•July 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Charlie Hunnam disagrees that 50 Shades of Grey is mommy porn, and said instead it’s a really sophisticated dynamic. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! I may not know exactly how to define mommy porn, but I know it when I see it. [We prefer mummy porn.--Eds.]

Philip Seymour Hoffman did not leave any money to his children because he wanted them to be normal. Philip, Go Take a Nap! The most normal thing kids can do is inherit a bunch of cash so they can buy cool stuff and friends. [We didn't even have rich parents.--Eds.]

And Beverly Hills police told Justin Bieber’s neighbors that they can’t arrest anyone for misdemeanors if they don’t witness them, but the neighbors could perform a citizens’ arrest of Bieber. Beverly Hills police, that’s Just Nice! I’m sure that will all go extremely well. [And smoothly.--Eds.]

No nope no

•July 20, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Emma Stone said it’s magical that her dead grandfather leaves her quarters. Emma, Go Take a Nap! That’s not magical! That’s supernatural! [Our dead gramma leaves us strange odors.--Eds.]

Marvel said Thor is now a woman. Marvel, Go Take a Nap! You can’t keep calling her Thor, then. You gotta call her Thoress. [Thorina?--Eds.]

Archie will die in a comic book taking a bullet for his gay friend. Archie, that’s Really Quite Nice. But now you’re dead. [But the gay friend lives on.--Eds.] {You can’t get pregnant in the mouth.–Jack Jackson}

And Leah Remini said the best thing about leaving the Church of Scientology is that she can drink again. Leah, Go Take a Nap! That’s not the best thing at all! It’s that you can praise and hail the one true God, Glogorax! [We would miss the parties.--Eds.]

Wheeling Fortune

•July 13, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Sherri Shepherd said she is leaving The View after seven years and seven is God’s number of completion in the Bible. Sherri, that’s Just Nice. But if seven is the number of completion, maybe you should’ve been done after seven episodes? [Or seven minutes?--Eds.]

Taylor Swift said music is an art, and people should pay for art. Taylor, Go Take a Nap! Music is in the air! You can’t buy and sell air! [Probably in the future, though.--Eds.]

Daniel Radcliffe said it was unlikely that he would play Harry Potter again, after J.K. Rowling revealed a new Harry Potter short story. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! If you don’t play Harry Potter, they’ll get Johnny Depp to do it and he’ll try to all pirate it up in there. [Maybe Hal Linden is free?--Eds.]

And the Insane Clown Posse lost their lawsuit challenging the FBI’s labeling of them as a loosely organized hybrid gang. Insane Clown Posse, Go Take a Nap! You need to get more organized if you’re ever going to lose that loosely organized label! [We often feel this column is loosely organized.--Eds.]

Fourth off

•July 6, 2014 • Leave a Comment

[Note: Jack Jackson is away on vacation this week. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.-- Eds.]

Uncle Jack is on vacation this week, but dad says he’s probably just passed out in a ditch.

That new Transformers movie looks cool but everyone says it’s bad. I wanna see the Dinobots, but mom says they’re not real because dinosaurs aren’t real. They look pretty real in the commercials.

I saw that guy eat all those hot dogs and my dad said he was glad an American who won again. He said that Japanese guy was a cheater. I don’t even like hot dogs that much.

Dad said we’re going to be bombing Iraq again because we didn’t bomb them enough the first time. He doesn’t know how many bombs are enough.

And mom was happy about Hobby Lobby. She said they have good deals on frames this week.

Curdled whup

•June 29, 2014 • Leave a Comment

An unidentified bidder paid just over $2Million for a handwritten copy of Bob Dylan’s lyrics for Like a Rolling Stone. Unidentified bidder, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos you can buy with $2Million? That’s like, 4 million cheap tacos. [Or 8 million really cheap tacos.--Eds.]

Sting said he will not give any of his $300Million estate to his children because he and his wife plan to spend it all. Sting, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos your kids could buy with $300Million? That’s like, 600 million cheap tacos. [Or 1.2 billion really cheap tacos.--Eds.]

Willie Nelson said everyone should go vote, but not to get high before they vote so they remember to vote. Willie, that’s Really Quite Nice. But voting sober is kind of boring. [And leads to fascism.--Eds.]

And Kim Jong-Un does not think the upcoming movie, The Interview, is very funny because it’s about an assassination attempt on his life. Kim, Go Take a Nap! You don’t know whether something is funny until you see it, and the movie doesn’t come out until October! [Maybe he saw a rough cut?--Eds.]

Previously unenjoyed

•June 22, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Alex Trebek is now the Guinness World Record holder for most game show episodes hosted by the same presenter with 6,829 episodes of Jeopardy! Alex, that’s Really Quite Nice. But the only reason you have that record is because no one else has hosted the show. It’s time to give Jack Jackson a chance. [We put it on in the background while we make dinner.--Eds.]

