By Jack Jackson

     Some major drug companies of America have told their employees to "watch out" for Michael Moore, and to direct any and all questions he has of them to the higher-up corporate hacks.  Major drug companies of America, Go Take a Nap!  Why don't you be a little more honest and tell your employees to run and hide and lie and do whatever it takes to prevent the truth about how you rape America in the name of good health.  [What if he just needs a cup of sugar?--Eds.]

     John Mayer thought it was "hurtful" that he was not allowed to attend his high school's ceremony inducting him into its hall of fame.  The school officials cited security concerns and that "he was not expected to attend."  John Mayer, Go Take a Nap!  Why in hell would you think you'd be invited or allowed to attend your own induction ceremony?  School officials, Go Take a Nap!  Why in hell would you induct John Mayer into your hall of fame?  That guy sucks a big fattie, dude.

     Meet the Press won the wild and crazy Sunday morning ratings race for the 200th week in a row.  Way to go, Meet the Press!  You've been able to get arm-chair politicos out of bed on Sunday mornings better than anyone else.  Now if we could only be assured that when we vote, the votes actually get tabulated the way we voted, we'd have some sort of functional republic again.  [And we'd all be better off sleeping in on Sunday mornings.--Eds.]

     Martha Stewart got on a high pedestal and said Americans should push for penal reform.  First, the food at Camp Cupcake is "bad food."  Second, she thinks the federal sentencing guidelines ought to be looser for first-time, non-violent offenders, especially for drug offenses.  Martha, Go Take a Nap!  Why don't you be a little more honest and say that rich white people who steal and lie ought to get a pass?  And eat your rat stew.  It's full of protein.

By Jack Jackson

     200 children arrived and were let into Neverland Ranch this week to celebrate Christmas a little bit early.  Their ages ranged from 3-17, so at least now we know Jacko isn't a discriminating agist.  What I want to know is how the kids got there.  I mean, no parent or adult in their right mind would possibly take their kids to a fantasy ranch where the owner has a long and full history of being accused of molesting children, right?  They must've all skipped school, stolen buses and cabs, and driven there on a joyride.  That's what makes sense.  [We'd take all our kids there if it meant we'd have a chance at a spot in a new unreality TV series, or a can of Pepsi with some bourbon in it.--Eds.] 

     Martha Stewart dumped $8M (300K shares of Class A common stock) in her company this week.  One Wall Street analyst suggests she did so because she felt that the stock was "fully valued."  Wall Street analyst, Go Take a Nap!  That garbage stock is overvalued at any price.  Why anyone would ever invest in the cold bitch's money-grubbing empire is beyond me.  [We like to eat her cookies and decorate the walls with taffeta and chiffon.--Eds.]  Let me see if I can guess how this one works:

Hard Working, Middle Class Individual: "Excuse me, Mr. Investor Bankerman, I have an extra few dollars and I'd like to invest in a company driven by the personality of one person who is likely to commit felonies."

Mr. Investor Bankerman: "Any other criteria?  Diversification strategy?"

Hard Working, Middle Class Individual: "Nope.  Oh, wait.  I want to make sure I support someone who is already rich, and I never want to see the stock become worthless, slowly over time."

Mr. Investor Bankerman: "Five shares of MSO, coming your way."

     Illinois Governor (and likely peckerhead) Rod Blagojevich is encouraging the Illinois legislature to make it a misdemeanor to sell violent videogames to minors.  I've got a better idea.  How about a law which would make it illegal for peckerhead governors from proposing laws that are practically impossible to enforce.  Governor Blagojevich, Go Take a Nap!  Being from Illinois, you ought to know that prohibition leads to a black market and organized crime.  Preventing teenagers from buying violent video games will only create a very powerful teenager crime boss in Chicago.  [Or we'll just buy the games for them for a small fee.--Eds.]

     Britney Spears bought her pet Chihuahua, Bitbit, a £93 steak from a fancy-pants restaurant in the Bellagio in Las Vegas.  [What is that in $ or € or ¥?--Eds.]  The chef was insulted that he was unwittingly cooking a fine steak for a dog, not a human.  Chef, Go Take a Nap!  The insult is the action of paying £93 for a steak, period.  I don't care whether she fed it to a dog, put it up her butt, or gave it to a homeless person.  The most any good steak should cost is £89.     

By Jack Jackson

     Deputies in Los Olivos, CA, talked Michael Jackson into giving a sample of DNA, taking it by swabbing a cotton swab in his mouth for a swabbery swabberific Q-tip of Jacko genes.  Deputies in Los Olivos, Go Take a Nap!  You don't need to swab Jacko's mouth to get his DNA.  You just need to go find some santorum from Macaulay Culkin.  [When the FCC starts regulating the content of the Internet, this type column will no longer be possible.--Eds.]

