By Jack Jackson

     I hope all you all had you all a merry Christmas, and I hope you got a Dell, just so that damn surfer stoner kid can shut up and go back into the swine-infested hole he crapped himself out from.

     But in lighter news, J. K. Rowling admits that although she hasn't written any of the next Harry Potter books yet, she has nonetheless written already the final chapter of whatever the last book will be.  That's not how you're supposed to do it, J. K.!  You should write the books in order, and then you can make more money!  Go Take a Nap and when you wake up, get back on track so the children of the world can enjoy the next piece of crap in it's proper order.  No one likes it when you read (or write) ahead.

     Speaking of witchcraft, Pastor Jack Brock, 74, from Alamogordo, NM, has declared a book-burning day for all Harry Potter books because they are "an abomination to God."  He adds that "Harry Potter books are going to destroy the lives of many young people."  I wonder if he's ever heard of recycling.  I mean, it's safer for the environment than burning books.  After all, we don't burn last year's phone books, do we?  No.  We recycle them.  So Pastor Jack, get your sheep to the local recycling center and make a stand for the environment, and when you're done, Go Take a Nap!  You'll need one after all that hard work of doing good deeds.

     Ryan Phillipe, 27, was intimidated by all the fancy-pants British actors he had to drink tea with in Gosford Park.  Well, let me go out on a limb here, Ryan, and suggest that you should be intimidated because although I liked your work in Cruel Intentions, the only reason you have a career at all is because you have a pretty face and blew David Geffen.  So, Ryan, Go Take a Nap!  And quit getting Reese Witherspoon pregnant!  She needs to be in more movies and making fewer babies.

     Sean Astin, 30, was troubled by the prosthetic feet he had to wear in Lord of the Rings to be a Hobbit.  You know what?  I was troubled by them, too.  How's that for a coincidence?

     And Bono, 41, was voted European of the Year by a bunch of lame Euros.  Do you think the award is shaped like Europe?  Or is it shaped like a big, lame, arrogant, stinky, and smoking piece of shit?

By Jack Jackson

     There isn't much to talk about this week.  :(  I guess even celebrities take the holidays off now and then.  There are a few points of interest, though.

     The Sex Pistols claim they might reunite to mark the 25th anniversary of God Save the Queen.  I don't know just how rotten John Lydon is, but he's going to have to be really rotten if he wants old Sid Vicious back.  I mean, Sid's been Taking a Dirt Nap for a couple of decades now, and I don't know if he'll be able to play music with his putrefied skeletal remains.  So, Sex Pistols, you all collectively Go Take a Nap!  Punk is out!  Boy Bands are in!

     Johnny Knoxville will star in a Jackass movie.  Don't get me wrong.  I like watching men staple their ass cheeks together and engage in other homoerotic activities, but for an hour and a half?  Just how long can you ride a pogo stick down a mountain, anyway?  Will there be a script, or will they just strip, do cocaine, and run riot?  Johnny, I'd like to tell you to Go Take a Nap, but it's your whole act that's tired.

     Eminem went ahead and burnt that house down that was going to be such a vital and poignant scene in his new movie, 8 Mile.  I like fire as much as the next guy, and I even think burning down houses is alright as long as it's because you fell asleep smoking, but for a movie?

     And a movie about some rings came out this week.  I sort of enjoyed it, but there was a rather unsatisfying conclusion to the movie, which I wouldn't even deign to call an ending at all.  So, am I to understand that it's just a nine-hour movie that they've cut up into three-hour meals?  My advice is to cut out a few scenes here and there, make it an hour-and-a-half, and then you have time for more fire-safety PSA's.

By Jack Jackson

     Whooee!  We absolutely have to talk about Winona Ryder this week!  Not only was she caught shoplifting and charged with grand theft at Saks Fifth Avenue on Wilshire Boulevard, but she was also caught with prescription medicines that she didn't have a prescription for!  Now that's what I call parlaying a successful career into a big pile of shit!  Of course, if O. J. managed to get off from double homicide, I'm sure Winona can overcome this minor setback.  But the scariest secret has yet to be revealed!  She's a man, baby!  That's right.  Her real name is Winonus!  And that's why Matt Damon was dating her/him.  So Winona, next time you get the urge to pop some pills and shoplift, remember to Go Take a Nap instead.

