Uppity Uppish

•October 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Chris Brown tweeted that he thought the Ebola epidemic is a form of population control, then quickly recanted. Chris, Go Take a Nap! Of course the Ebola epidemic is a form of population control! It kills people! [It doesn't kill everyone.--Eds.]

Brad Pitt said he got his grandfather’s shotgun when he was in kindergarten. Brad, that’s Just Nice. We hope you used it to kill snakes. [And varmints.--Eds.]

Bono apologized for the automatic iTunes downloads of the new U2 album. Bono, that’s Really Quite Nice. Just don’t ever let it happen again. [Everyone gets to disappoint us once.--Eds.]

Amy Poehler admitted she’s done cocaine, and that she loved it but grew to hate it, because it’s great to stay up all night and play ping pong with strangers, but the next day is rough. Amy, Go Take a Nap! The next day is only rough when you stop doing cocaine! [Everything has an end.--Eds.] {And a beginning.–Jack Jackson}

And Shailene Woodley said she’s a professional at losing her virginity because she’s done it onscreen four times. Shailene, Go Take a Nap! Losing your virginity isn’t a competition! [Unless it's a competition.--Eds.]

Dranky poo

•October 12, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Director Paul Feig said he’s working on a new Ghostbusters movie and it will star hilarious women. Paul, that’s Really Quite Nice. The best comedies star the most hilarious people. [We just want everyone to be sexy.--Eds.]

Robert Downey, Jr. said he would ask Matthew Broderick for permission before he talked to Sarah Jessica Parker. Robert, that’s Quite Nice. In today’s world, people are used to doing whatever they want, whenever they want. You are a breath of fresh air. [We want Iron Man 4.--Eds.]

Zach Galifianakis said that being a celebrity is dumb and he’s not interested in it, and that he just likes being an actor. Zach, Go Take a Nap! If that’s true, just stop acting in movies and start acting in your bathroom. It’s actually really fun. [We pretend to be pirates.--Eds.]

And the writers of Archer said the spy organization will no longer be known as ISIS because of the rise of ISIS in the Middle East. Writers of Archer, Go Take a Nap! Isis is the name of an Egyptian goddess! Do you think she would ever change her name? [Probably not, but she might think about it after all those videos.--Eds.]

Thuh Orioles

•October 5, 2014 • Comments Off

William Shatner admitted he was contacted about being in the third J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie, even though Shatner said couldn’t figure out how it would work in the movie because it would be a 50-year time jump. Shatner, Go Take a Nap! You just jump into a wormhole, and boom, it’s 50 years ago. [Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young.--Eds.]

Threshold Entertainment is working on a Tetris movie. Threshold Entertainment, that’s Just Nice. Will people have the ability to choose a more difficult version to watch when they buy their tickets? [Or will they get more points the longer they watch it?--Eds.]

The sexual assault support group, RAINN, criticized Maroon 5’s new video for Animals because it is a dangerous depiction of a stalker’s criminal fantasy. Maroon 5, Go Take a Nap! You’re better than that. Whatever happened to nice videos? [Billy Joel always made nice videos.--Eds.]

Taylor Swift criticized the celebrity culture that encourages stars to surround themselves with a bunch of people that just validate their lives. Taylor, Go Take a Nap! If I want to surround myself with people who do nothing but validate my life, that’s my choice, and I don’t care what you say. [Freedom ain't free.--Eds.]

And Robert Downey, Jr. said he would do another Iron Man movie if Mel Gibson directed it. Robert, Go Take a Nap! You should do another Iron Man movie no matter who directs it! Those movies are super cool and you make a lot of money. [We want Werner Herzog to direct a few.--Eds.]

Crappening 3

•September 28, 2014 • Comments Off

Denzel Washington said he enjoys being anonymous in public, especially in New York. Denzel, that’s Just Nice. But sometimes you just gotta be yourself. [We enjoy being anonymous at home.--Eds.]

Ridley Scott said his sequels to Prometheus will not feature the famous Alien xenomorphs. Ridley, Go Take a Nap! Xenomorphs rock, and people like to see them spray acid on stuff. [Maybe they can make a cameo with Jar-Jar.--Eds.]

And Justin Bieber said he busted his eardrum after an ill-fated cliff dive. Justin, Go Take a Nap! If you cliff dive and break your other eardrum, you won’t be able to hear yourself sing and then you won’t sing as well. [Ears are like the noses of smelling.--Eds.]

Entitulation

•September 21, 2014 • Comments Off

Robin Thicke said he was high most of 2013. Robin, Go Take a Nap! Drugs are a dead end. [He made a lot of money while high.--Eds.]

Leonardo DiCaprio was named as a UN Messenger of Peace. Leonardo, that’s Really Quite Nice. I hope that works out for you. [All we are saying, is give peace a chance.--Eds.]