     Stevie Wonder is mad at Eminem for making a video which makes fun of Michael Jackson for being a pedophile, pederast, buggerer, whatever.  Stevie suggests that Eminem should be kinder to black people who laid the foundation for the music which has made him so much money.  Stevie, Go Take a Nap!  You telling Eminem to respect black people is like the white chili telling the Texas chili to be more like Cincinnati chili!  [We like ours five-ways.--Eds.]

     British once-talented and twice-gay Elton John was honored at the Kennedy Center for "a lifetime of contributions to American culture through the performing arts."  Kennedy Center, Go Take a Nap!  The Kennedy Center must have a pretty broad definition of "contribution" and "performing art."  If by "contribution" and "performing arts" they mean not writing a good song in two decades and yelling at fans for wanting autographs, then I guess he deserves the award.

     Supermodel Heidi Klum has herself a book which she done wrote herself!  It's full of bons mots of all kinds.  For example: "You have to want it, baby," "Have a blast while it lasts," and "Become the fantasy."  Where the hell is "know your dealer," "don't shit where you eat," and "you buy here, you pay here"?

     "Do They Know It's Christmas?", the song which stunk up radio waves in 1984 will stink them up again in 2004, thanks to the general lack of taste that the British Empire is still afflicted with.  Who else would eat boiled kidneys, blood pudding, and haggis?  British Empire, Go Take a Nap!  I know it's Christmas, you know it's Christmas, and it doesn't really matter if war-torn Africa knows, alright?  And I'm guessing Africa won't be listening to top-40 UK radio much so maybe instead of singing about it, you should sail over there and tell them in person.

By Jack Jackson

     Some are criticizing Oliver Stone's Alexander because of its "frank depiction of bisexuality."  Others, of course, are praising the movie because of the "frank depiction of bisexuality."  While I have not yet seen this film, I don't believe anyone has it quite right.  After all, any good frank depiction of bisexuality ought to actually depict some frank bisexuality.  Colin Farrell apparently does little more than hug Jared Leto in the movie, and if that's all it takes to frankly depict bisexuality, maybe our society is even pruder than I thought.  [Or maybe they just aren't making bisexuals like they used to.--Eds.]  So, Oliver Stone, Go Take a Nap!  Next time, we want to see a real depiction of bisexuality, not this faggoty huggin' shit.

     Seems as if everyone loves to hang out with Martha Stewart at lunchtime in jail.  That's nice.  Maybe they should let her decorate the mess hall with taffeta.  [Maybe she should use rayon.--Eds.]

     The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce is upset that no real celebrities show up to participate in the annual stupidity of the Hollywood Christmas Parade anymore.  It used to draw Bob Hope and Jimmy Stewart and Gregory Peck.  Now it's American Idol loser William Hung.  Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, Go Take a Nap!  William Hung is a real celebrity just like Gregory Peck was.  Who wouldn't stand around Hollywood Boulevard to watch William Hung go by on a float with SpongeBob Squarepants?

     And for you who can stand to watch a movie with great acting but without a helicopter blowing up, check out Sideways by Alexander Payne.

By Jack Jackson

     Vanilla Ice's pet wallaroo (a cross between a wallaby and a kangaroo) escaped and made national news.  What's newsworthy is not that the wallaroo escaped, or that Vanilla Ice has one, but that it made national news.  Mass media, Go Take a Nap!  I want more substance in my daily dose of news, like what's Ashlee Simpson up to?  [We want to know more about the Scott Peterson trial.--Eds.]

     Paul McCartney will do the Super Bowl halftime mindless display of romp and pomp, but there will not, repeat, not, be any more black tits.  [There will be a general lack of musicality, too.--Eds.]  Super Bowl halftime show, Go Take a Nap!  If I don't see black tits, I'm going to have to go to the pr0n store, or check my email.

     The FCC said this week that "a la carte" cable packages, that is, being able to pick out channels to subscribe to as opposed to the mega-package deals, won't save consumers any money.  Let's see here.  $60 for 100 channels, and the FCC says it won't be any cheaper for just a couple of channels I want to watch.  That makes sense.  FCC, Go Take a Nap!  None of the shit you come up with benefits the consumers in any way, and I thought serving the public was your job.