     Fans didn't like the ending of Britney Spears' upcoming movie, Crossroads.  Apparently, there's a scene with her just in underwear, and it's being re-shot with her in a uniform.  Well, goddammit!  What's the big deal here?  She wears less onstage.  And that live at the MGM Grand show had at least 60% of her boobs busting out all over.  Here's a question for you women out there (or for men who are lucky enough to have mantits): what is the maximum amount of breast you can get to stick up over a bra without the nips springing out?  I'm guessing you could get upwards of 73% of a boob sticking out without showing a nipple.  This, of course, depends upon what you consider a nipple.  I mean, do areolas count?  And shouldn't the plural of areola be areolae?  I guess it's one of those optional things.  And what about women with puffies?  That would severely inhibit the percentage they could have sticking out if you considered the areola to be part of the nipple.  So, Britney, Go Take a Nap!

     A new movie, Smack on the Puss, is set to feature three generations of the Douglas family.  Kirk, Michael, and Cameron Douglas will all be in it.  Can you say publicity stunt?  I'm going to go out on a limb here before I even see this Puss movie and declare it a big, stinky, moist, soft, runny, dripping, oozing, smeared, pile of shaving cream.  Douglas family, Go Take a Nap!  There's no need for more than one of you in a movie.

     Lastly, on a not-too-related-to-Hollywood note: Michel Fournier, 57, plans to freefall from 25 miles in the air from a special balloon and gondola, in an attempt to break the sound barrier and ultimately achieve a speed of over 1,000mph.  Only a Frenchman would think this to be worthwhile, and only a Frenchman would ride up in a balloon and gondola.  Hello?  Michel, it's the 21st Century and people quit flying balloons when they realized Bugs Bunny could shoot them down with a pea-shooter.  So, Michel, here's some advice: be prepared to Go Take a Dirt Nap!  I bet your parachute doesn't work like you hope it will at 1,000mph.

By Jack Jackson

     Much like there is yin for yang, last week's yin of celebrity foibles has been yanged by a virtual dearth of foibilitousnessosity.  There are a few juicy tidbits, however.

     Sir Elton John has decided to stop making new albums in protest of the recording industry.  Well, take that, you evil recording industry!  That should make a bold enough statement to cause a broad stroke of righteous reform!  Well, I've been protesting Sir Elton for decades now by not buying his albums!  Who's got the last laugh now?  Sir Elton, get off your high, pink, furry horse and Go Take a Nap!

     Walt Disney would've turned 100 this week.  Whoopdedoo!  There's nothing like celebrating the life of a Nazi-sympathizer, who also helped blackball alleged UnAmerican screenwriters.  And let's not forget the wonderful multi-national empire of Mickey Mouse (pun intended) shit he's left us with.  So, Walt, it's good you went and Took a Nap!  You've not been dead nearly long enough.

     Beyonce Knowles, the lynchpin of Destiny's Child, belched out a whopper the other day.  She claimed that the temporary breakup of Destiny's Child, which was designed to let everyone pursue their own solo careers, would be much like the Beatles when "they all did their solo projects and they came back together and they were even stronger."  Hmm...  Beyonce, did you know that the Beatles broke up and didn't get back together because John Lennon was assassinated?  I bet you didn't know that.  Here's another good piece of info: the guy who killed John Lennon was trying to impress Jodie Foster.  Here's something else: Yoko Ono is one damn horrible singer.  So Beyonce, read up on your recent history and Go Take a Nap!

     And, of course, there was Ocean's 11 this week.  Who said star power wasn't worth anything?  Steven Soderbergh, you've got the inside track on getting the celebrities to ham it up in your films!  The only thing missing was a cameo from Britney Spears.  I heard there was some negative fallout from the movie, though.  There's a rumor that Dreamworks SKG is going to remake the Ocean's 11 remake and call it Ocean's 111!  That's going to be one expensive movie to make.

By Jack Jackson

     Man, it's been a busy week for the celebrities!  Let's start off with Eminem, who wants to burn down a house in Highland Park, MI in order to make his unnamed movie look realistic.  The neighbors don't like the idea, but the owner is fine with it.  Is it just me, or if you can make CGI Jar-Jar Binks, can't you make a CGI house on fire?  My other thought is, just turn some cameramen loose on Detroit.  You're bound to find something on fire.  So, Eminem, Go Take a Nap!  You're pyromania has to stop before someone gets an eye poked out.

