Git Ur Undon

•August 17, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Gene Simmons apologized for comments earlier in the week suggesting that depressed people should kill themselves. Gene, that’s Just Nice. Apology accepted. Now go kill yourself. [That's harsh.--Eds.]

The Teen Choice Awards are apparently rigged, with online votes being meaningless. Teen Choice Awards, Go Take a Nap! One Direction is the best band ever and I voted for them and so that’s gotta mean something or else the entire system of government will devolve into pure anarchy because the people have no faith in democracy if they believe their votes don’t count. [Nihilism is nigh.--Eds.]

And Daniel Radcliffe said he was not very good in the Harry Potter movies, that he made a lot of young acting mistakes. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! That you haven’t won a Lifetime Achievement Award for your work as Harry Potter is still beyond me. [He's got a whole lifetime ahead of him to earn that.--Eds.]

Anti-pant

•August 10, 2014 • Leave a Comment

[In lieu of celebrity gossip, this week Jack Jackson provides us with his review of the blockbuster smash, Gordians of the Galaxy.--Eds.]

So we went to the theater on a Tuesday because it’s $5 movies all day but the showing we wanted to see was sold out and we got all upsold on seeing it in 3D and having to shell out an extra $3 for those two-cent plastic craps. Moreover, we had to kill another hour until it started and so we had to go get a drink around the corner. Fine.

We sat down and endured what seemed like endless advertisements and trailers for really crappy movies about to arrive. Then the movie was about to start so I figured I better go pee so as to not have to pee during the movie. I peed and then found my seat, put on those cheap plastic craps, and like within the first five minutes I’m all bawling because Star Lard’s mom dies and then before he even has a chance to pick his nose, he’s all abducted by a blue-headed freak with a 1/4-inch Mohawk called Yanni.

Fast forward into the present day, but all over the galaxy and not on Earth, or Tara, as Yanni likes to keep calling it. Apparently, there are six affinity bones scattered around the universe, each of which has the power to destroy planets, and just imagine what Rodan or Thannis could do if they could somehow put all of them into a freaky cool glove. Maybe you could destroy a few planets at the same time, because I suppose even if you’re really as powerful as Rodan or Thannis, you still have to consider how long it will take to travel from planet to planet.

Star Lard just happens to have one of the aforementioned affinity bones, because he stole it. And he wants the bounty for it even though he’s supposed to split his take with Yanni. Boy, does Yanni get mad. Then we see Rodan get out of a well and put some clothes on and some makeup. Root and Starfox want to get a bounty on Star Lard, and then a blue chick gets in the way because she doesn’t want anyone to have the affinity bone because she knows just how powerful they are and thinks destroying planets is a particularly bad idea.

Predictably, everyone ends up in prison and we finally get to see Star Lard in his underwear and splooged on, and even the straight guys have to admit the dude looks good, and so there’s a bit of a distraction in the theater when everyone starts talking about protein shakes and workout routines, but eventually, Root and Starfox help everyone escape along with Brack, who apparently doesn’t know how to take a joke, and also almost gets killed by Rodan. And Star Lard almost dies trying to save the blue chick, but Rodan gets the affinity bone and then he tries to destroy a nice planet.

But instead of fighting, everyone decides to dance it out and they come up with a plan and they stand up together and everyone in the theater starts crying uncontrollably again, especially because there’s cool 80s tapes always playing in the background.

But of course, the Gordians succeed in their mission because they finally realize that you need to cooperate to stop Rodan, and then Star Lard gets a new tape for his birthday.

All in all, 3 out of 4 stars.

Later than late

•August 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Zac Efron said anxiety from paparazzi caused him to use drugs and alcohol. Zac, Go Take a Nap! You don’t need an excuse to do drugs or alcohol! [We sometimes get day drunk because the beer won't drink itself.--Eds.]

Freddie Prinze, Jr. said when he worked on 24, Kiefer Sutherland was the most unprofessional dude in the world. Freddie, that’s Just Nice. Also, the Scooby Doo movies sucked. [It starts with the script.--Eds.]

And Neverland Ranch has been restored to its original elegance and is for sale. Neverland Ranch, Go Take a Nap! It will never be the same unless you can bring Michael Jackson back. [He won't be back anytime soon.--Eds.]

Confliction

•July 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Charlie Hunnam disagrees that 50 Shades of Grey is mommy porn, and said instead it’s a really sophisticated dynamic. Charlie, Go Take a Nap! I may not know exactly how to define mommy porn, but I know it when I see it. [We prefer mummy porn.--Eds.]

Philip Seymour Hoffman did not leave any money to his children because he wanted them to be normal. Philip, Go Take a Nap! The most normal thing kids can do is inherit a bunch of cash so they can buy cool stuff and friends. [We didn't even have rich parents.--Eds.]

And Beverly Hills police told Justin Bieber’s neighbors that they can’t arrest anyone for misdemeanors if they don’t witness them, but the neighbors could perform a citizens’ arrest of Bieber. Beverly Hills police, that’s Just Nice! I’m sure that will all go extremely well. [And smoothly.--Eds.]

No nope no

•July 20, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Emma Stone said it’s magical that her dead grandfather leaves her quarters. Emma, Go Take a Nap! That’s not magical! That’s supernatural! [Our dead gramma leaves us strange odors.--Eds.]

