Big Brush

•August 30, 2015 • Comments Off on Big Brush caused controversy by selling a Call Me Caitlyn Halloween costume to honor Caitlyn Jennner, but protesters say it is exploitative of transgender people., Go Take a Nap! No one needs a costume to become transgender! You just need lots of surgery and hormone therapy! [And knowing you were born in a body of the wrong gender.–Eds.]

Dr. James Thomas named a newly discovered coral reef L. eltoni, after Elton John. Dr. James Thomas, that’s Just Nice. I’m sure Elton will stop by to say thanks soon. [We were hoping for E. eds.–Eds.]

And Miley Cyrus said she is pansexual, meaning she is potentially attracted to people of all gender varieties. Miley, that’s Really Quite Nice. Just love the one you’re with. [There is no sexuality, only desire.–Eds.]

Whippin’ it

•August 23, 2015 • Comments Off on Whippin’ it

The MTV Moonman was refashioned and now has more color. MTV Moonman, Go Take a Nap! There’s no color on the moon! [The dark side is really dark, too.–Eds.]

The movie Straight Outta Compton is not playing in Compton, because there are no movie theaters in Compton due to lack of economic investment. Compton, Go Take a Nap! No movie theater? You probably don’t even have an IKEA or Trader Joe’s! [No Whole Foods, either.–Eds.]

And Slash said he’s no longer feuding with Axl Rose. Slash, that’s Just Nice. Now we can get ready for your reality show, Slash and Axl Don’t Feud Anymore. [It is nice to be nice.–Eds.]

Dust been

•August 16, 2015 • Comments Off on Dust been

Natalie Dormer of Game of Thrones said men are objectified on TV just as much as women. Natalie, Go Take a Nap! Looks don’t matter for men! Only talent counts. [We want to be treated like objects sometimes.–Eds.]

David Beckham’s daughter, 4, was photographed with a pacifier in her mouth. David Beckham’s daughter, Go Take a Nap! By the time you reach 4, you should be shoving your thumb in your mouth! [Nah, that’ll ruin her teeth.–Eds.]

Kristen Stewart doesn’t like sexuality labels and thinks people won’t care whether you’re gay or straight in a few years. Kristen, that’s Quite Nice. But we need to know your sexuality so we can decide what kinds of fantasies we want to have about you. [Just do everything.–Eds.]

Bryan Cranston said he finds Donald Trump’s attitude to be refreshing. Bryan, that’s Just Nice. It’s refreshing for an actor to find a politician refreshing. [It’s just refreshing to be alive.–Eds.]

William Shatner will be on a “totally immersive” Star Trek cruise. Shatner, that’s Just Nice. I hope there’s no trouble with Tribbles. [Classic.–Eds.]

And George R. R. Martin said the ending for Game of Thrones will be bittersweet. George, Go Take a Nap! The ending better be totally sweet. [We hope everyone dies.–Eds.]

Manga these

•August 9, 2015 • Comments Off on Manga these

Miles Teller said he probably thinks he’s better looking than the public thinks he is. Miles, Go Take a Nap! You’re exactly as good-looking as the public thinks you are. [You can’t control how others perceive you.–Eds.]

Taylor Swift’s new clothing line might offend some Chinese people because of the logo “T.S. 1989,” which are her initials and birth year, but also could stand for Tiananmen Square and the year of the slaughter of the protesters. Taylor Swift, Go Take a Nap! Making light of massacres on clothing is so way not cool. [We thought it stood for Taco Stand.–Eds.]

And Kermit the Frog broke up with Miss Piggy, citing lots of squabbling. Kermit and Miss Piggy, that’s Just Nice. Hopefully you will each find that one true love. [Aren’t they puppets?–Eds.]

Fantastic Four (2015)

•August 8, 2015 • Comments Off on Fantastic Four (2015)

This Fantastic Four reboot origin story is pretty bad. It’s not awful, but it is close to unwatchable, and far less entertaining than the heavily reviled Pixels. At least it has the decency to keep itself to 100 minutes and forego a false ending.

Note to future scientists: DO NOT work on an inter-dimensional travel gate with anyone whose last name is VON DOOM, especially after he gets his advanced degree and (spoiler alert) becomes DR. DOOM. But as with many of the other summer movies, the real villain is reckless pursuit of science.

Most other critics have noticed that the main cast is certainly capable and the acting is fine, but boyoboyoboy, manomanoman is this plot a dud. With a thud. And you know Tim Blake Nelson plays a bad guy because he chews gum with his mouth open, and with great affectation, possibly an acting skill he learned from his junior high drama teacher.

The movie is about 80% boring and lame setup, then a reckless drunken trip to Planet Zero, and then a final act which is sudden and innocuous. The movie is shot with a really dark blue look, and that sets the tone of depression and malaise.

It starts with a search for a power converter, and ends with everything being fantastic. Sue Storm is cold but she loves Portishead and is really good at pattern recognition. Apparently none of the patterns she can see raise any red flags about working with a creepy guy with attachment issues named VON DOOM.