Jay Leno will receive the 17th annual Mark Twain prize for American Humor. Jay, that’s Just Nice. Your winning gives unfunny comedians everywhere hope. [Zing!--Eds.]

And Willow and Jaden Smith admit that they like to sleep with snakes in their bedrooms. Willow and Jaden, Go Take a Nap! Sleeping with snakes is, like, so passé. [We sleep with pillows and sheets.--Eds.]

Flex ball innovation

•June 15, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Dave Chapelle said he never quit is popular show. Instead, he said he’s just seven years late for work. Dave, Go Take a Nap! If you don’t show up for three days, you are deemed to have automatically quit according to the employee handbook! [We never read that thing.--Eds.]

George R.R. Martin does not like the way the Iron Throne looks in HBO’s Game of Thrones. George, Go Take a Nap! If you don’t like it, make one you do like and send it to them. [He's too busy writing to make iron thrones.--Eds.]

Nicolas Cage wore a T-shirt with a Nicolas Cage meme to a Guns N’ Roses concert. Nic, Go Take a Nap! You gotta wear your GNR tour tee when you see GNR. [Maybe it was dirty?--Eds.]

And Chelsea Handler is leaving her show because she can’t stand to talk about celebrities like Justin Bieber and the Kardashians. Chelsea, Go Take a Nap! Celebrities like Bieber and the Kardashians make a lot of interesting stories for us to discuss. [We are more worried about the fall of Mosul, honestly.--Eds.]


•June 8, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Justin Bieber has been non-stop crying ever since the videos of him saying racist things have been released on the Innerweb. Justin, that’s Quite Nice. A good laugh and cry both cleanse the mind. [Backwards ran videos until reeled the mind.--Eds.]

Steve Burns from Blues Clues said he quit the show suddenly because he was losing his hair fast. Steve, Go Take a Nap! You just get yourself a can of GLH hair in a can and spray that on top and it’s all good. [We still have a little left somewhere in the attic.--Eds.]

And Gwyneth Paltrow said she believes human consciousness can change the structure of water. Gwyneth, that’s Just Nice. Shape of: an icicle! [We want to turn water into whiskey.--Eds.]

Panda Garden (Lincoln)

•June 4, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Yami is the hot Korean spot for now, but Panda Garden has had a Korean menu for a long time and I finally made my way out there with Riphsaw and friends. I was originally confused that Panda Garden was only a Chinese restaurant, but they have two distinct Chinese and Korean menus. If you stop by for lunch, you get to pick an entree and get soup and access to the kimchi bar.

A selection of kimchi from the kimchi bar.

A selection of kimchi from the kimchi bar.

The kimchi bar has about six options, along with some fresh vegetables to add. The variety at Yami is larger, but you get to choose what you want at Panda Garden. I found the potatoes to be rather bland and too crunchy, but the cabbage and celery were really good.

We also ordered fried pot stickers and the seafood pancake, both of which came out piping hot and would be excellent hangover cures.

Chicken bulgogi.

Chicken bulgogi.

I chose the chicken bulgogi for my entree and after eating all the appetizers and kimchi, I only put a small dent into the entree. It was good but was milder than I expected. It became a good reheated meal the next day.

The owners are extremely cordial and helpful, but the dishes seemed to lack a brightness and bite that you get at Yami. Possibly Yami uses more salt and spice (certainly more garlic) than Panda Garden.

Regardless, the lunch special is a great bargain and everything I had was very good. I intend to return to try other dishes.

Panda Garden on Urbanspoon

Whoopee Tushion

•June 1, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Macaulay Culkin’s band dedicated to pizza walked off stage at a performance in England after the crowd booed and threw pints of beer at them. Macaulay Culkin’s band, Go Take a Nap! You finish your set, even if the crowd throws beer at you. That’s how the race is won. [The show must go on.--Eds.]

Channing Tatum said he partied too hard with Shia LeBeouf when they were filming A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints in 2006. Channing, Go Take a Nap! There is no such thing as partying too hard. It’s a party until you die. [All the world is a stage.--Eds.]

Video of some members of One Direction showed Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson smoking marihuana. Zayn and Louis, Go Take a Nap! You have a lot of impressionable fans and now they’ll all smoke weed, too. [Legalize it and tax it, we say.--Eds.]

Charlize Theron compared intrusive media coverage to rape. Charlize, that’s Just Nice. Does that make basic media coverage more like consensual sex? [And getting interviewed is like making it to second base.--Eds.]

And Rick Baker, the special effects artists for E.T., revealed that E.T. was originally supposed to be a horror movie and sequel to Close Encounters of the Third Kind where the aliens could kill each other with their fingers, but Stephen Spielberg thought it would be too dark. Spielberg, Go Take a Nap! I want to see aliens kill each other with their fingers. [Oddly enough, so do we.--Eds.]