     The kid stars of Harry Potter say their action figures are "scary."  Hermione says she feels "like a voodoo doll."  Others claim the figures don't even look like themselves.  Well, kid stars, Go Take a Nap!  You got yourselves into this mess when your parents forced you to become child actors.

     Britney Spears, who could probably make Go Take a Nap! every week, says she gets along with Justin Timberlake because they both have busy schedules.  They have to make the most of their time together and be extra romantic, but "that's not very often."  Just one more piece of evidence supporting my whole Justin-Britney-are-beards-for-each-other theory.  So, Britney, Go Take a Nap!  When you wake up, gimmecall cause I'm not too busy.

     The U.S. is number one!  In what?  Sexual prowess!  We Americans have sex more often each year and with more partners than any other country in the world!  This according to Durex condoms, however.  We have sex 124 times each year, starting at the age of 16!  Apparently people have been taking my advice to Go Take a Nap!

     ABC's Millionaire and Regis might be on the way out.  Do you think it's because they aired it seven times a week and that they saturated the populace into a submission hold?  If they keep the show, rumors are that Jon Stewart will host it.  I don't know about that.  Maybe Louis Black is free?  What about Bob Hope?  Where's Monty Hall when you need him?

By Jack Jackson

     Can Rodney Dangerfield get less in the respect area and more in the defibrillators area?  The poor old thing had a mild heart attack and is recovering.  I guess that means he'll be cutting back on the Triple Lindy.  Rodney, watch some of your old movies in that hospital bed and Go Take a Nap!  Your ribcage needs the time to heal!

     Britney Spears, 20, and a source of infinite discussion, claims to be "on the verge of becoming a woman."  Allow me to be the first to step in line to help you cross that threshold, Britney!  I can make you a woman several times a night, and your breastanalia can Go Take a Nap on my...

     MTV has been requested to be aired on Arab television so we can win the war for the hearts of that upcoming generation over there.  I know that this means stiffer competition will arise in the Xtreme sports and increase masturbation and sex among Arab teenagers, but the overall effects will be positive.  We will make the new Arabs' desires to destroy America Go Take a Nap!  I can't wait until there is an Arab counterpart to Tom Greene.

     Mick Jagger, 58, has "given up drinking, drugs, and partying."  Oddly enough, he's also given up being cool and sucks as a performer.  Coincidence?

By Jack Jackson

     From the Those-Celebrities-Do-the-DARNEDEST-Things Department: R.E.M. guitarist Peter Buck covered himself in yogurt and became stuck between seats on an airplane headed to Britain.  Seems he had 15 glasses of wine on the flight, according to the attendants.  I'm not so good at pouring glasses of wine, but 15 glasses is about three bottles, right?  I'm not sure if the attendants aren't at least partially culpable for the whole yogurt thing.  I mean, the first thing you learn in college is not to give the drunk guy yogurt.  So, Peter and you attendants, Go Take a Nap!  And if you're going to drink 15 glasses of wine, just drink it out of the bottle next time.

     Battlestar Galactica is slated to return to television, if X-MEN director Bryan Singer has anything to say about it.  All I want to know is how can they get Lorne Greene awake from his Dirt Nap?

     Possibly, the answer to the Lorne Greene Conundrum (LGC) can be solved by the next tidbit.

     Bruce Lee is starring in a new movie!  Yeah, he's dead!  But that don't matter none much!  See, his estate has sold his likeness to a movie company somewhere in SE Asia and they're going to painstakingly hand-paint Bruce Lee's face on each cel of film!  Just kidding!  They're going to use computers to do all the hard work.  What I'm most excited about is the opening of the floodgates that will ensue concerning other celebrity likenesses.  For example, Gene Rayburn and Werner Klemperer will be able to continue their fine work once again.  And what about Bob Hope and Abe Vigoda and Dick Clark?

     Yasmine Bleeth was caught with cocaine!  Yasmine, if that coke hasn't got you too wired, you should Go Take a Nap!  Cocaine is so 80's!