By Jack Jackson

     Soon you may be media blitzkrieged by some propagandistic demagoguery which will advocate a Constitutional amendment which would allow foreign-born Nazi offspring to run for president of our fine country.  I'll go ahead and dub this the Schwarzenegger Amendment.  Let's just assume that the Republican Party has enough money to brainwash enough people to vote for such an amendment with incessant lies about how great it would be to have someone like Arnold Schwarzenegger run for president [What about William Shatner, the Canadian?--Eds.]  Or in the alternative, let's assume they have enough cronies who either own the electronic voting booths or the companies that create the software to throw enough votes in favor of such an amendment even if the populace votes against it.
     Here's how the first 2008 debate between Hillary Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger will likely go:

Arnold: I knew Jack Kennedy, Hillary, and you are a girlie man!
Hillary: I advocate reducing corporate welfare, raising taxes on the rich, and cutting taxes for the poor, in order to balance our budget to prevent the world from entering a total global economic collapse which will be worse than the Depression.
Arnold: When I am Fuehrer...President, I will blow up all the boxes of government and terminate the terrorists, and tell them to chill out.
Hillary: The working poor, the fastest growing segment in this country, can no longer afford to wait for money to trickle down from the wealthy in this society.  We need a broad-based coalition to put an end to our short-sighted fiscal policies which only benefit the rich.
Arnold: We must draft everyone, especially homosexuals, the poor, and non-Aryans from the ages of 18-35 and send them to Syria, Iran, North Korea, and China!  [pause for mindless applause and chants of "Sieg, Heil!"]  Defense contractors must be exempt from all taxes and regulations or else we will be destroyed by moral weakness!

     Or, I could be wrong.

     The lawyers for Robert Blake are in the jury selection process, and they are trying to pack the jury with people who "love a good mystery and may be open to conspiracy theories."  Lawyers for Robert Blake, Go Take a Nap!  Do you think you can really convince even one mystery-lover-cum-conspiracy theorist that Christian Brando, two homeless guys, and a stuntman killed Bonnie Lee?  [O.J. went free and his defense attorneys didn't have a conspiracy theorist jury.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Bob Barker donated a cool $1Million to UCLA's College of Law for an animal rights endowment.  Bob, Go Take a Nap!  You've been telling people to schnutz their pets for decades, and now all of a sudden you want to protect their legal rights?  How about supporting a mammal's basic right to procreate?  I knew you were losing it as soon as you started to give contestants two putts to win the car in Hole-in-One.

     The MPAA decided to learn nothing from the RIAA and announced it would begin to sue those sharing movies on the Internet.  MPAA, Go Take a Nap!  There's something about suing your customers that just doesn't make sense.  How about instead of trying to control everyone and squeeze every penny from them, maybe you could work with your customers to develop a business plan that would allow sharing legally and benefit you financially.  How about a royalty on ISP services instead of suing your customers instead?

     Toby Keith begun construction on a 600-seat restaurant/music hall in Oklahoma City called "I Love This Bar & Grill" named after what is apparently a popular song, "I Love This Bar".  The project will cost approximately $4.7Million and there's no word yet on whether he asked Kenny Rogers for any advice on how to run it.
     I can just hear it now.  "Honey, how about you, me, and son, and the daughter all pile into the Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer, the kids'll play Shrek 2 on the PlayStation in the backseat, and when we get to the restaurant, we can blow about $100 on dinner with 596 other peckerheads who like shit-ball country music, too!  And then, I'll be able to tell the guys at work all about it for the next two weeks!"

By Jack Jackson

     Elton John says that his rage and temper are just part of being creative.  And I suppose murdering your wife is just part of being a star running back.  And maybe hiring someone to kill your wife is just part of playing Baretta on TV.   He also said that he used to love being in the limelight, and now he hates it.  Elton, Go Take a Nap!  If you don't like the limelight, maybe you should stop making such a priggish ass of yourself in public.  [Or maybe he should Go Take a Nap!--Eds.]

     And Elton John's best friend, Eminem, said pretty much the same thing about his fame this week.  He wants to go back to a simpler life of just making music, just being comfortable, not having to sign autographs, being able to go to the mall without attention, and knowing whether a woman loves him for him or for his success.  Eminem, Go Take a Nap!  Is there any doubt that women only love you for your success?  [And what's the big deal with wanting to go to the mall?  We went last week to get some new shoes and it's really not all that great of a deal.  Quite a let down, actually.  We did sign a few autographs, however, on the toilet with a sharpie.--Eds.]

     Arnold Schwarzenegger has no immediate plans to run for president.  Gee, that's awful kind of you, Arnie, considering that our Constitution won't allow foreign-born Nazi offspring to be president in this country.  Are you doing anything as governor of California other than grandstanding and offending the Democrats?

