Go Take a Nap! (the Blog)

Barbara Walters announced that she will retire from television next summer. Barbara, that’s Just Nice. You’ve given us all over a year to figure out your retirement party. [We hope she registers at Target.--Eds.]

Tommy Chong said that the U.S. should federally legalize marijuana and that hemp will save the world. Tommy, Go Take a Nap! Legal weed just means we’ll all be at home eating Funyuns and playing video games all night, and that’s no way to save this world. [The Funyun corporation would be happy.--Eds.]

An unnamed buyer purchased a topless painting of Bea Arthur for $1.9Million at auction. Unnamed buyer, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos that could buy? That’s, like, 3.8Million cheap tacos! [Or 7.6Million really cheap tacos.--Eds.]

The viewership for the American Idol finale was one third less this year than last year. Oh, Really? You mean people are getting tired of the same-old stuff? [We wait for it to come out on DVD so we can watch the whole season in one weekend.--Eds.]

And Justin Bieber doesn’t want his capuchin monkey back, but the cost of housing it by German customs could be in the thousands of dollars. Bieber, Go Take a Nap! You do the right thing and go get your monkey back and you apologize and make some videos with it. [He could write a song about capuchin monkeys.--Eds.]

Bill Clinton tried to get Led Zeppelin to reunite last year for a Hurricane Sandy benefit show in New York City, but the band said no. Led Zeppelin, Go Take a Nap! That would’ve been way super-wicked-cool underground! ZOSO, meng. [We prefer Led Zeppelin tribute bands these days.--Eds.]

Honey Boo Boo’s parents did not actually get married, although a show was filmed as if though they did. Honey Boo Boo’s parents, Go Take a Nap! Do not pull on my heartstrings like that! I want your love to be really real, not reality real! [We want real real.--Eds.]

Liam Gallagher almost died from eating a blue M&M, because he has a severe peanut allergy. Liam, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows the blue M&Ms are risky! [We ask our personal assistants to remove them from each bag.--Eds.]

And Snoop Lion admitted to being a pimp in 2003 and 2004, but it wasn’t for money. Snoop, Go Take a Nap! The whole point of pimping is the money. [And the clothes.--Eds.]

Clint Eastwood, 82, said it would be great to be directing films at the age of 105. Clint, that’s Just Nice. By then you’ll be making Billion Dollar Baby, Letters from Beirut, and Prius! [And Forgiven?--Eds.]

Leonardo DiCaprio said his real life is not always like Jay Gatsby’s. Oh, Really? Does it have anything to do with Jay Gatsby being a fictional character from the 1920s? [A good surmise.--Eds.]

And Reese Witherspoon chalked up her embarrassing arrest to too many glasses of red wine. Reese, Go Take a Nap! We’ve all had too many glasses of red wine, but you don’t see us all getting arrested and talking about it on national tevee. [Her story's not so far-fetched.--Eds.]

Caption Solutions, a Kansas City company responsible for closed captioning for a Fox news channel, apologized to Zooey Deschanel after one of their captions read: “Marathon bombing, he is 19-year-old Zooey Deschanel.” Caption Solutions, that’s Quite Nice. We should all learn from our mistakes, and be contrite and gracious in our errors. [It should've been obvious that no one named Zooey could be a bomber.--Eds.]

And Ben Affleck said he was going to feed himself for $1.50 for a day, in a challenge to see what it’s like to eat like the 1.4Billion people on this planet who do just that every day. Ben, Go Take a Nap! Anyone can eat ramen and beans for one day. You’ve got to do that every day before you realize you’re in college again. [We eat on $2.30 a day.--Eds.]

In response to government pressure to make movie ratings clearer, the MPAA will start printing rating reasons in larger type next to a movie’s rating. MPAA, that’s Just Nice. I’m sure that everyone will start reading the text once it’s bigger and easier to read. [We only read stuff that's in fine print.--Eds.]

Disney confirmed a new Star Wars movie would hit theaters every summer starting in 2015, each year alternating between the major story line and movies focusing on individual characters. Disney, that’s Quite Nice. What the world needs now is more Star Wars movies, ASAP, and I hope it all works out. [We can't wait to see the new Jar-Jar movie.--Eds.]

And Bradley Cooper revealed that his mom lives with him, but she’s a “cool chick,” so it’s all good. Bradley, Go Take a Nap! Living with your mom is never cool when you’re in your thirties. [It could be if she were a cool chick.--Eds.]

The mayor of Charleston, West Virginia, said he was very happy that MTV’s show “Buckwild” was cancelled because it painted the town with negative stereotypes. Mayor of Charleston, Go Take a Nap! When MTV comes to town to film, you just sit back and enjoy it, even if it reinforces negative stereotypes. [We can't wait for the DVDs.--Eds.]

And after visiting the Anne Frank House museum in Amsterdam, Justin Bieber said he hoped Anne Frank would have been a belieber. Justin, Go Take a Nap! You don’t need to hope she would’ve been a belieber, you need to know she would’ve been a belieber. That’s what beliebing is all about. [We're 'bout it.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber has a couple of weeks to reclaim his pet Capuchin monkey, Mally, from Munich, or else it will be taken to a shelter for good. Justin, Go Take a Nap! You gotta get your monkey! The monkey misses you and will have serious detachment issues if you don’t pick him up. [Maybe he doesn't love the monkey.--Eds.]

Jimmy Fallon will replace Jay Leno on the Tonight Show next spring. Jimmy, that’s Just Nice. You keep that post-geriatric crowd laughing as they fall asleep. [That's a little harsh.--Eds.]

It was revealed that Freddie Mercury helped sneak Princess Diana into a gay club in the late 1980s by disguising her as a male model. Freddie and Diana, that’s Quite Nice. But it would’ve been way better to sneak Prince Charles into the club as a female model. [We'd know it was him.--Eds.]

And Chris Brown said he would never assault Rihanna again. Chris, that’s Really Quite Nice. We’ll be watching you. [We hope it all works out for them.--Eds.]

A thief who stole a confidential script for Breaking Bad from Bryan Cranston’s car was caught because he bragged about stealing the script at a bar. Thief, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you don’t brag about stealing scripts! You go straight to craigslist and sell it for $billions! [We'd rather make up our own stories.--Eds.]

Tilda Swinton has a new nap performance at MoMA, sleeping in a clear box all day. Tilda, that’s Really Quite Nice. I’m glad someone is finally taking my advice and taking naps these days. [Maybe she got the idea from watching golf on the couch?--Eds.]

Will Smith said he didn’t want to play Django in Django Unchained because it wasn’t the lead role. Will, Go Take a Nap! You don’t need all the starring roles! You can play smaller roles sometimes and people will still say stuff like “Welcome to Urf!” when they see you. [Being a star is difficult at times.--Eds.]

And Justin Bieber’s pet Capuchin monkey, Mally, was confiscated at a Munich airport after displaying erratic behavior. Mally, Go Take a Nap! You gotta check yourself and keep it real, yo! [Dat monkey be all whack.--Eds.]

Joss Stone said she was unaware of a plot to kill her until after the police arrested the plotters. Joss, that’s Just Nice. It’s better that way, otherwise you’ll be afraid the whole time. [We'd want to know, so we could set up the defense systems.--Eds.]

And Sir Ian McKellen will officiate Patrick Stewart’s wedding. Sir Ian, Go Take a Nap! Magneto hates Dr. X! He can’t officiate his wedding! [No, they were playing ghost chess the last time we saw them together. It's all good.--Eds.]

[Note: Jack Jackson is away on vacation this week. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.-- Eds.]

Hey guys, I’m supposed to write about Justin Bieber this week cuz I guess he smokes a lotta weed and he doesn’t listen to his parents and he gets mad when he can’t get his underage friends into clubs, but mom said he’s still a good role model and she’d like it if I could make her a bunch of money someday, but I don’t know how to sing and my dad says he’s probably gay even though he has sex with models all the time and I just want to get to the next level of Plants vs. Zombies.

I’m really worried worried that North Korea is gonna bomb my house because dad said they have a new rocket that can reach us but he’s not sure if they know where we live, but he’s been up on the roof adding foil and newspapers to get ready. He also bought some guns and he wants me to learn how to use them, but I already know how because I play Call of Duty all day and all my teachers bring their guns to school and let us play with them during Show and Tell.

My Adderall prescription is running low and my Ritalin doesn’t mix with it very well, so my pediatrician thinks I should start on Lithium and Xanax, but dad says those are for crazy people, and he’ll be damned if he has a crazy son. He told me I needed to learn how to fix the lawnmower because when the Chinese army invades, I won’t be able to take it to the store for repairs anymore and anyone who knows how to fix lawnmowers will get special treatment and get more rice from the new government.

Well, time to eat some chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs!

Carrie Fisher said she would be playing an older Princess Leia in the next Star Wars movie, but her representatives had no comment when asked for confirmation. Carrie, that’s Just Nice. I’m going to be playing an older Jack Jackson in the new Star Wars movies. [We'll play older editors.--Eds.]

Taylor Swift almost made $1million after flipping a house she bought to be closer to Connor Kennedy whom she was apparently dating last year. Taylor, that’s Quite Nice. It’s good to hear you’re doing alright with your investments. [We're happy for her, too.--Eds.]

And James Franco said he’d like to be in a musical. James, Go Take a Nap! You’ve done enough for now. How about leaving the public eye for a month? [Or two?--Eds.]

Seth MacFarlane said he had fun hosting the Oscars but he would not host again if asked. Seth, Go Take a Nap! Do you really think you’ll get asked to host the Oscars again? And if you somehow did, you always, always say yes to Oscar. [Yes.--Eds.]

Morrissey said there would be less war if more men were homosexual, because homosexual men don’t start wars to kill homosexual men. Morrissey, Go Take a Nap! Don’t you remember the Great Gay Wars of 1513? [It was a low point in gay war history.--Eds.]

And Richard Burton finally got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Hollywood Walk of Fame, that’s Just Nice. Maybe you can dig up his corpse and put his hands in some wet cement for us, too. [Ew, gross.--Eds.]

Morrissey has asked the Staples Center to not serve meat at the concession stands there when he performs next month. Morrissey, Go Take a Nap! People need to eat meat so they can make strong muscles and be able to dance all crazy when you sing. [There's protein in hair.--Eds.]

And The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 was voted the Razzie for worst movie of last year. Oh, Really? I thought it was pretty good, but I hadn’t seen any of the other movies so none of it made any sense. [The vampires are trying to eat the werewolves, and the werewolves are trying to eat the vampires.--Eds.]

Steven Seagal trained an Arizona volunteer posse on how to respond to shooting incidents at schools. Steven, that’s Just Nice. I’m sure you’ll be the first responder and leader for the next posse. [We wanted to learn how to be a proper posse, but we had to edit this crappy column.--Eds.]

Bruce Willis said he’s just trying to make his daughters laugh, and he hopes the newest Die Hard movie makes them laugh. Bruce, that’s Quite Nice. There’s nothing funnier than a fourth sequel. [If it feels good, do it.--Eds.]

And Chubby Checker is suing Hewlett-Packard because they are offering an application for Palm OS called the Chubby Checker, which measures penises. Chubby, Go Take a Nap! It would be a great honor to be associated with such a lofty endeavor. [Does measure in pixels?--Eds.]

The Superbowl halftime show by Beyonce did not cause the power outage, according to the NFL and a subsequent report. Beyonce, that’s Just Nice. You would’ve never forgiven yourself if you caused that power outage. [We wouldn't be able to sleep at night.--Eds.]

Shirley Bassey will perform Goldfinger at this year’s Oscars. Shirley, that’s Quite Nice. But everyone knows Moonraker is the better song. [We want Lulu.--Eds.]

And Disney confirmed plans to make two Star Wars spinoff movies, one about a young Han Solo, and one about Boba Fett. Disney, Go Take a Nap! We want a Jar-Jar spinoff! [We deserve a Nien Nunb spinoff first.--Eds.]

Ashton Kutcher had to be hospitalized after trying a fruitarian diet that Steve Jobs ate. Ashton, Go Take a Nap! You can’t eat fruit all day and expect to avoid the hospital. [He should've gone to cheap taco night.--Eds.]

And Michelle Dockery of Downtown Abbey caused a stir at the SAG Awards because her dress showed the entirety of her side boobs. Michelle, Go Take a Nap! If you keep showing all of your side boobs, everyone is going to go a-rapin’. [That's not what we think.--Eds.]

Not much exciting this week, but Arnold Schwarzenegger did confirm he would be in Terminator 5, and he is also still thinking about a sequel to Twins called Triplets. Arnold, Go Take a Nap! The sequel to Twins should be Twins Two: Double Twins, Double Trouble, Two Times the Two! [Electric Boogaloo.--Eds.]

The New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival will feature such luminary jazz headliners as Billy Joel, Maroon 5, Willie Nelson, Fleetwood Mac, and Hall & Oates. New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival, Go Take a Nap! You couldn’t get Aerosmith, Genesis, or David Bowie? [We think Maroon 5 is the jazzy jazz jazz.--Eds.]

