Fleeting feeling

•October 4, 2015 • Comments Off on Fleeting feeling

Vin Diesel said that he will finish the Fast and Furious series with a trilogy, bringing the total to 10 movies. Vin, that’s Just Nice. But why stop at 10 when you could do 20? [That’s a bit much.–Eds.]

Jennifer Lawrence said that it will be the end of the world if Donald Trump becomes president. Jennifer, Go Take a Nap! The world will not end until the Great Water Wars of 2041! [We might colonize Mars by then.–Eds.]

Justin Bieber said fans need to show him respect in order to get photos with him. Bieber, that’s Just Nice. Everyone needs to respect each other, especially fans of celebrities. [We have to turn down a lot of photo ops.–Eds.]

Justin Bieber said he wants to live like Jesus, because he wants to love people and Jesus died for our sins. Bieber, that’s Really Quite Nice. But wanting to be something isn’t the same as being it. [Ontologically.–Eds.]

And Justin Bieber smoked marihuana and drank Henessey on stage in New Zealand. Justin, Go Take a Nap! Jesus wouldn’t have smoked marihuana and drank Henessey on stage! [How do you know for sure?–Eds.]

Dollar Hello

•September 27, 2015 • Comments Off on Dollar Hello

Snoop Dogg started a marihuana-based company called Merry Jane to be a “premier media platform at the intersection of cannabis and pop culture.” Snoop, that’s Just Nice. One thing this world needs now is a “premier media platform at the intersection of cannabis and pop culture.” [What about a way to desalinate water?–Eds.]

Robert Pattinson said he was hungover for most of the time he promoted Twilight at the MTV VMAs. Robert, that’s Just Nice. Glad you can still do your job even when you’re not feeling 100%. [Our 90% is better than most people’s 100%.–Eds.]

And the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals declared the Batmobile to be a copyrightable character. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, Go Take a Nap! The Batmobile isn’t a character! It’s a way of life! [We are copyrightable characters.–Eds.]


•September 20, 2015 • Comments Off on Twinging

Matt Damon said his Jason Bourne character would beat up Ben Affleck’s Batman. Matt, Go Take a Nap! Bourne and Batman are just guys, but Batman is super-rich and has a bunch of Bat-stuff, so there’s no way Batman is gonna lose that one. [We think Superman would have a good shot against Batman.–Eds.]

Michael Moore said that Quentin Tarantino voted for the first time after watching Fahrenheit 9/11. Michael, that’s Really Quite Nice. Voting is a good way to participate in society. [We voted after seeing Roger and Me.–Eds.]

And Waka Flocka Flame said transgender people like Caitlyn Jenner have the devil in them. Waka, Go Take a Nap! Transgender people don’t have the devil in them! They have thousands of little angels inside. [They’re hard to count.–Eds.]

Slippage time

•September 13, 2015 • Comments Off on Slippage time

Ellen Degeneres said judging on American Idol was one of the worst decisions she’s ever made. Ellen, Go Take a Nap! Judging on American Idol is a great honor and you get to be on tevee and yell at people. [We still regret choosing to edit this column.–Eds.]

Tom Hardy said he’d like to be Bane again and beat up both Batman and Superman. Tom, Go Take a Nap! Batman is just a guy, and Superman would knock out Bane’s teeth with lasers before he tore Bane’s head off with a cold blast of air and then he would punch Bane into the sun. [Jeez.–Eds.]

And Justin Bieber made some a fan cry after refusing to take a picture with her. Bieber, Go Take a Nap! It’s super not cool to make your fans cry. [We do it all the time.–Eds.]

Binge again

•September 6, 2015 • Comments Off on Binge again

Steven Spielberg said that superhero movies will eventually go the way of the Western. Steven, Go Take a Nap! Superhero movies are here to stay! [We like them.–Eds.]

Pornhub is offering a college scholarship based on visitors uploading videos about how they strive to make other people happy. Pornhub, that’s Really Quite Nice. Making porn makes people happy. [It objectifies everyone.–Eds.]

And We Are Your Friends had one of the worst weekend openings in box office history. We Are Your Friends, Go Take a Nap! Just throw in a few superheroes for the DVD director’s cut and it will all be fine. [DJs are like real-life superheroes.–Eds.]

Big Brush

•August 30, 2015 • Comments Off on Big Brush

Costumesupercenter.com caused controversy by selling a Call Me Caitlyn Halloween costume to honor Caitlyn Jennner, but protesters say it is exploitative of transgender people. Costumersupercenter.com, Go Take a Nap! No one needs a costume to become transgender! You just need lots of surgery and hormone therapy! [And knowing you were born in a body of the wrong gender.–Eds.]

Dr. James Thomas named a newly discovered coral reef L. eltoni, after Elton John. Dr. James Thomas, that’s Just Nice. I’m sure Elton will stop by to say thanks soon. [We were hoping for E. eds.–Eds.]

And Miley Cyrus said she is pansexual, meaning she is potentially attracted to people of all gender varieties. Miley, that’s Really Quite Nice. Just love the one you’re with. [There is no sexuality, only desire.–Eds.]

Whippin’ it

•August 23, 2015 • Comments Off on Whippin’ it

The MTV Moonman was refashioned and now has more color. MTV Moonman, Go Take a Nap! There’s no color on the moon! [The dark side is really dark, too.–Eds.]