By Jack Jackson

     "The whole situation was a bummer," said Ashlee Simpson concerning her Saturday Night Live "performance" which exposed her for the true artist she is.  When she jumped onstage to perform her second song, her vocal track played before she remembered to put the microphone to her mouth and lip synch to her latest crappy song.  Then she left the stage in embarrassment.  First, she blamed the band for playing the wrong tune.  Then, the record company blamed a computer glitch.  Finally, her daddy had to chip in and claim it was acid reflux disease.  Simpson family and record company, Go Take a Nap!
     First, Ashlee, for all I know, does have acid reflux disease and other bulimic tendencies, but you gotta get your story right the first time.  The band, a computer glitch, or acid reflux?  Maybe you should talk to Robert Blake's defense counsel and figure out how to blame Christian Brando and some homeless dudes, too.
     Second, Ashlee, it's bad form to blame your band for the fact that you can't sing.  [Our moms think she's homely, too.--Eds.]  You've ridden your sister's paltry coattails to an "acting" disaster on 7th Heaven and an unreality show on MTV, a record deal and an appearance on SNL.  Do you realize that you deserve none of that?
     Finally, Ashlee, EVERYONE KNOWS you can't sing.  So you should've just finished the job at SNL instead of leaving the stage.  Think of it as your Solid Gold moment.

     In the Oh, Really? section of this week's column: an expert witness for Disney shareholders testified that the amount of $140Million paid to Michael Ovitz as severance pay after 14 months there was "unreasonable".  Oh, Really?

     A neighbor of Lenny Kravitz sued him for negligence in letting his toilet overflow, stating that it became "blocked, clogged, and congested with various materials."  [That's lawyer-ese for he took a big dump and used too much TP.--Eds.]  Then "catastrophic water damage" ensued in his neighbor's Manhattan condo.  Lenny, Go Take a Crap!  And break it up a bit next time with a courtesy flush or something.

By Jack Jackson

     Martha Stewart is apparently having a good time in jail.  In fact, most are predicting she'll bank $5Million from penning her memoirs of her five-month stint in the low-security hoosegow called Camp Cupcake.  Martha, Go Take a Nap!  No one wants to read about how you spent five months in jail.  Er.  Oh, that's right.  There are about a million mindless housewives in this country that can't wait to buy your memoirs.  [And a million mindless gay men.--Eds.]

     Prince's new video for Cinnamon Girl is taking some heat because it depicts a teenage Arab-American girl harassed by her peers and then dreaming of blowing up an airport.  First, it's not very realistic to blow up an airport.  I mean, most of the airports I've been to are so big that you'd need to have about 100 terrorists ready to go to do any serious damage with personal bombs [Don't give them any ideas--Eds.].  Second, didn't we do this all before with Pearl Jam's Jeremy?  [We'd like to see more videos of postal workers dreaming of delivering the mail and not killing anyone.--Eds.]

        Looks like Robert Blake's theory that Christian Brando, a homeless guy, and some other dude conspired to kill his wife isn't going to fly.  The judge disallowed into evidence an audiotape of Brando yelling about Bonnie Lee Bakley.  Well, if you ask me, this tape should be entered into evidence, because yelling about someone proves they murdered someone.

     Sandra Bullock won a $7Million judgment for faulty house repairs.  Let's see here...$7Million to fix my house...or...28 Million tacos at cheap taco night!  You do the math.

By Jack Jackson

     The new marionette-action-comedy-spoof-dramedy Team America had to cut out some puppet sex in order to come in at the coveted R rating instead of the much maligned NC-17 rating.  The movie had depicted "simulated sex between wooden puppets" but you won't get anything too steamy on the silver screen, thanks to the MPAA's ratings system.  [We're hoping for some bonus features on the DVD where ET has sex with all the wooden puppets at the same time with his creepy glowing finger.--Eds.]  MPAA ratings system, Go Take a Nap!  As an adult, I ought to be able to take teens to see this movie, and I want them to see simulated sex between wooden puppets!

     Justin Timberlake dropped in on an 8th-grade gym class in Toronto to play some basketball with them, but not because of the kindness of his heart.  No, he did it as a publicity stunt for McDonalds Canada which extolled the virtues of eating fast food as part of a healthy lifestyle.  Timberlake, Go Take a Nap!  Being a corporate hack for a McDonalds campaign extolling the virtues of fast food as part of a healthy lifestyle is like Hitler doing a public service announcement for an African-American voters' rights coalition.  [Or like Stalin drinking American vodka.--Eds.]

     California voters think Arnold Schwarzenegger is good for the state, but not so good for the country.  A recent poll suggested only 26% of California voters would like to see him as president if, for some strange reason, the entire country went batshit nutz and amended the Constitution so that foreign-born politicos could become our commander-in-chief.  [The Constitution's amendment process only requires 3/4 of the states going batshit nutz.--Eds.]