Michael Cera said he tried to go on a mescaline trip to do some method acting for his new movie, but after cooking the cactus and eating it, nothing happened. Michael, Go Take a Nap! You gotta get help, like ask a shaman to make your mescaline for you. [Maybe he just wasn't spiritually ready.--Eds.]

And the original Batmobile from the ’60s TV show sold at auction for $4.62Million. Original Batmobile, that’s Just Nice. But do you have any idea how many cheap tacos that would buy? Like, 9.24Million cheap tacos! [Or 18.48Million really cheap tacos.--Eds.]

Steven Soderbergh said he had to make his Liberace movie for HBO because the major Hollywood studios thought it was “too gay.” Major Hollywood studios, Go Take a Nap! Have you seen any of the superhero movies lately? They’re all totally gay. Get over it. [Liberace wasn't a superhero, though, was he?--Eds.]

Timothy Dalton said it’s time for James Bond movies to get some real Oscar recognition, because Skyfall is such a good movie. Timothy, Go Take a Nap! Skyfall is no Shakespeare in Love. [We thought Shakespeare in Love wasn't too gay.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber said Saturday Night Live writers can make fun of his recent pot scandal in skits when he hosts the show next month. Justin, that’s Just Nice. But I want to see an entire show making fun of you for throwing up on stage, not smoking marihuana. [We'd let the writers make fun of our mistakes, but the only one is agreeing to edit this column.--Eds.]

And a new book about Tom Cruise and Scientology states that Tom’s ultimate purpose in life is to protect us from aliens in our bodies bent on destroying the planet. Tom, that’s Really Quite Nice. I’m glad you’re on that, because I’m too busy drinking and playing on my iPad to fight internal aliens. [We'd enlist, but Maury's coming on soon.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber smokes pot. Oh, Really? I thought he looked totally sober that time he threw up on stage. [That's not nice.--Eds.]

And Psy said he’s considering retiring Gangnam Style from his performances. Psy, Go Take a Nap! Gangnam Style is a great song and I want to hear it on loop forever! [We have it going right now on our portable music devices.--Eds.]

Frank Serpico said that Al Pacino played him better in Serpico than Frank did himself in real life. Frank, Go Take a Nap! Who were you trying to play in real life, then? [Maybe John Malkovich?--Eds.]

Spike Lee said he won’t see Django Unchained because it would be disrespectful to his ancestors to watch the movie. Spike, Go Take a Nap! Your ancestors are dead! They won’t care if you see a controversial movie now and then. [Unless they're ghosts and they haunt the planet because he sees controversial movies now and then.--Eds.]

A recent survey suggests people are reading newspapers less often and using tablets more. Oh, Really? I hadn’t noticed. [We like to take the crossword puzzle into the bathroom still.--Eds.]

And Richard Branson bought Kate Winslet and her new husband two tickets to outer space on Virgin Galactic as a wedding gift and because Kate saved Richard’s mom from a burning building in 2011. Richard, that’s Really Quite Nice. I hope I can save your mother someday. [Outer space is a pleasant place.--Eds.]

Lindsay Lohan finally thanked Charlie Sheen for the $100k he gave her for her taxes by sending a card and flowers. Lindsay, that’s Just Nice. But for $100k, don’t you think you could’ve also sent him some cocaine and a stripper? [That might send the wrong message.--Eds.]

Brewery Ommegang is making a Game of Thrones beer called Iron Throne Blonde Ale, available for the season premiere on March 31. Brewery Ommegang, Go Take a Nap! We don’t need any fantasy-inspired beers. We need beers inspired by real events, like Star Wars beer. [Or Barney Miller beer?--Eds.]

A new study suggests solo musicians are twice as likely to die young than musicians who are members of bands. New study, Go Take a Nap! You keep saying stuff like that and you’ll scare off the greats like Bieber and Aiken! [And Geechy Guy.--Eds.]

David Hester, who used to be on the unreality show Storage Wars, has filed a lawsuit claiming that the show is rigged by having certain valuable items stashed in storage lockers before taping. Oh, Really? It all seemed so realistic to me. [Editing is key.--Eds.]

Charlie Sheen said Lindsay Lohan has yet to thank him for a $100k gift to help her out of tax trouble. Lindsay, Go Take a Nap! If Charlie gave me $100k, I’d thank him super-duper hard right now. [Maybe the thank-you card was lost in the mail?--Eds.]

A new “Soul Train” dance world record was set in Philadelphia when 291 people danced between two lines of people. 291 people, Go Take a Nap! You call that a world record? Hit 300 and call me back. [We are aiming for 292 people.--Eds.]

Two New Mexico men were arrested for plotting to strangle Justin Bieber with a paisley tie before castrating him. Two New Mexico men, Go Take a Nap! Paisley!? Whatever happened to strangling pop idols with hounds-tooth ties? [We prefer strangulation by herringbone tie.--Eds.]

And Ian McKellen was worried he’d forgotten how to play Gandalf until he put on the costume. Ian, Go Take a Nap! You can’t just put on some close and pretend to be a wizard. You have to really get into it, like maybe wave your wand around a bit. [Or cast some spells?--Eds.]

Eddie Murphy was is the most-overpaid actor according to Forbes, with his movies earning $2.30 for every dollar paid to him. Eddie, Go Take a Nap! If I pay you a dollar and only get $2.30 back, how am I supposed to eat a bunch of cheap tacos all day? [We will pay anyone a dollar for $2.30.--Eds.]

Kristin Cavallari said that The Hills was a fake show. Oh, Really? I thought it was more real than reality at times. [We knew it was fake as soon as we saw those crane shots.--Eds.]

And West Virginia senator Joe Manchin has asked MTV to not air the new show Buckwild because it panders to “ugly, inaccurate stereotypes” of people from West Virginia. Joe, Go Take a Nap! Any publicity is good publicity. So what if it makes everyone think everyone in West Virginia gets drunk and plays in mud all day? [We would get drunk in the mud for $2.30.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber was booed by a bunch of Canadian Football League fans in Toronto, but he performed anyway. Bieber, that’s Just Nice. Don’t let those meanies get you down! [We boo Canadian Football.--Eds.]

George Lucas plans to build a park in Marin County with a bronze statue of Yoda, much like this:

A statue of Yoda, this is.

George, that’s Quite Nice. The world needs more parks and Yoda statues. [We want to eat lunch in a park full of Ewok statues.--Eds.]

Angus T. Jones apologized for calling his show, Two and a Half Men, filth. Angus, Go Take a Nap! Never apologize for speaking the truth! That’s the filthiest show ever made. [You're forgetting Family Double Dare.--Eds.]

And MoMA will be displaying 14 different video games in a new exhibit. MoMA, Go Take a Nap! I can play video games at home. [But can you play video games at home in a museum?--Eds.]

Judy Garland’s Wizard of Oz dress sold for $480k at auction. Judy Garland’s Wizard of Oz dress, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos you could buy with yourself instead? That’s, like, 960k cheap tacos! [Or 1.92m really cheap tacos.--Eds.]

Daniel Craig is a distant blood-relative of James Bond, a bird expert who inspired the name for Ian Fleming’s character. Daniel, that’s Just Nice. This is a crazy world filled with crazy coincidences. [We're related to other famous editors who have inspired our names.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber sang a breakup song last week about breaking up with Selena Gomez. Bieber, Go Take a Nap! There’s nothing more cliche than singing breakup songs after breaking up with someone! [His profit model is not based on surprise.--Eds.]

And Oxford University Press chose “gif” as the American Word of the Year, because it transitioned from noun to verb. Oxford University Press, Go Take a Nap! We’ve been turning gifs into animated gifs for decades and you just now recognizing it? [But they're way more pr0nn0-centric now.--Eds.]

George Lucas said he still plans to make movies, but they’ll be “little personal films.” George, Go Take a Nap! We don’t want your little personal films. We want big movies full of Gungans and Jar-Jars and more Hutts. [We want more cantina scenes.--Eds.]

Carrie Fisher said she’d be up for starring in any new Star Wars movies. Oh, Really? You know what? I’d be all about it, myself. I have been practicing my light saber moves. [We've been boning up our Kashyyykenese.--Eds.]

And John Cusack is developing a movie about Rush Limbaugh slated to be called Rush. John, Go Take a Nap! People will go to your movie thinking it’s a rock concert. [Limbaugh: Tokyo Drift.--Eds.]

Lindsay Lohan tweeted that people shouldn’t be so worried about Hurricane Sandy, should stop projecting negativity, and should think positive and pray for peace. Lindsay, Go Take a Nap! You can’t make peace with a hurricane! [Stop being so negative.--Eds.]

Taylor Swift said she can’t deal with someone cheating in a relationship. Taylor, that’s Just Nice. It’s these slices of your life that make the rest of our lives worthwhile. [We pray for peace.--Eds.]

George Lucas will be involved with Disney in creating the next Star Wars movies, and he said that he had so much material they could make Star Wars movies for the next 100 years. George, that’s Quite Nice. But unless you have enough material for another 1,000 years, it’s all just a fleeting, solitary moment. [This column feels like it's been around 100 years.--Eds.]

And Kristen Stewart said she kept the rings from the Twilight movie. Kristen, Go Take a Nap! You’re supposed to sell those online and throw us a taco party. [Pizza party?--Eds.]

Not much exciting this week, other than Arnold Schwarzenegger announcing he will return as Conan in The Legend of Conan. Arnold, Go Take a Nap! You need to let Conan O’Brien play Conan and you can just be the philandering past-his-prime star. [Harsh.--Eds.]

Joaquin Phoenix called the Oscars “the stupidest thing in the whole world.” Joaquin, Go Take a Nap! Billions of people watch the Oscars every year. Are you saying billions of people watch the stupidest thing in the whole world? [What's popular is not always good.--Eds.]

Tom Hanks got into character on Good Morning America, and said a dirty, dirty word. Tom, Go Take a Nap! Billions of children are watching Good Morning America every morning, and you just turned all of them into serial rapists with your swearing. [Poop.--Eds.]

And Uma Thurman named her daughter Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson. Uma, Go Take a Nap! That kid will never be able to take any standardized tests because she won’t be able to fill in her whole name on the bubble sheets. [She could maybe just fill in RAAAFTB?--Eds.]

Lady Gaga threw up onstage in Barcelona, just like Justin Bieber did a few days ago in Arizona. Lady, Go Take a Nap! Throwing up onstage is passe now. [We want to throw up onstage.--Eds.]

And Stephen Spielberg said that his new movie Lincoln is not a political football, and will have a release after the presidential elections. Stephen, Go Take a Nap! By saying it’s not a political football, you’ve made it a political football. [The unobserved political football does not exist.--Eds.]

Seth MacFarlane will host the Oscars. Seth, Go Take a Nap! You need to step aside and let the man destined for the job take control: Mr. Hal Linden. [What about Imogene Coca?--Eds.]

Salman Rushdie said that writers are losing influence in the West. Oh, Really? Is that because people don’t care what Salman has to say? [We believe our influence is waning.--Eds.]

Ted Danson said that he and Woody Harrelson did mushrooms on a boat one day instead of showing up for a Cheers taping. Ted and Woody, Go Take a Nap! You should be more responsible. What will the kids think? [They'll think Ted and Woody did mushrooms on a boat.--Eds.]

And Daniel Craig said now that he’s James Bond, he can’t get drunk at a bar or skinny dip. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! You could get drunk at a bar, and then you could go skinny dip. [We get drunk at bars, but we dive into lakes fully clothed.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber threw up twice on stage during an Arizona concert. Justin, Go Take a Nap! Throwing up on stage is way not cool. But throwing up on the audience, well, that’s pretty punk. [We miss the old Gallagher.--Eds.]

And Fox News has apologized for televising a man committing suicide live on-air. Fox News, that’s Quite Nice. Your apology makes it all okay. [We're sure it was an accident.--Eds.]

Randy Newman wrote a modern political satirical song about racism and people who want to vote only for a white president. Randy, That’s Just Nice. But no one who’s racist is going to hear your song, so you fail. [Some of our best friends are racists who like Randy Newman.--Eds.]

Justin Timberlake said he hasn’t made an album since 2006 because he can’t rush new albums out every year like some other artists. Justin, Go Take a Nap! Put out some EPs or some singles! [We feel rushed when we edit these posts.--Eds.]

And John Travolta said this is the worst time to be famous, and that everyone, even celebrities, have a right to privacy, and there should be more laws. John, Go Take a Nap! People want to know everything about you, and that means you’re a celebrity! [We don't want to know anything about John Travolta.--Eds.]

Rovio announced there will be a sequel to Angry Birds soon, called Bad Piggies. Rovio, Go Take a Nap! The sequel to Angry Birds should be called Angry Birds 2: Electric Boogaloo. [Angry Birds: First Blood Part 2.--Eds.]