The origin story includes welding and screwing and bolting and tweaking source code. Oh, and there’s a really exciting moment when Reed Richards spins in an office chair and takes a selfie (spoiler alert) of himself. And remember your really cool sunglasses when you’re in the lab, because inter-dimensional travel is really bright. Personally, I would just look away.

Here’s the real spoiler alert: how they get their superpowers is pretty lame, just a simple throwback to The Fly and the Brundlefly. They return to Earth, but the rock guy does so with rocks, the flame guy does so with fire, the plastic guy does so with, um, Silly Putty (I guess), VON DOOM does not return but instead fuses with his suit and the Planet Zero, and somehow their return causes Sue (who never went to Planet Zero) to fuse with a force field and an invisible hat (I guess). This all happens just after a healthy dose of American exceptionalism by planting a U.S. flag on Planet Zero and Instagramming it.

None of it would’ve happened if they hadn’t been drunk. So raise a glass and get drunk, because you never know where you might end up the next day, or who you might become.

It’s funny that VON DOOM gets jealous over the face time Reed gets with Sue, but Reed only seems to have man-bro love for his buddy, Thing. It is a bit reminiscent of Captain America’s love for Bucky.

The final battle includes some pretty laughable special effects, especially when Reed does a double-punch across about 50 yards, à la Dhalsim. But even though they have some differences, the Fantastic Four are able to set those differences aside to save Earth and become a family.

It would be touching, but who wants to touch the Thing?


Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation

•August 5, 2015 • Comments Off on Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation

As I was leaving the theater, Dr. Fleshly asked me: “So what exactly was the Rogue Nation, anyway? Seemed like it was just a guy.” Yes, much like Batman and Ant-Man, Rogue Nation is really just a guy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

What is wrong, though, is the nearly laughable performance of Sean Harris as the villain, who was so great and scary in the Red Riding trilogy. Maybe he didn’t realize how ridiculous some of his lines were and forgot that the Mission: Impossible series has mutated from Brian De Palma’s dark and serious tone to the upbeat and corny Simon Pegg Laff-A-Lympics. Maybe it’s a contradiction that I disliked the downbeat seriousness of Avengers: Age of Ultron, but in turn disliked the upbeat corniness of Rogue Nation.

No matter how much work Tom Cruise gets done, he’s starting to look old. As long as he can still do the stunts it will be cool, but I hope they don’t nuke the fridge someday and have Ethan Hunt go tracking down a crystal skull that has some spy stuff in it. Actually, it wouldn’t matter. The plot is the least important part of the Mission: Impossible movies because everything the IMF has to do is “impossible.”

What he chases mostly in this movie is Ilsa Faust, who surely made some kind of deal with the devil. We almost get to see her boobies, but we do get to see her in skin-tight motorcycle leathers, so it balances out.

The action sequences are pretty thrilling and more interesting than those from Mad Max: Fury Road. Plus, we get motorcycles going down steps, something that should be worked into every movie. I mean it. And an exploding motorcycle. That is pretty wicked underground cool.

All of the summer blockbuster action movies have at least one thing in common: they are all about 20-30 minutes too long. Just after Rogue Nation’s formulaic false conclusion, I wished once again that I had been wearing diapers and had my massage therapist ready.

Alec Baldwin is perfect in his role as CIA director and dishes out his lines with a straight face. His soliloquy to the Prime Minister of Britain is one of the strangest and funniest moments of the whole summer.

The biggest weakness of Rogue Nation is that we must suspend our suspense of disbelief because few of the action sequences are suspenseful because there is never any real fear of any of the main heroes getting killed. And the torture expert, Dr. Bone, doesn’t even get to hack anyone’s bones off, possibly to keep the movie PG-13.

We learn friends are important, and really good friends are even more important.

Also, Jeremy Renner is in the movie. He might as well have been Hawkeye again.

Mad happy

•August 2, 2015 • Comments Off on Mad happy

Valerie Harper said she was never in a coma. Valerie, that’s Just Nice. But we worry about you, you know. [Stand up against comas.–Eds.]

Snoop Dogg had $422,000 in cash in his luggage as he boarded a plane in Italy. Snoop, that’s Just Nice. That kind of cash could buy you 844,000 cheap tacos. [Or 1,688,000 really cheap tacos.–Eds.]

And Tom Werner, producer of The Cosby Show, said he hopes people will still watch the show despite the Bill Cosby rape allegations. Tom, Go Take a Nap! There are a lot of new shows to watch! We don’t have time to watch old stuff again. [We don’t want to watch it because we didn’t like it.–Eds.]

Pixels (Movie Review)

•July 31, 2015 • Comments Off on Pixels (Movie Review)

I looked at the box office stats, and I saw Pixels debuted with $24.0Million but Ant-Man slightly edged that by about a $1Million. I threw my $5 at Pixels on student Thursday (you get a free 44oz. popcorn, too).

Proof I went to see Pixels.

Proof I went to see Pixels.

By the way, Ant-Man is just a guy.

Pixels was supposed to be the worst movie of the summer (that trailer for Bill Murray’s Rock the Kasbah looks colossally worse). It was supposed to be ridiculous, boyish, puerile, lame, stupid, hackish, dum-dum-dum-fooly-foolish.