     Dennis Rodman says that his "bad-boy image" is hurting his chances of returning to the NBA.  Or maybe, just maybe, it's because you're 43, and haven't played professionally for over four years.  Or maybe, just maybe, it's because you're batshit nutz and no one wants you on their team.  [We think it's his image.--Eds.]

     And I would be remiss, very remiss, to not finally address the wonderful new developments at my dear old alma mater, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln (UNL).  They've done the honorable thing, or at least Chancellor Harvey Perlman signed off, to letting NBC film their latest unreality show with Tommy Lee pretending to be going to college.  He'll be going to college and studying so hard, that he'll only need to be here four weeks instead of the regular 16 it takes to finish a semester.  Moreover, he just started, so he only missed, oh, about seven weeks of classes.  This is just the kind of thing Nebraska needed.  A little money and a bunch of publicity showing just how much we'll bend over to prove to the rest of America that we'll let anything, anything at all, be valued higher than an education at our fine university.    

By Jack Jackson

     Martha Stewart will be spending five months of pokey-time in a federal prison known as Camp Cupcake.  A minimum-security-women-only prison, Camp Cupcake sits on top of a hill in West Virginia, and there are no walls or fences to keep Martha in.  Camp Cupcake, Go Take a Nap!  You're going to have to build some mad crazy walls to keep Martha in.  She'll be diggin' tunnels and evadin' spotlights and baking herself cakes with files in them and you'll never, ever keep her indomitable spirit down.

     Britney Spears has prepared a "letter of truth" which will explain in detail her most recent marriage and more.  The catch?  It'll cost you a smooth $24.98 to join her premium content section of her website to have access to the letter.  Britney, Go Take a Nap!  $24.98 is a lot of money to read about your desires for drunken, rough sex, and by my calculations, I could instead use that $24.98 to get 100 tacos at Thursday cheap taco night.  [By our calculations, you would only be able to get 99.92 tacos unless you figure out some way to scrounge up another two cents.--Eds.]

     Robert Blake now claims that his wife was killed as the result of a conspiracy between Christian Brando, two stuntmen, and two homeless people, because she showed Christian Brando a picture of a baby intimating that it was his via her, but was really Blake's baby.  Robert, Go Take a Nap!  This conspiracy theory doesn't hold water.  Everyone in Hollywood knows that any believable conspiracy theory involves three stuntmen and four homeless people.  [And at least one cast member from The Facts of Life.--Eds.]

     When asked about America, Chow Yun-Fat said he "can't stand talking English every day or the lifestyle ... not to mention the food."  [He sure doesn't seem to mind our way of giving him money for running around and beating people up in film.--Eds.]  C'mon Chow, give us another chance!  Come back and we'll start talking your language and cooking food just the way you like it, because that's what we're here for.  Think of us as New Hong Kong.  Er.  Wait a minute.  Next time you're here, just go to In-N-Out Burger and order it animal style.  [We hear animal style is Britney's favorite way.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     So I guess you shouldn't try to fly to America with Cat Stevens on your flight.  The U.S. government diverted his plane to Bangor from its original destination of Washington, D.C. because he is on a no-fly list for allegedly donating money to Hamas.  U.S. government, Go Take a Nap!  If he's on the no-fly list, why let him fly to Maine?  Don't you theoretically have to shoot the plane down to put him in a state of no-longer-flying?  And why force delays upon all of the other passengers?  Just let Cat and his fellow passengers land at their scheduled destination next time, and then you can make him go back home.

     Personal to Cat: I know you like your Muslim name, Yusuf Islam, but if you want back in our country, better change it to something a little whiter, like Johnny Christianity, or David Judaism.  [We think Harry Chinaman would work, too.--Eds.]

     Britney Spears says she wants to be a "young mom."  And then she'll be a young MILF.  And then she'll get divorced and she'll be a young DILF.  [And then you get old and die, which is a "total ugh," so live it up!--Eds.]

      Elton John was upset this week after his plane landed in Taiwan, because the Taiwanese media were allowed to beset him as he exited his plane.  Reporters immediately surrounded him, photographers took pictures, and he responded by calling them all "rude, vile pigs!"  Elton, Go Take a Nap!  You should be happy that anyone, anyone at all, still wants to give your saggy, old, gay ass any publicity at all.  You haven't written a good song in decades, and you're losing your voice.

     Jackie Chan is upset at Hollywood, he says, because there are no real acting roles for Asian actors.  All they get to do is play kung fu fighters, according to him.  Jackie, Go Take a Nap!  That's not true at all.  In fact, I remember just the other day seeing a movie called Breakfast at Tiffany's where they let an Asian guy play a surly landlord!