The American band named One Direction has settled its lawsuit with the British band named One Direction, and has changed its name to Uncharted Shores. Uncharted Shores, Go Take a Nap! That’s an even worse name than One Direction. You should name your band One Direction 2: Electric Boogaloo. [One Direction: First Blood Part 2.--Eds.]

And Bob Barker is fine with not being asked to be a part of The Price is Right’s 40th anniversary special. Bob, Go Take a Nap! Get angry! You were that show, and you still are. [Bob Barker 2: Electric Boogaloo.-Eds.]

Not much interesting this week, except Nicole Kidman said she didn’t find peeing on Zac Efron for The Paperboy to be all that weird because she was in character. Nicole, Go Take a Nap! Peeing on people is weird, even if you’re in character. [It takes two people who love each other very much.--Eds.]

A group of American artists are turning Hadrian’s Wall into the world’s longest work of art with 450 balloons and thousands of LEDs. Group of American artists, that’s Just Nice. But all I have to do to make a longer piece of art is build Hadrian’s Wall +1. [But you'd need 451 balloons and thousands +1 LEDs.--Eds.]

Keanu Reeves suggested that film (film film) is dying or already dead, and all movies will be digitally produced in the future. Oh, Really? Because I thought every kid wanted an 8mm movie camera for Christmas. [Nope. It's still digital for the kids these days.--Eds.]

And ABC is moving Jimmy Kimmel’s show up in time to compete directly with Leno and Letterman. ABC, Go Take a Nap! You need a real star to headline that hour, like Gene Rayburn, Hal Linden, or Imogene Coca. [Phyllis Diller?--Eds.]

Jeremy Renner said the Kardashians have zero talent. Oh, Really? They seem to be talented at having zero talent. [That's why they're reality stars.--Eds.]

The Price is Right is searching for its first male model. The Price is Right, that’s Quite Nice. The fantasy of gender equality on game shows is finally becoming a reality. Soon, there will be an equal number of men and women celebrities on Hollywood Squares. [We always wanted to be male versions of Howie Mandel.--Eds.]

Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine said that President Obama staged the recent shootings in Aurora and the Sikh temple in Wisconsin in order to pass a gun ban. Dave, Go Take a Nap! The President doesn’t need to stage shootings for a gun ban. He needs to stage a Constitutional Convention for that. [We bare our arms when it's hot out.--Eds.]

Robert Pattinson said that starring in Cosmopolis made him feel like a real actor for maybe the first time. Robert, that’s Just Nice. Feeling like an actor is one of the first steps to becoming an actor, so let us know when that happens. [Ka-ching!--Eds.]

And Shia LaBeouf will star in Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac, which will require actual sex for filming. Shia, that’s Just Nice. But that violates one of the Rules of Happiness, which is Don’t Film Your Sex. [Maybe he's going to pretend to be someone else, maybe feel like an actor?--Eds.]

Jimmy Fallon said he was asked to host the Oscars, but he declined because he didn’t feel like it was his year. Jimmy, Go Take a Nap! When Oscar calls, you answer. [Maybe this really was his year.--Eds.]

And at least two people tried to bust out a teenager from a Marin County juvenile jail, who is accused of stealing Guy Fieri’s Lamborghini. At least two people, Go Take a Nap! When you stand accused of stealing Guy Fieri’s Lamborghini, you gotta stay the course and face the music. [Mr. Fieri is only guilty of bad taste.--Eds.]

Stephen Tyler said being on American Idol wasn’t his cup of tea. Stephen, Go Take a Nap! You being on American Idol wasn’t my cup of tea, either. In fact, I never watched. [We were watching Netflix documentaries.--Eds.]

Warner Bros. is considering making a prequel to The Shining. Warner Bros., Go Take a Nap! Nothing happened before the movie. The movie is a complete and integral universe onto itself. [We want to know why the bartender talks so strangely and why the hotel is haunted.--Eds.]

And Peter Jackson declared a trilogy for The Hobbit movies. Peter, Go Take a Nap! I’m tired of having to watch three movies to figure out a story. One movie should be enough. [Maybe he should just make three movies but not call them a trilogy.--Eds.]

Elton John said that he shouldn’t be here today, because he had a self-destructive lifestyle in the past. Elton, Go Take a Nap! You’re here! [He's there.--Eds.]

And Jessica Biel wants to open a new restaurant called Oh Fudge, which she hopes will include a bakery. Jessica, that’s Really Quite Nice. Lotsa luck! [We like baked items.--Eds.]

Anyone still holding a ticket for a cancelled 1979 Providence, RI The Who concert can turn them in and see the band there next February. The Who, Go Take a Nap! Sure, go ahead and honor the tickets after the world ends on 12/21/2012. Very magnanimous. [We'd rather see The Who in 1979.--Eds.]

And Fred Willard was arrested for lewd conduct at an adult movie theater in Hollywood, but the owner of the theater says Fred did nothing wrong. Fred and the owner, Go Take a Nap! Either something was being done wrong, or something was being done right. What’s the truth here? [We hate lopsided journalism.--Eds.]

[Note: Jack Jackson is away on vacation this week. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.-- Eds.]

I want to go to Comic-Con but mom says it’s just a bunch of fancy lads dressed up and Dad says he wishes Eisenhower were president because he’d give all those tights-wearing freaks a real what-for, whatever that means.

It’s always hot outside now so I watch a lot of TV while I play video games. Everything’s reruns so I don’t even know what I’m supposed to talk about. And no one sends me any scoops on gossip, so I don’t see the point of making me stop playing games just to type a bunch of stuff no one’s going to read.

Spiderman was lame, because Spiderman is lame. Captain America could punch his face off.

Well, Downtown Abbey is on. Gotta go.

Five large men, supposedly associated with the Church of Scientology, were keeping tabs on Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise after Katie filed for divorce from Tom Cruise. Five large men, Go Take a Nap! It’s not like Katie is distributing sex tapes of her and Tom. [There might not be much film of that.--Eds.] {Don’t film your sex.–Jack Jackson}

And Chuck E. Cheese is getting a makeover, and will become a more hip electric guitar rock star. Chuck, Go Take a Nap! No one likes hip, electric guitar rock stars anymore. It’s all about the theremin now! [We built our own theremin.--Eds.]

Steven Soderbergh said he’s tired of making “important movies.” Steven, Go Take a Nap! Contagion was awful, and it certainly wasn’t important. [We couldn't agree more.--Eds.]

Charlie Sheen said he’s drinking alcohol again, because it’s always happy hour somewhere in the world, and that he doesn’t believe in rehab anymore. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! You can’t drink just because it’s happy hour somewhere in the world. You actually have to be at that somewhere in the world when it’s happy hour for it to count. [It's reverse happy hour somewhere in the world right now.--Eds.]

A recent poll suggests 65% of Americans believe President Obama would handle an alien invasion better than Mitt Romney would. Americans, that’s Quite Nice. I’m sure we’ll get to find out the answer for real sometime soon. [We, for two, welcome our new alien overlords.--Eds.]

And Elvis Presley’s former crypt has been removed from the auction block in response to worldwide fervor demanding it be kept as a shrine in his honor. Worldwide fervor, Go Take a Nap! If we could’ve desecrated his former crypt with a new corpse, maybe Elvis would rise from the grave and haunt the Earth forever! [Um. He's still alive.--Eds.]

Larry Ellison bought 98% of Lanai, Hawai’i's 6th-largest island. Larry, Go Take a Nap! Owning 98% of an island is like owning 98% of a taco! It’s just not right. Peel of a few more bills and get that whole thing! [We own 98% of a scented-stone collection.--Eds.] {Those aren’t stones.–Jack Jackson}

Andrew Garfield said that while filming a scene for the new Spiderman movie, he got his mask wet and started to suffocate. Andrew, Go Take a Nap! Spiderman can breathe underwater! Get into the character! [That's Underwaterman, not Spiderman.--Eds.]

And the Supreme Court has tossed out FCC fines for nudity and cursing in certain cases because the broadcasters couldn’t know the heavy fines would be levied. Supreme Court, that’s Quite Nice. I look forward to an evening of swearing and nudity. [Just a normal evening.--Eds.]

Blake Lively said she’s not at all like her character, Serena, on Gossip Girl, although she does dress like her. Blake, that’s Just Nice. I’m not like Jack Jackson, either, but I do dress like him. [Similarly, we're not much like ourselves, but we do dress like we do.--Eds.]

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were seen wearing matching pairs of Kanye’s Air Yeezy II shoes, which are a limited-edition design retailing for $245 a pair.  Kim and Kanye, Go Take a Nap! You shouldn’t make the rest of the world so jealous and materialistic! [We pre-ordered a couple pairs, but we're leaving them in the boxes because they can only increase in value over time.--Eds.]

Elvis Presley will become a live-performance hologram, just like Tupac Shakur at Coachella. Elvis, Go Take a Nap! You’re dead. [No, he's not.--Eds.]

And Emma Stone is terrified and hyper-aware of death, and she suffers from panic attacks. Emma, Go Take a Breather! If you die, you’ll just come back as a hologram at a music festival! [But will the hologram have a conscience?--Eds.]

Someone bid over $90,000 for a pre-order pair of Kanye West’s Air Yeezy 2 Nike shoes, which hit stores 6/9. Someone, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos you could get for $90,000? [180,000 cheap tacos?--Eds.] {360,000 really cheap tacos.–Jack Jackson}

And Charlie Sheen said he’d like to have sex with Denise Richards again. Charlie, that’s Just Nice. Maybe call her up and ask? [Or sext her?--Eds.]

DC Comics announced that the Green Lantern is gay. DC Comics, that’s Just Nice. But it’s still not cool to out people until they’re ready. I hope you asked him if it was alright. [If it wasn't, he's gonna go all Green Lantern on their asses.--Eds.]

George Lucas announced he’s retiring from mainstream film-making, and instead wants to focus on what he calls experimental hobby films that might not ever have a theatrical release. George, that’s Just Nice. But I know how to read between the lines. You’re actually going to make another 12 Star Wars episodes, and one of them will feature an army of Jar-Jar clones. [We'd like to retire and work on hobby editing.--Eds.]

The cemetery that owns Elvis Presley’s original crypt where his body was interred before being moved to Graceland, is up for auction, and you can be buried there next. Cemetery, Go Take a Nap! We all know Elvis is still alive, and you’re just trying to make money off of lies. [It's just good business.--Eds.]

It was revealed that a group-sex pr0nn0 film was filmed at the L.A. Coliseum on 9/16/2001, and one of the stars, known as Mr. Marcus, said he didn’t care if anyone was mad, because it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Mr. Marcus, Go Take a Nap! You had group sex where nice people play football! [We're sure they laid down a tarp.--Eds.]

And Justin Bieber was accused of battering a paparazzo. Paparazzo, Go Take a Nap! The Bieber can’t batter anything! He weighs about 90 pounds. I’m sure you’re fine. [He has been training with Mike Tyson.--Eds]

Marvel Comics will have a gay marriage between X-Man Northstar and his long-time fictional boyfriend. Marvel, that’s Quite Nice. But what’s next? Comic book super-villains marrying their comic book dogs? [We believe all comic book characters should be married to whomever they love.--Eds.]

Will Smith said he’s the natural choice to play President Obama in film. Will, Go Take a Nap! The natural choice would be a more seasoned actor, like the great Hal Linden. [Imogene Coca in drag?--Eds.]

Pete Doherty’s movie debuted at Cannes, and people hated it so much they called it a crime. Oh, Really? I was rather looking forward to it, hopefully on Netflix streaming someday. [Or a Criterion version?--Eds.]

And Miley Cyrus said that sex is magical, beautiful, the only way we create, and the only way the world keeps going. Miley, that’s Quite Nice. That’s a good argument for having sex all day long. [We'd get tired, and Leno would come on, eventually.--Eds.]

Johnny Depp needed assistance using the bathroom while filming Dark Shadows, because of the long vampire fingernails added to his hands. Johnny, Go Take a Nap! If you need bathroom assistance because of long fingernails, you don’t deserve to be a vampire. [It's good they didn't give him long toenails?--Eds.]

Mark Wahlberg and Justin Bieber are planning to star in a basketball movie together, but it’s being delayed due to script rewrites. Mark and Justin, Go Take a Nap! Just start filming! I’m sure it will be liquid Hollywood gold. [We wanna see Wahlberg throw an elbow at Bieber.--Eds.]

And Prince Charles did the weather on BBC TV Scotland to help celebrate its 60th anniversary. Prince Charles, that’s Quite Nice. Maybe you could make it a regular gig. [It's how David Letterman got his start.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber tweeted a message to Mariah Yeater, who accused him of being the father of her baby. The message was of Borat claiming that “You will never get this!” Justin, Go Take a Nap! Paternity lawsuits are not a platform for comedy! And if you’re going to tweet video, it should’ve been of Maury Povich saying “You are NOT the father.” [Crazy things happen in this crazy world.--Eds.]