By Jack Jackson

     Let's all give Brad Pitt a BIG HUG!  He says he's gone through two whole years of therapy because he can't handle the life of a celebrity.  Celebrities are treated differently, he says, and he just can't take it!  Well, let me tell you something, Braddy-boy, you can Go Take a Nap!  In fact, take a real long nap and quit making movies.  That's a sure-fire way to end your celebrity status.  Also, give me all of your money.  I'm sure it's nothing but a burden to you.

     Box office receipts are up.  Some people say that Americans are going to movies to engage in a form of escapism.  Indeed, that's true.  I went to The One last week to escape from reality.  I called up my friends and said, "Hey, wanna escape reality for two hours?"

     Michael Jackson, a.k.a. Plasticman, has announced that he will build a computer school in Neverland for his two children, Prince and Paris, four and three respectively.  They will never be introduced into society because it would "be too difficult" for them.  My question is this: If Prince and Paris want to escape reality, where do they go?  Disneyland?  Michael, it's time for you to warm up that oxygen tank and Go Take a Nap!  If life was going to be so hard for your children, you should never have had them.

     Lastly, Richard Harris had to be convinced by his granddaughter, Ella, that he should be Professor Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies.  He didn't want to because he was worried they'd make all the books into movies and he'd be committing himself to something.  Richard, Go Take a Nap!  You shouldn't take career advice from someone who is four years old, and whatever work you get, be thankful!  It's not like your phone is ringing off the hook.

By Jack Jackson

     Gene Hackman was busy this week.  The septuagenarian bumped a car at an intersection in West Hollywood, apologized, and then was yelled at by the thirtysomething driver of the offended vehicle.  Push literally came to shove and mean Gene socked the driver four times according to a witness.  I don't know about you, but anytime someone who's 71 beats up someone who's 30, Don King is probably involved, surely for the rematch.  I'd buy tickets to that.  But it is clear that Gene and the pummeled thirtysomething each need to head to their respective corners and Go Take a Nap!  Fenders were invented to be bumped!

     I hear there's a Harry Potter movie out, and that it's well over two hours long.  Can you say hairy potty situation?  The lines at the restrooms are going to be as long as the lines at the box office, I guarantee.  I also guarantee a lot of adults and children will be taking naps in their seats!

     Courtney Love finished a concert that started at Hollywood Bowl in a bathroom for the president of a major record label.  It turns out that the concert was originally too loud to be played at the Hollywood Bowl, so they found a much more suitable place with better acoustics, I reckon.  There's no word on who that president was or what major record label he is president of, but I bet he really likes that doll head doll parts song.  As for you Courtney, you need to Go Take a Nap!  Quit playing so loud!

     I just realized that that last paragraph makes no sense.  How could a concert be too loud for the Hollywood Bowl?  I mean, unless it was a concert of Boeing 777's or a concert of plastic explosives, isn't that what the damn thing is for?  Loud concerts?

     Lucasfilm, that entity that rivals McDonalds, Microsoft, and For Dummies in anal retentiveness when it comes to trademarks and copyrights and intellectual property, is suing the production company that produced Star Ballz.  It's a porno, right?  But it parallels the story of Star Wars so closely, Lucasfilm claims, that fans of the trilogy will be confused by the similarities and a loss of potential profit will ensue.  First, George Lucas and your pencil-pushing desk jockeys, Go Take a Nap in a galaxy far, far away!  Porn is by, of, and for the people!  It brings couples together and keeps bachelors on top of their game.  Second, how can you lose potential profits?  You can't lose something that doesn't exist, can you?

By Jack Jackson

     AOL Time Warner has been busy this week!  First they signed a contract to have exclusive media from Britney Spears, then they signed some contract that allows them to invade Chinese homes.  Let's see, here.  Britney and China.  What do they have in common?  What is the thread here?  You guessed it.  They're both pinko commie bastards!  I hear if you play Oops! I Did it Again backwards (not that anyone can, now that record players don't exist and she never released it on vinyl, although she has some pretty hot vinyl pants I'd like to press while she's wearing them and petting her kittens) you can hear her say "Workers of the world unite."  And AOL, you definitely need to Go Take a Nap!  Quit fooling people into thinking that AOL is the Internet.  All you do is charge people extra money so they can hear ding-dong sounds when they click on buttons.

     Speaking of Britney, I hear her new album, wittily titled Britney, she says naughty words like hell and damn.  I bet it's not half as bad as the things she tells Justin Timberlake when she catches him with his boyfriends in bed.