By Jack Jackson

     The Olsen Twins will pimp Happy Meals for McDonalds in France.  I'll have to reread Revelations to figure out which seal that broke, but let's just assume, for the sake of argument, that that broke the fifth seal.  McDonald's, Go Take a Nap!  Having the Olsen Twins pimp Happy Meals is like having Hitler do ads for the Holocaust Museum.  [We're not sure this analogy is appropriate.--Eds.]  I want to see an Olsen Twin eat a Happy Meal and not intentionally barf it up.  [We want to see them eat ice cream cones and pet kittens.--Eds.]

     It's official.  Rick James died from a heart attack but not an overdose because his bloodstream was full of nine different drugs, so sayeth the toxicology man.  Toxicology man, Go Take a Nap!  Explain to me how being on nine different drugs and dying from a heart attack is not an overdose.  [We've been on ten different drugs and didn't die.--Eds.]

     Edward Furlong, star of Pet Sematary II, drunkenly pulled lobsters from an aquarium in a Kentucky grocery store.  No one knows why.  But I know why.  Because he was drunk.  That's all you need to know.  Being drunk in a grocery store at night can make a man do some crazy things.  [We like to play football with the paper towels.--Eds.]

     Elton John says that bands these days aren't paying their dues.  He says you shouldn't make a video and then go on tour.  You should go on tour, then make the video.  Elton, Go Take a Nap!  You're just jealous.  [We also wonder if Elton means something more by "paying dues" than going on tour.--Eds.]

     Supposedly, Britney Spears got married again this weekend.  At this rate, she'll have about 40 exes by the time she retires.  Hopefully this time, it won't be a "total ugh" for her.  [Hopefully she got trashed and had animalistic sex again, tho.--Eds.]

     And Macaulay Caulkin was busted for marihuana and Xanax and clonazepam, all without a prescription.  The mass media consider this was newsworthy, but I for some reason just assumed that dude was drugged up all the time.  [We heard Michael Jackson got him started with whiskey in Pepsi cans.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Pamela Anderson is mad at KFC because of they way they boil, de-beak, and cripple the chickens before they end up with the seven special spices and in our bellies.  Pam, Go Take a Nap!  Everyone knows that KFC had to change their name to KFC from Kentucky Fried Chicken because there's no actual chicken being served there.  [We have third-hand reports that KFC uses organ farms, much like the creepy scene in "Coma" where all the people are on life support waiting for organ transplant surgery for rich people, but the KFC organ farms aren't actual comatose chickens.  Instead, it's just a bunch of breasts and thighs being fed IVs.--Eds.]  [We are interested to hear more about a breast and thigh farm.--Eds.]

     CBS was fined $550,000, or $27,500 for 20 of the over 200 TV stations it owns which showed Janet Jackson's tit.  Let's see here.  $550,000 fine for one tit.  Good thing we didn't see both tits, or that woulda broke CBS's bank!  [Good thing Timberlake didn't pull out his pecker, too!--Eds.]  And who's going to fine the FCC for letting CBS own over 200 stations in the U.S.?

     Official Britney Spears pre-chewed pieces of gum are regularly going for over $5 on eBay.  That makes sense.  After all, I just got done bidding $6 for a piece of bacon pre-chewed by Abe Vigoda.  [We just bid $8 on a smoked turkey leg licked by the Olsen Twins.--Eds.]

     Johnny Depp recently said that he thought growing old was "great fun" and "great."  Johnny, Go Take a Nap!  Growing old is not great fun or great.  It's terrible when you wake up and your adult diapers are full and your pecker doesn't work anymore.  [We don't like that our hair is blue and we can't remember how to drive.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     Rapper Usher says he has no beef with Justin Timberlake.  He says he's not trying to compete with Justin and that he's "not looking for that bad-boy image."  Usher, Go Take a Nap!  If Justin Timberlake is the image of a bad boy, then there sure as hell are a lot of Satans running around.  [We think Justin Timberlake is a bad boy because he put his tongue into and around Britney's flesh purse.--Eds.]

     The State of Illinois sued the Dave Matthews Band for dumping 800 pounds of liquid human waste from their tour bus over and through the metal grating of the Kinzie street bridge into the Chicago River in Chicago.  Normally, this wouldn't have been a problem, but there were a boatload of tourists underneath on one of those damn boat tours of Chicago where they yell via megaphones that "over there Al Capone killed a guy.  Over here, there was some political corruption.  Here is a Cubs fan who does nothing but drink Old Style and fart the ass out of his pants."  The legal theory?  Violation of pollution and nuisance laws.  State of Illinois, Go Take a Nap!  Have you ever seen the Chicago River?  Filling it with liquid human waste is more likely to de-pollute the river than anything.  [Or at least dilute the industrial waste to the point where it no longer smells like sulfur but shit.--Eds.]