And Martin Scorsese liked 3-D so much in Hugo that he plans to use 3-D in all of his future movies. Martin, that’s Just Nice. I can’t wait to see a mafia movie in 3-D, so I can see all that swearing and Joe Pesci in 3-D. [You could just swear in real life in 3-D.--Eds.]

Now that the 3-D version of Titanic is out, the movie has grossed over $2Billion worldwide. Titanic, that’s Just Nice. But do you have any idea how many cheap tacos that could be instead, and how many billions of people could be fed? That’s, like, one cheap taco for 4Billion people. [Or one really cheap taco for 8 billion people.--Eds.]

Much was made of Snoop Dogg rapping with a holographic Tupac Shakur at Coachella. Tupac, Go Take a Nap! Your ghost is scaring the kids. [We were moved.--Eds.]

And Willie Nelson revealed a statue of himself in Austin, Texas, and then sang his new song, Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die. Willie, Go Take a Nap! Smoking cadaverous ashes is not a good idea, not at all. Just come back as a hologram and rap with Tupac. [Might be some good shit in there.--Eds.]

[Note: Jack Jackson is away on vacation this week. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.-- Eds.]

Dad told me I needed to get better at this column stuff or else he was going to send me to military camp or something. He says if I’m not as good as Tiger Woods at this by next year, there won’t be any more Christmas. I don’t care if there’s more Christmas. I didn’t get the iPad2, and I bet I won’t get an iPad3, so who cares?

I guess Amanda Bynes was drunk, but her dad says she wasn’t, so now it’s all, like, whatever. Maybe the cops know?

I want to see the new Spiderman movie, but that new Spiderman looks like a tool. They might as well get Bieber as a villain. They could have their hairdos fight for an hour.

I also really wanna see that Avengers movie. HULK SMASH! SMASH, HULK! LOLZ and OMGZ.

It’s hard to write gossip when no one gives nine-year-old kids any inside info. So I decided I’d come up with my own: no one knows who broke the vase with the basketball in the family room. It could be someone close, or a total stranger.

I saw an episode of Survivor. Everyone is mean and whispers the “habba-habba” and then it’s just a bunch of commercials. Booring.

Oh, here’s a joke. Q: Why did Batman cross the road? A: That’s where Robin was.

Alright. I hope you like this column better. If you like it, there might be Christmas again.

Alicia Silverstone showed the world how she feeds her 10-month-old son, by pre-chewing his food for him and then passing it directly into his mouth. Alicia, Go Take a Nap! Your kid ain’t no bird! He can put food in his own pie-hole. [He'll be sufficiently horrified by it all when he becomes a teenager.--Eds.]

And Alyson Hannigan said she’s already preparing for the therapy her kids will need when they see the American Pie movies. Alyson, Go Take a Nap! Just feed them pre-chewed food right from your pie-hole! [Not a bad idea.--Eds.]

R. Kelly said the new episodes of Trapped in the Closet will include the alien character and we’ll find out what the package is and who has it. R., that’s Quite Nice. I hope the alien has the package and I hope the package is full of caramel corn. [It's probably white cheddar corn.--Eds.]

Ashton Kutcher signed up to be one of the first passengers on Richard Branson’s flight into suborbital space, which will generate a feeling of weightlessness. Ashton, Go Take a Nap! If you want to feel weightlessness, just tie a bunch of helium balloons to your lawn chair and then you can wave at people below. [Don't forget to take some corn dogs.--Eds.]

Kirk Cameron said he was surprised that people were surprised by his anti-gay comments a couple of weeks ago. Kirk, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows that everyone in Hollywood is gay, so you’re surprised you surprised some people? [We're surprised he's surprised people were surprised.--Eds.]

And Gallagher is retiring, but said he would like to do some small things, like company parties. Gallagher, that’s Just Nice. I think your comedic stylings would be a good fit for a company party. [Or a child's birthday party?--Eds.]

MTV is promising that Teen Mom: Season Four will be the last season of Teen Mom. MTV, Go Take a Nap! Just because you stop caring about teen moms won’t mean they’ll just vanish and the problem will stop. [We were a teenage teen mom.--Eds.]

Dionne Warwick thinks Whitney Houston died from a heart attack, that her heart just gave out. Dionne, that’s Just Nice. You’re probably right. [We're not doctors.--Eds.]

Chad Ochocinco bought fried chicken and cupcakes for 200 of his Twitter followers in New York City. Chad, that’s Really Quite Nice. I’m gonna have to follow you on Twitter now. [You don't have to.--Eds.]

And a former staffer on Rosie O’Donnell’s show said Rosie made the show a hellhole. Former staffer, Go Take a Nap! I doubt it was a real hellhole. You can tell the difference when a real demon comes out and enslaves humanity for all time, or something similar. [We have a hellhole.--Eds.]

Kirk Cameron said homosexuality was “unnatural” and “detrimental and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization.” Kirk, Go Take a Nap! A peen on a peen or a bageen on a bageen will not destroy any foundation of civilization. It’s usually bombs that do that. [We'd be willing to see his offer of proof.--Eds.]

Universal Pictures is still going to make Ouija, a movie about the board. Universal Pictures, Go Take a Nap! You can’t make a whole movie based on a board game, but if you’re gonna, please let it be a cool board game, like Aggravation or Small World: Underground. [We like board games with space themes.--Eds.]

Dick Van Dyke, 86, happily married a makeup artist, 40. Dick, that’s Really Quite Nice. You stay happy. Just don’t tell us about your sex life. [We don’t wanna know.–Eds.

Adam Sandler set a new Razzies record with 11 nominations for 2011, stemming from various levels of participation in three different movies. Adam, that’s Quite Nice. Like Ben-Hur and its 11 Oscars, maybe you can win 11 Razzies and claim your rightful place alongside the other great feats of movie history. [It's nice to be recognized.--Eds.]

Christoper Plummer, 82, said he’s not the oldest actor to win an Oscar, because Charlie Chaplin was 83 when he received an honorary Oscar. Christopher, Go Take a Nap! An honorary Oscar isn’t a real Oscar. It’s an honorary Oscar. [We want an honorary Oscar.--Eds.]

Pete Doherty opened an art show of paintings he made using his own blood. Pete, Go Take a Nap! That’s not a good way to paint. First, you need all the blood inside you, where it helps carry nutrients and oxygen around your body. Second, you can’t make a really nice lavender color with just your blood. [We tried to paint with paint once and no one cared.--Eds.]

And Zac Efron now has a pocket-checking policy when on a red carpet, after last week’s condom drop. Zac, that’s Just Nice. When you start writing policies, you need to start with a pocket-checking policy. After all, your pockets are where you find stuff. [We have generally empty pockets.--Eds]

Several guests who stayed on the same floor of the hotel where Whitney Houston died have requested a refund because the weekend was so terrible and loud. Several guests, Go Take a Nap! You shouldn’t complain. You should feel honored to have been a part of history! [They should at least get a coupon for something.--Eds.]

Most of the Oscar voters are white males. Oh, Really? I would’ve first guessed they were all of some Afro-Asiatic descent. [Oscar likes British stuff.--Eds.]

And Zac Efron might have dropped a condom in public view while at the premiere of The Lorax. Zac, that’s Really Quite Nice. It’s good to know you know how to drop condoms in public. [We keep dropping them, to no avail.--Eds.]

Susan Sarandon donated $75,000 to New York City public schools to support the growing sport of table tennis. Susan, that’s Really Quite Nice. But do you have any idea what you’ve done? In just a couple of generations, New York City will have the best table tennis players in the world, and then we’ll have to enter them into the Intergalactic Greater Omniverse Table Tennis Championships, and you better have your checkbook ready again because rocket fuel ain’t cheap. [No, sir.--Eds.]

There are plans for a fourth Transformers movie, with Michael Bay to direct. Oh, Really? Maybe just quit while you’re ahead and have three totally awesome movies in the can? [They can always do better. Fourth time's the charm.--Eds.]

And Celine Dion said drugs and bad influences led to Whitney Houston’s death. Celine, Go Take a Nap! It’s lack of fresh oxygen to he brain what causes death. Everyone knows this. [It is known.--Eds.]

Andrew Garfield said he’s very nervous about being the Spiderman in the movies. Andrew, Go Take a Nap! The Spiderman fears nothing! If the Spiderman is shaky, his webs misfire! [And his Spidey-sense, it mis-tingles.--Eds.]

Harrison Ford has not been in talks with Ridley Scott to reprise his role of Rick Deckard in the planned revisitation of Blade Runner. Harrison, that’s Just Nice. Maybe this way Ridley won’t put any fire ants or crystal skullz in the movie. [We've seen things . . . .--Eds.]

And Bill Murray said people should be personally responsible. Oh, Really? That’s easy to say when you’re golfing at Pebble Beach in a camouflage ghillie suit. [We are impersonally irresponsible.--Eds.]

Arnold Schwarzenegger visited the Taj Mahal, but it was closed because it was Friday, the day each week when a nearby mosque holds a prayer session. Arnold, Go Take a Nap! Can’t you afford some decent handlers who know when the Taj Mahal is open and when it’s closed? [We'd like to visit someday.--Eds.]

Stephen Colbert’s Super PAC, Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, has raised over $1Million. Stephen, that’s Just Nice. Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos that would buy? [Two million?--Eds.] {Four million.–Jack Jackson}

And Daniel Radcliffe, maybe inspired by Pat Sajak and Vanna White, admitted that he was drunk during the filming of some Harry Potter scenes, but he never drank on the set, instead he got drunk and then went to work. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea what happens when a drunken wizard casts spells? [Tacos?--Eds.]

Pat Sajak said he and Vanna White used to get smashed on margamaritas and do Wheel of Fortune on a tooter, but that was back when you had to buy lame prizes like Sheldon the Dalmatian instead of just getting the cash. Pat and Vanna, that’s Just Nice. Doing a show drunk takes talent, real talent, you know, that “It-factor” we hear so much about these days. [We used to edit this column drunk on highballs.--Eds.]

Sheldon the Dalmatian.

Tim Gunn he hasn’t had sex in 29 years. Tim, Go Take a Nap! Get out there and let your freak flag fly! You’re on the tevee! You oughta be able to get all kinds of poo-say. [Um.--Eds.]

Demi Moore apparently has some drug issues, and was reportedly doing whip-its before collapsing. Demi, Go Take a Nap! Whip-its? You’re a rich celebrity! You could be doing all kinds of awesome designer drugs. Whip-its?! [Maybe she likes whip-its?--Eds.]

Armie Harmie got caught in Texas with three marihuana cookies and one marihuana brownie. Armie, Go Take a Nap! If you’d ever read this column, you’d know two things by now: don’t drive around with marihuana in Texas (they’ll get you like Chace Crawford); and eat the cookies and then go driving, so as to have no evidence with which to be caught. [We don't think that's sending the right message.--Eds.]

Seth Rogen successfully predicted that 50/50 would not get an Oscar nomination. Oh, Really? What’s next, are you gonna predict when you fart next? [Tee hee.--Eds.]

And Jay Cutler got Kristin Cavallari pregnant, with a wedding pending. Jay and Kristin, that’s Quite Nice. I’m sure your baby will grow up to be a beautiful athlete and unreality show star. [Is that a prediction?--Eds.]

Some of the L.A. pr0nn0 industry is threatening to leave the city, as local officials are threatening to require all actors to wear condoms, else film licenses won’t be granted. Some of L.A. pr0nn0 industry, Go Take a Nap! Everyone can wear a condom and be fine. Just fix it in post, you know, buff out the condoms with CGI or something. [They should just wear condoms that look like penises.--Eds.]

An Australian horsefly with a golden butt was named Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae, in honor of the Bootylicious Beyonce. Beyonce, that’s Quite Nice. Being associated with horseflies must be a great honor. [Indeed.--Eds.]

And Luther Campbell said 2 Live Crew is planning to reunite and tour this summer. Luther, that’s Just Nice. We’re all excited to see some old, sexist raps. [Um.--Eds.]

Snoop Dogg was arrested for marihuana possession in Sierra Blanca, Texas, when a border patrol drug dog sniffed it outside of Snoop’s tour bus, and then the patrol found several joints in a prescription bottle (Snoop has a prescription for marihuana in California). Snoop, Go Take a Nap! Your prescription is only good in California, not Texas! You’ve just gotta get way super-duper high in California and then get in the bus and ride. Just ride. [Should he wear a Notre Dame football helmet, too?--Eds.]

In unrelated news, Heather Donahue, a star of The Blair Witch Project, is also now a published author of a new book, Growgirl, a non-fiction story about how she spent a year growing medicinal marihuana in Northern California. Heather, that’s Just Nice. Now you need to film a documentary showing the life of your medical marihuana as it travels from place to place, ending up on Snoop Dogg’s tour bus, and ultimately as evidence in a small border town in Texas. [We wouldn't want to watch such a film.--Eds.]

