[Editor's Note: Jack Jackson is going to Go Take a Nap! for a few weeks while he studies for law school finals and goes on vacation home and then to San Francisco.  Be looking for his triumphant return in early 2003.]

     Britney Spears turned 21 last December 2nd.  That's good.  Now we can both go to the bars where I can hang out with my guy friends and not do stupid stuff like hang out at the pizza parlor and rent romantic comedies.

     George Michael is upset for being sued for $10Million because he said the undercover police officer who arrested him for lewd conduct in a bathroom allegedly dangled his genitals first.  C'mon George!  Go Take a Nap!  You got to see real-live genitals in person and all it's going to cost is $10Million!  Sounds like a deal to me.  And next time, remember, it's only fair that you dangle your genitals first.

     James Van Der Beek [Dawson] is trying to change his wholesome image, with movies like The Rules of Attraction.  If he wants to change his wholesome image, why doesn't he dangle his genitals in front of undercover police officers at the Rock 'n' Roll McDonald's?  Dawson, you need to Go Take a Nap!  You've been stereotyped and it's OK.  Look at Jim Varney!

     Johnny Knoxville is "sympathetic" to the family of a teenager who fell from a moving pickup, much to his demise, while trying to recreate a Jackass stunt.  It involved setting a chair on fire and throwing it out the back of the pickup.  Now, teenagers, let's get this straight.  When you want to light a chair on fire and throw it overboard, don't grab your friend by accident and throw him overboard.  That's not funny.  In fact, it's downright deadly.  Kids, Go Take a Nap!  The disclaimer before every show and the movie clearly stated not to imitate the movie.

     Rosie and her pardner had a baby.  I know the stork delivers babies, but my mommy told me storks never delivered babies to two women.  Something about a stork needing a ding-dong and a hoo-ha and an in-out-in-out and then something else about some special sauce and something called a vas deferens.

     Are You Hot? is the working title of ABC's new reality show, which will seek the sexiest person in the world.  They need look no further.  Jack Jackson is their man!  Why, my Magic 8 Ball told me I was the sexiest person alive, as did my pet rock, and that mechanized gypsy genie in that shady alley down the street.

     I'm certainly sexier than my movie nemesis, Ben Affleck, who was named People's sexiest man alive.  I mean, really, what woman would want to bed him compared to a sharp and stinging cynic columnist?

     But seriously, this whole "who's sexier" contest has got to Go Take a Nap!  People are people and while some of us may be overweight, we traditionally make up for it in personality and sense of humor.  Think of Mindy Cohn on The Facts of Life.  Buddy Hackett.  William "The Refrigerator" Perry.  Louie Anderson.

     Eh.  Maybe not Louie Anderson.  No.  Definitely not Louie Anderson.  But Nell Carter, though.  Was Punky Brewster fat?  No.  It was Webster, right?  No it was his dad on the show, George Popadopoulos.  That was Alex Karras.  He was fat and funny in that Tom Poston sort of way.

     Justin Timberlake broke his foot and won't tell anyone why.  I guess I'll have to wait for the rapture and hope the Baby Jesus fills me in on that one.  I bet he got drunk and fell down some stairs, but that's just how I broke my foot.

     And Michael Jackson, Jacko, strangest public figure alive, nearly threw the baby out with the wash this week in excitement to show fans just exactly what a baby with a napkin on its head looks like.

     Joshua Jackson (no relation), who is some dude on Dawson's Creek (not Dawson), was arrested for drunkenly punching a security officer at a hockey game in Raleigh, NC.  Here's one piece of advice for you celebrities: don't punch the security officers, and if you do, do it sober.  There's a good chance that there's more than one security guard, too, so unless you're ready to Go Take a Nap in detox, keep your fists off the guards' faces.  If you're a mean drunk and prone to causing trouble, drink the Jack Jackson way: get so drunk you pass out before you can start a fight.

     Steve Martin is the developer behind what is a sure-fire Emmy winner, a remake of Hart to Hart.  The hook?  Hart and Hart are going to be gay interior decorators.  I wonder if they'll really like designer shoes.  Or maybe they like piano bars?  Do they drive VW Jettas?  Who will pitch and who will catch?  This Enquiring mind has got to know!

     Miss Cleo's parent corporation was ordered via settlement to discharge $500million of customer debt this week.  That's a new record, I think.  I don't think I'll ever see $500million, let alone be able to afford to write it off as a unrecoverable loss.  Over 6 million calls were made at an average of $60 per call.  That only adds up to $360million, doesn't it?  I wonder where the extra $140million came from.  Or where did it go?  Can I get an accountant in here?  I have one thing to say to Miss Cleo, and that is, of course, Go Take a Nap!  You can't see the future any better than my left ass cheek, or else you would've seen this huge settlement coming 8 miles away.

And here is a fine example of what can happen when you drink one gallon of Smilex.

     This just in!  Ben Affleck (my movie nemesis) is engaged to J-Lo.  Man, Ben must be a better actor than I thought, if he can convince J-Lo that he's not plowing Matt Damon on a nightly basis.  Or maybe she's into that?  Or maybe she should Go Take a Nap!  I mean, really, if she didn't have a huge ass (I think it's two pillows), who would care about her singing, dancing, and acting?  And can I go on the record as admitting I don't like huge asses?  It's not fun if you have to hunt for treasure!

     Rosie O'Donnell is publicly defending Martha Stewart without any knowledge of the facts of her case.  That's smart.  She said that women of America shouldn't let "them tear down one of the most successful female entrepreneurs in our country's history."  She didn't say who "them" were, and I'm sure the quote was taken out of context, but who cares?  I think Martha cheated, lied, and stole her way to the top, and I'm not going to let "her" get away with it!  Having more than $100million needs to Go Take a Nap!  No one gets that kind of money without being a royal bitch.

     Justin Timberlake is heavily influenced by Michael Jackson.  He clearly likes his music and his wardrobe.  Can a private cottage at Neverland be too far away?

     Eminem has completed the biggest brain-washing of America yet!  He's gone from homophobic/sexist rapper to the new Elvis, according to some media outlets.  Well, let's just see how long that lasts.  Or maybe it'll get worse!  Maybe he'll have a family-oriented situation comedy.  We'll call it 8 Mile is not Enough.

     Not an eventful week here in the land of enchantments.  I could kvetch and haw about Winona Ryder's trial, but then what would Court TV have to do?

     Jackass: The Movie has spawned, rather unpredictably, a whole series of teenage clones!  Yes, teenaged boys are emulating their idols by stealing golf carts, running them into fountains and statues, and peeing on each other and setting each other on fire.  That reminds me of that whole thing Carol Brady used to say: "If your friends all jumped off a cliff, would you follow them, too?"  And then I think of that time I tried to glue mom's favorite vase together after playing ball in the house.  Whatever happened to fun pranks like egging people's houses and throwing rolls of toilet paper in their trees?  Why did we develop the need to set each other on fire for fun?  I tell you, setting your friends on fire has to Go Take a Nap!  If you're bored, watch TV!

     Christina Aguilera is comfortable with her new, sexy self.  I can think of at least one other person who shares her comfort.

     And Justin Timberlake is apparently comfortable with his blunt-smoking, sexually charged self, too.  In an effort to change his image from gay beard for Britney Spears to the new Barry White, he's admitted to smoking a blunt with Nelly, and equating golf to sex ("The goal is to get the ball in the hole," he said).  Justin, Go Take a Nap!  If you want to remake your image, why not steal purses while on drugs?

     Uh, oh!  Kid Rock's touring bus had a "marijuana cigarette" and a "small amount of cocaine" on it.  Can I start the earth-shattering shift in AP style here, and suggest that we can go ahead and say "joint" and "dime bag"?  C'mon, AP style!  Go Take a Nap!  And they were probably Joe C's, anyway.  Midgets love drugs.