     Alice Cooper first said that those rockers who campaign against Bush are "treasonous morons."  He later explained that he was taken out of context because he qualified the statement saying those rockers were committing treason against rock.  No one should take any rocker's political advice, he said, because all rockers are morons.  So, I did exactly what he said, and I ignored his moronic advice and now I'm taking all my political advice from rockers.

By Jack Jackson

     The autopsy of Rick James is inconclusive.  His family believes he died of natural causes, but the coroner is going to wait to place his bets until he gets the toxicology report back.  Coroner, Go Take a Nap!  We all know he died from natural causes.  [If by natural causes, you mean heavy drug use and freaky sex, then yes.--Eds.]

     Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis, is partially being filmed at Chernobyl.  I'm guessing that they didn't want to film the whole movie there because of the funny tasting water.  [We think it's because there are real zombies there.--Eds.]  But Return of the Living Dead movies, Go Take a Nap!  We don't need any more zombie movies.  We need more zombie porn movies.

     Quentin Tarantino thinks he's hurt his Oscar chances by splitting up Kill Bill into two parts.  Quentin, Go Take a Nap!  You've killed your Oscar chances forever because of your snide and smug speech you gave for Best Original Screenplay in 1994 for Pulp Fiction.  Just because you think your movies deserve Oscars doesn't mean you'll get one.  And let me tell you this: the best movie ever made is The Cannonball Run and did it win an Oscar?

     Four Filipino family members have been arrested for serving a relative and serving him at a wedding reception.  Filipino family members, Go Take a Nap!  Everyone knows that you're supposed to serve your relatives at the pre-nup, not the wedding.

     Robert Blake thought his wife was an unfit mother as early as ten months before she was killed, and he tried to gain exclusive custody.  Robert, Go Take a Nap!  Just because you think your wife is an unfit mother is no excuse to hire a hit man to kill her.  [We recommend getting her Chicken Soup for the Unfit Mother's Soul.--Eds.]

By Jack Jackson

     The Princess Diana memorial fountain in London is being bespoiled by people throwing garbage, even diapers into it.  What's worse than that?  Dogs are paddling in it!  Dogs, Go Take a Nap!  You're supposed to piddle in the fountain, not paddle in it.

     Jack Valenti is stepping down as the head of the MPAA.  What did he have to say about his 38-year stint as a diehard luddite who helped buy Congressmen to increase the monopolistic power of the major studios by increasing the protection of copyright law?  "I survived," he said.  He may have survived, but I'm not sure sure about his toupee.

       Christian Slater had to scrap his debut in a London performance of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest because he had chicken pox.  Chicken pox?!?!  Christian, Go Take a Nap!  What are you, twelve?  Didn't you have an older brother or sister to give it to you?  And chicken pox sure as hell wouldn't keep me from performing in London.  Think about it.  You'd be scratching yourself the whole time, and it would help you get into the part of a crazy person.  Think of it as method acting.

      And it appears nothing else happened this week in the world of celebrities.

By Jack Jackson

     Six weeks at a treatment facility was all it took to fix Mary-Kate Olsen.  She apparently went from rich girl who wouldn't eat to rich girl who would eat in a mere 42 days.  Mary-Kate, Go Take a Nap! [Mary-Kate, Go Eat a Pork Sandwich.--Eds.]  You don't need 42 days at a treatment facility to teach you that food is important.  You just need to eat the Spicy Chicken Sandwich at Wendy's.  Once you go Spicy, you never...never go back.

     Earvin "Magic" Johnson opened a Starbucks Coffee in Compton.  Good.  I can see it now.  L.L. Cool J will be all about gettin' his shizzy wif da fizzy and the flavor shot of Swiss Vanillin Tapioca Compote.  [We prefer the complex tastes that the iced coffees effectuate.--Eds.]

     Michael Jackson surprised some Houstoners this week at a mall.  He tasted a pretzel, shook some hands, and spent a lot of money on teddy bears.  Er.  Houston mall, Go Take a Nap!  Let's put this one out there and call it like it is: he's going to use the teddy bears to lure little children to his Neverland ranch where they'll play games and dance and prance and have fun and then they'll drink whiskey from Pepsi cans and then pray in front of the Macaulay Culkin shrine while he slowly depantses the chillren and... [We have decided to no longer let Jack Jackson "call it like it is."--Eds.].