Marvel said Thor is now a woman. Marvel, Go Take a Nap! You can’t keep calling her Thor, then. You gotta call her Thoress. [Thorina?--Eds.]

Archie will die in a comic book taking a bullet for his gay friend. Archie, that’s Really Quite Nice. But now you’re dead. [But the gay friend lives on.--Eds.] {You can’t get pregnant in the mouth.–Jack Jackson}

And Leah Remini said the best thing about leaving the Church of Scientology is that she can drink again. Leah, Go Take a Nap! That’s not the best thing at all! It’s that you can praise and hail the one true God, Glogorax! [We would miss the parties.--Eds.]

Wheeling Fortune

•July 13, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Sherri Shepherd said she is leaving The View after seven years and seven is God’s number of completion in the Bible. Sherri, that’s Just Nice. But if seven is the number of completion, maybe you should’ve been done after seven episodes? [Or seven minutes?--Eds.]

Taylor Swift said music is an art, and people should pay for art. Taylor, Go Take a Nap! Music is in the air! You can’t buy and sell air! [Probably in the future, though.--Eds.]

Daniel Radcliffe said it was unlikely that he would play Harry Potter again, after J.K. Rowling revealed a new Harry Potter short story. Daniel, Go Take a Nap! If you don’t play Harry Potter, they’ll get Johnny Depp to do it and he’ll try to all pirate it up in there. [Maybe Hal Linden is free?--Eds.]

And the Insane Clown Posse lost their lawsuit challenging the FBI’s labeling of them as a loosely organized hybrid gang. Insane Clown Posse, Go Take a Nap! You need to get more organized if you’re ever going to lose that loosely organized label! [We often feel this column is loosely organized.--Eds.]

Fourth off

•July 6, 2014 • Leave a Comment

[Note: Jack Jackson is away on vacation this week. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.-- Eds.]

Uncle Jack is on vacation this week, but dad says he’s probably just passed out in a ditch.

That new Transformers movie looks cool but everyone says it’s bad. I wanna see the Dinobots, but mom says they’re not real because dinosaurs aren’t real. They look pretty real in the commercials.

I saw that guy eat all those hot dogs and my dad said he was glad an American who won again. He said that Japanese guy was a cheater. I don’t even like hot dogs that much.

Dad said we’re going to be bombing Iraq again because we didn’t bomb them enough the first time. He doesn’t know how many bombs are enough.

And mom was happy about Hobby Lobby. She said they have good deals on frames this week.

Curdled whup

•June 29, 2014 • Leave a Comment

An unidentified bidder paid just over $2Million for a handwritten copy of Bob Dylan’s lyrics for Like a Rolling Stone. Unidentified bidder, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos you can buy with $2Million? That’s like, 4 million cheap tacos. [Or 8 million really cheap tacos.--Eds.]

Sting said he will not give any of his $300Million estate to his children because he and his wife plan to spend it all. Sting, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos your kids could buy with $300Million? That’s like, 600 million cheap tacos. [Or 1.2 billion really cheap tacos.--Eds.]

Willie Nelson said everyone should go vote, but not to get high before they vote so they remember to vote. Willie, that’s Really Quite Nice. But voting sober is kind of boring. [And leads to fascism.--Eds.]

And Kim Jong-Un does not think the upcoming movie, The Interview, is very funny because it’s about an assassination attempt on his life. Kim, Go Take a Nap! You don’t know whether something is funny until you see it, and the movie doesn’t come out until October! [Maybe he saw a rough cut?--Eds.]

Previously unenjoyed

•June 22, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Alex Trebek is now the Guinness World Record holder for most game show episodes hosted by the same presenter with 6,829 episodes of Jeopardy! Alex, that’s Really Quite Nice. But the only reason you have that record is because no one else has hosted the show. It’s time to give Jack Jackson a chance. [We put it on in the background while we make dinner.--Eds.]

Jay Leno will receive the 17th annual Mark Twain prize for American Humor. Jay, that’s Just Nice. Your winning gives unfunny comedians everywhere hope. [Zing!--Eds.]

And Willow and Jaden Smith admit that they like to sleep with snakes in their bedrooms. Willow and Jaden, Go Take a Nap! Sleeping with snakes is, like, so passé. [We sleep with pillows and sheets.--Eds.]

Flex ball innovation

•June 15, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Dave Chapelle said he never quit is popular show. Instead, he said he’s just seven years late for work. Dave, Go Take a Nap! If you don’t show up for three days, you are deemed to have automatically quit according to the employee handbook! [We never read that thing.--Eds.]

George R.R. Martin does not like the way the Iron Throne looks in HBO’s Game of Thrones. George, Go Take a Nap! If you don’t like it, make one you do like and send it to them. [He's too busy writing to make iron thrones.--Eds.]

Nicolas Cage wore a T-shirt with a Nicolas Cage meme to a Guns N’ Roses concert. Nic, Go Take a Nap! You gotta wear your GNR tour tee when you see GNR. [Maybe it was dirty?--Eds.]

And Chelsea Handler is leaving her show because she can’t stand to talk about celebrities like Justin Bieber and the Kardashians. Chelsea, Go Take a Nap! Celebrities like Bieber and the Kardashians make a lot of interesting stories for us to discuss. [We are more worried about the fall of Mosul, honestly.--Eds.]