Mark Wahlberg and Justin Bieber are planning to star in a basketball movie together, but it’s being delayed due to script rewrites. Mark and Justin, Go Take a Nap! Just start filming! I’m sure it will be liquid Hollywood gold. [We wanna see Wahlberg throw an elbow at Bieber.--Eds.]

And Prince Charles did the weather on BBC TV Scotland to help celebrate its 60th anniversary. Prince Charles, that’s Quite Nice. Maybe you could make it a regular gig. [It's how David Letterman got his start.--Eds.]

And Martin Scorsese liked 3-D so much in Hugo that he plans to use 3-D in all of his future movies. Martin, that’s Just Nice. I can’t wait to see a mafia movie in 3-D, so I can see all that swearing and Joe Pesci in 3-D. [You could just swear in real life in 3-D.--Eds.]

It took about five minutes before the “staff” paid us any attention. They seemed to be more interested in socializing with the foosball players. The menus strangely boldly claim that all their food is baked in convection ovens. But they also serve “paninis,” which no doubt will bunch Richard Ripshaw’s panties. After all, a singular sandwich is a “panino” and the plural is “panini.” What “paninis” are, and how one can make one in a convection oven, remains a mystery.

I chose the French dip. After a couple of apologies for being late with the au jus, our server ultimately copped that they had no au jus that day. He did offer to give me half off the sandwich. Ultimately, after the bill came with all items at full price, I talked them into giving me my whole sandwich for free. I’m just that persuasive these days.

The sandwich likely would’ve been alright with some au jus. I’ll likely never know.

I found out later that it is well known to not go to the 12th Street Pub on nights other than the taco Tuesdays.

Much was made of Snoop Dogg rapping with a holographic Tupac Shakur at Coachella. Tupac, Go Take a Nap! Your ghost is scaring the kids. [We were moved.--Eds.]

And Willie Nelson revealed a statue of himself in Austin, Texas, and then sang his new song, Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die. Willie, Go Take a Nap! Smoking cadaverous ashes is not a good idea, not at all. Just come back as a hologram and rap with Tupac. [Might be some good shit in there.--Eds.]

Dad told me I needed to get better at this column stuff or else he was going to send me to military camp or something. He says if I’m not as good as Tiger Woods at this by next year, there won’t be any more Christmas. I don’t care if there’s more Christmas. I didn’t get the iPad2, and I bet I won’t get an iPad3, so who cares?

I guess Amanda Bynes was drunk, but her dad says she wasn’t, so now it’s all, like, whatever. Maybe the cops know?

I want to see the new Spiderman movie, but that new Spiderman looks like a tool. They might as well get Bieber as a villain. They could have their hairdos fight for an hour.

I also really wanna see that Avengers movie. HULK SMASH! SMASH, HULK! LOLZ and OMGZ.

It’s hard to write gossip when no one gives nine-year-old kids any inside info. So I decided I’d come up with my own: no one knows who broke the vase with the basketball in the family room. It could be someone close, or a total stranger.

I saw an episode of Survivor. Everyone is mean and whispers the “habba-habba” and then it’s just a bunch of commercials. Booring.

Oh, here’s a joke. Q: Why did Batman cross the road? A: That’s where Robin was.

Alright. I hope you like this column better. If you like it, there might be Christmas again.

And Alyson Hannigan said she’s already preparing for the therapy her kids will need when they see the American Pie movies. Alyson, Go Take a Nap! Just feed them pre-chewed food right from your pie-hole! [Not a bad idea.--Eds.]

Ashton Kutcher signed up to be one of the first passengers on Richard Branson’s flight into suborbital space, which will generate a feeling of weightlessness. Ashton, Go Take a Nap! If you want to feel weightlessness, just tie a bunch of helium balloons to your lawn chair and then you can wave at people below. [Don't forget to take some corn dogs.--Eds.]

Kirk Cameron said he was surprised that people were surprised by his anti-gay comments a couple of weeks ago. Kirk, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows that everyone in Hollywood is gay, so you’re surprised you surprised some people? [We're surprised he's surprised people were surprised.--Eds.]

And Gallagher is retiring, but said he would like to do some small things, like company parties. Gallagher, that’s Just Nice. I think your comedic stylings would be a good fit for a company party. [Or a child's birthday party?--Eds.]

Dionne Warwick thinks Whitney Houston died from a heart attack, that her heart just gave out. Dionne, that’s Just Nice. You’re probably right. [We're not doctors.--Eds.]

Chad Ochocinco bought fried chicken and cupcakes for 200 of his Twitter followers in New York City. Chad, that’s Really Quite Nice. I’m gonna have to follow you on Twitter now. [You don't have to.--Eds.]

And a former staffer on Rosie O’Donnell’s show said Rosie made the show a hellhole. Former staffer, Go Take a Nap! I doubt it was a real hellhole. You can tell the difference when a real demon comes out and enslaves humanity for all time, or something similar. [We have a hellhole.--Eds.]

Universal Pictures is still going to make Ouija, a movie about the board. Universal Pictures, Go Take a Nap! You can’t make a whole movie based on a board game, but if you’re gonna, please let it be a cool board game, like Aggravation or Small World: Underground. [We like board games with space themes.--Eds.]

Dick Van Dyke, 86, happily married a makeup artist, 40. Dick, that’s Really Quite Nice. You stay happy. Just don’t tell us about your sex life. [We don’t wanna know.–Eds.