God loves football
Elton John wants Justin Timberlake to play him in a biopic he’s working on. Elton, that’s Quite Nice. But I want Justin to play Jack Jackson in a biopic I’m working on, too, so I guess it’s time to fight. [We want him to play us as twins in the biopic, too.--Eds.]
Charlie Trotter will reportedly close his Chicago restaurant after 25 years so he can travel and pursue an education in philosophy and political theory. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! What good is philosophy and political theory going to do you when you don’t have a restaurant to run anymore? [Maybe he's planning a politico-philosophico restaurant featuring watermelon water?--Eds.]
Ricky Gervais said he should’ve focused more on one-line zingers when he hosted the Golden Globes last year, because the audience has a short attention span. Ricky, Go Take a Nap! We can pay attention to zingers that are at least two lines in length, maybe three or four! [We're sorry--what?--Eds.]
And Chaz Bono wants to get a metoidioplasty, a procedure which turns female parts down there, which have been enlarged by testosterone, into a small, fully functional, um . . . . [Penis.--Eds.] {Right.–Jack Jackson}
