Go Take a Nap! (the Blog)

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

Justin Bieber tweeted a message to Mariah Yeater, who accused him of being the father of her baby. The message was of Borat claiming that “You will never get this!” Justin, Go Take a Nap! Paternity lawsuits are not a platform for comedy! And if you’re going to tweet video, it should’ve been of Maury Povich saying “You are NOT the father.” [Crazy things happen in this crazy world.--Eds.]

And Martin Scorsese liked 3-D so much in Hugo that he plans to use 3-D in all of his future movies. Martin, that’s Just Nice. I can’t wait to see a mafia movie in 3-D, so I can see all that swearing and Joe Pesci in 3-D. [You could just swear in real life in 3-D.--Eds.]

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

I popped in with some friends from school after an arduous session of programming a processor. We’d all heard that the 12th Street Pub has a popular cheap-tacos affair on Tuesdays, so we made a Thursday trip (right?).

It took about five minutes before the “staff” paid us any attention. They seemed to be more interested in socializing with the foosball players. The menus strangely boldly claim that all their food is baked in convection ovens. But they also serve “paninis,” which no doubt will bunch Richard Ripshaw’s panties. After all, a singular sandwich is a “panino” and the plural is “panini.” What “paninis” are, and how one can make one in a convection oven, remains a mystery.

I chose the French dip. After a couple of apologies for being late with the au jus, our server ultimately copped that they had no au jus that day. He did offer to give me half off the sandwich. Ultimately, after the bill came with all items at full price, I talked them into giving me my whole sandwich for free. I’m just that persuasive these days.

The sandwich likely would’ve been alright with some au jus. I’ll likely never know.

I found out later that it is well known to not go to the 12th Street Pub on nights other than the taco Tuesdays.

Posted in On Food

Now that the 3-D version of Titanic is out, the movie has grossed over $2Billion worldwide. Titanic, that’s Just Nice. But do you have any idea how many cheap tacos that could be instead, and how many billions of people could be fed? That’s, like, one cheap taco for 4Billion people. [Or one really cheap taco for 8 billion people.--Eds.]

Much was made of Snoop Dogg rapping with a holographic Tupac Shakur at Coachella. Tupac, Go Take a Nap! Your ghost is scaring the kids. [We were moved.--Eds.]

And Willie Nelson revealed a statue of himself in Austin, Texas, and then sang his new song, Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die. Willie, Go Take a Nap! Smoking cadaverous ashes is not a good idea, not at all. Just come back as a hologram and rap with Tupac. [Might be some good shit in there.--Eds.]

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

[Note: Jack Jackson is away on vacation this week. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.-- Eds.]

Dad told me I needed to get better at this column stuff or else he was going to send me to military camp or something. He says if I’m not as good as Tiger Woods at this by next year, there won’t be any more Christmas. I don’t care if there’s more Christmas. I didn’t get the iPad2, and I bet I won’t get an iPad3, so who cares?

I guess Amanda Bynes was drunk, but her dad says she wasn’t, so now it’s all, like, whatever. Maybe the cops know?

I want to see the new Spiderman movie, but that new Spiderman looks like a tool. They might as well get Bieber as a villain. They could have their hairdos fight for an hour.

I also really wanna see that Avengers movie. HULK SMASH! SMASH, HULK! LOLZ and OMGZ.

It’s hard to write gossip when no one gives nine-year-old kids any inside info. So I decided I’d come up with my own: no one knows who broke the vase with the basketball in the family room. It could be someone close, or a total stranger.

I saw an episode of Survivor. Everyone is mean and whispers the “habba-habba” and then it’s just a bunch of commercials. Booring.

Oh, here’s a joke. Q: Why did Batman cross the road? A: That’s where Robin was.

Alright. I hope you like this column better. If you like it, there might be Christmas again.

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

Alicia Silverstone showed the world how she feeds her 10-month-old son, by pre-chewing his food for him and then passing it directly into his mouth. Alicia, Go Take a Nap! Your kid ain’t no bird! He can put food in his own pie-hole. [He'll be sufficiently horrified by it all when he becomes a teenager.--Eds.]

And Alyson Hannigan said she’s already preparing for the therapy her kids will need when they see the American Pie movies. Alyson, Go Take a Nap! Just feed them pre-chewed food right from your pie-hole! [Not a bad idea.--Eds.]

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

R. Kelly said the new episodes of Trapped in the Closet will include the alien character and we’ll find out what the package is and who has it. R., that’s Quite Nice. I hope the alien has the package and I hope the package is full of caramel corn. [It's probably white cheddar corn.--Eds.]

Ashton Kutcher signed up to be one of the first passengers on Richard Branson’s flight into suborbital space, which will generate a feeling of weightlessness. Ashton, Go Take a Nap! If you want to feel weightlessness, just tie a bunch of helium balloons to your lawn chair and then you can wave at people below. [Don't forget to take some corn dogs.--Eds.]

Kirk Cameron said he was surprised that people were surprised by his anti-gay comments a couple of weeks ago. Kirk, Go Take a Nap! Everyone knows that everyone in Hollywood is gay, so you’re surprised you surprised some people? [We're surprised he's surprised people were surprised.--Eds.]

And Gallagher is retiring, but said he would like to do some small things, like company parties. Gallagher, that’s Just Nice. I think your comedic stylings would be a good fit for a company party. [Or a child's birthday party?--Eds.]

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

MTV is promising that Teen Mom: Season Four will be the last season of Teen Mom. MTV, Go Take a Nap! Just because you stop caring about teen moms won’t mean they’ll just vanish and the problem will stop. [We were a teenage teen mom.--Eds.]

Dionne Warwick thinks Whitney Houston died from a heart attack, that her heart just gave out. Dionne, that’s Just Nice. You’re probably right. [We're not doctors.--Eds.]

Chad Ochocinco bought fried chicken and cupcakes for 200 of his Twitter followers in New York City. Chad, that’s Really Quite Nice. I’m gonna have to follow you on Twitter now. [You don't have to.--Eds.]

And a former staffer on Rosie O’Donnell’s show said Rosie made the show a hellhole. Former staffer, Go Take a Nap! I doubt it was a real hellhole. You can tell the difference when a real demon comes out and enslaves humanity for all time, or something similar. [We have a hellhole.--Eds.]

Posted in Go Take a Nap!

Kirk Cameron said homosexuality was “unnatural” and “detrimental and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization.” Kirk, Go Take a Nap! A peen on a peen or a bageen on a bageen will not destroy any foundation of civilization. It’s usually bombs that do that. [We'd be willing to see his offer of proof.--Eds.]

Universal Pictures is still going to make Ouija, a movie about the board. Universal Pictures, Go Take a Nap! You can’t make a whole movie based on a board game, but if you’re gonna, please let it be a cool board game, like Aggravation or Small World: Underground. [We like board games with space themes.--Eds.]

Dick Van Dyke, 86, happily married a makeup artist, 40. Dick, that’s Really Quite Nice. You stay happy. Just don’t tell us about your sex life. [We don’t wanna know.–Eds.

Posted in Go Take a Nap!