Really now, Terminator Genisys is not all that bad of a movie, definitely better than the third and fourth Terminator movies. The general malaise from other critics focuses on how the movie isn’t great, the acting is generally subpar, and the, as Britney Spears might call it, time-travel-speed Byzantine plot. If I were to give out ratings, I would throw out at least 2.2 out of 4.0 stars, and I would say it’s worth torrenting some night at home with some KFC chizza.
Most importantly, we learn that Emilia Clarke (pretty, for a girl) looks better in her natural hair color, Arnold Schwarzenegger can still deliver deadpan one liners and command uncomfortable laughter, and Jai Courtney is like a younger, poorer man’s Vin Diesel. We also learn that it’s possible to time-travel-speed in two directions, that robots can feel robot love, that humans can feel robot love, and that you sometimes have choices to make, while at other times your life is just a straight line from which you cannot deviate.
The evil villain, science, rears its ugly head in the form of the world’s first “killer app,” which over 1 billion people have pre-ordered on their various electronic devices. The app is called Genisys (probably after Peter Gabriel left), and it promises to finally, once and for all, do what the NSA has already done, which is to harvest every single bit of information onto a server that can later be used to send you coupons for Kohl’s.
Er, no, actually, Genisys has only one goal: after it finally uploads itself to the world like Lawnmower Man, it will fire off all of the world’s nuclear weapons, which somehow, inexplicably, are connected to Friendster via Ethernet cables. Even more inexplicably, all of the world’s nuclear missiles will only be able to kill 3 billion of the 7 billion people on the planet. I’m going to guess that the 4 billion survivors were all safely hidden away in their panic rooms or on their way back from truffle hunting on Mars.
How can the population of the Earth be so stupid as to willingly pay for such a horrible app that surely will not offer any in-game purchases? And what exactly is a Kardashian? Don’t worry, because there are at least two people who know what’s up and they are going to stop it all by blowing the servers up real good. Thank the heavens that Skynet was never smart enough to store Genisys in THE CLOUD, or at least have some backup tapes stored in a fire safe under the porch.
Thankfully, our heroes are straight (hetero), because they have to bone in order to make the real hero, John Connor. But Arnold might have to be there to watch. Awkward! Even if they were both gay, they likely could do some kind of mutual masturbation session and swap fluids.
As with most of the other summer blockbusters, there is no real fear that any of the main characters will die, because if they die, then the world would end and presumably the movie as well. And the new terminator model seems so indestructible that even though no conventional weapons can hurt it, the heroes keep firing conventional weapons at it for fun until Arnold figures on using magnets. Magnets! How do they work?!