And Dr. Lawrence Cohen, Joan Rivers’ personal doctor, took a selfie with Joan while she was unconscious for the operation that led to her death. Dr. Cohen, Go Take a Nap! That is so unprofessional. [But was it a good pic?--Eds.]

A Gamblor

•September 14, 2014 • Comments Off

Dolly Parton said she never became a mother because she would’ve likely given up her dream of singing. Dolly, Go Take a Nap! You can have a kid and sing! Look at Michael Jackson! [We gave up our dreams of singing to edit this lame column.--Eds]

Caroline Wozniacki said Rory McIlroy dumped her over the phone. Rory, Go Take a Nap! You don’t end an engagement by phone! That’s what instant messaging is for! [We like dumping on Snapchat.--Eds.]

And scientists named an extinct Egyptian long-legged pig after Mick Jagger, Jaggermeryx naida. Scientists, that’s Quite Nice. You are always free to name something after me as well, say, JackJacksonmeryx naida. [You probably need to become more famous for that.--Eds.]

Fuball go

•September 7, 2014 • Comments Off

Justin Bieber was charged with dangerous driving near his hometown in Canada after an ATV hit a minivan and occupants got into a yelling match, but the reports leave it unclear whether he was driving the ATV or was a passenger in the minivan. Reports, Go Take a Nap! How can gossip columnists adequately write one liners when you don’t tell us exactly what to make fun of? [We are putting the house on the Biebs being the driver of the minivan.--Eds.]

Bill Murray said he thinks a female Ghostbusters crew is a great idea. Bill, that’s Just Nice. I also like the idea of going back in time and preventing the production of Ghostbusters 2. [Oh, it wasn't that bad.--Eds.]

And Gene Simmons said Rock has been murdered by file sharing and shows like The Voice. Gene, Go Take a Nap! There’s tons of Rock to listen to now. They cover it on The Voice, and you can download it from torrent sites! [.sde--.daed si kcoR]

Labour Solid

•August 31, 2014 • Comments Off

[Note: Jack Jackson is away on vacation this week, celebrating solidarity with the workers of the world. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.-- Eds.]

So dad said minimum wage should stay low so we don’t have to give people food stamps because they’re lazy. He said we have to make people wanna work and work hard all the time, otherwise people shoot each other, but that’s what happened with that girl and the Uzi, so dad said he would take me to the shooting range and we could start with something smaller like a .22 rifle, but I just wanna play Diablo 3 all night cuz they updated it with a cool patch and you can start over in a season if you want to.

Joan Rivers almost died I guess. She looks like a plastic doll, so maybe she can’t die.

Mom said I couldn’t watch Orange is the New Black with her because it’s too adult. I told her I didn’t wanna watch it anyway, so it was like no big deal.

Those new Star Wars movies are probably gonna be really cool, but Uncle Jack said he won’t see them unless they kill Jar-Jar in like the first five minutes. I think Jar-Jar is OK, but he would be pretty annoying to have over.

Batman and Superman are gonna be in some new movie, but I really don’t see how Batman is gonna help. Superman can pretty much do whatever, and Batman has to have all that Batstuff to be a superhero, so maybe Batman just tells Superman what to do, like, go find the Joker.

Challenge challonge

•August 24, 2014 • Comments Off

Pierce Brosnan said he was in consideration to play Batman for Tim Burton’s movie, but he said he never took the idea seriously because Batman wears underwear on the outside of his pants. Pierce, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how awesome it looks and feels to wear underwear on the outside of your pants? [Not to mention it's a social statement.--Eds.]

The Dominican Republic banned an upcoming Miley Cyrus concert based on her stage act which go against morals and customs. Dominican Republic, Go Take a Nap! Sticking your tongue out and pretending to have sex is just a normal Friday night. [Sometimes also Saturday, if we're lucky.--Eds.]

And Justin Bieber drove his car up onto a sidewalk in Beverly Hills and almost hit an elderly woman with a walker. Justin, Go Take a Nap! You missed out on 10 points! [Bonus points for totaling the walker.--Eds.]

Git Ur Undon

•August 17, 2014 • Comments Off

Gene Simmons apologized for comments earlier in the week suggesting that depressed people should kill themselves. Gene, that’s Just Nice. Apology accepted. Now go kill yourself. [That's harsh.--Eds.]

The Teen Choice Awards are apparently rigged, with online votes being meaningless. Teen Choice Awards, Go Take a Nap! One Direction is the best band ever and I voted for them and so that’s gotta mean something or else the entire system of government will devolve into pure anarchy because the people have no faith in democracy if they believe their votes don’t count. [Nihilism is nigh.--Eds.]

And Daniel Radcliffe said he was not very good in the Harry Potter movies, that he made a lot of young acting mistakes. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! That you haven’t won a Lifetime Achievement Award for your work as Harry Potter is still beyond me. [He's got a whole lifetime ahead of him to earn that.--Eds.]