     Nick Carter does not regret getting "Paris" tattooed onto his wrist, even after he broke up with Paris Hilton.  Nick, Go Take a Nap!  Of course you regret the tattoo on your wrist.  It's a permanent reminder that you had sloppy seconds from a woman who [We're going to put a stop to this one before it gets raunchy.--Eds.].

     And speaking of Paris Hilton, she apparently showed up somewhere in public with a black eye.  I'm guessing she's into the same stuff as Britney Spears.  You know, the "mind-blowing and rough" sex?  [We've seen the type sex she's into on the Internet, and at no time did she get punched in the face for sexual pleasure.--Eds.].

By Jack Jackson

     Linda Ronstadt, hired for a one-show stint at the Aladdin in Las Vegas, dedicated a song to Michael Moore and his movie Fahrenheit 9/11.  The calm and perfect examples of self-righteous adult conduct, The Republicans of the audience, booed, stomped out, tore down her posters, threw drinks, and demanded their money back.    Republicans at the Las Vegas show, Go Take a Nap!  Why do you hate Linda Ronstadt's freedoms so much?  Maybe you should move to Soviet Russia where the freedom to speak your mind is non-existent and is met with a good stomping from a jackboot.  [Or maybe they should just go buy all of Linda's records so they can hear her sing without fearing hearing any original thoughts.--Eds.]

     Everyone's favorite wheelchair-bound physicist, Stephen Hawking, has revised his theory about black holes.  Initially, he believed that black holes destroy energy and matter, but now he says that they eventually disintegrate and release the energy and matter in a "mangled" form.  The matter doesn't, like he previously believed, come out the anus of the black hole and into a parallel universe.  Stephen, Go Take a Nap!  Everyone knew that!  Welcome to the 21st Century, Einstein!

     Peter Frampton is suing Billabong because they're using his face and a parodied line from one of his songs, "Baby I love your waves," on the panties part of a bikini.  Frampton, Go Take a Nap!  [The opposite of Frampton, Come Alive!--Eds.]  Having your likeness splattered all over the naughty bits of beach-going women is an honor, not a lawsuit.  Besides, you should be appreciative of the free advertising.

     Star Wars III will be called "Revenge of the Sith".  I sorta figured it would be "Revenge of the Ronstadt" but you know how these Hollywood types are.  [George Lucas lives in Mill Valley somewhere.--Eds.]  [I think Skywalker Ranch is near Marin City.--Ed.]  Highlights of the movie will include: ET turning Jar-Jar Binks into a dark Jedi; ET telling Jar-Jar Binks bedtime stories about the "home country"; ET severing Jar-Jar's head and using it as a hood ornament on his new BMW 760Li Sedan; Ewoks having Anakin over for tea; Anakin killing all the Ewoks; roll credits and CUT!

     And don't miss an update to Go Take a Nap! Letters!

By Jack Jackson

     An ESPN crew visited the three-year-old Espen Allen Blondeel this week, because little Espen is named after ESPN!  ESPN is aware of at least 11 children (male and female) named after the sports network.  Mothers of Espens, Go Take a Nap!  You're supposed to be the rational guiding force behind the naming of the children.  If you let the fathers name the kids, we'll have and entire country of children named after various guy-oriented items.  Imagine all the kids named Velveeta, Hot Wing, Nascar, Playboy, Football, and Beer Can.

     Jason Alexander, the Jason Alexander who got trizzzzashed with Britney Spears, married, and then not-so-married, blames Britney's family for tearing them apart.  He also claims that Britney proposed to him after several nights of "mind-blowing and rough" sex, unprotected even.  [This is not as good as several rough nights of penis-blowing.--Eds.] [As in, several nights of getting your penis blown.--Eds.]  Is anyone surprised that Britney is into rough sex?  I mean, she keeps singing about getting hit "one more time" and her strabismus vergens could be a sign that she's been punched in the face before.  But Britney, Go Take a Nap!  It ain't right to lead my man, Jason, on like that.  The rough sex, the unprotected rough sex, the mind-blowing unprotected rough sex, the marriage, and then you later call it a "total ugh"?  [We want to know if he got to put it in the poohole.  Eds.]

     Elton John is upset because of self-censoring celebrities who are afraid to speak out against the war in Iraq.  He says they are too career-conscious.  For example, he pointed to Toby Keith being accepted publicly for his pro-Bush stance, and the Dixie Chicks shunned for being anti-war.  Elton, Go Take a Nap!  First of all, my career is important to me.  If I can make a few million dollars by saying that we should stand behind every decision our president makes (see Britney Spears on how to word this properly), I'll do it!  Second of all, the Dixie Chicks were shunned because they suck superbad.