     A recent study of local news programs states that they create a "climate of fear" for children.  Hmm...  Now let me think a bit about that.  Are children afraid of dying on airplanes as they fly into buildings now?  What about anthrax?  Think kids are afraid of that?  Nah.  The news couldn't possibly be contributing to a climate of fear for children.  Hell, adults aren't afraid of flying, right?  So how can kids be?  Oh, wait a minute.  We are all afraid, aren't we?  Whoever released that study, Go Take a Nap!  You deserve the No Shit, Sherlock Award!

     The Dancing California Raisins are going to make a comeback.  Apparently, raisin sales are down.  I think I know why.  Raisins look like rat shit and they don't taste much different, either.

     Finally, one Mr. Lee Ryan of the Boys in Blue, a U.K. boy band that I've never even heard of before, was quoted this week as saying "Who gives a fuck about New York when whales and elephants are dying?"  Indeed, Mr. Ryan, indeed.  But the real question is this: Who gives a fuck about whales and elephants when bonobo monkeys are giving each other genito-genital rubbings and are engaging in penis-fencing?  I tell you, Mr. Ryan, Go Take a Nap!  There's much more important things in this world than even whales and elephants.  Do some research on those bonobos!  They rock!  http://www.geocities.com/willc7/bonobos.html

By Jack Jackson

     That slingblade slingin' anorexic husband to Angelina Jolie, Billy Bob Thornton has come of the furniture closet finally and announced that he is officially afraid of antique furniture.  This, of course, would bode ill if his agent were to get him lined up to play the hero in Attack of the Oaken, Victorian Boudoirs.  "I get creeped out and I can't breathe and I can't eat around it," said Billy Bob.  He's noticed the fear more so with English and French furniture, and believes it's possible that he was beaten to death in a previous life by the legs of a nice settee.  Billy Bob, Go Take a Nap!  Just don't do it on an antique four-post bed!

     James Woods claims to have witnessed one of the trial runs of a group of terrorists before the attack on September 11th.  He's been talking to the FBI about it, and I'm sure the information he's been offering up has been invaluable.  After all, movie stars are more credible witnesses no matter what the situation is, aren't they?

     Robert Altman, that director who films three-hour-ensemble-cast-mind-numbing movies which are critically acclaimed because critics like it when you don't edit your movies, has blamed Hollywood for "inspiring" the attacks on the World Trade Center.  I can't really say one way or the other if I agree with him or not.  All I know is that Robert's movies inspire me to Go Take a Nap!  Hey, Robert!  Don't you ever run out of film? 

     Two executives from Universal Pictures and Universal Studios have been ranked the Top Power People of Hollywood in another self-aggrandizing industry-run shenanigan.  The reason?  They've been in charge of movies like American Pie 2 that rake in $100+ million over the past two years.  Thank you, Universal, and your powerful people for flooding America with blockbuster frenzy!  Masturbating with superglue has never been more profitable!

By Jack Jackson

     To Emmy or not to Emmy?  Is that worth even asking?  Does anyone really respect an actor or actress for receiving an award for a supporting role in a comedy?  What criteria do they use to decide best drama mini-series of the year?  Will Calista Flockhart blow away like a leaf caught in a tide?  Instead of worrying about this, I'm going to Go Take a Nap!  It's not worth getting into a tizzy snit!

     The Godfather DVD set has been released!  I hear that there's one disc full of three hours and twenty minutes of extra goodies!  That's almost enough footage to make a Godfather IV, but not quite.

     Rush Limbaugh, although not a real celebrity but a large enough target for my criticism, is either deaf in one ear, or totally deaf, or going deaf, or a fat sack of slurry.  I listened to him a week before he announced his deafness, and I thought he was slipping.  He's beginning to sound like deaf people when they talk.  Whether or not you can hear me, Rush, you should Go Take a Nap!  Get off the air and move your ass out of the chair so Dr. Laura can be on the air earlier.  I like hearing her poignant morality in this age of lechery.

     Congratulations to Diane Ogden from my hometown of Lincoln, Nebraska!  Diane, you managed to collapse during an immunity challenge and were voted off of Survivor III first!  Let me tell you, don't marry your step-son like Debb did from Survivor II.  All she does is cry now.  And did you really want that million dollars?  There are much easier ways to get a million dollars, like marrying a millionaire!  Diane, Go Take a Nap!  You're clearly exhausted!