And now for some Justin Bieber updates:

First, Bieber said he wants to grow up at his own pace, not too fast. Bieber, that’s Quite Nice. But remember, everything in moderation, including moderation. [We grew up at just the right pace and became editors of a crummy gossip blog.--Eds.]

Second, Bieber said he wants to be as famous as Michael Jackson, but wants to avoid singing about sex and drugs. Bieber, Go Take a Nap! The only way to become as famous as Michael Jackson is to sing about sex and drugs. Every Michael Jackson song is about sex and drugs, for example, note the lyrics to Ben. [We hope this blog never discusses drugs or sex.--Eds.]

Finally, Bieber said he doesn’t go to church, but instead focuses on personal prayer and talking directly to God. Bieber, that’s Really Quite Nice. If I were God, I’d look forward to chatting with you on a regular or even semi-regular basis. [We pray we can find a new job soon.--Eds.]

Elton John wants Justin Timberlake to play him in a biopic he’s working on. Elton, that’s Quite Nice. But I want Justin to play Jack Jackson in a biopic I’m working on, too, so I guess it’s time to fight. [We want him to play us as twins in the biopic, too.--Eds.]

Charlie Trotter will reportedly close his Chicago restaurant after 25 years so he can travel and pursue an education in philosophy and political theory. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! What good is philosophy and political theory going to do you when you don’t have a restaurant to run anymore? [Maybe he's planning a politico-philosophico restaurant featuring watermelon water?--Eds.]

Ricky Gervais said he should’ve focused more on one-line zingers when he hosted the Golden Globes last year, because the audience has a short attention span. Ricky, Go Take a Nap! We can pay attention to zingers that are at least two lines in length, maybe three or four! [We're sorry--what?--Eds.]

And Chaz Bono wants to get a metoidioplasty, a procedure which turns female parts down there, which have been enlarged by testosterone, into a small, fully functional, um . . . . [Penis.--Eds.] {Right.–Jack Jackson}

People magazine said the cover image of Taylor Lautner coming out as gay was 100% fake. People, Go Take a Nap! Magazine covers aren’t fake on a scale of zero to 100 percent! They’re fake on a scale of one to ten! [That magazine was a ten on the fake scale.--Eds.]

Janet Hubert, who starred on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, said she would never do a reunion show because Will Smith is an asshole. Janet, Go Take a Nap! Will Smith saved the planet from an alien invasion! That alone proves he’s not an asshole. [Welcome to Urf!--Eds.]

And Sinead O’Connor said a trip with her new husband to buy marijuana in Las Vegas which ended up as a purchase of crack cocaine was one of the reasons her marriage only lasted 16 days, especially because her new husband is a drug-abuse counselor. Sinead, Go Take a Nap! Getting crack with your new husband who also happens to be a drug-abuse counselor is no reason for divorce. It’s just a nice honeymoon in Vegas. [Would they still be married if they had bought some marihuana?--Eds.]

R. Kelly said he’s written another 32 chapters for Trapped in the Closet, but he needs some money to film them. R., Go Take a Nap! Only 32 more chapters? Why are you slouching so much? I want to see an epic 64 more chapters so it can wind up all the loose ends. [We feel trapped by this blog.--Eds.]

David Copperfield was outbid for the Oscar Orson Welles won for best original screenplay for Citizen Kane, which ultimately sold for $861,000. David, Go Take a Nap! You didn’t bid $862,000? Think of all the great magic tricks you could’ve done with that statue! [That's a lot of cheap tacos.--Eds.]

Hines Ward said he had a blast when filming a football scene for The Dark Knight Rises. Hines, that’s Quite Nice. It’s all so very, very nice. [We had a blast watching Barney Miller reruns once.--Eds.]

And Trent Reznor said he tried some new techniques for composing the score for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, one of which was composing music for the film months before ever seeing the script. Trent, Go Take a Nap! How could you possibly know what the movie was about before reading the script? [Maybe a lucky guess?--Eds.]

voluq124

Charlie Sheen accidentally tweeted his phone number to all of his followers in a message intended directly for Justin Bieber, which read “Call me bro.” Charlie, Go Take a Nap! You should never tweet phone numbers in tweets. Why didn’t you just post a YouTube video for Justin telling him to call you, and put your phone number in a code only Justin could crack? [Maybe a Caesar cipher?--Eds.]

Scarlett Johansson said Matt Damon was afraid of snakes on the set of We Bought a Zoo. Scarlett, Go Take a Nap! It’s not cool to out your costars as snake-o-phobes. [We didn't buy a zoo.--Eds.]

And Richard Hatch hopes to land a new reality show which would highlight his relationships with children born from his donated sperm. Richard, that’s Quite Nice. But why not just enjoy the relationships without involving the tevee? [Maybe it's for money?--Eds.]

which

Entertainment Weekly declared Daniel Radcliffe as 2011′s entertainer of the year. Daniel, that’s Really Quite Nice. You might be on top of the world now, but we’ll all be gunning for you in 2012. [We want to be editors of the year for 2012.--Eds.]

The woman who burgled Alex Trebek’s hotel room will not face a three-strikes felony charge. She allegedly stole $661 and Alex tore his Achilles tendon chasing her. Alex, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you gotta do some stretches before you run after burglars, especially at your age. [A mustache might've helped, too.--Eds.]

And Gene Simmons was critical of the announcement that Madonna would perform at the Super Bowl, implying she was a karaoke singer singing along to recordings. Gene, Go Take a Nap! You’re just jealous because they’ll never ask you to perform anything at the Super Bowl, unless maybe it’s Official Guacamole Taster. [He would be good at the coin toss.--Eds.]

Christian Bale said that he’s done with being Batman after The Dark Knight Rises, unless Christopher Nolan says otherwise. Christian, Go Take a Nap! Once you’re Batman, you’re always Batman. Go ask Adam West. [He's still Batman.--Eds.]

Don McLean said he didn’t write American Pie in Saratoga Springs but in Philadelphia, and he first performed it at Temple University, not at Caffe Lena. Don, that’s Just Nice. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, why not edit four or five minutes off the song for modern airplay. [This column was not edited at a coffee shop or bar.--Eds]

Elvis Costello is telling fans not to buy his new box set because it’s too expensive, and people should instead buy a Louis Armstrong box set which is cheaper. Elvis, Go Take a Nap! If we only bought stuff that was cheaper than more expensive stuff, none of the expensive stuff would get bought and it would just go to waste. [What about when the expensive stuff goes on sale?--Eds.]

And Tobey Maguire agreed to settle a lawsuit and pay $80,000 for some allegedly illegal poker winnings. Tobey, Go Take a Nap! You’re a real celebrity and you don’t need to gamble with your money for fun. Next time, get a bunch of pennies and play Tripoley with your friends instead. [He'll always be Spiderman.--Eds.]

Ricky Gervais promised to improve for his final gig as Golden Globe host, with no plans to tone down his jokes. Ricky, that’s Just Nice. But you don’t need to be controversial, scathing, or mean to have a successful evening. Try introducing Uma to Oprah for awhile. [We hope he's got some good jokes about Hal Linden and Imogene Coca.--Eds.]

Francis Ford Coppola said that there should’ve been only one Godfather movie, even though most people agree that the first sequel was one of the best sequels of all time. Francis, Go Take a Nap! If you hadn’t made Godfather 2, we wouldn’t have had that totally awesome Godfather III. [We like it when Sophia Coppola tries to act.--Eds.]

And Miley Cyrus claimed on video to smoke too much marihuana after friends brought her a Bob Marley birthday cake. Miley, Go Take a Nap! While I’m sure your music is better while stoned, do you have any idea how many young girls are going to get addicted to marihuana because of your influence? And then they’ll think they can fly and they’ll all jump out windows. [She should tour with Willie Nelson.--Eds.]

Brad Pitt said he plans to quit acting at the age of 50, which will be in three years. Brad, that’s Quite Nice. But why not just quit now instead? [They'll need him for "Ocean's Eleventy-leven."--Eds.]

Although TMZ.com reported that Andy Rooney’s roommate died at Rooney’s memorial service, he’s still quite alive after recovering from a heart attack. TMZ.com, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how stressful it is to have a heart attack, let alone to have a heart attack and be told you’re dead! Not cool. [Way not cool.--Eds.]

And Mariah Yeater has dropped her paternity suit against Justin Bieber, and the parties are now pursuing an arrangement without court involvement. Justin, Go Take a Nap! We want court involvement so we can find out the results of that paternity test! [Justin Bieber, Jr. would be a good name whether or not it's his baby.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber plans to take a paternity test when he gets back to America from Europe to put to rest allegations that he got Mariah Yeater pregnant backstage when he was 16. Justin, Go Take a Nap! You don’t need to do a paternity test to prove you aren’t the father. Just wait for the baby to get born and grow up, and if it has amazing hair, it’s your baby. [We're sure he'd make a good father.--Eds.]

The Brooklyn Museum will open an art exhibit which features a controversial piece consisting of ants crawling on a crucifix. Brooklyn Museum, Go Take a Nap! Ants on a crucifix? Nope. Ants in your pants? Yup. [No one would pay to see ants in pants.--Eds.] {I disagree.–Jack Jackson}

After some hubbub, Billy Crystal will now host the Oscars instead of Eddie Murphy. Billy, that’s Just Nice. Your safe and older comedic stylings will no doubt send a strong message to the young audience watching at home. [Hal Linden was unavailable?--Eds.]

And Cheap Trick plans to open a music-themed restaurant in Chicago. Cheap Trick, Go Take a Nap! Just open a restaurant. And make it good. And play music there if you like. But don’t make it a music-themed restaurant. [It sounds like a cheap trick.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber said he’s never even met Mariah Yeater, who claims she was impregnated by him, but she wants a paternity test and child support. Mariah, Go Take a Nap! If he’s somehow crazily is the father of your baby, you should ask for more than child support. You should make him name a song after you and the kid and you should make him take you on all of his tours and give you a bunch of coupons for KFC. [Popeye's is better.--Eds.]

And Scarlett Johansson said that the nude pix of her that everyone saw on the Internet were intended for then-husband Ryan Reynolds. Scarlett, Go Take a Nap! You don’t need to send nude pix to your then-husband. Just get naked for him in person. [A good deal.--Eds.]

Prince Charles said he is related to Vlad the Impaler as part of a way to help promote conservation of Transylvania’s forests. Prince Charles, that’s Quite Nice. Are you also related to Gummi bears so you can conserve the Black Forest? [We're related to Ents and we want to conserve Fangorn Forest.--Eds.]

Stephen Spielberg says he’s proud of the scene in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in which Indy survives a nuclear bomb by rolling around in a lead-lined refrigerator, because now people say “nuked the fridge” instead of “jumped the shark.” Stephen, Go Take a Nap! Oscar-winning directors should be proud of making movies that are good, not updating pop culture phraseology. [This column has definitely Imogened the Coca.--Eds.]

Michael Jackson earned $170Million last year. Michael, Go Take a (Dirt) Nap! That’s, like, 340Million cheap tacos! [Or 680Million cheap tacos on cheap taco night.--Eds.]

And Jason Alexander took his comedy to Israel in an effort to promote Mideast peace and the idea of two states for two people. Jason, Go Take a Nap! Do you think a few well-placed one-liners will stop people from blowing each other up? [It worked for Bob Hope.--Eds.]

Shia TheBeef got into another drunken bar fight, this time in Vancouver. By all accounts, he’s fine. Shia, Go Take a Nap! Sometimes when you get into drunken bar fights, it’s unavoidable, but sometimes you can just throw your drink at the enemy and run real fast and get away. Try that next time. [Don't start a fight you can't win.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber hopes that his Christmas album is one that everyone will remember. Justin, that’s Quite Nice. We will all remember it. Always. [Forever.--Eds.]

Hackers accessed the Sesame Street YouTube channel and uploaded pr00n0 to it. Hackers, Go Take a Nap! That’s not cool. Kids don’t want to see Bert and Ernie going at it. [They don't have penises.--Eds.]

And Charlie Sheen says he’s very disappointed with the direction Two and a Half Men has taken. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! Why would you care? You’re on to bigger and better things now. [We think he should do musicals.--Eds.]

Model Miranda Kerr will model a $2.5Million bra, called the Fantasy Treasure bra. Fantasy Treasure bra, Go Take a Nap! At $2.5Million, that’s, like 10Million cheap tacos! [Or $1.25Million per, um, er.--Eds.]

Sixteen actors in zombie makeup were injured when a set they were on fell while filming for Resident Evil 5, and the injuries were hard to distinguish from the fake guts. Sixteen actors, Go Take a Nap! When you fall and get injured and some are real and some guts are fake, you point out which are fake and which are real to the doctor, and that’s that. [That's why we'll never be fake zombies.--Eds.]

And George Lopez said he plans to return to tevee in a new family-centric sitcom soon. George, that’s Quite Nice. I can’t wait to set the DVR, so let us all know ASAP when we can catch that first episode. [Betamax was the superior format.--Eds.]