     Greg Kinnear, comoedian-cum-Oscar-worthy-actor, said he watched some of Bob Crane's pr0nomonographies in order to get up for his biographical role as Bob Crane himself.  First, I thought I said last week that this whole actors-pretending-to-be-famous-people shit has got to Go Take a Nap!  Second, one man's self-produced pr0nomonography is for that man alone!  Do you really think Rob Lowe and Tommy Lee wanted everyone to see just how rotten they fuck?  Leave the filming of fucking to professionals!  Filming yourself just leads to incriminating evidence.  Ask R. Kelly!

     Richard Harris, most beloved as English Bob in Unforgiven, died at the age of 72 while battling Hodgkins Disease.  From Camelot to MacArthur's Park, to getting shit-faced everynight with Peter O'Toole and nearly dying from a cocaine overdose, he led one goddamnedably full life.  Fans can know he's in heaven right now, next to Peter O'Toole, passing back and forth several bottles of Scotch in an effort to reclaim their youths, pondering the hefty weight of leaving cakes out in the rain and losing recipes.

     Jackass is #1 at the B.O.  Why?  Parents are giving their teenage sons too much allowance.  And the funny part of it all?  They're paying to see dudes run around doing naked insertions to each other.  Let's see how many of them grow up to admit that in ten years.

     In an effort to send race relations backwards about two centuries, Harry Belafonte called Colin Powell a "house slave" of President George W. Bush.  I can see the clear similarities between being Secretary of State and doing the dishes.  Sure, one pays better, but it's not like he's comparing fried chicken to watermelons.  Er.  Harry, Go Take a Nap!  Didn't you sing that goddamned banana boat song?  What a sell out!

     Richard Harris has Hodgkins Disease, but he'll still be able to act in the upcoming fourteen or so Harry Potter movies!  I was going to send him a cake, but someone left the cake out in the rain, and I don't think that I can take it, because it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again.  Oh, no!

     Frank Gorshin, only ever known as the Riddler on Batman, is now playing George Burns on Broadway.  I've got to vent a bit on this.  Why are people in such a toot these days to play other famous people?  This whole idea needs to Go Take a Nap!  First it was Hal Holbrook as Mark Twain, then it was John Voight as FDR.  What's next?  Eminem as himself?

     Senator John McCain (AZ, Rep.) missed a vote on the defense budget so he could attend his SNL rehearsal.  It's nice to know that he's got his priorities down.  He doesn't let the small things in life get to him, like how much we spend on national defense.  Senator, you made the right call!  Who would want to sit next to Jesse Helms and smell the bourbon on his breath when you could be in NYC living it up with one of the worst casts in SNL history and making a pre-emptive strike at Election 2004?

     As proof that Europeans have more fun, Jude Law's two-year-old daughter ate a tablet of that popular dancing and fucking drug, ecstasy at a children's party last week.  That's one hip baby!  There was no neglect found.  I'm going to go out on a very thick and sturdy limb here and say that maybe there was just a teensy-weensy itty-bitty modicum of neglect here.  As in, neglect to keep the X from the kids' mouths.  Whatever happened to the really scary pederast clowns that used to make balloon animals for kids at parties?  When did handing out X become en vogue?  Why not provide a whole set of works as party favors, or fill up a pinata with crack-filled condoms?  Jude, you need to Go Take a Nap!  If you're not more careful, your daughter will grow up to be a very successful actress.

[As a side note, I understand teenagers are now making "sexstasy" cocktails, which is some X and some Viagra.  Teenagers, you have to just say "no" to this.  Hot and passionate sex which lasts all night and all day is extremely bad for you.  Take it from me.  Good old man-on-top-get-it-over-with-quick sex is where it's at.  (Thanks to George Carlin for that phraseology.)]

     Jackie Chan finally got a star on Hollywood's tourist trap sidewalk.  He said he wants to stop fighting and start becoming a "real actor."  Oh, Jackie, Go Take a Nap!  If you want to become a real actor, you're going to have to actually act, and if Rumble in the Bronx is any indication of what we can expect, you just keep on fighting.  Use that refrigerator and shopping cart to fend off bad guys, and whatever you do, don't make anymore of those damn Rush Hour movies.

     David Letterman isn't getting an expressway named after him.  Instead, he gets a road in Lawrence, Indiana.  The newly named David Drive intersects pre-existing Letterman Road.  Now you can say to your friend, "Hey, Mitch, meet me at the corner of David and Letterman."  Tee hee!  Good job city council of Lawrence, Indiana!

     Jamie Lynn Spears, 11 (you guessed it) is the younger sister of Britney.  She wants to do a lot of acting first, then get into singing.  So, she's technically not following her big sis's footsteps, because as we all know, Britney did a lot of singing first, then went on to acting.  Crossroads was a fantastic movie, BTW.  I think she's got a shot at stardom, frankly.  She looks like a mini-Britney.  It's almost like they cloned her.  Ooooooooooooooooooh.  Now there's an idea.  One Britney Spears for every man, woman, and child, coming right up!

     David Hasselhoff hit rock bottom in June.  He even said so himself.  He left a rehab center and drank an entire hotel minibar, and woke up in a hospital.  Now that's one lifeguard I don't want on duty!  Now, I've had my benders but I don't think I've ever woken up in a hospital.  In fact, I pass out before I can drink so much that I die.  Er.  There was that one time I threw up pure bile all day, but I didn't go to the hospital, and I didn't wake up from Going and Taking a Nap!

     Adam Ant waved an imitation pistol at pub-goers.  He suffered from a temporary mental illness while he did it.  That's perfect, you know.  Temporary mental illness gets you off the hook criminally, and the temporary part means you don't have to spend any time at the great white farm on the hill.  I bet one of the pub-goers egged him on.  Maybe called him Goody Two-shoes, or something.  Adam Ant, you need to calm down and Go Take a Nap!  You don't see Taco, Falco, or Gary Numan waving imitation pistols at pub-goers, do you?

     Bono is the most powerful musician, according to Q magazine.  I'm not sure what they mean by powerful, but it means making me want to eat lemons, he's sure the shit!

     And David Letterman may get an expressway in Indiana named after him.  That sounds like a bad idea.  You know he'll be whipping down his eponymous street at excessive speeds.  And if he gets pulled over, he'll just point to the road sign indicating it's named after him.  I think naming streets after people in an honorary fashion needs to Go Take a Nap!  Look at downtown Chicago.  All the streets are named The Honorable Some Damn Guy Way, and you look around for the real name of the street, you know, the one that corresponds to the map in your hands, and you end up walking to the Navy Pier when all you wanted to do was eat a cheezborger at that place made famous by Bill Murray on SNL.

     Mel Gibson wants to film Passion, a movie about the last 12 hours of the life of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus H. Christ.  The twist?  He wants the dialogue spoken solely in Latin and Aramaic, giving that credibility lacking in all the other Jesus movies.  Unfortunately for Mel, this also will lend a certain air of unwatchability, too, and I was a Latin major!  Mel, Go Take a Nap!  The movie-going public likes their movies in English.  And while I know a few people that can speak Latin, only the most eccentric Classicists bother speaking Aramaic anymore.

     The governor's race in California in 2006 could be Rob Reiner v. Arnold Schwarzenegger, or more affectionately as Meathead v. Terminator.  Wait!  That gives me an idea for a movie.  Imagine a slightly overweight proletarian with a balding problem who's dating the daughter of an extremely conservative robot assassin.  Now imagine a spin-off where the robot assassin owns a bar.  I think you're seeing it, right?  And if you beat me to filming it, Go Take a Nap!  Stealing my ideas isn't fair.

     Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson, in what potentially is the worst way to start off any sentence, have joined together their collective bad overacting and annoying faces to bring Starsky and Hutch to the silvern screen!  I don't know if you can give Razzies out to movies that haven't been filmed yet, but here is our chance.  And did anyone think this was a good idea when the show was in its original run?  How could this become a good idea now?  Let's get a resounding Go Take a Nap! for turning shitty TV shows into shittier movies.  The only TV show deserving its own movie is the Match Game.  I'll play Gene Rayburn, and Charles Nelson-Reilly and Marcia Wallace and Fannie Flag are all still alive, right?  What would the plot be?  How about some celebrities get sauced at CBS studios and hang out all day doing panel game shows?  I see Oscar on the horizon.

     "Jedi" and "Klingon" made the O.E.D.  When is "cockmuncher" or "dickmunch"?

     Barry White needs a kidney.  All men who ever slapped on one of his songs so they could slap their ding-dongs into a girl's hoo-ha should be in the donor lines.  Gonna have to have a big kidney, though.  Here's a rare chance to slip in my favorite kidney joke.  Q: How do you cook a kidney?  A: Put it in a pan and fry the piss out of it!

     And the so-called American Taliban, John Walker-Lindh, claims he loved the movie Malcolm X, and was really impressed by the scene where all the Muslims were praying in Mecca.  So why didn't you go to Mecca and pray, Johnny Reb?!?!  Afghanistan ain't anywhere near Mecca, and I don't remember the part in Malcolm X where they said Muslims should enlist in terrorist camps to attack your native land.

     Attack of the Clones is making its way to an IMAX theater within a plane ride of your house.  Now you'll feel like you're a part of the action as Yoda spins and flips around your head like a Mexican jumping bean.  And, I bet it won't cost too much more than when you saw it the first time around.  You did see it, right?  And you want to see it again, right?  And you want to see it really big, right?  Or maybe IMAX should Go Take a Nap!  Go see a Pink Floyd: The Wall laser light show instead.  You might see your dealer there.

     Christopher Reeve can wiggle his toes!  Did you hear me?  I said, CHRISTOPHER REEVE CAN WIGGLE HIS TOES!!!!!!  And he'll have you believe he can dance like Hammer if you inject his spine with fetuses.

     Hollywood, that magical, mystical land of magic mystics, is a major target of Al-Qaeda.  Why?  Because Al-Qaeda movies never get the publicity they deserve here.  In fact, the last three Al-Qaeda movies were snubbed by the Oscars.  Their movies are relegated to so-called "art houses" or other equally obscure venues that don't even have DOTS at the concession stands.  Al-Qaeda, Go Take a Nap!  We want you to enjoy Disney films, if for no other reason than that we'd like to sell you some tapes!  It's okay to have a collection of films at home that are your favorites.  Let Hollywood alone, you big, loose confederation of bullies!

     Nick Nolte, from near my hometown, was picked up in L.A. "drooling and droopy-eyed."  I think he was stuck in his Affliction character, but try telling that to the cops.  I can't find the picture on the Internet right now, but let's just say he lost his comb somewhere along the fall from the ugly tree, of which he hit every single branch.

     Warren Zevon has inoperable lung cancer, thanks to those great and widely enjoyed cigarettes.  He has a family, you know, but his main concern is that he get to see the new James Bond film before he dies.  I wonder if he'll take his family along?  Can I get a very large and resounding Go Take a Nap! for cigarettes, smokers, and tobacco companies?  I'm tired of smelling like an asshole when I get home from the bars.

     And Johnny Carson, a heavy smoker in the day, has emphysema.  He doesn't live anywhere, either.  He just floats around in the ocean on a really big yacht.  I mean, a really big yacht.  The kind you don't let your five-year-old nephew play with the steering or throttle.  Johnny, Go Take a Nap!  Get back into the public view so we can see how you're doing!  At least lob a call to the mainland now and then.

     Fox will produce American Candidate, like American Idol, which will weed out politician wannabes and select one to back with a full campaign.  They're looking for the Jesse Venturas of the world.  Indeed.  America, most powerful state in the universe, after looking like a country run by John Wayne, can't wait to be represented by a batshit nuts professional wrestler.  It need not be stated, but Fox, Go Take a Nap!

     It turns out Lance Bass isn't going to get to go into space after all.  Apparently, the Russians were a little upset that he never paid them any money.  Well, his sponsors didn't pay any money.  Why did he have sponsors?  They were going to turn his trip into a reality show, of course.  I have an idea for you fans of reality shows.  Why don't you Go Take a Nap!?  Or better yet, get off your ass, go outside, and walk around your neighborhood to get a dose of real reality.

     But Lance isn't out everything.  Ted Nugent offered to teach him how to hunt deer with bows and arrows on his Michigan land for only $1million.  Guitar lessons would be thrown in for free, too.  Hmmm...okay.  I guess I take back what I said about reality shows.  This is one show I'd really like to see.  It'd be good to watch Lance field dress a deer.

     Jerry Lewis' telethon raised a record $58.3million last weekend for the MDA.  I know, I know, I should be happy for him and all those people afflicted with muscular dystrophy.  But part of me wants to know why they haven't found a cure yet.  I mean, they've been raising money for decades, torturing Americans with no-talent has-been performers, and what's the result?  People are more willing than ever to donate their hard-earned cash.  MDA, Go Take a Nap!  Either you find a cure this year, or quit asking for money.

     Alas, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze, Jr. have wed.  I have nothing to say about this.  I'm too sad.  And I wasn't even invited to the wedding, which was held in a secret location in Mexico.  I'm assuming that rules out Tijuana.

     Welcome to a Labor Day special edition of Go Take a Nap!  I'm not shaving today or even masturbating today to honor of all the laborers across the country who do what they do.  Well, I'm not going to masturbate five times today like I did yesterday.  Sometimes your penis needs to rest, and I can't find any new human pony pr0nomonography on the Internet today.

     Are you watching American Idol?  If you are, can you tell me why the fuck you are?  Did you watch Star Search?  Why the fuck did you do that?  I'm guessing you also watch all of the Fox: Shit Gone Bad shows, too.  I mean, just because you have curly hair doesn't mean you get to let it grow out and sing and then get signed to a major label.  And where did Paula Abdul come from?  Didn't her career end ten years ago?  American Idol, please Go Take a Nap!  And don't you dare think about American Idol 2.

     N*SYNCer Lance Bass promises to sing in space!  It's going to be hard to sing with J.C. Chasez's dick in his mouth.  It'll also be hard to dance in space.  I hear there's no gravity up there, so how's he going to keep his feet on the floor?  Lance, maybe your space dream should Go Take a Nap!  It's not worth the trouble.

     Two troubling shows were announced, almost coterminous with each other.  One, The Real Beverly Hillbillies is the brainchild of CBS, and the other is The Real Green Acres by Fox.  If you haven't figured out the idea behind these shows, you're an idiot.  Then again, if you came up with the idea for these shows, you're a real dipshit.  Now, every water cooler in America is going to be surrounded by fat, club cracker eating, NASCAR loving, beanie baby collecting, ass smelling office workers who can't believe just how funny it was when the Real Granny made Real Possum Stew in her Real Mansion in the Real Beverly Hills.  I want to say this about Beverly Hills, though.  While I drove by Dom DeLuise's home, I didn't get the impression that things were all that hoity-toity there.  And who wants to spend twenty minutes driving up and down a mountain every day?  Go Take a Nap!

     Michael Bolton received his star on the Walk of Fame.  After all those letters and petitions I passed around, he's finally earned the respect he deserves.  I can't wait to go to Mann's Chinese Theater and see if my hands fit into the cement impressions of his own.  If they do, I'm going to learn piano.

