Crappening 3

•September 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Denzel Washington said he enjoys being anonymous in public, especially in New York. Denzel, that’s Just Nice. But sometimes you just gotta be yourself. [We enjoy being anonymous at home.--Eds.]

Ridley Scott said his sequels to Prometheus will not feature the famous Alien xenomorphs. Ridley, Go Take a Nap! Xenomorphs rock, and people like to see them spray acid on stuff. [Maybe they can make a cameo with Jar-Jar.--Eds.]

And Justin Bieber said he busted his eardrum after an ill-fated cliff dive. Justin, Go Take a Nap! If you cliff dive and break your other eardrum, you won’t be able to hear yourself sing and then you won’t sing as well. [Ears are like the noses of smelling.--Eds.]

Entitulation

•September 21, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Robin Thicke said he was high most of 2013. Robin, Go Take a Nap! Drugs are a dead end. [He made a lot of money while high.--Eds.]

Leonardo DiCaprio was named as a UN Messenger of Peace. Leonardo, that’s Really Quite Nice. I hope that works out for you. [All we are saying, is give peace a chance.--Eds.]

And Dr. Lawrence Cohen, Joan Rivers’ personal doctor, took a selfie with Joan while she was unconscious for the operation that led to her death. Dr. Cohen, Go Take a Nap! That is so unprofessional. [But was it a good pic?--Eds.]

A Gamblor

•September 14, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Dolly Parton said she never became a mother because she would’ve likely given up her dream of singing. Dolly, Go Take a Nap! You can have a kid and sing! Look at Michael Jackson! [We gave up our dreams of singing to edit this lame column.--Eds]

Caroline Wozniacki said Rory McIlroy dumped her over the phone. Rory, Go Take a Nap! You don’t end an engagement by phone! That’s what instant messaging is for! [We like dumping on Snapchat.--Eds.]

And scientists named an extinct Egyptian long-legged pig after Mick Jagger, Jaggermeryx naida. Scientists, that’s Quite Nice. You are always free to name something after me as well, say, JackJacksonmeryx naida. [You probably need to become more famous for that.--Eds.]

Fuball go

•September 7, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Justin Bieber was charged with dangerous driving near his hometown in Canada after an ATV hit a minivan and occupants got into a yelling match, but the reports leave it unclear whether he was driving the ATV or was a passenger in the minivan. Reports, Go Take a Nap! How can gossip columnists adequately write one liners when you don’t tell us exactly what to make fun of? [We are putting the house on the Biebs being the driver of the minivan.--Eds.]

Bill Murray said he thinks a female Ghostbusters crew is a great idea. Bill, that’s Just Nice. I also like the idea of going back in time and preventing the production of Ghostbusters 2. [Oh, it wasn't that bad.--Eds.]

And Gene Simmons said Rock has been murdered by file sharing and shows like The Voice. Gene, Go Take a Nap! There’s tons of Rock to listen to now. They cover it on The Voice, and you can download it from torrent sites! [.sde--.daed si kcoR]

Labour Solid

•August 31, 2014 • Leave a Comment

[Note: Jack Jackson is away on vacation this week, celebrating solidarity with the workers of the world. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.-- Eds.]

So dad said minimum wage should stay low so we don’t have to give people food stamps because they’re lazy. He said we have to make people wanna work and work hard all the time, otherwise people shoot each other, but that’s what happened with that girl and the Uzi, so dad said he would take me to the shooting range and we could start with something smaller like a .22 rifle, but I just wanna play Diablo 3 all night cuz they updated it with a cool patch and you can start over in a season if you want to.

Joan Rivers almost died I guess. She looks like a plastic doll, so maybe she can’t die.

Mom said I couldn’t watch Orange is the New Black with her because it’s too adult. I told her I didn’t wanna watch it anyway, so it was like no big deal.

Those new Star Wars movies are probably gonna be really cool, but Uncle Jack said he won’t see them unless they kill Jar-Jar in like the first five minutes. I think Jar-Jar is OK, but he would be pretty annoying to have over.

Batman and Superman are gonna be in some new movie, but I really don’t see how Batman is gonna help. Superman can pretty much do whatever, and Batman has to have all that Batstuff to be a superhero, so maybe Batman just tells Superman what to do, like, go find the Joker.

Challenge challonge

•August 24, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Pierce Brosnan said he was in consideration to play Batman for Tim Burton’s movie, but he said he never took the idea seriously because Batman wears underwear on the outside of his pants. Pierce, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how awesome it looks and feels to wear underwear on the outside of your pants? [Not to mention it's a social statement.--Eds.]

The Dominican Republic banned an upcoming Miley Cyrus concert based on her stage act which go against morals and customs. Dominican Republic, Go Take a Nap! Sticking your tongue out and pretending to have sex is just a normal Friday night. [Sometimes also Saturday, if we're lucky.--Eds.]

And Justin Bieber drove his car up onto a sidewalk in Beverly Hills and almost hit an elderly woman with a walker. Justin, Go Take a Nap! You missed out on 10 points! [Bonus points for totaling the walker.--Eds.]

