Got Done

•May 24, 2015 • Comments Off on Got Done

Sandra Bullock said the Magic Mike XXL trailer made her ovulate. Sandra, that’s Just Nice. But it made me squirt. [She’s a gusher.–Eds.]

The Art Institute of Chicago awarded Kanye West an honorary Ph.D. Art Institute of Chicago, Go Take a Nap! Honorary degrees don’t mean anything! [We can’t find ours.–Eds.]

And John Stamos is heartbroken that neither Ashley or Mary-Kate Olsen will join Netflix’s Fuller House. John, Go Take a Nap! Some people like cashing paychecks, and some people don’t! [Our last one bounced.–Eds.]

Mad Max: Fury Road

•May 20, 2015 • Comments Off on Mad Max: Fury Road

George Miller has proven you don’t need to actually make a movie in order to make money making movies. You see, movies typically have certain key features, such as: a plot, dialogue, and character development (all of which are absent here). And is George Miller now just Frank Miller with a different hat?

Anyone who was “satisfied” by this mindless smash-em-up dystopian mess should be ashamed and go do their homework on some ozploitaion, you know the kind of movies that inspired Quentin Tarantino to make Death Proof, a far more satisfying car movie. And let me be clear, without exaggeration, that Mad Max: Fury Road has the hands-down dumbest scenes I’ve ever seen in a movie, the ones where we see the large “music” truck with the drummers and the idiotic electric guitar player who inexplicably joins the soundtrack with solos and flames.

Hands-down, dumbest. Ever. Worse than Jar-Jar.

We really only get a half-movie, because the first half is stuff driving one way, then they turn around and do everything again in the opposite direction, leading to an ending so triumphant that all it lacked was a golden unicorn shooting rainbows out of its flaming ass. It is surely not a great feminist statement worthy of men’s rights haterade.

The climactic line: “I’m Max.” And then Tom Hardy nods approval, as if to reassure himself that he is an actor and really can memorize such inane dialogue.

I don’t care if the action scenes looked cool. The movie is just plain stupid, so stupid it makes me want to huff some silver spray paint and go to Valhalla.

Trees are trees of trees

•May 17, 2015 • Comments Off on Trees are trees of trees

Cate Blanchett said she has not had sex with women and it’s 2015 so no one should care, anyway. Cate, Go Take a Nap! You should have sex with women and then tell us all about it, because we do care! [Binders full of women.–Eds.]

Morgan Freeman said marihuana should be legal “across the board” because of its medicinal qualities. Morgan, that’s Quite Nice. Cocaine has some medicinal qualities, too, you know. [So does Flakka.–Eds.]

Picasso’s Women of Algiers (Version O) fetched a record $179.4Million at auction. Picasso’s Women of Algiers (Version O), Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos that would be? That’s, like, 358.8Million cheap tacos! [Or 717.6 million really cheap tacos.–Eds.]

Emilia Clarke said that Jay Z bought Beyonce a dragon egg because she loves Game of Thrones so much. Jay Z, that’s Just Nice. But if you really loved Beyonce, you would’ve bought her a real dragon instead. [Maybe the egg will hatch someday?–Eds.]

And Tom Hardy said he is lucky to be alive because at one point he was so strung out that he would have sold his mother for a crack rock. Tom, Go Take a Nap! You know you could’ve gotten at least two crack rocks for your mom. [Really, mom jokes again?–Eds.]

Avengers: Age of Ultron (review)

•May 9, 2015 • Comments Off on Avengers: Age of Ultron (review)

Curiously enough, Captain Beefcake makes an oblique reference to the 1927 Yankees in the final scene of the movie (I will not call it a “film”), exactly when I was thinking of the great 1990s Yankees teams that won four World Series titles from 1996 to 2000. And if you even dare try to tell me that the year 2000 was not part of the 1990s, I will Ultron your ass so hard you will wish you were a transplant patient waiting in line for Mickey Mantle’s liver. [See what I did there?]

The reason I conjured up those latter damn Yankees is because they didn’t really need Joe Torre to manage them, no more than the Avengers needed Joss Whedon to direct them. In fact, I bet Avengers: Age of Ultron would have turned out pretty much the same with absolutely no director at the helm. Consider the great managing decisions Joe Torre made in those late 1990s games, like “Start Jeter,” or “Bring in Mariano Rivera for the 9th.” Pure genius.