     Britney Spears!  Yes, don't think I forgot her.  She gave a birthday cake and treble clef trophy to Michael Jackson for his 44th birthday on MTV's VMAs.  Just before handing him the goodies, she claimed that he was "artist of the millennium."  Now, I know she was referring to this millennium, not last millennium, because clearly the artist of the last millennium was one Mr. Hal Linden.  Mr. Linden was not, however, artist of last century.  That honor belongs to a Mr. Abe Vigoda.  And artist of last decade goes to Mr. Richard Dawson.  Artist of last year would have to be Mr. Tony Randall.  Best artist of all time?  That dude who painted American Gothic.

     Justin Timberlake says he doesn't make out with girls at bars.  This isn't too shocking, considering he's not into girls.  He went on to claim that he both laughs and cries when he hears about the rumors that he does make out with girls at bars.  Justin, Go Take a Nap!  That whole sensitive man of the 90s shit is getting stale.

     Allow me to peruse my notes here.  Lessee.  Britney Spears it is!  Fresh from who knows what, she says that smoking, drinking, and sex should not be that big of a deal for her.  Hey, Britney, I may not have the same discretionary income that Justin Timberlake does, but shit, I'll smoke and drink and have sex with you.  I mean, I'm your man!  I'm also into adult babies and human ponies, so maybe you can change my diapers while I ride you around my apartment, too.  What else did she have to say?  "As you get to 20, you grow up, you experiment.  You feel more comfortable in your own skin."  It's at this point where any number of far-too-obvious jokes can be inserted, but let's stick with the first one that came to mind: And I'd feel comfortable in your skin, too!  What else did she say?  "Who cares if I've had sex?"  I bet good ole gun-waving daddy cares.  If he brandishes his pistol (hay-o) at fun-loving, innocent fans, just think what he might do to Justin!  Britney, you are one celebrity that I honestly never, ever, never, ever want to Go Take a Nap!  You help me every week just by existing.

     Matt Damon admires Ang Lee, he said in a not-so-subtle hint that he'd like to be in Ang's movies.  Do you think this means Damon and Affleck have broken up?  And let's hope he doesn't admire Ang Lee in the same way he admired Jude Law in The Talented Mr. Ripley.  That could get messy.

     John Forsythe, 84, best known as Blake Carrington from Dynasty, remarried last week to Nicole Carter, 62.  I've heard about Granny porn on the Internet, but I didn't know anyone actually performed it.  I think society as a whole, not only for the sake of common decency, but mostly for the safety of our own children, should tell anyone desiring marriage after the age of, say, 40, to Go Take a Nap!  You had your chances, John, and you fucked it all up.  Now get back to your commode and watch Matlock.

     There's penis puppetry in Los Angeles, and it's not the kind of puppetry you're thinking of.  I know you're thinking one penis is Abraham Lincoln, and the other is Stephen Douglas, right?  Well, you're wrong.  One penis is the Eiffel Tower and another is a hamburger, and maybe another is the Loch Ness Monster, and you get to see this all projected onto a 16' screen.  I'm not sure what the price of admission is, but I'm guessing you better take some extra quarters with you.  Can I get a Go Take a Nap! for penis puppetry?  Are people getting paid for what sent Pee Wee Herman's career into the shitter?

     Jason Priestley was injured when his racecar struck a wall at 180mph.  Let me go out on a limb and declare auto racing one of the activities people should avoid.  Downhill skiing is also fairly dangerous, lion taming, coal mining, and diving into piranha pits with steaks strapped to your face.

     It's been a rough few weeks for Britney Spears.  She was booed in Mexico City for cutting a show short, Justin Timberlake has been seen partying with other women, her dad pulled a gun on some fans, and there are rumors that she's drowning out her sorrows with a little friend of mine called booze.  You know, even with all the crazy, hectic, and maddening foibles Britney finds herself in, I'd still put my penis in/on her.

     I think M. Night Shyamalan needs to Go Take a Nap!  His recent endeavor, Signs, was a rotten two hours of nothingness, and then there was no surprise ending!  I was hoping that the aliens would turn out to be Mel Gibson's in-laws.  And what does M stand for?  It's certainly not Movie.

     Jeremy Irons cleaned up around his area in a Dublin airport bar.  He claimed he didn't have anything better to do, and the place was a mess, so he decided to pitch in.  Way to go!  Good thing he wasn't still in his Claus von Bulow character.

     Keith Richards is upset that Mick Jagger accepted his "paltry" knighthood, and that he should've held out for lordship.  By accepting knighthood, Richards claims, Mick is lumping himself in with the other knights, Elton John and Paul McCartney.  Can I get a Go Take a Nap! for Keith?  When the royal family is handing out titles, you take what you can get.  You don't wait for the right title to come along, because you may never get another chance.  And let me tell you, it's no slight to be lumped with Elton John!

     Charlton Heston, 77, admitted that he has preliminary signs of Alzheimer's Disease.  "For an actor," Chuck said, "there is no greater loss than the loss of his audience."  I would say the biggest loss for an actor would be his memory, but then again, I'm no actor.  Let's hope that when he Goes and Takes a Nap! that he remembers where his hairpiece is and no matter what Gore Vidal says, Ben-Hur wasn't gay.

     Serena Williams, tennis behemoth, wants to try acting.  It just goes to show you it's all about desire.  If you truly want something in life, you will attain it with a little hard work.  And if you're an accomplished actor, why not try professional tennis?  But seriously, athletes as actors needs to Go Take a Nap!  This is why we have Kazaam.

     This week's Go Take a Nap! is coming to you live from Chicago!  It's going to be live in Chicago for probably at least the next three years.

     Britney Spears' father, Jamie Spears, pulled a gun on four teenage girls in his driveway on July 14th.  Erica, one of the teenage girls, said she "certainly didn't expect Britney Spears' father to pull a gun on [her]."  Jamie Spears defended his actions this way: "They were in my driveway."  The girls said he was "very angry" and "very scary".  Sounds like someone needs to Go Take a Nap!  And I'm not talking about me.

     Otis Ferry, son of Bryan Ferry of Roxy Music, was arrested because he was protesting in favor of fox hunting near Tony Blair's constituency home.  I'm not sure what a constituency home is, and I'm not sure what people do with foxes once they get them anymore.  Do the Brits cut the tails off and stick them on their car antennas?  Is it necessary to have a whole cavalry unit to capture a fox?  Is it cruel if a dog bites a fox in the woods?  Does the pope eat Polish sausages?  I guess I'm too modern, because I think fox hunting needs to Go Take a Nap!  But if a chef can make a good head cheese or blood pudding with fox guts, I'm all for it!

     Josh Randall, an actor who plays Dr. Mike Burton on Ed, was arrested for smoking crack in a public Brooklyn park with a homeless man.  Hey.  I don't know why that's illegal.  It's such a victimless crime and someone's got to smoke the homeless up, right?  Where the government fails us, thank God we have no-talent actors to fill the cracks!

     Julia Child, to everyone's surprise, is NOT dead.  In fact, she turned 90, and celebrated with "lots of wine and butter".  I guess if I turn 90, I'd like to celebrate the same way, except I'd like to have a little salt and pepper with my butter.

     Jennifer Aniston says Brad Pitt is a goofball, and he wants seven (7) kids.  Hmmm...Brad Pitt wants seven (7) kids.  One for each deadly sin, right?  Brad, just make sure you keep an eye on your wife at all times!  You never know when Kevin Spacey is going to put her head in a cardboard box and make you drive to a desert to find it!

     Ted Turner, that loveable media mogul, is suing slave descendants on an island off the coast of South Carolina because they're living on land he bought in the mid 1970's.  I guess when it comes to islands, Turner likes to de-colorize them.  Can I get a Go Take Nap! for Ted?  You own more acres of land in the U.S. than the Catholic church!

     Samuel L. Jackson will no longer look at any screenplays that feature a rapper in a leading role.  He claimed that there were plenty of accomplished black actors who should be starring instead of a no-talent rapper who had a good agent.  Samuel, you need to Go Take a Nap!  Movies with rappers are fantastic, and so is the music.  And how can rappers develop their acting chops if you don't let them try?  It's a real Catch-22.