By Jack Jackson

     Time to unleash a personal note.  I went to Taco John's the other day and split a six pack and a pound with my dad.  The pound of Potato Oles (which I'm not convinced is a pound), didn't have nearly enough of the powdery goodness on it.  I mean, the whole point of eating them is the spicy salt stuff they normally shower those greasy tuber discs with, right?  So, whoever the guy was who fried them and gingerly tapped the shaker full of Ole seasoning, Go Take a Nap!  It's not liquid gold, alright?  So go ahead and give me two taps next time.

     Drew Carey lost some weight.  The reason?  He was in the hospital because a cheeseburger backed-up his aorta.  He's claiming that he's not going to be that loveable, beer-drinking lout anymore.  This is a sad moment in Drew's career because that means he probably won't turn to drugs, eating, and the inevitable hilarity that comes with drugs and eating.  I think he should eat some triple bacon cheeseburgers and Go Take a Nap!  Doesn't he realize that comedy is directly proportional to your weight?

     My movie nemesis, Ben Affleck, was caught speeding at 114mph in a zone where the limit was 70mph.  He was fined $1,140.  What I want to know is this: where were the police when Ben pranced across the screen in Shakespeare in Love?  He should be fined at least $1,140 for that wretched pomp.

     Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, beards for each other, had a videotape of their asexual antics stolen from one of their vacation homes.  First, was anyone shocked that there was no sex on the tape?  Second, how many houses do those two own together?  What happened to the good old days when you went over to your girlfriend's house and shagged her rotten and left?  Now, it's apparently in vogue to own a house with her and make tapes unworthy of the UPN's prime time.  Britney and Justin, Go Take a Nap!  You should have the Internet streaming with videos of your wet and sloppy sex.

By Jack Jackson

     I need some help this week untangling the wretched mess that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Here's what I understand so far: I like watching her pet cats.

     What I don't understand is the whole WB vs. UPN stuff, and whether or not she'll be alive.  Didn't she fall to her death last season?  It seems hard to write a quick fix for that problem.  I mean, Buffy is a quality piece of work, not a trashy soap opera.  Whoever is responsible for this should Go Take a Nap!  Let's get this solved so I can quit focusing on the little details and start enjoying the bigger picture.  And if you want to enjoy the bigger picture, click on the cat.

     Richard Hatch, that lovable nude homosexual who won the first Survivor, has been convicted of domestic assault against his pardner.  If I were Judge Judy, or some similar miscreant in a robe, I would make Richard take some anger-management courses.  Part of anger-management is knowing when to Go Take a Nap!  But don't take a nap with your pardner if you're going to punch him some more.

     Speaking of Survivor, it has been leaked to the press that the third iteration will be a "fatter, hungrier, stinkier" version of the show.  I don't think I'll watch that.  If I wanted fatter, hungrier, and stinkier, I'd go rent Dom Deluise movies.

     Jay Leno, that great chin of a man, announced he would be performing gratis in Las Vegas in order to get the tourists back in town.  While I like the idea, couldn't he just Go Take a Nap instead?  It's not like he's funny.  What would he do up there onstage?  He doesn't have that charisma that you get from a Carrot Top or a Geechy Guy or even Emo Phillips.  And whatever happened to Peter Gaulke?  His Torso Man shtick was the best.

     Sharon Stone was hospitalized with a brain aneurysm.  That's not good at all.  She's the one actress in Hollywood who single-crotchedly put the romantic-suspense-thriller-with-Michael-Douglas genre back on the map.  If I were her doctor, I would suggest to take some aspirin and to also Go Take a Nap!  Sharon, your brain is gonna need it!

By Jack Jackson

     It's been another slow week in the Industry, which is understandable.  Tourism is down and everyone who's anyone is busy singing on telethons.  Some A-list celebrities have even claimed to have been answering your calls, such as Jack Nicholson.  Come on, Jack, we know that you were really on the phone to your banker laughing it up about how much cash you raked in as The Joker.  And Willie Nelson, as much as I want to love you because you have that down-home folksy thing going on, before you go on the television again you should have the people in makeup push your eyeballs back into their sockets.  To all the celebrities that participated in last Friday's telethon, Go Take a Nap!  You were probably up well past your bedtimes.