Andy Rooney gave his final “essay” on 60 Minutes last week at the age of 92, saying he wasn’t retiring because he’ll still write. Andy, that’s Quite Nice. Don’t forget to write! [He was always the best part of the show.--Eds.]

Sesame Street will feature a new character named Lily, who is described as a pink-faced member of a family dealing with “food insecurity.” Sesame Street, Go Take a Nap! It’s not food insecurity. It’s poverty and hunger. And puppets don’t eat. [And Bert and Ernie don't make love to each other.--Eds.]

And Hank Williams, Jr. ruined for himself one of the best-paying and easiest gigs in all of show business by saying something stupid about the president and Hitler and it’s all rather mundane, but then Hank tweeted that ESPN violated his First Amendment right to free speech. Hank, Go Take a Nap! You of all people, a Constitutional scholar, should understand that the restrictions on power in the Bill of Rights apply to government, not corporations, so ESPN can censor your ass all they want. [And how.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber rented out the Staples Center to have a steak and pasta dinner with Selena Gomez, and then they watched Titanic. Justin, Go Take a Nap! Do you really think meat and pasta is the way to Selena’s heart? You should’ve had a nice salad and you gotta have dessert, too. [We don't think eating at an arena is romantic.--Eds.]

Whoopi Goldberg said she can’t resist potato chips, she loves fried chicken, and won’t eat watermelon in public. Whoopi, that’s Quite Nice. I can’t resist good Indian food, I love pastrami, and I won’t eat grapefruit in public. [We can't resist pastries, we love tacos, and we won't eat nachos in public.--Eds.]

Roger Daltrey said modern music is lacking in strong vocalists who can lead bands, and puts some of the blame on shows like American Idol. Oh, Really? Maybe you need to check out Sputnik Kaputnik and the Cherry Mashers. [Indeed.--Eds.]

And Colin Powell has a new book which offers leadership advice. He says that you should “get mad, then get over it.” Colin, Go Take a Nap! All great leaders get mad and then punish those who made them mad, and then they rub their enemies’ faces in it. [We're mad, we're over it.--Eds.]

Lars von Trier says he’s not sorry for his comment about sympathizing a little bit with Hitler due to his German ancestry. Instead, he wishes he’d made it clearer that he was telling a joke. Lars, Go Take a Nap! You are an awful joke teller. You need some lessons. I’m free most evenings. [We have some advice, too.--Eds.]

Universal Pictures is planning to make yet another version of Scarface, but no details have been released. Universal Pictures, Go Take a Nap! Come up with some original ideas now and then. Like, how about a vampire movie where the vampires are really good at tap dance. [Or vampires who run a gourmet cupcake store?--Eds.]

R.E.M. officially broke up. Oh, Really? I didn’t know they were still together. [Good one.--Eds.]

And Mick Jagger is unsure whether the Rolling Stones will be playing a 50th anniversary tour. Mick, Go Take a Nap! You’ve gotta go out on the 50th, because if you skip it, people will demand a 60th. [We hope they do hand-bell choir stuff at the home.--Eds.]

Chaz Bono says he doesn’t want to be the first off of Dancing with the Stars. Oh, Really? Because being off first on reality shows is a compliment to the chef in some countries. [Mixed metaphors up next?--Eds.]

Kate Winslet was cutting up a chicken when she received a phone call that she was nominated for an Emmy. Kate, that’s Quite Nice. It’s nice to know some celebrities know how to cut up chickens. I’m guessing the great Hal Linden, Imogene Coca, and Gene Rayburn all knew how to cut chickens. [And how.--Eds.]

Dr. Mehmet Oz said that trace amounts of arsenic in apple juice pose a health risk, but the FDA disagrees. Mehmet and the FDA, Go Take a Nap! It seems pretty obvious that trace amounts of arsenic either are health risks or they’re not. Come to an agreement and let me know so I can plan accordingly. [It's good there's no old lace in apple juice.--Eds.]

And Charlie Sheen said he would’ve fired his own ass if he were CBS and he was he. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! You can’t fire your own ass. Period. [You can fire-off your ass, though, right?--Eds.]

Eddie Murphy said he will host the Oscars. Eddie, that’s Just Nice. I can’t wait to see Norbit do an opening medley. [We want Daddy Day Care 2.--Eds.]

And a big Phew! came out of southern California as the porn star who tested positive for HIV tested negative twice for HIV. Porn star, Go Take a Nap! You halted an entire industry for a few days! [And an important one at that.--Eds.]

As many as 7,000 people were expected to attend the Call of Duty XP convention, where a $150 ticket would get you previews of the newest game, real-life simulations of the game, and a performance by Kanye West. Call of Duty XP convention, Go Take a Nap! If  you can’t get the Insane Clown Posse to show up, the whole event comes off as a little cheap. [Faygo and real-life simulations of games don't mix.--Eds.]

JCPenney has pulled a T-shirt for girls which says: “I’m too pretty to do homework so my brother has to do it for me.” The shirt has been criticized by various groups as being sexist. Various groups, Go Take a Nap! It’s not sexist to be pretty or get other people to do homework for you! [We've been trying to get other people to edit this column for years.--Eds.]

Lindsay Lohan got a tattoo that of lyrics from Billy Joel’s I Go to Extremes. Lindsay, that’s Just Nice. But the lyrics for The Stranger or Scenes from an Italian Restaurant would’ve been way cooler. [We think "Allentown" would make a good tattoo.--Eds.]

An adult film star was diagnosed with HIV, causing many porn producers in L.A. to stop production. Many porn producers, Go Take a Nap! There’re lots of ways to say “I love you” without sex. Maybe you could make a movie or two where people just talk to each other nice and say nice things. [We probably wouldn't watch such a film.--Eds.]

And Billy Joe Armstrong of Green Day was kicked off a plane for having saggy pants. Billy Joe, Go Take a Nap! When you get on a plane, you pull up your pants. Then you sit down and do crosswords or listen to music or talk to your row-mates about current events and the weather where you’re from. [We like to crunch ice.--Eds.]

Sarah Jessica Parker said there are no immediate plans to make a third Sex and the City movie. SJP, Go Take a Nap! There better be immediate plans to make another fifteen Sex and the City movies, or else it’s all pretty meaningless, don’t you think? [The fifth installment better be in space.--Eds.]

Gerard Depardieu said that a prostate problem caused him to have to urinate into a bottle during takeoff on a flight, and he filled the bottle and it overflowed and it was embarrassing and a passenger said it looked like he was just drunk. Gerard, Go Take a Nap! If you drink too much at the airport bar and have to urinate on the flight, you gotta tough it out and wait for the captain to say you can use the bathroom, or you have to just pee your pants. Those are your two options. [Don't drink beer before your flights.--Eds.]

And Sean Penn said that he didn’t really understand The Tree of Life, and that Terrence Malick took the wrong approach to filming what he said was the most magnificent screenplay he’d ever read. Sean, Go Take a Nap! You shouldn’t go around bagging on films you’re in, and you really shouldn’t bag on the director. He’s probably not going to ask you to do another film with him! [We think this column is not-magnificent.--Eds.]

The rapper The Game could face criminal charges after using Twitter to encourage his over 580,000 followers to call a phone number for an internship, but it turns out that phone number was actually the number of the Compton sheriff station, and The Game was just pulling a prank. The Game, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows you don’t pull pranks on sheriffs. That just leads to trouble. [Whatever happened to ordering pizzas for people?--Eds.]

Adam Levine said that American Idol goes out of its way to hide the sexuality of its gay contestants. Adam, Go Take a Nap! It’s easy to tell which contestants are gay: they wear black eye makeup. [Um.--Eds.]

Charlie Sheen was pelted with debris after hosting the Insane Clown Posse’s Gathering of the Juggalos. Charlie, that’s Quite Nice. I think that means you’ve been officially accepted into the ICP family. [He should've had a Tiger Blood and Faygo.--Eds.]

And an 11-year-old mayor for a day in Texas declared a street as Justin Bieber Way. 11-year-old mayor for a day, Go Take a Nap! Whatever happened to Hal Linden Avenue or Imogene Coca Boulevard? [Gene Rayburn Road?--Eds.]

Sesame Street issued a statement that Bert and Ernie are not gay, would not get married on the show, are just puppets, best friends, and have no sexual orientation. Sesame Street, Go Take a Nap! Puppets have sexual orientation! Have you not seen the plushie fetish sites? [We prefer "plushophilia."--Eds.]

Tyler Perry may have his own cable channel soon. Tyler, Go Take a Nap! I don’t think the world needs 24/7 Madea. [Says you.--Eds.]

Gossip Girl and The Vampire Diaries won big at this year’s Teen Choice Awards. Oh, Really? [Vampires are sexy.--Eds.]

And Kanye West said that when he walks through a hotel or down the street, people look at him like he’s Hitler. Kanye, Go Take a Nap! No one would mistake you for Hitler. You don’t even have the Hitler mustache! [He does have the hair, though.--Eds.]

Charlie Sheen’s character on Two and a Half Men will be killed off and given a funeral on the show. Two and a Half Men, that’s Quite Nice. Every character on every show who dies should get a funeral on their respective shows, or on other shows. [They can't talk bad about him anymore.--Eds.]

Ashton Kutcher’s new character on Two and a Half Men will be Walden Schmidt, described as an Internet billionaire with a broken heart. Walden, Go Take a Nap! No one cares if you’re a billionaire or have a broken heart. It would be better if you were an excellent comedy writer with a lot of good jokes. [We think he should be an Internet trillionaire with a stable and satisfying relationship.--Eds.]

Over 900 Lucille Ball impersonators met for what would have been her 100th birthday in her hometown of Jamestown, New York. Over 900 Lucys, Go Take a Nap! If you can’t get that to 1,000 Lucys, it’s all pretty meaningless, don’t you think? [We won't care until it's at least 1,100 Lucys.--Eds.]

And Adam Levine is suing the makers of the video game Band Hero, because he says he only agreed to have his in-game avatar sing Maroon 5 songs, but you can actually use him to sing all the songs, even those not associated with Maroon 5. Adam, Go Take a Nap! You should be honored that people want to use your avatar so hard. [Er.--Eds.]

Glenn Beck said that the Norway youth summer camp run by the Labor Party “sounds a little like the Hitler Youth or whatever.” Glenn, Go Take a Nap! It’s not “or whatever.” That camp is exactly like the Hitler Youth: participation is optional, teens have a fun time and play soccer, and the goal is to become more involved in politics to become active members of society. [We were teenage Republicans, but now we're disenfranchised.--Eds.]

Rosie O’Donnell said that her new show on Oprah’s network will heavily involve her own sense of humor. Rosie, That’s Quite Nice. But I think I’ll pass. [Our editing heavily involves our own sense of doom.--Eds.]

Andrew Garfield said he likes the Spiderman role so much that he could play it his whole life. Andrew, Go Take a Nap! It’ll be way creepy when you’re playing Spiderman at the age of 88. Can you even imagine what those stinky old webs will look like? [Maybe special effects will be better by then.--Eds.]

And Leighton Meester sued her mom for misusing funds which she gave for the benefit of her younger brother who has medical problems. Her mom is accused of using those funds for things like drugs and plastic surgery. Leighton’s mom, Go Take a Nap! When you get money to misuse, you need to buy stuff with value, like gold or Elton John scented stones. [Those aren't stones.--Eds.]

Javier Bardem supports an international treaty to help actors ensure they get paid for their performances beyond a film’s release. He also wants the prices of movie tickets to go down so people won’t feel the need to pirate them. Javier, Go Take a Nap! You can’t have your butter and bread at the same time! If you pay actors, then the movies have to cost a lot to see. It’s basic supply and demand. [We wish Goobers were cheaper at the movies.--Eds.]

CBS won the ratings week with a series of reruns and reality shows. CBS, Go Take a Nap! Winning ratings week with reruns and reality shows is like winning America’s Got Talent with Geechy Guy and John Tesh. [Or Yahoo Serious and the Unknown Comic.--Eds.]

And Charlie Sheen is slated to return to tevee in a show based on the movie Anger Management. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! You coming back to tevee in a show called Anger Management is like Geechy Guy coming back to tevee in a show called America’s Got Talent. [Or Howie Mandel coming back to Make Me Laugh.--Eds.]

Cory Monteith found out he would not be back for the fourth season of Glee via the Hollywood Reporter, and Chris Colfer found out via Twitter. Cory and Chris, Go Take a Nap! You should’ve seen this coming because your performance reviews came back negative and you didn’t get the promotions you were hoping for. [We hope to find out we've lost this editing job via Twitter.--Eds.]

Stephen Spielberg will make his first Comic-Con appearance this week, promoting a new movie about Tintin. Stephen, Go Take a Nap! Your first appearance is with Tintin footage? First appearances ought to be made of sterner stuff. [He's as constant as the northern star.--Eds.]

