Far shave

•November 23, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Nick Jonas has stopped wearing his purity ring and has had sex. Nick, that’s Just Nice. But you can still wear the purity ring and reclaim your second virginity! [We’re on our fourth rings.–Eds.]

Francis Lawrence said he did not want to use CGI to make more scenes of Philip Seymour Hoffman out of respect to his life work. Francis, that’s Quite Nice. But don’t you remember how awesome the Tupac hologram was? There could’ve been a battle rap, dance off, and slamfest with PSH with just a little imagination and computer work. [That might have been too much.–Eds.]

Tim Tebow said that making a difference with people is sexy. Tim, Go Take a Nap! Making a difference doesn’t get you to the Bone Zone! [Sometimes really big differences get you there.–Eds.]

U2 had to cancel its Tonight Show week-long gig after Bono hurt his arm cycling. U2, Go Take a Nap! Bono can sing with one arm! [Can he?–Eds.]

And the city council of Tuszyn, Poland, do not want Winnie the Pooh to be a mascot for a local playground because Pooh’s lack of pants and naughty bits made them doubt Pooh’s sexual identity. City council of Tuszyn, Poland, Go Take a Nap! Pooh is totally a dude and loves hanging out with other dudes. It’s simple. [He has sex parts, but they just don’t draw them on.–Eds.]

Touched Down

•November 16, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Quentin Tarantino said he liked the idea of retiring from directing after he makes his 10th movie. Quentin, that’s Just Nice. But go ahead and make 11. Django Unchained doesn’t count against your total. [It wasn’t that bad.–Eds.]

Jennifer Lawrence said she will never be part of social media. Jennifer, Go Take a Nap! The best way to tell everyone you will never be part of social media is to get a Twitter account and tell all your fans that way. [We have two followers.–Eds.]

And Liam Hemsworth said Jennifer Lawrence would eat garlic or tuna before their kissing scenes in the new Hunger Games movie. Jennifer, that’s Really Quite Nice. Next time throw in some boiled cabbage and a chunk of Velveeta. [We put soy sauce in our tuna salad.–Eds.]

Too Albums

•November 9, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Keira Knightley said she does not mind posing topless, just as long as you don’t make her boobs bigger or retouch them. Keira, that’s Quite Nice. But it’s going to be hard for me to retouch your boobs when I’ve never even touched them. [True.–Eds.]

The Farrelly brothers admitted that Brett Favre was their third choice for There’s Something About Mary, with Drew Bledsoe first and Steve Young second. Farrelly brothers, Go Take a Nap! How could you have made the Favre jokes with Bledsoe or Young? [They might have come up with some other joke.–Eds.]

And Jared Padalecki sent a Tweet hoping for Justin Bieber to remove his music from Spotify after Taylor Swift announced she removed her music from Spotify. Jared, Go Take a Nap! You don’t have to listen to Bieber! Just choose a different station. [Like the Taylor Swift station.–Eds.]

Future City

•November 2, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Prince played an eight-minute medley on Saturday Night Live, breaking from the traditional two one-song sets. Prince, Go Take a Nap! Eight minutes is way too long for a medley. Medleys should be about five or six minutes. [We wanted a nine-minute medley.–Eds.]

Jennifer Lopez said Ben Affleck was her first real heartbreak. Jennifer, that’s Just Nice. Maybe you can write a song about it. [Call it “Ben Broke My Heart First.”–Eds.]

And Katy Perry went as a sad Flamin’ Hot Cheeto for Halloween. Katy, that’s Really Quite Nice. But a happy Chili Cheese Frito would’ve been way better. [BBQ Pork Rind?–Eds]

Shapoopy

•October 26, 2014 • Leave a Comment

John Denver finally got a Hollywood Walk of Fame star, the 2,531st star. Hollywood Walk of Fame, Go Take a Nap! John Denver deserved a star when he was alive! [They should’ve put it right next to Kermit and George.–Eds.]

Dean McDermott said he used to masturbate thinking of Tori Spelling before they dated. Dean, that’s Just Nice. Always give the car a test drive before you buy it. [It’s a little different from a car.–Eds.]

Jay Leno plans to put his Mark Twain award for humor on his 1955 Buick. Leno, Go Take a Nap! Your 1955 Buick couldn’t hold Twain’s jockstrap. [Prove it.–Eds.]

And Aaron Paul suggested that Barbie figures are more damaging than Breaking Bad figures after Toys R Us pulled the Breaking Bad figures but not Barbie figures. Aaron, Go Take a Nap! All figures are damaging as mere abstractions of reality. [Whoa, hadn’t thought of it like that.–Eds.]

Uppity Uppish

•October 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Chris Brown tweeted that he thought the Ebola epidemic is a form of population control, then quickly recanted. Chris, Go Take a Nap! Of course the Ebola epidemic is a form of population control! It kills people! [It doesn’t kill everyone.–Eds.]

Brad Pitt said he got his grandfather’s shotgun when he was in kindergarten. Brad, that’s Just Nice. We hope you used it to kill snakes. [And varmints.–Eds.]

Bono apologized for the automatic iTunes downloads of the new U2 album. Bono, that’s Really Quite Nice. Just don’t ever let it happen again. [Everyone gets to disappoint us once.–Eds.]

Amy Poehler admitted she’s done cocaine, and that she loved it but grew to hate it, because it’s great to stay up all night and play ping pong with strangers, but the next day is rough. Amy, Go Take a Nap! The next day is only rough when you stop doing cocaine! [Everything has an end.–Eds.] {And a beginning.–Jack Jackson}

And Shailene Woodley said she’s a professional at losing her virginity because she’s done it onscreen four times. Shailene, Go Take a Nap! Losing your virginity isn’t a competition! [Unless it’s a competition.–Eds.]

Dranky poo

•October 12, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Director Paul Feig said he’s working on a new Ghostbusters movie and it will star hilarious women. Paul, that’s Really Quite Nice. The best comedies star the most hilarious people. [We just want everyone to be sexy.–Eds.]

Robert Downey, Jr. said he would ask Matthew Broderick for permission before he talked to Sarah Jessica Parker. Robert, that’s Quite Nice. In today’s world, people are used to doing whatever they want, whenever they want. You are a breath of fresh air. [We want Iron Man 4.–Eds.]

Zach Galifianakis said that being a celebrity is dumb and he’s not interested in it, and that he just likes being an actor. Zach, Go Take a Nap! If that’s true, just stop acting in movies and start acting in your bathroom. It’s actually really fun. [We pretend to be pirates.–Eds.]

And the writers of Archer said the spy organization will no longer be known as ISIS because of the rise of ISIS in the Middle East. Writers of Archer, Go Take a Nap! Isis is the name of an Egyptian goddess! Do you think she would ever change her name? [Probably not, but she might think about it after all those videos.–Eds.]

Thuh Orioles

•October 5, 2014 • Leave a Comment

William Shatner admitted he was contacted about being in the third J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie, even though Shatner said couldn’t figure out how it would work in the movie because it would be a 50-year time jump. Shatner, Go Take a Nap! You just jump into a wormhole, and boom, it’s 50 years ago. [Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young.–Eds.]

Threshold Entertainment is working on a Tetris movie. Threshold Entertainment, that’s Just Nice. Will people have the ability to choose a more difficult version to watch when they buy their tickets? [Or will they get more points the longer they watch it?–Eds.]

The sexual assault support group, RAINN, criticized Maroon 5’s new video for Animals because it is a dangerous depiction of a stalker’s criminal fantasy. Maroon 5, Go Take a Nap! You’re better than that. Whatever happened to nice videos? [Billy Joel always made nice videos.–Eds.]

Taylor Swift criticized the celebrity culture that encourages stars to surround themselves with a bunch of people that just validate their lives. Taylor, Go Take a Nap! If I want to surround myself with people who do nothing but validate my life, that’s my choice, and I don’t care what you say. [Freedom ain’t free.–Eds.]

And Robert Downey, Jr. said he would do another Iron Man movie if Mel Gibson directed it. Robert, Go Take a Nap! You should do another Iron Man movie no matter who directs it! Those movies are super cool and you make a lot of money. [We want Werner Herzog to direct a few.–Eds.]

Crappening 3

•September 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Denzel Washington said he enjoys being anonymous in public, especially in New York. Denzel, that’s Just Nice. But sometimes you just gotta be yourself. [We enjoy being anonymous at home.–Eds.]

Ridley Scott said his sequels to Prometheus will not feature the famous Alien xenomorphs. Ridley, Go Take a Nap! Xenomorphs rock, and people like to see them spray acid on stuff. [Maybe they can make a cameo with Jar-Jar.–Eds.]

And Justin Bieber said he busted his eardrum after an ill-fated cliff dive. Justin, Go Take a Nap! If you cliff dive and break your other eardrum, you won’t be able to hear yourself sing and then you won’t sing as well. [Ears are like the noses of smelling.–Eds.]

Entitulation

•September 21, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Robin Thicke said he was high most of 2013. Robin, Go Take a Nap! Drugs are a dead end. [He made a lot of money while high.–Eds.]

Leonardo DiCaprio was named as a UN Messenger of Peace. Leonardo, that’s Really Quite Nice. I hope that works out for you. [All we are saying, is give peace a chance.–Eds.]

And Dr. Lawrence Cohen, Joan Rivers’ personal doctor, took a selfie with Joan while she was unconscious for the operation that led to her death. Dr. Cohen, Go Take a Nap! That is so unprofessional. [But was it a good pic?–Eds.]