Go Take a Nap! (the Blog)

Susan Sarandon donated $75,000 to New York City public schools to support the growing sport of table tennis. Susan, that’s Really Quite Nice. But do you have any idea what you’ve done? In just a couple of generations, New York City will have the best table tennis players in the world, and then we’ll have to enter them into the Intergalactic Greater Omniverse Table Tennis Championships, and you better have your checkbook ready again because rocket fuel ain’t cheap. [No, sir.--Eds.]

There are plans for a fourth Transformers movie, with Michael Bay to direct. Oh, Really? Maybe just quit while you’re ahead and have three totally awesome movies in the can? [They can always do better. Fourth time's the charm.--Eds.]

And Celine Dion said drugs and bad influences led to Whitney Houston’s death. Celine, Go Take a Nap! It’s lack of fresh oxygen to he brain what causes death. Everyone knows this. [It is known.--Eds.]

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Andrew Garfield said he’s very nervous about being the Spiderman in the movies. Andrew, Go Take a Nap! The Spiderman fears nothing! If the Spiderman is shaky, his webs misfire! [And his Spidey-sense, it mis-tingles.--Eds.]

Harrison Ford has not been in talks with Ridley Scott to reprise his role of Rick Deckard in the planned revisitation of Blade Runner. Harrison, that’s Just Nice. Maybe this way Ridley won’t put any fire ants or crystal skullz in the movie. [We've seen things . . . .--Eds.]

And Bill Murray said people should be personally responsible. Oh, Really? That’s easy to say when you’re golfing at Pebble Beach in a camouflage ghillie suit. [We are impersonally irresponsible.--Eds.]

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

Arnold Schwarzenegger visited the Taj Mahal, but it was closed because it was Friday, the day each week when a nearby mosque holds a prayer session. Arnold, Go Take a Nap! Can’t you afford some decent handlers who know when the Taj Mahal is open and when it’s closed? [We'd like to visit someday.--Eds.]

Stephen Colbert’s Super PAC, Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, has raised over $1Million. Stephen, that’s Just Nice. Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos that would buy? [Two million?--Eds.] {Four million.–Jack Jackson}

And Daniel Radcliffe, maybe inspired by Pat Sajak and Vanna White, admitted that he was drunk during the filming of some Harry Potter scenes, but he never drank on the set, instead he got drunk and then went to work. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea what happens when a drunken wizard casts spells? [Tacos?--Eds.]

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Pat Sajak said he and Vanna White used to get smashed on margamaritas and do Wheel of Fortune on a tooter, but that was back when you had to buy lame prizes like Sheldon the Dalmatian instead of just getting the cash. Pat and Vanna, that’s Just Nice. Doing a show drunk takes talent, real talent, you know, that “It-factor” we hear so much about these days. [We used to edit this column drunk on highballs.--Eds.]

Sheldon the Dalmatian.

Tim Gunn he hasn’t had sex in 29 years. Tim, Go Take a Nap! Get out there and let your freak flag fly! You’re on the tevee! You oughta be able to get all kinds of poo-say. [Um.--Eds.]

Demi Moore apparently has some drug issues, and was reportedly doing whip-its before collapsing. Demi, Go Take a Nap! Whip-its? You’re a rich celebrity! You could be doing all kinds of awesome designer drugs. Whip-its?! [Maybe she likes whip-its?--Eds.]

Armie Harmie got caught in Texas with three marihuana cookies and one marihuana brownie. Armie, Go Take a Nap! If you’d ever read this column, you’d know two things by now: don’t drive around with marihuana in Texas (they’ll get you like Chace Crawford); and eat the cookies and then go driving, so as to have no evidence with which to be caught. [We don't think that's sending the right message.--Eds.]

Seth Rogen successfully predicted that 50/50 would not get an Oscar nomination. Oh, Really? What’s next, are you gonna predict when you fart next? [Tee hee.--Eds.]

And Jay Cutler got Kristin Cavallari pregnant, with a wedding pending. Jay and Kristin, that’s Quite Nice. I’m sure your baby will grow up to be a beautiful athlete and unreality show star. [Is that a prediction?--Eds.]

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

Some of the L.A. pr0nn0 industry is threatening to leave the city, as local officials are threatening to require all actors to wear condoms, else film licenses won’t be granted. Some of L.A. pr0nn0 industry, Go Take a Nap! Everyone can wear a condom and be fine. Just fix it in post, you know, buff out the condoms with CGI or something. [They should just wear condoms that look like penises.--Eds.]

An Australian horsefly with a golden butt was named Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae, in honor of the Bootylicious Beyonce. Beyonce, that’s Quite Nice. Being associated with horseflies must be a great honor. [Indeed.--Eds.]

And Luther Campbell said 2 Live Crew is planning to reunite and tour this summer. Luther, that’s Just Nice. We’re all excited to see some old, sexist raps. [Um.--Eds.]