Consider the great directorial decisions Joss Whedon made such as: “Make a couple of homophobic jokes,” and “Have Thor do something with the hammer thingy.” Or “Drag out everything until everyone in their seats has their sciatica act up again.”

I’m upset because I kind of liked the earlier Avengers movies, and I thought Joss Whedon was a marvelous writer of punchy, clever dialogue. No more. He’s a hack and he’s cashed a nice check. It’s fine. Must be nice.

Is it ironic that the movie is about an artificial intelligence gone awry, when the entire global blockbuster industry of movies is run by algorithms designed to commodify the human spirit?

The subtitle “Age of Ultron” is certainly misleading. It should be “An Hour with Ultron.” Actually, that might be a good time. You see, Ultron is funny. He makes dry jokes. He has Tony Stark’s personality, which is why he is trying to destroy the world, because, you know, Tony Stark can’t tell the difference between destroying or saving the world, either, which is why there have been so many Iron Man movies where Tony Stark is the villain trying to destroy the world.

Stuff blows up real good for about 150 minutes. Stuff blows up, real good. We have a laughable “romance” develop between the Hulk and ScarJo, where we so thankfully learn that neither of them can bear fruit in their barren reproductive holes. Captain Beefcake’s goody-two-shoedness is played to the hilt. We get the maudlin Hawkeye family scenario. We get two new Avengers (until one of them dies after inexplicably saving a child while the entire planet hangs in the balance). We get a villain in Ultron who is a renaissance Lawnmower Man on K2, but is too stupid to actually do anything realistic with the power of controlling the Internet, and instead keeps trying to discover nuclear launch codes.

But more importantly, we get the cogs to churn forth near the end as we find Vision and the exposition for the next movies about the Infinity Gauntlet and the Infinity Gems. It seems strange that movies like Ant-Man are forthcoming when THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS AT STAKE because the Infinity Gauntlet is, well, just click this link because I don’t have the energy to explain any of it. And isn’t it colossally unfair that it’s a gauntlet? What if someone without hands wants to wield its power? Maybe it should be an Infinity Sock. Nah, that’s unfair to people without feet. How about an Infinity Tam? Everyone has a head, right? Now we’re going to upset the Headless Horseman.

The movie isn’t all bad. It gets a +1 for Stan Lee still being alive and making stupid cameos. Another +1 for destroying some lame-ass foreign place instead of New York again. Scratch that. They destroy both New York and some lame-ass foreign place, so -1, and now we’re back to zero.

If we must have an Infinity War, just remember: everything is everything and nothing is nothing.

Come and go

•May 3, 2015 • Comments Off on Come and go

Bono said he still can’t play guitar after his bicycle crash in November. Bono, that’s Just Nice. Maybe you should just retire from music. [Yeah, that’s a good idea.–Eds.]

Chris Evans said Captain America is probably a virgin. Chris, Go Take a Nap! There’s no way such a hot dude is a virgin! [We bet he bones all the dudes.–Eds.]

And Morgan Freeman said “fuck the media” about their coverage of the Baltimore protests. Morgan, Go Take a Nap! You can’t fuck media! [Captain America could.–Eds.]

Yahu

•April 26, 2015 • Comments Off on Yahu

Scarlett Johansson said it was hard being married to Ryan Reynolds because he is another actor. Scarlett, Go Take a Nap! Being an actor married to another actor is like, a Hollywood Dream! [It’s tough being married to an editor.–Eds.]

Russell Crowe said he seriously considered becoming a Scientologist after meeting Tom Cruise. Russell, that’s Just Nice. People can change. [It’s a free country, brother.–Eds.]

And Justin Bieber was kicked out of Coachella after trying to enter a private area near a Drake performance. Justin, Go Take a Nap! They don’t just let anyone into a private area! [We didn’t even go to Coachella.–Eds.]

Furious Seven (review)

•April 19, 2015 • Comments Off on Furious Seven (review)

I appreciate it when a movie requires you to check your brain at the door, so imagine how much I might like a movie that requires you to check two brains at the door.

Full disclosure: this was the first of the Fast and Furious movies I’ve seen. I thought they wouldn’t be my cup of tea. Meh. I was right.

Having never seen the other movies, I wasn’t sure whether this group of heroes were supposed to be super-heroes or normal people. After all, they surely do things that aren’t possible, like survive falling several stories from buildings or taking brutal physical damage in street fights. I was really impressed that no rocket could harm them, and bullet hits seem reserved only for extras.