Surprise! It’s all of that! And it’s awesome. How else can you make such an outlandish plot work unless you totally sell it. Kevin James becomes the President of the United States?! Doesn’t Mark Cuban have something to say about that?

Maybe it was the opening scenes that drew me in, giving me a strong sense of nostalgia for those ancient days when quarters seemed like gold doubloons because you could put them into a machine at an arcade and shoot down invaders from outer space. I immediately remembered the infamous Sluggo’s arcade where 14-year-old kids chain smoked, tugging on joysticks and slapping buttons while their mothers went shopping at the mall. I remembered that time when I was four and all the kids at the bowling alley were watching me set the record on Spy Hunter and I peed my pants because I didn’t want to stop chasing fame.

It was worth it, of course.

What is a pixel? It’s a cube of energy. And it’s a weapon. We don’t understand it, but we can harness its entirety and make nerds pew-pew it. “Let the nerds take over.”

Adam Sandler is just fine in the movie. I normally despise his hammy overacting, but he reels himself in when he could clearly be a joker daddy with some of the scenes. And Kevin James isn’t annoying, either!

The movie is actually filled with some pretty biting satire of modern politics, modern video games, social media, mass media, and conspiracy theorists. As a young man watches the alien invaders destroy the Taj Mahal, he quickly films it with his cell phone and just as quickly decides it would be better if he could be in it so he turns to get a selfie video. Who wouldn’t?

There’s plenty of good cameos, campy references to the pop culture of the 1980s, and a pretty sick burn of One Tree Hill. And we get a nice break from the action at a cocktail party that has a lot of funny moments.

I thought Peter Dinklage would be cringe-worthy as a mulleted dork, but he actually garners some sympathy by the end. Brian Cox and Sean Bean give nice over-the-top performances along the way, too.

I liked Pixels.

Pixie glass

•July 26, 2015 • Comments Off on Pixie glass

Michael Jackson wanted to play Jar-Jar Binks in the Star Wars movies in prosthetics and Thriller makeup, but George Lucas didn’t like the idea. George, Go Take a Nap! That would’ve been amazing to see a moonwalking Jar-Jar. [But the chair is not my son.–Eds.]

Sony Pictures Animation is planning to make an emoji movie. Sony Pictures Animation, that’s Quite Nice. We hope Michael Jackson gets to play one of the emojis, preferably 💯. [🎥.–Eds.]

And Tom Cruise said it would be fun to make a Top Gun sequel. Tom, that’s Just Nice. It’s always fun to make sequels. [We can’t wait for Pixels 2.–Eds.]


•July 21, 2015 • Comments Off on Ant-Man

I must admit that I never got into comic books, so when I heard Paul Rudd would be Marvel’s Ant-Man, I had to read the Ant-Man Wikipedia entry just to make sure it wasn’t some total prank. Stupid me, he first appeared in 1962, no doubt capitalizing on those halcyon days when the young males across America were obsessed with ants, quantum theory, and microphilia in general.

I’m not the only one with a bit of disbelief. While I was waiting in line to see Terminator Genisys, a stranger pointed over to the Ant-Man poster and said, “Ant-Man?! Man, they’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel for these Marvel movies.”

But let’s not make a mountain out of an ant hill. The Ant-Man movie is the light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek, self-aware, almost campy movie that I wanted Avengers: Age of Ultron to be. Paul Rudd is the best casting of a Marvel hero since Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. Michael Douglas brings some class to the whole affair, Evangeline Lilly isn’t given a ton to work with but succeeds at being told she’s crucial yet largely relegated to behind-the-scenes work, and Michael Peña provides some nice laughs as a goofy and cocksure sidekick.

Once again, the villain is actually science, or at least cutting-edge science. That’s because the technology that makes the Ant-Man possible, the Pym particle, could be used for a lot of good, but in the wrong hands, it will surely be used for a lot of bad. And you can tell immediately that Corey Stoll as Darren Cross is bad because he’s bald. He’s pretty monolithically bad, the only reason for which seems to be that Dr. Pym wouldn’t raise him as a surrogate father figure.

All of the summer blockbusters now require some throwaway side story about divorce and wanting to be better parents for their kids. I wish all those side stories would go subatomic and be lost forever, allowing for more time to “mount the thorax.”

Ant-Man can control ants, too! But he can’t until he learns how to clear his mind. So Hope van Dyne tells him to think of his daughter. Simple! Easy peasy, calabrese! He can’t fly, though, even though some ants can fly. This all becomes problematic when Yellowjacket shows up and can fly and shoot lasers. Lasers seem lame when Yellowjacket could’ve had cannons that transform living creatures into small piles of ectoplasmic goop.

As in Terminator Genisys, a total victory for the good guys includes blowing up a server farm. Good thing Darren Cross, just like Skynet, never heard of putting data way up high in The Cloud.

The final battle includes some imagery that almost made me wish I’d seen it in 3D, or at least after enjoying some medicinal tea. It hasn’t been this much fun to be small since Rick Moranis shrunk his kids.