Begin Phase 2
Charlie Sheen’s character on Two and a Half Men will be killed off and given a funeral on the show. Two and a Half Men, that’s Quite Nice. Every character on every show who dies should get a funeral on their respective shows, or on other shows. [They can't talk bad about him anymore.--Eds.]
Ashton Kutcher’s new character on Two and a Half Men will be Walden Schmidt, described as an Internet billionaire with a broken heart. Walden, Go Take a Nap! No one cares if you’re a billionaire or have a broken heart. It would be better if you were an excellent comedy writer with a lot of good jokes. [We think he should be an Internet trillionaire with a stable and satisfying relationship.--Eds.]
Over 900 Lucille Ball impersonators met for what would have been her 100th birthday in her hometown of Jamestown, New York. Over 900 Lucys, Go Take a Nap! If you can’t get that to 1,000 Lucys, it’s all pretty meaningless, don’t you think? [We won't care until it's at least 1,100 Lucys.--Eds.]
And Adam Levine is suing the makers of the video game Band Hero, because he says he only agreed to have his in-game avatar sing Maroon 5 songs, but you can actually use him to sing all the songs, even those not associated with Maroon 5. Adam, Go Take a Nap! You should be honored that people want to use your avatar so hard. [Er.--Eds.]
