Whiksey

•December 14, 2014 • Comments Off

Angelina Jolie said she has chicken pox and would not be able to attend the premiere of her new movie, Unbroken. Angelina, Go Take a Nap! Chicken pox is just an itchy disease. Get to the premiere and pay someone to scratch your itches! [She could afford two or three people to scratch her itches.–Eds.]

Joaquin Phoenix said he lied about being engaged to his yoga instructor to spice up his boring life. Joaquin, Go Take a Nap! Getting engaged isn’t spicy at all! If you want to spice up your life, snap into a Slim Jim! [Or have the Kool-Aid Man over for dinner?–Eds.]

Paul Rosolie failed to capture and be eaten by an anaconda on the Discovery Channel. Paul, Go Take a Nap! If you tell people you’re going to capture and be eaten by an anaconda, you better capture and be eaten by an anaconda. [Maybe he could write a blues song about it.–Eds.]

And Michael Keaton said that he was Batman. Michael, that’s Quite Nice. But we all know Adam West is the only one true Batman. [We’re not Batman.–Eds.]

Get got

•December 7, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Paul McCartney said he is upset that he spends a ton of time on making music but kids listen to it on crappy headphones. Paul, Go Take a Nap! We aren’t all billionaires like you who can afford billion-dollar headphones! [We like listening to Wings in our car.–Eds.]

Roger Moore is excited by the idea that Blofeld might be making a comeback in the new James Bond Spectre movie, but director Sam Mendes says not to assume Blofeld will be in the movie. Roger and Sam, Go Take Two Naps! Is Blofeld in the movie or not? [Probably.–Eds.]

Stephen Hawking claimed he would make an ideal James Bond villain because of his wheelchair and computerized voice. Stephen, that’s Just Nice. But your wheelchair could never escape a black hole. [That’s not the point.–Eds.]

And Elton John said he’s been friends with Rush Limbaugh for several years, talking to him about queer issues. Elton, that’s Really Quite Nice. Everyone needs friends, including Rush. [There are a lot of queer issues.–Eds.]

Sweety

•November 30, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Shia LaBeouf said a woman whipped his legs for 10 minutes and raped him during his #IAMSORRY performance art. Shia, Go Take a Nap! After the first five minutes of leg whipping, you should’ve known something was awry. [Or amiss.–Eds.]

Lars von Trier worries that he will not be able to make films now that he no longer drinks or uses drugs. Lars, Go Take a Nap! You don’t need to sober up to stop making movies! Just stop making movies! [We hope he quits making movies.–Eds.]

And Freddie Prinze Jr. is recovering from spinal surgery and learning to walk again. Freddie, that’s Really Quite Nice. Get healthy so we can get another Scooby Doo movie! [Where’s Scooby-Dum?–Eds.]

Far shave

•November 23, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Nick Jonas has stopped wearing his purity ring and has had sex. Nick, that’s Just Nice. But you can still wear the purity ring and reclaim your second virginity! [We’re on our fourth rings.–Eds.]

Francis Lawrence said he did not want to use CGI to make more scenes of Philip Seymour Hoffman out of respect to his life work. Francis, that’s Quite Nice. But don’t you remember how awesome the Tupac hologram was? There could’ve been a battle rap, dance off, and slamfest with PSH with just a little imagination and computer work. [That might have been too much.–Eds.]

Tim Tebow said that making a difference with people is sexy. Tim, Go Take a Nap! Making a difference doesn’t get you to the Bone Zone! [Sometimes really big differences get you there.–Eds.]

U2 had to cancel its Tonight Show week-long gig after Bono hurt his arm cycling. U2, Go Take a Nap! Bono can sing with one arm! [Can he?–Eds.]

And the city council of Tuszyn, Poland, do not want Winnie the Pooh to be a mascot for a local playground because Pooh’s lack of pants and naughty bits made them doubt Pooh’s sexual identity. City council of Tuszyn, Poland, Go Take a Nap! Pooh is totally a dude and loves hanging out with other dudes. It’s simple. [He has sex parts, but they just don’t draw them on.–Eds.]

Touched Down

•November 16, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Quentin Tarantino said he liked the idea of retiring from directing after he makes his 10th movie. Quentin, that’s Just Nice. But go ahead and make 11. Django Unchained doesn’t count against your total. [It wasn’t that bad.–Eds.]

Jennifer Lawrence said she will never be part of social media. Jennifer, Go Take a Nap! The best way to tell everyone you will never be part of social media is to get a Twitter account and tell all your fans that way. [We have two followers.–Eds.]

And Liam Hemsworth said Jennifer Lawrence would eat garlic or tuna before their kissing scenes in the new Hunger Games movie. Jennifer, that’s Really Quite Nice. Next time throw in some boiled cabbage and a chunk of Velveeta. [We put soy sauce in our tuna salad.–Eds.]

