Water log

•June 28, 2015 • Comments Off on Water log

Ewan McGregor said he would like to reprise his role as Obi-Wan Kenobi in some new Star Wars movies. Ewan, that’s Just Nice. I would like to be in the new Star Wars movies, too, but you don’t see me going around telling everyone about it. [You couldn’t stop talking about it at the last junket.–Eds.] {I was drunk.–Jack Jackson}

The Duquesne Brewing Company will make a special lager in honor of Joe Paterno. Duequesne Brewing Company, Go Take a Nap! You might as well throw some instructions on the label for proper showering and lathering techniques. [Maybe they’ll brew it with rhythmic slap, slap, slapping sounds.–Eds.]

Amy Schumer said she turned down The Daily Show because it would have been just for money and would have been too safe. Amy, Go Take a Nap! The only reason to do anything in the world is to make money. Then you can buy things. [It’s not safe to be on TV.–Eds.]

And Kanye West proclaimed himself to be the “greatest living rock star on the planet.” Kanye, that’s Just Nice. Gimme a call when you’re the greatest living rock star in the universe, because then you’ll have something. [We didn’t know he played rock.–Eds.]

Jurassic World (3D)

•June 24, 2015 • Comments Off on Jurassic World (3D)

Jurassic World is not bad, is not good. It’s binary fine: one bit this way, one bit that way. The “world” is, and exists only because some well-off humans can afford to blow some dispensable income on travelling to an island for a few days to gawk at the amazingness that is an unethical use of science.

The movie is superficially pro-science, giving evolution its second 15 minutes of fame. We can create fantastical entertainment, but it might also kill us. Modern problems sure are two-edged swords!

We have a throwaway plot, that profit is king, and privilege is best when you are on an island full of over 20,000 people trying to outlive a gaggle of pterodactyls. And let me put on my “old man” hat to say the movie is unnecessarily cruel and sadistic, with the British assistant suffering a worse death than anything from the Final Destiny movies, to the bitey-biteyness of all the bloody dino fights.

Sad, sad, sad, we must feel at the pointless murder of all the happy-go-lucky, vegetarian, apatosauruses, who in reality are nothing but a stream of ones and zeroes. The cruel world spawned by an Asian biologist and an Arabic boss-man-owner is just an island of corporate greed, floating on each scene’s profit models, only to have the Pretty White People swoop in and save most of the visitors. Never mind the Tyrannosaurus Rex nor the countless pterodactyls running amok and wantonly. It’s an adventure of privilege, a privileged adventure.

Star Lord reprises his iconic role as Butt Lord, the only man in the world who can relate to lizards because he’s the only one who treats them with respect and treats them like they’re real animals. Plus, he was also in the Navy (and is not a Navajo), so he really knows how to stroke a lizard.

What’s a villain? Who’s a bad person? Corporate greed and its devotees. Everyone bad dies savagely, and no one good suffers too much. That’s why we all need to make Good Life Choices. We should never play God with life, that’s pushing it too far, and none of this mess would have been possible without evil scientists’ desires to control and improve upon God’s design.

Instead, we should commodify the human spirit, body, and soul. We should make everyone desire the same things, so we can maximize profit by reducing the cost of producing or tolerating variety. Watch as a fine-tuned machine mechanically separates chickens. With time and a spirit of the will, someday a machine will mechanically separate people.

Near the midpoint, the Pretty White People find an overgrown, old Jurassic Park spot, a reminder of the first movie, a movie that was better in nearly every way. It no longer matters whether the CGI looks or feels real. You simply watch in awe that professional actors could ever deliver such crappy dialogue without laughing or wincing.

Leap leaf

•June 21, 2015 • Comments Off on Leap leaf

David Letterman said retirement has been a bit rough because he doesn’t know how to use a telephone nor what to do with his hair. Letterman, Go Take a Nap! There are special phones for retired people called Jitterbugs, and just shave your head! [He could use his Jitterbug to make a haircut appointment.–Eds.]

Kristen Stewart’s mom clarified that she did not say Kristen was dating her personal assistant. Kristen Stewart’s mom, Go Take a Nap! People should be free to love whomever they love! [But not the help.–Eds.]

Rosie Perez said she was in a same-sex relationship as a teenager and all she wanted to do was hump. Rosie, that’s Really Quite Nice. Yup, sure is. [We all dabbled back in the day.–Eds.]

And Tommy Chong said his rectal cancer is a pain in the butt. Tommy, Go Take a Nap! Leave the butt and poop jokes to the experts. [He should butt-chug medicinal grass.–Eds.]

Freeburd

•June 14, 2015 • Comments Off on Freeburd

Al Jean, executive producer of The Simpsons, said next season will feature Marge and Homer splitting because of Homer’s narcolepsy straining their marriage. Al, Go Take a Nap! Narcolepsy isn’t nearly enough to destroy a marriage! [Necrolepsy would be, though.–Eds.]