Git Ur Undon

•August 17, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Gene Simmons apologized for comments earlier in the week suggesting that depressed people should kill themselves. Gene, that’s Just Nice. Apology accepted. Now go kill yourself. [That's harsh.--Eds.]

The Teen Choice Awards are apparently rigged, with online votes being meaningless. Teen Choice Awards, Go Take a Nap! One Direction is the best band ever and I voted for them and so that’s gotta mean something or else the entire system of government will devolve into pure anarchy because the people have no faith in democracy if they believe their votes don’t count. [Nihilism is nigh.--Eds.]

And Daniel Radcliffe said he was not very good in the Harry Potter movies, that he made a lot of young acting mistakes. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! That you haven’t won a Lifetime Achievement Award for your work as Harry Potter is still beyond me. [He's got a whole lifetime ahead of him to earn that.--Eds.]

Anti-pant

•August 10, 2014 • Leave a Comment

[In lieu of celebrity gossip, this week Jack Jackson provides us with his review of the blockbuster smash, Gordians of the Galaxy.--Eds.]

So we went to the theater on a Tuesday because it’s $5 movies all day but the showing we wanted to see was sold out and we got all upsold on seeing it in 3D and having to shell out an extra $3 for those two-cent plastic craps. Moreover, we had to kill another hour until it started and so we had to go get a drink around the corner. Fine.

We sat down and endured what seemed like endless advertisements and trailers for really crappy movies about to arrive. Then the movie was about to start so I figured I better go pee so as to not have to pee during the movie. I peed and then found my seat, put on those cheap plastic craps, and like within the first five minutes I’m all bawling because Star Lard’s mom dies and then before he even has a chance to pick his nose, he’s all abducted by a blue-headed freak with a 1/4-inch Mohawk called Yanni.

Fast forward into the present day, but all over the galaxy and not on Earth, or Tara, as Yanni likes to keep calling it. Apparently, there are six affinity bones scattered around the universe, each of which has the power to destroy planets, and just imagine what Rodan or Thannis could do if they could somehow put all of them into a freaky cool glove. Maybe you could destroy a few planets at the same time, because I suppose even if you’re really as powerful as Rodan or Thannis, you still have to consider how long it will take to travel from planet to planet.

Star Lard just happens to have one of the aforementioned affinity bones, because he stole it. And he wants the bounty for it even though he’s supposed to split his take with Yanni. Boy, does Yanni get mad. Then we see Rodan get out of a well and put some clothes on and some makeup. Root and Starfox want to get a bounty on Star Lard, and then a blue chick gets in the way because she doesn’t want anyone to have the affinity bone because she knows just how powerful they are and thinks destroying planets is a particularly bad idea.

Predictably, everyone ends up in prison and we finally get to see Star Lard in his underwear and splooged on, and even the straight guys have to admit the dude looks good, and so there’s a bit of a distraction in the theater when everyone starts talking about protein shakes and workout routines, but eventually, Root and Starfox help everyone escape along with Brack, who apparently doesn’t know how to take a joke, and also almost gets killed by Rodan. And Star Lard almost dies trying to save the blue chick, but Rodan gets the affinity bone and then he tries to destroy a nice planet.

But instead of fighting, everyone decides to dance it out and they come up with a plan and they stand up together and everyone in the theater starts crying uncontrollably again, especially because there’s cool 80s tapes always playing in the background.

But of course, the Gordians succeed in their mission because they finally realize that you need to cooperate to stop Rodan, and then Star Lard gets a new tape for his birthday.

All in all, 3 out of 4 stars.

Later than late

•August 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Zac Efron said anxiety from paparazzi caused him to use drugs and alcohol. Zac, Go Take a Nap! You don’t need an excuse to do drugs or alcohol! [We sometimes get day drunk because the beer won't drink itself.--Eds.]

Freddie Prinze, Jr. said when he worked on 24, Kiefer Sutherland was the most unprofessional dude in the world. Freddie, that’s Just Nice. Also, the Scooby Doo movies sucked. [It starts with the script.--Eds.]

And Neverland Ranch has been restored to its original elegance and is for sale. Neverland Ranch, Go Take a Nap! It will never be the same unless you can bring Michael Jackson back. [He won't be back anytime soon.--Eds.]

Confliction

•July 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Charlie Hunnam disagrees that 50 Shades of Grey is mommy porn, and said instead it’s a really sophisticated dynamic. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! I may not know exactly how to define mommy porn, but I know it when I see it. [We prefer mummy porn.--Eds.]

Philip Seymour Hoffman did not leave any money to his children because he wanted them to be normal. Philip, Go Take a Nap! The most normal thing kids can do is inherit a bunch of cash so they can buy cool stuff and friends. [We didn't even have rich parents.--Eds.]

And Beverly Hills police told Justin Bieber’s neighbors that they can’t arrest anyone for misdemeanors if they don’t witness them, but the neighbors could perform a citizens’ arrest of Bieber. Beverly Hills police, that’s Just Nice! I’m sure that will all go extremely well. [And smoothly.--Eds.]