Don’t pull my finger
The Oscars telecast had some of the worst ratings in years, and many critics thought James Franco and Anne Hathaway did a lackluster job hosting. Critics, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how hard it is to write jokes and tell them and get the delivery and timing right? [It must be very, very hard.--Eds.]
Best Actor Colin Firth said he’d like to do some comedy for a change of pace. Colin, that’s Quite Nice. Why don’t you try hosting the Oscars? [He and Gary Busey would do a good job.--Eds.]
Justin Bieber’s hair clippings sold for $40,688, and the proceeds of the sale will go to The Gentle Barn charity. Justin Bieber’s hair clippings, that’s Really Quite Nice. So now every time Justin gets a haircut, he can sell the clippings and raise money for charities. It’s a win-win situation: he gets a haircut and a charity gets some cash. [Our barber throws our hair clippings in the trash.--Eds.] {Mine, too.–Jack Jackson}
Gary Collins got a reprieve from criminal charges related to walking out on a tab at a Biloxi restaurant. Gary, that’s Just Nice. But don’t let it get to your head. You should pay your tab next time. [And don't forget to tip.--Eds.]
And a French doctor has a new theory that Michael Jackson suffered chemical castration in order to fight acne, which kept his voice from maturing. French doctor, Go Take a Nap! I don’t want to hear about any theories that involve chemical castration. It sounds just plain awful. [We prefer acne to chemical castration.--Eds.]