It’s hard to tell whether any of them can act, especially when given single lines that have none of that tongue-in-cheek guile that Arnold Schwarzenegger used to deliver so well. Specifically, Vin Diesel’s stilted monotone confused me, because if he just slightly winked after each line, it would’ve been a comedic command performance for the ages. Sadly, the deceased Paul Walker is the only one who seems to have had any acting chops, and Kurt Russell gets to ham it up with glee.

I never learned how to drive a manual transmission, so watching a lot of clutch releasing and hard shifting was not as erotic for me as it was for the rest of the audience. The whole affair is certainly heteronormative, what with all the hot women scantily clad and the dudes competing for their attention. The movie fulfills all the requisite stereotypes, cliches, tropes, patterns, and formulas. The studio’s algorithm knows how to make a movie.

Most problematic is not that the heroes could never survive or pull off any of their actions, but that their plans make no sense, and no one would act the way they do. This seems like a film wanting to make a new superhero franchise, yet the superheroes simply drive awesome cars really, really well. At 137 minutes, it runs about 37 minutes too long, and I almost left at the two-hour mark out of sheer boredom.

But I did stay to watch the “tribute” to Paul Walker, and although I believe a woman next to me cried a little, I had to stifle laughter at the horrible delivery of Vin Diesel, whose sadness of losing a brother belied the entire film’s heterosexual vibe.

It’s apparently okay to admit you love your brother, but only after he’s dead.

Grade: -7.

Remaster cremaster

•April 12, 2015 • Comments Off on Remaster cremaster

Fans of Lucille Ball want to remodel a statute of her in Celoron, New York, because they don’t think it looks like her:

Lucy.

Lucy.

Fans of Lucille Ball, Go Take a Nap! That is a perfect statue! Looks just like the Lucy we all knew and loved. [They could at least brush her teeth now and then.–Eds.]

Candice Bergen said although she has had plastic surgery in the past, she no longer cares enough to get more even though she needs it. Candice, that’s Quite Nice. People do what they want to do. [Life is, like, the journey, man.–Eds.]

Samuel Hatmaker designed a Golden Girls Lego set, and if 10,000 people vote for it online, the Lego company might make it an official Lego set. Samuel, that’s Really Quite Nice. I’m sure children of all ages will be begging their parents for a Golden Girls Lego set soon. [We’d like to play Blanche.–Eds]

And Don McLean’s handwritten manuscript for American Pie fetched $1.2million at auction. Don McLean’s handwritten manuscript, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos that would be? That’s 2.4million cheap tacos! [Or 4.8 million really cheap tacos.–Eds.]

Windy windy

•April 5, 2015 • Comments Off on Windy windy

Russell Crowe said that Michael Jackson prank called him at his hotels for years, even though they never met. Russell, that’s Just Nice. But do you have Prince Albert in a can? [Maybe his refrigerator is running?–Eds.]

Ryan Phillippe said even though he’s 40, he still looks young enough to get carded and sometimes people think he’s his daughter’s brother. Ryan, that’s Quite Nice. You’re only as old as you feel, so enjoy life while you can. [We feel like we’ve been editing this column forever.–Eds.]

Ryan Reynolds wants his daughter, James, to have a normal life, not the life of a celebrity. Ryan, Go Take a Nap! Being a celebrity is aweome! And it’s not normal for a daughter to be named James. [We wouldn’t know.–Eds.]

And David Duchovny said his new album is like R.E.M. and Wilco. David, that’s Just Nice. But I was hoping for more of a Captain Beefheart/Nick Cave feel. [There’s all kinds of music.–Eds.]

Entitle Game

•March 29, 2015 • Comments Off on Entitle Game

Zayn Malik is leaving One Direction because he needs a little private time out of the spotlight. Zayn, Go Take a Nap! You need to stay in the spotlight because that’s where it’s at! [We sometimes hide from our fans.–Eds.]

George R.R. Martin said he’s not going to let anyone pressure him into writing the Game of Thrones books faster. George, Go Take a Nap! Just pump out some stories already! [We could help edit them.–Eds.]

And Raven-Symone said her DNA test results showed that she is from every continent in Africa, except for one, and every continent in Europe, except for one. Raven, that’s Quite Nice. But you gotta catch ’em all! [We’re a few continents short, too.–Eds.]