Go Take a Nap! (the Blog)

Elton John wants Justin Timberlake to play him in a biopic he’s working on. Elton, that’s Quite Nice. But I want Justin to play Jack Jackson in a biopic I’m working on, too, so I guess it’s time to fight. [We want him to play us as twins in the biopic, too.--Eds.]

Charlie Trotter will reportedly close his Chicago restaurant after 25 years so he can travel and pursue an education in philosophy and political theory. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! What good is philosophy and political theory going to do you when you don’t have a restaurant to run anymore? [Maybe he's planning a politico-philosophico restaurant featuring watermelon water?--Eds.]

Ricky Gervais said he should’ve focused more on one-line zingers when he hosted the Golden Globes last year, because the audience has a short attention span. Ricky, Go Take a Nap! We can pay attention to zingers that are at least two lines in length, maybe three or four! [We're sorry--what?--Eds.]

And Chaz Bono wants to get a metoidioplasty, a procedure which turns female parts down there, which have been enlarged by testosterone, into a small, fully functional, um . . . . [Penis.--Eds.] {Right.–Jack Jackson}

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HF Crave is run by those of the Hollenbeck Farms, and I think what I had (two days in a row, even) was the best burger in Lincoln, maybe all of Nebraska.

A tasty burger.

I’d heard somewhat varied reviews, from “the best burger in town” to “overpriced and messy.” So I kept it somewhat simple, because I wanted to taste the burger and not a “stuffed signature burger.” I added grilled onions and mushrooms and pickles and mustard. The grass-fed beef was cooked to medium, leaving it so juicy that I had to get more napkins than originally thought sufficient. The grilled onions and mushrooms also added to the juiciness, and although I recommend adding them, there were way too many grilled onions on my burger, which was easy enough to fix. The beef was very tender and fresh, and the LeQuartier bun, grilled just a bit, was perfect. At a third of a pound, it’s a good size for lunch, even though I didn’t quite finish it all.

The waffle fries were also good, fried to a good crisp and served very hot. The chipotle mayonnaise and honey mustard are both good dipping sauces. Fellow restaurant reviewer, Richard Ripshaw, enjoyed his burger so much he insisted that we go back again the next day, and so we did.

Suggestion: keep your burger order simple.

Posted in On Food

People magazine said the cover image of Taylor Lautner coming out as gay was 100% fake. People, Go Take a Nap! Magazine covers aren’t fake on a scale of zero to 100 percent! They’re fake on a scale of one to ten! [That magazine was a ten on the fake scale.--Eds.]

Janet Hubert, who starred on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, said she would never do a reunion show because Will Smith is an asshole. Janet, Go Take a Nap! Will Smith saved the planet from an alien invasion! That alone proves he’s not an asshole. [Welcome to Urf!--Eds.]

And Sinead O’Connor said a trip with her new husband to buy marijuana in Las Vegas which ended up as a purchase of crack cocaine was one of the reasons her marriage only lasted 16 days, especially because her new husband is a drug-abuse counselor. Sinead, Go Take a Nap! Getting crack with your new husband who also happens to be a drug-abuse counselor is no reason for divorce. It’s just a nice honeymoon in Vegas. [Would they still be married if they had bought some marihuana?--Eds.]

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A bit of a minor miracle happened recently at the Blue Orchid: I had very good food and acceptable service. Those of you who’ve read my reviews in the past know that I’ve been greatly disappointed with both the food and service on four separate visits. But this time, everything was actually very good and I’ll be interested to return to see if it’s a trend.

A surprising delight of basil tofu.

We ordered some Thai rolls and spring rolls, both of which were very good and savory. The fried Thai rolls are something like human Scooby snacks, and also good for hangovers. I’m still not pumped that the spring rolls are steamed and thus served hot, but the flavor was very good.

I then had the basil tofu, which was a slightly spicy dish which didn’t seem like much food a first, but was ultimately more than I could finish. The dish does not have any coconut milk, so it was a lighter affair, and the flavor was complex and enjoyable. The only criticism I have is that they cut the tofu into rather large chunks before frying, so there’s a lot of soft bean curd in the middle compared to fried edges. It’s a bit unappetizing to bite into a mouthful of just plain tofu after the crispy edges are gone.

The service was good enough, with the only gaffe being that the white wine we ordered turned out to be a 2005, a bit past its prime, and so we had to send it back.

But one good experience out of five is better than zero out of four. Hopefully it will be two out of six next.

Posted in On Food

R. Kelly said he’s written another 32 chapters for Trapped in the Closet, but he needs some money to film them. R., Go Take a Nap! Only 32 more chapters? Why are you slouching so much? I want to see an epic 64 more chapters so it can wind up all the loose ends. [We feel trapped by this blog.--Eds.]

David Copperfield was outbid for the Oscar Orson Welles won for best original screenplay for Citizen Kane, which ultimately sold for $861,000. David, Go Take a Nap! You didn’t bid $862,000? Think of all the great magic tricks you could’ve done with that statue! [That's a lot of cheap tacos.--Eds.]

Hines Ward said he had a blast when filming a football scene for The Dark Knight Rises. Hines, that’s Quite Nice. It’s all so very, very nice. [We had a blast watching Barney Miller reruns once.--Eds.]

And Trent Reznor said he tried some new techniques for composing the score for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, one of which was composing music for the film months before ever seeing the script. Trent, Go Take a Nap! How could you possibly know what the movie was about before reading the script? [Maybe a lucky guess?--Eds.]

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You all probably know or have heard that the burgers are good at Fred & Ruby’s (and they are). But Tuesdays for lunch is the hot beef plate, and let me tell you, it’s Really Quite Nice, and pretty close to the perfect hangover cure.

Hot beef injection.

I’m not normally a fan of white bread covered in gravy, but it’s something of a requisite for this dish. The roast beef is fresh and you better get there before noon because they run out of the special by around then. The only real drawbacks are the frozen niblets of corn and the gravy can be a bit over-gelatinous in spots (the Pantry across the street does a good hot beef plate all days of the week).

Do yourself a favor and drink too much on a Monday night, get up and out of bed on Tuesday, and hit up Parkway Lanes for a special treat (large fountain Pepsi recommended as a food/drink pairing).

Posted in On Food

Charlie Sheen accidentally tweeted his phone number to all of his followers in a message intended directly for Justin Bieber, which read “Call me bro.” Charlie, Go Take a Nap! You should never tweet phone numbers in tweets. Why didn’t you just post a YouTube video for Justin telling him to call you, and put your phone number in a code only Justin could crack? [Maybe a Caesar cipher?--Eds.]

Scarlett Johansson said Matt Damon was afraid of snakes on the set of We Bought a Zoo. Scarlett, Go Take a Nap! It’s not cool to out your costars as snake-o-phobes. [We didn't buy a zoo.--Eds.]

And Richard Hatch hopes to land a new reality show which would highlight his relationships with children born from his donated sperm. Richard, that’s Quite Nice. But why not just enjoy the relationships without involving the tevee? [Maybe it's for money?--Eds.]

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Entertainment Weekly declared Daniel Radcliffe as 2011′s entertainer of the year. Daniel, that’s Really Quite Nice. You might be on top of the world now, but we’ll all be gunning for you in 2012. [We want to be editors of the year for 2012.--Eds.]

The woman who burgled Alex Trebek’s hotel room will not face a three-strikes felony charge. She allegedly stole $661 and Alex tore his Achilles tendon chasing her. Alex, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you gotta do some stretches before you run after burglars, especially at your age. [A mustache might've helped, too.--Eds.]

And Gene Simmons was critical of the announcement that Madonna would perform at the Super Bowl, implying she was a karaoke singer singing along to recordings. Gene, Go Take a Nap! You’re just jealous because they’ll never ask you to perform anything at the Super Bowl, unless maybe it’s Official Guacamole Taster. [He would be good at the coin toss.--Eds.]

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What's going on here?

Posted in Pithiness

Christian Bale said that he’s done with being Batman after The Dark Knight Rises, unless Christopher Nolan says otherwise. Christian, Go Take a Nap! Once you’re Batman, you’re always Batman. Go ask Adam West. [He's still Batman.--Eds.]

Don McLean said he didn’t write American Pie in Saratoga Springs but in Philadelphia, and he first performed it at Temple University, not at Caffe Lena. Don, that’s Just Nice. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, why not edit four or five minutes off the song for modern airplay. [This column was not edited at a coffee shop or bar.--Eds]

Elvis Costello is telling fans not to buy his new box set because it’s too expensive, and people should instead buy a Louis Armstrong box set which is cheaper. Elvis, Go Take a Nap! If we only bought stuff that was cheaper than more expensive stuff, none of the expensive stuff would get bought and it would just go to waste. [What about when the expensive stuff goes on sale?--Eds.]

And Tobey Maguire agreed to settle a lawsuit and pay $80,000 for some allegedly illegal poker winnings. Tobey, Go Take a Nap! You’re a real celebrity and you don’t need to gamble with your money for fun. Next time, get a bunch of pennies and play Tripoley with your friends instead. [He'll always be Spiderman.--Eds.]

Posted in Go Take a Nap!