•March 9, 2014 • Leave a Comment
Ellen DeGeneres “broke” Twitter during the Oscars by posting the most popular selfie of all time. Ellen, Go Take a Nap! Breaking Twitter is like breaking the whole Internet, and that is way not cool. [We love the Internet and would never hurt it.--Eds.]
Arby’s bought Pharrell’s hat for $44,100. Arby’s, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos that could buy? Like, 88,200 cheap tacos! [Or 176,400 really cheap tacos.--Eds.]
Jared Leto said his tour bus has vegan butter and almond milk. Jared, that’s Just Nice. But I have to wonder about all the pain and suffering those almonds went through when you milked them. [Plants have feelings and like music.--Eds.]
And Jon Favreau said he would have directed the new Star Wars movies if someone had asked him. Jon, that’s Quite Nice. I would’ve hosted the Match Game if Gene Rayburn had asked me to take over. [We would pretty much do anything else but edit this column.--Eds.]
•March 2, 2014 • Leave a Comment
Paula Deen said after her scandal she’s been indulging more. Paula, Go Take a Nap! You should be living a life of cautioned reservation! [Everything in moderation, including moderation.--Eds.]
Leah Remini of King of Queens said she left the Church of Scientology because it taught her lies. Leah, Go Take a Nap! Scientology is the one truth left! [We measure our orgones with our e-meters.--Eds.]
And Movie 43 won this year’s Razzie for Worst Picture of the year. Movie 43, that’s Quite Nice. You can only get better from there. Maybe Movie 44 will be Second-worst Picture next year? [We thought it was funny in the not-funny way.--Eds.]
•February 23, 2014 • Leave a Comment
Jimmy Fallon said that The Tonight Show belongs back in New York where it started. Jimmy, Go Take a Nap! Tevee shows don’t belong anywhere in particular. They belong to the world. [And the rest of the universe.--Eds.]
And Maximo Caminero, a local Miami artist, smashed a $1Million Ai Weiwei pot in an act of protest. Maximo, Go Take a Nap! Do you have any idea how many cheap tacos you could have bought instead? That’s, like, 2 million cheap tacos! [Or 4 million really cheap tacos.--Eds.]
•February 16, 2014 • Leave a Comment
Kylie and Kendall Jenner are having a bit of a tough time handling their dad’s (Bruce Jenner’s) changing physical appearance, which is more feminine and includes surgery removing his Adam’s apple. Moreover, Bruce intends to leave the reality show with the Kardashians. Bruce, that’s Just Nice. You do whatever you want with your Adam’s apple. It was God’s gift to you, and you can re-gift it, or play with it, or sell it at auction for charity. [We're keeping ours for now.--Eds.]
And Leonardo DiCaprio wants to play Teddy Roosevelt in a biopic directed by Martin Scorsese. Leo, Go Take a Nap! That role was meant for one man, and one man only: the inimitable Hal Linden. [Who would Imogene Coca play?--Eds.]
•February 9, 2014 • Leave a Comment
Flea said the Red Hot Chili Peppers mimed during the Super Bowl halftime show because the NFL didn’t want anything going wrong with the sound. Flea, Go Take a Nap! It’s the NFL! You go hard or you go home! [We went home at halftime.--Eds.]
JK Rowling said she made a mistake by having Hermione end up with Ron instead of Harry. JK, Go Take a Nap! You can’t keep telling everyone how you should have written your books! You need to write your books right the first time around! [Just like this column.--Eds.]
A Coca Cola ad featuring different groups singing America the Beautiful in different languages got a bunch of conservative people all riled up. Coca Cola, Go Take a Nap! You don’t want those conservative people all riled up! They’re likely to switch over to that socialist Pepsi! [We always have preferred Royal Crown.--Eds.]
And Shia LaBeef wore a paper bag reading “I am not famous anymore” at an International Berlin Film Festival. Shia, that’s Quite Nice. If only it were true. [He's still somewhat famous.--Eds.]
•February 1, 2014 • Leave a Comment
Jay Leno is done with The Tonight Show, but he is not ruling out taking over an earlier time slot on CNN. Jay, Go Take a Nap! We’re tired and we want to go to bed. [A big nap?--Eds.]
Zac Efron surprised Imogen Poots while filming for That Awkward Moment when he kissed her. Zac, that’s Quite Nice. But Imogen, you should change your name to Imogene in honor of Imogene Coca. [There's a joke in there somewhere.--Eds.]
And Motley Crue said it would be done forever after their final tour in 2015. Motley, Go Take a Nap! We can’t wait that long! [We are patient people.--Eds.]
•January 26, 2014 • Leave a Comment
J.J. Abrams said he has the script for Star Wars Episode VII. J.J., Go Take a Nap! There’s no way that script is ready. You haven’t finished Jar-Jar’s opening or closing monologue yet! [He's supposed to have a middle-of-the-film monologue, too?--Eds.]
Zac Efron said he’s in a great place after rehab, and even ten minutes of the best sex is not worth watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but he does like to have sex on a kitchen table. Zac, Go Take a Nap! Watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is just like having ten minutes of sex on a kitchen table. [Exactly.--Eds.]
Bradley Cooper will star as John Merrick (The Elephant Man) on Broadway, but he won’t be wearing any prosthetic of his deformed face. Bradley, Go Take a Nap! You play the Elephant Man, you wear the makeup! [We once played a couple of elephant men without makeup.--Eds.]
And Quentin Tarantino is depressed and won’t make his movie The Hateful Eight after the script was leaked. Quentin, Go Take a Nap! We need your vision! I won’t read the leaked screenplay, I promise. [We won't, either.--Eds.]
•January 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment
[Editors' note: due to Jack Jackson's recently self-imposed ban on writing about Justin Bieber, there is no celebrity news for him to write about this week.--Eds.]
•January 12, 2014 • Leave a Comment
Cameron Diaz wrote in her new book that women shouldn’t shave their pubes and that it was a fad. Cameron, Go Take a Nap! Shaved pubes is not a fad! People have been shaving pubes ever since there were razors! [We just pull 'em.--Eds.]
And Shia LaBeouf sent pictures of his penis to Lars von Trier in order to help him land a role in Nymphomaniac. Shia, that’s Quite Nice. People have been sending pictures of their penises ever since there were camera phones. [An ancient fad.--Eds.]
•January 5, 2014 • Leave a Comment
[Note: Jack Jackson is away on vacation this week. In his place is Billy Halvorson, aged 9, a budding young gossip columnist.-- Eds.]
Justin Bieber is doing something with Selena Gomez again. I don’t even like his music but mom said it’s good that they take pictures of each other. I don’t know. She was in that dirty Spring Break movie that dad says was really cool but mom hated it and she wouldn’t even watch it. She left to go watch TV in the other room.
The Oscars are gonna be soon. I think Frozen should win. It was pretty cool and it’s an adventure. Uncle Jack said it wasn’t as good as American Hustle, but then he said American Hustle was a bunch people of yelling. I don’t want to see movies if people just yell at each other. They should get together and fight a problem, like ending an icy eternal winter spell.
You can go buy marijuana in Colorado but you can’t take it to Nebraska. Dad says smoking weed makes you eat a bunch of chips and mom says it might be good for cancer. Uncle Jack says it’s both.
I want those new Star Wars movies to come out soon, but I guess they take a long time to make. I want to see more Jar-Jar and he should go into Jedi training. He’d make a good Jedi cuz he and Yoda would have fun adventures.
I got a couple of new Skylanders for my Wii and I can’t wait to level them all up. They’ll totally rule then.
Okay, I guess I gotta go do school stuff now. I gotta write about if global warming is real in 250 words.