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

Snoop Dogg was arrested for marihuana possession in Sierra Blanca, Texas, when a border patrol drug dog sniffed it outside of Snoop’s tour bus, and then the patrol found several joints in a prescription bottle (Snoop has a prescription for marihuana in California). Snoop, Go Take a Nap! Your prescription is only good in California, not Texas! You’ve just gotta get way super-duper high in California and then get in the bus and ride. Just ride. [Should he wear a Notre Dame football helmet, too?--Eds.]

In unrelated news, Heather Donahue, a star of The Blair Witch Project, is also now a published author of a new book, Growgirl, a non-fiction story about how she spent a year growing medicinal marihuana in Northern California. Heather, that’s Just Nice. Now you need to film a documentary showing the life of your medical marihuana as it travels from place to place, ending up on Snoop Dogg’s tour bus, and ultimately as evidence in a small border town in Texas. [We wouldn't want to watch such a film.--Eds.]

And now for some Justin Bieber updates:

First, Bieber said he wants to grow up at his own pace, not too fast. Bieber, that’s Quite Nice. But remember, everything in moderation, including moderation. [We grew up at just the right pace and became editors of a crummy gossip blog.--Eds.]

Second, Bieber said he wants to be as famous as Michael Jackson, but wants to avoid singing about sex and drugs. Bieber, Go Take a Nap! The only way to become as famous as Michael Jackson is to sing about sex and drugs. Every Michael Jackson song is about sex and drugs, for example, note the lyrics to Ben. [We hope this blog never discusses drugs or sex.--Eds.]

Finally, Bieber said he doesn’t go to church, but instead focuses on personal prayer and talking directly to God. Bieber, that’s Really Quite Nice. If I were God, I’d look forward to chatting with you on a regular or even semi-regular basis. [We pray we can find a new job soon.--Eds.]

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

Elton John wants Justin Timberlake to play him in a biopic he’s working on. Elton, that’s Quite Nice. But I want Justin to play Jack Jackson in a biopic I’m working on, too, so I guess it’s time to fight. [We want him to play us as twins in the biopic, too.--Eds.]

Charlie Trotter will reportedly close his Chicago restaurant after 25 years so he can travel and pursue an education in philosophy and political theory. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! What good is philosophy and political theory going to do you when you don’t have a restaurant to run anymore? [Maybe he's planning a politico-philosophico restaurant featuring watermelon water?--Eds.]

Ricky Gervais said he should’ve focused more on one-line zingers when he hosted the Golden Globes last year, because the audience has a short attention span. Ricky, Go Take a Nap! We can pay attention to zingers that are at least two lines in length, maybe three or four! [We're sorry--what?--Eds.]

And Chaz Bono wants to get a metoidioplasty, a procedure which turns female parts down there, which have been enlarged by testosterone, into a small, fully functional, um . . . . [Penis.--Eds.] {Right.–Jack Jackson}

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

HF Crave is run by those of the Hollenbeck Farms, and I think what I had (two days in a row, even) was the best burger in Lincoln, maybe all of Nebraska.

A tasty burger.

I’d heard somewhat varied reviews, from “the best burger in town” to “overpriced and messy.” So I kept it somewhat simple, because I wanted to taste the burger and not a “stuffed signature burger.” I added grilled onions and mushrooms and pickles and mustard. The grass-fed beef was cooked to medium, leaving it so juicy that I had to get more napkins than originally thought sufficient. The grilled onions and mushrooms also added to the juiciness, and although I recommend adding them, there were way too many grilled onions on my burger, which was easy enough to fix. The beef was very tender and fresh, and the LeQuartier bun, grilled just a bit, was perfect. At a third of a pound, it’s a good size for lunch, even though I didn’t quite finish it all.

The waffle fries were also good, fried to a good crisp and served very hot. The chipotle mayonnaise and honey mustard are both good dipping sauces. Fellow restaurant reviewer, Richard Ripshaw, enjoyed his burger so much he insisted that we go back again the next day, and so we did.

Suggestion: keep your burger order simple.

Posted in On Food

People magazine said the cover image of Taylor Lautner coming out as gay was 100% fake. People, Go Take a Nap! Magazine covers aren’t fake on a scale of zero to 100 percent! They’re fake on a scale of one to ten! [That magazine was a ten on the fake scale.--Eds.]

Janet Hubert, who starred on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, said she would never do a reunion show because Will Smith is an asshole. Janet, Go Take a Nap! Will Smith saved the planet from an alien invasion! That alone proves he’s not an asshole. [Welcome to Urf!--Eds.]

And Sinead O’Connor said a trip with her new husband to buy marijuana in Las Vegas which ended up as a purchase of crack cocaine was one of the reasons her marriage only lasted 16 days, especially because her new husband is a drug-abuse counselor. Sinead, Go Take a Nap! Getting crack with your new husband who also happens to be a drug-abuse counselor is no reason for divorce. It’s just a nice honeymoon in Vegas. [Would they still be married if they had bought some marihuana?--Eds.]

Posted in Go Take a Nap!