     Donahue's ratings are plummeting on MSNBC.  I say he's in the wrong time slot.  He should be competing against Oprah and Maury.  What latch-key teenager and child-burdened homemaker wouldn't want to hear his pithy opinions on modern problems from 3:00pm to 4:00pm?  Oh, wait.  That's my favorite hour to Go Take a Nap!

     Executives are sweating that the new Britney Spears album has only sold 3.7 million copies, down 5.2 million copies from her previous album.  It probably marks the death knell of her entire career.  Next thing you know, her boobs will fall off and her ass will sag and Justin Timberlake will be outed by Aaron Carter.

     John Travolta is building some ridiculous compound called Jumbolair in Florida that will have an airplane runway which will be able to land a 747 jet.  The reason?  He is an accomplished pilot and needs to fly to Scientology conferences at the drop of a hat!  Doesn't he know that L. Ron Hubbard swore you could find eternal salvation by the good Word of Dianetics alone?  And why didn't he make the runway big enough to handle a Space Shuttle landing?  Or what about when the Psychlos want to land?

     Liza Minelli is in preliminary talks with VH1 to do a reality show following her life much like The Osbournes.  What, they couldn't get Rosemary Clooney?  I suppose this will be just like The Osbournes, except without the swearing.  Is it me or are teleplay writers losing their creativity at a geometric rate?  I wish reality shows would Go Take a Nap!  Is your own life so vapid that you need someone else's to empathize with?

     And I hear Sharon Osbourne has lymphatic cancer which has spread to her colon.  Yada-yada I wish her luck and I hope she recovers, but the only reason anyone cares is because of that damn show.  And don't you think Viacom execs are rubbing their hands in greedy anticipation of the increased ratings when she goes through her chemotherapy?  Oh, I suppose Sharon will help to raise awareness of cancer, because no one knows about cancer or its potential for killing.

     Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have their own sportswear clothing at Wal-mart now.  I couldn't fit into any of it, which is okay.  I'm not really into being active outside now that it's always 100 degrees.  I used to think the Olsen twins were like kittens in that you'd always want them to stay small and cute and never change.  Change is good.

     The AOL/Time Warner congloberation is starting to use pop-up television ads during regular programming because people flip channels during normal commercial spots.  This coming from the same man who claims to love movies and restores old films and colorizes them.  But I suppose when you're a multi-multi-millionaire media mogul who needs a little spare cash for rainy days, you'll run a pop-up ad during Citizen Kane for roses and sleds at the end of the movie.  I should be more mad about this, but I've got a new tactic: I don't watch TV anymore.  So you advertisers can Go Take a Nap!  I'm not watching.

     Dear Bob Barker had some surgery of some kind for an enlarged prostate gland.  I didn't see any details about what exactly it was that they did to the enlarged prostate.  Do you think they got that shrink-o ray gun from that Rick Moranis movie and shoved it up his ass?  Or do you think they cut half of it away?  Or does the doctor merely squeeze it with his hands until it compresses back to a normal size?

     Michael Jackson and George Michael both this week (in separate rantings) accused the media and whatnot of creating a conspiracy against them.  Michael because everyone calls him a gay child molester and George just because he's gay.  I gotta say this, Jacko and George: the media created you and now that they don't like you, you can Go Take a Nap!  Air your dirty laundry out on someone who cares.

     Rumblings and mumblings abound about the new Batman vs. Superman movie.  Yeah, I've heard the whole theory about how Batman will use his brain against the brawn of Superman.  Can I be the voice of reason here?  Can I suggest that Superman would palm Batman's skull, crisply flick the top half off with his fingernails, and use his freaky laser vision to give Bruce Wayne a frontal lobotomy quicker than you can say box office bonanza!  And what are they fighting over?  Their clothing designer?  A girl?  Publishing rights?  This entire project needs to Go Take a Nap!

     And here's a big deal: Sesame Street in South Africa is going to add an HIV positive Muppet to their cast this year because the whole country has AIDS.  I guess that's a good idea.  If you cut a Muppet, does it not bleed?  If you finger a Muppet, does it not laugh?  If you have unprotected sex with a Muppet, does it not contract STDs?

     The WWE (once the WWF) has seen their ratings plummet in the 12-17 demographic.  Why?  Because the Rock has gone on to do movies.  It's good to know that kids these days recognize a true hero to idolize.  Look at the Rock!  He's a great inspiration to the living.  His body, filled with steroids, and his shrunken testicles and mantits are what every tween boy should be!  I haven't seen a lot of kids running around with Lycra panties, though, so the fan base hasn't matured to the true idolatry yet.  So, Vince McMahon, you better get ready for your bank account to Go Take a Nap!  The XFL was a bomb and now the WWE is a big pile of soiled baby diapers.

     Martha Stewart, that frigid bitch women love to emulate, has shockingly come under scrutiny for insider trading.  Her company's stock value has taken the proverbial nose dive, and G-men are everywhere.  But do you think she'll stop making chiffon drapes for doghouses?  Or what about exotic herbal teas?  Martha will never, and I mean never, Go Take a Nap!  She's got too much fight in her.

     Miss Cleo took the Fifth.  Apparently she didn't want to have to answer questions about her real name or birthplace.  I imagine the interrogation would've gone something like this.

Prosecutor: What's your name?
Miss Cleo: Miss Cleo.
Prosecutor: Where are you from?
Miss Cleo: Jamaica, mon.
Prosecutor: Really?  Because I've got your birth certificate here that says you're Youree Harris from California.
Miss Cleo: Go Take a Nap!

     Brian Grazer, the producer of Eminem's upcoming movie, 8 Mile, says he looks like Stallone from Rocky, in that his performance is Oscar-worthy.  I can't wait for the acceptance speech.

     Oh, no!  Bill Maher has just left the radar screen!  Who will fill his shoes?  America needs some witty-yet-thoughtful-and-socially-concerned banter from pseudo-celebrities who've got a lot to say.  Let's cross our collectively subconscious fingers for syndication.

     Yes, I've been away from the typing for a whole month now.  I was hoping that the celebrities would quit their antics if I quit writing about them.  This week's special: married celebrities.

     So, Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are married now.  I'm thinking he'll be snorting cocaine off of her silicone jangs pretty often.  You think?  Or possibly the crack of her buttocks?  I tell you what.  They're most definitely not going to Go Take a Nap when there's a whole lot of coked-up sex to be had.

     Tea Leoni and David Duchovny had a baby.  I think that was only a matter of time, really.  I mean, you know old Mulder was trying to fill her up with babies at least five times a day.  But now that he's done the job, I think it's time for David to Go Take a Nap!  You need to rest up for baby number two!

     Matthew Lillard, that guy who is in every FP, J. movie, and FP, J. stands for Freddie Prinze, Jr., and SMG stands for sub-machine gun, well, he had a baby, too.  I would've guessed it was FP, J.'s butt baby, but old Matty hoodwinked some chick to marry him, allegedly.  Its name?  Addison Grace Lillard.  Lessee here.  Addison Grace.  Do you think Matty is a Chicago Cubs fan by chance?  Will their next baby be named Waveland Sandberg Lillard?  Or how about Racine Sutcliffe Lillard?  Or Halsted Sosa Lillard?  Good gravy, Matty, Go Take a Nap!  Being a fan doesn't mean you have to ruin your baby for life.

     And speaking of Scooby Doo, I hear there is a sequel in the works.  I hope they revive Momma Cass and Davey Jones and Batman for the sequel.  The villain should be played by Hal Linden and Charles Nelson-Reilly, and the plot should be about a spooky candy factory where ghosts are seen on a regular basis.

     And can I get a Go Take a Nap for DVD reviews?  Who gives a shit if there's good or bad director's commentary or Quebec French subtitles?  Or will the original theatrical trailer be somewhere in the mix?