And QVC cancelled an appearance by Jane Fonda because it received complaints about her Vietnam activism of the early 1970s. QVC, Go Take a Nap! You can’t give in every time someone pushes back! You’ve got to bully the bullies or they’ll always win. [Maybe she was going to sell Excessive Machines?--Eds.]

Daniel Radcliffe admitted that he was at one point reliant on alcohol and is lucky that the paparazzi never caught him at his worst moments. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how awesome it would be to see a drunken wizard casting drunken spells? You might turn a witch into a wardrobe or something. [We prefer drunken noodles.--Eds.]

And Charlie Sheen will be roasted on Comedy Central. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! Those jokes are just gonna write themselves. It’ll all be a perfunctory exercise. For example: “Q: How much cocaine has Charlie Sheen done? A: So much that his septum turned white!” [Or was it his philtrum?--Eds.]

Shia TheBeef said he hooked up with Megan Fox while filming a Transformers movie. Shia, Go Take a Nap! If you said that to impress us, we’re not impressed. However, if you’d hooked up with Megatron, that would be newsworthy. [We bet Bumblebee is a real sexpot.--Eds.]

A statue of Chuck Berry will indeed be installed in St. Louis, despite objections from locals over his prior criminal history. Locals, Go Take a Nap! If we objected to every statue of every person on the grounds that they had a criminal history, we’d only have, like, two statues. [One would be Hal Linden, the other of Imogene Coca.--Eds.]

And Elijah Wood said that returning to New Zealand to film The Hobbit would be like a family reunion. Elijah, Go Take a Nap! You’re not related to Hobbits! [He might be. He has the eyes.--Eds.]

Florence Henderson says she got crabs from John Lindsay, who was the mayor of New York at that time. Florence, that’s Really Quite Nice. I mean it. That’s Really Quite Nice. [We prefer to call them pubic lice.--Eds.]

The iconic dress Marilyn Monroe wore in The Seven Year Itch sold recently at auction for $4.6Million. Marilyn’s iconic dress, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos that is? That’s like 9.2Million cheap tacos! [Or 18.4Million cheap tacos on cheap taco night.--Eds.]

A group of investors sued Tobey Maguire over some poker winnings which the lawsuit claims were fraudulent transfers of money. Tobey, Go Take a Nap! You don’t need to play poker for money. Just play for peanuts. It’s the same rush. [We play for cashews.--Eds.]

And a judge gave Lindsay Lohan a citation for rooftop partying. Judge, Go Take a Nap! Lindsay has to party on the rooftop or it all just goes to shit. [We like rooftop gardens.--Eds.]

The Academy Awards will not always nominate ten pictures for best picture each year. Instead, they’ll nominate anywhere from five to ten movies, depending upon how many are deemed worthy. Academy Awards, Go Take a Nap! Until you have a category for best hybrid monster movie or best Hal Linden movie, it’s all pretty meaningless, don’t you think? [Sharktopus?--Eds.]

Hugh Hefner (85) did not get married to a 24-year-old Crystal Harris because she had a change of heart. Crystal, Go Take a Nap! You could’ve been married to someone old enough to be your great-grandfather! [Ewww.--Eds.]

And the new Popemobile will be a Mercedes-Benz electric hybrid. Mercedes-Benz, that’s Quite Nice. But you should really make one that can float on water. [That was a joke?--Eds.]

The ratings for the MTV Movie Awards were down for the second year in a row, despite extra swearing and fondling. MTV Movie Awards, Go Take a Nap! You can’t get better ratings just because you swear and fondle! You’ve got to provide real entertainment, like, for example, Hal Linden and Imogene Coca doing their version of Me and My Shadow. [Estelle Getty would be a nice add, too.--Eds.]

John Stewart cut his finger on a broken glass while taping a segment making fun of Andrew Weiner. John, Go Take a Nap! You need to be more careful! And stop joking around! [We cut some wieners while editing this post.--Eds.]

Prince Harry and Prince William have to mark their shoes so they make sure they aren’t wearing each other’s. Princes, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows if you see some shoes that look like yours but you’re not sure they are, you just sniff the insides. If they smell like your feet, they’re your shoes. [Sounds easy enough.--Eds.]

And Russell Crowe apologized for his anti-circumcision tweets. Russell, Go Take a Nap! You go ahead and be strong in your beliefs. You’re a big Hollywood actor and you’ve got an Oscar. [And some extra skin?--Eds.]

Kid Rock is aiming to make his next record less serious. Kid Rock, Go Take a Nap! These are serious times and we need some serious rock. [We could go for less Kid Rock.--Eds.]

Wayne Rooney is delighted with the result of his hair transplant. Wayne, that’s Just Nice. I haven’t seen it yet, so I don’t know whether to be delighted or not. [We bet you'll be delighted.--Eds.]

The MTV Movie Awards will feature exclusive clips from upcoming movies. MTV Movie Awards, Go Take a Nap! Exclusivity breeds jealousy. [We're not going to be jealous, because we're going to watch.--Eds.]

Tiger Woods was last year’s highest-paid athlete. Tiger, Go Take a Nap! I didn’t win any tournaments last year, either, and I’m still writing this damn column for  peanuts. [And can you imagine what we get paid?--Eds.]

And Leonard Cohen won Spain’s top award for writers who don’t write in Spanish. Spain, Go Take a Nap! How do you know what’s good non-Spanish writing? Do you see America giving awards for non-American writing? [Some things get lost in translation, of course.--Eds.]

Oprah’s last show, after 25 years, was a paean to her fans and she talked about how much her fans helped her grow and her only regret was not spending more time on bringing attention to sexual molestation of children. Oprah, that’s Quite Nice. But one show on sexual molestation of children is enough, and you devoted 217 shows to the topic, so I think you brought an adequate amount of attention to it. [She should've done 218 shows on the topic.--Eds.]

Some old 1966 tapes reveal that Bob Dylan was once addicted to heroin and had suicidal thoughts. Oh, Really? Well maybe he can write some songs about it all. [Rolling stones gather heroin?--Eds.]

Mark Zuckerberg now only eats animals he’s slaughtered his ownself. Mark, that’s Just Nice. But I haven’t seen any pix yet on , so it didn’t really happen. [Maybe he's worried that he would steal the animals' souls if he photographed them?--Eds.]

And more than 122 million votes were cast for American Idol. American Idol, Go Take a Nap! You can’t crown an American Idol until every man, woman, and child votes! [And everyone who votes should get a free taco.--Eds.]

After 45 years, Jerry Lewis will host the Muscular Dystrophy Association’s Labor Day Telethon one more time, and he will also sing one more time. Jerry, that’s Quite Nice. You’ve earned a day of vacation after 45 years of hard work. Just don’t ask Drew Carey to replace you. [Maybe Bob Barker is available?--Eds.]

Japan deported Russell Brand for prior legal issues but the reasons were not revealed because of privacy concerns. Japan, Go Take a Nap! You gotta tell us what crazy stuff he did so we can figure out whether the deportation was justified. [Maybe he left using the same door he entered?--Eds.]

Rod Stewart said his new Las Vegas show will be just a rock show, and won’t feature midgets nor will it feature magicians. Rod, Go Take a Nap! If you want me to come see you, you better wheel out a magical midget or two. [Vern Troyer is probably free.--Eds.]

And Jake Gyllenhaal wants websites to pull a faked picture of him in underwear. Jake, Go Take a Nap! You’re a celebrity and websites are supposed to have pictures of celebrities in underwear, even if they’re fake. [We like the Buffy fan-fiction.--Eds.]

Ashton Kutcher will replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Ashton, that’s Quite Nice. Will they call the show Two or Three Men now? [We like "After Sheen."--Eds.]

Rod Stewart said he wants to start writing songs again. Rod, that’s Just Nice. Go ahead. See if we care. [We care.--Eds.]

Britney Spears will be featured in a biographic comic book which is part of the Fame series. Britney, that’s Just Nice. Maybe you can battle Spawn or something. [We saw that on the bus.--Eds.]

And after Marg Helgenberger said Justin Bieber was a brat, Justin fired right back and called Marg kinda lame. Justin, Go Take a Nap! You need to learn how to slam on people better than that. Say stuff like Marg is a real turd sandwich, or maybe that her gramma wore combat boots. [Or that she smells like pepperoni.--Eds.]

Katy Perry said she didn’t really have a childhood and that her parents were so evangelical that no one in her house was allowed to say things like deviled eggs or Dirt Devil. Katy Perry’s parents, Go Take a Nap! You can’t hide the devil from your daughter! You’ve got to let her experience temptation or else she’ll grow up and sing about kissing girls! [And marry Russell Brand.--Eds.]

Mariah Carey named her newborn twins Moroccan and Monroe. Monroe, the daughter, was named after Marilyn Monroe, and the son, Moroccan, was named after the Moroccan Room, where Nick Cannon proposed to her. Moroccan and Monroe, Go Take a Nap! Your names are way whack, dude. Time to see the judge for an official name change. [They couldn't help it.--Eds.]

Julia Roberts wants to help introduce millions of clean-cook stoves to the world by 2020, because toxic fumes from cooking stoves in developing countries kill two million people a year. Julia, Go Take a Nap! It’s not cooking stoves that kill people, it’s the toxic fumes coming from them that kills the people. If people would cook with gas masks on, it would be all good. [Or they could cook outside?--Eds.]

And more than half of Americans recently polled said they would never support a Trump-Palin ticket for president and vice-president. More than half of Americans, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how crazy things could get with Trump-Palin running the show? Everyday would bring a new tevee-worthy event, and they’ve both got nice hair. [Kinda.--Eds.]

Guy Fieri urged the California Legislature to pass a resolution which would encourage parents to cook with their kids on Sundays. Guy, that’s Quite Nice. But wouldn’t it be more fun to get a greasy burger and fries at the local diner or dive or drive-in? [And then the family could film each other eating and put it on YouTube.--Eds.]

Superman suggested to the United Nations that he might renounce his U.S. citizenship because he’s tired of people believing his actions are dictated by U.S. interests. Superman, Go Take a Nap! You don’t need to apologize for anything. You spun the Earth backwards to save Lois Lane from an earthquake, and that’s good enough for me. [He also put a big hurt on General Zod.--Eds.]

And Oprah’s last show will be a huge star-studded affair. Oprah, that’s Just Nice. Make sure you invite Hal Linden and Imogene Coca, because they’re the biggest stars you can use to stud-up your finale. [Paul Lynde wouldn't be a bad guest, either.--Eds.]

Evan Rachel Wood said she’s like the guy when she dates women, being the more dominant one. Evan Rachel, that’s Really Quite Nice. It’s nice to know what people are getting into when they date someone, so I’m sure you’ll have no shortage of women calling you asking you to dominate them. [We take on the editorial role when dating.--Eds.]

In unrelated news, Thomas Dekker said in Out magazine that he understands there are rumors he’s gay, but he’s only had relationships with women, and he’s not going to rule out having a relationship with men. Thomas, Go Take a Nap! How is that addressing your sexuality? We want to hear whether you’re dominant when you date other men, or what you’re into, like maybe space-docking or double-decking. [We think he and Evan Rachel ought to hang out and pet each other's hair off.--Eds.]

James Franco will be pursuing a Ph.D. at the University of Houston’s creative writing program. James, that’s Quite Nice. Maybe it will lead to something someday. [Like maybe he can host the Agatha Awards?--Eds.]

And Snoop Dogg is facing criticism for sponsoring Blast by Colt 45, a 23.5-ounce can of malt liquor with 12% alcohol, which is equal to drinking a six-pack of beer. Snoop, Go Take a Nap! Your stature should get you better endorsement deals, like 26-ounce cans of malt liquor with 14% alcohol content. [It's all about the flavor.--Eds]

Prosecutors say they have evidence that Michael Jackson’s doctor was juggling phone calls and texts from three different women hours before Michael’s death. Prosecutors, Go Take a Nap! Sounds like you’re just a bit jealous. Anyone who can juggle phone calls and texts from three different women and take care of a patient is A-OK in my book. [Actually, he didn't do a very good job taking care of the patient.--Eds.] {Sounds like some editors are jealous, too.–Jack Jackson} [Whatever.--Eds.]

Dennis Quaid said cocaine was factored into film budgets in the 1980s, and that he was doing so much cocaine while filming The Big Easy that he was only getting one hour of sleep each night. Dennis, Go Take a Nap! An hour of sleep is all you need when you’re on cocaine. [We're not sure that's the point of the story.--Eds.]

Seal, Santana, and Sting are all headliners at this year’s Montreaux Jazz Festival. Montreaux Jazz Festival, that’s Quite Nice. But couldn’t you get Sade, Selena, and Shakira, too? [We were hoping for Imogene Coca and Hal Linden.--Eds.]

And Charlie Crist made a public YouTube apology to David Byrne for his campaign’s unauthorized use of Road to Nowhere. Charlie, that’s Quite Nice. I’m sure you’ll be a nice example for all politicians in the future, who will never, ever do anything unauthorized again. [At least for awhile.--Eds.]

