election year. |
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February 16,
2004--They use shit for manure in third-world countries.
Unfortunately, there were no noteworthy celebrity foibles this week, and thus no reason to write Go Take a Nap! Apologies in advance, but I invite you to peruse the archives. |
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February 9,
2004--I'll get myself naked by the end of this column.
This'll be one of those rare topical weeks when I spend the entire time
discussing what
YOU,
American Going Public,
want to talk about instead of what I want to talk about. That
discussion topic is none other than
Janet Jackson's
breast.
My opinion is that it's a fine
breast,
worthy of some attention, not quite as much attention as it's receiving,
but some attention, nonetheless. Can anyone confirm that it's not
a pasty but a nipple ring and then a decorative star around the areola?
Did you think I could intelligently use the word "areola" in a sentence?
Did you know that it's just as illegal to show your
breast
in public as it is to show a clothed, yet "visibly turgid penis" in many
U.S.
cities? Did you
know there's an exception for showing your breast in public if you happen
to be breast
feeding, but not if your visibly turgid penis is feeding someone? Did you
realize that while Janet
Jackson's
breast
was destroying the healthy family relationships and healthy mental health
of our nation's children, that it was
Justin Timberlake
that tore her clothes off? Was it bad that we saw her
breast?
Or was it worse that he tore her clothes off and seemed to suggest that if
you can't get a woman to have sex with you, at least you should, by the
end of a song, tear something off of her so we can see her
breasts? Did you
let your children hear the commercial discussing a
four-hour erection?
Wouldn't that be illegal in many cities (provided that it were visible,
even through your clothes)? Would you be willing to face a criminal
fine in order to achieve a four-hour erection? Would you explain to
your children why you had a visibly turgid penis for four hours?
Would you tell them why you went to the doctor? And that it all
started when you did what a TV
ad told you to do? And would you request that
CBS
ban all further advertisements for medicines that could potentially cause
four-hour long erections, since they pose just as much threat to our
children as bare breasts (provided that the bare breast is not feeding
someone)?
American Going Public,
Go Take a Nap!
Your children woke up the next day being good little boys and girls, and
if the appearance of one breast,
albeit literally sprung on them turned them into either homicidal maniacs
at the worst or "breast people"
at best, I think we should all give up now and let the wily
Chinee
army invade us because we would have lost our basic common sense as human
beings and it would be evidence that our actions and thoughts are
|
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February 2,
2004--I don't like watching Super Bowl commercials.
Dennis Miller will have his own show now, and he's said he won't criticize President Bush. He also said, "Nine-11 changed me. I'm shocked that it didn't change the whole country, frankly." Dennis, Go Take a Nap! You're starting to sound like Britney Spears, and maybe you should look around and read the news if you're going to host a television show. This country has changed forever. Have you heard of a little piece of legislation called The PATRIOT Act? It seems to have changed this country quite a bit. We have the entire populace terrified of terrorists and we're paying for "security" with money we don't have. Your OnStar system is spying on you, violating your privacy, and you're paying for it. And about not criticizing Bush: if you're as conservative as you say you are, why not be critical a president whose economic policies more closely resemble Stalin's more than Herbert Hoover's? Michael Jackson calls red wine "Jesus Blood" and white wine "Jesus Juice". He drinks it from Pepsi cans to hide his alcohol consumption. He gave one of his special cans to a 13-year-old cancer patient. Jacko, Go Take a Nap! If I get cancer and you come to cheer me up, that can of Pepsi better be full of warm, straight Old Granddad Whiskey. Some thieves stole Yoda. No, not THE Yoda that can kick your ass, but a fake Yoda, a bronzed version. How this made national news, I'm not sure. What I really want to know is why a national Amber Alert hasn't issued, or at least raising the terror alert level. Cathy Guisewhite, only known as the sadist who punishes the American Going Public each day with the lame foibles of a semi-autobiographical comic strip loser named, oddly enough, Cathy, has intimated that she may very well have her eponymous heroine get married. That reminds me. I'm getting married, too. I'm marrying my ass. Do you want to kiss the bride? Sophia Coppola can't believe she was nominated as for a Best Director Oscar for Lost in Translation. Sophia, Go Take a Nap! Do you know who your father is? You know, the guy who made the Godfather movies? That just might have something to do with it. And God knows you'd never have been in movie industry if it weren't for your father's coattails. And as of this hitting the press, I have no idea who the CBS Super Bowl Halftime Show mystery guest is, but the odds on favorite is none other than ET. [It turns out that ET could not fulfill his obligation due to previous commitments to MTV's halftime show. ET was kindly replaced as the mystery guest by one breast of Janet Jackson.--Eds.]
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| January
26,
2004--The pictures of Mars look about right to me.
O, tragedy! Jennifer Lopez has split with Ben Affleck, my current movie nemesis. What will we ever do? I mean, if you couldn't count on Michael Jackson or Britney Spears for a good laugh each week, you could always count on Bennifer. So, J-Lo, Go Take a Nap! Get back with Ben (my current movie nemesis), film Gigli Two: Electric Boogaloo, and gimme some more material to work with! Johnny Rotten (John Lydon) will have his own reality TV show. John, Go Take a Nap! This goes to prove my theory that he really wasn't all that punk, after all. I mean, how punk do you have to be to make fun of the British royal family with spiky orange hair and leather pants? Anyone can do that these days. In a strange sort of way, I'd like to consider myself a punk rocker. After all, I make fun of the British royal family all the time. I may not have orange hair or leather pants, but I have a pants-wearing monkey with orange hair, and he sits on whoopee cushions on command whenever I say, "Let's call the Franklin Mint and order some commemorative Princess Diana china." That, my friends, makes me punker than Ashton Kutcher getting Punk'd by his own petard. And can we just hand Peter Jackson one of every goddamned statue already and get it over with? |
| January
19,
2004--Seriously, will anyone please give me some free checking?