The movie Straight Outta Compton is not playing in Compton, because there are no movie theaters in Compton due to lack of economic investment. Compton, Go Take a Nap! No movie theater? You probably don’t even have an IKEA or Trader Joe’s! [No Whole Foods, either.–Eds.]

And Slash said he’s no longer feuding with Axl Rose. Slash, that’s Just Nice. Now we can get ready for your reality show, Slash and Axl Don’t Feud Anymore. [It is nice to be nice.–Eds.]

Dust been

•August 16, 2015 • Comments Off on Dust been

Natalie Dormer of Game of Thrones said men are objectified on TV just as much as women. Natalie, Go Take a Nap! Looks don’t matter for men! Only talent counts. [We want to be treated like objects sometimes.–Eds.]

David Beckham’s daughter, 4, was photographed with a pacifier in her mouth. David Beckham’s daughter, Go Take a Nap! By the time you reach 4, you should be shoving your thumb in your mouth! [Nah, that’ll ruin her teeth.–Eds.]

Kristen Stewart doesn’t like sexuality labels and thinks people won’t care whether you’re gay or straight in a few years. Kristen, that’s Quite Nice. But we need to know your sexuality so we can decide what kinds of fantasies we want to have about you. [Just do everything.–Eds.]

Bryan Cranston said he finds Donald Trump’s attitude to be refreshing. Bryan, that’s Just Nice. It’s refreshing for an actor to find a politician refreshing. [It’s just refreshing to be alive.–Eds.]

William Shatner will be on a “totally immersive” Star Trek cruise. Shatner, that’s Just Nice. I hope there’s no trouble with Tribbles. [Classic.–Eds.]

And George R. R. Martin said the ending for Game of Thrones will be bittersweet. George, Go Take a Nap! The ending better be totally sweet. [We hope everyone dies.–Eds.]

Manga these

•August 9, 2015 • Comments Off on Manga these

Miles Teller said he probably thinks he’s better looking than the public thinks he is. Miles, Go Take a Nap! You’re exactly as good-looking as the public thinks you are. [You can’t control how others perceive you.–Eds.]

Taylor Swift’s new clothing line might offend some Chinese people because of the logo “T.S. 1989,” which are her initials and birth year, but also could stand for Tiananmen Square and the year of the slaughter of the protesters. Taylor Swift, Go Take a Nap! Making light of massacres on clothing is so way not cool. [We thought it stood for Taco Stand.–Eds.]

And Kermit the Frog broke up with Miss Piggy, citing lots of squabbling. Kermit and Miss Piggy, that’s Just Nice. Hopefully you will each find that one true love. [Aren’t they puppets?–Eds.]

Fantastic Four (2015)

•August 8, 2015 • Comments Off on Fantastic Four (2015)

This Fantastic Four reboot origin story is pretty bad. It’s not awful, but it is close to unwatchable, and far less entertaining than the heavily reviled Pixels. At least it has the decency to keep itself to 100 minutes and forego a false ending.

Note to future scientists: DO NOT work on an inter-dimensional travel gate with anyone whose last name is VON DOOM, especially after he gets his advanced degree and (spoiler alert) becomes DR. DOOM. But as with many of the other summer movies, the real villain is reckless pursuit of science.

Most other critics have noticed that the main cast is certainly capable and the acting is fine, but boyoboyoboy, manomanoman is this plot a dud. With a thud. And you know Tim Blake Nelson plays a bad guy because he chews gum with his mouth open, and with great affectation, possibly an acting skill he learned from his junior high drama teacher.

The movie is about 80% boring and lame setup, then a reckless drunken trip to Planet Zero, and then a final act which is sudden and innocuous. The movie is shot with a really dark blue look, and that sets the tone of depression and malaise.

It starts with a search for a power converter, and ends with everything being fantastic. Sue Storm is cold but she loves Portishead and is really good at pattern recognition. Apparently none of the patterns she can see raise any red flags about working with a creepy guy with attachment issues named VON DOOM.

The origin story includes welding and screwing and bolting and tweaking source code. Oh, and there’s a really exciting moment when Reed Richards spins in an office chair and takes a selfie (spoiler alert) of himself. And remember your really cool sunglasses when you’re in the lab, because inter-dimensional travel is really bright. Personally, I would just look away.

Here’s the real spoiler alert: how they get their superpowers is pretty lame, just a simple throwback to The Fly and the Brundlefly. They return to Earth, but the rock guy does so with rocks, the flame guy does so with fire, the plastic guy does so with, um, Silly Putty (I guess), VON DOOM does not return but instead fuses with his suit and the Planet Zero, and somehow their return causes Sue (who never went to Planet Zero) to fuse with a force field and an invisible hat (I guess). This all happens just after a healthy dose of American exceptionalism by planting a U.S. flag on Planet Zero and Instagramming it.

None of it would’ve happened if they hadn’t been drunk. So raise a glass and get drunk, because you never know where you might end up the next day, or who you might become.

It’s funny that VON DOOM gets jealous over the face time Reed gets with Sue, but Reed only seems to have man-bro love for his buddy, Thing. It is a bit reminiscent of Captain America’s love for Bucky.

The final battle includes some pretty laughable special effects, especially when Reed does a double-punch across about 50 yards, à la Dhalsim. But even though they have some differences, the Fantastic Four are able to set those differences aside to save Earth and become a family.

It would be touching, but who wants to touch the Thing?