George R.R. Martin will develop a Game of Thrones coloring book. George, Go Take a Nap! I don’t want to have to color all that blood and all those naughty bits. [We were hoping for a water paint version because we can’t stay within the lines.–Eds.]

Miley Cyrus said she is sexually down with everything that is legal and doesn’t involve animals. Miley, that’s Just Nice. But I bet you aren’t really into space docking. [Meh.–Eds.]

And Spike TV will edit out Clint Eastwood’s bad joke for the Spike TV Guys Choice Awards 2015, when Clint refers to Caitlyn Jenner as Caitlyn Somebody. Spike TV, Go Take a Nap! That’s a hilarious joke! [We fail to find it humorous.–Eds.]

Propemobile

•June 7, 2015 • Comments Off on Propemobile

Jerry Seinfeld revealed that his greatest regret from his time making Seinfeld was that he didn’t follow through with an episode he had planned totally in claymation. Jerry, Go Take a Nap! Your biggest regret should be making that terribly unfunny series finale. [We chuckled a couple of times.–Eds.]

Bob Saget said he loves the Olsen twins and totally understands that they don’t want to be part of the Full House reboot for Netflix. Bob, that’s Quite Nice. But how are we going to get such great one-liners such as “Doggie ate my ouse cream” without at least one of the Olsen twins there? [Will mullets be rebooted, as well?–Eds.]

And Caitlyn Jenner’s first four children will not appear on her new reality show because they are worried that E! will sensationalize her story. Caitlyn Jenner’s first four children, Go Take a Nap! Of course E! will sensationalize the story! That’s the whole point of reality tevee! [We’re worried there won’t be enough scenes of Caitlyn shopping for shoes and purses.–Eds.]

San Andreas

•June 3, 2015 • Comments Off on San Andreas

My first experience in the UltraScreen®DLX with massive screen, Dreamlounger leather reserved recliners, and Dolby Atmos immersive sound with bass you can feel (it’s true), was none other than to see San Andreas. If you haven’t been following my reviews this summer, my goal is to review all of the summer blockbusters on cheap movie days for $5.

My first surprise was that the seats are reserved. You get to pick your seat, although there were few left to choose from when I arrived. The second surprise was that the chairs are power recliners, so you just push a button and wham you go back and your legs go up. The third surprise was a smell I hadn’t smelled in years, not since junior high locker room. It was a mix of people who don’t like to shower, don’t like to wash their gym clothes, and wet tile. Then a nice young couple who dry humped the whole movie sat next to me and at least she was wearing a strong perfume that mostly covered up the smell.

But I digress. What about this disaster movie? It features a family (that apparently has no last name, at least not that I ever learned, nor is there any last name listed for them in the credits, so I will call them Family #1), a pretty family, an upper-middle-class family that is going through a rather benign divorce and Emma causes trouble immediately because she is moving in with a richy rich dude (who has a last name, because he’s Daniel Riddick), a thoroughly loathsome man incapable of love except for buildings.

Ray is solid as a rock, he’s something sturdy, like a real man, someone you can cling to or hold on to no matter what. He loves his daughter, Blake, very much, because he blames himself for the death of his other daughter, whom we eventually learn died while rafting. You see, Ray is a professional rescue-chopper pilot, so the death of his daughter is as much personal as it was a professional blunder.

The main problem with this disaster movie is that Family #1 is split in two groups, and there is no real belief that any of them will ever actually die, although San Andreas does feature Blake enduring the longest non-death sequence I’ve ever seen. In better disaster movies, like the original Poseidon Adventure (it’s unfortunate that I have to clarify the “original” Poseidon Adventure) the protagonists are traipsing and shambling through the disaster together, and they drop like flies until the very end, when only a handful of the worthy and fortunate survive.

The acting in San Andreas isn’t bad, and it’s not good. It’s extremely okay. Poor Paul Giamatti, who seems typecast as himself these days.

Things blow up, collapse, and fall apart real good. The special effects are pretty amazing and realistic. It’s nice to see so many Californians perish as a precursor to the Great Water Wars of 2016. In fact, even though Ray is a civil servant responsible for saving lives, he tries to fly the chopper from L.A. to San Francisco to save his daughter instead of trying to save anyone in Los Angeles or elsewhere along the way. He _does_, however, trade a stolen pickup for directions to an airfield, which I suppose is a fair trade and shows he’s a Really Good Guy.

There is a bit of adventure. Ray commandeers trains and boats and planes. Well, no trains. That would’ve been pretty cool to drive a train through an earthquake. A simple oversight, I suppose. Nevertheless, I sensed the feeling of excitement at the thought of being in a real disaster, stealing whatever vehicles were around to go wherever I wanted. And it’s nice to see a lot of chopper scenes in a movie. There should be more chopper scenes in every movie.