     Well, well, well.  Dionne Warwick got caught with a joint at an airport.  Now, far be it from me to suggest what drugs people should or should not partake of, but isn't the airport the one place (besides your own funeral) that you wouldn't want to have a joint?  What?  I mean, all flights are non-smoking, right?  And was she planning on sparking up in the little glass jails they have for the tobacco smokers?  Or had she just come from a NORML fundraiser?  Dionne, as much as I like your interpretations of Burt Bacharach tunes, your drug antics need to Go Take a Nap!

     Nicole Kidman and Toby Maguire are not dating, according to Nicole Kidman and Toby Maguire.  Good for them.  They deserve to not be dating each other.  I mean, one's a vegan and the other is a Scientologist.  Can you imagine the bickering?  I hear onions are good for bone density, though.  Maybe I should look into it.

     And, of course, I saw the most anticipated prequel of the entire year, Missing in Action 2 this week.  While many have criticized the dialogue for being sappy or trite, and the inevitable difficulties in trying to build suspense in a movie which has a foreknown future, I think director Lance Hool really helped to connect the dots between the dedicated POW Colonel Braddock to the Colonel Braddock we all loved and knew in the first Missing in Action, who came back to Vietnam to dish out some serious Justice American-style.  The final piece of this trilogy is slated to be as exciting and alluring as the first two, and I for one, cannot wait.  It seems it has become fashionable by movie critics to bash the trilogy for its overabundance of special effects and lack of substance, but I find this trend to be merely a reflection of jealousy.  Movie critics, Go Take a Nap!  It's a good movie!

     The big news in the Industry has to be the whole Bill Clinton wanting an NBC talk show for $50 BILLION/yr.  Okay.  Yeah.  You got that?

     Viacom wants to produce the first all-gay channel.  What's that?  Charles Nelson-Reilly and Richard Simmons and Paul Lynde doing K-Y commercials?  Or will there be a Queer as Folk marathon?  Are Martha Stewart, Liza Minelli, and Barbara Streisand invited?  Will there be a Fisting for Dollars show?  What about a...fuck it.  Go Take a Nap!

     David Letterman is rumored to be in line for the Early Show.  Who gives a shit?  Do you think he needs the work?  Do you think he wants the work?  He left his job as a weatherman to get away from that banal banter.  CBS execs, Go Take a Nap!  No one thinks this will work.

     And in the art is funnier than fart category, several fans, that is several thousands of fans, of Slipknot, the damn hardcore band, have been sending nasty emails to the knitting ladies of slipknot.com, a site with a quarterly magazine devoted to knitting.  Let me be the first to tell all of the prepubescent, pimpled, angry white teens that this is UNCOOL, and Go Take a Nap!  Knitting is a lost art form that needs to be revived.  How else would you acquire those cool punk rock beanies?

     This was a slow week in the Industry.  Plus, I drank too much last night.  So this is going to be short and shweeeet.

     In addition to there being a Honeymooners movie in the works, now Hawaii Five-O will be turned into an hour and 40 minutes of unwatchable cinema.  Too bad Jack Lord is dead or else he could be making a cameo!  I just wish all this TV-to-movie madness would Go Take a Nap!  Granted, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan was based on a TV show, but that movie rocked!

     AOL Time Warner reported a loss of $54.2 BILLION this year, and the reason was because of the expense of AOL buying Time Warner.  Hmm...I guess I'm wondering why I didn't think of that first.  I could've just thrown the whole thing on my Visa, and reported a personal loss of $54.2 billion, right?  I bet that would be good for my taxes.  I'd probably get money back.  AOL, your stupid ISP needs to Go Take a Nap!  Oh, and start living within your means.

     G4, the 24-hour video game channel, started its broadcast with one full week, yes, one full week, 24 hours a day, of Pong.  I want to know if it's live or not.  Because if it's taped, I'll be pissed.  And I want to meet the players.  Do you think they ever get to Go Take a Nap!  Or is it Guinness World Record thing?  Here's to hoping the second week of programming is at least in color.  Maybe a Donkey Kong marathon?

     Whoopi is leaving center square on Hollywood Squares.  Oh, no.  Not that.  Anything but that.  You see, when she leaves, that means patter-writer Bruce Vilanch will move on in, and he, as hard to believe as it is, is worse that Whoopi.  I know Paul Lynde is dead, but couldn't they do that Frankenstein thing with his corpse and shoot him with lightning into his neck and...well, if they could do that, why can't they bring Gene Rayburn back to life?  Or Hal Linden?

     There will be an MTV movie parodying the Real World starring (drum roll) Real World cast members!  Is this a case of art imitating life imitating art?  I guess not.  There's no art to be found in such a mess.  MTV execs, Go Take a Nap!  We want more Osbournes, nothing else!  We want unintelligible swearing and we want it now!

     James Gandolfini wants to play Ralph Kramden in the Honeymooners movie.  James, take some advice from one in the know, and steer clear of that stink bomb of a rehash.  And would you mind letting Tony Soprano and the whole show Go Take a Nap!?  The sheen rubbed off after the first season, and now it's a trite, vapid, and contrived soap opera.

     Robert Blake killed his wife!  He may be innocent until proven guilty in the American courts, but in the court of public opinion: get the cyanide pellets ready!  He was good in Lost Highway, though.

     I knew I was right.  Even Ewan McGregor called The Phantom Menace "kind of flat" this week.  Of course, it was also kind of lame, kind of stupid, and kind of vapid, kind of insipid, boring, slow, childish, overproduced, over-hyped, idiotic, clichéd, uninteresting, predictable, racially questionable, unendurable, a waste of time, and unfortunate.  But does this mean I'm going to stay home and not watch Attack of the Clones?  Probably not.  But I do wish George Lucas and his Lucasfilm crap machine would Go Take a Nap!  Why can't his movies be better?  Why do I keep paying to see them?

     Goldmember it is!  MGM and the estate of Albert Broccoli have agreed to an agreement!  Austin Powers 3 will be called Goldmember in exchange for New Line Cinema's tacking on of MGM trailers to some of it's distributed movies.  Trailers to be shown include Die Another Day and The Two Towers: Lord of the Rings Trilogy Part II Episode II Yes There Will be a Third Movie and YOU WILL WATCH IT.  This is another situation where everyone involved needs to Go Take a Nap!  Who gives two shits about what the movie is called?  As long as there is a midget with funny hair running around punching regular-sized people in their crotches, I'm a happy camper.

     Kid Rock gets his shot at Pamela Anderson.  I know he'll probably be upset by this, but who wants to get sloppy seconds after Tommy Lee's been plowin' dat ass?

     James Caan will take a stab at situational comedy on a Fox-produced pilot.  That's a good career move.  He was hilarious in Eraser and The Godfather: Part II (remember that final scene, when he and Abe Vigoda came back to life).

     And for you gamers out there, your long wait for your own television channel will quickly come to an end, like Mario jumping into a pit of lava, on April 24th.  G4, the gamers 24-hour channel will blast onto a conveyor belt with cement pies and hammers and barrels with flames and a ladder and a spring to jump on.  I'm guessing this whole channel will Go Take a Nap! not too much after it's inception.  Unless, of course, it's just one big advertisement, which it most likely will be.

     There will be six (6) more The Price is Right prime-time specials, given the success of the recent 30th Anniversary Special.  I got a funny idea here.  If the show is so successful during prime time, that means that people would want to watch it, right?  So why don't people watch it WHEN IT'S ON?  You know, like at 10:00am, just before The Young and the Restless?  Hell, why not tape it, and then you can skip the mershes (mersh is insider talk for "commercial").  People of America, Go Take a Nap!  Watch your shows at their normal times.