Too Albums

•November 9, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Keira Knightley said she does not mind posing topless, just as long as you don’t make her boobs bigger or retouch them. Keira, that’s Quite Nice. But it’s going to be hard for me to retouch your boobs when I’ve never even touched them. [True.–Eds.]

The Farrelly brothers admitted that Brett Favre was their third choice for There’s Something About Mary, with Drew Bledsoe first and Steve Young second. Farrelly brothers, Go Take a Nap! How could you have made the Favre jokes with Bledsoe or Young? [They might have come up with some other joke.–Eds.]

And Jared Padalecki sent a Tweet hoping for Justin Bieber to remove his music from Spotify after Taylor Swift announced she removed her music from Spotify. Jared, Go Take a Nap! You don’t have to listen to Bieber! Just choose a different station. [Like the Taylor Swift station.–Eds.]

Future City

•November 2, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Prince played an eight-minute medley on Saturday Night Live, breaking from the traditional two one-song sets. Prince, Go Take a Nap! Eight minutes is way too long for a medley. Medleys should be about five or six minutes. [We wanted a nine-minute medley.–Eds.]

Jennifer Lopez said Ben Affleck was her first real heartbreak. Jennifer, that’s Just Nice. Maybe you can write a song about it. [Call it “Ben Broke My Heart First.”–Eds.]

And Katy Perry went as a sad Flamin’ Hot Cheeto for Halloween. Katy, that’s Really Quite Nice. But a happy Chili Cheese Frito would’ve been way better. [BBQ Pork Rind?–Eds]

Shapoopy

•October 26, 2014 • Leave a Comment

John Denver finally got a Hollywood Walk of Fame star, the 2,531st star. Hollywood Walk of Fame, Go Take a Nap! John Denver deserved a star when he was alive! [They should’ve put it right next to Kermit and George.–Eds.]

Dean McDermott said he used to masturbate thinking of Tori Spelling before they dated. Dean, that’s Just Nice. Always give the car a test drive before you buy it. [It’s a little different from a car.–Eds.]

Jay Leno plans to put his Mark Twain award for humor on his 1955 Buick. Leno, Go Take a Nap! Your 1955 Buick couldn’t hold Twain’s jockstrap. [Prove it.–Eds.]

And Aaron Paul suggested that Barbie figures are more damaging than Breaking Bad figures after Toys R Us pulled the Breaking Bad figures but not Barbie figures. Aaron, Go Take a Nap! All figures are damaging as mere abstractions of reality. [Whoa, hadn’t thought of it like that.–Eds.]

Uppity Uppish

•October 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Chris Brown tweeted that he thought the Ebola epidemic is a form of population control, then quickly recanted. Chris, Go Take a Nap! Of course the Ebola epidemic is a form of population control! It kills people! [It doesn’t kill everyone.–Eds.]

Brad Pitt said he got his grandfather’s shotgun when he was in kindergarten. Brad, that’s Just Nice. We hope you used it to kill snakes. [And varmints.–Eds.]

Bono apologized for the automatic iTunes downloads of the new U2 album. Bono, that’s Really Quite Nice. Just don’t ever let it happen again. [Everyone gets to disappoint us once.–Eds.]

Amy Poehler admitted she’s done cocaine, and that she loved it but grew to hate it, because it’s great to stay up all night and play ping pong with strangers, but the next day is rough. Amy, Go Take a Nap! The next day is only rough when you stop doing cocaine! [Everything has an end.–Eds.] {And a beginning.–Jack Jackson}

And Shailene Woodley said she’s a professional at losing her virginity because she’s done it onscreen four times. Shailene, Go Take a Nap! Losing your virginity isn’t a competition! [Unless it’s a competition.–Eds.]

Dranky poo

•October 12, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Director Paul Feig said he’s working on a new Ghostbusters movie and it will star hilarious women. Paul, that’s Really Quite Nice. The best comedies star the most hilarious people. [We just want everyone to be sexy.–Eds.]

Robert Downey, Jr. said he would ask Matthew Broderick for permission before he talked to Sarah Jessica Parker. Robert, that’s Quite Nice. In today’s world, people are used to doing whatever they want, whenever they want. You are a breath of fresh air. [We want Iron Man 4.–Eds.]

Zach Galifianakis said that being a celebrity is dumb and he’s not interested in it, and that he just likes being an actor. Zach, Go Take a Nap! If that’s true, just stop acting in movies and start acting in your bathroom. It’s actually really fun. [We pretend to be pirates.–Eds.]

And the writers of Archer said the spy organization will no longer be known as ISIS because of the rise of ISIS in the Middle East. Writers of Archer, Go Take a Nap! Isis is the name of an Egyptian goddess! Do you think she would ever change her name? [Probably not, but she might think about it after all those videos.–Eds.]