Barbara Walters announced that she will retire from television next summer. Barbara, that’s Just Nice. You’ve given us all over a year to figure out your retirement party. [We hope she registers at Target.--Eds.]
Tommy Chong said that the U.S. should federally legalize marijuana and that hemp will save the world. Tommy, Go Take a Nap! Legal weed just means we’ll all be at home eating Funyuns and playing video games all night, and that’s no way to save this world. [The Funyun corporation would be happy.--Eds.]
An unnamed buyer purchased a topless painting of Bea Arthur for $1.9Million at auction. Unnamed buyer, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos that could buy? That’s, like, 3.8Million cheap tacos! [Or 7.6Million really cheap tacos.--Eds.]
The viewership for the American Idol finale was one third less this year than last year. Oh, Really? You mean people are getting tired of the same-old stuff? [We wait for it to come out on DVD so we can watch the whole season in one weekend.--Eds.]
And Justin Bieber doesn’t want his capuchin monkey back, but the cost of housing it by German customs could be in the thousands of dollars. Bieber, Go Take a Nap! You do the right thing and go get your monkey back and you apologize and make some videos with it. [He could write a song about capuchin monkeys.--Eds.]