     Six (6) lifeless idiots have already lined up at Mann's Chinese Theater in Los Angeles in anticipation of Attack of the Clones.  That means they will spend nearly two months doing nothing.  I get the impression that they would be doing something similar if not waiting in line.  These fools are the flaky scabs of wounds which are healed and need to be scraped off and either eaten or thrown to the ground or maybe saved in a jar.  Oh, and they need to also Go Take a Nap!

     Phil Donahue will return to television.  Is the caller there?  More importantly, is the audience there?  I'm not sure if America is ready for another smug talking head that thinks it knows what's right and what's wrong, and what we should be doing about it.  And I want Phil's legacy to be his daytime show.  I want to remember him going out on top, retiring in his prime, and...losing the ratings wars to Geraldo Rivera.

     R. Kelly supposedly has been caught on tape engaging in "explicit sexual activity" with a 14-year-old sweetie.  I guess when R. Kelly drives around in his Pontiac Vibe, he's not just making smoothies, but MAKING IT WITH SMOOTHIES.

     (Insert rim shot here.)

     Looks like it was a bad week for Britney Spears.  First she lets on that she's no longer dating Justin Timberlake by saying that she wasn't in an "intense relationship" with anyone.  Then she gets booed at the premiere of Crossroads in London because she didn't intermingle herself amongst the screaming, bad-toothed fans there.  And then there's the commonly held misconception that she and Prince William will start dating.  Trading Justin Timberlake in for Prince William probably won't do her any good.  I mean, it's never good to jump from gay boy to gay boy, is it?  Poor Britney, you need to Go Take a Nap!  You've had a rough past few days and it's starting to show, so get another boob job.

     In this week's tasteless joke category: I guess she really is Queen Mum now!

     There is a Honeymooners movie in the works, and let me be the first to suggest that lovable curmudgeon Ralph Kramden should be played by none other than lovable lummox John Goodman!  Bang!  Zoom!  Box office all the way to the moon!

     I'd type some more but I'm going to go have a bender.

     Britney Spears is going to open a restaurant called Pinky on East 41st street.  It will be a "moderately priced American bistro."  I can't help but think of that Three's Company spin-off whenever I hear the word "bistro".  I don't think I'm going to eat at Pinky, though.  I only eat immoderately priced American bistro foodstuffs, and thus, the whole damn restaurant, its chef, the diners, and even the sous chef can all Go Take a Nap!

     Nicole Kidman says she gets panic attacks in public.  I wonder if she gets them when she's in private.  You know, like on the crapper.  I had one once on the crapper when I realized I was shitting my brains out.  So, Nicole, take two and call me in the morning, after you Go Take a Nap!

     There will be a Wide World of Disney movie about Prince William, that prince who will be queen someday, but he won't be in it.  Instead, he will be portrayed by an actor.  I'm hoping for Ozzy Osbourne, frankly.

     Lance Bass, after his bold debut in On the Line, was recently in Moscow to do physical tests in anticipation of being the first entertainer in space.  Here I thought Michael Jackson beat him to that, what with his moonwalking and all.  Maybe he can also be the first entertainer to Go Take a Nap in space.

     Wynton Marsalis called rap a "modern-day minstrel show" at a podium somewhere at a school this week.  I don't know what to think about that.  I mean, I don't like rap music a whole lot, but calling it a minstrel show is giving it too much credit.  At least minstrel shows have some sort of tuneful minstrelsy about them.  And where is there art in singing black melodies if you aren't wearing blackface?  Wynton, Go Take a Nap!  I think modern-day rap could learn a little from those old-timey minstrels.

     Oprah announced she will quit her show in 2006.  The countdown has begun.  Which overweight woman will replace her?  Paula Poundstone?  I guess I'm pining for the olden days when there used to be afternoon game shows on instead of relationship experts.  But Oprah, Go Take a Nap when you're done, because you'll deserve it.  And what's up with your booty?  My friend, Charles, say it's way bigger in real life than on TV.

     Miss Cleo has been proven to be actress Youree Harris of California, not Jamaica.  What this means, I don't know.  It's not like she can't pretend to be Jamaican when you talk to her on the phone.  That's what acting is all about.  Sometimes I act like someone else when I talk on the phone, too.  I've even been on TV before pretending to be someone else.  So what's the big deal?

     I see there was a new trailer for Attack of the Clones, and I must admit, it looks damn neat.  There will be deception, special effects, Yoda, a bunch of new characters, and even a little bit of a love story.  Plus, there will be light-saber battles and some flying around through some difficult passageways and there will be internal fighting between major characters.  I even heard there will be some sort of plot twist or surprise.  I'm going!

     And did you see Sorority Boys hit the silver screen this week?  I don't think I want to go.  I don't want to sit next to some masturbating transvestite while I'm trying to enjoy the slapstick comedy of Barry Watson, whose work I absolutely love on 7th Heaven.  So, masturbating transvestites, Go Take a Nap!  You can whackoff at home to M*A*S*H* reruns.

     Is anyone thinking what I'm thinking?  I'm thinking that Jason Williams, the ex-NBA player whose 40-acre compound was recently featured on MTV's Cribs, blew his limo driver away with a shotgun.  Now, normally that would imply some sort of prison sentence, but do you think he and his money will buy himself a Get-Out-of-Jail-for-a-Lot-of-Money Card?  I hope not.  I hope he Goes and Takes a Nap in jail!  You shouldn't blow away the help.  They will do the jobs you don't want to do.  Of course, there are a lot of Chinamen left.

     Roger Moore says Ewan McGregor would be a good James Bond.  Jeez!  Roger, Go Take a Nap!  We don't want that singing and dancing fancy lad OHMSS.  I mean, can you picture James Bond serenading a Bond Babe with a mish-mash of Elton John and Paul McCartney phrases?  Or did I just reinvent cinema there?

     Some Oscar voters are saying that they don't want to vote for A Beautiful Mind because the protagonist, John Nash, was an anti-Semite.  Oscar voters, Go Take a Nap!  I'm pretty sure Gandhi was an anti-Semite, too, but you voted him Best Picture of 1982!

     Christopher Reeve, that Superman equestrian rider, is for stem-cell research.  I wonder why.  Is he trying to prevent Lex Luthor from developing evil stem-cells first?  Christopher, you need to pipe down and Go Take a Nap!  Don't you know that stem-cell research is harmful to babies?  And it hurts Baby Jesus the most!

     Jerry Seinfeld is building his own private 20-stall garage near his apartment on the Upper-West Side.  Why?  Because he needs a place to park all 20 of his Porsches!  I don't know where he grew up or what kind of upbringing he was raised with, but where I come from, one Porsche is enough!  Jerry, you and your damn cars can Go Take a Nap!  When was the last time you drove Porsche No. 16?

     Finally, Jack Daniels is in talks with NBC to air the first hard-liquor television commercials in 50 years.  Look out, America!  As soon as those ads hit the TV, we'll all be drunks, especially underage teens!

     Sometimes I think I could do an entire weekly column on Britney Spears and/or Justin Timberlake.  This week, it was announced that Britney will star in her own new video game debuting on the X-Box, then PlayStation 2, and then the Game Boy Advance.  She will be wearing a leather cat suit, and the goal will be to "keep up with her dance moves."  Let's see, dancing and leather cat suits...hmm.  I guess I'll buy it.  But can I just say that all these next-generation console systems need to Go Take a Nap!?  I want one super-duper kickass machine that plays all the games so I don't have to spend a zillion dollars just to waste my life.

     John Madden, that lovable lummox who likes to yell and ride in buses and pimp Ace Hardware, has quit Fox's NFL broadcasts and moved on to greener (as in more money) pastures with Monday Night Football.  If nothing else, his loud yelling will keep me from Going and Taking a Nap when the games are 35-0 at halftime.  It is sad that Dennis Miller will be leaving, because I miss listening to his Byzantine pseudo-intellectual pop culture references that make you go "hmm."