Psychic Uri Geller put Michael Jackson under hypnosis, and guess what? Hypno-Jacko said he never abused any children. That should be enough to acquit him. Er. Uri, Go Take a Nap! We can get anyone to say anything under hypnosis. Why, just the other day, while we were shoving hot pokers up hypnotized Saddam Hussein's ass, he said that the weapons of mass destruction were still up his ass somewhere. Spalding Gray, most famous for his brief role in David Byrne's True Stories, is missing. His family thinks he got depressed working on a very serious new dramatic work and took a suicidal header off the Staten Island Ferry. Spalding, Go Take a Water Nap! I hope you find what you're looking for. And let me remind you that if you're planning on swimming to Cambodia, you've got quite a way to go. Next time, take the Cambodia Island Ferry. Britney Spears can't believe the media attention she got for getting married and then having it all annulled so quickly afterwards. I personally can't believe it, either. I also don't know why the media spends so much time talking about Paris Hilton. Or Anna Kournikova. Or the Olsen Twins. Or Sarah Michelle Gellar. Media, Go Take a Nap! There are more important stories in the world today than whatever Britney is doing. For example, we need more stories about Michael Jackson. While I don't like to get political, I have to spend some time talking about the new bunless burger craze that is sweeping the nation. Er. I mean to say, I have to spend some time talking about the bunless burger craze which was manufactured by the beef industry to cause the mindless American Going Public, who refuse to eat healthily or exercise regularly in order to lose weight, to go to fast food stores and eat plain hamburgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And here is what I have to say about it: you're all morons. I, at least, will take a healthy dose of soylent bread with my Mad Cow Disease. |
| January
12,
2004--I am currently not ready for some football.
Awards shows, Go Take a Nap! You're expanding like college football bowl games. Can we at least get some consolidation on a few of them? Or maybe all of them? How about one award for everything, ever. We'd call it the Jackson. It would be voted on by me, and it would go to the best actor, actress, movie, screenplay, song, video, tape, record, album, and computer-generated character. And this year's (2003's) Jackson Award goes to... ET, the extra-terrestrial (not the movie, but the actual extra terrestrial). Runner up to Mr. Tony Randall. Robert De Niro and Martin Scorsese are collaborating again, but not on a movie. This time, it's a book about their movies they collaborated on. Let me guess how it starts. "So, Bob De Niro and I are tossing around an idea for a mafia movie, and he's all, 'why just one mafia movie?' and I'm all, 'let's have Pesci play the same guy in all the mafia movies we make.'" De Niro and Scorsese, Go Take a Nap! No one cares about reading about your patter about making movies. Instead of writing about making movies, what about actually making movies? Rosie O'Donnell is chartering a gay cruise. No, she didn't get the idea from Boat Trip. Er. Maybe she did. Anyway, it's not the kind of gay cruise you're thinking about. Er. Maybe it is. It's supposedly designed to educate same-sex couples on such topics as adoption and artificial insemination. Rosie, Go Take a Nap! We all know that the mini-lessons on adoption are a thinly veiled attempt to veil the hot gay sex that is about to ensue onboard. But here's a piece of advice from one businessman to another: if you only let blonde twins onboard and film the whole shebang, you'd probably make enough money to buy the cruise ship. |
| January
5,
2004--Can somebody
please give me some free checking?
Just when I thought I would have nothing to write about this week, Britney Spears got married in Las Vegas at 5:30am to some schmo. I'm just guessing that they didn't wake up at 5am and decide to go get married. I'm thinking this decision came after a good, long, hard night of drinking, porking, eating, porking, drinking, rubba rubba, porking, drinking, and some more porking. But that's just a hypothesis (or educated guesstimate). And then you know what? She got it all annulled. I sure hope that dude got half of everything, or at least a T-shirt with something on it to the effect of "I married Britney Spears and all I got was this lousy T-shirt". But Britney, Go Take a Nap! You didn't even call me to tell me you were getting married, and I don't know where you registered. If you'd told me, I would've gotten you that McFlurry machine from Target. I personally like crushed M&M's in mine. [Reese's Pieces are a good substitute.--ET] I'm reminded of an old joke. Did you hear I'm getting married? I'm marrying my ass. Do you want to kiss the bride? Southwest Airlines has its own unreality TV show now on A&E. A&E, Go Take a Nap! Who wants to watch the cattle call of passengers grouped A, B, and C lining up way too early to try to get a seat on a plane even though there will be no empty seats and everyone will end up having to sit next to either a really chatty elderly woman, a smelly foreigner, a crying baby, a businessman with really crappy coffee breath, or worst, someone like me full of beer and whisky farts. Movies in New York now cost $10.25. Let's see here. If we do the math, a movie, a soda pop, a popcorn, and one box of Goobers will now cost more than the DVD. And I'll just bet the DVD has some bonus features, like all the scenes they cut that ET was in. And lastly, is there any show on TV these days that doesn't involve recreating a murder scene? I remember when there was only one murder scene recreation show, and it was called Quincy, M.E., and it was good, because at the end of every episode, when ET finally solved the murder, he went out for drinks with Jack Klugman and Hal Linden. |