     Dennis Rodman, who is only as bad as the attention he gets, was speeding his boat, Sexual Chocolate, in Newport Harbor.  Also, the police have visited his home 70 times for reported disturbances related to parties.  Dennis, let me be the first to say that sometimes it's okay to act like a normal person and obey the societal mores which we struggle to codify in our system of laws, and next time you speed, I hope you Go Take a Nap overnight in jail!  Expect to be punished for your actions!

     The ever-popular "For Dummies" series of books, the owners of which will sue your pants off for nearly any modestly perceived trademark infringement, have now sold over 100 million copies with over 3,000 titles to choose from in 39 languages.  I just want to know one thing: WHO THE FUCK BUYS THOSE DAMN THINGS?  I was going to write "Go Take a Nap For Dummies", but I'm afraid my pants will be sued off of me.  Come to think of it, that'd pretty okay.  I don't like pants, after all.

     Prince William visited Scotland with his dad the other day.  Why that made the news ticker, I'll never know.  I understand that all the teenage girls in London would simply love to Go Take a Nap with Prince Willy, and that all the homosexual boys would like to put their penises on him, but the attention he gets is a bit much.  Mainly, I'm just jealous, I suppose.   It would be way fucking-a wicked underground if a crowd of paparazzi followed me around when I went downtown and got drunk and mean.

By Jack Jackson

     Well, in an attempt to have some normalcy around here, I'm going to take a stab at being funny this week, even though there isn't much going on in the Industry this week, and we're in a state of mourning.

     Are you hungry?  Do you like The Simpsons?  Now you can satiate both desires in one fell swoop!  Homer's Cinnamon Donut Crunch and Bart Simpson's Peanut Butter Chocolate Crunch will be hitting grocery stores everywhere soon.  Is it just me, or when I grew up, didn't cereals have at most two words in their titles?  When you wanted Corn Flakes, you got flakes of corn, I imagine.  Froot Loops were loops of fruit.  Cocoa Pebbles were little pebbles made from cocoa.  When did donuts become crunchy?  And I don't know about you, but I like to keep my peanut butter and chocolate separate from each other.  Cereal manufacturers and advertisers, Go Take a Nap!

     Kevin Spacey, who has a girlfriend, bought a 1945 Oscar for the musical score from Anchors Aweigh for $156,875.  He bid the highest in a private auction so that he could return the chintzy statuette to the AMPAS.  I did some calculations in my head and for $156,875, you could buy 198,755.94 tacos at Taco Inn instead.  That's a lot of tacos.  I could throw a great party with all those tacos for my friends, and still have money left over to pay off my car.  I bet the taco party would be a lot more fun than whatever utility the AMPAS will get out of having the statuette back.  And at what height do statuettes become full-blown statues?  Kevin Spacey, quit wasting your hard-earned money and Go Take a Nap!  Don't you realize that the music from Anchors Aweigh sucks and only junior high bands play it anymore?

     I'm thinking that if you run around with a sword all the time and call yourself a musketeer, shouldn't you at least carry a musket?  Or maybe even fire it now and then?  It would also be appropriate if you knew how to clean a musket and load it properly if you were to go by the moniker of musketeer.  IMHO, anyone who runs around with a sword and a skirt and a handlebar mustache should call himself a fancy lad instead.

By Jack Jackson

     Rumor has it that last weekend (Labor Day weekend) Jennifer Lopez's booty and her boyfriend Chris Judd spent the entire time in their bed in a posh setting in Hawaii.  I'd run out of things to do, I think.  I wonder what all they did in bed.  Do you think they Took a Nap?!?!

     Posh Spice claims in a new autobiography that while she was in the Spice Girls, life was troubled.  Well, boo-hoo.  I'm sorry that your life was so bad, Poshy.  Know what else?  I'm not going to buy your book, either.  You and Gerri should both Go Take a Nap!  That movie you made was horrible!  You don't deserve to share screen time with Roger Moore!

     The American Film Institute (AFI), you know, that institute that does nothing but sit around and list a hundred movies all the time, has announced that it will have its own yearly awards show.  Hmm...now that's an original idea!  I shouldn't complain, though.  I like watching celebrities walk up on stage and talk funny about all the people who've helped them out in life.  What's funny is that the only reason anyone is a celebrity is because they all gave blowjobs to David Geffen.  Look at Keanu Reeves!  Isn't it obvious?  AFI, whoever you are, quit typing lists and Go Take a Nap!  We don't want your awards, and the celebrities don't want them, either.  It'll just be one more night when they have to dress up and pretend not to be coked-up.