     Friends will finally have it's last season.  Is it too much to ask that their careers all Go Take a Nap afterwards?  But tell Jennifer Aniston to watch out with her hubby.  I hear he's depressed about being a celebrity and all that money makes his life hard.  If I were writing the teleplay for the final episode, I'd make that monkey come back and eat their brains out.

     David Letterman was in talks about switching to ABC, and this would leave poor Ted Koppel dangling out in the wind like a cum-filled tube sock.  If Nightline leaves the airwaves, how will all the middle-aged men fall asleep?

     Finally, I was at a banquet dinner the other night, and have you noticed that the same damn plate of food gets served no matter what city you're in, what the event is, or who is catering?  It's always an unidentifiable piece of overcooked chicken meat, slathered in a particularly unsavory sauce, some new potatoes with rosemary, steamed green beans, and baby carrots.  And the salad course?  When did it become in vogue for salads and dressings become sweet?  I don't want fruit in my salad, or else it's a goddamned fruit salad!  And the problem is, you haven't eaten much because you think the dinner will be big and good, but it's not, but you're hungry, and you eat it all even though it's no good, no good at all.  Whatever happened to prime rib, mashed potatoes, and some of that meat on a stick with the tangy sauce?  Or even a nice lasagna?  And when did the soup course vanish?

     I saw Britney Spears' belly button last Friday night in the great new coming-of-age road movie, Crossroads.  And while I remember very little of it being drunk and drinking, I think I remember liking it.  What I'm a little upset about is that I heard a scene was cut at the end of the movie where they all show their tits to each other after they win the karaoke contest.  Is it so much to ask that this scene be left in?  I doubt it would make the movie an NC-17, since other tits have been in other R-rated movies, and Britney's tits certainly aren't real, so what's the big whoop here?

     What was horrible about Crossroads was surely Dan Aykroyd, who manages to pull off his worst acting since My Girl 2.  It's safe to say that he and his whole drama career need to Go Take a Nap!  And let's see, Nothing But Trouble was a pretty shitty experience, too.  So, Dan, maybe you just need to entirely Go Take a Nap!  Is it even possible that you were funny and entertaining at one point?  It seems like decades ago that you were putting fish in a blender and drinking it and then that anorexic woman said "That's good bass" or whatever.

     It's Oscar time!  Well, not quite.  It's time to guess who'll win those Oscars, though.  And while some of the industry insiders think they've got their stone cold lock predictions, I have a few predictions of my own.  Someone will wear an ugly dress, and then someone will talk about it the next day!  Then there will be a doddering old man who rants about this that and the other thing and the state of the industry.  And then I'll drink too much and throw up on my own bed because all of the winning movies are movies that I hate.  Oscars, Go Take a Nap!  I'm tired of being a dysfunctional alcomoholic.

     Oooh.  Haha.  I guess there are some anti-Oscars, too!  They're called the Razzies, and they go to bad movies!  Whooeee!  Does Bruce Vilanch write patter for those, too?  I bet Glitter wins a Razzie!  Do people have to get invited to the ceremony?  Can I go?  I'd write some patter that would make your diapers full!  Or, maybe it would just make you Go Take a Nap!

     So, Miss Cleo, that rasta-woman psychic who tells women that they're pregnant or that their dead husbands still love them beddy beddy much, is being sued not only by the state of Florida, but also the FTC for some sort of false something.  They've subpoenaed her for her birth certificate to prove she's from Jamaica, but rumor has it that her real name is Youree Harris and that she's an...ACTRESS!  I don't care if she's a shaman or not.  I like those commercials!  FTC and Florida, call off your suits and Go Take a Nap!

          And thank God that the Real World XII location has been announced.  They will have their own place in the Palms resort just off of the Strip!  Anyone have any ideas for what they should do for jobs?  I can't wait until they all go get drunk and gamble the dog food money!  But, I must admit I am a little jealous.  Who wouldn't want to live in a hotel?  Those minority ladies will make your bed and sometimes they leave a mint!

     Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, and Julia Roberts have all been named the most bankable by Industry executives.  Well, I guess I'd have to agree if by bankable you mean overproduced, overacted, low on plot, and low in originality.  How often do we have to see them all play the same people?  I guess old Tom Hanks did pull a stretch there by being retarded for awhile, but was that really so much of a stretch?  (I've been to that lighthouse he ran to as a retarded person, BTW, and you can see a picture of it in my Maine photos.)  Industry execs, Go Take a Nap!  I don't want bankable, I want fucky!

     Britney Spears' new Pepsi mersh (that's insider lingo for commercial) was the #1 recorded, rewound, and replayed part of the Super Bowl broadcast, according to TiVo research.  Is it just me, or is no one asking the pertinent question "Should TiVo have access to this information in the first place?"  I guess it's just expected in today's society to be polled, surveyed, grouped, and stereotyped.  But if it keeps getting us more Britney Spears movies, like Crossroads, I'm all for it.  Britney, don't Go Take a Nap!  We need you awake all the time so you can move around and pet cats and things.

     Britney Spears has won the Fun Fearless Female Award given by Cosmopolitan.  I just have one thing to say to you Britney, as the fun fearless female that you are: You better start fearing my immense penis or at least start giving it some respect and lip service.  Ooops!  That was dirty.

     Arnold Schwarzenegger says he'd like to be California Governor Schwarzenegger, but he's got to make Terminator 3 and True Lies 2 first.  Well, Arnie, as long as you'll be doing something important, that's fine.  But if you hold off your run at American politics to make a sequel to Twins, you better Go Take a Nap!  And if you get any bright ideas about running for president, just remember you have to be born in America, so I don't know what you'll have to do about that, but there's really no way an actor would ever be elected president anyway, especially if they ever starred in a monkey movie.

     MGM, the movie conglomerate that owns the James Bond franchise, except for that horrid Never Say Never Again movie, has won a court battle over the name of the new Austin Powers movie.  It seems that the Goldmember title was considered too harsh of a parody, or something.  Ahem.  Can anyone say Octopussy?  How in the hell can one movie be named Octopussy, and another not be called Goldmember?  They could've called it Goldcock, or Goldenshower or Goldencooter, AFAIC.  So, MGM, and actually, I'm going to go out on a limb here and include all of the James Bond franchise, Go Take a Nap!  I've seen all those movies eighteen times and only about three of them are worth watching.  Oh, and Austin Powers 2, you need to Go Take a Nap, too.  That movie sucked hard, and was derivative of itself.

     In a surprise move, Fox has pulled The Chamber from its lineup.  I don't know why.  I mean, watching people burn while strapped to a chair is pretty good TV.  I think that a new twist or two should be added for next season, like maybe see how many questions they can answer right before they get anally impaled with a hot, sharp, olive spear.

     Stephen King says he might quit writing books in 2002.  Well, dammit, you can't quit, Stephen!  You haven't written enough books yet.  There aren't enough Gunslinger books, in the very least.  And what about some more scary books?  I like the books where the ghosts bite people while they sleep.  Stephen, you and your big quitter plans to quit need to Go Take a Nap!  Give us more monster movies!  Farts in Atlanta was good toilet material.

     Harold Ramis, who hasn't done worthy shit since playing Egon in Ghostbusters, thinks Jack Black is like a healthy John Belushi.  Do you think that means Jack's not doing speedballs?  And can someone tell me what the hell Tenacious D is all about?  Ween did what they did ten years ago, and they did it funnier.  And you know what else?  I'm tired of fat guys that are funny.  If Jack's not doing coke, he should be.  Fat wired guys are funnier than fat guys, period.  So, Jack and Harold, Go Take a Nap!  You remind me of two sub-par talents with careers they don't deserve.

     Holy typographical error, Batman!  Did you see the plaque that they gave to James Earl Jones on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day?  It looked like this: