[In lieu of celebrity gossip, this week Jack Jackson provides us with his review of the blockbuster smash, Gordians of the Galaxy.--Eds.]
So we went to the theater on a Tuesday because it’s $5 movies all day but the showing we wanted to see was sold out and we got all upsold on seeing it in 3D and having to shell out an extra $3 for those two-cent plastic craps. Moreover, we had to kill another hour until it started and so we had to go get a drink around the corner. Fine.
We sat down and endured what seemed like endless advertisements and trailers for really crappy movies about to arrive. Then the movie was about to start so I figured I better go pee so as to not have to pee during the movie. I peed and then found my seat, put on those cheap plastic craps, and like within the first five minutes I’m all bawling because Star Lard’s mom dies and then before he even has a chance to pick his nose, he’s all abducted by a blue-headed freak with a 1/4-inch Mohawk called Yanni.
Fast forward into the present day, but all over the galaxy and not on Earth, or Tara, as Yanni likes to keep calling it. Apparently, there are six affinity bones scattered around the universe, each of which has the power to destroy planets, and just imagine what Rodan or Thannis could do if they could somehow put all of them into a freaky cool glove. Maybe you could destroy a few planets at the same time, because I suppose even if you’re really as powerful as Rodan or Thannis, you still have to consider how long it will take to travel from planet to planet.
Star Lard just happens to have one of the aforementioned affinity bones, because he stole it. And he wants the bounty for it even though he’s supposed to split his take with Yanni. Boy, does Yanni get mad. Then we see Rodan get out of a well and put some clothes on and some makeup. Root and Starfox want to get a bounty on Star Lard, and then a blue chick gets in the way because she doesn’t want anyone to have the affinity bone because she knows just how powerful they are and thinks destroying planets is a particularly bad idea.
Predictably, everyone ends up in prison and we finally get to see Star Lard in his underwear and splooged on, and even the straight guys have to admit the dude looks good, and so there’s a bit of a distraction in the theater when everyone starts talking about protein shakes and workout routines, but eventually, Root and Starfox help everyone escape along with Brack, who apparently doesn’t know how to take a joke, and also almost gets killed by Rodan. And Star Lard almost dies trying to save the blue chick, but Rodan gets the affinity bone and then he tries to destroy a nice planet.
But instead of fighting, everyone decides to dance it out and they come up with a plan and they stand up together and everyone in the theater starts crying uncontrollably again, especially because there’s cool 80s tapes always playing in the background.
But of course, the Gordians succeed in their mission because they finally realize that you need to cooperate to stop Rodan, and then Star Lard gets a new tape for his birthday.
All in all, 3 out of 4 stars.