Bollocks to the millions of Californians who died or were dying along the way. All we care about are a handful of pretty, well-off people trying to survive the worst earthquake in human history. We rarely see anyone die, because they get swooped up or down or crushed. No bones, no blood, no limbs flying everywhere. It’s pretty WASPish death, as people disappear in clouds of dust, never to be seen or heard from again.

Despite all the Californian death and destruction, Americans can be jingoistically proud to see a final flowing flag confirming we are the best nation-state on Earth, and we will rebuild it all for the next disaster.

Off the road again

•May 31, 2015 • Comments Off on Off the road again

Tatum O’Neal said she’s been dating women lately, because they’re more gentle and more intelligent than men. Tatum, that’s Just Nice. But sometimes you need a rough, dumb man to sweep you off your feet, caveman style. [We prefer 3-D Asian tentacles.–Eds.]

Adrian Grenier said the new Entourage movie should please fans of the tevee show as well as people who have never seen the show. Adrian, Go Take a Nap! How could anyone understand the concept of an entourage without logging several hours of binge watching tevee shows about entourages? [We’d rather not be anchored in any particular viewpoint.–Eds.]

And Michael Jackson’s ghost has been seen around Neverland Ranch. Michael Jackson’s ghost, Go Take a Nap! It’s way super not cool to haunt your house! [It’s going to lower property values in the neighborhood.–Eds.]

Mitchell Family Restaurant (Lincoln)

•May 29, 2015 • Comments Off on Mitchell Family Restaurant (Lincoln)

Lincoln finally has a viable soul food restaurant. I’m sure there were others in the past, but Mitchell Family is the only one I can remember. It is a take-out only, no-frills place next to the Lincoln Literacy Center on 9th street, surely a good spot to get business from the civil servants nearby.

The restaurant’s website on wix.com has some decent background, but the menu is out of date. Instead, what’s available is written each day on a white board, and the meals are all $10, which makes getting a rib meal with two sides and corn bread pretty affordable, although it certainly is enough for two people and is a great candidate for Half the Food at Half the Price (HTFAHTP).

A rib meal with coleslaw and beans.

A rib meal with coleslaw and beans.

The ribs are smoked on site, and have a good taste and are very meaty, although they were a bit on the dry side. I barely ate half of them for lunch, with the other half slated for dinner. The beans are acceptable, not remarkable, and the coleslaw was too mayonnaisey for my liking. They don’t appear to make their own barbecue sauce, at least not yet. The menu that day also featured sausage and chicken breast for main meats, and collared greens and potato salad. They will be deep frying chicken soon, which I am excited to try.

Everyone was super-friendly and the food came pretty quickly. I’m glad we have a new cuisine option in town and hope they continue to succeed.

Got Done

•May 24, 2015 • Comments Off on Got Done

Sandra Bullock said the Magic Mike XXL trailer made her ovulate. Sandra, that’s Just Nice. But it made me squirt. [She’s a gusher.–Eds.]

The Art Institute of Chicago awarded Kanye West an honorary Ph.D. Art Institute of Chicago, Go Take a Nap! Honorary degrees don’t mean anything! [We can’t find ours.–Eds.]

And John Stamos is heartbroken that neither Ashley or Mary-Kate Olsen will join Netflix’s Fuller House. John, Go Take a Nap! Some people like cashing paychecks, and some people don’t! [Our last one bounced.–Eds.]

Mad Max: Fury Road

•May 20, 2015 • Comments Off on Mad Max: Fury Road

George Miller has proven you don’t need to actually make a movie in order to make money making movies. You see, movies typically have certain key features, such as: a plot, dialogue, and character development (all of which are absent here). And is George Miller now just Frank Miller with a different hat?

Anyone who was “satisfied” by this mindless smash-em-up dystopian mess should be ashamed and go do their homework on some ozploitaion, you know the kind of movies that inspired Quentin Tarantino to make Death Proof, a far more satisfying car movie. And let me be clear, without exaggeration, that Mad Max: Fury Road has the hands-down dumbest scenes I’ve ever seen in a movie, the ones where we see the large “music” truck with the drummers and the idiotic electric guitar player who inexplicably joins the soundtrack with solos and flames.

Hands-down, dumbest. Ever. Worse than Jar-Jar.

We really only get a half-movie, because the first half is stuff driving one way, then they turn around and do everything again in the opposite direction, leading to an ending so triumphant that all it lacked was a golden unicorn shooting rainbows out of its flaming ass. It is surely not a great feminist statement worthy of men’s rights haterade.

The climactic line: “I’m Max.” And then Tom Hardy nods approval, as if to reassure himself that he is an actor and really can memorize such inane dialogue.

I don’t care if the action scenes looked cool. The movie is just plain stupid, so stupid it makes me want to huff some silver spray paint and go to Valhalla.