The first thing you need to know about going on summer vacation is that you need to get good and fired up for it.  And the only way you can get good and fired up is to eat a mess of tamales before you get two hours of sleep and get in a cab and then yell at a bunch of people at an airport.

The next thing you need to know is that dogs come from other dogs.  One dog will get really happy and tell the other dog he's happy by how big his love has become for the other dog.  Then the first dog gives the big love to the other dog until a brand-new dog comes out the other dog.

You need to get a nice cottage for summer vacation, and you need to insist that it be near the ocean.  It doesn't matter which ocean.

You then need to call up the front desk and yell at them about stuff.  It doesn't matter which stuff you yell about, just that you do some quality yelling.

After you fly all over the country and drive around a bunch and check in to your cottage, you need to drive a bunch more to someone else's place and make them cut firewood and cook you Indian food.

Then you have to use the nutcracker on someone's nuts.

The nutcracker likes a good digestive after a meal, preferably in the bitters category.

Then you go to bed and you wake up and you do stuff.  You can sit or read a book.  Maybe you can do a crossword puzzle.  Don't forget to poop!

You can look at the ocean all day, or you can go to the pool and look at all the other people who are on vacation.  And then you can make fun of them.

This is what the end of the world would look like, if it hadn't already ended 3,000 years ago.

Every so often, you have to sacrifice a vacationer to the Owl God in order to prevent the Kraken and the C.H.U.D. from stealing your gems.

This is called networking.

Sometimes people go out into the ocean and grab stuff to eat and cook.  You get more nutrition when you eat it that way.

You should cook the lobsters in situ.  And you should eat them in situ.  You should also sit down in situ.

Lobsters don't feel very happy when you cut them in half, but they do like the cool air on their tamales.

You can grill half of a lobster and then put the other half right next to it and the lobster can pretend it is still together as it cooks.

And then you eat ice cream!

And then you show off to the locals that you're not tourists by treating them to a parlor trick or two.