A life-sized reenactment sculpture of Michael Jackson dangling his baby over a hotel railing popped up in London, causing an uproar from fans. Fans, Go Take a Nap! I just looked at a picture of the sculpture and I think it really captures the moment. And because it’s just a sculpture and Michael Jackson is dead and the baby isn’t a baby anymore, there’s no threat of harm to anyone. [The sculpture makes a post-modern statement about what it means to dangle babies over railings.--Eds.]

And Bristol Palin made $262,500 in 2009 for advocating teen sex abstinence. Bristol, that’s Quite Nice. But if you’d paid attention to your own advice, you wouldn’t have that lovely baby! [Just don't dangle it over railings, unless you want a sculpture made later.--Eds.]

Prince William will not be wearing a wedding ring because of personal wishes. Prince William, Go Take a Nap! How will all the women you meet know you’re married? A ring is a symbol of your betrothal! [Maybe he's just trying to save some money for the honeymoon?--Eds.]

John Mellencamp and Stephen King are working on a musical described as riveting Southern Gothic. John and Stephen, that’s Just Nice. But you sure don’t need to qualify Southern Gothic with riveting, because it’s pretty obvious anything you two put together that’s Southern Gothic will be riveting. [And poppy/macabre?--Eds.]

For some reason, a 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair telephone survey asked people about Justin Bieber, and 30% of the respondents said they thought he would be in celebrity rehab by the time he’s 30. 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair telephone survey, Go Take a Nap! Who cares if people think Bieber’s headed for celebrity rehab at 30? We all want to know where he’s headed right now. [Probably to a movie.--Eds.]

And Rosie O’Donnell will film her show where Oprah does after Oprah’s done. Rosie, that’s Quite Nice. You have a big studio and some big shoes to fill! [We think she'll fit.--Eds.]

Sammy Hagar said he was abducted by aliens and they downloaded information from his brain wirelessly to see what he knew. Sammy, Go Take a Nap! Aliens wouldn’t need to wirelessly download your brain to figure out what you know. All they have to do is watch a bunch of Van Halen videos and concert footage. [And read his new book.--Eds.]

Those attending the royal wedding are told not to tweet or hug the queen. Royal wedding, Go Take a Nap! Would it hurt to let a few people hug the queen and then tweet that they hugged the queen? I think it would be Really Quite Nice. [That's Just Nice.--Eds.]

Elizabeth Taylor was buried next to Michael Jackson, her friend of many years. Elizabeth and Michael, Go Take a (Dirt) Nap (together)! [Forever.--Eds.]

And Snoop Dogg is promoting a new and controversial alcoholic beverage, Blast by Colt 45. The drink is controversial because the 12% alcoholic drink comes in flavors like grape and raspberry watermelon and critics allege kids will confuse it with soft drinks. Snoop Dogg, Go Take a Nap! You need to change the flavors to stuff like “adult melon” or “not-for-teens pruneberry” or something or else all the kids everywhere will get torched and then we’ll really be screwed. [How about broccoliberry?--Eds.]

Steven Soderbergh said he’s going to stop making movies after his next two. Steven, Go Take a Nap! If you don’t make Ocean’s Fourteen and Ocean’s Fifteen, how will we know how their story ends? [He should just skip to the final episode, "Ocean's Seventeen."--Eds.]

And Garrison Keillor says he plans to retire as well, but probably not until 2013. Garrison, Go Take a Nap! The whole world ends in 2012! How do you think you’ll get to retire a year after the world’s end? [Maybe it's to maximize his Social Security?--Eds.]

And James Blunt is not going to be playing organ at the royal wedding. It turns out that was just a joke. James, Go Take a Nap! I had the DVR all programmed and ready to go, but now there’s just no reason to watch anymore. [And the marriage will be done sometime in 2012, anyway, what with the world's end and all.--Eds.]

Lady Gaga is suing the makers of Baby Gaga, a breast-milk-flavored ice cream sold at a London shop, for trademark infringement. Lady Gaga, Go Take a Nap! Anyone who knows anything about trademark law knows that breast-milk-flavored ice cream is . . . oops. I just lost my train of thought there. You write the joke. [It wasn't going to be funny, anyway.--Eds.]

Kathy Griffin said she’d host the Tony Awards if asked. Kathy, that’s Quite Nice. Here’s a list of stuff I’d host, if asked: the Oscars; a Minute with Andy Rooney; Comedy Central’s Roast of Hal Linden and Imogene Coca; Batman’s Batman Dance Hour; and an Elton John scented-stone collection party. [Those aren't stones.--Eds.]

Amanda Seyfried admitted that she was scared by the Little Red Riding Hood story as a child. Amanda, Go Take a Nap! That story was obviously way fake. No one could blow a house down and then have the energy to bake kids and eat them. [At least it wasn't a mixed metaphor.--Eds.]

Guy Fieri’s yellow Lamborghini was stolen but it’s been spotted throughout the Bay Area, including on the Golden Gate Bridge and in Tiburon. Guy Fieri’s yellow Lamborghini, Go Take a Nap! He needs you back and he needs you now! He has a bunch of chili dogs he wants to eat in you and look at the camera and say stuff like: “Oh, man, this tastes real good.” [We haven't seen his car around here yet.--Eds.]

And Nick Lachey wrote a fight song for the Big East conference’s men’s basketball tournament. Nick, that’ s Just Nice. Next maybe you can write a fight song for some of the other conferences as well, and then maybe you could put them all onto one tape available at a local record store. [He should make a picture book as a go-with, too.--Eds.]

The Oscars telecast had some of the worst ratings in years, and many critics thought James Franco and Anne Hathaway did a lackluster job hosting. Critics, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how hard it is to write jokes and tell them and get the delivery and timing right? [It must be very, very hard.--Eds.]

Best Actor Colin Firth said he’d like to do some comedy for a change of pace. Colin, that’s Quite Nice. Why don’t you try hosting the Oscars? [He and Gary Busey would do a good job.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber’s hair clippings sold for $40,688, and the proceeds of the sale will go to The Gentle Barn charity. Justin Bieber’s hair clippings, that’s Really Quite Nice. So now every time Justin gets a haircut, he can sell the clippings and raise money for charities. It’s a win-win situation: he gets a haircut and a charity gets some cash. [Our barber throws our hair clippings in the trash.--Eds.] {Mine, too.–Jack Jackson}

Gary Collins got a reprieve from criminal charges related to walking out on a tab at a Biloxi restaurant. Gary, that’s Just Nice. But don’t let it get to your head. You should pay your tab next time. [And don't forget to tip.--Eds.]

And a French doctor has a new theory that Michael Jackson suffered chemical castration in order to fight acne, which kept his voice from maturing. French doctor, Go Take a Nap! I don’t want to hear about any theories that involve chemical castration. It sounds just plain awful. [We prefer acne to chemical castration.--Eds.]

[Note: Jack Jackson is away on vacation this week. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.-- Eds.]

I got to stay up super-duper late last night because uncle Jack said I had to watch the super-duper boring Oscars show. Mom was cool with it because she says it’s okay that all the celebrities are gay or Jewish as long as they don’t make it legal for gays to marry or smoke weeds. Dad was a different deal cuz he thinks liberal Hollywood people are what’s causing all the tourist attacks. But uncle Jack was ready for that one cuz he just told my dad he could have some Olive Garden Groupons or something as long as I got to stay up and watch the show.

So it was a big deal the hosts were young but the dude looked old to me and my mom said he’s one of the gay Jews who smokes weeds all the time. Dad said the girl probably was a gay Jew, too, but he said she was pretty pretty and that was okay and maybe he was gonna see some of her movies soon.

It was a real ripoff Toy Story 3 only won best animation movie but not best movie. Who wants to watch some old English guy learn to talk? And a movie about Facebook has to be lame. I’m on Facebook and other than Farmville there’s not much fun to do.

Some people died again and they showed them all and then some way old guy came out and I thought he was going to die right there and dad said the old dude was probably the only not gay Jew in the whole show and mom said she thought he was Jewish but dad didn’t want to talk about it and no one bothered to look it up on the Internet so I guess it doesn’t matter.

And dad almost switched it off after that one lady swore on TV but we couldn’t hear it and dad asked mom what she said and she spelled it for dad and I could totally tell what swear word it was anyway the first time on TV.

OK gotta go. Dad says I can’t spend anymore time on this or else I won’t be a four sport athlete.

Charlie Sheen said he’s ready to get back to work on Two and a Half Men. Charlie, that’s Just Nice. But you gotta give me some time to catch up with all the episodes on the DVR machine first, because Two and a Half Men is like a box of really rich chocolates: you have to savor each one and indulge sparingly, or else you’ll get sick from it all. [We watch the episodes but don't skip the commercials to provide a more even pacing.--Eds.]

Charlie also said that being sober made him bored. Charlie, that’s Just Nice. It’s a sign of intelligence to know what one likes and dislikes, and it’s good to know that you like partying with five women and a suitcase of cocaine. [Allegedly.--Eds.]

Tiger Woods tweeted an apology for spitting on the 12th green at the Dubai Desert Classic. Tiger, Go Take a Nap! You don’t need to apologize for anything you do. You’re the world’s number-one golfer, you’ve got tons of endorsement deals, the cash is flowing in like crazy, and you’ve got a loving wife and family. [This isn't 2008.--Eds.]

Justin Bieber apparently posed for some red-carpet Grammy pictures with his fly unzipped, but it was unzipped in a non-meaningful way and all you could see was more pants. Bieber, Go Take a Nap! If you’re gonna run around without zipping up your pants, you shouldn’t pose for pictures. [He is only 16.--Eds.]

More good news for the Bieber: he won the MVP trophy at the NBA All-Star celebrity game, and Rick Fox said Bieber has the softest hair. Bieber, that’s Really Quite Nice. That kind of compliment from a real NBA star means you’ve finally made it. [Where, we don't know.--Eds.]

Michael Jackson’s estate has earned over $310Million since his death in 2009, but his estate reportedly had over $400Million in debt when he died. Michael Jackson, Go Take a (dirt) Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos $400Million can buy you? [800 million?--Eds.] {Maybe 1600 million.–Jack Jackson}

And Baz Luhrmann is slated to direct a 3-D version of The Great Gatsby starring Leonardo DiCaprio. Baz, Go Take a Nap! Unless you go whole hog and film it in 3-D IMAX, I fail to see how the effort will be worthwhile. [Maybe it'll look cool on a really big TV?--Eds.]

Bristol Palin may or may not have a memoir available this summer. Bristol, Go Take a Nap! How can you leave us hanging and dangling like this? We want to know whether you have a memoir available this summer right now. [We can wait until summertime to find out.--Eds.]

Miley Cyrus said she’s sorry about the salvia bong hit she took which was depicted in a picture that swirled around the Internet. Miley, that’s Quite Nice. Being young and doing drugs and then getting it all over the Internet is no way to lead your life. We’re glad you’ve turned a new leaf and will remain totally drug free for the rest of your life. [Or at least do drugs alone in the basement with the lights out.--Eds.]

Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding will not be broadcast in 3-D. Prince and Kate’s wedding, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how awesome a 3-D wedding would be? It would be beautiful and exciting and you get to wear those awesome glasses the whole time, and when he reaches out to put the ring on her ring finger, it’ll be like you could practically reach out into the tevee and touch it all. [We don't want to see British teeth in 3-D.--Eds.]

And Arnold Schwarzenegger says he’s ready to return to acting after finishing his stint as California’s governor. Arnold, that’s Quite Nice. We’ve been waiting for Contra 2 and more Mr. Freeze one-liners. [Cool it. --Eds.]

Elton John said that Billy Joel needed to find himself some better, tougher rehab. Elton, Go Take a Nap!  People don’t need better or tougher rehab. They just need to be loved, and they need to stop doing drugs and drinking so much that they’re walking through life all whacked-out all the time. And just imagine how much sooner we would’ve landed on the moon if nobody ever got too drunk or did too many drugs? [We probably would've never gotten to the moon without some extra help.--Eds.]

And a red swimsuit that Farrah Fawcett wore on Charlie’s Angels is now part of the Smithsonian’s National Museum of American History. Farrah’s red swimsuit, that’s Quite Nice. But when will the Smithsonian add Hal Linden’s mustache and Imogene Coca’s glasses? [We're waiting for the Jokermobile to get added.--Eds.]

Grave robbers took the coffin and body of popular Italian TV host Mike Bongiorno from its tomb. Grave robbers, Go Take a Nap! Do you seriously want the ghost of a popular Italian TV host running around the planet causing trouble? [Sounds like a good idea for a sitcom to us.--Eds.]

And Sex & the City 2 and Twilight Saga: Eclipse lead the Razzie nominations. Oh, Really? I thought those movies were totally sweet. [We watched them in 1.5x speed.--Eds.]