     Anne Heche got married.  Didn't she used to lick Ellen DeGeneres' pussy-tat?

     Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake own a house together in L.A. somewhere!  Isn't that cute?  I have a feeling that old Justin gets the blue balls a lot in that house.  See, Britney won't do the nasty until she's married.  She hasn't said who that will be yet, but I bet it won't be Justin.  Moving in with someone is a sure-fire way of ending a relationship.  Britney, I think you should break up with him now, before he gets addicted to heroin.  Also, you should Go Take a Nap with me.  I've been wanting to sleep with someone who's not into sex before marriage.

     Did you know that blowjobs passes through the spell-checker just fine?

By Jack Jackson

     Holy robin shit, Batman, Bob Hope has the flu!  I guess he's recovering, but didn't you think he was dead already?  I mean, it's not like he's saving up his best jokes for when he has to cheer up our troops when we invade China is it?  And my theory is that if you already have a golf tournament named after you, it's because you're dead.  Bob Hope, thanks for the memories, but please Go Take that Great Dirt Nap in the Sky!  It's okay to die when your life is over!

     It has come to my attention that Fred Rogers has retired as your neighbor.  Apparently his show didn't end with a cliffhanger or any kind of season finale or series finale.  How are the children going to know that he's not coming back?  And what was up with Lady Elaine?  Did King Friday have a little sumpin'-sumpin' on the side-side with her-her?  I bet Mr. McFeely felt her while he made a speedy delivery, if you catch my drift.  Fred, we all grew up with you, but now you can Go Take a Nap!  You deserve a break today!

     Bob Marlwick, the Morris the Cat handler and Spuds MacKenzie discoverer has died at the age of 75 in Chicago.  I guess we'll have to look to other sources to find that great new four-legged spokesanimal to sell us useless shit.

     Lookout!  Joe Dirt hits DVD stores everywhere this week!  Is it just me, or are mullets losing their comedic value?  I mean, when I see one these days, I only think about how sad it is that people continue to think they're cool when they're not.  Of course, the State Fair changed my mind a little bit as I wandered the midway with a cheese on a stick and a fried dough.  One thing that won't change is that David Spade should Go Take a Nap!  Being a smug and bitterman isn't how you get to the top!

     What's up with all these celebrities getting honorary degrees from colleges they've never been to?  I think they should earn them the old-fashioned way, by giving your professors blowjobs and cash bribes.  Celebrities, stop accepting the honorary degrees and Go Take a Nap!  The degrees aren't worth the paper they're printed on, and the schools just want you to show up so they can have pictures of you in their class bulletins!

By Jack Jackson

     Well, up here in Maine, I got a chance to try some absinthe, and man, it makes me goofy.  That means that you all are the beneficiaries of my damn goofiness, and it is going to manifest itself in this week's issue.

     For starters, Hannibal Lecter has been named the Best Baddie by over 17,000 Internet users, with Darth Vader coming in close behind at second.  I think that this voting is somewhat correct, because Darth Vader never ate any of his enemies' brains whilst they were still alive and conscious.  However, Darth has the upper hand when it comes to having the top bunk bed in the Death Star.  Also, Hannibal couldn't tell you the difference between a light saber and a raspberry compote, but that's neither here nor there.  Now that I think about it, Darth Vader could force Hannibal to eat his own brains with a little of that mind-control power he likes to flex so much.  You 17,000 Internet voters should all quit voting out of your collective ass and Go Take a Nap!

     Speaking of baddies, that Gothic freak who calls himself Marilyn Manson has been arrested or ticketed or whatever for rubbing his crotch on a security guard in Oakland.  Normally that would be okay, but it turns out that ole Marilyn was wearing merely a G-string.  That means either his dick was out or that it was really small, so I'm with the cops on this one.  Mr. Manson, it's time for you to clean up your act and Go Take a Nap!

     Everyone's favorite gay Survivor champion, Richard Hatch, has also been arrested in a completely separate incident involving domestic abuse with his boyfriend in Los Angeles.&nb